Rhoda (1974) s01e20 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- COME ON, JOE.
COME ON, PLEASE.
- JUST A MINUTE.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.
MY HAND WAS WET.
IF YOU HADN'T BARRICADED YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM, I WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GE TO A TOWEL AND TO MY MAKE-UP AND TO MY JOB ON TIME.
- HEY, I'M SORRY.
- JOE, WHY DO YOU LOCK THE DOOR? I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO, RUN IN AND SQUEEZE YOUR TOOTHPASTE IN THE MIDDLE? BOY, I'M LATE.
AH.
BIG ED'S GOING TO BE FURIOUS.
- WHO'S BIG ED? - OH, HE'S THIS GUY I'M DOING WINDOW DISPLAYS FOR.
HE OWNS A SHOP FOR MEN.
YOU KNOW, RESORT WEAR FOR THE HARD TO FIT AND THE DIFFICUL TO GET THROUGH A DOORWAY.
IT'S NAMED PORTLY'S OF CALL.
- SHOULD I SHAVE OR NOT? - HUH? - IT'S MY SATURDAY MORNING PROBLEM, YOU KNOW.
- WHAT? - I DON'T WANT TO LOOK GRUBBY JUST IN CASE THE GUYS DECIDE THEY WANT TO GO AFTERWARDS AND GRAB SOME LUNCH.
- YEAH.
SO--SO SHAVE.
- YEAH, BUT IF I SHAVE NOW AND THEN YOU AND I DECIDE THAT WE WANT TO GO OU AND HAVE SOME DINNER TONIGH OR SOMETHING, THEN I'LL HAVE TO SHAVE AGAIN.
- SO DON'T SHAVE.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I WON'T SHAVE UNTIL TONIGHT.
RHODA, HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY DRAWER? - ONLY UP TO MY WRISTS.
YEAH, IT MAKES IT EASIER PUTTING AWAY LAUNDRY.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU MIXED UP MY SOCKS.
SO, HOW ABOUT IF YOU JUST LEAVE MY STUFF ON THE BED AND I'LL PICK IT UP FOR MYSELF AND PUT IT AWAY, OK? - OK.
HEY, WHAT'S WITH YOU, JOE? I MEAN, FIRST YOU LOCKED ME OU OF THE BATHROOM, THEN YOU DON'T WANT ME IN YOUR DRAWER.
ARE THERE CERTAIN AREAS OF THE ROOM YOU WOULD LIKE TO ROPE OFF? - HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HUFFY.
- HUFFY? WHAT IS THAT? - I AM JUST USED TO HAVING MY OWN SPACE, OK? - OK.
- NOW LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT ANY OF THIS CAME UP.
NO, REALLY.
IN THE FUTURE I'M GOING TO MAKE EVERY EFFOR TO TRY NOT TO LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR AND YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO RUMMAGE IN MY SOCK DRAWER ANY TIME YOUR LITTLE HEART DESIRES.
- LISTEN, DON' BE SORRY, JOE.
IT'S GOOD THAT YOU TELL ME THE THINGS THAT BOTHER YOU-- JUST SO ONE OF THOSE THINGS ISN'T ME.
- HEY, YOU BETTER GET GOING.
- YEAH, RIGHT, LISTEN, I'LL BE HOME ABOUT 3:00.
HOW ABOUT YOU? - YEAH, YEAH, I SHOULD BE HOME BY THEN.
- GOT ANYTHING TO DO FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON? - NO.
YOU? - NO.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE? - GOOD IDEA.
[CLICK.]
- LOCKING THE DOOR TO SHAVE? [BUZZER.]
- THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- I KNOW, CARLTON, I WAS JUST MAKING A LITTLE JOKE.
- PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
I'M WALKING A VERY THIN LINE DOWN HERE.
- A THIN WAVY LINE.
- YEAH, LISTEN, YOUR SISTER BRENDA WANTS PERMISSION TO PICK YOUR MAIL UP.
IS IT OK WITH YOU? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- HI, RHO.
- SHH, SHH, SHH.
- UH, CARLTON? - YES.
- LISTEN, I THINK, UM, I WOULD RATHER PICK UP MY OWN MAIL MYSELF.
- OH, OKEY-DOKEY, I'LL TELL HER.
BRENDA, UH, YOUR SISTER SAYS SHE WANTS TO PICK UP HER MAIL HERSELF.
- OKEY-DOKEY, CARLTON.
