New Girl s01e20 Episode Script
Normal
JESS: I love these parties.
I feel like I'm an ambassador or a spy.
Or a really high-class prostitute.
It's a political fundraiser.
Who's to say you can't be all three.
Hey, this is really good.
I gotta tell you, I'm really - Happy.
- Happy.
It's like the complete opposite of my marriage.
- I'll give you opposite of your marriage.
- What? Sorry, I just-- I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife and I got really nervous and I tried to flirt information out of you.
No.
So I haven't been home in a week and underneath my dress, I'm wearing a pair of your boxer briefs that I borrowed-slash-stole-slash "I'm not giving them back.
" Come on, let's go.
Go to my house right now.
Well, I have to go to my home for a bit.
No, no, come on.
Come on, stay with me.
No, I'm worried about the guys.
They must really be missing me and wondering where I am.
WlNSTON: Hey! Ahh! Ahh! - Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Lava.
Touch the lava.
- Touch the lava.
- Touch the lava, dude.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess MAN [OVER LAPTOP.]
: The worst quarterback in the league.
It would be better if he wasn't even playing.
Listening to the radio, writing with a pen? What decade are we in? I cannot listen to that guy.
Come on, Joe Napoli is the worst, man.
What? Man, that is blasphemous.
He's the king of sports radio, man.
I've got an interview with him.
He's hiring a new research assistant.
Hence, the research.
My old basketball coach set it up.
Gotta figure out how to break it to Elvin.
You gotta cut ties with that kid.
He freaks me out.
He never blinks.
He's like a tiny little owl.
In a shirt.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
JESS: I have so much to tell you.
I spent the whole week with rich people.
I finally tried port.
Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet? I feel like I haven't see you guys in so long.
- You all look so handsome, grown up.
- Thank you.
Nick, I finally notice the one-eighth Cherokee.
Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Yeah.
It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
- How was your sex-cation with Russell? - I did have a lot of sex.
- What'd you guys do without me? - Nothing.
- Just played True American.
- You played True American without me? [CELL PHONE CHlMES.]
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, sorry, it's Cece.
- Hey you.
CECE: Tell me everything.
How's it going? - Where are you? CECE: With Schmidt.
Where are you? Right here.
Wow.
- I am not used to this yet.
- I'm surprised this one is standing.
Burned through a lot of ideas last night.
- That's great.
- We went deep into the stables.
- Yeah.
Cool.
NlCK & WlNSTON: Ugh.
I don't know, it's like we're living in a romantic comedy montage, like-- We, like, throw our heads back when we laugh and I try on floppy hats for him.
You know, it's pretty perfect.
It's like the first act of a TV movie until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.
Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right? You're kind of doing everything on his terms and living in his beautiful, fancy house.
I'm not really living there.
Has he ever spent a night here? Hey, guys.
So listen, Russell is gonna come and stay this weekend.
- Ugh.
- I was wondering if you guys could be cool.
Yeah.
[lMlTATES EXPLOSlON.]
NlCK: Sure.
- Yeah.
Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you so how about we just say be normal? - Big R.
What's up, man? - Schmidt.
- Yep.
- Your shoe's untied.
Oh.
- What are you doing? - Label check, man.
Label check.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got it.
- Russell.
- Oh! - Oh, man, you scared me.
- You scared of black people? No.
- It's 2012, baby.
- I'm - Yeah, of course.
- Easy.
Quick question.
Russell is a visionary, would it be okay if I took him through my ldea Notebook? - Nope.
- I won't take him through the whole book.
- How about none of it? - I'm excited about one called Real Apps - I know Russell would be interested in.
JESS: No.
- Nick, Real Apps is my idea.
- Real Apps is not your idea.
You might have birthed the idea but I midwifed the crap out of it.
JESS: Guys.
- lt was a messy birth.
NlCK: You thought of the name.
SCHMlDT: The name is everything.
The name is the name of the game.
The game is the name.
Game is the name.
- The product is the game.
JESS: Guys.
I know you can do this.
- You sure you don't wanna swing? - No.
- Pushing is where the action is.
- Heh, heh.
Elvin, listen, buddy, I think we should talk.
You know I'm not gonna be here forever, right? I know about death, Winston.
I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go.
What? No.
It's just that I'm an adult.
Time for me to get an adult job with adult people.
You understand, right? Maybe we should get to work on your résumé because yours is terrible.
It's 2012, Winston.
Typing is not a special skill.
- And you're familiar with the show? - Yes.
Been listening for years.
- What do you think of Mr.
Napoli? - He's actually like an idol of mine.
Be honest, jackass.
Would you consider yourself an undercover cop? - Seriously.
Are you a cop? Tell me.
- No.
How far can you drag an unconscious man? - I haven't really checked-- lNTERVlEWER: Mr.
