Outsourced (2010) s01e20 Episode Script

Yes, I will marry you.
She has begun the arranged marriage process, Todd, and you are about to lose her, man! I've found someone to marry.
Would you like to go out on a date with me? See how much fun you can have when you don't think about Asha? Oh, I see.
You've still got feelings for Asha.
Are we a couple or not? But, Gupta, we're not going to find your watch, let's go.
Please, let's just retrace my steps one more time.
But we've been out here for hours, man.
Oh, have we? I didn't know.
Let me check my Oh, wait! I don't have my watch.
Is that Madhuri? Hurry.
If you go now, it's not too late to change your destiny.
What are you doing? My auntie is on vacation Sorry.
My auntie is on vacation, so I'm sitting in for her.
So you're just making stuff up, scamming people.
This is no scam.
All the women in my family have the gift.
Then why are you putting on the voice? Ha ha! They pay for the reading I give them the show.
All right, then.
I lost my watch.
Can you tell me where it is? I won't read the palm of a friend.
What if I see something bad? Oh, please, Madhuri.
My parents gave me the watch.
All right, I'll pay like a regular customer.
My watch.
It was in your pocket the whole time.
She does have the gift.
What will I have for dinner? Too much.
She's right! Spooky.
Okay, thank you very much, please, good-bye.
Gupta, is that the last biscuit? Yes.
You're not going to share? No, no.
I'll share.
Mm.
It starts out crispy, then ends in a wave of buttery goodness.
You know, there's plenty of fresh fruit here.
I don't trust anything with a seed.
What's nature up to? I don't know.
Okay.
Madhuri.
I need you to read my palm.
I don't think that's a very good idea, Gupta.
I need to know when the ice cream shop is getting more rocky road.
They keep running out by the time I get there.
Huh.
Please.
All right, fine, I'll do it.
Ah.
I see crumbs on your love line.
- It has been slim pickings - No, Gupta.
There are actual crumbs on your love line.
Oh, sorry.
Yah yah! Oh, ho.
It's clean.
I see your life line Uh-oh.
What? What do you see? Your life line, it'sshort.
Short? How short? Candle in the wind short? I just tell you what I see.
It's not like you can't change things.
Maybe you should look at the way you live.
I'm going to die.
- Dempsy! - Charlie.
Looking sharp.
Yeah, uh, Tonya's mom is visiting, and I want to impress her.
Last time she was here, my boss was in town.
We got drunk and thrown into jail, so What's the big deal? Everyone's done a few days in county.
Oh, man, they're here early.
Uh, okay, do me a favor.
Can you stall them while I go into my office and get things ready? You know, put in a good word for me or something? Done! I can sell anything.
Is that your sales voice or your sexy voice? Depends.
Do I have a sale? Oh, God.
What's the hurry? You're moving with the urgency you usually reserve for leaving work.
Tonya's mom is coming, and I want to impress her with the way I run things around here.
Manmeet.
- Mm-hmm? - What the hell is that? Oh, it's the nip-nap.
Well, can you take it off? I tried.
They're glued on.
No, no.
I mean, can you put it away? I don't want Tonya's mom to see anything offensive.
Oh, then this is the least of your problems, man.
Oh, crap! Hello! Oh, hi, Charlie.
This is my mom, Lydia.
Ah.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Uh Wait! Uh, I-I just wanted to say, um, Lydia's such a beautiful name.
I-is that short for something? Like what? Lydia This is the one I told you about.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I get flustered in the presence of such beauty.
Not you, Tonya, 'cause you're dating Todd.
SoI guess I mean you.
Hey, hurry, hurry, hurry! Quick! Are you going to help or fantasize? Both.
No, come here.
Hello.
So we like to keep novelties around so that our sales reps know what it is that they're selling.
Ah.
This is pretty cool.
It's our sarcastic eight ball.
It's a real big seller.
Your parents must be so proud.
She doesn't even have the ball.
Come on, mom.
Some of the items are really quite clever.
What's this? Click it.
That is our orgasm keychain.
First time I tried to use one of these babies it took me 20 minutes to find the button.
Why don't you introduce some of your employees? Yes, of course.
This is Asha.
Hi.
And this is Gupta.
Don't waste your time on me.
I'm not long for this world.
Ah, Gupta's not himself.
Madhuri read his palm, and he's not taking it so well.
Oh, you have a fortune teller here? Mom's really into fortune telling.
Well, you should get your palm read.
The keychain agrees.
And your success line is very prominent.
Perhaps there will be a promotion in the next six months.
How about my love line? This is where you are right now.
You are very happy in your relationship.
I see the future I see another person.
A woman.