- YOU'RE DOING IT TO ME AGAIN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OH, RHO, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? - OH, IT'S A WINDOW DISPLAY FOR SANSBURRY'S DRUG STORE.
- YEAH.
- OH.
- OH, BOY, POST-CHRISTMAS, PRE-EASTER.
IT'S MURDER THINKING UP DISPLAYS BETWEEN HOLIDAYS.
- SANTA CLAUS FEEDING TUMS TO A RABBIT? - NO, THAT'S THE EASTER BUNNY.
YOU SEE.
I FIGURE WITH A LITTLE SIGN THAT SAYS TUMS FOR THE BUNNY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? - IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
- IT'S THE PITS.
FORGET IT.
HEY, LISTEN, BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME FROM THE BANK? IF IT'S A HOLIDAY, LET ME KNOW.
I COULD USE ONE.
- NO, I CALLED IN SICK.
- OH, REALLY? WHAT'S A MATTER? - NOTHING.
I JUST THOUGHT I'D, YOU KNOW, I'D GIVE MYSELF ONE MORE DAY TO CHANGE MY LUCK.
I HAD A REALLY LOUSY WEEKEND.
AND MONDAY'S MY LUCKY DAY.
- HOW DO YOU FIGURE? - IT'S THE DAY MY LOUSY WEEKENDS ARE OVER.
YOU GOT ANYTHING GOOD THERE? - NAH, NAH, JUST BILLS MOSTLY.
A COUPLE THINGS FOR JOE.
- OH, I SEE CARLTON'S READING YOUR MAGAZINES, TOO.
- OH, YEAH.
- THE WINE AD HERE SMELLS LIKE MUSCATEL.
- OH, TERRIFIC, A LETTER FROM MARY.
- OH, THAT'S REALLY CUTE STATIONARY.
- YEAH, ISN'T IT? WELL, THIS IS SYMBOLIC OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
NOW, YOU SEE MARY'S STATIONARY IS YELLOW WITH A PERKY LITTLE MARY AND A FLOWER.
MINE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS GREY WITH A PERKY LITTLE NEW YORK WRECKING AND A BULLDOZER.
- SO, HOW IS MARY? - OH, I'M SORRY, BREN, YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS? - ONLY THE PERSONAL PARTS.
- OK.
- "DEAREST RHODA, HOW ARE YOU AND JOE?" - HOW IS JOE BY THE WAY? - JOE'S TERRIFIC.
WHY? - OH, THIS DOCTOR BILL IS ADDRESSED TO HIM.
- TO JOE? - I ADMIRE YOUR SELF-CONTROL THERE, RHODA.
- BRENDA, I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I COULDN'T.
I SAW JOE'S NAME IN THA LITTLE CELLOPHANE WINDOW AND SOMETHING SNAPPED.
- WHAT'S IT SAY? - "PROFESSIONAL SERVICES RENDERED, $100.
" THAT'S IT.
- I KNOW A WAY THAT WE CAN FIND OUT WHAT THE BILL'S FOR.
- YEAH? - ASK JOE.
- I CAN'T DO THAT, BRENDA.
HE HAS THIS BIG THING ABOU PRIVACY AND I FEEL LIKE I JUS VIOLATED IT.
- WELL, TELL HIM I WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- SURE, SURE, I WAS GOING THROUGH THE MAIL AND THIS DOCTOR'S BILL FELL OFF THE TABLE AND BROKE OPEN ON THE FLOOR.
OH, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE OPENED IT.
- OH, RHODA, YOU WERE CONCERNED.
BESIDES, YOU COULDN'T HELP IT.
SNOOPING IS AN INHERITED TRAIT.
IT'S IN OUR GENES.
YOU KNOW, RHO, IF YOU DO THA REAL GOOD, HE'LL NEVER KNOW.
- HE'LL KNOW.
- HOW'S HE GONNA KNOW? - I'LL TELL HIM.
- OH, THEN HE'LL KNOW.
- HIYA, BABE.
- HIYA.
HI.
- HOW YOU DOING? - SO FAR NOT SENSATIONAL.
- OH, YOU'RE STILL WORKING ON THA DRUG STORE WINDOW, HUH? - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M, UH, I'M USING THE MANNEQUINS FROM MY CHRISTMAS IN FOREIGN LANDS AND I'VE CHANGED IT TO HEADACHE, NEUROTICS, AND NEURALGIA AROUND THE WORLD.
