The Millers (2013) s01e20 Episode Script

We're going out to eat.
Debbie's three bean casserole just fell off the counter.
Did it fall, mother? Or was it pushed? It probably jumped.
I-it was looking pretty miserable.
Either way, we're going out for dinner.
Whose turn is it to pick? Dad, you're up.
Finally.
McGee's Chinese.
No, not McGee's Chinese.
I hate their nachos.
Well, I want Chinese.
I've had a craving for Chinese Oh, you know what, Tom? Zito's has a Chinese chicken salad and they deliver.
- I'm gonna call 'em.
- I don't want salad.
Oh, Tom, just order spaghetti without sauce and eat it with two forks upside down.
That's practically Chinese.
- But I wanted to go out.
- No, dad, going out is a hassle.
So let's just decide what you want and shout it out.
McGee's Chinese! Oh.
Oh, hey, wait, I just found some buckwheat tofu patties.
We can just reheat Well, I guess I could just clean these up I'll call Zito's.
Yeah, that's good.
Good.
- Hey, sugar bear.
- Fun.
Hey, Nate, exciting news.
I finally got on the same bathroom schedule as Ed Dolan.
And it paid off.
- Who's Ed Dolan? - Oh, he's the guy who owns our station.
You met him at the Christmas party, mom.
He was the guy who kept going up to people saying, "Kiss me, I own the station.
" Chatted him up through the stall.
He invited us over to pitch a show.
That's great, man.
Wait, you're not gonna pitch him that show about the globe-trotting gynecologist, right? Vagina travelogues? Come on, man.
I'm saving that gold for the Oprah Network.
What Dolan's looking for is a Saturday morning kids show.
Ray, I can't pitch him a kids show.
I need him to see me as a serious newsman.
Right now I'm just the guy that they send out every time two animals of a different species befriend each other.
But Nathan, you inspired so many people with your story about the sloth and the turtle.
"They may move slow, "but they became fast friends.
" Look, I didn't say I wasn't good at it.
The ju The point is I need Dolan to see me in a different light if I'm ever gonna get promoted to doing the serious news.
Come on, Nate.
I need you for this, man.
In a business meeting it never hurts to have a white guy sitting next to you.
Every time you want to go to that soul food restaurant in DC, I always go with you.
You owe me, man.
Well, I guess if we come up with a good enough idea, I could use the opportunity to maybe show Mr.
Dolan I'm more than just a fluff-news reporter.
All right, I'm in.
Thanks, man.
Mm.
Aw.
You two are like the sloth and the turtle.
I hope not exactly.
Well, four months after that story, an adorable litter of slurtles was born.
Okay, guys, you're looking for some kids show ideas.
I got a box full of 'em.
Who's ready for some good old-fashioned edutainment? Let's see what you got, Carol.
Hello, boys and girls.
My name is Professor Pencil.
I'm sorry I'm late, but it took me a little while to Get the lead out.
But let me get right to the Point.
I'm here to sharpen your minds.
Can you guys not hear me? Oh, we can hear you.
I-I-is your show idea just a just a pencil? It's a pencil with glasses and a dry British wit.
Which would be great if we were dealing with dry British kids.
But these kids are wet and American.
You got to put sunglasses on that pencil and give it a sassy catch phrase.
Like, uh, uh, uh, "Who you calling 'number two?'" Relax, I'm just getting started.
Hola, me llamo es Professora Pencil.
I'm sorry I'm so tardy, but it took me a little while to Get the lead out.
What is wrong with you guys? Don't you know it's unhealthy for you to hold in laughter like this? Mom, you just took the same character and made it a different stereotype.
Let me see who else I've got in here.
Maybe you should hold off, Carol.
I can't promise how calm I'm gonna stay if your next character's a black sharpie.
Nate, Ray, if you like the idea of puppets, Debbie and I actually know how to make our own therapy puppets from a couples counseling retreat we went on.
