The Mindy Project s01e20 Episode Script

The best part of living in New York is the nightlife.
The second best part is knowing that Jay-Z and Beyonce are sharing the same weather as me.
But the best part is the nightlife.
The problem is, you can't enjoy the nightlife if your friends are a bunch of geriatric shut-in lame-os.
Alex, it's your lucky night.
Oh, yeah.
Tonight, my friend, we are going to have as much fun as the time that we snuck onto John Stamos's party bus.
Sounds so cool, but I'm actually staying in to watch TV tonight Oh, well, that sounds pretty fun.
With Danny.
Ugh, gross.
Hey, I can hear you.
It's taking off, so let's go, let's go Feel that bass in that boom - Sir? - Yes? These are complimentary wasabi peas, right? - Yes.
- I'm not gonna get charged for them? - No.
- Thank you.
- This is kind of a hard place to get into.
- Yeah.
I only got in 'cause I told 'em that my teenage daughter was trapped inside.
I don't have a teenage daughter.
I'm not old enough.
Not interested in having children anytime soon.
Maybe one day.
Whoa.
Did you just me? Uh, uh, sorry, sorry.
A good-looking guy is coming over here.
- Hey! - Thank you.
Ow! Ow! Damn it! I got wasabi in my eye! Allow me.
Whoa.
I'm Adam.
And this is how you can get a parking ticket in Manhattan without even owning a car.
Yeah.
I am so excited that I decided - to come out tonight.
- You know, it's getting pretty late.
You should probably take me home with you.
You're really good at frenching.
I don't I don't usually do this kinda thing.
I'm glad that sometimes you do.
You deserve a treat.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Before we, uh, you know - Yeah.
How much you wanna spend? Hm? Well, if I stay overnight, it costs more.
- Mm - Oh, my God! Are you a prostitute? - Yeah.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God! How did you not know I was a prostitute? Out! Get out! You came to the bar alone.
You paid for every drink.
You kept talking about how money is no object.
Sorry, I get tacky when I get drunk, all right? And by the way, you are not supposed to kiss.
That is, like, the number one rule in pretty woman.
- Get out! - Ooh, kissing is a big part of what I do.
I'm actually one of the best mouth guys in the city.
Gross! Get out, get out.
I am never going out again.
Dr.
C, I know babies with better handwriting.
Actual babies.
It's fine, Morgan.
- Hey, guys.
- Whoa.
Looks like someone had a fun night and is paying for it today.
I don't pay for it, Morgan.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothin nothing.
Okay.
Sorry, Morgan.
I'm sorry.
I did nothing unusual last night.
Danny, I have two theater tickets that I'm not going to use for Saturday night.
I thought you and Alex could go.
That's really nice.
I can't.
I'm taking Alex to Vermont.
Wow.
What are you gonna do next? Take pottery classes or something? Ooh, I'll come to that.
What do you want, Deslaurier? Your package was delivered to my floor by mistake.
Yankee candle company.
Mindy, how are you? I'm as good as any other human in this room.
Why don't you take Brendan to the play? That makes no sense, and he has no interest.
I'm actually very interested in the theater.
Even bad theater is good theater.
I believe it was Bertolt Brecht who once You see, I think you guys would have a lot to talk about.
That's strange.
We have no natural rapport, he and I.
- Nothing? - The theater is meant to be a shared experience where people can forget the past and move on to the future with a new understanding.
Hey, man.
You guys want a moment? Hey, cut it out.
And cut it out.
You're fine.
Morgan, you can have these tickets.
- It's your lucky day.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you.
It is! Nice to see you again.
Uh, Brendan, we get there at 8:00.
The one thing is, hold onto your coat, because they get you with the coat check.
That's I'm not paying 10 bucks to check a $5 coat.
Maggie, what is your deal? You usually eat like someone just rescued you from a life raft.
Had a big breakfast, real belt-popper.
Okay.
Hey.
When you are in Vermont this weekend, I need you to go to Ben & Jerry's, and I want you to get me a tie-dye mug.
- I wanna put hair clips in it.
- Vermont? Yeah, when you and Danny go this weekend.