Dangerous secrets.
An affair will come between you two.
Come on, you're not taking this seriously, are you? Madhuri, maybe you read her palm wrong? Maybe you should do it again, and things will look different? Okay.
I see No, still getting an affair.
She's close.
The woman who will come between you.
She's very close.
I like your suit.
Back off, Pinky.
I'm taken.
Look at all that food.
It's my fault.
I read Gupta's fortune and told him he was going to die.
And now it looks like he's completely given up.
You mean, he was trying before? - Hello again.
- Charlie.
I don't know what to order.
Yeah, it can be a little intimidating at first.
- Allow me? - Oh, please.
One masala chai.
Extra milk, hold the cloves.
I think you're really gonna love this.
Here you go.
Careful, 'cause it's hot, real hot.
Grab it by the top there.
Mmm.
Smells wonderful.
What is that? Cardamom.
Gives it that little sweet kick.
A lot of people don't realize this, but it's actually a natural aphrodisiac.
I think it's working.
That's crazy.
You haven't even tasted it yet.
I know.
We're gonna do it, aren't we? The less you talk, the better your chances.
Mm-hmm-hmm-hm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
Gupta, do you really need another jalebi? You know, you're right.
Squirt? You got to stop this.
Let me guess.
Madhuri told you to check up on me? No one tells me what to do.
Don't you realize what you're doing? Your body's a temple.
You're building a sloppy addition in front that is going to bring the whole thing down.
What does it matter if I don't have long to live? - Really? - Huh.
What about your next life? You're forgetting about reincarnation, man.
Yeah, if I were you, I would use the time you have left to improve your karma so you come back as something better.
Like a doctor.
Or a movie star.
Or a pet in America! Ooh! You can't stay in there all day.
Let me see! Okay.
I think there's been a mistake.
I'm going to Rajiv's wedding as a guest, not a bridesmaid.
Well, you look great.
Is this how it's supposed to fit? Needs to be taken in just a little.
Whoa, whoa.
Easy there.
I'm not a blow-up doll.
Pop! Likethat.
Hey! Tonya.
Asha was just adjusting my kurta.
Kurta is the word for shirt.
I really should get back to work.
What the hell, Todd? Okay.
This isn't what it looks like.
You know, maybe Madhuri was right about the affair.
Maybe you never got over Asha.
Ah, come on, she was just helping me pick out my clothes for Rajiv's wedding.
She's engaged! She's the last person you need to be worried about.
Oh, but there are people I should be worried about? Well, that's a weird thing to take from the sentence, but ToddI don't like secrets.
If there's anything you're keeping from me, you should tell me right now.
I promise, there are no secrets.
You've nothing to worry about.
Okay, thank you.
- Holy crap! - What? I just forgot how good hugging feels.
We should do this more.
Yeah, I would like that.
You know, there's something I think that's missing Good.
Great great hug.
Charlie! Charlie! Uh, hey, Todd.
I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
What the hell are you doing with Tonya's mom? I said put in a good word for me! Well, I put in something better.
You don't sleep with your friend's girlfriend's mom! I'm sorry, but she hit on me, and I don't have the tools to say no.
She's amazing.
She does things, Todd, things I will describe to you now.
No! No, no, no.
Look, if Tonya finds out, she's going to freak out.
You just you gotta keep this quiet.
I'll try, but I can't speak for Lydia.
She is one hot Aussie mama.
There are no great barriers to her reef, Todd.
- She outbacked my steakhouse.
- Okay.
She diggeried my do.
She hughed my Jackman.
All right, just get it out of your system.
She's singing in my opera house! She boomered my rang! Russelled my Crowe! She dingoed my baby! Gupta, you're late! - It's okay.
- No, it's not.
You're late.
It's okay, my friend.
It's not okay, and I am not your friend.
Yes, it is.
And yes, you are.
What are you doing? Please don't touch me! This is a hug of forgiveness.
For all the times you were cruel to me, I forgive you.
Have you lost your mind, you tangerine-draped half-wit? And I forgive you for that.
I am on the path to enlightenment.
I am undergoing a karmic cleanse.
Forgiving other people.
And atoning for all my wrongs.
Lata, I am sorry for stealing most of your sales.
Pinky, that guy did call back.
Called back twice, actually.
I just didn't think he was right for you.
Curly-haired guy.
I'm sorry for never learning your name.
It's Prakash.
- I've seen you every day - Kind of moving on now.
Shh.
Madhuri, you've been trying to grow your hair out for the better part of a year.
And I've been secretly cutting it while you are on sales calls.
I don't know, I just like it this length.
