Single Parents (2018) s01e20 Episode Script
Raining Blood
1 Oh, hey! They're opening something new! The Karen Club.
- Aww, she sounds so nice.
- Yes! - Another woman-owned business.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, what do you think she's selling? - Uh, church hats? - Hmm Cardboard cutouts of Bravo characters? Bean bags? Books and wine.
Books and wine? That's our entire business! She's copying us! Maybe we should copy her back.
And how would that work, Miggy? Just keep doing our thang.
Ohh.
Wow.
That's deep.
Okay, you know what? There's room for everyone.
It's fine, and our regulars are very loyal, so - There they are! - What the hell? Fran, Bess, Lil! You're going to The Karen Club? I don't think they heard you.
Oh, they heard me.
And they can see me.
Hey! How's the wine over there, ladies? There's no way that you all got a call at the same damn time.
It could happen! Ooh It is a big deal the Winebrarians are going to The Karen Club.
They're our ringleaders.
They're directly responsible for our shift from Merlot to Syrah.
If I lose them, I'm ruined.
Screw The Karen Club.
They're not gonna give me free wine on my birthday.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Hold up, A-Game.
- When's your birthday? - I don't hate that nickname.
Her birthday's tomorrow.
- Your birthday is tomorrow? - Yeah.
And you are 29.
So that means hmm Let me just pull up my calculator on my i Tomorrow's your 30th birthday?! What are we gonna do?! Let's go through the categories alphabetically, all right? Atmosphere, balloons, cake, decor, eatin' dat cake Angie, he's going all the way to Z.
Stop him.
All right, look, we're not doing anything, all right? I'm just gonna order in with Owen.
- Mm-hmm.
Interesting.
- Will, no.
I can almost see what's happening inside your brain.
Little men in hard hats are clocking in with lunch pails, all set to work, work, work until Angie's 30th is a massive extravaganza.
You know, that's so funny.
That's what I see, too.
Little men in hard hats, like the Doozers from "Fraggle Rock.
" Oh, see, I do little ants in suits, always checking their watch, saying it's bug o'clock.
Well, bad news Angie won't let you celebrate her birthday.
Trust me.
I've spent years trying.
It's not you guys, all right? I'm just not into my birthday.
And the last time I tried to plan something was for my 21st.
I was supposed to go to Ozzfest, and then I ended up taking tequila shots, passed out, never made it out the door.
By the time I turned 22, I was pregnant.
Okay.
Okay.
Now peep this.
We do something big this year to make up for lost time! No, it's too late.
My 20s are a lost decade.
A-Aside from Graham.
You know.
You You get it.
Totally.
We love our kids.
Love of my life, my purpose for existing.
Yeah, a heart outside of our chest.
Et cetera.
You know, I guess I am a little bummed I never got to do all the quintessential 20s stuff that normal people do.
Like, I never shot at trophies with a shotgun from the back of a pickup truck.
That's "Varsity Blues," and it's about high school.
Never did the quintessential thing where you unexpectedly jump up on stage at a cathartic moment and start singing in front of a crowd with steadily increasing confidence.
Now, I can't tell if you don't know what people actually do in their 20s or if you don't know what the word "quintessential" means.
I was raising a kid.
I-I wasn't gallivanting around acquiring a whole network of friends who throw ragers.
I am quite happy entering my 30s the way I spent my 20s curled up on the couch, eating takeout Mexican.
And at least this time, I have a boyfriend.
- And a Netflix account.
- Yes! Um, it's my Netflix account.
You're borrowing it.
And how are you still watching "Lilyhammer"? I love Van Zandt, and I'm done apologizing for that! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to pee this out.
Okay, so, we're totally throwing her a party, right? - What?! - Come on.
We have to.
It's the last night of her 20s.
We can even do it here.
That could be good for business.
Well, I went to go scope out the competition, and now I can confirm that The Karen Club mimosas are bottomless.
So, the takeaway from this recon mission is that you're drunk.
- Yeah.
I-I was trying to help.
- Miggy, you're very sweet, but you're bad at helping, so I hate to do this, but you have to do that chant I taught you.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Never, ever help because my instincts are the leftover water from a hot dog bag! That's right.
Hey, Douglas, can I get your opinion on something? Hey, uh, y-you know what, kid? I-I got a lot on my plate today.
I got to get to my car, I got to unlock the car, I got to get in the car It's about the present I got for my mom's birthday.
It's a necklace.
Oh, very classy.
Sounds like you're on the right track.
I used a pasta that's small and structurally sound, just like my mom.
It's ditalini rigati.
