Mad About You s01e20 Episode Script

- They still have you on hold? - Can you believe it? Ten million cable TVs in this city, one repair guy.
Yes.
Hi.
Yes, I'm still here.
No, the sound we have.
It's the picture, not so much.
Honey, don't hit the TV.
Huh? Oh, he says we should hit the TV.
No, it's still wavy.
- What kind of wavy? - Squiggly, sporadic, sort of snowy.
Just tell him it's like this.
Sir, are you familiar with the Polynesian dance the aliwakiali? Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have a plan But I'm mad about you, baby So help me understand What we do You can whisper in my ear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Sir, of course we want our cable fixed.
We're not home from 8:00 till 4:00.
Jobs! No, I will not be put on hold I'm holding.
Maybe we could just watch it like this.
It's kinda soothing.
Now somebody else is calling.
Hello? Yeah, listen, can she call you back? She will.
I'm on hold with the cable guy.
Please.
Hello He hung up.
Great.
- Who was it? - It was for you.
Her name One name.
Woman's name.
Diane? Not Diane.
Like Diane.
Diane.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
I was confused.
I had the whole cable situation going on.
Shoot me.
Diane Caldwell's room, please.
Probably the padded one.
Diane Caldwell, Spy Girl? Diane Caldwell, pain in the butt.
From the TV show? That's who you're calling? - She's a client.
- You never told me that.
That would have required a conversation about me.
I used to love her.
Man! When I was nine I wanted to marry her.
When I was 30 I wanted to marry her.
Diane? Hi.
Jamie.
Did your plane get in all right? - Tell her I used to love her.
- What? They wouldn't give you peanuts? Tell her.
I'm sorry there was turbulence.
I requested a non-turbulent flight.
I can't believe I hung up on Spy Girl.
Diane, why don't you get settled I'm so stupid! Diane, the presidential suite is a deluxe room.
- Tell her I didn't know it was her.
- And I'll see you at 7:30.
Okay, looking forward to it.
Bye-bye.
Go away, go away, go away.
I can't believe I was on the phone I talked to Spy Girl.
Twenty years ago she was Spy Girl.
Now she's written this stupid book.
Not only do I have to promote it, I have to read it.
I don't think you appreciate it.
This woman saved Western civilization every Tuesday night for six years.
No wonder she's so irritable.
- They got pictures in there? - Yes.
Of her with the boots? Look how confident she is.
Well, you know, she's holding a bazooka.
- You find that attractive? - Very much so, yes.
- Why? - 'Cause Well, you know, it's a guy thing.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but Diane Caldwell is no Spy Girl.
What do you mean? She's whiny, demanding, and she calls me Karen.
Well, in her defense let me just say this she was brainwashed by SCRUM.
- SCRUM? - Yes.
Society for the Corruption and Ruination of Universal Mankind.
I love when you talk politics.
- Come to dinner.
I'll show you off.
- Are you kidding me? I'm serious.
You can suck up to her so I don't have to.
Oh, that's Ira.
This is gonna kill him.
His brain is gonna explode.
- Hey, you ready? - Please come in.
- Hey, James.
You coming with us? - I don't think so.
'Cause if we're gonna sneak into all three movies we gotta leave now.
Been a bit of a change in plan there, pal.
Yeah? What are we doing? Well, it's not "we" so much as "me," really.
- Yeah? What? - It's completely me and not at all you.
- Wouldn't you say that's the case? - I'm staying out of this one.
My lovely bride has invited me to go to dinner tonight with a client of hers.
Well, that's cool.
- Would you like to know who? - Why? Do I care? Well, you might, in the sense that this is somebody you once worshipped.
You're having dinner with Ron Swaboda? Taller.
Prettier.
Shapelier legs.
Ed Kranepool? We're having dinner with Diane Caldwell.
- Spy Girl? - Why did you do that? I couldn't stand it anymore.
- You're having dinner with Spy Girl? - Better I am and you're not.
I'm thinking about camp for you this summer.
