Life with Boys (2011) s01e20 Episode Script

But Allie, I picked the movie for the last sleepover so it's only fair that you pick tonight.
No, not that one.
Or that one.
Definitely not that one.
Okay, why don't we make cookies instead? Doesn't that sound like fun? Great.
No, not that kind.
Or that kind.
Definitely not that kind.
Oatmeal raisin? Ooh, I'm not a big raisin fan.
How about just oatmeal? Not a big oatmeal fan.
Well, you're here.
I've got to go.
That was Tess.
She's impossible.
Hey, she's your friend.
Deal with it.
Who'd like to go to Jason Kendrick's party with me tonight, Allie-not-Tess? Oh, I'm so sorry.
She already has plans with me, Kaylee-not-worth-it.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand what you said.
I don't speak Loser.
Okay, I have a compromise that'll make everybody happy.
I go to Jason's party tonight and I sleep over at your house tomorrow night.
I mean, it's rational, it's fair And it's not going to happen.
Whatever.
We are baking oatmeal raisin cookies and that is final.
How about macadamia nut white chocolate? Oatmeal and raisin.
Fine, but I think you're being a little selfish, considering I'm letting you pick the movie.
When did we turn into a bickering old couple? When you decided to prefer cookies that my grandmother eats to keep regular.
Hey, why is your dad talking to Kaylee's mom? I usually keep most things Ooh, she must be in trouble.
I bet she forged a note to get out of running the mile.
You ever seen that girl run? Hey, that's how I run.
And when you do it, it's adorable.
Hey, Dad! Hey, Tessie.
You know Ms.
Brinkley, right? Yes.
Hi.
I hope Kaylee isn't in trouble.
Yeah, that would be awful.
So, what did she do? Tell us.
It's good to talk about it.
No, no, she's not in any trouble.
Of course not, no, no, no.
We were just chatting, yeah, a little parent-teacher conference chat just friends, not that kind of friends, just parent-teacher friends who, uhh Chat.
Chat.
Chat.
A lot.
Yeah.
Oh no.
Honey, I was going to talk to you about this tonight.
Which brings me back to: "Oh no.
" Mom, what are you doing talking to Coach Oh no.
Wow, she got it faster than you did.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life You and her? You and him? Don't you call him "Him"! Don't you call her "Her"! Well, on the bright side, oatmeal raisin is no longer your biggest problem today.
Allie, maybe you should Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing, but without the "Maybe".
Dad, can I talk to you alone for a sec? Take all the time you want.
Kaylee! Be right back, Jen.
A gym teacher, Mother? Really? I cannot believe you are even thinking about going on a date with the women who gave birth to that monster! Actually, we've already gone out a couple of times.
"A couple of times"? Yeah.
Now, you listen to me.
Now, you listen to me, mister.
No, you listen to me.
She's a very nice lady.
And if I want to date her, I will date her.
And I expect you to Act your age and try to make an effort.
But Dad Don't "But Mom" me.
You're going to try to get along And that's final! Fine.
Look, you don't like it, I don't like it.
But we promised we would try to get along, so what do you say? Sure, why not? Hey, did you see that new Johnny Depp movie? I loved it.
I hated it.
Okay.
I like your earrings.
Duh.
Okay.
So, Allie's sleeping over tonight.
You want to join us.
Sure.
Really? Of course not.
Okay.
"Surrender the tower or die!" "We shall never surrender!" "Then you shall die!" "Say hello to my little friend!" Spencer, I'm trying to study! Do you mind? Nope, doesn't bother me at all.
I mean it! Stop shooting! You heard him, men.
Time to stink them out.
Prepare the underwear bombs! My homework! Please tell me these aren't used.
They aren't used.
Now ask me if I'm lying.
That's it! Dad! Dudes, can you keep it down? I'm practicing my smile in the mirror.
And hearing two children yell about underwear is breaking my concentration.
You're practicing your smile? Hey, this doesn't just happen.
All right, I just walked all the way up here.
Somebody better be bleeding.
Interrupting my smile time! Hey, this doesn't just happen.
Okay, that's enough.
You two have been at each other for months and this ends now.
