The Neighborhood (2018) s01e20 Episode Script

1 (MAN PANTING) Hey, Calvin.
Hey, how was your run? Oh, it was great; I did five miles but I could really use some new shoes.
Oh, my bad.
I thought you were gonna say "cool down.
" Hey, did you see the ambulance in front of Mr.
Benson's last night? Yeah.
Any idea what happened? I want to get some intel so I can update our neighborhood Facebook page.
We have a neighborhood Facebook page? How many people are on it? (CHUCKLES) Well, as soon as you accept my friend request, two.
So do you know what happened to Mr.
Benson? Yeah.
He dead.
Whoa, wha-what? Calvin.
That that's terrible.
You wouldn't say that if you knew him.
I mean there's a reason that people in this neighborhood called him "Mean Mr.
Benson.
" I didn't know they called him that.
Yeah, probably like you don't know they call you "Bobblehead Dave.
" Oh, I know it and I love it.
So what was so mean about Mr.
Benson? Oh, everything.
The man has terrorized this neighborhood since I was a kid.
Always yelling at people to cut their grass or pull their trash cans up.
And if ever I had a ball or a Frisbee go into his yard, never saw it again.
(CHUCKLES) You know, that actually reminds me.
I accidentally threw our Frisbee into your backyard the other day.
- Green one? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Haven't seen it.
Well, you know I'm sure Mr.
Benson wasn't all bad.
I mean, take my Aunt Phyllis.
Nobody liked her, but once you got over the fact that she treated her pets better than people and pretty much despised all of humanity, she made the most delicious rhubarb pie.
Well, Mr.
Benson was so mean, not even the Jehovah's Witnesses would knock on his door.
And they talk to anybody.
I know, aren't they the best? But then they're always like, "We got to go now, Dave.
" So, do you know when they're having his funeral? I don't know.
He was such a loner.
There probably won't be one.
And even if there was, no one would go.
Man, that's so sad, Calvin.
- Yeah - We should do something to remember him.
We should put his death on the neighborhood Facebook page.
What So you'll accept my friend request? Sure.
Just as soon as he does.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Mm.
Oh.
Okay.
"Ten Ways to Please Your Man.
" All right, well, let's see what's on the menu for this weekend.
Okay, okay, I ain't mad at that.
I see you, number seven.
(CHUCKLING): Okay.
Oh, number nine, you just a little ol' freak.
(LAUGHS) Let's see what number ten is Oh, hell no.
No, nuh-uh, oh.
No, uh-uh.
(GRUNTS) Oh.
(TINA GRUNTING) - Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey, Calvin.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's all this? Well, we just came from the church meeting about Mr.
Benson passing.
And since he didn't have any people, I offered to throw the repass here.
- What? - And then I discovered that a repass was kind of like a funeral after-party and we were off to the races.
Uh, hold on, Tina.
We're not hosting a repass for somebody I hated.
I wouldn't host one for myself and I love me.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I didn't like him any more than you but it's the Christian thing to do and besides, I've thrown plenty of stuff for you that I didn't want to.
- Like what? - Like that end of the year banquet for your bowling team where you all just sat around and complained about being robbed.
They overwaxed the lanes, Tina.
(GROANS) You know, this repass has your name written all over it.
Oh, you mean like my Frisbee? Hey Calvin, don't worry, okay? I'm pitching in, too: I'm picking up flowers and I volunteered to say a few words on - on Mr.
Benson's behalf.
- But you didn't even know the man.
And I'm about to change that.
I'm gonna ask people in the neighborhood for their fond memories of him.
Oh, okay.
Here's one.
For Halloween, he threw rocks at me and yelled at me, "Get off my lawn, Wack Ninja!" I wasn't even a ninja, Dave.
I was a black ghost.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Calvin, I've never seen a black ghost.
Well, trust me.
In this neighborhood, you don't want to walk around with a white sheet - over your head.
- Okay.
Fine, you know what? Maybe Mr.
Benson was a little bit grumpy.
But I believe that if you look hard enough, there's something nice to say about everybody.
Oh, see? This is about your bitter old aunt and her bitter rhubarb pie.
Oh, no, no, no.
My aunt was bitter.
The rhubarb pie was incredible, Calvin.
It's so nice of you guys to host Mr.
Benson's repass.
Well, it's the right thing to do.
Get the neighborhood together, everybody brings food and bam! There's enough leftovers that Mama doesn't - have to cook for a week.
- (LAUGHS) Hey, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
I've been thinking about Mr.
Benson.
Where do people go when they die? Oh, um uh, well that's a good question.
And the answer is very complicated.
You see, existence is a complex thing Do you know, Miss Tina? Well, of course I do.
If you're good, you go to this glorious place in the sky called Heaven, filled with angels and toys and all the candy you can eat.
Cool.
See, Mom? Simple.
Well, that wasn't exactly the answer I was gonna give.
I know, girl, but I got a repass to plan.
- We would have been here all day.
- (CHUCKLES) I didn't even think about all the questions this was gonna raise for Grover.
