Melissa & Joey s01e20 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And three, two, one There they are.
Oh, well, thanks for waiting up for us, grandma.
- Hi, Joe.
- Fletcher.
It is 11:00 on the dot.
The last three times you guys walked through that door, it's been exactly 11:00.
You're like a cuckoo clock.
Well, he's very reliable.
He's very punctual.
I know how reliability gets you all hot and bothered, so I'll leave you two punctual kids alone.
I had a really nice time tonight.
It was a good restaurant, right? Yeah, it was a great restaurant, good bottle of wine.
If my mother had shown up sober to say she was proud of me, it would have been off the charts.
I'm sorry, you were waiting for your mother tonight? No no no, it was just a little joke.
Ah.
Oh, I get it now.
- Sometimes it takes me a little-- - I know.
So can I call you tomorrow? Sure, you can.
- Is 4:00 okay? - Surprise me.
Okay, sometime between Ooh, the suspense.
So three dates in a row with the same guy, huh? Has Fletcher finally cracked the Mel Burke code? Well, he keeps asking me out and I keep saying yes.
I mean, a girl's got to eat.
That is so incredibly romantic.
So you gonna cut him loose soon or squeeze a few more fancy meals out of him first? Oh, believe me, I'm not squeezing anything.
He's not-- I-- I don't know.
I just don't think this thing has any legs, you know? He's a perfectly nice guy.
Words that have never preceded sex.
The problem with him is I don't know what the problem with him is.
You find something wrong with every guy that you go out with.
- Not true.
- Of course it is.
Charlie stared at you too romantically, right? It made you all nauseous.
And then there was Jonathan with those massages.
Yeah, well, his hands were cold and slimy.
I mean, it was like when I touched the eel at the aquarium, but at least the eel had a little electricity.
And then there was that other guy you went out with.
- What was his name again? - Sasha.
Yeah, Sasha.
What was wrong with him? Uh, his name was Sasha.
All right, fine, I'll give you that one.
I tell you, you really do find the flaws in everyone though.
I'm glad you're not going out with me.
God knows what you'd find wrong.
Oh, do you want the full list, the top 10, or just the bullet points? - You have a list? - Do I have a list? All right, let's see.
For starters, your arms-- yeah, they're way too big.
And, oh, you always have an answer for everything.
- That's only because-- - Eh eh eh eh eh.
You don't have to swagger into every woman's life with your tool belt and hammer away at her problem.
First of all, I don't hammer away; I fix.
- Oh, what if we don't need fixing? - Ah, wouldn't that be great? Oh oh oh oh! There it goes.
Adios, Fletcher.
Well, I just don't think-- Look, he's not the future Mr.
Mel Burke.
And there's your problem.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
So do you have a crush on Kirsten Cullen? - What? No.
- But you like her.
I don't know.
I mean, I stare at her a lot and I think about her at night and all other times.
But, look, it doesn't matter because she doesn't know I exist.
Ah, the power of loser thinking.
Listen, Kirsten only hangs out with hipsters, and that's so not you.
I'm cool inside.
No you're not.
You're socially invisible.
I mean, look at you.
Why do you wear these things? They're in my drawer.
They're in your drawer because even the clothes know they're not cool and they're trying to hide.
Oh my God, you need so much help.
Come on, let's fix you.
I'm not that bad.
Okay, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
- But I'm-- - Admit it.
Fine.
My name is Ryder and I'm not hip.
Help me, please.
Okay, first lesson-- hipsters don't say "hip.
" Aunt Mel, look at you.
I'm turning the knob to "sizzling" and going out with my girls.
Wow, Burke, all this for a man you're about to dump.
It's kind of cruel.
Okay, this is not for Fletcher, whose flaw I figured out, by the way.
- He just doesn't get you? - Yeah.
- It's like when I say something-- - He never volleys back.
- Yeah, I have to wait forever.
- Then he just leaves you hanging.
- Like meat on a hook.
- By the way, tri-tip tomorrow night.
Then where are you going looking all like this? Some of my college girlfriends threw together a last-minute "Sex and the City of Toledo" night.
So I'm going to get my Cosmo on.
- Well, don't drink too much.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
All right, so the meeting of the Foxy Five will now come to order and I will read the minutes from the last meeting.
"Whoo-hoo.
" - I move the minutes are approved.
- I second.
Whoo-hoo! All right, so updates all around the table.
- Kelly? - Mr.
Jameson just got a huge promotion so Mrs.
Jameson gets a new kitchen.