Alex and Danny are having a party! God.
It feels really good to get that out there.
- Wait.
What? - It's just a small dinner thing.
Danny and my best friend, who he met through me, are hosting a dinner party that I'm not invited to? Hey, I barely made the cut.
This person is invited? No offense.
So what I am supposed to do? Just, like, lay in the street like a corpse while stray dogs nudge my body? Sometimes you and Gwen have dinner without us.
Because having dinner with Gwen in her weird, haunted mansion in Greenwich is so much fun.
We definitely talked about inviting you.
Mm-hmm.
And the answer was no? Trust me, I was pro.
Okay, then who was con? Hey, Danny, are you excited about your trip to Vermont? I heard the foliage is beautiful this time of year.
I think you might be thinking about fall.
I know about your party, you liar.
Oh, boy.
Okay, look.
- Don't try to turn my friends against me - Okay, stop hitting me.
- And make them lie.
- Just relax and I'll explain to you.
It's a small dinner.
Is it? I'm not even adding leaves to the table.
That's how small it is.
Hey, everybody.
Danny's having a big party at his house on Saturday night, and you're all invited.
Won't that be fun? Tell all your friends.
No, I'm not having a party, so Why would you do that to me? Danny, how bad could it be? I'm not gonna be there.
Okay, you're acting like a brat.
Fine.
You can come to the party.
I don't wanna go to your stupid party.
But you know what? I should've been invited.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
It's just if I invited you, then you would've brought one of these guys that you date.
What do you mean one of these guys that I date? The guys that you date are kinda dicks.
- Excuse me? - I'm sorry, but it's true.
And I mean, I just don't want them at my home.
It's like that The orthodontist - who dumped you for the hot, young girl.
- Okay.
The lawyer who had the secret girlfriend.
Yeah, fine.
You cherry-pick these examples and you will find flaws in almost any Brendan Deslaurier? I would never, ever I saw you at the hospital with him.
You were going at it.
It was gross and unprofessional.
We hooked up once, and then a couple more times, but then only once.
Okay, look.
You know, you guys are sneaking around behind my back.
You, with an enemy of the practice.
And what did you do? You guys go home and you make fun of my piano playing? Why would that come up? It comes up.
I like your piano playing.
Oh, come on, Mindy.
Please.
My piano playing sucks.
I don't like it, and that's why you weren't invited.
Excuse me, Betsy.
Dr.
Lahiri, there's a man here to see you.
He's handsome like my Uncle Brent on easter.
Oh, my God.
Come here.
Come here.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I need my money.
Oh, God.
I know.
It's the skeeziest part of my job.
Please keep a little bit of distance.
What, you don't trust me? I don't, Adam the prostitute.
I don't.
Great, and now I can't even remember my pin because you smell too good and it's distracting me.
It's not your birthday, is it? No.
You've been having a rough day, haven't you? Yes, I have, actually.
A prostitute came to my place of work to shake me down for money.
I get it.
I'm a prostitute! I'm sorry you've ever had to interact - with someone like me in your lifetime.
- Just keep I'm sorry.
He's not could you keep your voice down? Okay.
All right.
I've been having a crappy day, yes.
Not just because of you.
A co-worker was mean to me.
My dry cleaner called me "sir," so I do feel bad about this.
You're way younger than most of my clients, and a lot cooler.
I mostly end up with a lot of wealthy invalids.
Okay, all right.
Well, thank you.
I'm not your client, but thank you.
Hey, before you get back to your really crappy day, maybe I can make it up to you? Come over for a cup of coffee? I live close by.
Absolutely not.
You're right.
Stupid idea.
Why you wanna spend any time with some broke-ass hustler with ADHD? All right, all right.
Sure.
All right, I'll have coffee with you.
- All right.
- But coffee is not, like, some weird code word for some sex thing is it? So everyone from the office is coming? I lost control of the whole thing.
Now I gotta get all this extra ice.
No, I think it's great.
I didn't wanna have a boring dinner party anyway.
- I like that you're opening up.
- And I'm trying.
People always say I'm closed up, but the thing is, I don't like people touching my stuff.
You? Fine.
I don't mind.
