The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e20 Episode Script

[knocking on door]
Coming, Lisa!
Excuse me, ma'am?
Did you order the white meat?
Hey, Drew!
What's with the ribbon?
You kidding, it's
the first time we can date
without fear of
losing our jobs.
I now declare this relationship
officially open!
Hello!
Later on, Noelle Beck, from
the daytime soap "Loving"
will be here to sign
autographs and then you'll have
all the soft-serve
you can handle.
[chuckling]
Soft-serve, huh?
I thought that was just
because you were drinking.
Well, then I should--
Hmm, aw, man..
Now I'm out of soft-serve.
[laughing]
(Kate)
'Is that my mother?'
- Happy birthday, Kate!
- 'Yeah.'
She sounds stressed.
Is she okay about us having
dinner with her mom tonight?
Actually, she's handling
it pretty well.
Hey! Bet you can't
ignite just one!
Ah!
Sorry. Just killing mom
before time gets here.
I mean, killing mom
before time gets here.
I'm just killingmombefore
timegets here. There we go!
Yeah.
[laughing]
Oh.
And what are you laughing
at, McGigglepuss?
I'm sorry.
Is it Soviet housewife day?
My mom gave me these clothes.
If I don't wear 'em
on every birthday
I hear about it
for the next 10 years.
Thanks. Oh, by the way.
Do not mention that
I have a boyfriend.
What, Jay's not coming?
No way, I am too
serious about him
to introduce him to mymother.
[knocking on door]
That's her! I am not here!
- Oh, come on, Kate.
- No, I am sick! I can't!
My grandma died!
I'm having my period!
My alarm didn't go off!
I was caught in traffic!
I was on a plane to Chicago.
Hi, mommy!
Hi, honey!
Happy birthday!
- Hey, Drew!
- Hi.
Oh, look, I see one
new year's resolution
that made a trip
to Baskin Robbins.
And while I was there,
I picked up my new girlfriend.
Mrs. O'Brien, this is Lisa.
Oh, so you're the lucky
girl who landed Drew?
No, actually I just fed him
once and he followed me home.
So, how's my little
birthday girl?
Great. I'm doing bad at work
and I'm not seeing anyone.
Kate, your life's a disaster.
But, at least you look great.
Yeah. Alright.
I wouldn't be surprised
if it's another sweater.
Happy birthday!
Ooh! I hope this is the
one that lands me a man!
Hey, uh, you know, as
long as you're here
why don't I get you
my receipts
so you can help me get
started on my taxes?
Receipts? Aren't we growing up?
Well, this is a step up.
Last year, you kept your
receipts in a chicken bucket.
- Drew, these are warranties.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Coupons, two for
one specials, big ideas
things that kinda look like
arrow heads.
Oh!
Oh, there you are,
you naughty, naughty boy.
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Got her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath your
silvery light ♪
We're going bowling ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So, you guys doin'
your taxes or..
Yep, and I have figured
out a way to take
the granddaddy of
all deductions.
Iam gonna become
Oswald's legal guardian.
Hey, are you crazy?
You can't adopt an adult.
If you could, I would have
adopted Anna Nicole Smith
years ago, and raised her right.
Au contraire..
All I have to do is prove
that Oswald is incompetent.
[scoffs]
Who's crazy now?
[chuckles]
Certainly not Lewis.
- Hey, guys!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- So, what's up?
Lewis, is gonna become
my legal guardian.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
You know, uh, Kate,
it'd be great
if your mom could help us
pull this off.
Oh, nice thing to
say about a woman
who has been institutionalized
for the last 20 years.
What are you talking about,
institutionalized?
Drew and Kate went out to
dinner with her last night..
Oh!
Why don't you get
daddy a Jägermeister?
Okay.
So, what is this?
You don't want me
to meet your mom?
You know, if you're
embarrassed of me
just come right out
and say it.
I think she just did. Ow!
I'm just trying to protect you.
My mother thinks I'm attracted
to all the wrong men.
She'll be looking to find
any little fault in you.
Relax. Moms love me.
They always have.
First off, they're women,
and I'm.. Well, I'm me.
Plus, I'm polite,
I'm hard working, I'm stable--
Yeah, Kate. You finally met
a guy you can take home to mom.
What's not to like?
I'd lose the earring.
I'd take the hair down an inch.
Hmm. And how about a skosh
more room in those jeans?
Believe me, it's not
the jeans. It's the skosh.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
So, what do you say, Kate?
Can I meet her?
Alright. To prove how much
I love you, we'll go.
But just have Oswald
kick you in the skosh.
It'll feel like you met her.
[upbeat music]
Ah. That's my boy.