Oh, that you'll never go into.
Alright, You're up, Lauren.
Ted and I are almost done planning the wedding-- berkshires, snow, tons of alcohol, and the cutest ski hats with our wedding date embroidered on the pompom.
You all better be there.
Can we wear the peach taffeta bridesmaids' dresses from Kelly's wedding? Oh, it'd be a shame not to see those again.
Some of us won't fit in them anymore.
You're knocked up again? Sorry, blessed with child? I'm not drinking the ginger ale 'cause I like it.
All whoo! Well, Jackie, you're awfully quiet.
Uh, 'cause I got nothing.
Same old, same old.
You and me both, sister.
Here's to the same old.
Oh, you know what? Wait, there is one thing.
- Bling! - Oh my God! Oh yay.
Hallelujah.
The last of the foxy five to get married.
Hey hello? What about me? Oh my God, that's right, you're still not married.
You're kind of married.
You're Toledo's wife.
No no, I am to Toledo what Carrie Bradshaw was to New York-- We're lovers.
- To Jackie and Steve.
- Steve? The chiropractor? Mr.
"not worth waxing for"? I know it sounds like I settled.
It's okay.
Passable-- it's the new perfect.
Come on, we are on the wrong side of 30.
I just sort of felt it was time to get real.
I mean, the music stopped and I just sat down at the nearest chair.
Good for you.
And while you're all off being married and popping out adorable kids that will one day give you the finger-- trust me, I've seen it-- I will be your cool single friend.
And you'll all be wildly jealous of my freedom and lack of stretch marks.
So let's drink to that.
Whoo-hoo! Anybody? I'm home.
Oh good.
Hey, here are the latest roses from Fletcher And a trash can at the ready.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
- These are beautiful.
- Yeah.
So dump 'em? Actually no, I want to keep 'em.
I'm sorry, did you hear? I said that they're from Fletcher.
Yeah, I heard you.
Blonde not deaf.
We're still talking about Fletcher McKay here, right? Laugh-a-minute Fletcher? Yeah, look, Joe, I was thinking a lot about what you said, you know, about me pushing men away and finding flaws.
And yeah, I think you're right.
You know, nobody's perfect and I think I'm gonna give Fletcher a try.
Because sooner or later, the music stops and you gotta sit down.
This music you're talking about, does anybody else hear it? Is it like a polka? Hey, where the heck is Ryder? I called him 10 minutes ago.
It's his turn to set the table tonight.
He's coming, he's coming.
Sorry, Joe, I'm so hip I can't feel my legs.
Wow, those are some-- some tight pants, bro.
Are all your parts okay? I don't know.
I can't feel those either.
You'd better get used to those pants if you're wearing them to school tomorrow.
- Isn't there another way? - Yeah, why don't you just wear something from your invisible loser collection and see how that goes? You look good.
Suck it up.
Believe me, everything possible is sucked up.
- So who's the girl? - How do you know there's a girl? There's got to be a girl.
Nobody's gonna squash his grapes for the guys.
C'mon, let's walk you around the block and get you used to it.
- I can't do it.
- Think of Kirsten.
Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten.
It's not working.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Wow, nice jeans.
I have the same ones.
I'll bet in the same size.
Can I help you with something? - I'm waiting for Mel.
- Oh.
She'll be down in a minute.
Something about her shoes, and then I stopped listening.
Beautiful flowers.
What are they doing back here? They should be on display.
Ooh, I was right.
They're from Fletcher.
Boy, back from the dead, huh? Who saw that coming? - Yeah, what happened there? - Who says something happened? Things get raised from the dead all the time.
Stephanie, a couple of days ago she was about ready to dump him.
Now she's sniffing his flowers.
Between those two points in time is something that you know.
Uh um, I'm gonna go help Mel with her shoes.
- Coming, Mel.
- Stephanie.
Um, are you doing something different with your hair? Uh, maybe I washed it.
It's-- it's this shampoo.
It's got Essence of coconut in it.
It's really just not fair.
All the foxy five are coupled up except for Mel and she's totally wigging out.
She doesn't want to be the only single foxy.
I'm so weak.
Do you have any orange juice? Sorry I had to do that to you, Steph.
Don't be.
Being sniffed by you is the highlight of my week.
What do you say to lunch? Well hello, lunch.
How you doin'? I'm sorry.
Backspace backspace.
I'd be delighted to have lunch.
Oh, but before we go, look what I got for us-- Tickets to see Ricky Gervais live Friday night, the Toledo opera house, the founder's box.