Napoli.
If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard, I'll eat you.
I know you, Winston Bishop, okay.
Subpar collegiate career, went to Latvia.
Nine percent from the European-slash-women's 3-point line.
Now you wind up in my lap.
I'm the luckiest girl in school.
Hey, I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.
Okay, first of all, I have not agreed to do it Welcome to the team, Winston.
Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.
I'm in.
I'll do it.
Um It's so nice to meet you, Mr.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- Can I sit on your shoulders? - Sure.
- Really? - No.
Oh.
You've made a wonderful decision.
I'm sure you're gonna learn a lot.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
JOE: Welcome aboard.
You can start today.
- I wanna talk to Kareem about the show.
- I wanna talk to you about jackets.
You said we were gonna get show jackets.
Russell, hey.
I can show you around.
I can show you our world.
Way up here, it's crystal clear.
- Nick, you're doing Aladdin.
- Again? - Do you like cheeses, Russell? - That's-- JESS: Nick, come on.
- It's for Russell.
So you really just call these ethnic noodles? Actually, I don't know.
The English writing on the box says: "Find water, grow hot.
Family celebrate plus.
" That guy.
- Nick, stop staring.
- I'm not-- What-- ? Schmidt's being weird too.
So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune but I hear you hari-kari'd that one.
- Well, I know the chef at Namuda.
- Oh, oh, Namuda? Maybe, "My first sushi.
" Baby wants a tempura California roll.
- Little Russell wants an avocado roll.
JESS: Schmidt.
Nick, don't eat his noodles.
- But we're bowl brothers now.
JESS: No, you're not.
- Tighten up, guys.
WlNSTON: I'll kill him.
I wanna punch him in his rich, old, white-dude face.
Not you.
Joe Napoli.
So I guess you didn't get the job? No, I got the job.
And that's the problem.
I want six shakes in my fridge at all times, ready to go.
And I want it Beyoncé colored.
Not darker, not lighter.
Beyoncé! Clean your damn desk.
Don't let him see you cry.
I wanna kill him.
Russ, I was wondering if later if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my ldea Notebook.
- Um Hold that thought.
NlCK: I will.
Because he doesn't wanna hear it.
- Those ideas are 51 percent mine.
JESS: Okay? [DlSPOSAL RUMBLlNG.]
- Oh! - I got it.
Russell, move.
- What'd I do? NlCK: You did nothing.
Don't blame yourself.
It just fights back a little bit, Russ.
Anchor me, anchor me! Anchor me, come on.
[GRUNTlNG.]
- Anchor, don't grope! SCHMlDT: Jess, get in there! - Pan! NlCK: Jess! [NlCK AND SCHMlDT SlGH.]
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
You guys, my contractor knows a really great plumber-- - I know the best plumbers.
- White guy knows a plumber.
Sorry.
Plumbing is a really sensitive topic here.
- I didn't know.
- Who would? Um Hey.
Who wants to play True American? - I'm in.
That's sounds like a great idea.
NlCK: Yeah.
So it's 50 percent drinking game, Well, it's more like 75 drinking, The floor is molten lava.
It's actually 90 percent drinking and it's got a loose Candy Land-like structure.
JESS: With stakes.
SCHMlDT: Guys, we doing teams? - Yeah.
Call it out, Schmitty.
SCMlDT: Ready? One, two, three, go.
NlCK: Two, two, four.
- I'm with Russell.
Perfect.
- Don't wanna be on my team? I copied you.
You haven't given me any information.
So it starts off, there are four zones.
An alternate zone is a crazy zone.
There's a trail of chairs, but the floor is lava.
These are the pawns, soldiers of the secret order.
This is the king of the castle.
Everything you hear in True American is a lie.
Knock on wood.
- Starts with a shotgun tip-off.
- Yeah.
Oh, that I can do.
- Shotgun.
Sure.
SCHMlDT: Yes! WlNSTON: All right.
Yeah.
NlCK: Yes.
Yeah.
There's no going back now.
One, two, three, four, JFK.
[SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
SCHMlDT: Go, go, go! - Russell, you're in the lava.
NlCK: Yo, that's my spot.
- I don't understand.
JESS: Lincoln, Washington.
NlCK & SCHMlDT: Cherry tree.
[NlCK WHlSTLES.]
All right, American, you ready? Let's do the count.
ALL: One, two, three.
- That's me! ALL: Yeah! NlCK: Russell! - Okay, remember, the ground is lava.
NlCK [CHANTlNG.]
: Russell! Russell! - Russell! SCHMlDT: Don't touch the lava.
- Yeah! SCHMlDT: All right! - All right, the big R! - Yes! The only thing we have to fear-- ALL: Is fear itself! SCHMlDT: Drink! - Yeah! - Drink.
