The Persuaders (1971) s01e20 Episode Script

'A little known section of the East-West border, 'what I call ulcer country.
'Waiting on our side was John Cavendish, British intelligence, 'and me, Joe Pfeiffer, US intelligence.
'Although we're working together on this, Cavendish doesn't trust me 'and it's a sure thing I don't trust him.
' 'The reason for this operation is Felix Meadowes - 'the hottest and highest paid freelance spy in the business 'and for all the Western Allies, a very important guy.
'It took months of tough negotiations to arrange this exchange 'until finally we handed over one of their key agents.
'The exchange was scheduled top-secret.
'But when two of Felix's friends showed up, 'I began to wonder.
'This should have been a simple, routine operation 'but the way my ulcer was playing up, 'I knew sure as hell something was going to get fouled up.
' I've retired.
Of course, dear boy, you've been through a great deal but just a few routine questions.
Go on.
We jointly set up the exchange.
That gives us certain rights.
I'm back in the free world.
That gives me certain rights.
Felix! Come back! You double-crossing louse! Thank you, my darling.
You did brilliantly.
Hiring a gunman to create a diversion was a masterstroke.
But we didn't hire any gunman.
- Then who was it? - No idea.
Then someone really tried to kill me.
So he missed it and you're free.
- Now we get to Switzerland - Collect your manuscript write the final chapter and sell to the highest bidder.
I see future all planned.
Keep quite still, my darlings.
If I seem ungrateful, I can only say this hurts me more than I can say.
Brett, are you alone? Who the devil's that? Last time I saw you, you were trying to blow up the headmaster's car.
Felix Meadowes! I thought you were dead or gone to Australia.
- What have you been up to? - This and that government work.
If it's not a rude question, how did you get in here? Same way we got into the school tuck shop - I broke in.
Say what you will about Harrow, they gave us a comprehensive education.
Perhaps I'd better explain.
We'll have a drink first, then I'll decide whether you stay or go.
Sorry Brett, I should have waited outside.
I didn't want to draw attention to my coming here.
There's a chance I was being followed.
Why don't you take your coat off and tell me what it's all about? I'm in trouble, Brett.
- Money trouble? - Woman trouble.
Oh, well, if you're going to have trouble, that's the sort to have.
Not if it means headlines and a messy divorce.
The civil service doesn't approve.
I need your help, Brett.
For old times' sake.
That's gotta be him standing over there.
It's gotta be.
- Mr Pfeiffer? - Mr Wilde.
- Right on time.
- Nice to meet you.
- They called me from the embassy.
- Yeah, we do have to be discreet.
- You understand.
- Of course.
Here, this should explain.
US intelligence.
Yeah, that's you, all right.
Now, what can I do for you? Well, what I have to say is highly confidential and we can talk freely out here.
I'll treat it that way.
In our electronic age, walls have ears, but wide-open spaces can't be bugged.
'You're in a special position to help us.
' - Oh, am I? - Yes, sir.
Take a long look at that picture.
A man called Felix Meadowes, an agent.
For the past ten years, he's spied for the English, for us, the Germans, the French and probably the Russians.
- Busy, wasn't he? - I can sleep better without him.
What can I do for you? - His memoirs.
- His memoirs? You know how some guys have to write everything down? 'Code names, dates, all of it.
' 'It's embarrassing.
' 'It's dynamite! Every agent and every power - NATO, SEATO ' Just don't let him publish it.
- That's not the point! - It's not? I want Uncle Sam to have those memoirs and that's where you come in.
I'm not interested.
- Mr Wilde, let me ask you something.
- What? How well do you know Lord Sinclair? I know him pretty good.
Is he involved in this? Been recruited by the British.
- To do just what you're asking me? - That's right.
You mean we'd be against each other? That's right.
He's my best friend.
I mean, ah I'll do it.
Hup! Felix a spy? I'm not surprised.
He's blown now, of course.
No further use for him.
But it's his confounded memoirs.
He wants to sell them to the highest bidder? - Wouldn't you? - Yes.
Surely he's bound by the Official Secrets Act? Not if he sells to another government and skips the country.
We could be blackmailed forever.
We'd have to recall our entire espionage network - all our spies, thousands of them, made redundant.
I did suggest shooting him but Sir Charles said it wouldn't be cricket.
Quite so, Cavendish.
We are English, you know.
Felix said he had to get out of London for a while - woman trouble.
I have a cousin with a place in Berkshire, so I sent Felix down for the weekend.
We know.
Thought you could approach him on the old school tie basis.
Can't dragoon you, dear boy.
You can say no.
Oh, really, Sir Charles? - In that case - But you'd be letting the side down.
You'd be letting England down.
If this got into the newspapers, there'd be an almighty stink.
We'd have to admit approaching a peer of the realm who refused to help.
Very nasty that would look in print.
- Hmm - Hmm Needless to say, you confide in no one, this is utterly top-secret.
So why not amble down to Berkshire and buy the memoirs? Nothing to it.
Very pleasant, they tell me, this time of the year.
- Master Brett! - Chivers.
My word, you are looking good.
- We've had our problems.
- Really? What's happened? The boiler blew up, there's woodworm in the butler's pantry, the chimney on the south wing is leaning.
Same as usual, then.
Nothing else? My chest plays up in the morning.
I've called a plumber.
Oh, good idea, get a new set of pipes.
And a new flue I shouldn't wonder.
These modern boilers! Always going wrong! - Has Mr Meadowes settled in? - I put him in the west wing, sir.
The other gentleman is in the Regency Room.
Like the old days, sir.
People down for the weekend.
What other gentleman, Chivers? A glass of lemonade would be splendid, Chivers.
