Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e20 Episode Script

- Gary, last night was wonderful for me.
- It was wonderful for me, too.
You probably never thought you could just spend the night with a woman and not have sex.
Well, after 15 years of marriage, it's amazing what you can accomplish when it's not your choice.
Well, I appreciate you understanding.
It's important that we don't rush this.
But your patience will be rewarded.
- Really? - Yeah.
Just not right now.
Okay, see you later, Gary.
And again, thank you for last night.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well, Mitch, there goes another satisfied customer from Gary's House of Love.
Over five served.
- You got nothing.
- I got nothing.
How did you know? I'm a Marine.
I can hear an enemy scout sneaking into a foxhole from 200 yards away.
Last night, I didn't hear that.
Look, Joan's a great woman, Mitch, you know? It's just we had a few missteps on our way and she doesn't wanna seal the deal until we've really made sure we're right for each other.
It's torture.
So, why are you hanging in there, man? 'Cause she's fantastic.
She's beautiful, she's a schoolteacher, she's willing to put up with a guy who's divorced with an annoying ex-wife, two kids and a deadbeat brother who's sleeping on his couch.
Another veteran comes home and gets treated like crap.
Well, you are welcome for the freedom.
All right, Mitch.
I'm just kidding, okay? You're my brother.
I love having you around.
- It's been great, okay? - Look, you're right.
I've been kind of getting in your way around here, so I think it's time I packed my stuff and moved on.
No, no, Mitch, where are you gonna go? Tommy's room.
That's your big plan? You're gonna move on 20 feet? Yeah.
Yeah.
And if you're available later, I sure could use help moving some of this stuff.
I'd love to, but I have to get to work.
And thanks to Joan, I have to go take a cold shower.
Allison called.
Something about replacing her garbage disposal? Oh, my gosh.
I totally forgot.
I told her I would do that for her.
Now I've got to go to Allison's house, but now I don't need that cold shower.
Deeper.
Hold onto it.
Now let it all out.
Oh, my God.
- Slower.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you for letting my energy be one with yours.
Allison? - Allison! - Jeez.
Seven, I'm sorry.
I was still feeling your energy.
But we were somewhere else and they weren't here.
Bye.
Bye.
- Bye, Allison.
Bye, Seven.
Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Your home is an oasis of calm and beauty.
It's much like your soul.
Thank you.
- That'll be $200.
- Oh, yeah.
I've got that right over here.
You know, Allison, I would love to give you a private session.
- I think you're ready.
- Oh, I'm ready.
I'm eager.
I'm an eager I am eager.
Well, that's wonderful.
Then, maybe after that session, I can take you out for, you know, an herbal tea.
That is so weird.
You love herbal tea and I'm having a birthday party for myself this Saturday.
Why don't you come? Come join me.
- All right.
It would be my - Yeah.
It would be my honor to be here and help you celebrate turning, what, 24? Seven, you are so in the ballpark.
Until then, this jasmine oil is for your heart chakra.
Thank you.
I am so tired of oiling my own chakra.
Bye.
What's the matter? Aren't your girls cold enough? For crying out loud, my tongue used to get stuck on that.
Gary, I am overheated.
I just finished a workout, all right? - What do you want? - I'll tell you what I don't want.
I don't wanna be here fixing your garbage disposal.
You know what? Just get it over with and get out, okay? And don't make a mess.
And don't eat anything.
After I saw where you store your food? That's not a problem.
You know, let's go ahead and add "no talking" to the list, okay? Why are you so cranky? I thought yoga was supposed to mellow you out.
I am very mellow, Gary.
Bite me.
You know, I saw your yoga instructor walking down the driveway.
What's his name? Nine? - Seven, Gary, yeah.
- Seven.
Yeah, well, I I saw those pants he was wearing.
I think calling him Four would have been generous.
Well, you're just jealous because he's in shape and you're a shape.
Well, Joan doesn't have any complaints.
Well, then she probably hasn't had sex with you yet.
Why don't you mind your own business? Wait a minute.
You guys haven't done anything? But I thought we added "no talking" to the list.