Yeah, lay down the law, Dad! Knock-knock.
Who's there? The law! Sam, you're moving in with Gabe.
Yes! Good.
Gabe who? Gabe you.
I did try, Allie.
I mean, you know me.
I'm a people person.
I can get along with anybody.
Hey, when we have an argument, you don't throw darts at me, do you? No.
Look, can we not talk about this right now? I'm emotionally distraught.
This whole dating Kaylee's mom thing is so unfair.
I just have to tell my dad I can't deal with it.
But he seems so happy.
"Seems".
What you're forgetting is father's are really only happy when their baby girls are happy.
That is true.
So, are you going with a pout or a full-on cry? I'm thinking pout with a slight well-up.
Ooh, combo attack.
I like it.
Mom, Mom, Mom.
Mom, Mom! Mom, we've only been out on a couple of dates.
There's no need to get on a plane yet.
Yes, I know, I'll only have my looks for so long.
Thank you.
You say that every single time you call.
Look, look, is Dad there? Ah, of course he's out.
No, no, no, I didn't say anything.
Oh, Tess needs me, got to go, love you, bye.
Your grandmother is a wonderful woman In her own way.
I've said that before.
It's just that every time I date someone, she has a way of making things more difficult than they need to be.
But not you, nope.
I asked you to make an effort with Kaylee and you stepped up.
Well, to be fair, you never really asked.
It was more like "You're going to do this! Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra!" Whoa.
Anyway Yes, but you're doing it anyway, and you're doing it because you love me.
I appreciate that.
Thanks, honey.
No problem, because you just pointed out I love you.
What is wrong with me? Always come out of the gates with a full-on cry! What am I, a rookie? See? Doesn't this make you feel better? What would make me feel better is if this was actually Kaylee.
I was talking about this.
Nice, but it would have been better if her face was a little lower and in the back.
Lower and in the back? Why would that make a It would make her a monkey butt.
But it's a gorilla.
Fine, it would make her a gorilla butt.
But that's not funny.
That's why I said "Monkey butt".
Monkey butt.
Too late.
Okay.
Why don't we just focus on the positives? I mean, not the fact that you hate Kaylee and she hates you and you can't tell your dad how you really feel.
So, what's the positive? Do I have to think of everything? I just wish I could break them up.
I know, but you're way too good of a person for that.
True, I've always been like that, and I'm sick of it.
So, let's break these suckers up.
Now, think.
Wow, Becca, even over this video chat, you look amazing.
Thanks, Gaby.
And what about me? You always look good.
Oh, stop! Hey, Becca, how's it going? Dude, not cool.
I'm just saying hi to Becca.
Her sister's in my French class.
Hey, can you ask your sister how she translated number six on tonight's homework.
I got Go ahead.
I'll wait.
I'll call you back.
Get out of my room! Excusez-moi, but this is my room too, according to notre pere, which means "Our father" for those who are limited to but one language.
You see, that's where you're wrong.
I also speak Fist.
Go ahead, do it.
I'll just go to notre pere Our father.
We just went through this.
And you'll wind up sharing a bunk bed with Spencer and I'll get this room all to myself.
Good luck being all "Hey, baby, you're amazing, but I'm more amazing" with underwear bombs bouncing off your head.
You know, someday, you're going to need a ride and I'm going to have my license.
And you know what's going to happen then? Yeah, Dad's going to make you take me.
Check and mate.
Boop.
Winning.
Wait, I know how to break 'em up.
Okay, we take those mail-order steaks my dad has in the freezer and put them in her purse.
And then he'll be like "Is that meat juice dripping out of your purse? Did you steal our meat?" And she'll be like "I don't know how that got there.
" And then Your dad will look at you and you'll cave under the pressure, admit what you did, and the next thing you know, he's married her just to teach you a lesson.
Ooh, okay, how about this? We could slip garlic pills into her food.
That way, her breath would totally stink when they kiss.
Never going to happen.
My dad doesn't kiss his dates.
But He never kisses his dates.
Oh, come on, I think you're being a little Immature.
Ah! Sam, I had a scary dream.
