The Cool Kids (2018) s01e20 Episode Script

1 You're probably wondering why I'm not having dinner with y'all.
Honestly, I think that's the biggest dinner I've ever seen you have.
This is a pre-dinner, post-lunch snack.
This is "dunch.
" And I'm eating light because John is in my place right now cooking us a very special dinner.
He said he had something big to ask me.
[GASPS.]
I bet he's gonna propose.
Oh! [SINGSONGY.]
: Sid's gonna get married.
What? - Shut up! - Oh, come on.
He's crazy about you.
He's fixing a special meal.
He has something important to ask you.
- Hello! - I'm sorry, but didn't I tell you to shut up? It's way too soon.
We've only been together six months.
And we've only had sex 182 and a half times.
What was the half time? - It was just good for me.
- [MARGARET GROANS.]
- Stop.
- [CACKLES.]
Why are you so afraid of commitment? - Stop eating.
Go back to your - No, no, no, no, no, no! Uh-uh.
I am not taking dating advice from a woman who's tricking a guy into dating her.
What's this, now? Well, it's this new guy I've been seeing.
His name is Richard, and he went to Harvard, which, I've got to admit, was kind of a turn-on.
So, when he asked me where I went, I just kind of blurted out Yale.
It's just it was a tiny little casual first date lie.
Tiny? Ha.
You didn't even go to college.
You went to Avis Rent-A-Car front desk girl training school.
And you didn't even graduate! All right, I really like this guy.
He's smart, he's sophisticated, and no offense, you guys, but it's kind of nice to hang out with someone who has lived a successful life.
Listen up, everyone.
I, Hank Henderson, do hereby bequeath to you my worldly possessions.
To you, Charlie my beloved football phone.
Oh Now, when you answer you say, "I'm open.
" They won't get it, but you will.
Oh, Hank, I love it, but but what's going on? What, y'all didn't hear? I'm dying.
And to you, Sid I give you my cherished Anquan Boldin jersey.
Oh, thank you, Hank.
I will never wear this.
And last, to my dearest Margaret.
I give you these.
'Cause, uh women be shopping.
Mm.
Well, I'm insulted, but I do need hangers.
Uh, does this have anything to do with that scary little mole you had tested? My doctor was supposed to call me by 5:00 p.
m.
Friday with the results.
It is now Friday 5:02.
This is an outrage! Look, just call me up and tell me I'm dying.
Hank, you are fine.
Don't let that quack spin you out.
That guy's the worst.
Just like all these doctors, all they really care about is money and sunglasses.
Quick question: what? Our doctor stole my damn sunglasses.
I left them in the lobby, and then I'm told, "Oh, they're not in lost and found.
" Well, they should check his stupid face.
I can't not know my results the whole weekend.
I'll have a heart attack.
[WHEEZES.]
I want a big funeral, y'all.
Give me the works.
Oh, Hank.
Settle down.
Just stop by my place.
I'll give you a couple of Xanax.
Oh, sure.
Let's just throw pill addiction into the mix, huh? No, no.
Screw that.
You know, doctors can't treat people like this.
We're going down to his office.
Yes, it is time to take a stand.
Yes, a stand against sunglass thievery.
[LAUGHING.]
: You told him you went to Yale.
[LAUGHS.]
[CACKLING.]
I think what, uh, Fitzgerald was ultimately trying to say is that class is a an illusion.
Now, wouldn't you agree? - Totally.
- Hmm.
Yeah, it's like, "Where are you, class?" [CHUCKLES.]
"Here, boy.
Yoo-hoo.
Class!" But it's not there.
Because it's an illusion.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- You know, his full name was F.
Scott Fitzgerald, so Uh Boy.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm really slumming it - with you tonight.
- What? What do you mean? Why do you say that? Well, y-you know, because, uh I'm dating a Yalie.
Oh, yeah, right.
Big ol' Yale head here.
[CHUCKLES.]
And you went to Harvard.
So, you're jokingly saying that Yale is below Harvard, which I guess makes me pretty angry.
[GROWLS.]
[LAUGHS.]
You are so cute when you get angry.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should see me at the post office.
You know, I have no problem with Harvard being under Yale tonight, if you catch my drift.
Oh, your drift has been caught.
- Mm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You're talking about doing it, right? Oh, my God, John.
My friends had the craziest theory that tonight, you were gonna Oh, damn it.
What's wrong? Did you dunch? Yep.
That's the problem.
I brunched, lunched and dunched.
Maybe we scratch dinner and just watch a movie.
In silence.
Maybe one of those rom-coms where people get married, it just ruins their lives.
I made a paella.
I've been planning this for days.
[CHUCKLING.]
: For days? John, who plans a dinner for days? I'm dating a psychopath.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should be committed.
Unless you're afraid of commitment, which I am not.
[LAUGHS.]