All trash belongs: ALL: In the junkyard! Jimmy Carter on top.
Grover Cleveland.
- What now? - More beer.
More beer.
I gotta get to the castle! - Go, Nick, go.
- Russell, you're kind of ripped up.
I used to work summers in a lumber camp near Banff.
I still split my own wood.
NlCK: JFK! ALL: FDR! You're pretty good at this, oldtimer.
Oh, oh! Cece.
This is the best game of True American ever.
- I'm this close to winning.
- I'm gonna go get in your bed.
Damn.
- Yeah, I'm out.
NlCK: Schmidt, no! - No! SCHMlDT: Wait.
- Does it mean we win? - It's unofficial.
JESS: Yes, we win.
- Whoo! [ALL CHEERlNG.]
U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! - Oh, give it.
- We had you.
This is True American! RUSSELL: I'm trashed.
I am in a trash bag right now.
It's true.
- We should call it a night.
- No, hang on.
- I was saying something-- - Let me tell what you were saying.
- I remember-- - Guys, I'm really sorry.
I'm on a water break.
JESS: It's over here.
RUSSELL: He wants his water.
You were giving me advice on my boss because you are also a rich white man.
And that's okay.
Hell, yeah, I am.
Hey, I love you.
We have a big day planned tomorrow, maybe-- This is-- Hang on sec.
Let me straighten you out.
Here's what you do.
Your boss is power-playing you.
So you need to power-play him back.
- Classic.
- How do I do that? Dip your boys in his shake.
- What? RUSSELL: That's what you gotta do.
Your testicles, dip them in, wring them out, dip it again, and give him the shake.
- That's a terrible idea.
- Jess, no, no.
Hang on.
A guy thing.
Territory.
You don't know.
Guy thing.
Jess doesn't get it.
Territory thing.
- Stop copying Russell.
- I'm not.
Classic is a classic.
Just get in there, dunk your nuggets in his shake.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- We've learned a lot.
Know what would make this night really great? - Sleep.
- ldea Notebook.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever wanted to take a ride - on a magic idea? Well, strap on-- JESS: Russell - Iet's go to sleep.
- No, I'll be in in a second.
I wanna hear your idea.
What-- ? Take one more of these and this idea is gonna be better.
RUSSELL: Okay.
NlCK: Down the hatch.
RUSSELL: Okay, let's have a little bit more of that.
I'm mad at him.
And I've never been mad at him before.
Ugh.
Jess, this room is not a place of comforting, okay? This is Darwin's jungle.
Where open-minded people do weird things to each other.
Go away.
- Yeah.
- I can't fight with him.
That's our thing, we don't fight.
He used to fight with his ex-wife.
I think he likes that we're peaceful.
Fighting is good, it's healthy.
It's how you know it's working.
You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do is we like to fight with our bodies.
It's like a really intense game of capture the flag.
I won't make you guess what the flag is.
As my business partner, I appreciate you taking the time.
Russell said we need a prototype.
So, Mr.
Schmidt, I now present you Real Apps.
The phone goes here where the phone goes.
And then these are all the apps.
You've got a Zippo, you've got a fork, got a spoon.
That's a corn holder.
Also a gentleman's shiv.
It's a prototype of a prototype at best.
- Let me see it.
- Don't be mean about it.
- You got a bottle opener.
- Come on.
Look at this.
There's no brush steel, no nickel.
It's got none of the baller metals.
I mean, come on, man.
I'm not gonna Winklevossed because of your sloppiness.
What do you mean "l"? Real Apps is my idea.
You came up with the name.
Yeah, and the name is the game, friend-o.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick.
- I might.
- That's why they call it basketball - not peach-basket catch-it-up.
- You just came up with that? JOE: Hey, hey, we're back here on the Joe Napoli Show.
Wanna introduce a new member of the show family.
And that is Winston Bishop, who is our new assistant.
He's sharp as a tack.
Ladies, there's no ring on his finger.
Tell us just a little about yourself.
[lMlTATES WlNSTON.]
Thanks.
I really wanna tell you about myself.
I've been on the job two days, I don't know how to make no milkshake.
I played two years of mediocre Division I basketball.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Why? [lMlTATlNG WlNSTON.]
I didn't know basketball.
I got recruited for a girls' volleyball team.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
There he is.
That's Winston Bishop.
We'll see you again probably never.
Turning now to the NBA picture, it looks like the west-- Hangover eggs.
They'll stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you'll throw up really fast.
High risk, high reward.
Maybe I should just go back to bed? I have a nice day planned for us.
We're gonna go apple picking.
I don't pick apples.
I-- That's not gonna happen.
- Are you serious? - Because it's picking and it's apple.