Manmeet, you made me promise never to tell anyone that as a kid your sister taught you how to kiss.
Well, I never told anyone! So I don't owe you an apology.
There.
Cleansed.
Doesn't that feel better? Your sister.
Hey, sorry, got held up at the office.
Is your mom here? Yeah, she's just in the bathroom.
Oh, good idea! Do you mind? Oh! Ha! Sorry! I thought this was the men's room.
Charlie? Yeah, we got here a little early and had a few minutes to kill.
It goes without saying, what happened here doesn't need to be discussed.
Let's be adults about this.
Ooh! Still tender.
Are you kidding me? What happened to keeping this quiet? Well, it's not me.
It's Lydia, Todd.
The woman's insatiable.
But don't worry, we used protection.
We doubled up on the paper seat covers.
You hungry? I know I am for some reason.
It's a little blouse-y on you.
But I wouldn't take it in.
You have nowhere to go but out.
Gupta.
What are you doing? I am giving away all my worldly possessions.
The quickest path to good karma is a humble life of simplicity.
Manmeet, I want you to have my karaoke CDs.
Six hours of me singing all my favorite hits.
Six hours? I'd hate to see what didn't make it.
Here are the hard-to-find B-sides.
Gupta, you shouldn't give away all your possessions.
But they're just things, Madhuri.
They don't matter to the new Gupta.
Asha, I want you to have my pearl-handled brush.
That is my brush! And I've been looking for it everywhere! If there's one thing I've learned, it's that nothing really belongs to anyone.
It has my name on it.
Oh, Asha.
So beautiful here.
So much work to do here.
As much as I enjoy participating in this karmic meltdown, I have wedding duties to attend to.
Rajiv, wait! You were the cruelest to me by far.
So the biggest gesture on my part would be to give my best gift to you.
So I'm giving you my life savings.
Every rupee I have and my frequent chai buyer card.
Okay, Gupta, this has gone too far.
You're not going to die.
I know.
- I'm going to be reborn - No! I told you your life line was short because I wanted you to start taking care of yourself.
You lied to me.
Because I care about you.
We all care about you! Here.
Hey.
And What? Give it back, Rajiv! It's his life savings.
He gave it to me fair and square.
Everything in this box belongs to me! Wait, there's no money in here.
All there is is a picture of you combing your underarm hair? With my mustache comb? Not good karma on my part.
But well worth it.
Especially when you see the next picture.
I combed everything.
Gupta! Thanks, Charlie, for showing my mom around today.
How did you like the spice markets? Mmm.
It was lovely.
So colorful.
I love spices.
Finding something new and exciting that adds an unexpected little zest Charlie? I'm just saying, I like spices.
Especially when they're well-aged and they know what they're doing.
Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, come on, you guys just went! Can't you justHold it till you get home? Todd? Why are you telling my mom to hold it? Todd is uncomfortable because he caught me and Charlie having a bit of fun in the bathroom.
It's not as nasty as it sounds.
I really like your mom.
The bathroom thing just kind of happened.
We've been doing it in much classier places all day.
- Oh! - Tell her, Todd.
You knew about this? Whoa! Whoa.
Yes.
I can't believe you.
Me? What did I do? Well, it's what you didn't do.
Oh, I'd hate to hear that.
I'm not surprised with my mom's behavior.
She's done far worse.
But you? You chose Charlie over me.
You know I don't like secrets.
I was just protecting you from the horrible news that your mom was sleeping with Charlie! No offense meant.
None taken.
It's hard to sweat the petty stuff when you're grand-slammin' it at the Australian Open.
Now I'm wondering what else you're not telling me.
And what am I supposed to think the next time I catch you someplace with Asha? You're supposed to trust me.
All right, so you can honestly tell me that you no longer have feelings for her.
Can't pause there.
Oh! Come on, mom.
We're leaving.
May I at least say good night? Mom! Mom! Bye, Charlie.
Bye.
Whew! I think we just broke up.
It's a damn shame.
I was really looking forward to calling you son.
Hey! Have you seen Madhuri? We were supposed to have dinner I'm hungry.
I didn't know you read palms.
Yes! All Indians have the gift.
As long as you pay.
Okay.
So I had the fling with Tonya's mom.
But I need to know, am I ever gonna find my soul mate? Yes, you will.
Really? What's her name? Her name is Madhuri! Big eyes.
Really? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it once or twice.
- Are you ready for dinner? - Yes.
Charlie, would you like to join us? And so it begins.
What's beginning? - Uh - Shhh! We both know how this ends.
Let's enjoy the ride.
And I'm gonna need a prenup.
On the next Outsourced Beautiful.
Truly moving.
Goose bumps.