She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e20 Episode Script
Eclipse
(SIGHS) Are we out of the desert yet? You just don't appreciate what you're watching.
Lawrence 0fArabia is a classic motion picture.
The story of one man pitted against the epic grandeur of Sand.
Sand.
And more sand.
(SIGHS) Randi Leave me alone.
Come on.
it's time to get up.
Not unless there's a camel chase or a murder.
I can't promise the camel chase, but I can guarantee the murder.
Mine.
You got that right.
(GASPS) Oh.
Oh, indeed.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Saved by the full moon.
What a shame.
They were nearly at Aqaba.
Oh, God! No more classics.
Next time, it's Killer Space Slugs.
A cinematic masterpiece.
I'll save you SOm⬠pOpCOI'I'1.
On to Aqaba.
Ian? Ian, open up.
What's happening? A lunar eclipse.
How do you feel? Fine.
What do you think? I think this could mean that you get a vacation, if you're feeling all right, that ls.
I feel fine.
Believe me.
I mean, if I wasn't, I'd be a beast.
In all our research into werewolves, I've never, ever read anything about a lunar eclipse preventing a transformation.
Well, you've never read that it doesn't, either.
True.
So this calls for fresh popcorn and Killer Space Slugs.
Sounds delicious.
I'll handle the popcorn, you handle the slugs.
I'll do it.
(GROWLING) (GROANS) Taste it.
Mmm.
Perfect.
You know, now this is what I call an exciting evening.
(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV) Taste it.
Mmm.
Tell me about these slugs.
Killer slugs.
How do they kill? Suffocate you.
Really? (SCREAMING) Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Let me go! (DEEP VOICE) Weak vessel, you C3I'1I'1otdâ¬I'1y me.
(WHIMPERING) (NORMAL VOICE) Let me go.
When will you let me go? (DEEP VOICE) When all the Vershkomm are dead! Or you are.
(NORMAL VOICE) No! I will not help you! I will not help you! (DEEP VOICE) Then you will die.
Now! (SCREAMS) Let me help you.
Please.
No.
I'm being possessed by the spirit of a (DEEP VOICE) Warrior (NORMAL VOICE) From the planet Albondigas 4.
He was killed during a battle with (DEEP VOICE) The evil Vershkomm from the Snail nebula.
(NORMAL VOICE) But before he died, he managed to transport his essence into my brain.
And how do you feel about that? How do I feel about it? How do I feel about it? (DEEP VOICE) Death to the Vershkomm! May their blood run green over the nine moons of Pligowitzl (GASPS) (NORMAL VOICE) Please, can you cure me? Cure you? What an obsolete, negative concept.
There's nothing to cure.
The space you're in is a good space from which you can experience the totality of your beingness.
Are you saying I'm okay? You're okay.
Join us.
Let us help you actualize your self hood.
ILONA: Welcome.
Both of you.
The Paradise Institute provides a space where differently-abled persons can come to terms with their uniqueness.
By establishing meaningful dialogue with fellow beings in a non-threatening, positive, holistic growth community.
In layman's terms, what would you call that? A outhouse? ILONA: I know we're an easy target for jokes, Dr.
Mathe son.
You see, society still has a hangup about assimilating people whose lifestyles don't conform to its expected parameters.
Hmm.
And you thought Ilona Horton would be a dull guest speaker.
You know, I think she's one of the most thought-provoking speakers I've heard in months.
I agree.
You do? She makes me rethink some of my most basic beliefs.
Some women should wear bras.
(SIGHS) Say you run across a vampire.
You can drive a stake through its heart, Of you Cal'.]
Say "Have a nice day.
" Depending upon whether you want to kill the vampire or just torture it.
(BOTH LAUGH) Speaking of bras We're not.
Handy Andy's ratings doubled overnight.
Do you know why? I don't know, Channel 3 cancelled Hee Haw? Uh-uh.
Nlambos.
Nlambos? Boom-booms? Big bazoombasl Handy Andy has implants? No, Handy Andy has a co-host.
It's now Handy Andy and Dandy Bambi.
What a combo.
They're that good together? They are on her.
I hate you.
I loathe you.
I despise you.
Yeah, I want you too, but one of us around here has to maintain some professional ethics.
(CLEARS THROAT) So what do you say you scrap your ethics and let's just do it? So, behavior that some might consider evidence of mental illness, you treat as a unique expression of supernatural ability.
At the Paradise Institute, we allow gifted people to express their needs in an atmosphere of mutual acceptance and self-realization.
Hey, I don't blame you for being angry.
I mean, you're half the show, and he hogs all the glory.
You know, I think we ought to put you up there.
You know, get the serious feminine perspective on the issues.
And what better way to show off that feminine perspective than in skin-tight lingerie? (BOTH LAUGH) (GIGGLES) Gee, do you really think so? What? I'm sorry I got upset with you earlier.
I mean, won't you forgive me, please? No, I mean, sure.
You would? You will? I'll do anything you want.
(GASPING) I'll be right back.
Don't move.
We're not here to prove the existence of the supernatural.
We simply accept it.
We believe in our people, and we teach them to believe in themselves.
(GASPING) Do you love it? (EXCLAIMING) In this way, we create a non-hostile atmosphere of positive growth.
Ooh, it's you, babe! Ah, I see our next guest has just dropped in.
It's you, babe.
Oh, dear.
(HORN BLARING) (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) (SNARLING) (PANTING) Hey! Wait, Randi! (HUMMING) I'm home.
Ah, you seem to be feeling better.
For the moment.
Are you kidding? I feel so good having a month off from my curse that I felt like celebrating.
So, I did.
So I see.
I even got you something.
As long as it's not the same thing you gave to Skip.
Ta-da! Do you love it? Do you love me? Yes, on both counts.