- You're serious.
- Literally sounds like hell.
Okay.
- We in a fight? - We're not fighting.
- This feels like a fight, Jess.
- This is not a fight! Russell, my man, seems these days, there's an app for everything.
- Doesn't it, though? - Yeah, but there isn't.
Let's say I'm and about, you know, being mobile and I wanna cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.
- Haberdash on the fly.
- ls there an app for that? - No.
SCHMlDT: Is there? - Until now.
- That's right.
NlCK: We now present to you - Real Apps.
- Real Apps.
The prototype.
- Relapse? - Real Apps.
Real Apps.
Relapse? - Relapse? - Would you calm-- ? - You called my baby Relapse? - I didn't-- - I gave you 51 percent for Relapse? - Russell.
Enough.
Russell, hold it in your hands, my man.
We're in the middle of something, guys.
No.
We're fine.
Show it to him, Schmidt.
- Have to-- - I wanna-- - Here, Russell.
- Wrong way.
Do it like that.
- Oh, no, no.
JESS: Oh, my God.
- You okay? - I've been stabbed.
JESS: Oh, my God.
SCHMlDT: It wasn't ready.
- You called it Relapse.
- Where are the Band-Aids? - No Band-Aids.
- What? I'll get you a takeout napkin - and some Scotch Tape.
- Searing pain! - I'm so sorry.
JESS: Here.
Ow, ow, ow! You just taped a napkin to my hand.
I'm gonna go.
I need to be home.
Is that a problem? No.
I'm fine.
It's great.
We're great.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Nick did it.
[YELLS.]
- Let it all out.
- I have an idea for your idea book.
- Replace the Band-Aids! - Very fair.
- It's all sticky.
- I have an app for that.
ELVlN: What are you doing here? Why aren't you at your new job? I'm quitting.
You're quitting your dream job? Well, I mean, there's good news.
I wanna keep being your nanny.
That's what I come to tell you mom.
I can't let you do that.
Mom, Mom! Winston just asked me if he can smoke weed.
- What? - What? WlNSTON: No.
- Said when we go to the park he wanted to do it.
I get to hold it - because I'm a minor.
- Where is your imagination taking you? - You said that in front of my kid? - Gina.
You serious? Are you completely insane? Gina, you know me.
I'm wearing a tie and everything.
You're never, ever, gonna nanny again.
I will destroy you on the nanny boards.
- Count on that.
Come on, Elvin.
- Let me explain.
Elvin, Elvin, Elvin.
Hey now.
Elvin, let's get away.
Get away from the hippie.
Come on.
Bye, Winston.
- Bye, Elvin.
GlNA: No, no.
Don't talk to him.
It's 4:20, don't you have to be somewhere? Oh, no.
The shakes.
Si-- Where are you number six? JOE: Hey, Bishop.
I thought you left early.
Assumed you weren't coming back.
Something is wrong with the shakes.
I went ahead and just threw them out.
There's something wrong with them.
I should go and throw that one out.
What did you do to the shakes? - They've been compromised.
- What did you do? Look, I really, really want this job, Mr.
Napoli.
I know you're gonna fire me if I tell you but I'd love a future here and I don't want that to be jeopardized by a moment of poor judgment.
I put my beans in your shakes.
Yeah.
And I shook it around a little bit like this: In there? You stuck them down in there, huh? I did.
[LAUGHlNG.]
Oh, man.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna do that to Kareem.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I have something to say to you.
- Don't apologize.
I'm not here to apologize.
I'm here to fight.
- I don't care if you wanna fight or not.
- Let's fight.
I was prepared to have a nice weekend and you just give up and come home.
I was bleeding from my hand.
I had to go to the ER.
I had to get a stitch.
Ohh.
Stitches.
"I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid.
" I'm actually really sorry about that.
I haven't played a drinking game in 10 years.
I did it because you asked me to.
If I wanna have a drink, I don't have to play a game while doing it.
That's my world.
Garbage disposals don't work - elevators don't pass inspection.
- I didn't know.
Yeah.
It was like the cables were really thin.
We signed a waiver.
- Took a hundred bucks off our rent.
- Not safe.
That's where I live, and those are my friends.
And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month.
And Russell, my life is just as important as your life.
And if you wanna get with me, you have to get with my friends.
That is a Spice Girls song.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
We just had a fight.
- I won.
- You did not win.
Hey, let's just go back to your loft and try again.
Let's just hang out.
Oh.
Now? I mean, I just got here.
Maybe later.
Okay.
That sounds like a plan.
Those boxers you borrowed, I'm gonna need them back.
- They're my lucky underpants.
- Lucky underpants? And what are the values of the Olympic games? Openness, exchange.
The first victims of an authoritarian security regime.