[all laughing]
Hey, Mrs. O'Brien.
That was a great meal.
What was the name of
that soup again?
- I told you already.
- But we forgot.
[sighs]
Cockle stew.
[laughing]
- 'What stew?'
- Cockle, cockle, cockle.
What are you? 13?
Ah, look, let's get
back to my taxes.
Now, do you think there's
any way we can prove
that Oswald's mentally
incompetent?
I think it would be harder
to prove that he's not.
- We're gonna be rich! Wooh!
- Wooh!
You know, there are
other ways to get rich.
You could use
your God-given talents.
Oswald. You used to play
the piano so beautifully.
And Lewis, whatever happened
to your poetry?
I'm still a poet.
Wanna hear a limerick with
the word "Cockle" in it?
[laughing]
Anybody like
an after dinner drink?
- Yeah.
- Sure. I'll have one.
Oh, really? Would you
like the whole bottle?
Mrs. O'Brien, perhaps
the brightest ray of sunshine
that you're daughter's
brought into my life
is that I no longer
have to drink alone.
You know, you might as well
take the bottle now.
[Lewis laughing]
Hey, uh, here, let me give
you a hand cleaning up.
No. Sit down.
Boy, you're well trained.
- Mother or ex-wife?
- A little of both.
Well, those things happen.
So, how long you been divorced?
Uh, it's been a while,
about four months.
Huh. Hey! Do you guys
wanna see my room?
Mom kept it exactly
how I left it.
It's like I'm dead.
- Wow!
- Wow!
[sighs]
Hey, Drew? Give me a hand
with the dishes.
- Yeah, but Jay offered--
- Drew!
Yes, Mrs. O'Brien.
So, what do you think of Jay?
He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
Actually, he scares
the life out of me.
No, Oswald's the one
with the curly hair.
Drew, the guy
just got divorced.
He'll latch on to any woman
who pays him attention
because he misses
having a wife.
And then, when he realizes
how much fun it is to be
single again, he'll move on.
You know her.
He's gonna break her heart.
No, he won't. I've known
him since high school.
Really? So, what was
he like in high school?
Uh, he broke a lot of hearts.
But, you knowpeople change.
I mean, Jay's
not gonna hurt her.
Why? Because he's your friend?
No. There's, uh, secret
reasons. Can't tell 'ya.
- Drew!
- Bye! Gotta go!
Look me in the eye.
Do you really have
a secret reason?
No.
Do you wanna see Kate
get hurt again?
No.
Are you the one that painted
pubic hair on my garden gnomes?
[clattering]
No. I mean, Yes.
So, you'll talk to Kate?
Yeah. I'll-I'll talk to her.
[instrumental music]
Hey, guck master.
Hi, Mimi. Say, uh, anyone ever
mistake you for a woman?
I'll have you know
that men find me--
Yeah, I know, they find
you with the lights out
or they find you
at last call or..
they find you blocking
the view of the woman
they wanna hit on.
Oh, you're really on today.
I'll come back later.
[clears throat]
Been waiting six months
for that set up.
- Hey, Kate!
- Hey!
I've been looking all over
for you, you know, I had a..
had a little talk
with your mother yesterday.
About what?
Oh, you know, the city dump.
Dump trucks. When Jay's gonna
dump 'ya. Nuclear dumping.
Dump dada dump dada
dump tum tum.. ♪♪
Damn it! I don't believe her!
Look, she just got me
concerned, you know?
Uh, Jay's just
coming off a divorce.
I mean he's a good friend
and a nice guy
but, you know,
heison the rebound.
Alright. What are
you trying to say?
That I'm not worthy
of having a nice guy
become seriously
interested in me?
- No.
- Is that it?
Do you want me
to prove it to you?
Don't do anything crazy.
Look! Here comes Jay now.
He's probably gonna
prove us both wrong.
And he's smiling. He's..
He's happy Jay coming
to talk to happy Kate.
Uh, Kate, bad news.
I can't make it Saturday night.
Um, I got an out of state move
but it won't be long.
It's just some guy
who's moving out
while his girlfriends at work.
Oh! Some guys are such cowards.
Excuse me.
Okay if I come with?
I mean, it'd be a great
chance to sit and talk.
Sure, I'd love to
have you along, Kate.
I'm just guessing what
you're gonna say. Go ahead.
But I don't have room
in the cab.
Yeah, but you'd have room
if your life depended on it
wouldn't you, buddy?
Hear what I'm saying?
Fire in the hole!
Drew, relax.
Jay and I are just having
a little conversation
about a trip.
So, after this trip, how long
do you see us being together?
Wow.