Are you positive you're free from the curse this month? Yes! Look, no fangs.
No claws.
No clue.
(SIGHS) Tell me, haven't you noticed you've been acting a little strangely ever since the eclipse? (GROANS) I see what you're getting at.
These mood swings could be the symptoms of a delayed transformation.
We should You can't stand the fact that I'm free from my curse.
You feel threatened by it.
Threatened? Never.
I just think we should step into the cell and talk about it in there.
That's right.
Chain me up.
Keep me under your little thumb.
Right? That way, I'll always depend on you.
You know, I'm not even I'm just your little lap-wolf! And this self-righteous, patronizing attitude of yours makes me sick! Randi? (GROANS) You know, this is a dump! I'm gonna go somewhere else! Somewhere where I'll be appreciated for who I am! Randi, wait! I didn't want to lose control, especially not right in the middle of the senior prom, but everybody was laughing at me! And how did you feel about that? Awful! And then I remember what you said about not repressing my emotions, and I asserted myself, and they stopped laughing! Thank you for sharing that, Carrie.
We get in tune with ourselves by méfgihg OUT Sâ¬p3l'3tâ¬I'1â¬SSâ¬S.
It's an ongoing process of evolvement.
ILONA: Who else is in a good space for verbalizing feelings? (GRUNTING) I love each and every one of you.
By totally acceptlngu.
(DEEP VOICE) Me (NORMAL VOICE) You've helped me to realize that (DEEP VOICE) I am (NORMAL VOICE) Who I am.
And that's beautiful.
Wonderful.
I can't thank all of you enough.
(DEEP VOICE) And neither can I.
Does anyone else feel like expressing their oneness, their uniqueness, their essence? RANDI: (CLEARS THROAT) Well, I guess I do.
My name is Randi Wallace.
And, hmm I'm a werewolf.
(ALL APPLAUDING) I wish I could repress my inner self, my inner emotions, but every full moon, I have to be locked away.
Because if I'm not Randi, you're blocking.
Come on, Randi.
We're with you.
Because if I'm not, then I'll wake up someplace that I don't recognize, and I'll be too terrified to look at myself because there might be blood all over my hands.
Ew, gross.
Randi, I'm getting the feeling that you perceive your condition as a negative space, but if you will face your inner self by confronting it, you can learn to accept the totality of the gestaltl I don't want to accept it.
I want a cure.
That's only because society has conditioned you to reject your other, rather than understanding the validity of both sides of yOLll' OI'1â¬I'1â¬SS.
You think so? I used to feel like a freak because of my visions.
Ilona taught me to â¬mbl'3C⬠my pOWâ¬I'S.
Your visions? I'll show you.
She's doing it! I see I see a theater.
A private box.
I see a bearded man in a stovepipe hat.
it's the president! A stovepipe hat? Shh.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! He shot him! He killed him! Do something! WOMAN: Put them out.
He's dead.
President Lincoln is dead.
Yeah, for about a century.
Betsy has the gift of retrograde premonition.
Yeah, visions of the past.
Combined with a minor case of (DEEP VOICE) Involuntary pyrokinesis.
How interesting.
But not very useful.
Well, unless you wanna light a barbecue.
MAN OVER RADIO: He was sent to meet you in sector 5.
Thank you.
Now, remember.
You must learn to accept yourself for what you are and be high on yourself.
Like me.
I used to fight it, but then I came to realize that there's nothing wrong with wanting to (DEEP VOICE) Pillage and mutilate the Vershkomm slime-gorkins.
(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah.
So you see, Randi, it's okay to give in to your inner force.
It is? (GIGGLING) I mean, you wouldn't mind? RANDI: But I might kill someone.
ILONA: So why shouldn't you run free? You're a person too.
And if the so-called normal world can't deal with that, well then, let them chain themselves up every month.
ALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
I guess you're right.
Of course we're right.
Now say it loud, I'm a werewolf and I'm proud.
ALL: I'm a werewolf and I'm proud! Randi, it's time to end this charade.
Ian! What are you doing here? it's good to see you! Looking for you, of course.
How sweet.
Dr.
Mathe son, I never expected to see you at our little outhouse.
Everyone, this is Ian, who is heavily into the whole enhanced consciousness thing.
You may have grokked his TV show How Strange.
Believe me, he has a highly enlightened attitude toward the differently-abled and so I'm very pleased You're very chipper today.
I love this place.
In fact, I feel so good today, I love the whole world.
I can see.
But do you think it is wise to tell them about your curse? They like me.
They've accepted me for what I am.
Randi.
Hmm? It's time to go home.
There's something very wrong with you, although you do seem to have got a hold on yourself now.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
(GRUNTING) (PANTING) Then again.
(RANDI GROWLING) (SIGHS) Where is Miss Wallace? Oh, she's getting in touch with herself.
(RANDI PANTING) (GROWLING) Your friend is astonishing.
The totality of her essence is almost pure kundalini.
She is exactly the kind of person that this institute was built for.
Is she a Capricorn? No, she's my producer.
That's why she looked so familiar.
I probably saw her at the station.
She's also quite the skeptic.
(LAUGHING) Randi thought the Paradise Institute was a fraud, so she decided to go undercover and expose you all on the show.
She said she was going to make up some ridiculous story about, huh Being a zombie.
Or a werewolf? (SNARLING) (RANDI PANTING) (MUTTERING) But something so absurd, no sane person could possibly believe it.
Well, I told her it was a terrible breach of journalistic ethics, but You know these Capricorns.
Yes.
I think you should both leave.
Now.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Have a nice day.
(STRUGGLING) (NORMAL VOICE) I sense yOLll' 3ggl'â¬SSiOI'1, and it's a classic case of misplaced negative energy.