I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and that's "The View from Up Here.
"
I feel like I'm an ambassador or a spy.
Or a really high-class prostitute.
It's a political fundraiser.
Who's to say you can't be all three.
Hey, this is really good.
I gotta tell you, I'm really - Happy.
- Happy.
It's like the complete opposite of my marriage.
- I'll give you opposite of your marriage.
- What? Sorry, I just-- I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife and I got really nervous and I tried to flirt information out of you.
No.
So I haven't been home in a week and underneath my dress, I'm wearing a pair of your boxer briefs that I borrowed-slash-stole-slash "I'm not giving them back.
" Come on, let's go.
Go to my house right now.
Well, I have to go to my home for a bit.
No, no, come on.
Come on, stay with me.
No, I'm worried about the guys.
They must really be missing me and wondering where I am.
WlNSTON: Hey! Ahh! Ahh! - Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Lava.
Touch the lava.
- Touch the lava.
- Touch the lava, dude.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess MAN [OVER LAPTOP.]
: The worst quarterback in the league.
It would be better if he wasn't even playing.
Listening to the radio, writing with a pen? What decade are we in? I cannot listen to that guy.
Come on, Joe Napoli is the worst, man.
What? Man, that is blasphemous.
He's the king of sports radio, man.
I've got an interview with him.
He's hiring a new research assistant.
Hence, the research.
My old basketball coach set it up.
Gotta figure out how to break it to Elvin.
You gotta cut ties with that kid.
He freaks me out.
He never blinks.
He's like a tiny little owl.
In a shirt.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
JESS: I have so much to tell you.
I spent the whole week with rich people.
I finally tried port.
Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet? I feel like I haven't see you guys in so long.
- You all look so handsome, grown up.
- Thank you.
Nick, I finally notice the one-eighth Cherokee.
Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Yeah.
It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
- How was your sex-cation with Russell? - I did have a lot of sex.
- What'd you guys do without me? - Nothing.
- Just played True American.
- You played True American without me? [CELL PHONE CHlMES.]
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, sorry, it's Cece.
- Hey you.
CECE: Tell me everything.
How's it going? - Where are you? CECE: With Schmidt.
Where are you? Right here.
Wow.
- I am not used to this yet.
- I'm surprised this one is standing.
Burned through a lot of ideas last night.
- That's great.
- We went deep into the stables.
- Yeah.
Cool.
NlCK & WlNSTON: Ugh.
I don't know, it's like we're living in a romantic comedy montage, like-- We, like, throw our heads back when we laugh and I try on floppy hats for him.
You know, it's pretty perfect.
It's like the first act of a TV movie until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.
Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right? You're kind of doing everything on his terms and living in his beautiful, fancy house.
I'm not really living there.
Has he ever spent a night here? Hey, guys.
So listen, Russell is gonna come and stay this weekend.
- Ugh.
- I was wondering if you guys could be cool.
Yeah.
[lMlTATES EXPLOSlON.]
NlCK: Sure.
- Yeah.
Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you so how about we just say be normal? - Big R.
What's up, man? - Schmidt.
- Yep.
- Your shoe's untied.
Oh.
- What are you doing? - Label check, man.
Label check.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got it.
- Russell.
- Oh! - Oh, man, you scared me.
- You scared of black people? No.
- It's 2012, baby.
- I'm - Yeah, of course.
- Easy.
Quick question.
Russell is a visionary, would it be okay if I took him through my ldea Notebook? - Nope.
- I won't take him through the whole book.
- How about none of it? - I'm excited about one called Real Apps - I know Russell would be interested in.
JESS: No.
- Nick, Real Apps is my idea.
- Real Apps is not your idea.
You might have birthed the idea but I midwifed the crap out of it.
JESS: Guys.
- lt was a messy birth.
NlCK: You thought of the name.
SCHMlDT: The name is everything.
The name is the name of the game.
The game is the name.
Game is the name.
- The product is the game.
JESS: Guys.
I know you can do this.
- You sure you don't wanna swing? - No.
- Pushing is where the action is.
- Heh, heh.
Elvin, listen, buddy, I think we should talk.
You know I'm not gonna be here forever, right? I know about death, Winston.
I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go.
What? No.
It's just that I'm an adult.
Time for me to get an adult job with adult people.
You understand, right? Maybe we should get to work on your résumé because yours is terrible.
It's 2012, Winston.
Typing is not a special skill.
- And you're familiar with the show? - Yes.
Been listening for years.
- What do you think of Mr.
Napoli? - He's actually like an idol of mine.
Be honest, jackass.
Would you consider yourself an undercover cop? - Seriously.
Are you a cop? Tell me.
- No.
How far can you drag an unconscious man? - I haven't really checked-- lNTERVlEWER: Mr.