Well, why don't you just tell him what you think? Because that's exactly what my parents did to me.
They told me what to believe.
I-I'd rather have Grover figure it out for himself.
I respect that.
I mean, it's blasphemous, but I respect it.
(LAUGHS) Hmm.
And what's this? Looks like somebody wants an early birthday present.
- CALVIN: Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Got the food for the repass.
Calvin, what is this? I told you to get finger foods.
Oh, I did.
You can eat these day-old bagels with your fingers.
Oh, he's just being cheap because Mean Mr.
Benson never paid him for mowing the lawn in the summer of '79.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is there a statute of limitations on making a black ghost cry? Calvin, don't you think you're being a little ridiculous? Just let it go.
Oh.
This from the lady who had to switch grocery stores for being called out for having more than 12 items in the express lane.
If they're gonna count gum as an item, it shouldn't be at the register.
Hey, hey.
Turns out half my childhood was in Mean Mr.
Benson's backyard.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, lookee here.
It's Marty's little army doll.
Hey, man.
He was a prisoner of war for 15 years.
Welcome home, soldier.
- So much has changed.
- (GROANS) Oh, what's that? Oh, no, Malcolm still lives here.
Mom, what's a massage parlor? What? What Why would you ask that? I'm looking for Heaven on Google Maps and it says it's a massage parlor in Koreatown.
Oh, okay, I-I, uh I think that's enough screen time for today.
Hey.
I've been meaning to talk to you about what Miss Tina said about Heaven.
- Okay.
- It's just that not everyone sees "heaven" the same way Miss Tina does.
- They don't? - No.
For example, some people believe that heaven exists inside your heart.
And others believe that heaven is here on Earth and that our souls just keep coming back as a new being, like a turtle or a horse.
Cool.
I want to come back as a dung beetle.
What? Why would you want that? It's the world's strongest insect.
It can carry a thousand times its body weight.
Yes.
Of dung.
I know! Hey, Dad, I'm gonna be a dung beetle.
Oh, awesome, buddy.
World's strongest insect.
(SIGHS) - Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Did you have any luck finding out about Mr.
Benson? No.
I went door-to-door through the entire neighborhood and the only thing I heard about him was that he was from New Orleans and they wish he had died there.
Geez, he sounds like a real Aunt Phyllis.
I know, but you I'm not giving up until I find his rhubarb pie.
And you will.
Because you can find the good in anybody.
Thank you.
But you really got to stop inviting the Jehovah's Witnesses to stay for dinner.
Hey, Miss Kim.
Uh, I knocked on your door earlier, but I guess you weren't home.
Oh, no, I was there.
I saw you, Bobblehead Dave.
I, well, you know, I was just wondering if you had any positive memories about Mr.
Benson - from before he died.
- No.
That old bastard.
Tina, how much did we pay for all this food? About a half a bowling party, not including the trophies you bought yourselves.
Well, I think it's a waste of our money and a waste of our hospitality.
And why nobody eating these bagels? Oh, no.
(PAINED GRUNT) They're delicious.
Oh, shoot, here comes Miss Kim.
Hide me.
- Oop (LAUGHS) Too late.
- No, no, no.
Oh, Marty.
Aren't you looking like a whole snack? Uh, don't you mean Malcolm? Ah, Malcolm got too old.
(LAUGHS) Well, little brother, do not break her heart.
Or her hip.
(CLEARS THROAT) Marty, you know, I need someone young to keep up with me and you look like you've been working out.
Well, you know, I have been taking the stairs at work.
(BOTH SHOUTING) CALVIN: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You want to run, go outside.
And who left my door open? I'm not trying to air condition the whole neighborhood.
You don't have the A/C on.
Well, they don't know that.
Hey, little boy, come on, get out of my chair.
You don't have a job, you haven't earned the right to recline.
Fine.
Mean Mr.
Butler.
W-What'd you call me? He called you Mean Mr.
Butler, you old bastard.
Hey, guys, I really need your help.
It's down to the wire and no one has said a single nice thing about Mr.
Benson.
Do you have anything I can work with? Well, there was that one summer he hired us to plant a vegetable garden.
Oh, right, we grew all those beautiful tomato plants.
That's exactly what I'm looking for.
Yeah, then he pelted us with them when we rode our bikes on the sidewalk.
Okay, well, uh, so far, that's the one to beat.
Hey, I just got called Mean Mr.
Butler.
What? By who? That little punk, Apple Head Fred.
- Oh.
- Oh.
What is he talking about? I'm not mean.
Well, Dad, just last week, you called the city on Kayla Watkins's lemonade stand because she didn't have a "permit.
" I was looking out for the neighborhood.
That little hustler was cutting the sugar with Sweet'N Low.
Yeah, you're a real pillar of the community, Pop.
That's what I keep saying.
Look, everybody around here loves me.
Especially the kids.
You know what? I'll prove it.
- Oh, no, no.
- No.
- No, no, no.
- No, don't.
No.
No Hey, little rascals.
Who wants cake? M-Mom Berlene, you better toughen that little boy up, 'cause he's gonna get beat up in high school.