(DEEP VOICE) Don't talk to me about negative energy! (NORMAL VOICE) Look, I don't want to talk to you at all.
All l (GASPS) I'm sorry.
Where am I? And where's the main building? Oh, it's right down that trail.
(DEEP VOICE) The main building is over there.
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, are you blind? (DEEP VOICE) No.
Are you crazy? (NORMAL VOICE) No, it's around here somewhere.
I'm telling you, the main building is over there.
(DEEP VOICE) The main building is over there (NORMAL VOICE) Will you stop? You're really starting to annoy me BOTH: Hi.
Randi! Randi! Randi! Pardon me.
Wait a minute! Haven't I seen you before? Actually, we I'm getting a vision.
I can see it quite clearly now.
It was in the past.
It was in the â¬I'1COUI'1tâ¬I'Sâ¬SSiOI'1, today.
We met there.
Right.
I knew that.
Look, have you seen my friend Randi anywhere? I met her there, too, okay? Happy now? You maythink I'm a lunatic like Dirk, but I'm not a fraud.
You're lucky she missed you with that fire extinguisher.
Yes, I am.
It could have been See? I can look into the past.
Or through a keyhole.
All right.
You tell me now, what do you see? A microphone? Why yes, I know you see a microphone, but tell me, surely you can see something else? (SIGHS) I see I see a man, dark blue suit, mirrored sunglasses.
Who is he? I do visions, not biographies.
I see a brown door.
It's here, somewhere nearby.
Oh, my God! Did you see that? I take it that's the door.
I was just thinking about the door and whoosh! Can you believe it? Yes.
Well, listen.
I would appreciate it if you didn't think too much about me.
Thanks for your help.
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) I wish I could repress my inner self but every full moon, I have to be locked up.
Because if I'm not Because if I'm not, I'll wake up someplace that I don't recognize, and I'll be too terrified to look at myself because there might be blood all over my hands.
I urge you, please, let us go on.
Don't push it, lady.
You're lucky I let you go on living.
Do you have any idea how much money I've flushed down this toilet? And what the hell have I got to show for it? My name is Randi Wallace.
And, hmm I'm a werewolf Well, at least she isn't Elvis, or have you found me him too? Oh, you don't understand.
We're making such progress.
Everyone is finding themselves, people are actualizingl I don't give a damn about these people or you.
Now, what I want is results.
Where the hell are they, sweetcakes? MAN OVER RADIO: Red dog to base.
Perimeter break attempt, south wall.
Punch up bravo three.
(TYPING) (SNARLING) (SCREAMING) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (GROWLING) Congratulations! You just got your funding and your life expectancy extended.
And we just got ourselves a killer.
(GROWLING) (COUGHING) Seal off the camp.
No one gets out, except in a body bag.
Get the car.
All right.
RANDI: (SIGHS) Where am I? (WHISPERING) I have to talk to you.
No, you don't.
You don't understand.
This place is Being run by killers.
(DEEP VOICE) Vershkomm slime! I had a serious vision.
We're lucky the building's still standing.
Look, I need your help.
Well, you can count on the two of us.
The three of us.
(DEEP VOICE) Yeah, count me in.
We have to get out of here and find Randi before they do.
Easier said than done.
They have guns.
Yes, but I have you.
Come on this way.
Climb in.
Go! MAN OVER RADIO: Roger 1714, we have a (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Could I have a milk, please? My name's Toad.
Hi, Mr.
Toad.
How are you today? Fine.
You putting the move on my man? No, ma'am, lwasjust Don't lie to me! You want a piece of the big pie? I'm talking to you, slut! (ROARS) (WOMAN SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING) You call that a drink? Tastes like milk! What's this? (BOTH BURP) (BOTH LAUGH) Blue Dog to Top Dog.
Subject appears headed south over Route 40.
Over.
MAN OVER RADIO: Roger, Blue Dog.
We're on an intercept course.
Out.
Concentrate.
What do you see? I urge you, please, let us go on.
Don't push it, lady.
You're lucky I let you go on living.
Do you have any idea how much money I've flushed down this toilet? And what the hell have I got to show for it? I see cigarettes.
I see a lighter.
IAN: That's it.
Think about it.
Think about it very hard.
Why don't you check on that area, quadrant 11? The lighter.
Think about the lighter.
How'd I do? (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Splendidly.
Come on, let's go! IAN: We'll make our way under cover of darkness.
This is the tricky part.
it's still electrified.
Are you certain? BETSY: That was a guess, not a vision.
(DEEP VOICE) No problem, earthlings.
(NORMAL VOICE) What do you mean? (DEEP VOICE) All I need is a gram of zinc and a hairpin.
Do it! I suppose you've never built an Alukian transponder? (NORMAL VOICE) Well, actually (DEEP VOICE) You are dumber than the muckgerbils of Pinchuk! (NORMAL VOICE) Well, you know, I told you it is really bad karma to name-call.
(ALTERNATING VOICES) Apology! Accepted.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
A penny for his thoughts? A gram of zinc.
But pennies are copper.
They used to be.
Now they're 93% zinc and copper coated.
You'd be amazed what you can learn watching the Handy Andy show.
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) (DEEP VOICE) Well, isn't it obvious? Now I can heterodyne my alpha waves to the frequency of the fence.
(NORMAL VOICE) So what are we waiting for? (NORMAL VOICE) it's safe now.
(DEEP VOICE) So move your butts! MAN: There they are now! (GUNSHOTS FIRING) Think.
Which way did Randi go? (GUNSHOTS FIRING) (SCREAMING) Perimeter break.
Agent down.
They've escaped.
MAN OVER RADIO: Roger, sector 12.
Sending backup.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (CROWD CHEERING) All right.