Graham, I-I'm gonna be honest with you.
When we first met, I wasn't a fan.
But then, after a few years, well, you started to grow on me.
So, out of respect for our bond, I'm just gonna be straight with you your necklace stinks.
But I made it.
Yeah.
I-I can tell.
That's the thing.
See, you're a child, and children are bad at making things.
That's why I come to you, Douglas brutal truth.
What do I do? What do women want? Women want things that are bought at a store, that cost a lot of money.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I don't have money or transportation, so I guess I'm giving the most important woman in my life garbage for her 30th birthday.
Okay, look, drop the Willy Loman crap.
After school, I'll take you to the mall.
A-And don't ask to ride shotgun.
That seat's occupied by my dry-cleaning.
Yes! Okay, I'm just gonna come out with it.
It's another candle, and this one is unscented, which might make it worse - than my Christmas gifts.
- Mm-hmm.
But I didn't want to let any more of the day go by without celebrating your birthday.
Aww.
I love you.
Aww.
You rock.
You know, you never say it back.
Say what? Um, "I love you.
" Really? I feel like I say it all the time.
I love you.
My man.
I love you.
Damn, dawg, that's sick as fudge! I love you.
A-very nice! Wow.
I guess you're right.
God, I had no idea.
Should I just say it now? No.
No.
That's the only thing that would make it weirder.
I don't want you to say it until you're actually feeling it.
In the meantime, you do a pretty good Borat impression.
Right?! Don't you think it's time we brought that back? You know what else we should bring back? - Bane impressions.
- Ooh.
It's very fun to say "my wife," but with a Bane voice.
My wife.
Thank you for the candle.
I bought it from HomeGoods.
I never want to hear your real voice again.
Was that good? How can you all sit here knowing that there's a birthday party guest list currently missing our names? Because we're kids? Exactly right.
We're kids.
No one takes us seriously.
If we want to attend an adult party, we can either wait 15 years or - Fake I.
D.
s.
- I'll turn on the printer.
Wrong! We have to show them that we're sophisticated adults.
Do you know what that means? He's gonna say he has to write a play.
I have to write a play! We'll show it to the adults when they return, and they'll finally see us as peers.
All right! Now let's hear some ideas.
Really wish I hadn't have thrown my phone.
Wow.
Lots of piercings.
Will! This is what you call a small, tasteful soiree? Yeah, I got a little carried away.
I'm just trying to re-create the birthday that Angie missed - when she was supposed to go to Ozzfest.
- Mm-hmm.
- I booked a goat.
- Oh, did you? Yeah.
And the Hilltop parent-teacher band.
Fronted by Mark Rush! Oh, is that gonna be cool? Yes.
Mark and I are fine.
- He's wearing my blouse.
- Nice.
Devil test one.
Testing for the devil! Blood one, two! Okay.
Think that sounds good.
Oh.
Bess! Lil! Fran! Welcome back.
Uh, can I get you anything? Wine? Books? Gargoyles? What the hell's going on in here? Why is there a person drinking out of a skull? I am so sorry.
It's my friend Angie's 30th birthday.
It's fine.
We can just go to The Karen Club.
No, no, no, no! Don't go! Look, I promise we'll keep it civil and quiet.
She's here! Happy birthday! Oh, my God.
What is this? 'Cause I love it! Oh, my God! Did you do this? Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you did this.
This is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
Well you're welcome.
Let's hear it for Owen! Yeah! - Owen! Owen! - Wow! Owen! - Owen! - How'd you do it?! Owen! Owen! What's up, Angie's 30th Birthday Party?! We're The Lefty Desks, formerly known as Morning Announcements.
Will! Can you believe this? I can.
Not! I cannot.
Words cannot express how unbelievable this is.
God, it's amazing.
Can I tell you something? Owen's been telling me he loves me, but I haven't been able to say it back, and I didn't know why, but I think part of me was worried that he didn't get me.
Relationships are a spicy meat-a-ball! Go on.
Look around.
I mean, this is just a-amazing.
I didn't even know I wanted this party, but he did.
It's like he knows me better than I know myself.
Yep, that's Owen.
Oh, my God! He got Alice Cooper! Oh, no.
That's actually just Mark Rush in a wig.
- Oh.
- You go insane Speeding through my Choo choo veins That's uncanny.
And he also got corn chips! I love corn chips! Yes! I know.
- So, this is a department store.
- That's right.
The opportunities to find a gift for your mom here are endless.
But, alas, the department store days are numbered.
It's a beautiful relic, a-a noble dinosaur.
My favorite is triceratops.
Try to stay with me, Graham.
