Raising Hope s01e20 Episode Script

Dad, praying mantis! Oh, and it's a biggie.
Dad, Dad, I found a praying mantis.
Now we finally have something to fight that beetle we've been saving.
What are you doing back here, Jimmy? That dog doesn't know you.
He'll kill you.
- Why is your shirt off? - I was hot.
It's not that hot today.
Well, I was working, and working made me sweat.
You're dry, and your nipples are hard.
Your obsession with my moisture and nipples is making me uncomfortable.
Plus, I think it's pissing off the dog.
Please just go finish the front.
It's just weird.
Fine.
Morning, Burt.
I brought you a slice of pound cake.
I don't know what's sweeter, you or that pound cake.
You know why they call it pound cake? 'Cause if you eat it, you gain a pound.
Or two pounds.
Hey, hey, hey, three.
Three.
Mmm! Here we go, oh, oh, oh Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh Birth control, no, no, no Let it roll, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh I'm not going to be around forever, and I want your little baby girl to have this, so she'll always remember who her Who am I to her again? You're her great-great Maw Maw.
That is so sweet.
Oh! I wonder what it is that makes me so great.
Well, hey, sweetie.
Don't you look glamorous? Boy, you just never turn off the charm, do you? Here, why don't you see if you can get the Indian woman on the butter to blow you a kiss? Okay, we need to talk.
Yes, you're damn right we need to talk.
What were you doing with that lady today? - Nothing.
- Oh, come on.
You had your shirt off, you were doing push-ups, smiling with your mouth all I wasn't doing that.
I was doing this.
- That's what I did.
- No, you did it all pervy.
You were like - That's what you were doing.
- I was not.
My mouth doesn't even work that way.
Tell me, are you trying to sleep with that woman? Trying to sleep with what woman? With no woman.
Jimmy saw a side of the business today that I've sort of shielded him from.
He's just trying to wrap his brain around it.
Well, now I'm trying to wrap my brain around it, Burt.
What did he see? Uh You know, there was a client, she was a lady, I take my shirt off, stuff like that, like you do.
Happy now, Chicken Little? Sky's not falling.
You took your shirt off so she will look at you? Yeah.
I'm the pool guy.
Oh, come on, Virginia, don't act so naive.
Everybody knows the lawn and pool business isn't just about lawns and pools.
I know a guy who's tough but sweet Over the years I've learned people want a little eye candy.
He's so fine, he can't be beat He's got everything that I desire Sets the summer sun on fire And I've got candy to give.
I want candy Come holiday bonus time, we're lucky some customers have a serious sweet tooth.
I want candy I want candy There's no physical contact.
I'm not selling my body, just selling the dream.
Who are you? Burt Bigalow: Lawn Gigolo? I want you to have my father's top hat.
- I'd rather - Wear the top hat, Burt.
Wear it.
Then maybe you can dig up Abe Lincoln's wife and flirt with her.
Look, I'm just using my God-given gifts to provide for my family.
- I won this in a dance marathon.
- Thank you.
Burt, don't act like you're doing this for us.
The truth is, you just love being a sex symbol.
It's not about that.
It's about putting food on the table.
When it comes to being a hunter-gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons.
I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence, so believe me, I know how lucky I am to have these guns.
Really, Burt, the guns? Who am I kidding? My real trophy is my four-pack abs.
Call the police.
A crook has stolen everything from my room.
Everything that is precious to me is gone.
So Burt flirted with a woman? Who cares? Everybody flirts.
I do it all the time.
You're kidding me.
And Donovan doesn't care? - No, he does it, too.
- And you don't care? When Donovan flirts and I see a woman flirt back, it kind of turns me on.
Unless she touches him, and then I'll beat her ass, which always turns him on.
So when he flirts, one way or another, somebody's getting turned on, which is a good thing in a marriage.
You should try it.
Oh, no, I don't think I Don't think.
Do.
Okay, well That bra really makes your boobs look perky.
Not on me.
The waiter.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Hey, Gary Uh Is that an inspirational stone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oh! It's a stone.
It says "Destiny.
" I like to believe that there's something great out there waiting for me.
You know? Well, who knows? Maybe you could be waiter to the President someday.
- Yeah.
- You're sure handsome enough.
- Thanks.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hey, you know, I just took some scones out of the oven.
Why don't I bring you ladies a couple on the house? Oh, my God, I did it.
You did it.
I did it.
What the hell is a scone? Hey, do you think I could pull these earrings off, or is it too busy? - Jimmy! - Huh? Oh, yeah, that's really funny.
You still preoccupied about your parents? We both are, okay? It's a big deal.
You mentioned it Tuesday, and it stuck with me.
Oh! Parents don't realize the scars they leave.
Dude, cut it out.
You're getting fish guts in my neck hole.
You know, I don't know why your mom's so bummed out about this whole flirting thing.
Everybody does it.
It's fun, it's a good way to get what you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you do it, too? Oh, yeah.