Not bad, kid.
I think you dislocated my shoulder.
Big deal, you got another one.
Wanna go two out of three? How about rassling me, first? What you got in mind, stud? (CHUCKLES) Come on out back and I'll show you.
All right.
Nline.
(SPITS) Ugh! Thank you.
Oh, golly.
(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Unhand that woman! If it's convenient.
Ian? Help! This your woman? Yes, she is.
Okay.
I'll fight you for her.
If you insist.
(DOOR OPENS) That won't be necessary.
She's mine.
So much for happy hour.
What the hell kind of freak are you? I don't know.
See, now, I resent that! (DEEP VOICE) And you will die for your transgressions, anthrobile meebocitel No.
No, no, I'm one of the few people in this room who isn't getting killed tonight.
Ah, our tax dollars at work.
Well, what do you know? One of these guys still has a couple of brain cells working.
(CHUCKLES) This little lady is gonna prove to those pencil-pushing naysayers in DC that the CIA human resource office is no joke.
You're an employment officer? Minority recruitment.
But I was the first to recognize the true broader mandate, finding wackos with special abilities.
I was beginning to lose hope.
Wait, I'm getting a vision.
I see you meeting with someone.
it's Ilona Horton.
Of course it's Ilona Horton! You need a nutcake to attract more nutcakes.
They wouldn't come to me because You're giving Ilona a check.
A large check.
How would you like to be the first to die? I offered Horton full funding to set up and run the Paradise Institute.
Pretty soon, the agency would have noticed the drain, but then you turned up.
I don't feel very good.
Could we go now? No.
You're gonna make a great terminator.
I can see it now.
You can? I can't see anything.
Take the girl.
Kill the others.
Her first.
Think again, mate.
Empty yOLll' Wâ¬3pOI'1S and drop them down.
Who are you? Australian intelligence.
We've been waiting to see if you'd produce anyone.
The sheila comes down under with us.
Unload your weapons and toss them aside.
Ilona! But you're the head of the Institute.
I am also an agent for Swedish intelligence.
A mole! Yes.
We allowed you to fund the Paradise Institute knowing full well your intentions.
But what you didn't know is that we planned to take the fruits of the project for ourselves.
The Cold War's over.
Didn't anyone tell you? Well, we must do something to keep ourselves busy.
Damn, the operation's been compromised.
Ilona, I'm stunned.
(DEEP VOICE) Not me.
I suspected you all along.
I'm feeling hurt and betrayed.
And this negativity is Oh, shut up.
And you, you're coming with me.
I'm afraid not.
Don't be ridiculous, that's a fountain pen.
A fountain pen that uses compressed nitrogen to fire a miniature poison-tip dart.
Death comes within seconds.
Ifyou think I'm bluffing, try me.
Do we have one of those? And who are you working for? I am an agent working for the most secret spy organization in the world, the BLT.
I've never heard of the BLT.
Of course, you haven't.
That's how secretive we are.
And you've come for the verevolf? "The verevolf?" I laugh in your faces.
You're amateurs.
There is no verevolf.
She's not a vere Werewolf? I'm not a verevolf? Absolutely not.
The whole thing was a fraud developed by my organization for the sole purpose of making enemy spies reveal themselves, which, of course, you all did.
So, what happens now? IAN: I'm going to leave you to spy on one another.
Now that we know who you are, you pose no threat whatsoever to the BLT.
Come, Agent B-12.
We're leaving.
I'm amazed at how gullible you all are.
Surely, common sense should tell you there's no such thing as a (GROWLING) Werewolf.
She is a werewolf.
Get her! Let me share something with you.
(DEEP VOICE) Onward, Albondigansl Vanquish the Vershkomm! (RANDI GROWLING) Oh, my God.
(CLAMORING) (ROARING) (SIGHS) So, feeling actualized? (CAR HONKING) You're looking good.
I'm just glad you didn't lock your car.
Well, you never know when a beautiful naked woman might show up.
Where is everybody? I didn't Did I? No.
But I wouldn't go back for a drink at the Busted Clutch Saloon if I were you.
There's a group of people licking their wounds in the local jail who are swearing that you are a werewolf.
Imagine that.
(SIGHS) Well maybe now that I've gone through my full transformation, I'll be okay.
If you're okay, I'm okay.
You know what I feel like doing? Killer Space Slugs 27 How did you know? Hey, I grok yOLll' OI'1â¬I'1â¬SS.
(LAUGHS) IAN: I have a better Idea.
Let's rent Biggies.
It's about a British World War II flying ace who RANDI: No, no, no, no.
How about Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? It's about this psychopathic killer called Leatherface.
IAN: You have bad taste in movies.
RANDI: No.
I like movies that are in bad taste.
There's a difference.
Randi, maybe we should try and get Gary Walker for the next show.
No, he's a little too strange.
Yeah.
Betsy! Hey.
Where's Dirk? I don't know, but I found this in my mailbox.
"Greetings from the slime geysers of Rebulon, "where the muckgerbils frolic in the verdant pastures of Balendorf "and the six-breasted nymphs of Zontar dance with reckless abandon.
"Who knows where my wacky wanderlust will take me next? "Wish you were here, Dirk.
" An aluminum postcard? I never had an intergalactic pen pal before.
Well, how's my favorite person today? Feeling better? Ah, much.
Well, perhaps these will brighten your day, just as seeing you has brightened mine.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, I'm seeing something.
Oh, and here's a little something that says, "Hey, I respect you.
" I think he's turned over a new leaf.
I see a man.
He's holding A negligee.
Or crawled from under a new rock.
My treat.
it's strictly for home use.
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course, I think it's also appropriate for the office too, huh? I see him getting Punched! Oh, my God.
I did it.
I predicted the future.