Dr.
Douglas.
Welcome back.
Thank you, Cathy.
Hello, Doctor.
Ah, Loraine.
Did you used to work here? No, no, I'm a dermatologist.
I'm like a celebrity to these people.
U-Uh, Charlene? Where did we go wrong, huh? Please, allow me to buy you something fancy.
- Who's the kid? - Oh, it's unimportant.
I'm Graham.
We're buying a gift for my mom.
I made her a pasta necklace, but Douglas told me it was trash.
And he was right.
He's paraphrasing.
You know, I bet your mom would've loved it.
I mean, not every woman needs something fancy.
What about you, Charlene? Huh? What do you need? Come on.
Let's get into it.
- But, Douglas - Okay, look, I'll tell you what.
Here's my credit card.
Go nuts.
Should we have a meet-up plan or something? Yes, look for the 6'8" man in the makeup section.
Okay? Thank you.
All right.
This may be the three Cabernets talking, but I hate reading.
You know? Oof.
They don't look happy.
Should I No.
Again, you shouldn't do anything.
What do we know about your instincts? Leftover water from a hot dog bag.
That's right.
You just keep serving them wine.
- I'll take care of the rest.
- Okay.
Poppy! Douglas took me shopping for my mom.
I think I nailed it.
Whoa, cowboy.
- Douglas! - Yeah, what the hell?! The netting seemed cool, and I like that there are feathers on it! You let him buy lingerie for his mom?! Of course I didn't let him buy lingerie! I gave him my credit card and I sent him off.
So, sorry, D'Amato, but you're going with the necklace.
I threw it away.
You said it was trash, so I put it in the trash.
- Hm.
- Never said that.
Well, looks like you're going dumpster diving.
Ow! Oh, God.
The goat's in the wine! Get the goat out of the wine! Hey, what's up, man? Hey.
Hey, so, listen, I just wanted to apologize, 'cause I know you planned this entire thing, and it is insane that I took credit for it.
I think I might be a sociopath.
I already texted my therapist.
Listen, tonight is not about me, so No, no, no.
No.
I know.
But I really am sorry, and I'm gonna tell Angie the truth.
Although I did throw a pretty awesome party.
Wait.
No, you threw the party.
Man, I really committed to this lie.
I gotta come clean.
Chips, chips, chips, chips, chips! No, no, you don't.
I mean, she's having such a good time.
So, how about this I'll fill you in on the plans for the rest of the night so that you can act like you came up with it.
Now, in 10 minutes, we're gonna be handing out gummy snakes so that people can bite the head off of them like Ozzy Osbourne did that one time, and then in an hour, we're bringing out the cake.
It's shaped like a bat heart.
W-What's a bat heart look like? Kind of like a regular heart, but smaller, but actually bigger, 'cause this is a cake.
- Got it.
- And then, at the end of the night, the band is gonna serenade Angie with her favorite song.
- "Blue (Da Ba Dee)"? - No.
That Eric Clapton song about cocaine? - You mean "Cocaine"? - Yeah.
No.
"Raining Blood" by Slayer.
Man! How do you know all this stuff? It's fine.
You're gonna do great.
Wow.
You really went for it.
No, man.
You really went for it.
Okay, last pitch.
We call it "I Object: A Woman's Journey Through Law: The D'Amato Story," an inspiring tale of a paralegal in a man's world.
I guess I don't have to like every play that has my name on it.
We've been pitching you ideas for an hour.
You haven't pitched any! My idea was the idea to do something! Now clear a space! We hear the heartbeat, crack of a baby's first cry, jump to her first kiss, flash forward to her law firm, intermission, meet Graham, meet future Graham, flashback to monologue from the womb, and curtain! Roses, roses, roses, New York Times goes crazy.
Okay, so, what do you think? Huh? Fine! I'll just do it myself! Hey.
I just tried the specialty cocktail.
Tomato D'Amato? A Bloody Mary with tequila? Genius! How did you think of it? Just sort of came to me.
Actually, um I can't keep taking credit.
No, don't be humble.
This party you threw is incredible.
And I just want to say Oh, God.
I love you.
We have to break up.
What? Let's hear it for Angie and Owen! Yeah! Get a room, you two! Whoo! You're breaking up with me? At my birthday party? That you planned? I didn't plan the party.
- What? - Look, I'm sorry.
I-I just sort of panicked and took credit.
You looked so happy, and I wanted to be the one that made you feel that way.
You do make me happy.
Yeah, but there's something missing.
That's why you couldn't say "I love you.
" And then when you did, it was for something that I didn't even do.
I did say it, though.