So we can make you original ones, or you could save a little time and money by doing a show about A beautiful petite redhead who gets a little too honest after having more than one glass of wine.
And her handsome husband who really regrets vacationing in wine country.
Oh, well.
If I was a loud talker, I would want to know.
Well, sometimes you have to talk loudly to be heard over the sound of slurring.
Starting to miss that racist pencil.
Hey, grandpa, why don't you tell them about your made-up world? Oh, Mikayla, they're not gonna be interested in that silly little story.
But it's so cool.
I would love to see a show about that.
Dad, what's she talking about? What made-up world? You don't want to hear about it, it's stupid.
Come on, dad.
Come on, remember, there are no stupid ideas left.
Mom took 'em all.
Well You guys know I've always been into comic books.
And over the years I started imagining what my comic world would be.
And it just, uh, it kind of grew.
It all started with a character named Tom.
One fateful day, Tom and Wilma, his flying pet warthog, were forced to leave their planet in a hurry and search the galaxy for a new place to call home.
Unfortunately, as the only human on this new planet, Tom was seen as a freak.
What is that thing? It doesn't even have any fur or feathers.
And no tail.
Just a lumpy, misshapen excuse for a butt.
And why is it on its hind legs, exposing its vulnerable organs? Sensing the power structure had shifted, even Wilma turned on him.
You should see him naked.
It looks like a tower of old tapioca pudding.
Get the hell out of here, you freak.
Tom was banished, forced to watch as Wilma Became more and more crazed with power.
She terrorized the land.
Till one day, when Tom was struck by lightning.
He was transformed into Tom Tom, protector of the animals.
Tom Tom stood up to Wilma.
And from the mountains to the valleys, the animals rejoiced.
Peace has been restored! Wilma has been defeated! Let's hear it for Tom Tom! A hero so nice, they named him twice.
- All right! - Hooray! And they renamed their planet Tomlandia.
In honor of Tom Tom, the baddest superhero to ever appear on greater Washington, DC Saturday morning local television.
And-and, uh, you know, the characters are all based on members of my family, so there's something for everyone.
There's a cute lemur for the girls, and a A handsome, athletic, uh, peacock for the boys and even this weird, sort of nerdy giraffe for those weird kids that nobody wants to sit next to at lunch.
I got one of those kids at home.
Oh, uh, well, I was I was only joking.
I I didn't Oh, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
He's not my kid.
He came with the marriage.
Odd little fella.
Eats anything he can get his hands on.
Paper, dirt, chalk.
Half of my favorite tie.
Okay, well, um, as you can see from the stories, uh, each week we'll just take the kids on an adventure - and-and Tom Tom will save the day.
- Hey, listen, here's the deal.
I just need something to keep my wife's kid from bothering us before My-my wife and I enjoy early morning hanky-panky, and it's just hard, you know? To get Sexy with a nine-year-old just gnawing at a condom wrapper at the foot of your bed.
Well, we'll definitely give you a show where you can have some hanky-panky, and-and, uh, we We can make it an hour long.
If you can make it an hour long.
Uh, make it a half hour.
I don't like to take two pills.
All right, um, I like the show, and, um I want to do a test episode of this.
Beca provided you guys are okay with a - Couple of tweaks.
- Absolutely.
- Anything.
- Okay, well, first, let's make it more educational so my wife will let the kid watch it.
And then Uh, you know, let's throw out the whole superhero thing.
You know, kids really need real heroes like, uh, oh, firemen and stepdads who honor their commitments even though they got misled.
Look at us, collaborating, - I love it.
- Yeah.
And I-I don't want a show with just, uh puppets, you know.
I want, uh I-I want a human host.
Miller, this is perfect for you.
Sir, I-I appreciate it, but I just I don't think that this job is for me.
Oh, you're telling the boss "no.
" I admire your confidence.
That, uh, that reminds me a lot of Jenkins.
Who? Exactly.
- Got it, yeah.
You know what, let's do it your way.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
I can't wait to get started, guys.
I know what you're gonna say.