I don't know. My ex-wife asked
me that once and I said forever.
Well, and that
didn't last, so..
- Forever.
- Um-hm.
So, that's the level of your
commitment? Forever?
Well, I'd go beyond that
but that's not
scientifically possible.
Oh! You and your facts.
Kate, don't push me.
I'm not ready for this.
Jay, I want you to
tell me where you think
this relationship
is going? Now!
[sighs]
Jesus. Fine. I'm outta here.
Jay! If you don't come back
right now you can keep walking.
Oh, he'll be back any second.
Look. Here he comes.
Ah, he's bluffing. He's gone.
[sighs]
I blew it, Drew.
So, uh, who are you
mom-mad at?
Mum-me or would you
mother not say?
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Hello, Lynn.
I am bringing all
these clothes back
and I want my pony!
Honey, what's wrong?
[sighs]
You know what's wrong.
You used my best friend to try
to break up my relationship.
I just wanted Drew
to warn you.
You haven't listened to me
since you were 10 years old.
You can't keep interfering
with my life.
I only sent Drew because
I was worried about you.
Worried about what?
Jay is the most wonderful man
I have ever met in my life!
Fine, if you want me to,
I'll-I'll meet him again
and get to know him better.
You can't. He left me.
I'm sorry. It'll be okay.
[sighs]
Only there was some way
that we could
anticipate these things.
Oh, yeah! I guess we could
listen to our mother.
[groans]
Can't you ever stop?
Not when I see you making
the same mistake over and over.
And the perfect guy
is right under your nose.
What are you talking about?
Drew. Have you ever thought
about dating him?
You know, your father
was my best friend.
We were very happy.
You're right.
You know, I should call
Drew right now
and see if he wants to
start a relationship.
'Cause it's the end
of the world
and my mom's been chugging
cough syrup again!
No, I never thought
about dating Drew.
In the first place,
Drew's in a relationship.
In the second place,
Drew'sDrew!
So, what's the matter?
He's too stable?
He's got too good of a job?
- Oh, he treats you too nicely?
- Yeah.
You know, I think you better
stop looking at the guys
with the tightest butts
and start looking at Drew.
Hey, I'm sure Drew's butt
is plenty tight.
[sighs]
Ugh! Now you have me
thinking of Drew's butt.
Just for that,
grammy's legs.
Katiegrammpy's
weepy eye.
You're just.. No.
[instrumental music]
Hey, anybody want
another drinky-poo?
- Yeah.
- Who the hell are you?
What are you doing in
my rumpus room?
[laughs]
I think we're fine.
[laughing]
Hey! How's the adoption
coming along?
Stupid Oswald passed
the competency test.
Thank you,
normal functioning adult.
That's Dr. Normal
Functioning Adult to you, sir.
[all laughing]
And how're you hanging
in there, tiger?
Fine. Why wouldn't I be?
- Men are slime.
- Amen to that, sister!
Besides, it is stupid Jay.
I promised myself I am not
gonna cry over that loser.
Alright.
Besides, I can have any man
in this bar, am I right?
- Hey, ssh!
- Woo! Woo!
- Hey, hey!
- She's been drinking.
And I know there's not
a man in this bar
that would take advantage of
a woman who's been drinking.
- I have a gun.
- I have a gun!
Hey, we still got time.
Let's get a few more pitchers.
- Yo!
- Wait! Hold! Wooh!
You and Lewis don't have to work
first thing in the morning
but me and Kate do.
We're calling it a night.
Oh, you giving up, you big baby?
Fine. Go home and crawl
into your rubber sheets.
- I'm staying.
- So am I.
[Kate laughing]
Hey, honey!
They got "Kiss From A Rose."
No! Not "Kiss From A Rose."
That was Jay and my song.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you gonna be okay?
Well, if you mean by okay
am I gonna weep uncontrollably
curl into a fetal position?
Then sure, I'll be okay.
Oh, man.
Hey, listen, pal.
Listen, uh, my friend's
just going through
a little bit of a
rough time there, you know?
If you play that song,
it's just gonna 'bout kill her.
[scoffs]
That's my girl's song.
And I'm going to
Bosnia tomorrow.
I'm planning
on proposing to her
right in the middle
of the song.
[Kate sobbing]
Look, there's plenty other
romantic songs on the thing.
Look, there's uh,
"Dude Looks Like A Lady"
"Free Bird."
Uh, "Cop killer.."
Listen, man, I'm playing
the Seal song
so get out of my face.
Whatever, dude. Oh, I'm sorry.
[clattering]
Hey! You know I'm an idiot.
Of course you have every right
to play that song for your girl.
And you know what?
- It's on me.
- Aww.
