Murphy Brown s01e20 Episode Script

Come on, people.
We can get this.
One more segment for next week's show, and then we can go home.
I think they put MSG in the sweet-and-sour shrimp.
We have two heavy segments.
I need something light.
I asked them twice.
I said, "Please don't put MSG in the sweet-and-sour shrimp.
" It's late and we're tired, but if we pull together "The generous will laugh, but the lonely will move on.
" What the hell does that mean? It's definitely MSG.
I'm getting those red bumps and that sharp pain just above my right eye.
Eldin, what are you? Oh, no.
- I forgot.
Payday.
- Ordinarily, I would never bother you at your place of business, but I need cash.
There's a big flea market in Calvert County.
I'm looking for a hood ornament off a '55 Pontiac Chief.
Or maybe a set of juice glasses.
Sit over here.
I'll go get your money.
I got no time to sit.
Felicia's outside, circling in the truck.
It's the first time she's ever driven stick.
It's such a beautiful night.
A walk around the block really helped to clear my head.
Except some strange woman in a truck almost mowed down five people in the crosswalk.
Anyway, I've got the perfect idea for next week's show.
I don't think the show is ready to follow Nancy Reagan on her first trip back to a grocery store.
Very funny, Mr.
Office-Comedian.
Just for that, I'm not going to tell you what it is.
I'm going to let you sit in your little chair, pitching and pitching until you rot.
And nothing will be as good as my idea.
- May I help you? - Hello.
- I'm Eldin.
- Yes? I love you.
Oh, how sweet.
Does security know you're here? Here you go, Eldin.
Cash on the barrelhead.
Sorry you had to come down here, especially when you got things to do.
That's no problem.
No problem at all.
As a matter of fact, now that I'm here, maybe I'll I'll hang around for a few minutes, see exactly what it is you do.
No one would have to hang around anywhere if they were interested in hearing my idea.
The perfect piece is right under your noses.
If we were playing "Hot, Hot, Cold," you'd be on fire.
Would you just say what it is, Corky? Phil's.
- What? - Phil's.
Next week is its 70th anniversary.
Why not do a story on an historic old Washington press bar? Did you think of that all by yourself? Wow.
Do you cook? You know, it might just be the MSG talking, but I like it.
We could take a crew on Monday.
Set up for half a day.
- Do background, talk to regulars.
- Put Phil in front of the camera.
- He could talk for hours.
- It wouldn't just be about a bar.
It's a piece of Americana.
I think it will work.
All right! The Corkster! She pulled through! - Told you.
- Hey, that's it.
Day's over.
We're out of here.
So I guess you're the straw that stirs the drink around here, huh? Murphy? Aren't you going to show your friend out? Come on, Eldin.
You know, I've never been the marrying kind but people can change.
Okay.
Looks like we're just about ready to roll.
First, Corky will introduce the piece.
I'll say a few words about the bar, then turn it over to you, Phil.
- Now, we want some good old stories.
- Got them.
Stories with the color and flavor of Washington.
- Stories with bite and charm.
- Crank it up, Miles.
I can't suck in this gut forever.
Let's do it.
Ned, roll tape! We're speeding.
"It may look like just an ordinary bar and grill the kind you'd find in Anytown, U.
S.
A.
But this isn't any town.
This is Washington, D.
C.
And this isn't an ordinary bar.
It's Phil's flip card.
" - Cut.
- It's not my fault.
If they write "flip card" on the card, I'm going to say "flip card.
" - I told them not to do that.
- Okay, okay.
It's not a problem.
Just take it back from the top, okay? Try to get it right this time.
We're fighting the clock.
Roll! Speeding.
"It may look like just an ordinary bar and grill the kind you'd find in Anytown, U.
S.
A.
But this isn't any town.
This is Washington, D.
C.
And this isn't an ordinary bar.
It's Phil's.
As the grand old watering hole prepares to celebrate its 70th birthday we caught up with the man who's stood behind this bar since Harry Truman was president.
" Phil, your father founded this bar in 1919.
How does it feel to be carrying on the tradition? What? How does it feel to be celebrating the bar's 70th birthday? - What do you mean? - Cut! You said all I had to do was stand back here and tell stories.