Can we just sit down and enjoy this dinner? [JOHN CHUCKLES.]
Now I'm kind of nervous.
But there's something that I [EXHALES.]
- really want to ask you.
- Wait.
Uh need to wash your hands.
Can't eat dinner with dirty hands.
What, were you born in a barn? Actually, I was.
Um, the way Papa tells it, Mama was milking a cow when the first Just wash your friggin' hands! And when you come back you can ask me whatever it was [VOICE BREAKING.]
: that you wanted to ask me.
I have got to get out of here.
Hell yeah.
Damn.
Everybody's gone home.
Now how am I gonna see my results? Well, lucky for you, I brought this brick.
Charlie, we're not gonna throw a brick through the glass door.
What if it sets off the alarm? Well, then we can use the brick to smash the alarm.
Well, another way we could use the brick would be We're not using the brick.
Or are we? All right, I'm out of ideas.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good evening.
Um, I locked my brick in the office, and I don't have my keys.
[CHUCKLES.]
You guys doctors? BOTH: Yes.
Can't be too careful.
Told you the brick would work.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Positive.
" Well, what the hell does that mean? Is this a good positive or a bad positive? All right, no sign of my sunglasses, so I took this stethoscope as collateral.
Charlie, can you read this? All I can make out is "positive.
" Oh, well, that's great.
Uh, positive is good, isn't it? I mean, is it? What if I tested positive for something bad? Oh, my heart is going crazy.
Oh, let me listen.
Good Lord, man.
You've got no heartbeat at all.
Say, brother.
Look at this.
My man.
Can you read this? I thought you guys were doctors.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just, uh, looking for a-a third opinion.
Well it says here positive, so this dude's gonna die.
You hear that, Charlie? He said I'm gonna die.
Hank, he's the janitor.
He doesn't know.
I prefer custodial engineer.
All right, there's got to be another way to figure this out.
- Uh - [PANTING.]
: Charlie.
I want white doves at my funeral.
If your cheap ass tries to paint pigeons white, I will haunt you.
Wait a minute, Hank.
I got the doctor's home address right here.
Why don't we just go to his house and ask him? My man.
- Now you thinking.
- Yeah.
Let's go get my damn sunglasses back.
[HANK CHUCKLES.]
[MARGARET AND RICHARD LAUGHING.]
- Here we are.
- Oh, wow.
Where are my keys? They're probably under my library card s.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- I have several.
- Yeah.
Well, should we just make love right out here - in the hallway? - Oh.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Richard.
- This isn't Princeton.
- [LAUGHING.]
: No.
Oh! Hi, y'all.
I'm just hiding out from my boyfriend.
I hope that's cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have company, Sid.
Oh, well, don't mind me.
I'll put my headphones on.
Y'all just go to town on each other! Get buck! Sid, come here, would you? Richard, will you excuse me for a moment while I speak to my extremely unwelcome friend? Sure.
I'll just read this - US Weekly? - Oh, that.
That's a joke subscription.
It was a prank from a fellow Yalie.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh, yeah.
- Hillary Clinton.
- Ugh.
Sid, that hot hunk of Harvard man over there who is reading about Kylie Jenner's butt secrets is about to get done.
By me.
Go away.
I can't, Margaret.
You were right, okay? John is about to propose.
I just need to buy a little time till he goes to work at 9:00.
You will not even know I'm here.
[KITCHEN TIMER CHIMES.]
What, did you cook something? No, I want to navigate the most stressful situation of my life without popovers.
It's time for you to leave.
Is it? Or is it time for Richard to find out about Little Miss Rent-A-Car dropout? Oh, you wouldn't.
Oh, but I would.
Don't test me, woman.
[RINGING DOORBELL.]
Open up, McCormick! We know you're in there! Charlie, if this is a bad positive, I want you to call Seal.
Have him sing at my funeral.
Naturally, I want him to sing "Kiss from a Rose.
" If you could get him to sing "Kiss from a Hank," - that'd be ideal.
- [CHARLIE SIGHS.]
But I hear he's very possessive of his lyrics.
- [RINGS DOORBELL.]
- Come on, McCormick, open up! Who the hell are you two? Don't be alarmed, ma'am.
We don't have a brick.
Why would you say that? That is super alarming.
Um, we're your husband's patients.
We need to talk to him about something very important.
It's a matter of life and death.
And sunglasses.
He's not here.
- He's working late at the office.
- No, he's not.
We were just there.
There's no one but a weird custodial engineer.
Wait, what? That lying, cheating bastard.
He promised me his secretary was the last one.
You know what? I'm done.
This marriage is over! Yeah, well, you seem to have a lot on your plate.
But real quick, can you read your husband's handwriting? Look, the man is a coward.
If he didn't call you by 5:00, it's probably pretty bad.
So, third date, second location.
Things must be going well.
I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.