It's how I get Barney to give me all the easy jobs.
You know I work from home on Thursdays? That is so unfair.
It's just the way the world works, Jimmy.
You use what you got.
Is it fair that I missed the height requirement for America 's Next Top Modelby 12 inches? Stop.
I washed my hands.
Hey, Burt, awfully hot, don't you think? Don't worry, I've increased your chlorine to compensate for the heat-induced algae.
I meant your clothes.
You're wearing a lot of clothes.
I also added muriatic acid, so your pH is - My wife knows about us.
- What about us? Everything.
I came clean, told her all about our flirting.
Flirting? We were just being friendly.
Oh, come on.
The suggestive banter, the pound cake, me, topless, skimming, you doing slow karate on that mat.
I think we both crossed the "friendly" line, and I was flirting and it has to end.
- So no more pound cake? - No more pound cake.
Man, these things sure are the dickens.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
- Here, let me give it a try.
- Well, thanks.
I didn't expect that from the boss.
Whoa, that is a lot of firepower you've got in those guns.
Oh, yeah, well, I've got some free weights in my office.
Wow, you're not bulky either.
You're strong but you're lean.
I mean, that's the kind of body I want to have when I'm 29.
Ah, thanks, though I'm a little bit older than 29, but not by much.
Boy, I wish I knew your tricks.
Why don't I show you my workout routine? We can do it right now.
I'd love that, but I'm supposed to de-moth some of the light fixtures.
Those moths aren't going anywhere.
Oh, man, the "moths aren't going anywhere.
" That's hilarious.
Well, the moths can't move, because they're dead.
Ah, yep.
Strong and funny.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
What's all this? I just picked up some "reduced for quick sale" lunch meat at the gas station.
I know, I know, I was angry, so I didn't cook for a week, but now I want to apologize.
- You do? - I was wrong.
I was all crazy about you flirting.
Then I had lunch with Sylvia, and she explained to me that everybody flirts, so I tried it with the waiter and it worked.
Gary gave me all this free food.
Gary? You call him Gary? Yes, he told me his name is Gary, but his full name is also on his name tag.
Gary Barista.
I am starving.
I didn't realize what hard work flirting is.
- With Sabrina? - No, even better.
Feels like the first time Feels like the very first time Wow, this is harder than I thought.
- "That's what she said.
" - What? That's just a joke a guy on a TV show I used to watch says.
Oh! Oh! That's hilarious.
It makes it seem like I said something dirty, but I didn't.
Spent my time so foolishly Foreigner is pretty great, huh? They're awesome.
I don't believe this.
Everybody's flirting but me.
Does this mean flirting's back on? 'Cause I would really like to reopen my flirt gates.
I miss it.
Flirt away.
Great! Jimmy, grab my razor.
We got a neck to shave! Morning.
Nice shorts.
Not a lot of guys can pull off the shorts and dark socks.
Hey.
I got some detergent samples in my bag.
They're addressed to "Resident.
" Interested? I'm a resident somewhere.
Knock, knock.
Knock Knock Knock Maid Service.
Down the hall and to your left.
Whoa! Oh! Um Ah I think there's been a mistake here.
We're a legitimate cleaning service.
You called Knock Knock Knock I think you wanted Knock Knock Nooky.
Happens all the time.
I think I have their number in here somewhere.
Virginia, it's me.
Gary Barista? That's not the name that's on here.
Gary I think you took what I said the other day the wrong way.
No.
You're my destiny.
I was just flirting.
I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm a married woman.
Hey, we all have baggage.
Believe me, I have way too close a relationship with my mother.
Hi, Mom.
She's thinking about it right now, so can you call back in, like, 10? I am not thinking about it.
I know you won't leave! Fate won't let you leave.
You are about to walk right back in this room.
You're about to walk back in this apartment! There you are.
I also have a coupon for some free panties.
Oh, my God, I did it again.
You're about to walk back in this building! You're on trout-cleaning duty.
Big shipment just came in.
I don't clean fish.
Never have, never will.
Now, go ask Barney.
I don't have to ask him, 'cause you're not my boss.
My boss is the well-groomed, tiny-handed man who told me to tell you to clean the trout.
Mmm! Mmm! This is the most passionate passion fruit iced tea I've ever had.
Well, making it is my passion.
- Oh, man - Barney? Those patriotic nut jobs are picketing the hummus again.
When will they learn that chickpeas are not our enemies? Two can play your little flirting game, Sabrina.
Oh, really? Well, don't get too comfy in my Snuggie, Chance.
Nobody steals my man! I can't go out there without this.
Burt.
What are you doing here? Well, my wife said she's totally cool with what we were doing.
So the flirt train is back on track.
Really? Okay.
So It's really hot out here today.
Yeah, we're done with the train thing? - I think so.
- Okay.
Uh, yeah, it's really hot.
It might be a record.
Mmm! You want me to drink out of the hose or something? Okay.