But the rest of them, your parkers and so on? Aah.
I'm dating a hot doctor with a great apartment.
Not every night can be us watching shows about the Panama canal.
- That thing's an engineering marvel.
- Mm.
Alex, hi.
I was hoping you could warn your bewheelchair'd friend Maggie that I'll be bringing someone to the party.
I wouldn't want her to get jealous.
Uh, she's a big girl.
She'll be fine.
Also, Danny, the janitor wants to know your party's policy on small children.
Danny's gonna throw a rager.
I cannot believe that you have not seen pretty woman.
I mean, someone in your line of work, it should be required viewing.
They do make us watch a video about what to do if one of your clients passes out in the hot tub.
Oh, my God.
Wow, it's really nice.
Is your building inside of another building? - Hello.
- Oh, God.
I am Dikembe, Adam's roommate.
Oh.
Dikembe's a taxi driver.
Adam is prostitute.
Yeah, I learned that.
Adam, look at all these trophies.
That's cute.
Wait.
- Did you get them from winning sex competitions? - No.
Those are from singing competitions I won back in Indiana.
He has the voice of an angel.
Come on, Dikembe.
Is that true? Yeah.
That's actually why I moved out here.
My dream was to become a singer-songwriter.
Obviously, it's not playing out that way.
- Well, can you sing something for me? - Ah, no.
Come on.
I came all the way down to skid row.
All right.
As I went down in the valley to pray Good lord, show me the way Oh, my God.
Adam, you are way too talented - to be doing what you're doing.
- I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be a prostitute.
Adam, no.
Look.
There are times in our lives when we have to take a good hard look at what we're doing and see if that is working for us.
And believe me, I have been doing that a lot recently.
- Yeah? - Yeah, man.
You live across a curtain from a guy.
I believe there was a human bone in your hallway.
Something has to change here.
And you know what? I will help you.
Hey, Danny.
I am coming to your dinner party tonight.
And guess what.
I'm bringing a guest.
He is nice.
He is talented.
He is kind.
Mindy, I'm with a patient.
Okay, then why did you pick up your phone? Stop being so obsessed with me.
You might never have seen the movie pretty woman.
But today, my friend, you're gonna live it.
May I join you at the party? No, Dikembe, you can't.
I want you to look nice for tonight, so please, buy anything you want.
What am I gonna talk about? I can't talk about my job.
Talk about your love of music, or how you met me and how I changed your life.
But whatever you do, do not let anyone treat you like you're less than them.
Can I help you? My friend here would like to buy some clothing, and I wanna make sure that you treat him with the same respect as everyone else here.
Great.
Let me know if you need anything.
I thought that would be more of a scene.
The guests are here.
The food's out.
You're not breaking out in hives.
You, sir, are hosting a party.
Yep.
Whoo! Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
I brought grandma's famous chicken wings.
The secret ingredient is love.
I'm kidding, it's whiskey.
There's no love involved in these.
Morgan, you're killing me.
I mean, chicken wings, that's the messiest food in the world.
Okay, relax, Monica from friends.
I brought a wet nap.
"A" wet nap? Yeah.
Hey, Morgan, wing me.
No, no, no.
Are you kidding me? - Sorry.
- Hand her the wing! - Jeremy, how's it going? - Maggie, hello.
- Yeah, hey.
- Excuse us a second.
I'm really hoping to avoid a scene.
But the fact is, I came to this party with Tatia.
I'll understand if you feel you have to leave and gather yourself.
Dude, she is insanely hot.
I'm sorry? Good for you.
Oh, thank you for this.
Beer, sweetheart? Oh.
- Let's roll.
- That accent's doing you a lot of favors.
Hello, Dr.
L.
This is Adam.
Great.
Another male ten.
Just what this party needs.
That's very rude.
I'm sorry.
There's just a lot of Adam.
Hi.
A lot of sausage here.
Wow.
Did you see Mindy's date? He's hot.
No man's hot.
Paul Newman was handsome, but that's it.
Hey, you two.
This is Adam.
Hey, great place.
Your roof has a window, - and that's amazing.
- So what do you do for a living, guy? Adam is a singer-songwriter, and a very talented one at that.