(SKIP YELPING) (BLOWING) You know, I think we should actualize more often.
Lawrence 0fArabia is a classic motion picture.
The story of one man pitted against the epic grandeur of Sand.
Sand.
And more sand.
(SIGHS) Randi Leave me alone.
Come on.
it's time to get up.
Not unless there's a camel chase or a murder.
I can't promise the camel chase, but I can guarantee the murder.
Mine.
You got that right.
(GASPS) Oh.
Oh, indeed.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Saved by the full moon.
What a shame.
They were nearly at Aqaba.
Oh, God! No more classics.
Next time, it's Killer Space Slugs.
A cinematic masterpiece.
I'll save you SOm⬠pOpCOI'I'1.
On to Aqaba.
Ian? Ian, open up.
What's happening? A lunar eclipse.
How do you feel? Fine.
What do you think? I think this could mean that you get a vacation, if you're feeling all right, that ls.
I feel fine.
Believe me.
I mean, if I wasn't, I'd be a beast.
In all our research into werewolves, I've never, ever read anything about a lunar eclipse preventing a transformation.
Well, you've never read that it doesn't, either.
True.
So this calls for fresh popcorn and Killer Space Slugs.
Sounds delicious.
I'll handle the popcorn, you handle the slugs.
I'll do it.
(GROWLING) (GROANS) Taste it.
Mmm.
Perfect.
You know, now this is what I call an exciting evening.
(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV) Taste it.
Mmm.
Tell me about these slugs.
Killer slugs.
How do they kill? Suffocate you.
Really? (SCREAMING) Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Let me go! (DEEP VOICE) Weak vessel, you C3I'1I'1otdâ¬I'1y me.
(WHIMPERING) (NORMAL VOICE) Let me go.
When will you let me go? (DEEP VOICE) When all the Vershkomm are dead! Or you are.
(NORMAL VOICE) No! I will not help you! I will not help you! (DEEP VOICE) Then you will die.
Now! (SCREAMS) Let me help you.
Please.
No.
I'm being possessed by the spirit of a (DEEP VOICE) Warrior (NORMAL VOICE) From the planet Albondigas 4.
He was killed during a battle with (DEEP VOICE) The evil Vershkomm from the Snail nebula.
(NORMAL VOICE) But before he died, he managed to transport his essence into my brain.
And how do you feel about that? How do I feel about it? How do I feel about it? (DEEP VOICE) Death to the Vershkomm! May their blood run green over the nine moons of Pligowitzl (GASPS) (NORMAL VOICE) Please, can you cure me? Cure you? What an obsolete, negative concept.
There's nothing to cure.
The space you're in is a good space from which you can experience the totality of your beingness.
Are you saying I'm okay? You're okay.
Join us.
Let us help you actualize your self hood.
ILONA: Welcome.
Both of you.
The Paradise Institute provides a space where differently-abled persons can come to terms with their uniqueness.
By establishing meaningful dialogue with fellow beings in a non-threatening, positive, holistic growth community.
In layman's terms, what would you call that? A outhouse? ILONA: I know we're an easy target for jokes, Dr.
Mathe son.
You see, society still has a hangup about assimilating people whose lifestyles don't conform to its expected parameters.
Hmm.
And you thought Ilona Horton would be a dull guest speaker.
You know, I think she's one of the most thought-provoking speakers I've heard in months.
I agree.
You do? She makes me rethink some of my most basic beliefs.
Some women should wear bras.
(SIGHS) Say you run across a vampire.
You can drive a stake through its heart, Of you Cal'.]
Say "Have a nice day.
" Depending upon whether you want to kill the vampire or just torture it.
(BOTH LAUGH) Speaking of bras We're not.
Handy Andy's ratings doubled overnight.
Do you know why? I don't know, Channel 3 cancelled Hee Haw? Uh-uh.
Nlambos.
Nlambos? Boom-booms? Big bazoombasl Handy Andy has implants? No, Handy Andy has a co-host.
It's now Handy Andy and Dandy Bambi.
What a combo.
They're that good together? They are on her.
I hate you.
I loathe you.
I despise you.
Yeah, I want you too, but one of us around here has to maintain some professional ethics.
(CLEARS THROAT) So what do you say you scrap your ethics and let's just do it? So, behavior that some might consider evidence of mental illness, you treat as a unique expression of supernatural ability.
At the Paradise Institute, we allow gifted people to express their needs in an atmosphere of mutual acceptance and self-realization.
Hey, I don't blame you for being angry.
I mean, you're half the show, and he hogs all the glory.
You know, I think we ought to put you up there.
You know, get the serious feminine perspective on the issues.
And what better way to show off that feminine perspective than in skin-tight lingerie? (BOTH LAUGH) (GIGGLES) Gee, do you really think so? What? I'm sorry I got upset with you earlier.
I mean, won't you forgive me, please? No, I mean, sure.
You would? You will? I'll do anything you want.
(GASPING) I'll be right back.
Don't move.
We're not here to prove the existence of the supernatural.
We simply accept it.
We believe in our people, and we teach them to believe in themselves.
(GASPING) Do you love it? (EXCLAIMING) In this way, we create a non-hostile atmosphere of positive growth.
Ooh, it's you, babe! Ah, I see our next guest has just dropped in.
It's you, babe.
Oh, dear.
(HORN BLARING) (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) (SNARLING) (PANTING) Hey! Wait, Randi! (HUMMING) I'm home.
Ah, you seem to be feeling better.
For the moment.
Are you kidding? I feel so good having a month off from my curse that I felt like celebrating.
So, I did.
So I see.
I even got you something.
As long as it's not the same thing you gave to Skip.
Ta-da! Do you love it? Do you love me? Yes, on both counts.
Are you positive you're free from the curse this month? Yes! Look, no fangs.