Yeah, but do you? Love me? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I should probably go.
Hey, Rory.
Are you okay? No! I'm blocked! The only thing that I've done on that computer is find the right level of zoom for my eyes.
What's worse is, I feel like I've let you all down.
I know you guys see me as a leader the wise one, nothing less than a god.
We said that? No, but just nod.
And I can't get this play done, which means they had a right not to invite us to the party.
Let's face it I'm a kid.
Is that so bad? We're kids, and we wrote a play.
There's even a part for you.
Welcome to our Emma, Amy, Sophie, and Rory Banks Production.
Hmm.
How big is my role? You play Graham.
The son, huh? Let me talk to my agent.
A-she said yes! Ladies.
So sorry I haven't checked in on you.
So, what are we talking about? Everyone, the bell has rung! It's time for another rock exam! That's it! We are going to The Karen Club.
W-W-W-Wait.
N Great.
We lost them! Wait.
Let me try something.
Give me a chance, okay? Hey, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Hey, hey.
Are you mad that the heavy metal is ruining your weird book club-type thing or whatever this is? Yeah! Yeah, but that's not all, is it? What else is making you mad? - Pay gap! - Childcare! That one part in "Becoming" where Michelle Obama says a U.
S.
sitting congressman made fun of her butt! Ladies, you don't need The Karen Club.
I think you need to rage! - Yeah! - Rock out that anger now! - Come on! Yeah! - Yeah! - Let's do this! - Go! Okay! Yeah! I cannot believe that worked.
Me neither.
Yeaaah! Hey, birthday girl.
Owen and I broke up.
What? Why? He told me he didn't throw this party.
Obviously, you did which I should've known.
Thank you for my party.
You're welcome.
I-I think I just wanted him to know me that well.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah.
Me too.
I just wanted you to have a good 30th.
You know, in spite of all of it, I think I did.
Mm.
Well, it's probably the power of Ozzfest, right? The concrete cauldron can't refuse me It's got to be the music.
Really gets inside of you.
Yeah, I know I'm changed.
You hate this music.
I don't love it.
There was 20 minutes where I thought I was kind of connecting with it, and then I realized the band was actually taking a break and I was just listening to a Hall & Oates CD.
Thank you! All right, we're gonna change tuning, and we'll be right back.
I'm sorry that you're starting your 30s single.
No.
You know what? I spent my 20s single, taking care of Graham, and I still managed to end up with a group of friends who love me enough to do this for me.
Technically, did a lot myself, but If anything, this birthday should be a celebration of that.
- Hear, hear.
- Mom? - Hi, sweetie.
- Here's your gift.
I made it, and I know it's terrible and covered in trash.
- I'm sorry.
- No, this is so good.
Graham, what on Earth would make you think this is bad? Douglas told me so.
Oh, don't look at me surprised.
You know who I am.
It's okay.
You're going to put it in a box with the seashell earrings I gave you that you never wore.
Look, sweetie.
I don't always wear the things you make, but I do love them.
And they're not bad because you made them.
They're amazing because you made them.
That's really nice, Mom.
But I still want to get you something that you'll actually wear.
We just need to exchange the lingerie I bought you.
What? - Oh, yes! - Yes! - Channeling their rage was a great idea.
- Word.
Miggy, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you really helped.
- Word?! - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you! - What is that on your wrist? Oh, it's a Karen Club scrunchie.
- Oh, it's a Karen Club scrunchie.
- It is, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Wha All right, we got one more song for you tonight, and it goes out to the birthday girl.
Hey, she's a woman! - Don't diminish her! - She's your equal! All right, one, two, three, four! This is my favorite song! I know.
Wait.
What time were you born? 10:30.
Why? You're technically still in your 20s, so there's still time to You know, do that thing where you go on stage during a cathartic moment and sing in front of a group of people - with steadily increasing confidence.
- No.
- No! - Do it! - No way! - Do it! I'm not going up there! No! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! I can't imagine this isn't gonna become embarrassing.
In purgatory A lifeless object alive Awaiting reprisal Death will be their acquiescence The sky is turning red Return to power draws near Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears Abolish the rules made of stone! That's my friend! She's beautiful.
That's my goat.
He's beautiful.
Thank you.
- Raining blood! - Raining blood! From the lacerated sky Bleeding its horror, creating my structure Now I shall reign in bloo-o-o-o-o-od! Yeah! I love corn chips! So, you want to exchange this teddy that your son bought you? That's right.
That happened.
Now can we please just move past it? Happy birthday, Mom.
I love it.
But it's missing something.
Now it's perfect.
