Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e20 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! Oh, Friday night? Oh, I can't, Sally, it's my birthday.
Oh, thanks.
No, I'm already spending it with somebody.
Yes, it's somebody pretty special.
Okay, good.
All right, I'll talk to you soon.
Bye.
Hi.
You're spending your birthday with somebody special? Yeah Let me guess.
Menachem Begin? No.
Jimmy Carter.
No.
Frank Zappa.
No.
Pope John Paul.
No.
I'm planning on spending my birthday with you.
Oh, heavy sigh.
Another lonely night again for the Pope polishing those little red shoes.
Mork, we'll go someplace really nice for dinner.
We'll laugh and celebrate and have a really good time.
How's that sound? Rotten.
Rotten? Why? Don't you want to be with me on my birthday? Oh, positively, but, see, something happened last night that's going to affect the rest of my life, if I live that long.
What? Oh, last night when I was sleeping I had little talking pictures in my head.
Oh, you mean you had a dream? Oh, I know it wasn't a movie 'cause when I woke up, there was no gum under my seat.
I don't know if it was a dream or not.
All I know is it was terrifying, and you were in it, too.
Me? What did I do? Don't play dumb! We started off first by going to this human car-wash and being covered in Shake and Bake.
And the entire cast of The Untouchables was there, too.
And then we ended up in this big hot tub where we played "Connect the Dot" with each other's freckles and bobbed for wet things.
And then, suddenly, you were in another man's arms! Exit grief, enter rage! And as he turned around horror! It was me! And I started carrying on like I wasn't even there.
How could I do this to me? Good old grief, then jealousy! I started slapping myself around, hitting myself all over the place.
And there was a little man in the background going "Don't worry, it'll be cute.
Don't worry.
" And then, as I started fighting and fighting among myself, fighting among myself, you said, "That's all right, stop! Stop, I'll choose between you!" Mindy, my whole emotional life is passing before me.
Mork, don't worry.
All you had was a bad dream.
People have them all the time.
Mindy, don't you understand? See, Orkans don't have dreams.
We cut them off bleems ago when we cut off our emotions.
Mork, you claim that Orkans have no emotions, and yet you show them all the time.
Watch your mouth! You do, face it.
You're right.
Sometimes I do get an occasional pleasure out of flashing them in the raincoat of my mind.
But now it's different.
They've crept into my subconscious, and they Well, last night they snuck out and they had a good old time.
They used me.
Oh, I feel so cheap and dirty.
They'll probably never even call me in the city.
But, Mork, showing emotions is healthy.
Really? Yeah.
But Mindy, that's a no-no no-no for a nanu-nanu.
Mindy, I've made a decision, and I don't think you're going to like it very much.
What is it? Well, I've got to stop this before they take me completely over, so I've got this little door in the back of my mind, I'm going to round up all my emotions, put them behind that door, lock it, and hide the key in my foot.
Are you saying that you won't feel anything anymore? Right on.
Strike up the bland.
Good-bye, Mindy, I'm closing off my emotions forever.
( makes humming sound ) Wait a minute, Mork! Don't! You can't do this to yourself.
Mindy, don't you understand? These emotions have been locked up for thousands and thousands of bleems.
If they get out, they'll be dangerous.
You don't know what'll happen.
Talk about your sailors on leave.
Mork, if you study human beings, you'll find out that we can't get along without emotions.
Oh, I've studied them.
World War I, World War II, Watergate.
Well, then study them closer at work.
I mean, people can't get along without emotions.
I mean, after all, it's what sets us apart from the animals.
But, you see, on Ork only animals have emotions.
And that's the way it should be, according to Prime Minister Fluffy.
CORA: What's the matter, Eugene? My pet lizard Herbie died.
Yeah, that is too bad.
I don't what happened to him.
Maybe he ate a rancid fly.
I'm really feeling down.
Well, maybe it would help if you cried.
No way.
My dad says big boys never cry.
Oh, interesting; not showing emotion.
Come along, Eugene.
He does cry.
I've seen him.
Recently? No, not recently.
Aha! Hi, toots.
Hi.
Uh, what can I do for you? Caress me with your eyes.
Say, uh, have you got any disco records? Yes, we do, right over here.
This is the disco section.
I love to hear my chains rattle.
Say have you got Night Fever by the GeeBees? Excuse me, I have to go somewhere.
Mork, help me out.
