The Munsters (1964) s01e20 Episode Script

But I tell you, Herman.
If it has to be a pet, our cat would be ideal.
Lily, you're just being stubborn.
If Eddie is going to enter anything at the school pet fair, Spot is just the animal.
He's a typical boy's pet.
Oh, Spot.
There's nothing clever about him.
Just tell me one thing he can do besides chase trains.
Well, let's put it up to Grandpa.
Grandpa, uh, which one of our pets do you think Eddie should take to the pet fair playground? There's no question about it.
Our cat.
Or Spot? Neither.
Igor.
Igor? A bat? Certainly.
Didn't Eddie say that one of the prizes was for intelligence? [Chuckles.]
Does that Spot have sense enough to hang from the rafters by his toes? Can that cat fly down to the corner store for the evening newspaper? Spot must be intelligent.
L-lf not, why isn't he extinct like the rest of his species? But don't forget, Herman.
One of the things they judge the children's pets on is good grooming.
Spot can win that too.
I told Eddie to work on him and make him look his very best.
Hey, Dad.
I don't think Spot wants to be entered in the school fair.
He's hiding under the stairs and won't come out.
- Now, Eddie, please.
- Can't you do something, Uncle Herman? - Marilyn - Will you forget about Spot? He's nothing but a big, stupid baby.
- Just a minute, Grandpa.
- Yes.
Now, wait a minute, everybody.
You can handle this, Herman dear.
You coax him out.
You all seem to be forgetting.
I have a way with animals.
Hmm.
Come on, Spot.
Come on out, Spot.
[Growls.]
Come on, Spot.
Be a good boy.
- This is your Uncle Hermie.
- [Growls.]
Now, Spot, come on out of there.
Come on out of there.
Spot, you're being a very bad boy.
You want to go to the school pet fair with Eddie, don't you? Poopsy? [Roars.]
Well, I guess he seems to be a little bit reluctant.
But, gee, I gotta have a pet to take to school.
Eddie, if we leave Spot alone for a while, sooner or later he'll get hungry and come out looking for somebody.
Herman, I don't care what you do.
You'll never be able to get Spot to behave himself in school.
Eddie, I still think you should take our cat.
But, gee, he couldn't win anything.
He's just a plain, old everyday house cat.
- [Roars.]
- Well, I guess you're right.
In my opinion, Eddie, you ought to take Igor to the pet fair.
Oh, that bat is the most beautiful thing that flies.
Well, okay, now that I think of it, Igor would be good.
He'd be smaller.
How do we know he'll go for this? You know what happened that time we took him duck hunting.
That was terrible.
He tried to fly south with that flock of mallards.
Six weeks later, he came walking home with his wings full of buckshot.
Good morning, Eddie, Grandpa.
[Chuckles.]
Man, am I excited.
I bet I'll be the only kid with a real, live, honest-to-goodness Transylvanian bat.
Well, as long as we couldn't talk Spot into entering, I guess we'll have to settle for this silly fly-by-night.
[Squeaking.]
You big dummy! Igor, come back! Goodness me.
What happened to him? Wh-What happened to him? You insulted him.
That's what happened to him.
Igor.
Mom! Mom! [Squeaking.]
Mom.
! Mom.
! There he goes.
Oh, Eddie, what's the matter? Pop said mean things about Igor, and he ran away.
I can't be the only kid in school without a pet for the fair.
Oh, don't blame your father too much.
Igor's always throwing tantrums.
Sometimes I think he's nothing but a spoiled bat.
I can't go to school today.
All the kids are gonna make fun of me.
Grandpa, I'm really ashamed of myself.
I shouldn't have opened my big mouth.
I let my boy down.
I'm a miserable excuse for a father.
You know, Herman, there's a lot of ham in you.
Don't blame me.
They had to use what was available.
Don't you worry, Herman.
Eddie will not be disappointed.
He's going to have a pet to take to that fair.
[Chuckles.]
In that case I'd like to ask you one question.
- What? - Not what.
Who.
Who? Me.
That's who.
[Squeaking.]
[Laughing.]
Grandpa, I have to admit it.
You're the greatest.
[Laughing.]
Father, I am deeply touched.
It's not every grandfather that would do what you did for Eddie.
[Door Closes.]
Shh.
Here he comes now.