No claws.
No clue.
(SIGHS) Tell me, haven't you noticed you've been acting a little strangely ever since the eclipse? (GROANS) I see what you're getting at.
These mood swings could be the symptoms of a delayed transformation.
We should You can't stand the fact that I'm free from my curse.
You feel threatened by it.
Threatened? Never.
I just think we should step into the cell and talk about it in there.
That's right.
Chain me up.
Keep me under your little thumb.
Right? That way, I'll always depend on you.
You know, I'm not even I'm just your little lap-wolf! And this self-righteous, patronizing attitude of yours makes me sick! Randi? (GROANS) You know, this is a dump! I'm gonna go somewhere else! Somewhere where I'll be appreciated for who I am! Randi, wait! I didn't want to lose control, especially not right in the middle of the senior prom, but everybody was laughing at me! And how did you feel about that? Awful! And then I remember what you said about not repressing my emotions, and I asserted myself, and they stopped laughing! Thank you for sharing that, Carrie.
We get in tune with ourselves by méfgihg OUT Sâ¬p3l'3tâ¬I'1â¬SSâ¬S.
It's an ongoing process of evolvement.
ILONA: Who else is in a good space for verbalizing feelings? (GRUNTING) I love each and every one of you.
By totally acceptlngu.
(DEEP VOICE) Me (NORMAL VOICE) You've helped me to realize that (DEEP VOICE) I am (NORMAL VOICE) Who I am.
And that's beautiful.
Wonderful.
I can't thank all of you enough.
(DEEP VOICE) And neither can I.
Does anyone else feel like expressing their oneness, their uniqueness, their essence? RANDI: (CLEARS THROAT) Well, I guess I do.
My name is Randi Wallace.
And, hmm I'm a werewolf.
(ALL APPLAUDING) I wish I could repress my inner self, my inner emotions, but every full moon, I have to be locked away.
Because if I'm not Randi, you're blocking.
Come on, Randi.
We're with you.
Because if I'm not, then I'll wake up someplace that I don't recognize, and I'll be too terrified to look at myself because there might be blood all over my hands.
Ew, gross.
Randi, I'm getting the feeling that you perceive your condition as a negative space, but if you will face your inner self by confronting it, you can learn to accept the totality of the gestaltl I don't want to accept it.
I want a cure.
That's only because society has conditioned you to reject your other, rather than understanding the validity of both sides of yOLll' OI'1â¬I'1â¬SS.
You think so? I used to feel like a freak because of my visions.
Ilona taught me to â¬mbl'3C⬠my pOWâ¬I'S.
Your visions? I'll show you.
She's doing it! I see I see a theater.
A private box.
I see a bearded man in a stovepipe hat.
it's the president! A stovepipe hat? Shh.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! He shot him! He killed him! Do something! WOMAN: Put them out.
He's dead.
President Lincoln is dead.
Yeah, for about a century.
Betsy has the gift of retrograde premonition.
Yeah, visions of the past.
Combined with a minor case of (DEEP VOICE) Involuntary pyrokinesis.
How interesting.
But not very useful.
Well, unless you wanna light a barbecue.
MAN OVER RADIO: He was sent to meet you in sector 5.
Thank you.
Now, remember.
You must learn to accept yourself for what you are and be high on yourself.
Like me.
I used to fight it, but then I came to realize that there's nothing wrong with wanting to (DEEP VOICE) Pillage and mutilate the Vershkomm slime-gorkins.
(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah.
So you see, Randi, it's okay to give in to your inner force.
It is? (GIGGLING) I mean, you wouldn't mind? RANDI: But I might kill someone.
ILONA: So why shouldn't you run free? You're a person too.
And if the so-called normal world can't deal with that, well then, let them chain themselves up every month.
ALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
I guess you're right.
Of course we're right.
Now say it loud, I'm a werewolf and I'm proud.
ALL: I'm a werewolf and I'm proud! Randi, it's time to end this charade.
Ian! What are you doing here? it's good to see you! Looking for you, of course.
How sweet.
Dr.
Mathe son, I never expected to see you at our little outhouse.
Everyone, this is Ian, who is heavily into the whole enhanced consciousness thing.
You may have grokked his TV show How Strange.
Believe me, he has a highly enlightened attitude toward the differently-abled and so I'm very pleased You're very chipper today.
I love this place.
In fact, I feel so good today, I love the whole world.
I can see.
But do you think it is wise to tell them about your curse? They like me.
They've accepted me for what I am.
Randi.
Hmm? It's time to go home.
There's something very wrong with you, although you do seem to have got a hold on yourself now.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
(GRUNTING) (PANTING) Then again.
(RANDI GROWLING) (SIGHS) Where is Miss Wallace? Oh, she's getting in touch with herself.
(RANDI PANTING) (GROWLING) Your friend is astonishing.
The totality of her essence is almost pure kundalini.
She is exactly the kind of person that this institute was built for.
Is she a Capricorn? No, she's my producer.
That's why she looked so familiar.
I probably saw her at the station.
She's also quite the skeptic.
(LAUGHING) Randi thought the Paradise Institute was a fraud, so she decided to go undercover and expose you all on the show.
She said she was going to make up some ridiculous story about, huh Being a zombie.
Or a werewolf? (SNARLING) (RANDI PANTING) (MUTTERING) But something so absurd, no sane person could possibly believe it.
Well, I told her it was a terrible breach of journalistic ethics, but You know these Capricorns.
Yes.
I think you should both leave.
Now.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Have a nice day.
(STRUGGLING) (NORMAL VOICE) I sense yOLll' 3ggl'â¬SSiOI'1, and it's a classic case of misplaced negative energy.