Love you.
Oh, wait.
Sorry.
This never happened.
- Aww, she sounds so nice.
- Yes! - Another woman-owned business.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, what do you think she's selling? - Uh, church hats? - Hmm Cardboard cutouts of Bravo characters? Bean bags? Books and wine.
Books and wine? That's our entire business! She's copying us! Maybe we should copy her back.
And how would that work, Miggy? Just keep doing our thang.
Ohh.
Wow.
That's deep.
Okay, you know what? There's room for everyone.
It's fine, and our regulars are very loyal, so - There they are! - What the hell? Fran, Bess, Lil! You're going to The Karen Club? I don't think they heard you.
Oh, they heard me.
And they can see me.
Hey! How's the wine over there, ladies? There's no way that you all got a call at the same damn time.
It could happen! Ooh It is a big deal the Winebrarians are going to The Karen Club.
They're our ringleaders.
They're directly responsible for our shift from Merlot to Syrah.
If I lose them, I'm ruined.
Screw The Karen Club.
They're not gonna give me free wine on my birthday.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Hold up, A-Game.
- When's your birthday? - I don't hate that nickname.
Her birthday's tomorrow.
- Your birthday is tomorrow? - Yeah.
And you are 29.
So that means hmm Let me just pull up my calculator on my i Tomorrow's your 30th birthday?! What are we gonna do?! Let's go through the categories alphabetically, all right? Atmosphere, balloons, cake, decor, eatin' dat cake Angie, he's going all the way to Z.
Stop him.
All right, look, we're not doing anything, all right? I'm just gonna order in with Owen.
- Mm-hmm.
Interesting.
- Will, no.
I can almost see what's happening inside your brain.
Little men in hard hats are clocking in with lunch pails, all set to work, work, work until Angie's 30th is a massive extravaganza.
You know, that's so funny.
That's what I see, too.
Little men in hard hats, like the Doozers from "Fraggle Rock.
" Oh, see, I do little ants in suits, always checking their watch, saying it's bug o'clock.
Well, bad news Angie won't let you celebrate her birthday.
Trust me.
I've spent years trying.
It's not you guys, all right? I'm just not into my birthday.
And the last time I tried to plan something was for my 21st.
I was supposed to go to Ozzfest, and then I ended up taking tequila shots, passed out, never made it out the door.
By the time I turned 22, I was pregnant.
Okay.
Okay.
Now peep this.
We do something big this year to make up for lost time! No, it's too late.
My 20s are a lost decade.
A-Aside from Graham.
You know.
You You get it.
Totally.
We love our kids.
Love of my life, my purpose for existing.
Yeah, a heart outside of our chest.
Et cetera.
You know, I guess I am a little bummed I never got to do all the quintessential 20s stuff that normal people do.
Like, I never shot at trophies with a shotgun from the back of a pickup truck.
That's "Varsity Blues," and it's about high school.
Never did the quintessential thing where you unexpectedly jump up on stage at a cathartic moment and start singing in front of a crowd with steadily increasing confidence.
Now, I can't tell if you don't know what people actually do in their 20s or if you don't know what the word "quintessential" means.
I was raising a kid.
I-I wasn't gallivanting around acquiring a whole network of friends who throw ragers.
I am quite happy entering my 30s the way I spent my 20s curled up on the couch, eating takeout Mexican.
And at least this time, I have a boyfriend.
- And a Netflix account.
- Yes! Um, it's my Netflix account.
You're borrowing it.
And how are you still watching "Lilyhammer"? I love Van Zandt, and I'm done apologizing for that! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to pee this out.
Okay, so, we're totally throwing her a party, right? - What?! - Come on.
We have to.
It's the last night of her 20s.
We can even do it here.
That could be good for business.
Well, I went to go scope out the competition, and now I can confirm that The Karen Club mimosas are bottomless.
So, the takeaway from this recon mission is that you're drunk.
- Yeah.
I-I was trying to help.
- Miggy, you're very sweet, but you're bad at helping, so I hate to do this, but you have to do that chant I taught you.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Never, ever help because my instincts are the leftover water from a hot dog bag! That's right.
Hey, Douglas, can I get your opinion on something? Hey, uh, y-you know what, kid? I-I got a lot on my plate today.
I got to get to my car, I got to unlock the car, I got to get in the car It's about the present I got for my mom's birthday.
It's a necklace.
Oh, very classy.
Sounds like you're on the right track.
I used a pasta that's small and structurally sound, just like my mom.
It's ditalini rigati.
Graham, I-I'm gonna be honest with you.
When we first met, I wasn't a fan.