- Uh - You don't have to answer his questions.
He was just about to leave, anyway.
Margaret, would you sing the Yale fight song for us? I forgot how it goes.
Well, Sid, if I sing the fight song, I'm afraid that I might want to fight! Uh, you know, I think I'm gonna head out.
Yeah, Richie, that might be for the best.
There's a lot going on here.
Richard, stay.
Sid, this is insane.
You can't hide here forever pounding popovers.
If you think John is moving too fast, just tell him that.
Be an adult.
Damn it.
You're right.
I have been a child.
John is my partner.
We can rationally discuss this.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
JOHN: Margaret, it's John.
- Is Sid in there? - [SID SCREAMS.]
Oh! Oh! He is relentless! He's trying to propose to me! Richard, do something! I was never here.
[SID YELLING.]
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Everything's getting banged around here except me.
JOHN: Did I just hear Sid screaming? Well, Margaret, it's been fun.
Well, not really.
Dinner w-was fun.
But since then, - it's gotten really weird! - [MARGARET SIGHS.]
You know what? Just let me get rid of these guys, and then you and I are gonna play the most exciting Harvard-Yale game yet.
[CHUCKLES.]
You feel me? Yep.
[GROWLS.]
- Hi.
Is Sid here? - Nope.
Catch you later.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Son of a bitch loves to knock on the door, doesn't he? All right, all right.
But if it comes up, I went to Yale.
Okay.
See? Sid's not here.
I followed a trail of paella to your apartment.
And I smell popovers.
That can't all be a coincidence.
Uh, I just made a batch because Richard here loves 'em.
- I don't love popovers.
- You do.
You love popovers.
Say that you love popovers.
- Say it! - I-I Margaret, I'm gonna take you up on that Xanax Dr.
McCormick? - Hank? - Wait, so you're their doctor? Yes.
He's my most annoying patient.
Can I get an answer on Sid?! - He's in the bathroom.
- He's in the bathroom.
What are you doing here? He's on a date with me.
Well, that's weird, 'cause we were just at his house and talked to his wife.
Your what? - You talked to my wife? - Ooh! Hearing you say "wife" makes me think you have one.
Well, he does.
For now.
- She's very angry.
- [MARGARET GROANS.]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- [STAMMERING.]
: Just calm down.
Calm down? I'm gonna punch you in the head.
I'm gonna punch him in the head first.
Dr.
McCormick, you got to tell people that they're dying.
If you don't and they steal their files from your office, you got to make those records more clear so they know what their results are.
There's no one in the bathroom! Oh, you're still here? Go look again.
He's small.
Maybe you missed him.
Is Sid here or not?! [WOOD CREAKING.]
Margaret didn't go to Yale.
JOHN: Sid, what the hell were you doing in the ceiling? I wanted to surprise you? I can't believe you lied to me about going to Yale.
I lied to you? You're married.
And, apparently, he's banging his secretary, too.
Look, I've already said I'm sorry.
No, you haven't.
Everybody shut up! You said you were gonna call me, and you didn't.
Am I good positive or bad positive? I left you a voice mail.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
Damn phones.
Your tests came back clean.
They did? - Yes.
- Thank God.
You saved my life.
Cancel Seal, Charlie.
I'm gonna live forever.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Margaret, this man is a keeper.
He's married.
Oh, I wasted a lot of time studying for our dates.
Get out of here.
Gladly.
Oh, not so fast, bub.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Ooh.
- Just as I thought.
Go home and fix your marriage, you quack bastard.
SID [CHUCKLES.]
: Ugh! Some people, am I right? Welp, I got to go get some shut-eye.
JOHN: Sid.
Why do you keep running away from me? What's going on? The truth.
I knew you were gonna propose to me, - and I just lost it.
- What? Propose? No, I I booked a three-month gig in Hawaii, and I-I wanted you to come.
I already bought the tickets.
Oh, my gosh, Hawaii.
Yeah.
I was wrong.
Egg on my face.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be so much fun.
When are we going? You thought I might propose to you, and it caused you to crawl around in Margaret's ceiling? Like a miniature Bruce Willis? I don't think that's a good sign.
Do you? Well, nothing that a three-month stint in Hawaii can't fix.
Aloha, John.
Aloha, Sid.
Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause it means "good-bye," too.
Oh, that's rough, buddy.
I'm sorry.
But if it makes you feel any better, I look awesome in these, don't I? Well, Sid, maybe you'll find love again.
Or maybe you won't.
What do I care? I got my life back! Margaret, how am I gonna fix this John-shaped hole in my heart? Oh, sweetie.
We'll figure it out.
Right after you fix the Sid-shaped hole in my ceiling.
How did you get up there, anyway? Oh, it was easy.
I crawled up on the sink, and then I just pulled myself up in the ceiling.
Here, come on.
I'll show you.