Will you go will you go wait on that guy? Why? What's wrong? Well, he's got on this ridiculous toupee, and I'm afraid I'm going to laugh in his face, please.
Well, you're hiding your emotions.
I thought you told me laughing was good.
Laughing is good, but in this case I might hurt the guy's feelings.
Pishtosh! I'm sure he'd be glad to know his hair brings joy to the world.
Watch this.
I'll handle it.
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, hi.
Groovy.
Did you know you bring joy to the world? Yeah, it's my natural charisma.
No, no, it's that silly hair.
What are you talking about? Well, I've seen wavy hair before, but never hair waving.
Look at that! ( gasps ) Wait, wait, wait! Well, hair today, gone tomorrow.
MINDY: Mork, people really need their emotions.
It's not the same thing, anyway.
Look, Mork, I don't care what you say.
You can't shut off your emotions.
Well, you haven't convinced me that I need them.
So on behalf of my emotions, I'd just like to say good-bye, sayonara, ciao, ta-ta, catch you later, mama, and shalom.
It's been nice feeling you.
( makes whirring sound ) Wait a minute, Mork, don't! Come on, don't.
( monotone ): It's too late.
The door is locked.
My emotions are shut off forever.
And so's the Mork that I like so well.
Don't worry.
We can go on having the non-emotional equivalent of fun.
There are certain advantages.
Watch.
Didn't that hurt? You bet.
Ow, it's killing me.
So, what's the advantage of that? I can hurt myself all day without bothering other people.
Mork, that door in your head, can that ever be re-opened? Yes, but I can't do it, because what's behind there is far too dangerous.
You know something? You are really dumb.
Nice try, but insults to a man with no emotions is like hay fever to a man with no nose.
Oh, Mork, I hate you like this.
I mean, you're ruining my birthday.
Another nice attempt for an Earthling, but no match for the incredible hulking will of an Orkan.
Darn it, Mork, open that door! I hear you knocking, but you can't come in.
Mork, you were such a terrific guy the way you were.
I mean, you were so, you were so much fun to be with, and now look at you.
You're, you're unemotional, you're cold.
It feels like part of you has died.
If you think you can get to me by crying, you're wrong.
( normal voice ): Mindy, it ( monotone ): Fall back, mayday, system to be defense line "B", shore up defenses, sandbag tear ducts, think baseball, baseball.
Ah, once again I'm in control.
No problem.
I can deal with you as any other person with invitingly soft skin rosebud lips and sweet little eyes that leak cute little drops that roll gently down your cheeks.
I'm getting to you, aren't I? Not this fella.
Come on, Morky, open up the door.
Why don't you show Mindy where you tucked away all those little emotions, hmm? Mayday, mayday, mayday! All systems overload, fall back, defense line "B", prepare for assault system! You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
Never, never! The door! It's breaking, the door is Mindy, run for your life, the emotions are coming! Aha, free at last! All you emotions, follow me! ( laughing maniacally ) Mork, don't! Mindy! What are you doing? I'm not Mork.
I'm Mork's Lust.
Come on now, girlie girl.
I saw her first! Get away from her, Jealousy.
What the hell are you doing?! ( scattered mumbling ) Don't hurt him.
He has a right Okay, please, okay! Mama All of you emotions, come on! We've got a lot of catching up to do! Let's go, boys! Yeah! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, help! It just doesn't seem possible that emotions could so change a person.
Well, it's all my fault.
I kissed him, and bingo.
Well, at least, dear, you got a kiss.
When I go out with a man, it's usually just for Bingo.
Well, I guess that's what happens when you bottle up your emotions for so many years.
Oh, honey, don't blame yourself.
You were only trying to help Mork be like other human beings.
Well, excuse me! Why don't you ever sell any of this stuff?! What's wrong? Oh, Mindy, that wasn't me, that was Anger.
Oh.
Well, what happened to your other emotions? I think they're sleeping it off in my mind.
Oh, it's been a hard day's night, I can't tell you.
I'd lock them all up behind there except Anger's standing guard.
Yeah, and I'm a big boy, too! And don't mess with me! Oh, get off! It's okay now.
See? Where have you been? Don't ask.
I've done things that would embarrass Idi Amin.
Like what? Well, we started off by going to the waterfront.
Wait a minute.
There's no waterfront in Colorado.
Who says we stayed in Colorado? Here's some shells.
We started off by going to this really cheap dive called The Ballpark.
Fear didn't want to go in, but Disgust called him a sissy.