(DEEP VOICE) Don't talk to me about negative energy! (NORMAL VOICE) Look, I don't want to talk to you at all.
All l (GASPS) I'm sorry.
Where am I? And where's the main building? Oh, it's right down that trail.
(DEEP VOICE) The main building is over there.
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, are you blind? (DEEP VOICE) No.
Are you crazy? (NORMAL VOICE) No, it's around here somewhere.
I'm telling you, the main building is over there.
(DEEP VOICE) The main building is over there (NORMAL VOICE) Will you stop? You're really starting to annoy me BOTH: Hi.
Randi! Randi! Randi! Pardon me.
Wait a minute! Haven't I seen you before? Actually, we I'm getting a vision.
I can see it quite clearly now.
It was in the past.
It was in the â¬I'1COUI'1tâ¬I'Sâ¬SSiOI'1, today.
We met there.
Right.
I knew that.
Look, have you seen my friend Randi anywhere? I met her there, too, okay? Happy now? You maythink I'm a lunatic like Dirk, but I'm not a fraud.
You're lucky she missed you with that fire extinguisher.
Yes, I am.
It could have been See? I can look into the past.
Or through a keyhole.
All right.
You tell me now, what do you see? A microphone? Why yes, I know you see a microphone, but tell me, surely you can see something else? (SIGHS) I see I see a man, dark blue suit, mirrored sunglasses.
Who is he? I do visions, not biographies.
I see a brown door.
It's here, somewhere nearby.
Oh, my God! Did you see that? I take it that's the door.
I was just thinking about the door and whoosh! Can you believe it? Yes.
Well, listen.
I would appreciate it if you didn't think too much about me.
Thanks for your help.
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) I wish I could repress my inner self but every full moon, I have to be locked up.
Because if I'm not Because if I'm not, I'll wake up someplace that I don't recognize, and I'll be too terrified to look at myself because there might be blood all over my hands.
I urge you, please, let us go on.
Don't push it, lady.
You're lucky I let you go on living.
Do you have any idea how much money I've flushed down this toilet? And what the hell have I got to show for it? My name is Randi Wallace.
And, hmm I'm a werewolf Well, at least she isn't Elvis, or have you found me him too? Oh, you don't understand.
We're making such progress.
Everyone is finding themselves, people are actualizingl I don't give a damn about these people or you.
Now, what I want is results.
Where the hell are they, sweetcakes? MAN OVER RADIO: Red dog to base.
Perimeter break attempt, south wall.
Punch up bravo three.
(TYPING) (SNARLING) (SCREAMING) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (GROWLING) Congratulations! You just got your funding and your life expectancy extended.
And we just got ourselves a killer.
(GROWLING) (COUGHING) Seal off the camp.
No one gets out, except in a body bag.
Get the car.
All right.
RANDI: (SIGHS) Where am I? (WHISPERING) I have to talk to you.
No, you don't.
You don't understand.
This place is Being run by killers.
(DEEP VOICE) Vershkomm slime! I had a serious vision.
We're lucky the building's still standing.
Look, I need your help.
Well, you can count on the two of us.
The three of us.
(DEEP VOICE) Yeah, count me in.
We have to get out of here and find Randi before they do.
Easier said than done.
They have guns.
Yes, but I have you.
Come on this way.
Climb in.
Go! MAN OVER RADIO: Roger 1714, we have a (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Could I have a milk, please? My name's Toad.
Hi, Mr.
Toad.
How are you today? Fine.
You putting the move on my man? No, ma'am, lwasjust Don't lie to me! You want a piece of the big pie? I'm talking to you, slut! (ROARS) (WOMAN SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING) You call that a drink? Tastes like milk! What's this? (BOTH BURP) (BOTH LAUGH) Blue Dog to Top Dog.
Subject appears headed south over Route 40.
Over.
MAN OVER RADIO: Roger, Blue Dog.
We're on an intercept course.
Out.
Concentrate.
What do you see? I urge you, please, let us go on.
Don't push it, lady.
You're lucky I let you go on living.
Do you have any idea how much money I've flushed down this toilet? And what the hell have I got to show for it? I see cigarettes.
I see a lighter.
IAN: That's it.
Think about it.
Think about it very hard.
Why don't you check on that area, quadrant 11? The lighter.
Think about the lighter.
How'd I do? (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Splendidly.
Come on, let's go! IAN: We'll make our way under cover of darkness.
This is the tricky part.
it's still electrified.
Are you certain? BETSY: That was a guess, not a vision.
(DEEP VOICE) No problem, earthlings.
(NORMAL VOICE) What do you mean? (DEEP VOICE) All I need is a gram of zinc and a hairpin.
Do it! I suppose you've never built an Alukian transponder? (NORMAL VOICE) Well, actually (DEEP VOICE) You are dumber than the muckgerbils of Pinchuk! (NORMAL VOICE) Well, you know, I told you it is really bad karma to name-call.
(ALTERNATING VOICES) Apology! Accepted.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
A penny for his thoughts? A gram of zinc.
But pennies are copper.
They used to be.
Now they're 93% zinc and copper coated.
You'd be amazed what you can learn watching the Handy Andy show.
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) (DEEP VOICE) Well, isn't it obvious? Now I can heterodyne my alpha waves to the frequency of the fence.
(NORMAL VOICE) So what are we waiting for? (NORMAL VOICE) it's safe now.
(DEEP VOICE) So move your butts! MAN: There they are now! (GUNSHOTS FIRING) Think.
Which way did Randi go? (GUNSHOTS FIRING) (SCREAMING) Perimeter break.
Agent down.
They've escaped.
MAN OVER RADIO: Roger, sector 12.
Sending backup.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (CROWD CHEERING) All right.
Not bad, kid.
I think you dislocated my shoulder.