You didn't say anything about "how do you feel" questions.
- I can't work like this.
- Come on, people.
Let's just take a deep breath.
We're not inventing the wheel here.
So loosen up.
Relax.
Have fun.
That's what it's all about, right? Corky, wanna take it from your next question? - Ned.
- We have speed.
Phil, standing behind this bar, you must have seen and heard it all.
What's your most unforgettable moment? Well, I'll tell you.
Could be the time Dwight Eisenhower reenacted the Normandy Invasion using beer nuts and Cheez-lts.
Or maybe it was the time Bob Woodward Iocked himself in the men's room with no paper.
I wouldn't give him any until he told me who Deep Throat was.
But if you're looking for favorites I guess my own personal choice would be the first time I met Murphy Brown.
Hey there.
Welcome to Phil's.
God, is it always so hot in Washington? Only most of June, all of July and August, first part of September.
It breaks around the 15th, then we get a nice Indian summer.
- What can I get you? - Scotch, rocks, with a twist.
On second thought, make it a double.
This is a dark day.
- Oh, how so? - Didn't you hear? Elvis Presley died.
I heard about it coming in from the airport.
Unbelievable.
Five minutes later, I turn the dial and there's Shaun Cassidy singing "Da Doo Ron Ron.
" I almost hit an abutment.
Got an ashtray? So, what brings you to Washington? A job.
Maybe.
I got an audition across the street.
- Oh, yeah? What for? - A new magazine show, FYI.
Oh, right, I heard about that.
It's gonna be live.
Jim Dial's gonna anchor.
They're looking for two co-anchors with good, solid field experience.
Considering a woman for one of the slots but it's gonna be an uphill battle at the network.
- How do you know all that? - I'm Phil.
Who played in the 1948 World Series? Cleveland beat the Braves, four games to two.
How many electoral votes in the state of Kansas? Seven.
How many miles between New York and Bangkok? Depends.
You flying into La Guardia or Kennedy? You know, you look familiar.
I've seen you on the evening news a few times.
I'm a foreign correspondent.
Which means I know how to chant "Jimmy Carter is the devil" in 27 languages.
- Welcome to Phil's.
- Man.
- I thought it was hot in New York.
- It gets hot here most of June, all of July and August, first part of September.
- It breaks around the 15th - Then we get a nice Indian summer.
What can I get you? Just a club soda.
I've got an audition.
- Me too.
Hit me again, Phil.
- Coming right up.
Hi.
Don't I know you? Let me get this out of the way right up front.
Just because I said something to you doesn't mean I'm looking to get picked up.
It's in my nature to talk to people.
So let's not assign any subtext to whatever conversation might come up in the next few minutes.
That's all I wanted to say.
Break out the Midol.
Look I'm gonna try this one more time.
Frank Fontana.
Murphy Brown.
So you're going up for one of these spots on FYI, huh? - Right.
You too? - Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it.
I've never been on camera before.
- No kidding.
What's your background? - I'm a reporter for The New York Times.
Wait a minute.
Frank Fontana.
Did you write that piece on the Mafia last year? - That's right, I did.
- The one that got all the press? - You were nominated for a Pulitzer.
- That's me.
I didn't like the piece.
I found it very egocentric.
Now, you see what you did? I have known you five minutes already I don't like you.
I mean, it's very possible we could both land this job today.
We're both away from home.
We've got no one to celebrate with.
Maybe we could have celebrated together.
A nice restaurant, a bottle of champagne.
Now it's ruined.
- You are trying to pick me up.
- Of course I'm trying to pick you up.
It's a spontaneous thing that guys do.
It's a primal urge, like how we invented fire.
It doesn't necessarily have to mean anything.
Don't waste your time, okay? Go try it in a disco.
I've never been to a disco.
Come on, you got Bee Gees written all over you.
- I hate the Bee Gees.
- Admit it, you took hustle lessons.
And what do you listen to? KC and the Sunshine Band, am I right? Get out of here.
I don't own a record made past 1968.
Oh, yeah? Okay, you pass.
Elvis is dead.
Yeah.