Oh.
Here you go, son.
Now, handle it very carefully.
Igor isn't as young as he used to be.
Good luck, Eddie.
And bring home a blue ribbon.
I bet I win first prize for the most intelligent pet.
Well, I wouldn't count on that too much.
Igor isn't as intelligent as he used to be either.
[Squeaking.]
You better hurry now, dear.
Say, where's Grandpa? He's, uh, uh, hung up in an experiment.
Uh, but he'll be with you in spirit all the time.
Now you be a good boy.
Okay.
Come on, Igor.
Good-bye, everybody.
Good-bye.
[All.]
Good-bye.
Good luck.
Good luck, both of you.
You know, there's only one bad feature about this.
If Grandpa does win over that bunch of goldfish and hamsters, there'll be no living with him.
Children, you've all brought such interesting pets.
I'm sure your principal's going to have trouble in choosing a winner.
Aren't you, Mr.
Hazlett? Yes, indeed, Miss Guthrie.
Oh, what lovely doves.
Johnny, that's just lovely.
Look at that squirrel.
Isn't he a cute little fellow? Well, and what is it we have here? - It's me, Mr.
Hazlett.
- No, Eddie.
I mean in the cage.
Oh.
It's my pet, Igor.
[Squeaking.]
Oh.
Why, it's a bat.
Boy, what a neat pet.
Hey, Eddie, does it catch rats? Only when it feels like dancing.
That's very nice, Eddie.
Uh, suppose you put the cover back on the cage now.
But, gee, Mrs.
Guthrie, Igor hasn't done any of his tricks.
Well, what kind of tricks can he do? My pet, Igor, will fly out of his cage, circle the room twice and return back to his cage on command.
Go, Igor.
Oh, my goodness.
[Children Laughing.]
[Screams.]
[Squeaking.]
Oh, I bet Eddie is proud of his pet.
And I'm sure Grandpa is doing things that Igor wouldn't have the intelligence to think of.
I must say, I have to take my hat off to Grandpa for changing himself into a bat for Eddie's sake.
[Chuckles.]
I know I wouldn't like to go out in public looking grotesque.
But we don't want Grandpa giving Eddie a false sense of values by catering to his every whim.
Well, Eddie doesn't know it's Grandpa.
He thinks it's Igor.
[Door Closes.]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Eddie.
Hi, son.
Well, how did you do at the pet fair? How would you like to look at the prizewinner for the most intelligent pet at Mockingbird Heights School? Look.
[Squeaking.]
Father, what have you done now? [Chuckles.]
Where's Igor? Igor? Oh, I traded him off to Timmy Brubaker for the squirrel.
Isn't he neat? Oh! Oh! Eddie, you naughty, naughty boy.
You traded your grandfather for a squirrel? There, there, Aunt Lily.
Now don't you worry.
I'm real sorry, Mom, but I didn't know it was Grandpa.
Anyway, we only traded for the weekend.
I'm sure he'll be all right, Lily.
Sure.
He'll be home in no time.
Boy, you should have seen him flying after Miss Guthrie.
Vroom! Or he'll just change himself back into his old self and walk home.
[Chuckles.]
He can't change back to himself in that small cage.
There's no room.
Oh, Herman, what are we gonna do? I didn't live all these years to to end up as the daughter of a squirrel.
I hope those Brubakers don't feed him peanuts and popcorn.
They always give Grandpa heartburn.
No cause for concern.
Eddie.
Yeah, Dad? Why don't you go call your little friend, tell him the deal is off and that he can have his squirrel back for your bat.
Okay, Dad.
Herman, don't you think you better call the Brubakers? No, dear.
It'll teach Eddie self-reliance and how to handle little problems like this when they come up later on in life with his own family.
Poor Grandpa.
He was only trying to do the right thing.
Come on.
Hello? Mrs.
Brubaker? Is Timmy there? Oh, well, this is Eddie Munster.
You probably don't remember me.
Oh, you do remember me.
Gosh.
I was only over at your house once.
Well, I'm calling about the bat I traded to Timmy today.
- You see, I have to get it back.
It's my grandfather.
- Eddie.
Don't tell them that.
They might jack up the price.
I mean, it's a a favorite of my grandmother's.
Oh, it's not there.
Golly.
They sold him.
- Sold him? - Yeah.