So has Grover figured out the afterlife for himself yet? Yep, and he wants to come back as the world's most disgusting bug.
(LAUGHS) You must be proud.
You know what? I am.
He's a smart kid.
He'll figure it out.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Do you believe in heaven? Yeah, I do.
But I mean, how can any of us be sure what it's really like? It's called faith, Gemma.
It's like driving around with an expired license.
You got to trust and believe that you won't get caught.
And so far, I haven't.
That's Jesus.
(LAUGHS) Well, I guess the good thing is we all get to paint our own picture of what heaven is.
Well, all I know is, in my heaven, everybody that I love is there.
Ooh, and they're waiting for me at a Prince concert.
(BOTH LAUGH) In my heaven, it's the Backstreet Boys.
Ooh, and I can eat all the cheesecake I want and never gain a single pound.
Well, Gemma Johnson, I hope to see you in my heaven.
Aw, I hope I see you in mine.
And if you go first, will you save me a seat - at your Prince concert? - Oh, most definitely.
And if I go first, I'll save you a spot at the Backstreet Boys.
I'm good.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Kayla.
- Nice seeing you - Don't even.
You shut down my lemonade stand.
Snitch.
Well, it's people like you that make it hard to support black businesses.
Well, okay, to answer your question, Grover, as scientists, we learn about the law of conservation, which states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
But if my mama asks, it's what? All Jesus all the time.
Yeah.
What do you think, Malcolm? Well, there's actually this great book - I'm out.
- Yeah, me, too.
So, so, what I'm saying is that Mean Mr.
Benson might just be the most repulsive, vile, despicable human I've ever come across.
And I hope he rots in hell.
Okay.
Well Thanks, Reverend.
CALVIN: Hey, Dave.
Thank God, man, look, I need to hear this.
Please tell me, there's something good in everyone, right? I wish I could, but it's a lie.
It is a damn, dirty lie.
No, no.
Come on, that's not true.
It no, some people will only be remembered for yelling at children and bossing people around and spewing negativity up and down the streets.
Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bad.
Dave, if you're gonna say something, say it now.
These vultures got me down to one day of leftovers.
You know what, Tina? I don't think I'm going to, because for the first time in my life, I don't have anything good to say.
No, Dave, do not talk like that.
Come on, man.
It's like I tell everyone, if you look hard enough, you can find the good in everybody.
Dad, you have 100% never said that.
Uh, but you have said, "I wish The Purge was a real thing.
" Yes.
Well, obviously, you just don't know me.
Just like you didn't know Mr.
Benson.
Yo, can I have everyone's attention? Come on.
Everybody just gather around here.
Come on, now.
We are here to celebrate the life of a great man.
Oh, wait.
Someone else die? No.
I'm talking about Mr.
Benson, who some of you refer to as "Mean Mr.
Benson.
" Shame on you.
Because more than anything, Mr.
Benson was misunderstood.
Yeah, now, I know a lot of you know him as the mean old grouch who stole your toys or insulted your Halloween costumes or yelled at you about cutting your grass.
Uh, yeah, because he did all those things.
Yes, he did.
But what you don't know is the reason why he did those things is because he cared about this neighborhood.
Maybe he kept the toys that went into his yard to teach you the value of your belongings.
And maybe he yelled at you about mowing your lawn so you could take pride in your homes.
And just maybe he shut down a lemonade stand to teach a young entrepreneur that some people know the difference between taste of sugar and Sweet'N Low.
Hey, yo, do you think Dad is talking about Mr.
Benson - or himself? - I think both.
He may have eaten one too many dumpster bagels.
Yeah.
So basically what I'm saying is that before you call someone mean, ask yourself is the more appropriate word "hero"? He did it.
He found the rhubarb pie.
Dave, black people don't slow clap.
Hey, what are you doing out here, little man? Not much.
Just thinking about life and death.
And how much cake I can eat before my parents catch me.
You know, you're the only little kid around here that doesn't run away from me.
Why would I run away? I don't know.
Maybe because I'm Mean Mr.
Butler.
I don't think you're mean.
You just always think you're right.
Mm, for the record, that's because I am.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah, shoot.
Where do people go when they die? I've asked everyone, and they all say different stuff.
Hmm.
You know, I've been thinking about that a lot today, Grover.
- You know what I've decided? - What? That maybe we shouldn't worry so much about where we go after we die, as long as we're good to each other when we're here.
Want a piece of my cake? (CHUCKLES) Thanks, buddy, but I'm kind of filled up on bagels.
(BAND PLAYING "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN") - Ooh! Ooh, the band's here! - Oh.
You got a band? Yes.
Mr.
Benson was from New Orleans, so I thought we'd send him out in style.
Well, Calvin Butler, that was a beautiful speech that you gave.
Oh, thank you, baby.
Well, I found that, uh, page from the magazine in your chair.
Oh So how about we keep this celebration going later with a number 12? What's a number 12? It's a number eight and a number four at the same time.
(LAUGHS) Well, all right!