And Excitement was so titillated by that he went to the bar and ordered ten beers, one for each finger.
Guilt felt so bad about that he yanked us in the alley.
Whimsy said it must be named Mohammed.
Shut up! Let me finish the story! Suddenly, we were surrounded by a vicious motorcycle gang.
There were 12 of us against 42 of them.
Anger is still spitting leather.
Mork, whatever happened to the positive emotions like Love? Oh, yes.
I don't know what I said to that girl on the street corner.
All I remember is that she sold her car and gave all the money to me.
Well, at least you seem all right now.
Yeah, but that's just for the moment.
Who knows when they'll come out again, anytime Yeah! See? I can't go to your birthday party, Mindy.
It'll ruin the birthday for you.
Oh, Mork, the only thing that would ruin my birthday is if you're not there.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm a heck of a guy.
What's that? Oh, Grandma made me this for my birthday.
Isn't it nice? Yeah, I knitted it myself.
It took me five weeks.
Five weeks? Hah! What did you use for knitting needles, crowbars? Uh, I think my emotions are waking up again.
I noticed.
Unfortunately, they're coming out at the wrong times, aren't they? Yeah, I think they're trying to get out and teach me a lesson and show me who's boss.
( laughs crazily ) Not now! It's okay.
See? I hope I don't embarrass you tonight.
Oh, Mork, I got you into this, and we're going to work this out together, okay? Don't worry.
Oh, thanks.
That felt real nice.
Now see? See how nice emotions can be when they start behaving themselves? Yes, that was fantastic.
That was terrific Come on, mama, lay another wet one on me! Come on! Good evening.
Good evening.
May I, uh, help you? Yes, we have reservations for two under the name of McConnell for 8:00.
Very well, I'll just check my list.
( clears throat ) There must be some mistake, there's no McConnell anywhere on this list.
But I made the reservations two days ago.
Tonight's my birthday, it's a special occasion.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, you'll just have to try us on another special occasion.
( shouting ): Maybe you didn't hear the girl! How about you gettin' her a table right now or I'll tear off your lips, paste them to your eyes, so you can see what you're going to say, how about that, Huh? Get us a table right now! Haul it, haul it now! Uh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
I'll, uh Here we are, sir.
Uh, this one just became available.
This is nice, but it's awfully close to the kitchen.
Well, it guarantees your food will arrive piping hot.
I just can't sit next to the kitchen with all that, that clattering and gibberish and foreign tongues.
I mean, oy vey, Maria, this is ridiculous.
And if I sit by this tacky swinging door and catch a disease, I'll sue you silly, I will.
Oh, my God, I'm hypoglycemic.
Here I go.
Uh, uh, right this way, please.
Here we are, this is uh, Chez Michel's finest table.
Oh, it's wonderful.
It's more than that, it's delightful, it's de-lovely, it's delicious.
Thank you, thank you.
This is fantastic! Thank you, thank you! Oh, sell my clothes, I'm going to heaven.
And we hope you have a safe and speedy trip.
( clears throat ) Nanu-nanu.
I didn't know my emotions could work so well for me.
Well, yeah, they're real nice, Mork, but I still think they're coming out a little too strong.
Oh, but if it wasn't for them, we'd be celebrating your birthday at Biffy Burger.
Bon soir, Mademoiselle, Monsieur.
Might I recommend the chateaubriand with sauce Michel and carrots glace.
And to begin, salad endive with dressing Polonaise.
Ooh, that sounds terrific.
Very well, Mademoiselle.
Oh, by the way, do you have Thousand Island dressing? It's my favorite.
I'm so sorry, we do not carry Thousand Island dressing.
Oh, that's too bad, No Thousand Island dressing? Oh, please, those are her favorite little islands.
Oh, this is terrible, Mindy.
Oh, Mindy, I-I can't go on! Mindy, I can't go on! It's terrible.
Please, please, please.
Tell him I'll get some from the 7-Eleven.
And if you need anything else, my name is, Butch.
Hang in there, Mork, you're doing okay.
Well, I owe it all to you, Mindy.
Thank you.
Ooh, will you look over there? Look at that lobster! Doesn't that look fabulous? Oh, now I wish I'd ordered that.
( with Milquetoast voice ): Yeah, me, too.
I wish we could have things like that.
I never have anything any good.
( with assertive voice ): Yeah, because you're so damn wimpy, that's why! Why don't you get it for me? All right, I'll get it for you! Come on, we got to change this world No problem.