No, no, no.
That was before That was before I found out Joan and you hadn't closed the deal.
How do you know that? You don't get anything.
The last time you had action, you sat on your keys.
Oh, my God.
Gary, just shut up and fix the garbage disposal.
- Fine.
Stay out of my way.
- Fine.
Stay out of my way.
- No.
Stay out of my way.
- Yeah, fine, I will.
Look out.
Watch it.
Watch it.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Oh, my gosh.
What do we do now? What do you think we should do? I don't know.
What do you think we should do? I think I should leave.
Do you think I should leave? - Well, do you wanna leave? - I'd love to leave.
- Well, then you should leave.
- Okay, I'm gonna leave.
- Oh, my God, you're just gonna leave? - No, I'm not gonna leave.
- I think we should talk about this.
- I'm gonna leave.
Gary? Gary, I can't believe we did this.
I mean, what were you thinking? Me? Why are you blaming it on me? Why is it my fault? - Hello? You're the man.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You had ice-cream bars on your boobs! I'm sorry.
In what world is that me setting you up? Because you know I love ice cream and you know I love boobs.
You totally set me up.
Look, we cannot tell anybody that we did this, okay? No one! Yeah, right.
I'm gonna run out and tell my friends about having sex with you.
Hey, then, I know, I'll brag about the time I sneezed and peed a little in line at the bank.
I'm gonna go.
- What are you doing? - Getting a beer.
I don't have any beer, Gary.
Yeah, I always kept one taped up behind the light in case of emergencies.
But if I knew this was gonna be the emergency, I would have taped up a wobbly chair and a noose.
Great.
Gary, what is your brother doing here? Oh.
I forgot.
I told Mitch to come by and bring me my pipe wrench.
Just act natural, like nothing happened.
Fine.
Come in! - Hi, Mitch.
- Hey, there he is.
- You just did it.
- What? That's crazy, Mitch.
Tell him he's crazy.
I hate myself.
- Way to play along, Allison.
- I'm sorry, Gary! But I really do.
- What are you crying for? It wasn't bad.
- Yes, Gary, it was.
You have never been a good judge of that.
So does this mean you guys are getting back together? Oh, my God.
No! - What a horrible, horrible thing to say.
- What's wrong with you? - Don't even joke like that, Mitch.
- No.
No.
- Watch it.
- I wasn't trying to be funny.
It's a legitimate question.
I mean, Allison just gave you her most precious gift.
The gift was a lot more precious two kids ago.
Yeah? You still unwrapped it like a drunk monkey.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to schedule myself a flea dip.
Stop looking at me like that, Mitch.
Nothing happened.
I had meaningless sex with my ex-wife.
The end.
Great.
I just spent five years in Afghanistan trying to convince them that Americans aren't a bunch of decadent freaks, and here you are, jumping bed to bed, listening to your rock 'n' roll music, wearing your bluejeans! You just made America less safe today, Gary.
Nice job.
Wow, I didn't hear you come in.
If you were an enemy combatant, you wouldn't be able to say that because your throat would already be slashed.
- Hey, is that a real gumball machine? - Yeah, have all you want.
- Here are your bags, Uncle Mitch.
- Thanks, Louise.
Hey, hold on a second.
Let me give you a little something for the effort.
Here.
- Here you go.
- Whoa.
Hey, hey, what the You said I could have all I wanted.
- Thanks, Uncle Mitch.
- You bet.
So, roomie, flip you for top bunk.
- All right.
Here we go.
Call it.
- Heads.
Sorry.
All right.
You got bottom.
- Yeah, but I didn't even see if it was - Trust me.
You got bottom.
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
Hop on those bags.
Hup.
Ha! - Hey, Gare.
Hey.
- Hey.
Yeah I was just fixing the garbage disposal 'cause I knew you wouldn't be home.
- I can leave.
- No, no.
No, no.
It's good.
You know what? The party's tomorrow night.
- It'd be nice to have it fixed.
So - So - Okay.
- Yeah.
What's up? Look, Gary, I've been thinking a lot about what happened.
