The New Normal s01e20 Episode Script

1 DAVID: You really t? FREDDIE: Yes, absolutely.
Oh, you guys were gone for so long.
How was your hike in Runyon Canyon? It was crazy Bar Refaeli was there and she passed out.
David gave her mouth-to-mouth.
Which was wasted on him.
I could've done that.
He totally CPR-blocked me, man.
Well, good for you.
Just wash your lips before you come to bed tonight.
Well, I ended up having a great time with Donny.
I can't wait till we have a son that I can do outdoor stuff with.
You mean like the camping trip I have tomorrow night with Donny's Cub Scout troop? You really think it's fun to sleep on the ground, listen to kids complain about no Internet and think every sound they hear is a ghost rapist? DAVID: Are you kidding me? I would love to do that.
After all, I am an Eagle Scout for life.
"Once an Eagle, always an Eagle.
" And one day our son will be one, too.
What? No.
No, I'm no letting our son be a part of the Boy Scouts.
I mean, not that they would let him be involved anyway.
Not with two gay dads.
That's their policy.
Oh, come on, they don't enforce that.
Yes, they do.
They kick out more gay men than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Don't you read the news? Look, I know that the Boy Scouts haven't exactly rolled out the red carpet for gay people, but this isn't about politics; It's about boys toasting marshmallows and making lanyards and learning that when a black bear attacks, you play dead, but when a grizzly bear attacks, you stand up and you fight.
And when a West Hollywood bear attacks, you pretend to hate it.
I just can't believe you would support an organization that excludes you.
I support the virtues that the Scouts teach: To be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, courteous, thrifty and brave.
Oh, so they're the ones that taught you that thrifty is a virtue.
No, that was Rabbi Abramowitz.
Look, I know that you think this is a joke, but the Scouts taught me the life skills that I use to this day.
Dude, you're so into this Scouting stuff, you're the one that should chaperone this overnight.
Are you kidding me? I would love to.
Fine, go.
Maybe you can earn your hypocrisy badge.
Are there really bears in West Hollywood? Yes, but don't worry, you have to be 21 or over to get in those places.
Thank you for helping me update this business software, Rocky.
Well, a business woman has to manage her money.
Trust me, I know.
Six years ago I went into debt buying Balenciaga gold leggings like Beyoncé wore to the BET Awards.
Split up the back when I dropped my lollipop.
Ooh.
So, how long have you had this computer? Oh, it was a gift.
It's not really much of a gift.
I mean, I just cleared the memory off my old computer, bounced on some extra RAM.
And loaded Quicken and a spreadsheet generator.
Look, Mom, it's like a really heavy, slow iPad.
Oh, thank you so much, Brice.
So, your nana's man gave you a computer, helped you find a business property and didn't take a commission? Mm-mm.
You don't need Quicken to tell you that doesn't add up.
I feel like you want me to think that's bad? You are so damn country, honey.
This is L.
A.
You do not trust any man who gives you a gift over $20 unless he is your man-man, blood relation, employer or a pimp, which is the same thing.
Let me know if you have any questions about this software.
I'm off to a meeting.
Ooh, a meeting? Where are we off to today, fellow businesswoman? To a place I like to call "mind your own damn business.
" (quietly): 'Kay.
Have fun.
Phew, for a second there, I really thought you were going to embarrass yourself, but that little cap pulled it all together.
You know, Bry, you don't always have to be so brutally honest.
Some things are better left unsaid.
What? I didn't say anything about your neckerchief.
Welcome, to the Tuesday meeting of Loveaholics Anonymous.
My name is Ben, and I'm a loveaholic.
OTHERS: Hi, Ben.
BEN: L-Anon is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to stop the unhealthy patterns of relying on love and intimacy.
Remember, let's please avoid trigger words such as the names of dating Web sites, Nicholas Sparks and "die alone.
" I have two days of abstinence from fantasizing about my landlady, Estafania.
I just relapsed.