We'll be like those old men in "The Muppets.
" Ricky Gervais, yeah, he's that guy from the-- and he was in that-- wait, who's Ricky Gervais again? He's the funny comedian.
And I'd love to go but I'm driving to Chicago for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.
- Rain check? - Yeah.
I mean, who needs to see the funniest guy on the planet? It's not like he's the funniest guy in the universe.
Because, you know, those comedy clubs on Mars, you can hear the laughs on Jupiter.
I love how you talk.
I have no idea what you're saying, but I enjoy your melody.
Maybe that's what Mel is short for.
Get it? Ah.
I'm so much funnier around you.
Really? Um, you know, Chicago-- that's a long trip to take all by yourself.
Maybe you need someone to come with you, you know? Someone to keep you company; Someone cute and fun who makes you laugh.
- Me, Fletcher.
Me.
- Oh good.
I thought you were talking about that Ricky Gervais guy again.
Really? You'd come with me? Well, now that you ask, yeah.
Yeah I would.
Oh, this is amazing.
Wow, this is kind of a big step for us.
You meeting my entire family in one fell swoop? Yeah well, I am ready for that swoop.
You sure it's not too much too soon? No.
No, it's good.
Yeah, I have no second thoughts at all-- at all! Ryder, Lennox, school right now! - Oh hey, good morning.
- Actually fantastic morning.
Would you be okay with watching the kids for the weekend? I was thinking about going away on a trip.
I have a date planned somewhere in there.
But yeah, sure.
Why not? I guess leaving the kids home alone for a few hours unattended will be okay.
So yeah, run like the wind.
You and the ladies have a foxy weekend.
Oh, I'm not going with the foxies.
No, this is a going-away- with-Fletcher weekend to Chicago for his parents' 40th anniversary wingding-thing.
Wow, the whole family? That sounds serious.
It's not that serious.
I mean, judging from Fletcher and the history of genetics, that sounds serious-- As in, you know, not a lot of laughs.
No, he's getting funnier, okay? The other day he made sort of a joke.
It was actually kind of sweet.
He said my name, Mel, and that it was probably short for melody.
That is hilarious.
So seriously, what the heck is going on here? What do you mean, what the heck's going on here? I know you hate when I say things about your personal life-- Yeah, but you say them anyway.
Because they're valuable and at the end of the day - you appreciate them.
- Oh, is that what you tell yourself? Sorry we're late.
Sorry sorry sorry.
Uh, for a girl? Yeah, for a girl.
Joe, shouldn't we be getting to school? What are you, the vice principal? We'll leave when we leave.
- But you said-- - Two minutes.
Okay.
Hey, Ryder, you need any money for lunch? No, nothing could fit in my pockets.
Hey, I'm not done with you.
I didn't think you were.
You are pretending to like Fletcher but you don't, okay? There, I said it.
We were both thinking it, but now it's out in the open.
Nobody was thinking it.
And I am not pretending to like Fletcher.
- Yes you are.
- No I'm not.
He's a wonderful guy whose charms I did not fully appreciate at first-- Oh, come on, that is such bull.
All your college friends are either married or getting married and now you're up there all alone.
There's one last marriage helicopter and it's circling and all of a sudden some boring guy reaches out and he goes "Come on, you're not getting any younger.
Just give me your hand.
" Oh, so being single is like the fall of Saigon? According to the foxy ladies.
How do you even know what we talked about anyway? I have my sources.
Okay, so you said five or six nice things to Stephanie and she spilled.
Only took two.
Look, you are settling and you know it.
I am not settling, okay? I am reconsidering based on current options.
- Settling.
- Am not.
- Are too.
- No I'm not.
- I'm going with Fletcher.
- Have a nice weekend.
Fine, I will.
Oh, and here.
Two tickets to Ricky Gervais.
Oh, the funniest guy on the planet.
Yeah, I know.
Enjoy.
Are we going to school? Will you get a life? Well, I am all ready for our big weekend with your parents.
What weekend? Huh huh? Had you going there.
- I'm on a roll, right? - Yeah, you are a pistol.
All right, so just don't do that again, 'cause you might hurt yourself.
Okay.
All right, so I will see you Sunday.
- Have a good time.
- Thanks.
So Bye.
Bye.
All right, let's hit the road, Jack.
- I'm Fletcher.
- Yeah, I know, honey.
Kirsten.
Come in, come in.
So your brother left these in class today.