Excuse me! You've been on top long enough! Give me that, you bourgeoisie pigs! Give me that here! You won't need that thing.
Oh, look, what a way to end a honeymoon.
Poor little creatures.
Mork, I'm worried about you.
Unless you get these emotions under control, you're going to be scooped up by a net.
Well, Frankie Avalon didn't mind in all those movies where he was scooped up by Annette.
( honking bark ) You know, it puzzles me I don't understand why you continue to view your emotions as if they're alien creatures.
They're a part of you, you know.
Haven't you ever just thought about sitting down and talking to them? They wouldn't talk to me.
Well, do you think they'd talk to me? Call them out and let me try.
Oh, you're a brave woman.
Are you sure? All right.
Yoo-hoo, anybody home? Olly, olly Freud's in free.
First one home is an archetype.
( gruff Southern accent ): Yeah, what do you want? Now, I'm not going to know who you are unless you identify yourselves.
Anger, here, fly brain! Mork just wants to try and get along with all of you better.
Why don't you just tell Mork to ( blows raspberry ) Now, I don't know how things got the way they-they are on Ork, but here on Earth a person needs his emotions.
( Milquetoast voice ): Disappointment here.
Uh, I hate, I hate to bother you, but things, things aren't the way we thought, you know? I mean, it's not like home.
I mean, the trees are green, the birds have wings, it's bizarre.
It really ( as Peter Lorre ): Fear here.
Uh, I don't want to tell you this, but, you know, it's cold and lonely and no one likes us, and no one hears the voices like we do, and they're going to hurt us, I know they are.
Please, don't you understand me? Oh, no, nobody's going to hurt you.
Don't you understand you're free on Earth.
You can do anything you want.
Disgust here.
Now, listen, we've done our gig and you don't even like it when we do.
Listen, I'm going to blow this Popsicle stand.
Besides, who wants to live in a house that looks like Sears blew up.
Really.
I mean ( with confident voice ): Hope here.
I just want to say Thanks for the memories.
But don't you see, Mork needs to work with all of you to be a feeling person.
Yeah, Mindy's right, you guys.
How about it? I'll make you a deal.
Tell you what you don't go wild, and I won't lock you up inside my brain, okay? ANGER: Yeah, what's in it for us, pork face? All right, you said you're lonely? FEAR: Oh, yes, please, we're so lonely.
You got to do something.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
Stick along with me, and I'll introduce you to Mindy's emotions.
ANGER: All right, let's see what we're going to get out of this.
Stand up there sweet girl, let's check the noise out here.
Yeah looks like a good set of teeth.
All right we got that going.
Let's look Boy, who buys her clothes.
It's ridiculous.
Mindy, we'll be right back.
We'll get to you.
Huddle up over here now, boy! Huddle up! What do you think now? Come on now, sit down! I don't really understand why we're doing this.
Come on now, be quiet! I don't understand.
It's not working out anyway.
Shut up! Break! Well? I've got mixed emotions.
Some want to come out, and some don't.
Well, that sounds human enough.
What emotion are you feeling right now? Gratitude.
Thank you, Mindy.
Oh, I like gratitude.
Here's one from Joy.
Oh, that was fantastic! Thank you! Whoo-hoo, hoo! Here's one from Guilt, okay? It's okay.
Oh, I'm going to burn for this, I know.
One from Envy.
Oh, how come I got to kiss you on the cheek and everybody else got to kiss you on the lips? Boy.
One from Fear.
Oh, hope I didn't catch anything.
And here's one from all of us.
We I care for you very much.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
( under breath ): Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson, Mork calling Orson.
ORSON: You opened the door to your emotions, didn't you, Mork? Yes, sir.
You realize you've broken the highest Orkan law.
It is my duty to report you to the Council.
I understand.
But I don't regret what I've done, sir.
You see, for the first time in my life I feel really alive, I feel fantastic.
Oh, I wish you could try it.
I wish you could feel some of the things I've been feeling.
Impossible.
I could never do that.
They'd throw me in prison.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, Your Immenseness, but, until you can marvel at a rainbow after a storm, or rejoice at seeing a baby walk for the first time, or hold someone, and feel the same warmth inside as you feel close to them on the outside, until you can do these things aren't you already in prison? Uh, when will you report me, sir? Report you? What for? Whew! Ha! You're all right, Your Fattitude! Until next week, nanu-nanu.
I knew he had it in him.