But then, after a few years, well, you started to grow on me.
So, out of respect for our bond, I'm just gonna be straight with you your necklace stinks.
But I made it.
Yeah.
I-I can tell.
That's the thing.
See, you're a child, and children are bad at making things.
That's why I come to you, Douglas brutal truth.
What do I do? What do women want? Women want things that are bought at a store, that cost a lot of money.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I don't have money or transportation, so I guess I'm giving the most important woman in my life garbage for her 30th birthday.
Okay, look, drop the Willy Loman crap.
After school, I'll take you to the mall.
A-And don't ask to ride shotgun.
That seat's occupied by my dry-cleaning.
Yes! Okay, I'm just gonna come out with it.
It's another candle, and this one is unscented, which might make it worse - than my Christmas gifts.
- Mm-hmm.
But I didn't want to let any more of the day go by without celebrating your birthday.
Aww.
I love you.
Aww.
You rock.
You know, you never say it back.
Say what? Um, "I love you.
" Really? I feel like I say it all the time.
I love you.
My man.
I love you.
Damn, dawg, that's sick as fudge! I love you.
A-very nice! Wow.
I guess you're right.
God, I had no idea.
Should I just say it now? No.
No.
That's the only thing that would make it weirder.
I don't want you to say it until you're actually feeling it.
In the meantime, you do a pretty good Borat impression.
Right?! Don't you think it's time we brought that back? You know what else we should bring back? - Bane impressions.
- Ooh.
It's very fun to say "my wife," but with a Bane voice.
My wife.
Thank you for the candle.
I bought it from HomeGoods.
I never want to hear your real voice again.
Was that good? How can you all sit here knowing that there's a birthday party guest list currently missing our names? Because we're kids? Exactly right.
We're kids.
No one takes us seriously.
If we want to attend an adult party, we can either wait 15 years or - Fake I.
D.
s.
- I'll turn on the printer.
Wrong! We have to show them that we're sophisticated adults.
Do you know what that means? He's gonna say he has to write a play.
I have to write a play! We'll show it to the adults when they return, and they'll finally see us as peers.
All right! Now let's hear some ideas.
Really wish I hadn't have thrown my phone.
Wow.
Lots of piercings.
Will! This is what you call a small, tasteful soiree? Yeah, I got a little carried away.
I'm just trying to re-create the birthday that Angie missed - when she was supposed to go to Ozzfest.
- Mm-hmm.
- I booked a goat.
- Oh, did you? Yeah.
And the Hilltop parent-teacher band.
Fronted by Mark Rush! Oh, is that gonna be cool? Yes.
Mark and I are fine.
- He's wearing my blouse.
- Nice.
Devil test one.
Testing for the devil! Blood one, two! Okay.
Think that sounds good.
Oh.
Bess! Lil! Fran! Welcome back.
Uh, can I get you anything? Wine? Books? Gargoyles? What the hell's going on in here? Why is there a person drinking out of a skull? I am so sorry.
It's my friend Angie's 30th birthday.
It's fine.
We can just go to The Karen Club.
No, no, no, no! Don't go! Look, I promise we'll keep it civil and quiet.
She's here! Happy birthday! Oh, my God.
What is this? 'Cause I love it! Oh, my God! Did you do this? Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you did this.
This is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
Well you're welcome.
Let's hear it for Owen! Yeah! - Owen! Owen! - Wow! Owen! - Owen! - How'd you do it?! Owen! Owen! What's up, Angie's 30th Birthday Party?! We're The Lefty Desks, formerly known as Morning Announcements.
Will! Can you believe this? I can.
Not! I cannot.
Words cannot express how unbelievable this is.
God, it's amazing.
Can I tell you something? Owen's been telling me he loves me, but I haven't been able to say it back, and I didn't know why, but I think part of me was worried that he didn't get me.
Relationships are a spicy meat-a-ball! Go on.
Look around.
I mean, this is just a-amazing.
I didn't even know I wanted this party, but he did.
It's like he knows me better than I know myself.
Yep, that's Owen.
Oh, my God! He got Alice Cooper! Oh, no.
That's actually just Mark Rush in a wig.
- Oh.
- You go insane Speeding through my Choo choo veins That's uncanny.
And he also got corn chips! I love corn chips! Yes! I know.
- So, this is a department store.
- That's right.
The opportunities to find a gift for your mom here are endless.
But, alas, the department store days are numbered.
It's a beautiful relic, a-a noble dinosaur.
My favorite is triceratops.
Try to stay with me, Graham.
Dr.
Douglas.
Welcome back.
Thank you, Cathy.