FORGET IT.
IT'S AWFUL.
- YOU KNOW, WE JUST STARTED KNOCKING DOWN THAT CHURCH.
- YEAH? - AND THE MINISTER PUT UP THIS SIGN IN FRONT THAT SAYS, "GOD IS NOT DEAD, HE JUST MOVED TO 1313 WEST SIXTH STREET.
" HEY, I GOT YOU A SOUVENIR.
- YOU DID? - YEAH.
- HEY, DON'T YOU DIE IF YOU LOOT A CHURCH? - NO, IT'S OK, REALLY.
- WHAT ARE THESE? HONEY, THEY'RE LIKE BIG WOODEN MARBLES.
- THEY'RE BINGO BALLS.
- YEAH? - OH, MORE BILLS, HUH? - YEAH, YEAH, JOE.
- OH, BOY, EVERYBODY WANTS MONEY.
YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO HAVE AN UNLISTED MAILBOX.
- JOE, LISTEN.
- YEAH, WHAT? - OH, I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THA I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE DINNER YET.
- OH, THAT'S OK.
LISTEN, YOU WORKED ALL DAY.
LET ME THROW SOMETHING TOGETHER.
- OH, NO, I CAN' LET YOU DO THAT.
WHY DON'T WE GO OUT TO EAT? - HEY, YOU GOT A DEAL.
LET ME CHANGE, OK? - OK.
- WEXLER NORMAN, NORMAN.
YES, HELLO, IS THIS DR.
WEXLER'S OFFICE? OH, HIS EXCHANGE.
HMM.
MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.
OH, NO, NO, THIS IS NO EMERGENCY.
DON'T PUT ME THROUGH TO THE DOCTOR.
NO, UH, THE ONLY EMERGENCY IS THAT I FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR HE IS.
WELL, NO, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU SEE.
THAT'S--THAT'S, UH, BUT IF I DID HAVE A PROBLEM, WHERE IN MY BODY WOULD IT PROBABLY BE? ALL RIGHT, OK, LOOK, I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU.
THIS IS DR.
WEXLER'S MOTHER.
YES, AND I FEEL AS HIS MOTHER I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR HE IS.
HE NEVER SAID, NO.
NORMAN WAS ALWAYS A VERY QUIE AND SHY BOY AND I NEVER PRIED.
NEVER.
A PSYCHIATRIST.
OH, WAIT, MAYBE HE DOES SOMETHING ELSE ON THE SIDE, HUH? NO, NOT LIKELY.
YES, I SEE, OK, WELL, THANK YOU.
WHAT? OH, YES, HIS FATHER AND I ARE BOTH EXTREMELY PROUD.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- COME ON IN, RHO.
- HI.
- HI.
- BRENDA! - GOD SURE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW I SHOULDN' HAVE PRETENDED I WAS SICK 'CAUSE NOW I REALLY AM.
- OH, LISTEN, CAN I GE YOU SOMETHING? - NO, NO, IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT.
YOU KNOW, MA TOLD ME TO WRAP A WOOL SOCK AROUND MY NECK AND HOLD HONEY IN MY THROAT.
- YEAH.
LISTEN, THE WEIRD THING IS, THAT WORKS.
- I KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY.
WHAT ABOUT PANTYHOSE AND GRAPE JELLY? - LISTEN, I'LL MAKE YOU SOME HOT TEA.
- YOU AND JOE GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT? - YEAH, HOW DID YOU KNOW? - YOU'VE GOT GUM ON THE BACK OF YOUR PANTS.
- OH, NO.
- YEAH, I ALWAYS GET GUM ON THE BACK OF MINE IN THE MOVIES, TOO.
- HOW ABOUT THAT? I WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO PUT THE GUM UNDER THEIR SEATS LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO.
- SO, DID YOU ASK JOE ABOUT THE DOCTOR THING? - OH, BRENDA, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO, YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS GOING THROUGH THE BILLS.
THEN HE GETS TO THE DOCTOR'S LETTER AND HE QUICKLY PUTS I IN HIS POCKET LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE IT.
- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? - I ALREADY DID IT.
I CALLED UP DR.
WEXLER'S OFFICE AND I FOUND OUT WHAT HE IS.
- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? - A PSYCHIATRIST.
- OH, I AM SO RELIEVED.
- RELIEVED? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I THOUGHT JOE WAS SO, YOU KNOW, HEALTHY, SO NORMAL.