- So, what time is your audition? - Ten minutes.
You better get over there.
You're not leaving time to change.
What's wrong with the way I'm dressed? Nothing, if Bozo owns the network.
Listen, this is the way I dress.
This is me.
I don't worry about hair and lip gloss.
I'm a serious reporter, not a Barbie doll.
Calling them like I see them.
Could I have the check? - Mine too.
- Coming right up.
Put it on one.
I'll take care of it.
Forget it.
It's the '70s, my friend.
I'll pay my share.
In fact, I'll pay your share too.
You hear that? She's trying to pick me up.
I've got a witness.
Forget it, forget it.
I'll just pay my half.
Half? Who taught you math, Bert Lance? Will somebody just give me the money? Well, I gotta go.
- It was interesting meeting you.
- Right.
- You walking? I'll walk with you.
- Why? - What do you mean? - You're trying to pick me up.
- I'm not.
You're not my type.
- What's that mean? - Why do you care? - What do you mean, why do I care? Hey there, welcome to Phil's.
How many in your party? Two.
We don't have a reservation.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We're overbooked.
I can give you a table a week from Wednesday.
But we're from out of town.
We saw this place on television the other night and if I don't get to eat here, I'll die.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
It's gonna be a two-hour wait, though.
You can kill some time browsing through our gift shop.
I'm holding a special on commemorative plates.
Donner, party of four.
Donner.
Folks, your table Folks, your table Your table will be ready shortly.
The little ladies' room is just around to the left.
Please keep clear of the aisles, and no pictures.
No pictures, please.
Thank you for your cooperation.
It's a zoo in here.
You're telling me.
Ever since you put me on TV, the place has been jammed.
People coming in here all day and all night.
I'm telling you, I go to bed so tired, I can't even satisfy Phyllis anymore.
Could you just give us a table? We got a meeting at 1:30.
We have to get back.
Give you a table? What do I look like, a genie? I told you, Miles, you have to make a reservation.
Hey, will you look at that? There's someone sitting at our table.
Can you believe that? What a nerve.
Are you going to sit there all day, nursing that sandwich? What do you think this is, a library? Come on, speed it up.
There's people waiting.
Hey, stranger.
Linda Ellerbee.
- God, it's been a long time.
- Too long.
What are you doing here? Are you kidding? It's Phil's 70th anniversary.
I wouldn't want to miss out on a commemorative plate.
It's a shame that two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time couldn't sit down at a table and have a private talk.
- Hey, here's a table! - Beat it.
This is really great.
I think about you a lot.
I keep meaning to call, but the time just goes.
Tell me about it.
Boy, this place takes me back.
I think the first time I was here was the summer of '77.
- You really wanted that job.
- I did not.
I didn't care at all.
You flew in all the way from Zaire.
- I had a date.
- That's not the way I remember it.
The United States government, troubled by the number of illegal immigrants from Mexico, had plans to build a fence along the busiest parts of the Mexican-American border.
It had come to be known as the Tortilla Curtain.
- I don ' t know how you can be so calm.
- I ' m calm because I don ' t care.
If I get the job, fine.
If I don ' t, that's fine too.
Great, because your competition looks pretty good.
Linda Ellerbee? Give me a break.
Will you look at her? Teased, sprayed and glossed within an inch of her life.
She looks likes one of Charlie's Angels.
And she calls herself a journalist.
- I thought you didn't care.
- I don't.
I'm just saying I can do better.
See, Ellerbee doesn't personalize her material.
Now, I've come up with a signature sign-off at the end of my commentary.
Along the lines of Walter Cronkite's, "And that's the way it is.
" That way, whenever people hear it, they'll always identify it with me.
And so it goes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
She stole that from me.
She sat behind me on the plane.
She pretended to stretch so she could look at my notes.
The woman's a thief! Oh, you must be Murphy Brown.
Arvin Johns, executive producer of FYI.
I invented, "And so it goes.
" - Well, this is Jim Dial, our senior anchor.
- A pleasure to meet you.
You wanna give it a shot, eh? We've been following you the last couple of years.
- You're pretty good.
- The work you've done has not gone unnoticed.