Timmy sold him to his father for 65 cents.
And Mr.
Brubaker took him down to where he works.
Where? Where? Ask her where he works.
Where does Mr.
Brubaker work? Oh, that's nice.
He likes laboratories.
Oh, where is this laboratory? Thanks a lot, Mrs.
Brubaker.
Don't worry.
There's nothing that can hurt Grandpa.
Mr.
Brubaker's a rocket expert and works at a top secret space lab.
Oh.
Well, that's simple.
We'll just go down to the lab and pick him up.
Where is the lab, Eddie? Washington, D.
C.
[Chittering.]
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Doctor.
Yes, Bruba Here's a new customer for our travel agency.
L Just in time too, Brubaker.
Yes.
I brought him in on the plane with me this morning.
And guess what.
What? I bought him from my son for 65 cents.
Sixty [Laughs.]
Let's put him over here, Brubaker.
Yes.
He certainly is a woolly one, isn't he? Yes.
I've always wanted to send a bat into orbit.
[Squeaking.]
Ah.
[Chuckles.]
Listen to that.
It's almost as if he understood us.
He's so eager to go.
We've known for some time that bats, uh, possess some sort of radar.
Now we want to find out if their signals can be picked up by our own equipment.
Ah.
We're going to send this little fellow into orbit, and then we'll track him with our equipment.
Right.
You know what? I think we'll send him up on that Thermal 2 that's, uh, scheduled to be blasted off tomorrow morning.
Oh, but, Dr.
Grant, we haven't yet succeeded in recovering a Thermal 2.
Oh, I know.
But the, uh, success of the experiment doesn't depend on that particular bat.
We can always get another one, you know.
Poor bat.
This is peculiar, Doctor.
What's that? Have you ever known a bat to faint? ByJove, it is peculiar, isn't it? Herman, don't press your nose against the glass.
You'll get your face all out of shape.
I'm sorry, Lily.
It's just that it's my first plane trip, and I'm so excited.
[Laughs.]
I'm worried about Grandpa.
Now, Lily, we'll be in Washington in less than an hour.
Just settle back and enjoy the trip the way I am.
[Sighs.]
Herman, what are you doing? Lily, Marilyn, Eddie everybody out.
The propellers! The propellers are gone! Take it easy, Pop.
This is a jet plane.
Oh.
Of course.
You know, there is something strange, Lily.
Before we took off, this airplane was filled with people.
As soon as we came on and sat down, they all got up and left.
Well, l I guess maybe they just came to see somebody off.
I wonder where the stewardess is.
She hasn't come near us since we took off.
I think she's probably new on the job and a little nervous about flying.
Remember back at the airport those two men had to shove her on and slam the door behind her? Hey, Pop.
Here comes the girl with the food.
She's gotten over her nervousness.
Miss, uh, uh, you're trembling.
Uh, if it's the fact that there are no propellers, uh, you needn't worry.
It's a jet.
Thank you.
Slow down, Eddie.
Don't bolt your food.
Okay.
Herman, she didn't bring us any salt.
Oh.
I'll call her.
Uh, miss? Uh, stewardess, would you bring the salt, please? Here you are, sir.
Hmm.
You know, Lily, I don't think that young lady has the stuff to make a good stewardess.
Has that bat come to yet? Hmm? Has that bat come to yet? Oh.
No.
But I put something in the cage next to him that should bring him around a female bat.
Oh.
I thought they might as well get used to one another.
I mean, after all, tomorrow they blast off together.
Oh, that's such a good idea.
Let's leave them alone.
Okay.
[Squeaking.]
[Squeaking.]
Hey, buddy, you been here long? Got here Tuesday.
You're new, aren't you? Yeah, just pulled in today.
What goes on in there anyway? From what I hear, you just wouldn't believe the weird things they build in there.
All kinds of kooky things they send into outer space.
What do they look like? Look like? You don't think they'd actually let us see 'em, do ya? No, and I'm not sure I want to anyway.
[Vehicle Approaching.]
Well, here we are.
It's a shame we had to spend all that money on a rented car.
It was impossible to get a taxi at the airport.
I think the taxis are on strike.
When I hailed them, some of the drivers abandoned their cabs right in the middle of the street.
Well, this is the space lab, Pop.
But that signs says keep out.