- A LOT OF HEALTHY, NORMAL PEOPLE GO TO PSYCHIATRISTS.
- YEAH.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE GO THAT YOU'D PROBABLY NEVER THINK WENT NOT EVEN IN A MILLION YEARS.
- LIKE WHO? - WELLLIKE ME.
- YOU WENT? WHY? - MA SENT ME.
- SHE DID? - YEAH.
BUT SHE DOESN' KNOW THAT SHE SENT ME.
- OH, OH.
WELL, ARE YOU STILL GOING? - NO, BUT ONE THING THAT THE SHRINK SAID REALLY HELPED ME.
HE SAID, AND I QUOTE, "PEOPLE ARE "THE ONLY ANIMALS THAT MAKE THEMSELVES SICK TRYING TO BE "SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT.
"TURKEYS DO NOT STRIVE TO BE EAGLES, NOR DO EAGLES STRIVE TO BE TURKEYS.
" - YOU NEEDED HIM TO TELL YOU THAT? - WELL, I'M NOT STRIVING TO BE AN EAGLE ANYMORE.
NOW I HAVE THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR OF THANKSGIVING.
- OH, RHO-- - WHAT? - LISTEN, DON'T GE YOURSELF UPSET ABOUT THIS.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
GOING TO A SHRINK THESE DAYS IS NOTHING.
- I KNOW THAT.
I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S A VERY COMMON THING.
EVERYBODY GOES.
YOU'RE ALMOST NO NORMAL IF YOU DON'T GO.
BUT WHY JOE? - HE'S HAD A LO OF PRESSURE LATELY, RHO.
YOU KNOW, THE BUSINESS AND EVERYTHING.
- NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
HE TALKS TO ME ABOUT ALL HIS BUSINESS PRESSURES.
I MAKE HIM TALK TO ME EVEN IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
IT'S ME.
I'M MAKING HIM CRAZY, AREN'T I? - NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- IT IS.
- IT'S ME-- - YOU'RE NOT, RHO-- - I'M DOING IT.
I AM.
- NO, YOU WAIT AND SEE.
- WHEN JOE IS READY, I'M SURE HE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
- I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA TELL ME SOMETHING TONIGHT.
RIGHT AFTER DINNER WE WEN TO THAT NEW INGMAR BERGMAN PICTURE, "SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE.
" OK.
THERE'S THIS PART WHERE THE WIFE BRINGS DIVORCE PAPERS TO THE HUSBAND FOR HIM TO SIGN, RIGHT? YEAH.
PERFECT, HUH? OK.
SO, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS PART JOE STARTS MAKING THESE SOUNDS, LIKE, UH [GASPING SOUNDS.]
- WOW.
RIGHT THERE IN THE THEATRE? - RIGHT THERE.
YEAH.
[GASPING SOUNDS.]
LIKE THAT.
LOUD.
SO, I REMEMBER HIM TELLING ME THAT HE GETS EMOTIONAL AND WHEN HE DOES, HE COUGHS.
- I FIGURE THIS IS IT.
- YEAH? - SO, I LEANED OVER AND I WHISPERED TO HIM, I SAID, "JOE, COME ON, LET IT OUT.
TELL ME.
WHAT IS IT? TRUST ME.
" - OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD.
WHAT DID HE SAY? - [COUGHS.]
I GOT A POPCORN PUFF STUCK IN MY THROAT.
[COUGHS.]
- JOE? - JUST A MINUTE.
- TAKE YOUR TIME.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHERE I FINALLY FOUND YOUR PAJAMA BOTTOMS THIS MORNING? - NO.
WHERE? - JUSTIN, I'M SO SORRY.
I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO JOE.
- YEAH, I FIGURED THAT.
- WHERE IS HE? I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM.
- OH, HE JUST CALLED.
HE SAID HE GOT HUNG UP ON A JOB AND HE TOLD ME TO ENTERTAIN YOU UNTIL HE GOT HERE.
- OK.
- BUT UNFORTUNATELY MY BANJO IS BEING TUNED TODAY.
- JUSTIN, YOU'RE TOO MUCH.
HEY, LISTEN, CAN WE TALK? - SURE CAN.
TALK ABOUT WHAT? - OH, I DON'T KNOW, BUSINESS, SPORTS, WHETHER YOU HAVE NOTICED, UH, JOE ACTING FUNNY LATELY - NO, I HAVEN'T, RHODA.