Drew! You saved my life. Oh!
- You know what?
- Huh?
Jay and I don't even
have a song.
[chuckles]
We have a color.
Don't let him play "Red."
So, what song are we
gonna be listening to
for the next half hour?
I don't know.
Whatever K-9 is.
[dog barking "Jingle Bells"]
[instrumental music]
Are we there yet?
I told you. We got a flat
tire twenty minutes ago.
But, the cab's still moving.
I made a deal with the guy.
He's not charging us
for the spinning.
(Kate)
'Oh!'
Drew, thanks for driving
around with me and talking.
Oh, that's alright, you know,
if we get home right now
we'll still have 15 minutes
to cling to our beds
before we have to go to work.
Yeah.
Woof woof woof.. ♪♪
Oh, God!
Don't play that anymore!
- Oh, sorry.
- Ooh.
- Hold my hand.
- Are you gonna throw up again?
I didn't say hold myhair.
I said hold my hand.
[chuckling]
It's okay, Kate.
There'll be other guys.
'Course, your mom
will hate them
but, you know, eventually
she'll be dead.
So, how serious are you
and this Lisa girl?
Oh, Kate, you know, all
relationships are different.
You can't judge yours by
what's going on with mine.
Think you'll marry her?
Pfft. I don't know.
That's too far long ahead.
Hmm.
Kiss me.
What?
Kiss..
Hey, you don't know what you're
saying, you're drunk and..
you've been throwing up.
What? My-my mom says that
I should be dating you.
I think she's right.
I always say I should be dating
someone exactly like you
and who's more like you
than you? Tell me that, you.
Wow. Well, I don't
know what to say.
Would have been nice if you
would've told me this
a long time ago.
Then we would have probably
started dating and broken up
and then I wouldn't have you
as my best friend.
Besides, you need a guy
who's more like Jay, you know?
I mean, this could work out
but, you know, you'd have
to be drunk all the time.
Katie?
You know, I covered for you
on those garden gnomes.
But..
we're even 'cause I'm gonna
take 50 bucks out of your purse
to pay for the cab ride.
[instrumental music]
- Hi, Drew.
- Hey!
How're you feelin'?
(Kate)
'Um, not so good.'
A-about last night..
you-you know I-I was
drunk, right?
You were drunk?
Oh, no! What am I gonna
do with this ring?
And I already broke
up with Lisa.
I told my mother.
She was so happy!
[sobbing]
How could you do this to me?
I suppose the sex didn't mean
anything to you either.
- Drew?
- What?
You had so much to drink you
couldn't get your eyelids up.
Thanks for understanding.
So, why am I here
and who am I meeting?
Uh, I can't tell you yet.
[clearing throat]
You did this?
You got Jay and my mom together
and had them come down here?
Or wait! Are they dating?
We were talking.
I called your mom and I asked
her if your acting crazy
had anything to do with what
went on the night before.
Exactly.
So, I was honest with him.
I told him that I liked him fine
but that you had your doubts.
And he saw right through that
which led to a big
screaming fight
which led to spaghetti
leftovers. He's okay.
I can't believe this.
What did you say to make her
change her mind?
I told her that I love you.
I'll never hurt you.
And I hope this
goes on forever.
Oh, and I hired her
as my accountant.
See? Everything worked out
just the way I planned it.
Drew, you got nothing
to do with this.
We just came down here to
ask you out to lunch.
Oh. So, I guess that means
you're buying, huh?
He can afford it, right?
Uh, well, a lot more
than you can, Drew.
You owe $213.83.
Oh, isn't that great?
What a country!
You get a boyfriend, you get a
new client and I get screwed.
Well, God bless America!
Well, you guys go ahead
and clear out of here.
I've got something to do. I'll
meet you down at the restaurant.
So, why did you call me up
here in the first place?
I'll explain to you later.
Hey, did your mom
just grab Jay's butt?
What?
Hey! Where's this Kate?
I'm dying to meet her.
Look man, I-I-I'm sorry.
I just can't introduce you two,
now. Kind of a bad time.
But you said I was just
what she was looking for.
You're a good looking guy.
You'll meet other women.
Hey, you kidding, man?
I have to pay women
to go out with me.
Alright! Get the hell
out of here, buddy!
Hey, come on! Come on!
So much crap, they had
to start a second pile.
[instrumental music]
"Ode to Mrs. O'Brien.
By Lewis."
[piano music]
"Your love is eternal
and infinitely true.
"Your wisdom and encouragement
has guided us through.
"We bow to your beauty
and intellect too.
Cockle, cockle, cockle stew."
[instrumental music]
[baby chuckling]
[instrumental music]