- Why is he having dinner with Spy Girl? - Because I'm promoting her new book.
Big book.
Big dinner.
And you can't come.
- You gotta let me come with you.
- I would if I could, but sadly, I can't.
- I would never do this to you.
- You always did this to me all my life.
I got the Spy Girl Thermos, so you had to get the lunch box.
I got the doll, you got the action set.
I got the badge, you got the walkie-talkies.
You got the doll? It wasn't a doll.
It was like a little statue.
- It was a doll.
- It wasn't.
The whole family was worried.
The point is, now I'm having dinner with the actual thing itself and you can't come with us.
You know, you never got over the fact that Spy Girl liked me more than you.
- Liar! - I'm so proud of you both.
- We both wrote letters.
- And she only wrote back to me.
Yes, because you never mailed my letter.
Oh, you never proved that.
It was such a much better letter than your stupid letter that if she was gonna answer one letter it clearly would've been my letter which proves to me that you never mailed my letter.
So now, to pay for that, you can't come.
I'm glad I didn't mail your letter.
Okay, all right, all right! Did you know that Diane Caldwell was almost gonna be That Girl? What girl? The show That Girl.
Really? What happened? No chemistry with Ted Bessell.
- Would the turtleneck have been better? - Trust me.
I just remember she liked turtlenecks.
Spy Girl liked turtlenecks in 1968.
Besides, it doesn't fit.
Meaning what? It clings.
It bunched up right here.
You know, there is a side of you that I forget about sometimes.
I'm just trying to bring you down to earth.
I'm on earth.
I'm fine.
I'm having dinner with my wife and her client.
- Diane Caldwell, not Spy Girl.
- I know.
I understand.
Do you think she would sign my Spy Girl I D card? Aren't you ashamed? I'll only ask if it feels right.
- This way, Miss Caldwell.
- I was getting worried about you.
You wouldn't believe the cab driver I just had.
He tells me he can't cut through the park.
And of course he can't hear me because the sitar music is so loud.
And every time he steps on the gas Good to see you.
Sit down.
Oh, you always have such good ideas.
- Hi.
- Larry, right? Yes, it is.
- No, you're Paul.
- Well, whatever.
It's a big pleasure to meet you.
I'm a very big fan.
- Join the club.
- I did.
Hey! I'm impressed.
Honey, what are you doing? Honey? Oh, I'm sorry.
I just I didn't think you would, but I was kinda hoping for the go-go boots.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Diane's done a lot of wonderful work since Spy Girl.
Shakespeare in the park, New Drama Workshop in London.
People want to know about Spy Girl, not me.
I didn't mean to imply in any way I remember years ago I was talking to Adam West You mean Batman Adam West? You know Adam West? Intimately.
Wow.
Really? It's in my book.
I know.
Adam always used to say to me "You know, no matter what you do people will always remember you as Spy Girl.
" And I understand Adam's point a little bit because when I was a kid I was in the third grade and I painted this stupid painting.
It was just a guy sitting in a canoe.
My parents thought it was so terrific and they were so proud of it.
So to this day we go to their house it doesn't matter what I've accomplished in my work or my adult life they always say the same thing "Show them the picture with the canoe.
" So I can relate a little bit to what you're saying.
Hey! Small world! - Ira - What are you kids doing here? Better yet, what are you doing here? Ira, this is Diane.
Diane, this is Ira.
- You're Diane Caldwell, aren't you? - Yes.
And no, I'm not wearing the go-go boots.
- Go-go boots? - Spy Girl.
Oh, from the show on television.
Of course.
No, no, no.
I remember seeing you in King Lear a few years ago.
You were just great.
Yeah, right.
Like you went to King Lear.
I did, and I was captivated.
Yeah, right.
Like you were captivated.
- Honey? - What? - I'm honored that you liked my work.
- I'm flattered that you're honored.
- How did you know that we were here? - Kismet.
I just wandered in.
I was meeting some people at Carnegie Hall.
Liar - Why don't you join us? - Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
- Oh, yes, you could.
