Everybody Loves Raymond s01e20 Episode Script

Tommy I've been trying to get you to come here for years just to try my sauce.
- It's the only thing I make really.
- Yeah I got a lot more time now.
You know this is my whole life lately.
I go to friends' houses and taste their food.
To me it's more relaxing than managing.
Here you go.
What do you think of that? - You made this sauce? - Yeah.
It's my mother's recipe.
I gotta tell you it's a little bush league.
Come on over here.
- What are you talking about? - It needs more seasoning.
Okay put a little hot pepper in it.
All right now let me see you stir.
- You know I just stir.
- Look at the way you're holding the spoon.
Choke up on it a little.
Okay get your head down.
All right bend your knees follow through and give me some more stirring power and get your elbow up.
- I thought you just wanted to relax.
- Hey keep your eye on the sauce.
Rookies.
Hi I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
My God.
Ray what is that? Oh no.
It's coming from my parents' house.
My father put in one of those new motion sensor lights.
God.
It's like the mother ship is landing.
I told him not to make it so sensitive.
A moth probably flew by.
Let's see what's out there.
- What do you see? - I think I saw my own retina.
What is your father doing? His car's on the street.
He thinks this light will keep people from stealing it.
Why doesn't he just get a car alarm? Your father is driving me nuts Ray.
Did you call him? Nobody's answering.
They're probably deaf by now.
Why is he woodworking at 7£º30 in the morning? Because some genius gave him the Big Book of Hobbies.
I gave him something to do so he'd stop coming here and annoying us.
So now he's Good idea Ray.
You had to give him the Big Book ofHobbies.
I'm going upstairs to take a nap.
God it's loud here too.
What did you do to your nose Robert? Dad's car alarm woke me up last night.
I ran outside to turn it off forgot we had an oak tree.
Thank you very much Raymond.
How is your nose my fault? If Dad hadn't turned his garage into a workshop he wouldn't have to park on the street.
Then he wouldn't need an alarm that goes off whenever I blow my nose which now thanks to you involves blood.
I'm a cop.
I need my sleep.
Hey I'm a working man too you know.
Yeah sports writer.
Tough job.
A lot of shootouts at the computer? Did you talk to your mom Robert? Since Dad's in the garage all day I'm the only one she has to talk to.
At least the buzz saw has an ¡°off¡± switch.
What are you doing in your pajamas? It's a little early for woodworking isn't it? Not for me.
I never felt so alive.
You know the satisfaction of doing something with your own two hands? I'm imagining it right now.
I love the Big Book ofHobbies.
The best gift you ever gave me.
Hey where's the drill? - In the garage.
- Great thanks.
Hello.
Hi.
It's Ruth Greene from two doors down.
Yeah we heard the sawing too.
Yeah.
That's him singing.
Okay.
Well I'll discuss it with Ray.
Yeah Thanks for calling Ruth.
Bye-bye.
Great.
Now the neighbors want to come over here tonight to discuss your parents.
- Discuss my parents? - This is so embarrassing.
And she actually said ¡°your family¡± like I have anything to do with it.
Who are these people to discuss my parents? I should have kept my maiden name.
I don't want them over to the house.
You know what Ray? I don't think it's such a bad idea.
I mean you've got to admit your father's making a lot of noise and your mother is a bit of a meddler.
They're not so bad that we have to have a meeting.
What are they gonna do? Come over with torches and pitchforks? No.
They just want to come over to discuss the problem and you've got to admit there's a problem.
I mean they wouldn't have to be calling a meeting if the whole thing hadn't gotten completely intolerable.
Look the neighbors just wanna come over to ask for our help and I think the least we can do is listen to what they have to say.
Look I don't think a meeting is necessary really.
- All right- - Look me in the eye right now.
I don't think we have to do this.
But you know what? I'll do this for you.
Thanks.
Look we all wanna live in peace and friendship and Ray and Debra you've always been good neighbors.
- Thank you.
Look I just- - I was talking.
And so since you two are so close to the problem we were hoping you could get through to them.
Okay all right.
I understand.
You're talking about the noise£º the car alarm the buzz saw my mom.
I'm gonna handle it.
Okay? Good meeting.
Thank you very much.
You know take some cookies my mom made those.
They're pretty good.
There's more to it than just the noise Ray.
You know your father's leaf blower? Last week he blew everything from his lawn onto mine including a dead chipmunk.
You're right.
Nobody should blow rodents around.
And your mother accepts my packages and then she neglects to inform me.
You're mad now but when one of those babies explodes you're gonna thank her.
We are very serious Ray.
We hope you will talk to your parents about all of these things because we don't wanna have to go to the extreme.
What are you talking about? We could initiate legaI action and get your parents out of the neighborhood.
Is that possible? - I was just asking a question.
- Right.
Nobody really wants that to happen.
They're older people.
Where would they go? - Florida.
- What are you doing? - It's warm in Florida.
- Yeah.
All right listen let's back up here a second.
They make a little noise and they could be a little irksome sometimes but come on let's look at their good points too.
They recycle.
They're not cannibals.
I didn't want have to show this but I have a tape.
They are cannibals? This is your father getting his morning paper.
You're videotaping my father? I shot this over the course of severaI mornings.
There it is£º Exhibit ¡°A.
¡± - Is that a tattoo? - No.
Look at what your father made.
- Oh hi£¡ - Isn't this a beauty? Little porno party.
Come on outside show me where this goes.
Put it up on the tree Dad.