MATTER OF FACT, THE ONLY PERSON I'VE NOTICED ACTING FUNNY LATELY IS YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - YOU LOCKING THE DOORS AND STUFF.
- OH, WELL, I JUST DID THAT SO JOE DOESN'T WALK IN AND HEAR WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- OH, UM, I'M NOT QUITE SURE I WAN TO HEAR WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW.
- OH, LISTEN, DON'T GET NERVOUS.
THANK YOU.
I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION HERE.
JUSTIN, HAVE YOU NOTICED-- WELL, I MEAN, HAS JOE SEEMED TROUBLED LATELY? - HEY, RHODA, YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS POLICY.
I DON'T STICK MY NOSE INTO PEOPLE'S BUSINESS AND THEY DON'T STICK THEIR FIST INTO MY NOSE.
- JUSTIN, LISTEN TO ME.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO BETRAY A CONFIDENCE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I JUST FIGURE, YOU'RE AROUND HIM ALL DAY.
MAYBE THERE WAS SOMETHING THA HE SAID OR SOMETHING HE DID.
- LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WIFE.
YOU SEE, LATELY, DENISE HAS BEEN PUTTING ON WEIGHT.
NOW, I MEAN, PUTTING IT ON, HUH? AND I THINK MAYBE SHE'S PREGNANT BUT SHE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING, SO I DON'T ASK.
BUT I SURE HOPE SHE'S PREGNANT 'CAUSE SHE SURE IS GETTING FAT.
- NOW, YOU SEE, YOU SEE THERE? AS MUCH AS YOU WAN TO KNOW IF DENISE IS PREGNANT, THANK YOU, THAT'S HOW MUCH I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING JOE.
- YEAH, BUT SEE THE DIFFERENCE, RHODA, IS YOU CAN ASK JOE.
- I-- - WELL, I MEAN, JUST STOP AND THINK.
HOW WOULD IT SOUND IF I SAID, "LISTEN, DENISE, SWEETHEART, "LATELY I'VE NOTICED THAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING "A LITTLE PREGNANT AND I WANT TO KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE OR NOT?" NOW, IF SHE IS, THEN IT'S COOL.
BUT IF SHE AIN'T - RIGHT.
I GOTCHA, RIGHT.
[DOOR RATTLING.]
JUST A MINUTE.
- OH.
THERE.
- OH, HOW COME THE DOOR WAS LOCKED? - I WAS PRACTICING PRIVACY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE MY MOTHER WOULD COME BARGING IN.
- HEY, I'M SORRY THAT I'M LATE, BUT I GOT HUNG UP ON THE JOB AND I TELL YOU, I'M RUNNING BEHIND.
I DON'T THINK WE'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE LUNCH TODAY.
- OH, JOE, THAT'S OK.
I DON'T CARE ABOU LUNCH, YOU KNOW.
I REALLY JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
- WELL, CAN WE DO IT TONIGHT? - SURE.
- I'VE GOT TO WASH UP AND I-- - RIGHT.
- I WILL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
- OK, JOE.
RIGHT.
FINE.
JUSTIN? - HUH? - WHY DOES JOE LOCK THE DOOR? - RHODA, WHY IS DENISE GETTING FAT? - GOT YOU.
- HI, HUN! - HI, JOE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW, AFTER I SAW YOU TODAY - YEAH? - WELL, WE GOT THAT SMALL HOTEL JOB I WAS BIDDING ON.
- OH.
- IT CAME IN JUST IN TIME.
- OH, TERRIFIC.
- OH, YEAH.
- THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
SO, YOU'RE FEELING PRETTY OK, HUH? - OH, I'M FEELING GREAT.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
- NO PRESSURE? - NO.
- THEN LET'S HAVE A GLASS OF WINE, HUH? - OH, GREAT.
SO, TELL ME, WHA DID YOU DO TODAY? - OH, LET'S SEE, AFTER I LEFT YOUR OFFICE, I STOPPED BY THE LIBRARY, THEN I WALKED ALL THE WAY HOME.
AND, OH, I FINALLY CAME UP WITH AN IDEA, A GOOD IDEA, FOR THE DISPLAY AT SANSBURRY'S DRUG STORE.
NOW, ASK ME WHA I DID YESTERDAY.
- OK, WHAT DID YOU DO YESTERDAY? - I OPENED A DOCTOR BILL ADDRESSED TO YOU.
- I KNOW.