Arvin and I both think you have potential.
Let's see what you can do.
Somebody take her backstage to change and do her hair and makeup.
- What? Oh, no, I'm fine.
This is me.
This is how I'm most comfortable.
It's an anchor position.
There are standards.
Well, maybe it's time to change those standards.
Do we all have to be blown dry before we're allowed to give America the news? Yes.
You can do your audition in a grass skirt and a coconut bra for all I care.
If this is the image you wanna project, go to it.
I'll take my chances.
Sweetie? Sweetie? Come on.
Come on, you're gonna get lost.
This is what I wanna do when I grow up.
How many times do I have to tell you? You're gonna be a cardiologist like your uncle Stuart.
Murphy Brown audition, take one.
There are many who think that justice is no longer blind.
That in fact she's moved into a whole new tax bracket and wouldn't be caught dead without her American Express card.
But the Supreme Court sent a different message to America last month when it rejected the appeals of Watergate stars John Mitchell H.
R.
Haldeman and John Erlichman.
The decision to I'm sorry, can we stop for a minute? I know I wrote this, but it just doesn't feel right.
See, it's not what I do best.
I talk to people.
I ask them questions.
Can I show you what I mean? What's going on here? Don't ask questions, just answer them, okay? Sit down.
You are crazy, you know that? Okay, you can roll tape again.
Murphy Brown audition, take two.
On any given day, you can open a newspaper and find hundreds of stories.
We often take the existence of a free press for granted but there are people behind those stories.
Writers who often risk their reputations and sometimes their lives to get at the truth.
Frank Fontana, welcome to FYI.
Thank you.
As an investigative reporter, you must've had moments when you asked yourself, "Is it worth it?" Oh, yeah.
There have been plenty of those.
- Tell me about one of them.
- Besides now? Okay.
Well, just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in the backseat of a patrol car.
- This was in New York? - That's right.
It was the midnight shift, about 2 a.
m.
This Son of Sam character had brought the entire city to its knees.
The strain was really starting to show on everyone.
- What do you think? - She's rough around the edges.
I hear she's a real loose cannon too.
Somebody told me she drank Cosell under the table.
Ellerbee is the more polished and professional of the two.
Going with Murphy Brown could be a big challenge.
No, no, no.
I'm getting too old for this.
Let's go with Ellerbee.
Well, that would be the safer choice.
But there's something about this one.
Oh, sure, she's brash, outspoken She's a real pistol.
Not unlike you.
Yeah? Come on.
Even if we both thought it was a good idea we'd never get her past the network.
- Leave the network to me.
I'm an anchorman, for God's sake.
I just do the voice and scare the hell out of them.
Works every time.
You're sure about this? Because what you're saying is you are going to take responsibility for her.
You are going to control her.
Arvin this is the year I grew sideburns.
This is the year I bought colored sheets.
We've got to take some risks now and then.
Let's do it.
God, I wanted that job.
And I did not steal "And so it goes" from you.
- I stole it from Lloyd Dobbins.
- You're kidding.
Gee.
Maybe I should apologize for putting your name in the personals section of Soldier of Fortune magazine.
We're even.
I'm the one told Irving R.
Levine you had the hots for him.
Well, what goes around comes around.
Seems like we've traded places over the years.
You're happy with the way things turned out? - I wouldn't have it any other way.
- Me neither.
Although, I was thinking of going back to a regular network job.
I was thinking of taking some time off, maybe writing a book.
- No.
- No.
Phil, it's a ghost town in here.
Yeah.
They say everybody's famous for 15 minutes.
- They were right.
- What happened to the tour buses? They all went over to Chad's.
Yesterday, they had a Dan Quayle sighting in the dining room.
But what I wanna know is what am I gonna do with all these cockamamie Phil dolls? Well, what goes around comes around.
I'm thirsty, Phil.
Hit me.
Club soda, rocks, with a twist.
- I'll take a draft.
- Coming right up.
And put it on my tab.
- You're buying? Why? - Because I'm that kind of guy, Murph.
On the cutting edge, not afraid to buy a woman a drink anymore.
These are the '90s.
God, we're old.
I know.