Oh, that I was hoping that one day that guy was gonna make me the next Tom Brokaw, not the next captain kangaroo? Don't worry.
We're gonna make sure you look cool and sleek.
But still fun for kids.
Like-like James Bond driving the Batmobile.
Uh, Miller, head down to costumes and, uh, get fitted for a hat and overalls.
My wife's kid loves farmers.
Least I hope he does.
He asked for a pitchfork for his birthday.
Maybe if I just refuse to host the kids show, uh, Dolan will have more respect for me.
Like that stripper I once saw who refused to take her clothes off.
Every guy there wanted to marry her.
Weren't you the only guy there? She impressed me.
Look, what-what's Dolan gonna do, fire me? I mean, it's not the end of the world.
Uh, could be the end of our world.
Yeah, and-and what would you do? Where would you work? How would you pay the majority of our bills? Come on, Nate.
Think about me.
This is my big break.
I got a dream of being a millionaire before I turn 30, and I don't want to be over 13 years wrong.
I think you're overestimating how much money we can make in kids TV.
Are kidding me? Look at this.
It's the Taj Mahal.
No, it's a replica of the Taj Mahal that one of the wiggles built for his mother in Phoenix.
Come on, Nathan.
You'd be great at this.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But if-if we're gonna do this, though, I want to do it well.
Great.
And if your boss wants the show to be more educational, I can help.
It's no coincidence that America's academic rankings had gone down every year since I stopped teaching.
Poland is ahead of us in math, science and reading.
Poland! Some of our best jokes don't even make sense anymore.
This is so exciting.
Tomlandia is actually coming to life.
Hey! Oh, uh, I'm sorry about that.
Here.
Here's $100, and try to keep it away from his mouth.
Well, hello.
I didn't see you there.
Did you see you there? No! Well, you should be able to see you here on the farmer cam.
Oh! - That's right.
- Ah.
Now, come with me as we journey to Tomlandia.
Why is Nathan a farmer? There's no farm in Tomlandia.
It's a self-sustaining ecosystem.
We had to make a few changes.
What kind of pig knows karate? Pork chops.
And I resent that.
Well, it's-it's Wilma warthog.
Why is she so pretty? And where are all the warts? I'm sorry, Tom.
No matter what species you make me, good bone structure is good bone structure.
Wilma, it wasn't very nice of you to steal my punch line.
No.
In fact, it was very Ugh! Now, what's the word I'm looking for? Well, greetings and good morning, farmer Nate.
I believe the word of the day you're looking for is disrespectful.
Carol, why is there a talking wiener on stage? That's a not a wiener.
That's a bookworm.
Though he does look a little weird when he stands between those two boulders.
That's the character who has all the answers.
Tom Tom has all the answers.
Well, hey, there, Tom Tom.
What do you think about people being disrespectful? Duh.
I don't know.
I'm too distracted by these yummy-looking meatballs on the ground.
Oh! Oh, that's a rock.
Why is he acting so stupid? Tom Tom is a superhero.
Superheroes are a fad.
Stupid is forever.
Duh.
Hey, there's another meatball down on the ground.
Oh.
Oh, that's a pinecone.
With Tom Tom stripped of his superpowers, Wilma the warthog once again terrorized the citizens of what was once Tomlandia.
Tom Tom, you'll have to think of a way to save us! Since Tom was too stupid to think of an answer, their only hope was an intelligent wiener.
I know exactly how to save the day.
All you have to do is No! Tom Tom's not an idiot! He's a superhero! Dad, what are you doing? My boss is right out there.
Cool it! This is my world, and you guys aren't gonna change it.
Those eyebrows look like two slugs! Stupid wiener! Talk about disrespectful, huh? Oh, wow.
We got a real cliffhanger here.
I can't wait to see what happens next, man, which is, uh Which is, um Hello, boys and girls.
I'm Professor Pencil.
I'm sorry I'm late, but it took me a little while to Get the lead out.
Get the lead out.