Napoli.
If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard, I'll eat you.
I know you, Winston Bishop, okay.
Subpar collegiate career, went to Latvia.
Nine percent from the European-slash-women's 3-point line.
Now you wind up in my lap.
I'm the luckiest girl in school.
Hey, I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.
Okay, first of all, I have not agreed to do it Welcome to the team, Winston.
Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.
I'm in.
I'll do it.
Um It's so nice to meet you, Mr.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- Can I sit on your shoulders? - Sure.
- Really? - No.
Oh.
You've made a wonderful decision.
I'm sure you're gonna learn a lot.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
JOE: Welcome aboard.
You can start today.
- I wanna talk to Kareem about the show.
- I wanna talk to you about jackets.
You said we were gonna get show jackets.
Russell, hey.
I can show you around.
I can show you our world.
Way up here, it's crystal clear.
- Nick, you're doing Aladdin.
- Again? - Do you like cheeses, Russell? - That's-- JESS: Nick, come on.
- It's for Russell.
So you really just call these ethnic noodles? Actually, I don't know.
The English writing on the box says: "Find water, grow hot.
Family celebrate plus.
" That guy.
- Nick, stop staring.
- I'm not-- What-- ? Schmidt's being weird too.
So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune but I hear you hari-kari'd that one.
- Well, I know the chef at Namuda.
- Oh, oh, Namuda? Maybe, "My first sushi.
" Baby wants a tempura California roll.
- Little Russell wants an avocado roll.
JESS: Schmidt.
Nick, don't eat his noodles.
- But we're bowl brothers now.
JESS: No, you're not.
- Tighten up, guys.
WlNSTON: I'll kill him.
I wanna punch him in his rich, old, white-dude face.
Not you.
Joe Napoli.
So I guess you didn't get the job? No, I got the job.
And that's the problem.
I want six shakes in my fridge at all times, ready to go.
And I want it Beyoncé colored.
Not darker, not lighter.
Beyoncé! Clean your damn desk.
Don't let him see you cry.
I wanna kill him.
Russ, I was wondering if later if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my ldea Notebook.
- Um Hold that thought.
NlCK: I will.
Because he doesn't wanna hear it.
- Those ideas are 51 percent mine.
JESS: Okay? [DlSPOSAL RUMBLlNG.]
- Oh! - I got it.
Russell, move.
- What'd I do? NlCK: You did nothing.
Don't blame yourself.
It just fights back a little bit, Russ.
Anchor me, anchor me! Anchor me, come on.
[GRUNTlNG.]
- Anchor, don't grope! SCHMlDT: Jess, get in there! - Pan! NlCK: Jess! [NlCK AND SCHMlDT SlGH.]
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
You guys, my contractor knows a really great plumber-- - I know the best plumbers.
- White guy knows a plumber.
Sorry.
Plumbing is a really sensitive topic here.
- I didn't know.
- Who would? Um Hey.
Who wants to play True American? - I'm in.
That's sounds like a great idea.
NlCK: Yeah.
So it's 50 percent drinking game, Well, it's more like 75 drinking, The floor is molten lava.
It's actually 90 percent drinking and it's got a loose Candy Land-like structure.
JESS: With stakes.
SCHMlDT: Guys, we doing teams? - Yeah.
Call it out, Schmitty.
SCMlDT: Ready? One, two, three, go.
NlCK: Two, two, four.
- I'm with Russell.
Perfect.
- Don't wanna be on my team? I copied you.
You haven't given me any information.
So it starts off, there are four zones.
An alternate zone is a crazy zone.
There's a trail of chairs, but the floor is lava.
These are the pawns, soldiers of the secret order.
This is the king of the castle.
Everything you hear in True American is a lie.
Knock on wood.
- Starts with a shotgun tip-off.
- Yeah.
Oh, that I can do.
- Shotgun.
Sure.
SCHMlDT: Yes! WlNSTON: All right.
Yeah.
NlCK: Yes.
Yeah.
There's no going back now.
One, two, three, four, JFK.
[SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
SCHMlDT: Go, go, go! - Russell, you're in the lava.
NlCK: Yo, that's my spot.
- I don't understand.
JESS: Lincoln, Washington.
NlCK & SCHMlDT: Cherry tree.
[NlCK WHlSTLES.]
All right, American, you ready? Let's do the count.
ALL: One, two, three.
- That's me! ALL: Yeah! NlCK: Russell! - Okay, remember, the ground is lava.
NlCK [CHANTlNG.]
: Russell! Russell! - Russell! SCHMlDT: Don't touch the lava.
- Yeah! SCHMlDT: All right! - All right, the big R! - Yes! The only thing we have to fear-- ALL: Is fear itself! SCHMlDT: Drink! - Yeah! - Drink.