Big deal, you got another one.
Wanna go two out of three? How about rassling me, first? What you got in mind, stud? (CHUCKLES) Come on out back and I'll show you.
All right.
Nline.
(SPITS) Ugh! Thank you.
Oh, golly.
(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Unhand that woman! If it's convenient.
Ian? Help! This your woman? Yes, she is.
Okay.
I'll fight you for her.
If you insist.
(DOOR OPENS) That won't be necessary.
She's mine.
So much for happy hour.
What the hell kind of freak are you? I don't know.
See, now, I resent that! (DEEP VOICE) And you will die for your transgressions, anthrobile meebocitel No.
No, no, I'm one of the few people in this room who isn't getting killed tonight.
Ah, our tax dollars at work.
Well, what do you know? One of these guys still has a couple of brain cells working.
(CHUCKLES) This little lady is gonna prove to those pencil-pushing naysayers in DC that the CIA human resource office is no joke.
You're an employment officer? Minority recruitment.
But I was the first to recognize the true broader mandate, finding wackos with special abilities.
I was beginning to lose hope.
Wait, I'm getting a vision.
I see you meeting with someone.
it's Ilona Horton.
Of course it's Ilona Horton! You need a nutcake to attract more nutcakes.
They wouldn't come to me because You're giving Ilona a check.
A large check.
How would you like to be the first to die? I offered Horton full funding to set up and run the Paradise Institute.
Pretty soon, the agency would have noticed the drain, but then you turned up.
I don't feel very good.
Could we go now? No.
You're gonna make a great terminator.
I can see it now.
You can? I can't see anything.
Take the girl.
Kill the others.
Her first.
Think again, mate.
Empty yOLll' Wâ¬3pOI'1S and drop them down.
Who are you? Australian intelligence.
We've been waiting to see if you'd produce anyone.
The sheila comes down under with us.
Unload your weapons and toss them aside.
Ilona! But you're the head of the Institute.
I am also an agent for Swedish intelligence.
A mole! Yes.
We allowed you to fund the Paradise Institute knowing full well your intentions.
But what you didn't know is that we planned to take the fruits of the project for ourselves.
The Cold War's over.
Didn't anyone tell you? Well, we must do something to keep ourselves busy.
Damn, the operation's been compromised.
Ilona, I'm stunned.
(DEEP VOICE) Not me.
I suspected you all along.
I'm feeling hurt and betrayed.
And this negativity is Oh, shut up.
And you, you're coming with me.
I'm afraid not.
Don't be ridiculous, that's a fountain pen.
A fountain pen that uses compressed nitrogen to fire a miniature poison-tip dart.
Death comes within seconds.
Ifyou think I'm bluffing, try me.
Do we have one of those? And who are you working for? I am an agent working for the most secret spy organization in the world, the BLT.
I've never heard of the BLT.
Of course, you haven't.
That's how secretive we are.
And you've come for the verevolf? "The verevolf?" I laugh in your faces.
You're amateurs.
There is no verevolf.
She's not a vere Werewolf? I'm not a verevolf? Absolutely not.
The whole thing was a fraud developed by my organization for the sole purpose of making enemy spies reveal themselves, which, of course, you all did.
So, what happens now? IAN: I'm going to leave you to spy on one another.
Now that we know who you are, you pose no threat whatsoever to the BLT.
Come, Agent B-12.
We're leaving.
I'm amazed at how gullible you all are.
Surely, common sense should tell you there's no such thing as a (GROWLING) Werewolf.
She is a werewolf.
Get her! Let me share something with you.
(DEEP VOICE) Onward, Albondigansl Vanquish the Vershkomm! (RANDI GROWLING) Oh, my God.
(CLAMORING) (ROARING) (SIGHS) So, feeling actualized? (CAR HONKING) You're looking good.
I'm just glad you didn't lock your car.
Well, you never know when a beautiful naked woman might show up.
Where is everybody? I didn't Did I? No.
But I wouldn't go back for a drink at the Busted Clutch Saloon if I were you.
There's a group of people licking their wounds in the local jail who are swearing that you are a werewolf.
Imagine that.
(SIGHS) Well maybe now that I've gone through my full transformation, I'll be okay.
If you're okay, I'm okay.
You know what I feel like doing? Killer Space Slugs 27 How did you know? Hey, I grok yOLll' OI'1â¬I'1â¬SS.
(LAUGHS) IAN: I have a better Idea.
Let's rent Biggies.
It's about a British World War II flying ace who RANDI: No, no, no, no.
How about Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? It's about this psychopathic killer called Leatherface.
IAN: You have bad taste in movies.
RANDI: No.
I like movies that are in bad taste.
There's a difference.
Randi, maybe we should try and get Gary Walker for the next show.
No, he's a little too strange.
Yeah.
Betsy! Hey.
Where's Dirk? I don't know, but I found this in my mailbox.
"Greetings from the slime geysers of Rebulon, "where the muckgerbils frolic in the verdant pastures of Balendorf "and the six-breasted nymphs of Zontar dance with reckless abandon.
"Who knows where my wacky wanderlust will take me next? "Wish you were here, Dirk.
" An aluminum postcard? I never had an intergalactic pen pal before.
Well, how's my favorite person today? Feeling better? Ah, much.
Well, perhaps these will brighten your day, just as seeing you has brightened mine.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, I'm seeing something.
Oh, and here's a little something that says, "Hey, I respect you.
" I think he's turned over a new leaf.
I see a man.
He's holding A negligee.
Or crawled from under a new rock.
My treat.
it's strictly for home use.
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course, I think it's also appropriate for the office too, huh? I see him getting Punched! Oh, my God.
I did it.
I predicted the future.
(SKIP YELPING) (BLOWING) You know, I think we should actualize more often.