Get the lead out.
Dad, step away from that shredder and unlock this door.
I need to get those puppets! I'm sorry, Nathan, but I have to stop you guys from doing this to me, like you always do! Oh, we're always ruining your made-up world with inaccurate puppet shows? 'Cause it kind of feels like the first time to me.
No! Oh, oh, it's okay, kids.
Surprise twist.
Mr.
Giraffe was evil.
The end.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't touch it.
The-the kid digs it.
Feed it more! Dad, stop! Look, I-I'm sorry that we made some changes, but that's no reason to start a puppet genocide.
It's not that big of a deal.
Maybe not to you, but for me, this was just one more example of this family pushing me around! What are you talking about? Do you think I wanted to be an engineer? I didn't want that much stress in my life, but your mother thought I needed to earn more money.
So I had to give up my dream of putting on a badge.
You wanted to be a cop? A mall cop.
It's got none of the danger of being a real cop, but all of the respect.
Debatable.
But your mother laughed, and said my dream was stupid.
Yeah.
Well Who's laughing now, Wilma?! No! No! D-dad, stop! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Do you think I wanted to spend my weekends driving you and your sister to hockey or gymnastics? No! I wanted to go bird watching! The closest I ever came was getting into a fight with a pigeon over a bag of doritos in an ice rink parking lot! Dad, not me! What the hell is going on up there? For the past 40 years, I've done what everyone else wanted me to do.
What profession to be, what vacations to take, where I want to eat, what movie I want to see.
Even when I wanted to name you kids.
I wasn't supposed to be Nathan? No, you weren't, Mork.
I know.
Everyone thinks it's a silly, made-up world, but Tomlandia was a piece of me that was exactly how I wanted it to be.
And I'm not crazy.
And I understand that being a man means being there for the people you love, and I'm glad I did it.
But at certain point, you You sacrifice so much, it doesn't feel like yourself anymore.
It feels like I don't know.
Feel like a guy wearing overalls, kids TV show? Yeah.
I get it, dad.
Think I'm kind of doing the same thing.
I just wanted to help Ray, and then, Adam, Debbie and mom got involved, and I just didn't want to let everyone down.
Hmm.
I don't want to do this.
But I also don't want to end up resenting everyone because I did.
Then don't.
You got to do what's best for you, or else that resentment will just build up, and you'll end up holding puppets hostage at a kids show.
Which is a huge adrenaline rush, by the way.
Hmm.
Kids, look over here! We're the black man group.
You're both monsters.
- Monsters! - Well Mr.
Dolan, I'm so sorry.
I know this show was a disaster.
Are you are you kidding? We found the show.
My kid loved it.
Seriously? 'Cause, sir, I don't think that I could No, not you.
He hated you.
I want to do a show about the shredder.
It's magic.
He he hasn't eaten anything in an hour.
Half hour.
Well, uh, look, I'm-I'm just glad that it worked out for everyone.
I'm-I'm glad it worked out between you and your dad.
That was great.
- Really? - Yeah.
I-I watched you on farm cam, and you stayed calm, you asked the right questions.
And you stayed right in it until you figured out the real story.
That's what a good reporter does.
You're in the right business.
Thank you, sir.
Well, I guess Debbie and I aren't gonna get rich off of puppet toys after all.
I don't know about you guys, but all that shredding reminded me of cheese.
Let's go eat.
You know, Nate, I think it's your turn to pick.
I want to eat wherever dad wants to eat.
McGee's Chinese! Nobody does a better sweet and sour corned beef.
Grandpa, when we get home, can you tell me more about Tomlandia? The good version, not the crappy, made-for-TV version? No offense.
You all did your best.
Of course, sweetie, I'd love to after we all go to McGee's frozen yogurt for dessert.
They have fortune cookies here.
There's no reason to go It's my night, Wilma.
My night.
Now that order was restored in Tomlandia, the citizens were free to celebrate.
And when Tom Tom ate four ice cream cones, he was once again a hero.