But I couldn't eat at the restaurant because I'm in Overeaters Anonymous and he couldn't pay the bill because he's in Debtors Anonymous, so we ended up doing cocaine in his minivan, which would've been a slipup in Narcotics Anonymous, but I don't really need that program, so I quit going.
And so I sent an e-mail to his fiancée that said, "If I can't have Richard, I'll turn your face into a toilet bowl of blood.
" I heard about y'all on a Tavis Smiley episode, which I was watching because I am I mean, was, in love with him.
I've made so many foolish choices for love.
Darnell, you hungry, baby?! I got what you need! Love me! (glass shatters, siren whoops) I had to get honest with myself and say, "Rocky, you need help.
" And that's why I'm standing here celebrating 90 days of abstinence from love addiction.
(applause) BEN: Does anyone else want to share? Anyone? MAN: Ah, what the hell.
BEN: Hey.
(gasps) I'm Brice.
I'm a loveaholic, uh, romance addict and-and basically a compulsive playa, whatever.
OTHERS: Hi, Brice.
Hi.
If you're a woman, uh, I will make you fall in love with me no matter how much chaos it causes.
That's always been my drug of choice.
Hi.
How was your camping trip? I am not going to lie, it was pretty incredible.
We set traps, built lean-tos, identified edible plants.
It's hard for me to share in your excitement when I know you also pooped in the woods like animals.
Not like animals they don't bring their own wipes.
Oh, my God, I missed it so much.
Being in the wilderness.
Teaching the kids all those skills.
Okay, who's hungry? Bryan, I was awesome.
It sounds rustic and unsanitary.
And strangely sexy.
And they were okay with you being gay? Actually, it never really came up.
DONNY: I want to be an Eagle Scout, just like you, Scoutmaster David.
So, Dave, uh, no kids of your own yet, huh? Well, actually, we're expecting a boy in June.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'll bet the old ball and chain is counting down the days till that happens, huh? Oh, no, I dropped my weenie in the embers.
Uh, don't worry, I'll take care of this.
So, sort of a lie of omission.
Bryan, I know you want to paint the Boy Scouts as some sort of hate group, but I had a great time.
And you know what? The troop is meeting again on Thursday, and I'm going to take Donny to that, too.
Okay.
Well, if you're convinced they're so accepting of a gay person in their group, why don't you have the meeting here where you live with a man who you take baths with.
Fine, I think that's a great idea.
And if it makes you feel better, I'll put a big gay badge on my sash.
Hmm, an organization that discriminates against gay people, yet mandates all its members wear a sash.
Interesting.
Now, in order to earn your entomology badge, you have to not only know what an insect is, but also what an insect isn't.
Now, who can take a look at the board and tell me which of these is not an insect? Go.
(shouting answers) Wrong.
None of them are.
They are arachnids.
BOYS: Oh You know everything, David.
I mean, you should get a merit badge in just overall smartness? You mean, like this one? My mom made that.
Although, not officially sanctioned.
And your house should have one for tasteful decorating.
Thank you, but I cannot take credit for that.
That goes to my better half.
(door closing) (clears throat) Who, I believe, just arrived.
Uh, just excuse me one second.
(low chatter) Hey.
Glad you're here.
Are you sure you want to do this? Yep, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
They're going to love you.
Hi, everybody.
I would like you to meet Bryan.
He is my life partner.
My fiancé, in fact.
We're getting married.
And we're having a-a baby boy soon.
Just two men, in love.
Sharing a life.
Bryan Collins.
(sighs) Obviously, you didn't tell us everything.
Like, how did you land yourself an Eagle Scout, Bryan? David is amazing.
You're a very lucky man.
Don't I know it.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Oh, there's so so many of you.
Hi.
Hey, Lil' Shane.
How's my sweet Nikki? Did she give you any trouble today? No, I love babysitting Nikki.
In fact, we're playing Project Runway.
I'm Nina Garcia and I'm about to deliver an icy, scolding criticism of this.
(Rocky gasps) You know, until this moment, I haven't considered the possibility of your weirdness rubbing off on her.
I am kind of her role model.