Hello, Doctor.
Ah, Loraine.
Did you used to work here? No, no, I'm a dermatologist.
I'm like a celebrity to these people.
U-Uh, Charlene? Where did we go wrong, huh? Please, allow me to buy you something fancy.
- Who's the kid? - Oh, it's unimportant.
I'm Graham.
We're buying a gift for my mom.
I made her a pasta necklace, but Douglas told me it was trash.
And he was right.
He's paraphrasing.
You know, I bet your mom would've loved it.
I mean, not every woman needs something fancy.
What about you, Charlene? Huh? What do you need? Come on.
Let's get into it.
- But, Douglas - Okay, look, I'll tell you what.
Here's my credit card.
Go nuts.
Should we have a meet-up plan or something? Yes, look for the 6'8" man in the makeup section.
Okay? Thank you.
All right.
This may be the three Cabernets talking, but I hate reading.
You know? Oof.
They don't look happy.
Should I No.
Again, you shouldn't do anything.
What do we know about your instincts? Leftover water from a hot dog bag.
That's right.
You just keep serving them wine.
- I'll take care of the rest.
- Okay.
Poppy! Douglas took me shopping for my mom.
I think I nailed it.
Whoa, cowboy.
- Douglas! - Yeah, what the hell?! The netting seemed cool, and I like that there are feathers on it! You let him buy lingerie for his mom?! Of course I didn't let him buy lingerie! I gave him my credit card and I sent him off.
So, sorry, D'Amato, but you're going with the necklace.
I threw it away.
You said it was trash, so I put it in the trash.
- Hm.
- Never said that.
Well, looks like you're going dumpster diving.
Ow! Oh, God.
The goat's in the wine! Get the goat out of the wine! Hey, what's up, man? Hey.
Hey, so, listen, I just wanted to apologize, 'cause I know you planned this entire thing, and it is insane that I took credit for it.
I think I might be a sociopath.
I already texted my therapist.
Listen, tonight is not about me, so No, no, no.
No.
I know.
But I really am sorry, and I'm gonna tell Angie the truth.
Although I did throw a pretty awesome party.
Wait.
No, you threw the party.
Man, I really committed to this lie.
I gotta come clean.
Chips, chips, chips, chips, chips! No, no, you don't.
I mean, she's having such a good time.
So, how about this I'll fill you in on the plans for the rest of the night so that you can act like you came up with it.
Now, in 10 minutes, we're gonna be handing out gummy snakes so that people can bite the head off of them like Ozzy Osbourne did that one time, and then in an hour, we're bringing out the cake.
It's shaped like a bat heart.
W-What's a bat heart look like? Kind of like a regular heart, but smaller, but actually bigger, 'cause this is a cake.
- Got it.
- And then, at the end of the night, the band is gonna serenade Angie with her favorite song.
- "Blue (Da Ba Dee)"? - No.
That Eric Clapton song about cocaine? - You mean "Cocaine"? - Yeah.
No.
"Raining Blood" by Slayer.
Man! How do you know all this stuff? It's fine.
You're gonna do great.
Wow.
You really went for it.
No, man.
You really went for it.
Okay, last pitch.
We call it "I Object: A Woman's Journey Through Law: The D'Amato Story," an inspiring tale of a paralegal in a man's world.
I guess I don't have to like every play that has my name on it.
We've been pitching you ideas for an hour.
You haven't pitched any! My idea was the idea to do something! Now clear a space! We hear the heartbeat, crack of a baby's first cry, jump to her first kiss, flash forward to her law firm, intermission, meet Graham, meet future Graham, flashback to monologue from the womb, and curtain! Roses, roses, roses, New York Times goes crazy.
Okay, so, what do you think? Huh? Fine! I'll just do it myself! Hey.
I just tried the specialty cocktail.
Tomato D'Amato? A Bloody Mary with tequila? Genius! How did you think of it? Just sort of came to me.
Actually, um I can't keep taking credit.
No, don't be humble.
This party you threw is incredible.
And I just want to say Oh, God.
I love you.
We have to break up.
What? Let's hear it for Angie and Owen! Yeah! Get a room, you two! Whoo! You're breaking up with me? At my birthday party? That you planned? I didn't plan the party.
- What? - Look, I'm sorry.
I-I just sort of panicked and took credit.
You looked so happy, and I wanted to be the one that made you feel that way.
You do make me happy.
Yeah, but there's something missing.
That's why you couldn't say "I love you.
" And then when you did, it was for something that I didn't even do.
I did say it, though.
Yeah, but do you? Love me? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I should probably go.