And look at those guards.
So fierce-looking.
[Door Closes.]
My gosh! So that's what they're building in there.
Yeah.
One of them must have got out.
They must have built it to send to outer space.
Send out? It looks more like something they brought back.
Uh, pardon me.
You'd better get right back in there, mister.
Uh, m-master.
Uh, sir.
They'll be looking for you.
Inside? In the laboratory? Right this way, please.
We're We're your friends, you know.
Thank you.
Uh, you dogfaces are very polite.
See? See? [Chuckles.]
I told you.
Your uncle can charm the vultures out of the trees when he wants to.
Are you sure we'll be able to accomplish the experiment tomorrow? Yes.
Excuse me.
Yes, please.
Uh, gentlemen Oh, dear.
I do believe that you have a Uh, gentlemen? Oh, my.
Oh! No.
That's odd.
Well, genius.
[Squeaking.]
Oh.
There you are, Grandpa.
Come along.
[Chuckles.]
You've been very, very, very, very naughty.
[Wheezing Laugh.]
[Squeaking.]
Say, Brubaker.
Not a scratch.
[Sighs.]
[Glass Particles Rattling On Floor.]
That thing certainly gave me a fright walking in here like that.
Yes, but then I realize that must be what Dr.
Schweinhart and his associates have been working on in such secrecy.
He always gets the most interesting projects.
Yes.
Oh, well.
We have our own work to do.
Right.
Back to our bats.
Yes.
[Clears Throat.]
I say, Brubaker, one of them's missing.
That thing of Schweinhart's must have taken it.
But why? Because Schweinhart must have programmed him to do it.
That's his quaint idea of humor, you know.
Hmph.
Very unprofessional.
Yes.
However, I only need this one for the moment.
Mmm.
I want to test his reflexes.
I say, Brubaker, what's he doing? I'm not sure.
But if he were a human being, I'd say that he was having a tantrum.
Uh-uh-uh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Temper.
Temper.
Easy, boy.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
That's it.
Yeah.
He's a nice guy, isn't he? [Chuckles.]
Easy.
I want to show you something, Brubaker.
This over here will do fine.
[Squeaking.]
You know, I'm really going to miss him.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I want you to watch how his radar works now.
I'm going to head him towards the wall.
He'll fly to within inches of it, then wheel off gracefully and avoid it.
Are you ready? Of course.
Here we go.
Well, Brubaker, it looks like we got stuck with the stupid one.
Quick, Brubaker! Grab him! Say, are you lookin' for a bat? Yes.
Uh Oh.
He went that way.
That way.
[Chuckles.]
Modern science.
Uh, I say there, Corporal.
Yes, sir! Uh, would you mind calling a cab for me for the airport? I'm taking a plane home.
I'd fly there myself, but I've had a very trying day.
Yes, sir! Who's the V.
I.
P.
? I don't know, but he wants a cab.
Get a load of the outfit on him.
Yeah, but you know how the air force is.
It must be their new dress uniform.
[Squeaking.]
Will you come out of there, Grandpa, and change back into yourself? He's probably sulking because the airline made him ride back in the baggage compartment.
Please, Grandpa, I'll never trade you for a rotten, old squirrel again.
Maybe we should give him a piece of cheese.
Maybe we oughta give her a piece of cheese.
It's not a her.
It's a him.
Will you keep out of it? We know what we're doing.
[Herman.]
Grandpa.
How can you be there when you're here? Well, I just flew in from Washington.
Herman, you grabbed the wrong bat out of the laboratory.
That's Cleo, a female bat who they were gonna send up into orbit with me.
Gee, Grandpa.
It's nice to have you back.
Oh, Grandpa, we're glad you're home.
[Laughs.]
You're telling me.
You know, I'm as patriotic as the next fellow, but I'm not anxious to be the first bat on the moon.
[Squeaking.]
Look! Igor's back.
[Laughing.]
[Squeaking.]
[Chortles.]
Well, look how that old rascal's going for Cleo.
[Marilyn.]
Isn't it romantic? I always thought that bat was part wolf.
Grandpa, what are they talking about? Well [Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, Eddie.
Herman, I think it's about time you had a little father-and-son talk with Eddie here.
You know, about the, uh, bats and the bees.
[Mouthing Words.]
[Whispering.]