Hmm, so what's with all these boxes? Did you jack a Staples? No, Brice borrowed them from his office to give to Mom for her new business.
And he brought me the sweet potato flavored Japanese candy I love that I'll assume he paid for.
He's so awesome.
Shania, how often does Brice stop by here to see your mom? Not every day or anything.
Sometimes he visits at her new store instead.
Mm-hmm.
Are you ever going to pay me for babysitting? Not now, baby.
I got real problems.
Bryan, can I ask your opinion about something? Is it about your attraction to Colin Powell? Because I completely understand.
It's a power thing.
No, I was wondering if you would tell the truth even if what you say may hurt that person's feelings.
You think I'm fat.
I'm not even talking about you.
You think David's fat.
You should definitely say something.
This is not about you or David.
Then I'm less interested.
(sighs) I don't want to say something to someone, but by not saying something, it could mess up someone else's life.
Who are all these anonymous people? I can't say.
Further disinterested.
Look, Rocky, sometimes you think the truth is going to hurt, but it ends up helping.
Like how I encouraged David with the Boy Scouts the other day.
The whole thing was a huge success, and now we're gonna have more Scouting events at the house.
And that was supposed to encourage me? My point is, is that by being honest, David is able to be who he is in a group that he loves.
To me, the truth is an obligation: You just have to say it out loud.
Okay.
Well you look like a real skinny Bob's Big Boy.
Damn.
You're right.
(snaps fingers) That felt really good to get that off my chest.
Skinny? Excuse me, fellow love addict.
May I have a word? (quietly): Careful.
She is aggressive and broken.
Hey, what's up, Rocky? Oh, and may I say, the way you look in those black suede Christian Louboutin ankle boots, that is proof there's a higher power.
Yeah, well, if you don't back up off of Goldie, I will apply the red bottom of these boots to your ass.
What are you talking about? I'm just trying to help her launch her business.
Goldie is a pregnant woman with a ten-year-old and an ex who is not out of the picture and a grandmother who you are dating! And you call that "recovery" and "integrity" and "honesty"? Bitch, please.
Do you want to see honesty? Come here.
Look into this room.
This room that is where I'm learning to be of service to people.
That is why I'm helping Goldie.
If you don't back up off of Goldie, I will tell her that you are a love addict with an agenda to get into her elastic-waist pants.
Believe that.
You know what? It's time for you to stop protecting Goldie and start taking care of yourself.
Ben, stop trying to smell my hair.
You are so sick.
What is this? That is a pinewood derby car.
I made it for you in Scouts to say thank you.
It's your Range Rover.
Aw, you even put the little steering wheel on the right.
How faithful to the pretentious British engineering.
What are you thanking me for? Well, without you, I don't know if I would've had the courage to be honest about who I am with the Scout troop.
I was just a confused kid when I joined the Scouts, looking for something I don't even know what.
And what'd you find? I found role models.
I found men that showed me how to be the father that I hope to become.
Something that my father wasn't able to do.
You know, when I joined the Scouts, with all the other kids and their fathers around, it was like family.
I mean, that's why I was scared to tell everybody that I was gay.
I mean, 'cause it felt like I was coming out all over again.
Thank you for keeping me honest.
You're welcome.
But, David, why are there tiny cigarette butts in the ashtray? I'm just keeping you honest.
Uh-huh.
Oh, honey, you got a letter from the Scouts today.
(water running) Ooh.
(water stops running) "homosexual conduct" "your Boy Scout membership revoked.
" Sorry, what'd you say? Boy Hunger Games.
Scoutmaster David! At ease, troop.
I'm just here for some grown-up talk with your dads.
Come on.
We're going for our archery badges.
Show us how you do it.
(others agreeing) I can't help you, boys.
I'm sorry.
What's up, D? BRYAN: He calls you D? (sighs) Someone reported me to the Boy Scouts of America.
BRYAN: As an "avowed homosexual.
" A term I admittedly love.
Makes me feel like an old-fashioned gay like Alexander the Great or Jim Nabors.
DAVID: I was kicked out.
I'm no longer an Eagle Scout.