So what do you do for money? I, uh I have family money.
- Okay.
- Family money, so that's that.
Railroad money, a lot of it.
Railroad money? They still do that, huh? Yeah, my family owns a lot of the major railroads.
Like, the really big ones.
Mostly north-South, a few east-west.
So all the major directions? Yeah, I'm tired of talking about railroads.
Hey! You know, Danny has a beautiful piano.
Can you play us something? - Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
- Sure, yeah.
Yeah, I'd love to hear that.
That's the most beautiful music I've ever heard in my life.
Come away with me in the night Come away with me What are you doing? Get off the piano.
Sorry.
Oh, my God! You a song - Yeah! - Bravo.
Dr.
C, I think you should play now.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Yes! I mean, come on.
Go up there and play! - Do it! - I'm not gonna play pop song Something a little more classy.
Norah Jones is very classy.
Beethoven.
No, I got it.
I got it.
"G.
" "K.
" Thanks.
"E.
" Mindy, get off the piano.
- Oh, God! - Whoa! You gotta stop getting up there.
Yeah! Huh? Beautiful.
That was amazing.
Adam, you really You saved it.
No.
Well, he didn't save it.
We were just We were jamming there, Morgan.
Hello.
What are you doing? This room's off-limits.
Well, you weren't giving out tours of your apartment, and I wanted to see your bedroom, so I gave myself my own tour.
Terrific.
Tour's over.
This is so cool, this Spanish language version of catcher in the rye.
I can kind of understand it, and I don't speak Spanish.
No, just don't touch my book.
Going through my stuff.
Don't look at my books, please.
- All right, all right.
- Okay? Don't look at anything in my room.
- Whoa! - Let's go back in the party.
- Cool view, Danny.
- Don't look at my view.
Let's Oh.
I see a bathroom.
Oh, I hate this.
So you're the, uh You're the train guy.
My dad actually, uh, sold the train business.
And then he invested all the money in minerals.
Shut up.
I am so into minerals! God, now I have more questions.
This place is amazing.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Danny! Do you have a dandruff problem, Danny? Yes, I do.
Sometimes, I do.
Okay, I get it.
I'm gross.
And my dandruff flakes, they just rain snow everywhere.
I'm sweaty.
I'm really closed off and everybody hates me.
- I get it.
- Uh, no.
- It's fine.
- I was just teasing you just a little bit about the dandruff shampoo.
Well, just don't tell Deslaurier.
Okay.
I'm sorry that I lied to you about Brendan.
But frankly, it is none of your business.
For your information, the reason I didn't tell you is because he treated me badly and I was embarrassed.
He treated you badly? Yeah.
Happy? He's an idiot for treating you badly.
I mean, he's an idiot anyway, but Thanks.
Well, what about Adam? He seems like a cool guy.
Maybe.
- Maybe? - Oh, God.
Do you use a washcloth? This is disgusting.
This is a breeding ground for bacteria.
Okay, no.
I use one side for my torso and limbs and the other side for my pits and my feet.
How can you tell which side is which? Ugh.
Gross.
You know what? You know what's gross is you left your wine in the shower.
You look thirsty.
You keep playing your cards right, Aussie, you could be my last continent.
Danny is not recognizable to me.
I don't know what you're doing to him, but, I mean, everyone is over at his house at a party.
I have never seen that side of him.
Yeah? I've been working really hard to open him up.
Yeah, I think his ex-wife really did a number on him.
Wait.
Uh, Danny has an ex-wife? Yeah.
You knew about that.
No, I didn't.
I was wrong.
He's not the one that was married.
Who was it that was married? President Obama was married.
Okay.
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex! Oh, thank God, there you are.
I really like talking to all these people.
They're really nice.
I just wish I didn't have to pretend like I was someone else.
We don't have to fight right now in the middle of a party.
I think, Adam, that you should maybe play some music right now.
That I can do.
Maybe an original? Excuse me, Mindy.
No! Adam, great idea.
Just play some music.
Everybody, I have fantastic news.
Adam is going to play an original composition.
So stop talking or fighting or whatever you're doing, and just come over and listen.