- WHAT? - WELL, YOU PUT THE BILL INSIDE OU WHEN YOU STUCK I IN THE ENVELOPE.
- AH, JOE, WHY DIDN' YOU SAY SOMETHING? - WELL, I FIGURED THAT YOU WOULD TELL ME, IF YOU WANTED TO TELL ME, WHY YOU OPENED IT.
I MEAN, I DON'T PRY.
- YOU SEE THAT, JOE, YOU'RE SO GOOD AND I'M SO ROTTEN.
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU RIGHT AWAY.
I'M SO SORRY.
REALLY.
YOU CAN READ MY MAIL.
I'LL LET YOU READ MY LETTER FROM MARY.
- I ALREADY DID.
- DID YOU? - YEAH, IT WAS UP ON THE SHELF.
OH, RHODA, LISTEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I MEAN, YOU READ SOMETHING THAT WAS ADDRESSED TO ME.
- YEAH.
- WHO CARES, HUH? - YEAH, AND WHO CARES IF WEXLER IS A PSYCHIATRIST.
- YOU KNOW? - JOE, LISTEN, I WAS SO WORRIED WHEN I SAW THAT THAT BILL WAS FROM A DOCTOR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME.
- I WAS.
- WHAT WERE YOU KEEPING FROM ME? NOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
PLEASE WANT TO.
PLEASE.
- OK.
OK.
IT WAS WHEN MY MARRIAGE TO MARIAN WAS BREAKING UP, WE DECIDED THAT WE SHOULD SEEK OUTSIDE HELP.
SO, WE WENT TO SEE AN OUTSIDER, DR.
WEXLER.
AND HE LISTENED TO OUR PROBLEMS AND HE SEEMED TO ZERO RIGHT IN ON THE MAJOR DIFFICULTY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
- WHICH WAS? - THAT WE WERE BOTH MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU AND WEXLER THINK ABOUT US? - WELL, I DIDN'T GO SEE HIM ABOUT US.
WELL, I MEAN, NOT JUST ABOUT US.
MAYBE ABOUT US.
- YEAH? - OH, THIS ISN'T EASY.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME? MY HANDS HAVEN'T SWEATED SO MUCH SINCE I TRIED OU FOR CHEERLEADER.
I WAS THE ONLY KID WHOSE POM-POMS RAN.
- YOU SEE, I JUST HAD TO TALK THINGS OUT WITH WEXLER.
- YEAH, LAST TIME YOU TALKED THINGS OUT WITH WEXLER YOU GOT A DIVORCE.
- WELL, HAVING BEEN THROUGH ONE BAD MARRIAGE, I HAD MY DOUBTS.
AND HERE I WAS FINDING MYSELF IN ANOTHER MARRIAGE, IN A GREAT MARRIAGE, AND I WAS JUST AFRAID THAT I WAS GOING TO BLOW IT.
- JOE, I THOUGHT IT WAS ME, MAYBE.
- WELL, DR.
WEXLER DID ALSO.
- HE DID? - WELL, HE LIKES ME.
NO, LOOK, I JUST HAVE TO ADMIT THAT IT'S NOT EASY TO ADJUST TO YOU.
YOU'RE SO GIVING.
YOU'RE SO AFFECTIONATE.
- I CAN CHANGE.
- LISTEN, I BEGAN TO THINK THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I COULDN' BE AS OPEN AS YOU WERE.
- OH, JOE, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHA I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.
THE FEARS, I MEAN, I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD DONE OR WAS DOING OR JOE, ARE YOU TELLING ME THA YOU WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT ME? - YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS SO, SURE.
- ARE YOU STILL GOING? - NO, NO, I JUST WENT TWICE.
IT SEEMED SILLY TO PAY HIM $50 AN HOUR JUST TO TELL HIM THAT I LOVE YOU.
- WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE, I HAVE AN HOUR FREE.
STEP INTO MY OFFICE.
- OK.
- REASONABLE RATES.
OK, WINE.
- OK.
- TERRIFIC HORS D'OEUVRES.
- RHODA? - YEAH, JOE.
- COME IN HERE A MINUTE? - HOW CAN I? THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
- TRY IT.
[WATER RUNNING.]
- WELL, SON OF A GUN.
- I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE I'M MAKING PROGRESS.
- YOU CERTAINLY ARE.
NOW, MAYBE THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A SHOWER YOU CAN DO I WITHOUT A BATHING SUIT.
VERY GOOD.