Hey, Rory.
Are you okay? No! I'm blocked! The only thing that I've done on that computer is find the right level of zoom for my eyes.
What's worse is, I feel like I've let you all down.
I know you guys see me as a leader the wise one, nothing less than a god.
We said that? No, but just nod.
And I can't get this play done, which means they had a right not to invite us to the party.
Let's face it I'm a kid.
Is that so bad? We're kids, and we wrote a play.
There's even a part for you.
Welcome to our Emma, Amy, Sophie, and Rory Banks Production.
Hmm.
How big is my role? You play Graham.
The son, huh? Let me talk to my agent.
A-she said yes! Ladies.
So sorry I haven't checked in on you.
So, what are we talking about? Everyone, the bell has rung! It's time for another rock exam! That's it! We are going to The Karen Club.
W-W-W-Wait.
N Great.
We lost them! Wait.
Let me try something.
Give me a chance, okay? Hey, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Hey, hey.
Are you mad that the heavy metal is ruining your weird book club-type thing or whatever this is? Yeah! Yeah, but that's not all, is it? What else is making you mad? - Pay gap! - Childcare! That one part in "Becoming" where Michelle Obama says a U.
S.
sitting congressman made fun of her butt! Ladies, you don't need The Karen Club.
I think you need to rage! - Yeah! - Rock out that anger now! - Come on! Yeah! - Yeah! - Let's do this! - Go! Okay! Yeah! I cannot believe that worked.
Me neither.
Yeaaah! Hey, birthday girl.
Owen and I broke up.
What? Why? He told me he didn't throw this party.
Obviously, you did which I should've known.
Thank you for my party.
You're welcome.
I-I think I just wanted him to know me that well.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah.
Me too.
I just wanted you to have a good 30th.
You know, in spite of all of it, I think I did.
Mm.
Well, it's probably the power of Ozzfest, right? The concrete cauldron can't refuse me It's got to be the music.
Really gets inside of you.
Yeah, I know I'm changed.
You hate this music.
I don't love it.
There was 20 minutes where I thought I was kind of connecting with it, and then I realized the band was actually taking a break and I was just listening to a Hall & Oates CD.
Thank you! All right, we're gonna change tuning, and we'll be right back.
I'm sorry that you're starting your 30s single.
No.
You know what? I spent my 20s single, taking care of Graham, and I still managed to end up with a group of friends who love me enough to do this for me.
Technically, did a lot myself, but If anything, this birthday should be a celebration of that.
- Hear, hear.
- Mom? - Hi, sweetie.
- Here's your gift.
I made it, and I know it's terrible and covered in trash.
- I'm sorry.
- No, this is so good.
Graham, what on Earth would make you think this is bad? Douglas told me so.
Oh, don't look at me surprised.
You know who I am.
It's okay.
You're going to put it in a box with the seashell earrings I gave you that you never wore.
Look, sweetie.
I don't always wear the things you make, but I do love them.
And they're not bad because you made them.
They're amazing because you made them.
That's really nice, Mom.
But I still want to get you something that you'll actually wear.
We just need to exchange the lingerie I bought you.
What? - Oh, yes! - Yes! - Channeling their rage was a great idea.
- Word.
Miggy, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you really helped.
- Word?! - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you! - What is that on your wrist? Oh, it's a Karen Club scrunchie.
- Oh, it's a Karen Club scrunchie.
- It is, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Wha All right, we got one more song for you tonight, and it goes out to the birthday girl.
Hey, she's a woman! - Don't diminish her! - She's your equal! All right, one, two, three, four! This is my favorite song! I know.
Wait.
What time were you born? 10:30.
Why? You're technically still in your 20s, so there's still time to You know, do that thing where you go on stage during a cathartic moment and sing in front of a group of people - with steadily increasing confidence.
- No.
- No! - Do it! - No way! - Do it! I'm not going up there! No! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! I can't imagine this isn't gonna become embarrassing.
In purgatory A lifeless object alive Awaiting reprisal Death will be their acquiescence The sky is turning red Return to power draws near Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears Abolish the rules made of stone! That's my friend! She's beautiful.
That's my goat.
He's beautiful.
Thank you.
- Raining blood! - Raining blood! From the lacerated sky Bleeding its horror, creating my structure Now I shall reign in bloo-o-o-o-o-od! Yeah! I love corn chips! So, you want to exchange this teddy that your son bought you? That's right.
That happened.
Now can we please just move past it? Happy birthday, Mom.
I love it.
But it's missing something.
Now it's perfect.
Love you.
Oh, wait.
Sorry.
This never happened.