All trash belongs: ALL: In the junkyard! Jimmy Carter on top.
Grover Cleveland.
- What now? - More beer.
More beer.
I gotta get to the castle! - Go, Nick, go.
- Russell, you're kind of ripped up.
I used to work summers in a lumber camp near Banff.
I still split my own wood.
NlCK: JFK! ALL: FDR! You're pretty good at this, oldtimer.
Oh, oh! Cece.
This is the best game of True American ever.
- I'm this close to winning.
- I'm gonna go get in your bed.
Damn.
- Yeah, I'm out.
NlCK: Schmidt, no! - No! SCHMlDT: Wait.
- Does it mean we win? - It's unofficial.
JESS: Yes, we win.
- Whoo! [ALL CHEERlNG.]
U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! - Oh, give it.
- We had you.
This is True American! RUSSELL: I'm trashed.
I am in a trash bag right now.
It's true.
- We should call it a night.
- No, hang on.
- I was saying something-- - Let me tell what you were saying.
- I remember-- - Guys, I'm really sorry.
I'm on a water break.
JESS: It's over here.
RUSSELL: He wants his water.
You were giving me advice on my boss because you are also a rich white man.
And that's okay.
Hell, yeah, I am.
Hey, I love you.
We have a big day planned tomorrow, maybe-- This is-- Hang on sec.
Let me straighten you out.
Here's what you do.
Your boss is power-playing you.
So you need to power-play him back.
- Classic.
- How do I do that? Dip your boys in his shake.
- What? RUSSELL: That's what you gotta do.
Your testicles, dip them in, wring them out, dip it again, and give him the shake.
- That's a terrible idea.
- Jess, no, no.
Hang on.
A guy thing.
Territory.
You don't know.
Guy thing.
Jess doesn't get it.
Territory thing.
- Stop copying Russell.
- I'm not.
Classic is a classic.
Just get in there, dunk your nuggets in his shake.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- We've learned a lot.
Know what would make this night really great? - Sleep.
- ldea Notebook.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever wanted to take a ride - on a magic idea? Well, strap on-- JESS: Russell - Iet's go to sleep.
- No, I'll be in in a second.
I wanna hear your idea.
What-- ? Take one more of these and this idea is gonna be better.
RUSSELL: Okay.
NlCK: Down the hatch.
RUSSELL: Okay, let's have a little bit more of that.
I'm mad at him.
And I've never been mad at him before.
Ugh.
Jess, this room is not a place of comforting, okay? This is Darwin's jungle.
Where open-minded people do weird things to each other.
Go away.
- Yeah.
- I can't fight with him.
That's our thing, we don't fight.
He used to fight with his ex-wife.
I think he likes that we're peaceful.
Fighting is good, it's healthy.
It's how you know it's working.
You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do is we like to fight with our bodies.
It's like a really intense game of capture the flag.
I won't make you guess what the flag is.
As my business partner, I appreciate you taking the time.
Russell said we need a prototype.
So, Mr.
Schmidt, I now present you Real Apps.
The phone goes here where the phone goes.
And then these are all the apps.
You've got a Zippo, you've got a fork, got a spoon.
That's a corn holder.
Also a gentleman's shiv.
It's a prototype of a prototype at best.
- Let me see it.
- Don't be mean about it.
- You got a bottle opener.
- Come on.
Look at this.
There's no brush steel, no nickel.
It's got none of the baller metals.
I mean, come on, man.
I'm not gonna Winklevossed because of your sloppiness.
What do you mean "l"? Real Apps is my idea.
You came up with the name.
Yeah, and the name is the game, friend-o.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick.
- I might.
- That's why they call it basketball - not peach-basket catch-it-up.
- You just came up with that? JOE: Hey, hey, we're back here on the Joe Napoli Show.
Wanna introduce a new member of the show family.
And that is Winston Bishop, who is our new assistant.
He's sharp as a tack.
Ladies, there's no ring on his finger.
Tell us just a little about yourself.
[lMlTATES WlNSTON.]
Thanks.
I really wanna tell you about myself.
I've been on the job two days, I don't know how to make no milkshake.
I played two years of mediocre Division I basketball.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Why? [lMlTATlNG WlNSTON.]
I didn't know basketball.
I got recruited for a girls' volleyball team.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
There he is.
That's Winston Bishop.
We'll see you again probably never.
Turning now to the NBA picture, it looks like the west-- Hangover eggs.
They'll stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you'll throw up really fast.
High risk, high reward.
Maybe I should just go back to bed? I have a nice day planned for us.
We're gonna go apple picking.
I don't pick apples.
I-- That's not gonna happen.
- Are you serious? - Because it's picking and it's apple.
- You're serious.