- Diane, that's really not necessary.
Yes, it is.
- Ira, why don't you join us? - Thank you.
Always room for a man in a turtleneck.
I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Ira.
Show me where this bunches.
I see no bunches.
There's no bunching.
- I think it looks very good.
- Yes, it does.
If you'd worn that, maybe you could've walked Spy Girl back to the hotel.
Meanwhile, I'll bet you a million bucks she didn't let him past the lobby.
- Why? Would that upset you? - No, I'm just saying Why is my cousin Ira, who did lower than me on his SATs in a hotel suite with Spy Girl? Honey, I'm sorry it couldn't have been you.
Did I say I wanted it to be me? Tell me you don't.
No, listen, I don't have those desires anymore.
Well, you used to.
- Yeah, well, it went away.
- When? March.
Middle of March, last year.
March 11 I was filled with desires, and on the 12th there were no more desires.
Like that, they just went away.
You're trying to tell me you don't have fantasies about other people? No.
Why? Do you? Well, of course.
Okay.
I do too, then.
What about? - Oh, forget it.
- Come on.
Why me? You started it.
You tell me.
I don't know, sometimes I'll imagine a place or a person some beautiful man or woman and Wait, so when you're with this other woman where am I? You're around.
I am? Sometimes.
And the other times? You're at work.
See, I knew there was something going on.
Okay, your turn.
- Let's not do this.
- Please? - We start sharing, someone gets hurt.
- Come on, tell me.
Really, I want to know.
All right, well, without revealing too much you look smashing in a Viking helmet.
That's all I'm saying.
How do I look in go-go boots and a bazooka? - Not as good as your sister.
- Oh, you're sick! - You asked! - Oh! I can't talk to you about anything.
Thank you for a beautiful evening.
I brought doughnuts.
You're roaming the streets kind of early.
Hey, wait a second.
Is it my imagination, or are you wearing the same clothes from last night? Very good observation, Spy Boy.
How is Diane? Believe me Is there something you would like to share with the group? It's like this.
After Miss Caldwell and I left you last night - You slept with her? - We took a leisurely stroll.
- You slept with her.
- It was a beautiful night.
- Just say it! - There was a bit of a wind chill.
- You slept with her! - Hey, who's telling the story here? This story better have a happy ending, because if I lose this account - Excuse me.
I want details.
- Oh, please.
- Not in front of her.
- Go on, shock me.
She loved it.
Couldn't get enough.
I had to hold on for dear life.
I would like some details, please.
I'm not letting you two cheapen a beautiful experience.
Give me a break.
Diane is a terrific lady.
Did you know that she grows her own tarragon? - She has a little garden at home.
- Really? - It's in the book.
- I know.
- Is he serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
I'm headin' home, hittin' the showers then back uptown to meet her at the book signing.
- I'm worried about you, tarragon boy.
- Yeah? Why? Because every guy that Spy Girl loves dies at the end.
That was the fourth leading cause of death in 1968.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna take my chances.
Believe me, this lady is worth it.
So, Fran tells me you had dinner with Spy Girl.
I can't believe you don't invite me.
Come on, Mark, you're a married man.
Why torture yourself? I checked the service.
The hospital called.
Mrs.
Heller's contractions are now two minutes apart.
Ah, a few hours of labor never hurt anybody.
I've been waiting 20 years for this.
You gotta get us to the front of the line, or I'm gonna kill him.
- Honey, take him up there, please.
- Come here.
What is it with this woman? I don't know.
She wore boots.
I would like you to meet a good friend of ours, Dr.
Mark Davanow.
Mark is one of Manhattan's most respected physicians.
Oh.
It's an honor.
I gotta tell ya, I saw you do King Lear in the park.
You were fantastic.
Just fantastic.
If Shakespeare had been there, he would have raveth.
I laugh because Shakespeare had that "th" thing.
This was after you did Plaza Suite but just before you did Brigadoon at the Westbury Music Fair.