I'll turn it on for you.
It's still kind of hot.
That's coppery.
You're kind of coppery.
I'm sorry, forget it.
I can't do this.
I know.
Now that we've talked about it, it just feels Disgusting.
Uh-uh-uh, oh! No, that's Grandma juice, baby.
- What the hell? - Virginia, you remember Gary - from the cafe? - Sure.
Gary, nice to see ya Dressed.
Why did you bring him here? Well, I stopped by the coffee shop to get a scone, and Gary was crying, going on and on about you with that sad little face of his, and he wouldn't let me leave! Eventually, I realized that if I brought him here, he'd be your problem.
Oh, no.
You are not leaving me alone with that nut job.
Oh, hey.
You guys enjoy your second TV break? Yeah.
Ice Road Truckers.
Man, I can't believe you were brave enough to go through with that once.
Well, it was really more of a flower delivery van in Topeka, Kansas.
But the roads did get pretty slick.
Oh, you know what, Barney, actually, this came for you earlier.
Oh, super.
"Dear Mr.
Hughes, "Congratulations on being named winner of MTV's Find the Coolest Boss contest.
" You didn't.
"Enclosed is a $20 gift certificate to TJ Muckracker's, "Home of the Deep-Dish Onion Ring, for you to share "with the employee who nominated you, Sabrina Collins.
" Oh, my God, they told me it was gonna be anonymous.
Well, looks like you and I have a date to go to TJ Muckracker's tonight.
Barney, I love that place! Except you know what? I'm scheduled to close.
Don't worry, Jimmy can stay and close up tonight.
- But I'm off at 6:00.
- Good.
Then you can stay and devein the shrimp until 9:00.
I am gonna call my ex-wife.
I'll bet Perfect Doug doesn't have a plaque that says "MTV's Coolest Hedge Fund Manager.
" Okay, you've won this round, Collins.
But you can't get Barney a plaque every week.
Well, my uncle owns Discount Trophies and Plaques, so actually I can.
Oh, this came for you.
Well, apparently, Perfect Doug has several plaques and a baby on the way.
Let's go get drunk.
- Hi, Sylvia.
- Ah! I was just waiting for you to get here so I can leave.
Maw Maw keeps saying I stole from her.
Check her purse.
I know she's got my treasures! It's taken all I've got not to slap her.
I'm sure somewhere out there there's a woman who wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked.
Maybe you should try "Gregslist.
" Hey.
Remember that guy I told you I flirted with, Gary the waiter? Well, now he's Gary the stalker.
So thanks for encouraging me to flirt.
Well, exactly what did you say when you flirted? I don't know, just nice things.
Oh, damn, Son.
What is that smell? The poop of 800 shrimps.
It's no use.
Sabrina's just way better at flirting than me.
You two should have left the flirting to a professional.
Without the proper technique, it can be a very dangerous game.
You wait here, I'll go take care of Gary, and you Oh, man, you reek.
Do something about that smell.
Uh-uh! You go out front and rinse off with the hose.
Your Maw Maw eats in that bathtub.
Hey, buddy.
- Please don't kill me.
- Whoa, man.
Why would I kill you? Because I'm stalking your wife and lured her to my apartment so she could find me naked on a bed of rose petals.
You know, when somebody asks, "Why would I kill you?" you shouldn't give him such a good reason.
But I'm not gonna kill you.
Come on, have a beer.
I'm sorry.
It was just so exciting when your wife complimented me.
I'll never have anyone like her.
I'm not all muscular and outdoorsy like you.
A lot of women like pale, indoorsy guys.
All I got are these muscles.
- You got a good job.
- I'm a barista.
And I'm a Chance.
Both good families.
Plus, you're a waiter, which means you're good at math.
So you're smart.
And I don't think you can do your job without being a good listener.
Women love good listeners.
Hey, that's true.
A lot of waiters say, "No substitutions," but I actually encourage them.
Plus, you pursued a married woman who has no interest in you.
That means - I'm nuts? - No.
You're a guy who never gives up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hello? Hi, Mom.
Uh, no, it didn't work out.
But I might have met my new best friend.
No? Never mind.
I'll call you back.
- Good luck with everything, buddy.
- Thanks.
Hey, remember that Web site I was telling you about, PainFreeTweezers.
com.
Hey.
I don't think he'll be stalking you anymore.
You got a lot more going for you than muscles.
What you said to that guy was really smart.
I was in there for 45 minutes.
I couldn't make a dent in that sap.
It's not just flirting.
It's the ability to make people feel really good about themselves.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am more than just great on the outside.
I'm great up here.
What am I thinking? I'm gonna need a mirror.
Dad did have great insight.
Well, about most things.
He knew I was bummed because things didn't work out with my flirting at the grocery store.
But he also knew what it would take to make me feel a lot better about myself.
I'm passing the torch, Son.
Remember, all you're selling is the dream.
Okay.
English - US - SDH