- Literally sounds like hell.
Okay.
- We in a fight? - We're not fighting.
- This feels like a fight, Jess.
- This is not a fight! Russell, my man, seems these days, there's an app for everything.
- Doesn't it, though? - Yeah, but there isn't.
Let's say I'm and about, you know, being mobile and I wanna cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.
- Haberdash on the fly.
- ls there an app for that? - No.
SCHMlDT: Is there? - Until now.
- That's right.
NlCK: We now present to you - Real Apps.
- Real Apps.
The prototype.
- Relapse? - Real Apps.
Real Apps.
Relapse? - Relapse? - Would you calm-- ? - You called my baby Relapse? - I didn't-- - I gave you 51 percent for Relapse? - Russell.
Enough.
Russell, hold it in your hands, my man.
We're in the middle of something, guys.
No.
We're fine.
Show it to him, Schmidt.
- Have to-- - I wanna-- - Here, Russell.
- Wrong way.
Do it like that.
- Oh, no, no.
JESS: Oh, my God.
- You okay? - I've been stabbed.
JESS: Oh, my God.
SCHMlDT: It wasn't ready.
- You called it Relapse.
- Where are the Band-Aids? - No Band-Aids.
- What? I'll get you a takeout napkin - and some Scotch Tape.
- Searing pain! - I'm so sorry.
JESS: Here.
Ow, ow, ow! You just taped a napkin to my hand.
I'm gonna go.
I need to be home.
Is that a problem? No.
I'm fine.
It's great.
We're great.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Nick did it.
[YELLS.]
- Let it all out.
- I have an idea for your idea book.
- Replace the Band-Aids! - Very fair.
- It's all sticky.
- I have an app for that.
ELVlN: What are you doing here? Why aren't you at your new job? I'm quitting.
You're quitting your dream job? Well, I mean, there's good news.
I wanna keep being your nanny.
That's what I come to tell you mom.
I can't let you do that.
Mom, Mom! Winston just asked me if he can smoke weed.
- What? - What? WlNSTON: No.
- Said when we go to the park he wanted to do it.
I get to hold it - because I'm a minor.
- Where is your imagination taking you? - You said that in front of my kid? - Gina.
You serious? Are you completely insane? Gina, you know me.
I'm wearing a tie and everything.
You're never, ever, gonna nanny again.
I will destroy you on the nanny boards.
- Count on that.
Come on, Elvin.
- Let me explain.
Elvin, Elvin, Elvin.
Hey now.
Elvin, let's get away.
Get away from the hippie.
Come on.
Bye, Winston.
- Bye, Elvin.
GlNA: No, no.
Don't talk to him.
It's 4:20, don't you have to be somewhere? Oh, no.
The shakes.
Si-- Where are you number six? JOE: Hey, Bishop.
I thought you left early.
Assumed you weren't coming back.
Something is wrong with the shakes.
I went ahead and just threw them out.
There's something wrong with them.
I should go and throw that one out.
What did you do to the shakes? - They've been compromised.
- What did you do? Look, I really, really want this job, Mr.
Napoli.
I know you're gonna fire me if I tell you but I'd love a future here and I don't want that to be jeopardized by a moment of poor judgment.
I put my beans in your shakes.
Yeah.
And I shook it around a little bit like this: In there? You stuck them down in there, huh? I did.
[LAUGHlNG.]
Oh, man.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna do that to Kareem.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I have something to say to you.
- Don't apologize.
I'm not here to apologize.
I'm here to fight.
- I don't care if you wanna fight or not.
- Let's fight.
I was prepared to have a nice weekend and you just give up and come home.
I was bleeding from my hand.
I had to go to the ER.
I had to get a stitch.
Ohh.
Stitches.
"I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid.
" I'm actually really sorry about that.
I haven't played a drinking game in 10 years.
I did it because you asked me to.
If I wanna have a drink, I don't have to play a game while doing it.
That's my world.
Garbage disposals don't work - elevators don't pass inspection.
- I didn't know.
Yeah.
It was like the cables were really thin.
We signed a waiver.
- Took a hundred bucks off our rent.
- Not safe.
That's where I live, and those are my friends.
And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month.
And Russell, my life is just as important as your life.
And if you wanna get with me, you have to get with my friends.
That is a Spice Girls song.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
We just had a fight.
- I won.
- You did not win.
Hey, let's just go back to your loft and try again.
Let's just hang out.
Oh.
Now? I mean, I just got here.
Maybe later.
Okay.
That sounds like a plan.
Those boxers you borrowed, I'm gonna need them back.
- They're my lucky underpants.
- Lucky underpants? And what are the values of the Olympic games? Openness, exchange.
The first victims of an authoritarian security regime.
I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and that's "The View from Up Here.
"