The versatility! Come on! And you look as beautiful today as you did back then.
You know what you should do? You should do one of those exercise videos.
Or Ibsen.
Yeah.
Mark, they called again.
The head's out.
Let's go.
Okay, look, I have to go.
But you listen to what I say, because I know I'm right.
Yo, Diane.
God, that guy looks so familiar.
Where do I know him from? - Last night? - Oh, right.
- Yo, babe.
How's it goin'? - Hey, Ira.
We're working here.
You got plenty of time for that later.
You and Paul wanna join us for dinner? - I don't know.
- Come on.
We'd love it, right? Well, actually I guess I spoke too soon.
Sorry.
We want to be alone.
Karen, can I speak to you for a minute? - Hey, give Ms.
Caldwell a little space.
- Sorry.
Your cousin Irving is driving me crazy.
You have a nice dinner with the guy, you spend the night.
Suddenly he's all over you like it's a thing and it's not a thing because I'm flying out of here tonight.
You think he knows, and he seems to think it's a thing and it's not and then it suddenly becomes a whole thing.
- Can you get me a diet soda? - Shouldn't you tell this to Ira? I was hoping you would.
Would you? Thanks.
And crushed ice, if they have it.
Oh, God.
Oh, poor Ira.
You know, I would really like to be the one to break it to him.
- Uh-huh.
I bet you would.
- I think I should.
- Be gentle.
- Of course.
Schmooie, come here.
Yeah, sure.
- Don't you go anywhere.
- I gotta talk to you.
- How many books have we sold? - A lot.
Boy, people like me.
She's great, isn't she? Who would've ever thought a guy like me would wind up with a class act like her? You're gonna take all the fun out of this for me.
What do you mean? See, Spy Girl Spy Girl is kinda moving on to her next adventure.
Excuse me? I don't know how to put this gently.
She's dumping you.
- You petty child.
- Wait a second I cannot believe you would stoop this low.
I finally met a terrific woman.
You should be happy for me.
Ira, Ira, Ira, I told you this in 1968 and I'll tell it to you again now.
Spy Girl ain't interested in you.
Every 20 years I gotta explain this.
You don't have to explain anything.
When you wait for the real thing as long as I have, you know when it comes along.
Diane, don't you think you should talk to Ira? Who? From last night? He's over there.
- I thought you were taking care of that.
- No! I will book talk shows for you.
I'll send out your press release.
I'll even yell at the airline about your damn peanuts.
But I will not break some poor guy's heart for you.
Do it.
It'll be good for your career.
Ira.
Thank you for the roses.
I'm sorry that I left this morning before saying good-bye, but that's the way I am when I meet someone who I'm really crazy about.
I've had to give so much to my public all these years I just haven't enough left to give to any one man.
I wish I did, but I don't.
But if there were just one man, I'd want it to be you.
Thank you for last night.
Good-bye, Ira.
Good-bye.
I asked for a diet soda.
She used me.
- I'm sorry, Ira.
- I mean, she used me.
That is so cool.
- It is? - Yeah, sure.
Who would've ever dreamed that I, a boy from Sheepshead Bay would grow up and get used by Spy Girl? Listen, you don't have to do this.
Believe me, I know how you're feeling.
No, you don't.
Adam West knows how I'm feeling.
You have no idea.
We are an elite fraternity, son, and you just didn't make the cut.
- Yeah, 'cause you didn't mail my letter.
- Hey, hey.
Don't feel bad.
What you've got is pretty damn good.
Oh, thank you, Ira.
Yeah.
They're from me too.
- To Spy Girl.
- To Spy Girl.
You know who else was pretty hot? Elly May.
Jethro would've hunted you down like a dog.
Patty Duke was cute.
Patty Duke? That's good.
Then there would've been one for each of us.
Which one do you want? Which is the one that's been most everywhere? - Cathy.
- Then the other one.
You know, I once had a thing for Betty Rubble.
Animated.
She was animated.
I'd have calmed her down.
She was a drawing.
A man can dream, can't he?