Who's the fat ass? Frank£¡ Holy crap.
What the hell is going on here? Nothing we're just having a few laughs.
Neighborhood bloopers.
The truth is certain people around here have some complaints about you.
- Which certain people? - Them.
- Marie this is not what it looks like.
- It looks like my son is plotting against us.
And serving my cookies£¡ You're serving my cookies at your rally? You took sides against the family.
Dad I was defending you.
Against the family£¡ Dad it's not - I want the tape.
Give me the tape.
- I'll take it for you Mom.
No.
How do you work these damn machines? - Easy Mom.
I'll do it.
- I hate these damn machines.
Don't pull the plug£¡ - How could you? - Ma.
Okay that went well.
Debra.
- What is the matter? - I can't sleep.
Why not? My dad's car alarm.
- It's not going off.
- Exactly.
I can't stand it.
It's just too quiet over there.
Maybe I can help you Ray.
- Good night.
- That didn't help.
I can still hear my own guilt.
You have nothing to be guilty of.
You didn't do anything.
I did.
I held a rally against my parents in my own house.
Didn't you see that? They were really hurt.
I could tell by the way my mother was running with the VCR.
I know.
Look I felt bad too.
Maybe that's the only way to get through to them.
I hurt them.
I hurt myself.
Ray you've got nothing to feeI guilty for.
You didn't do anything.
As a matter of fact you were defending them.
That doesn't matter.
Guilt is just a way of life for me.
I was trained by masters.
My mother my father the Pope.
Listen just enjoy the quiet okay? Go to sleep.
Hello.
What's this? They killed themselves and Robert made them into sandwiches.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Listen I know you're hurt but there's something you should understand.
We didn't plan that meeting.
The neighbors just came over.
We're not hurt dear.
The neighbors were right.
- Right? - Hey we're not perfect.
- What? - We didn't know how our behavior affected others.
These people around here are very nice.
- So everything's okay with you? - Yes.
Water under the bridge.
Well good.
I'm glad you feeI that way.
I thought you might still be upset.
That meeting was supposed to be constructive.
- And it was.
- Very constructive.
So you're not mad- We really don't have anything more to say Ray.
You got some big sandwiches.
I'm sorry dear that's for the neighbors.
The neighbors are coming over? It's the least we could do for all the trouble we've caused.
Since when do you care about the trouble- Here they are.
Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you? Thanks a lot.
Wait a minute.
You're all friends now? Here's the ice.
Great job son.
Great job.
Thanks for stopping by Ray.
I made the dip.
Can't sleep? It's in the Bible.
¡°Honor thy mother.
¡± What about the father? Okay him too.
I didn't do anything.
- Ray.
- I'm coming.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry Father I thought this was the confessionaI.
This is the confessionaI.
Where's the booth with the kneeler and the sliding window through which you can't see me? You haven't been here in a while have you? Twenty years.
I've been good.
Would you like to have a seat? I start right? Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It's been you know a long time since my last confession.
Let's see.
I've cursed about 90000 times ate a lot of meat on Fridays.
We abolished that rule a long time ago.
Wow£¡You guys are changing everything.
Now what really brings you here after 20 years? All right the thing is I think I broke one of the commandments.
The one about ¡°Honor thy father and thy mother.
¡± Really? That's bad huh? I just don't get that one a lot.
At least not from someone in your age group.
You're more in the ¡°Covet thy neighbor's wife¡± phase of life.
It's not that I don't love my mother and my father it's just that it's very hard to honor them.
You're trying to put them in a home.
No.
The neighbors wanted to throw them out of the neighborhood and even though I was defending them and the neighbors are okay now I still feeI guilty.
It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.
Then how come I feeI so lousy? Maybe your guilt's coming from a deeper place.
What do you mean? How do you feeI about your parents? What are you saying? Are you saying that maybe I feeI this way because deep down I think the neighbors are right? That part of me wants to throw them out of the neighborhood too? That they've been just driving me crazy my whole life? That's what you are saying isn't it? We all have these kinds of feeling from time to time.
You know there was a man on our church counciI a few years ago.
A decent enough fellow but a bit abrasive.
Oblivious to anyone else's feelings.
I wanted to get him out of my hair.
I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism.
- One day I said ¡°Frank I think-¡± - Wait a minute his name was Frank? - That's unimportant.
The point- - No.
Frank Barone? - You know Frank Barone? - He's my father.
- Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone? - Yes£¡ You're absolved.
What? Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
Yeah? Really? You're sure? Well I could look it up but I'm almost positive.
Thank you Father.
This is great.
Let me ask you something.
Will it be wrong to let them know how I feeI? That I'm just sick and tired of being manipulated and treated like a child and I'm just not gonna let them do it anymore? Are you going to take the name of the Lord in vain when you do? - No.
- Then go with God.
You guys you're great.
I'm gonna tell all my friends about you.
All right.
Mom and Dad listen up here.
I don't care what you think about me.
This has been a long time coming.
I'm gonna say it right now and you're gonna hear it.
Say what you wanna say Ray.
We're listening.
Well? Listen I'm sorry.
He said it£¡ Good thing.
You did the right thing.
That's all we ever wanted to hear.
That's all a parent ever wants from a child.
Constant apology right.
Good to have you back Ray.
We missed you.
- You hungry honey? - Yeah.
Good.
Hey Robert this is Ray's chair.
There you go.
Come on sit down on the old chair.
Here.
I can understand why it bothers you.
But it's quite normaI to have thoughts about your parents dying.
Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?