I mean, shouldn't we talk about this? - I don't need to talk about it.
- But shouldn't we just talk about it - and try to - No.
We don't need to talk about it.
We don't need to read articles about it.
We don't need to take an intimacy quiz.
We're not gonna act out our feelings with little puppets or hit each other with anger sticks unless the padding's taken off and I get to go first.
Just let it go.
We had sex.
It was a mistake.
We're done.
- Okay.
Forgotten.
- Thank you.
So I'm thinking about having mini-quiches at my party.
What do you think? How did we get here from mini-quiches? - I don't know, Gary.
We need help.
- Yes, we do.
Thank you for coming, Walter.
I'm happy you called me.
You said there was a problem.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'm glad we could put our complicated past aside and discuss it.
What's complicated about our past? Allison and I separated, you guys started dating, we got divorced, you guys got engaged and then she dumped you.
Thank you for the TV Guide recap of the most painful year of my life.
Do we really need this guy? We have to see Dr.
Krandall about this? Yes, Gary.
Unless you wanna start all over with a new therapist.
No, I don't want a new therapist.
But do we have to use the one that did grief counseling for the survivors of the Titanic? Okay.
I'm not gonna let your insults dissuade me from my mission, Gary.
Whatever it is you wanna discuss, I will advise you in a purely professional manner.
- Gary and I slept together.
- Animals! Filthy, disgusting animals! The two of you should be fixed.
Fixed! Excuse me.
Please continue.
Okay, Walter, I know this is difficult for you, but, please, you have to help us understand what's going on here.
Fine.
It's not uncommon for a divorced couple to relapse into a physical relationship.
It's comfortable, it's familiar and there's no strings attached.
Yeah, but why us? I mean, the sex wasn't even good when we were married, you know? It took me a CPR dummy to realize how magical a kiss could really be.
Really, Gary? Really? Because you doing foreplay is like a seal learning a new song on bike horns.
Look, don't beat yourselves up over this.
You're intelligent, thoughtful people who caught a mistake early on.
Just be grateful you only slept together once.
Um - Actually, it was twice.
- Skank! Miscreant! Insatiable, lust-filled heathens! You should be locked up.
Locked up! - Good to see Krandall again.
- He looks good, doesn't he? Dude.
Not cool.
Heat rises.
Sorry.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm just gonna go get a can of beer and a half-dozen hardboiled eggs.
You're gonna wish you never started this war.
Get ready for some shock and awe.
Wait, wait.
This is my room, okay? And these are my rules.
You're gonna sleep where I tell you, you're gonna get your bags out of the way and you're going to replace every single gumball.
And anything that comes out of my body is due to the fact that you took us to get burgers and you ordered the onion rings, all right? Not me.
You! So just get in the bottom bunk! Wow, Tommy, I'm proud of you.
Standing up to me like that? That had to feel good.
- Thanks.
- Still want the top bunk, though.
- Yeah, I'm good with that.
Go ahead.
- Yeah.
Hey.
How'd you get tricked into bartending? I volunteered.
When I was in the military, I didn't see a whole lot of women in short dresses, so I thought it would be best if I stood behind something.
- Well, the lady would like a margarita.
- Okay.
And, Joan, what would you like? That's a little leatherneck humor for you right there.
I'll have the same.
I'm gonna check out the food, okay? This must be a little weird for you, having Joan and Allison in the same room.
No, it's not weird at all.
Tonight is all about Joan.
I mean, look at her.
She's smoking.
Allison's my ex-wife, we're divorced and we're just gonna act like a normal divorced couple.
Okay? - Okay.
- Just mind your own business.
- Here comes Allison.
- Hey.
- What? - Nothing.
You look great, in a desperately-clinging-to-your-youth kind of way.
Gee, thanks, Gary.
You look nice, in a peaked-in-high-school kind of way.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's something still going on between you two, in a really-kind-of-messed-up way.
There's nothing going on between us, Mitch.
No, no, it Whatever it was before, it is over.
We did it.
It was great.
It's done.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- Hello, Allison.