Actually he dropped them and ran when I said hi.
But, you know, I figured Ryder might need them for homework.
Okay? Wait.
You know my brother's name? Yeah.
We share a table in earth science.
We actually made a fake fossil together.
Oh, yeah, he sleeps with that thing.
I mean-- He keeps it on his nightstand.
So is he okay? I mean, he's been acting so strange this week - and dressing so-- - Weird? - Yeah.
- Listen, about Ryder-- would you ever consider, you know, hanging out? Sure, if he just dropped this thing he's doing, you know, with the clothes.
He's having some trouble walking.
I think he has, like, a hip injury.
Hey, Lennox-- oh my God.
You're here in my house and I'm-- I'm gonna go change into my real clothes.
Stop.
Go back to loser.
She likes it.
Really? So no more skinny jeans? Nope.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Problem solved.
It's like watching puppies.
Denise, hey, it's Joe.
Yeah, I was just calling to make sure that we're still on for 8:00 tonight.
Yeah.
All right, perfect.
I'll see you then.
Oh, and guess what? I got us two tickets to see Ricky Gervais.
Huh? Gervais.
He-- he's a comedian.
Yeah, I'm sure, Denise.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
All right, well, yeah okay, then I'll be there at 8:00.
All right.
Google him, all right? Bye-bye.
I think she's related to Fletcher.
Kirsten's out there.
Long story short, I'm making them popcorn.
Freshmen are so cute and random.
Longo.
Hey, Mel.
I didn't expect to hear from you.
What? Yes.
I'm on my way.
Uh, I'll be right back, okay? So make sure you finish your chemistry homework and don't burn the place down.
And if you think of something wild and crazy to do, just don't do it.
Mel? He left you in a rest stop in the middle of nowhere? What kind of a guy leaves a woman in a place like this? Joe, calm down, okay? Thank you for coming, but you don't have to-- No, I want to wring his little scrawny lawyer neck out.
- How could a guy do this to you? - Joe, I did this to me.
You-- wait a minute.
Is this one of those moments where I'm getting a little hot-headed and homicidal for no reason? Yep.
So how did we end up in In that guy's living room? Well, were about an hour into the trip and I just imagined me and Fletcher 10 years from now in the same car with three kids in the back seat - and I just-- - Panicked? Yeah, what's a stronger word than that? Uh, mentally hurled? Yeah.
I mean, that's two words, but you get the idea.
We stopped for gas and Fletcher went inside to pay and I just-- I jumped out of the car.
I left my cell phone and my bags and I just started walking-- Okay, running.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I mean, he seemed like he was okay.
He was.
He was massively okay.
And together we were perfectly okay.
I just want more than okay, you know? - Hey.
- Fletcher.
I've been driving all around looking for you.
That's so sweet.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Fletcher, I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have run off like that, but I just had to because-- It's all right, as long as you're safe and all.
- I guess it just wasn't the right-- - Timing? Yeah, the right timing.
Well I guess I should get back on the road.
Sure.
Thanks for bringing my bags.
Hey, Joe? - Take care of her.
- You got it.
Well, I'm sorry the weekend didn't pan out as planned.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry you missed your date.
That's okay.
She was kind of-- it's fine.
Yeah, but what really sucks is we both missed Ricky Gervais.
I bet if we haul our ass back to town, we could catch the last half hour of the show.
- Yeah, but I'm starving.
- Me too.
I got an idea.
Why don't we do a quick dinner and then we can see the rest of the show? All right? 'Cause I know this restaurant nearby here that is awesome.
Oh, I don't really like anything in there.
Oh, come on.
They got egg salad.
All right, fine, egg salad.
I mean, for a sandwich I can settle.
Hey.
What is this thing, jammed? Come on.
Yo! - What-- what are you-- - Come on, Longo, move it.
Wait wait wait, wait a minute.
Uh, here.
- Boy scout.
- Come on, go go go go! How could I have known he was already married? Like-- like was married and got divorced already, married? No, like married with another wife, married.
- Ooh.
More wine? - Yeah.
Hello, ladies.
I'm gonna run to the store.
You need anything? More wine-- lots more wine.
Oh, who's this? - Oh, nobody-- Joe.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Jackie.
'Sup? Oh, Jackie.
You're the one that just got engaged.
How's your fiance? Already married.
Yeah, but I'm cool.
You want me to come to the store with you? - Uh - No no no, sweetie, you stay here, okay? You go-- run.
Run for your life.
You'd kill him, sweetie.