What? Can they even do that? Look, I was honest with you guys about who I am.
Just be honest with me about which one of you reported me.
Me? Dude, come on.
I wish I could be gay.
So much more sex, so much less listening.
I would never do that.
You guys were cool as hell to us.
One of the kids probably told their parents.
I don't know.
FREDDIE: No one cares about the gay thing.
The Scout board's voting on it in May.
They're gonna shoot it down.
Probably.
Just hang with us in the meantime.
HANK: No one cares about any Scout rules.
You ever actually read the manual? Do I look fit of mind and body? And don't get me started on the self-abuse chapter.
FREDDIE: For real.
What grown man would actually want to live by these principles? I would.
David would.
Loyal, trustworthy, kind.
When the Scouts can live up to the values that they taught me, I'm happy to be of service.
How can you disrespect the Scouts like this? I thought you loved them.
I do.
But they don't respect the way that I love.
Hi, Rocky.
I'll make this quick.
I don't like parking my car in your neighborhood.
Brice is bad news.
I can't say how I know, but he's a love predator.
Who, Brice? What are you talking about? He's only ever been nice to me.
Goldie, I know you're from Ohio, but men have penises in the Midwest, don't they? Yes.
Except for that man who fell into his threshing machine.
Brice is trying to take advantage of you.
You better watch your back and your front.
But, in-in your case, your back.
Oh Brice has been nothing but a gentleman to me.
I mean, if anyone's taking advantage of anyone, it's it's me.
(sighs) The truth is, I think I have a secret crush on Brice.
And the reason he keeps coming over is 'cause I keep making up excuses to see him.
You have a computer problem? I'm trying to come up with a log-in password, Uh-huh.
And it keeps calling it "weak.
" It's really shaken my confidence.
Oh, simple.
Just think of your favorite character from literature and the age you lost your virginity.
Ooh, I got it.
Garfield15.
(typing) Please don't tell Nana or Brice.
This is the first time I've admitted it to anyone, including myself.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you: 90 days ago, I realized I was spending my time focusing on a man instead of myself.
And that's what I'm starting to see you do.
When you put it like that, it kind of makes the secret crush less fun.
Since I stopped worrying about "he" and started thinking about "me," I'm happier than I've ever been.
I know.
I've watched you grow.
You're amazing.
But how did you know that's what you needed to do? I looked at you, and I said, "If this dumb-ass Ohio girl can make a great life "and a successful business out of nothing by focusing on her family and herself, so can I.
" Aw.
Rocky.
This Brice thing is just a distraction from you.
It's not real.
And you are a miracle.
Aw.
(chuckles) (doorbell rings) Hey, David.
Oh Scoutmaster Pat.
Come on in.
Um, I just wanted to let you know my son Kyle, uh, quit the Scouts.
Said he didn't want to be part of an organization that discriminated against men like you.
Well, that's very brave.
That's exactly the kind of Scout that they need.
In the spirit of Scout's honor, I, uh I feel that you deserve to know the truth: I was the one who called the national office about you.
Look, everyone knows you're everything an Eagle Scout should be.
But it's not just that.
You know, you're you're a successful doctor, you have a beautiful home and you have a supportive partner you have it all.
And, uh and I want my son to have it all, too.
Yes, well, I'm sure that he will.
But I want him to have it all with a woman.
You are a perfect role model, but the truth is I don't want you to be the role model for my son.
I'm no homophobe.
I like you.
My son loves you.
Ever since he met you, he's done nothing but talk about how great you are and how he wants to be just like you.
But I want him to be, you know normal.
Well, thank you for your honesty.
(sighs) When I joined the scouts, the most coveted badges you could earn were archery and Indian lore.
Today, it's robotics and nuclear medicine.
I know equally cool, right? No one can deny the world is changing.
And in some ways, the Scouts have proven they can change with it.
So I'm going to honor the oath I took and use all the values I learned: Honesty, perseverance, bravery and courage to fight for change, so that maybe one day, I can help my son earn his own badges.
Like the Scouts taught me: Be prepared.
Because change is coming.