- Hi.
Hi, Seven.
Hey, Gary, you wanna try one of these mini-quiches? I think I might be allergic to those.
Happy birthday.
And I brought you a little something.
It's a pebble I found while walking the beaches of the Black Sea.
- Oh.
That's very nice.
Thank you.
- Well, actually, it It found me.
- It was late July.
I was walking along - Hey, just Could you just excuse me for, like, one second? But seriously, I love the rock.
I do.
Hi, Joan, boy, you look pretty.
Gary, I need to talk to you.
- What did you mean it was great? - What? - You said the sex was great.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did, Gary.
You told Mitch, "We did it.
It was great.
And it's done.
" I wanna know what the hell you meant by, "It was great.
" I probably meant it was great, okay? I mean, you moved around.
You made noise, you had your legs wrapped around me like a cage fighter.
Oh, crap, Gary.
It was great.
- It was great for you, too? - Yeah, Gary.
It was amazing, all right? All right, don't raise your voice.
I didn't do it on purpose, okay? Really? Why couldn't it have been awful, like when we were married, you know? It was the very first time I imagined your head on your body.
Why didn't you picture Seven's head on my body? Next time, I will.
Hi, Seven, I am ready for those private lessons.
Great.
I'll check my calendar.
Well, I'm free any time, you know.
Morning, afternoon, I can have all these people gone in 15 minutes.
- Hey, I need to talk to you, Allison.
- No, no.
Yeah, I do.
Hey, come here.
What? What, Gary? What do you mean, "next time"? I didn't mean to say that, all right? Believe me, Gary, I don't wanna do it again.
Then why are you wearing your "I wanna do it again" dress? I'm not.
I'm wearing my "I wanna do it again, but not with you" dress.
And what about you? With the nice jacket that shows off your shoulders and gives you the illusion of a waist? Thank you.
I'm not wearing it for you.
I'm wearing it for Joan! Well, I am not wearing this for you, okay? So leave me alone.
You leave me alone, all right? - What No, no.
- No! - Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
- Gary! - I got it! I got it! - Gary! - I got it! - God! - I got it! - I thought you fixed it! - I couldn't fix it! You kept dragging me up to your bedroom to have sex with me.
What? I dragged you? You were chasing me around like I was made out of biscuits.
Oh, please.
You jumped on me like a mountain lion jumps on a hiker with a broken leg.
God! Gary, look at this mess! You know what, this is just like our marriage.
I'd ask you to do one little thing, but, of course, you can't be bothered to do it.
This can't be anything like our marriage because we keep having sex.
I cannot believe I am in here, making out with you while there is a gorgeous man waiting in there for me.
Now, if you don't mind, Gary, I'm going to see how many times Seven goes into 39.
Happy birthday to you Am I the only one who knows this? You know, all in all, it was one of my better parties.
Oh, yeah.
It was rocking.
Right up to the point where everybody found out we had sex and Joan threw a drink in my face.
Do your eyes still sting from the tequila? Well, the left one is completely clouded over, so, no.
But the right one I'm starting to see shapes out of.
I think that's you over there.
Right? That you over there? So you think you still got a shot with Seven? Who cares? I mean, he wears a toe ring.
And his real name is Larry.
You know? What was I What was I thinking? - You'll find a guy, Allison.
- I'm 39.
Yeah, but you're also divorced with two kids.
Why do you think we ended up back in bed together? I don't know.
I think it's like Krandall said, you know, it was just easy and familiar.
New relationships are hard.
I know.
But, come on, Gary.
Why was it so good? Allison, it didn't have the weight of the whole marriage on it, the mortgage, the bills, the kids.
It was just crazy and wild and fun, like when we first started dating, that's all.
That's exactly what it was.
So, if we knew divorce was gonna be this hard, do you still think we would've done it? Hey, I would marry and divorce you all over again.
- That is so sweet.
- I'm a charmer.
But if we have a chance of making this divorce work, - we can't end up in bed together.
- Never again.
Ever.
Are you ever gonna fix the garbage disposal? You should probably just hire a guy.