We're so lucky.
You got Broadway plays On one side of town And you got skyscrapers on the other side of town And you got subway trains that go under the town And you got yellow taxis to drive you around What city am I talking about? New York? What city am I talking about? You're describing a lot of different cities.
Say what city am I talking about? Dallas? Go to the next part.
Well, after 9/11 No, no, no, no.
Too soon.
No, no, no, stop.
Okay, Adam, stop.
- Hey, Adam, you can't sing this.
- What? This is offensive.
People are not going to like this song.
No, I get it.
I don't fit in here.
That's not true.
Just play norah Jones.
- Everyone loved that.
- No, it's true.
I don't belong here.
- No, you do belong here.
- And apparently look, guys.
It's all okay.
I've been spending a lot of time tonight pretending to be things that I'm not.
- No.
- Look, it's time I embrace who I really am.
No, don't.
Please don't embrace who you are.
Guys, I'm a prostitute.
What? Psych! And as a prostitute, everyone always thinks there must be some other thing that you aspire to be.
But you know what, guys? I really like being a prostitute.
I get paid to have sex with women.
Don't gesture to me like that.
It's misleading.
I mean, is that so bad? - Yes, very.
- Yes.
That's bad.
Mindy, I'm gonna go Okay.
- But thank you.
- You're welcome.
Just please leave.
Hey.
Oh, God, no.
Stop.
Stop.
You gotta be kidding me.
What? God, that was a good kiss.
You brought a prostitute into my home.
My home! Alleged prostitute.
Look at the constitution for once in your life.
Did you know that he was a prostitute? No, absolutely not.
No.
Yesterday.
Today, I knew, and I brought him knowing full well that he was a prostitute, but I was going to pretty woman him.
Mindy, he touched my piano.
How was the sex? Okay, I refuse to answer questions from people that I don't know personally.
I'm sorry.
Fine, I'll ask her then.
How was the sex? I didn't have sex with him! Everybody, give Dr.
L a break.
- Thank you, Beverly.
- We've all done it.
- No.
- For me, it was Christmas time during the war.
They had just hung Saddam.
Okay, I'm gonna shut this down right now.
I'm hungry.
Morgan, wing me.
- Morgan, hand her the wing! - I'm sorry.
Wonder where my subway card is.
I gotta get some food.
Hey, where are you going? Hey! Where are you going? Hey, Danny, great party.
You're about to leave? Are you smoking? Yeah, I'm smoking.
At least there's one or two things you don't know about me.
You should know better.
You're poisoning yourself.
Are you really giving me life advice right now? Seriously? Okay, fair enough.
So Alex and I broke up tonight, in case you didn't know.
You decided to tell her about my ex-wife in the middle of the party.
Why did you do that? That was really stupid.
- I am sorry to hear that - Yeah, okay.
But I think it is crazy that you would not tell her about your ex-wife.
What? What's so funny? You're unbelievable to me.
You brought a prostitute to my party, which you ruined, and you still have the confidence to stand there with your hand on your hip and tell me what's wrong with my life? I'm sorry, Mindy.
That's just funny to me.
I was just trying to be a good friend.
I didn't ask to be your friend.
Ahem.
Uh, Dr.
C? - Parker, what is it? - Sorry to interrupt.
One of the Australians may have set a small fire inside your piano.
Are you mad because - you looked like a fool at the party? - Did I really look that bad? You looked it was bad.
It was a bad one.
Why would I think it was a good idea to pretty woman some male prostitute? You always take chances on people who no one else will.
Like, me Super good-looking guy, very strong, but kind of a dirtbag.
And now, I own my own laptop.
It's the biggest laptop you've er seen.
Do you know what Danny told me? He says that I only go out with guys who are dis.
And you know what? I think he's right.
Ah.
He would know.
What does that mean? Well, I can only say this because Dr.
Castellano is, like, my best friend.
But he's a rich doctor with a ton of friends, and he should maybe smile for once.
Instead, he's like, "uh, everyone keep it down.
I'm trying to read the sports section.
" "Uh, works starts at 9:00.
Not 9:01.
Not 9:02.
" Cream and sugar.
"