Sam? Dad! Hey, what about if we That's not going to work.
But I didn't even say anything yet.
I was playing the odds.
Great, you hate all my ideas, your nail polish is gloopy Dad! And now I'm hearing blood-curdling screams in the night.
Best sleepover ever.
I had a scary dream! I'll be right there, Spence.
Oh, poor little guy.
His first night alone and he's having a nightmare? I mean, I get it.
This is a big change in his life and That's it.
Allie, I know how I'm going to fix this.
I don't think you can fix it.
Why not? It's just too gloopy.
You're going to have to throw it away.
I was talking about how to break them up.
Oh.
Okay, when I was Spencer's age, I had this nightmare and it was awful.
I was trapped in a giant bow of Brussels sprouts.
And I was trying to get out, but I was sleeping, and more and more kept falling on me.
And then they had faces and they laughed at me.
Oh, sweetie, Brussels sprouts are good for you.
They're not scary.
Actually, the way you make them They're delicious.
Now, see, everyone needs their vegetables.
But if Brussels sprouts scare you that much, you don't have to eat them.
You can have broccoli or green beans.
Can I have the same deal? No.
Yes, dear.
Nice try, Daddy.
Really? You remember a nightmare about Brussels sprouts? They are bitter, compacted balls of yuck that wish they were cabbages.
You know what I hate? Squash.
I mean, even the name is unappealing.
Squash! "Here, try some delicious squash!" Oh, I see.
You get a veggie vent and I don't.
Well, that's fine.
I hope, tomorrow, your dad serves you squash.
The point is I had a scary dream about something I hated and my parents made it go away.
And what worked once can work again.
Ah! Dad! Oh! Ow! I had a nightmare! I love being a dad.
I love being a dad.
I love Nope, it's not working.
Dad! Ow! Dad, where are you going? I'll just be a second, buddy.
I'm right out here.
Dad! What's going on? Oh, didn't you read the memo? This is "Everyone Have A Nightmare" night.
Now, go back to bed and wait your turn.
Dad! Dad! Sam, stay with your brother while I check on Tess.
Come on! Why do I have to Will I never be free of him? It's okay, sweetie.
Look, Daddy's here now.
Hey, honey? Are you all right? No.
It was awful.
I'll go get her a glass of warm milk.
Maybe you can uncover the real life trauma that motivated this dream.
Bye.
Tessie, it's okay.
Whatever you dreamt, we'll figure out what it was really about and everything will be okay.
You promise? I promise.
You and I were hiking, and somehow, we got separated.
And I was calling for you, but you didn't answer.
And then, it got really dark and the wind started howling and the trees started yelling at me and they all turned into evil witches with the same face.
Really? Yeah, I'll never forget it.
It was I'm moving back in with Spencer.
What? I walk in, he smiles at me, and two seconds later, he's sound asleep.
What am I supposed to do? The kid needs me.
Hey, Sammy, I'm really proud of you.
At the end of the day, you decided that Spencer's happiness was more important than your own.
And that's what family's all about.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a wonderful human being.
You know his night farts go right through the mattress? Tell me about it.
I'm sorry, honey.
So, you were lost, it was dark, it was windy and all the trees looked like Me, they looked like me.
Really? They didn't look like Kaylee or her mom? 'Cause that's where I thought this whole real life dream trauma scam was going.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It was Kaylee.
She's just such a Kaylee? Yeah, sure, let's go with that.
I tried to get along with her.
I really did, but I couldn't.
So, I faked a bad dream so that you would stop dating her mom.
I'm selfish and immature.
And now I bet Sam's your favourite kid, not me.
Oh, come on, honey.
That's not true.
Spencer's my favourite.
You must think I'm terrible.
No, I think you're normal.
I mean, there are some people in your mom's family that I didn't get along with.
Yeah, but you put up with them because it made mom happy.
Yeah, when she was happy, I was happy.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'll try harder with Kaylee.
I know you will.
I got to ask: if I'd gone full-on cry and asked you to stop dating Kaylee's mom, would that have worked? Are you kidding me? When my baby girl cries, it gets me every time.
Yeah, it's too late.