Very good, m'lord.
Hello-oh! Welcome, good knight.
Dost thou bring thy sword to aid the King? What on earth are you doing here? How did you know it was me? I'm here because you invited me.
I did? When did I invite you? - When? - Yes.
How many times have you said I should come out and spend the weekend? You must have said it a hundred times.
So here I am.
Any special reason you've come now? - Do I need one? I'm your friend.
- Of course you are.
Well, then, I'm here to see your incestral home.
- ANcestral.
- ANcestral home Any objections? - None at all.
I'm delighted.
- Then I'll stay.
Then kindly put that sword and helmet away.
Of course.
Thank you, Chivers.
Where's Mr Meadowes? I believe he went for a walk in the woods, sir.
Uh You know Felix Meadowes, Daniel? No, Chivers told me about him.
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.
Can't wait to meet him.
- I'll tell him you're here.
- I'll come along.
You might see a pheasant, m'lord.
I'll get the guns.
Thank you, Chivers, a good idea.
You still shoot peasants around here, huh? I'll tell you what, Daniel.
I'll go in the woods and look for Felix, you stay here.
Um Why can't we both go? If I put up a pheasant, he'll run this way.
You'll have a chance of a shot.
Good thinking.
I'll see you later.
Felix! Save me a pheasant, you - Felix! - Brett, keep down.
I AM down.
- Brett! - Don't move.
Don't move Taxi! This is very pleasant but not entirely a surprise.
You were expecting us, Mr Cavendish? Sooner or later, yes.
- Have you been in touch with Felix? - Indirectly.
Oh, don't be so cagey.
We can help you.
- On what conditions? - The right price for the memoirs.
Let's say we're Felix's agents - to see that he doesn't get cheated.
Oh, that's good.
I like that.
- I'm glad we amuse you.
- So let's start talking business.
By all means.
This chance meeting has made my day.
Make mine, guv'nor, tell me where to go.
Oh, round and round the park till I tell you to stop, right? Oh, won't you eat something, Mr Pfeiffer? No, I've got an ulcer.
What's the deal? Felix wants you to have his memoirs.
- How much? - He said you'd understand.
One million American dollars.
He's kidding, of course.
Oh, no.
Look, I haven't got the authority to lay out that kind of dough.
I'll have to call Washington.
Oh, they're not going to like this.
Oh, we're not out to make friends, only to find customers.
We'll wait for your answer, of course, before we approach anyone else.
Excuse me.
- You are a superb liar, darling.
- Thank you.
The important thing about lying is always to be absolutely sincere.
Felix taught me that.
Yes, he's always been a great help to both of us.
How much is a million dollars in roubles? Ah I'll have to work it out.
Russian Embassy? Hello.
Colonel Ivanov, please.
Oh.
No, no message.
Still not available? - Felix! - Feeling better? Yes! Just the guy I wanted to see.
Listen, have you got a minute? Would you scratch my back for me? In the middle.
- Like that? - Yeah, that's perfect.
- You were saying? - Well, I ah There you are.
Felix, you have a drink getting warm.
Daniel, is it ladies' night in the Turkish bath? What was that? All right, who's there? Open it! It's your cousin's house, you open it.
Go on.
- Are you afraid? - Just open it.
Clio, you're a silly old fat cat.
One of these days you'll get yourself locked in there, yes.
- About this afternoon - Obviously a poacher.
Yes.
He showered me with shotgun pellets, probably thought I was a gamekeeper.
Dangerous chap.
I fired a warning shot and you walked bang into the middle of it.
Funny thing, Felix, but most of the poachers I know are never out at that time of day.
Cheers.
What's the matter, Brett? Perhaps he was after your memoirs.
Well, well.
You know, I, ah didn't just drop in for the weekend.
I wondered.
So many years spying for all sides makes one suspicious of everybody.
- Mmm.
- What about your friend Danny? Daniel? He's not involved.
He knows nothing.
If you say so.
- Well, shall we make a deal? - One little thing first.
- Yes? - Who are you working for? - The British, of course.
- Of course.
How's old what's-his-name? - What is his name? - You wouldn't trust your mother.
She used to spy for the Egyptians.
Really? His name is Sir Charles Worthington.
Not to forget Mr Cavendish.
By all means, let's not forget Mr Cavendish.
Well, Felix, they want your memoirs.
Sole copyright to read and destroy at your price.
Just tell me how much.
Half and half, whisky and soda.
I'll have the same.
Hmm? I'm not interrupting anything, am I? No, no, we were waiting for you.
I didn't think I was.
You know the um that guy we thought was a poacher? Well, um Maybe he, ah Maybe he wasn't.
Brett seems convinced that he was.
Thinks he knows the fellow.
No kidding.
Who is he? From the brief description Felix gave me, I think he's a chap called Worthington Foxy Worthington.
Well known in the district.
- He must be pretty rough.
- Thank you.
I found this out in the forest, in the glen.
It's a nine millimetre.
Hit a pheasant with that and you'll end up with a bag of feathers.
Khcka! Khcka! Kitty-cat.
Kitty, pretty little kitty, come on.
Come here, pussy cat.
Come here.
Come, pussy.
Oh! Capitalist, imperialist little monster! Well Well, I think I'll go for a little walk out on the lawn.
- It is freezing out! - Get the city smog out of my lungs.
- Felix, you want to come along? - What can I lose? On second thoughts, why not? The Oaks.
Good evening.
Yes.
Yes, one moment, please.
Mr Meadowes, a call for you, sir.
I'll take it in my room, thank you, Chivers.
Ask whoever it is to wait.
Hold the line, please.
Mr Meadowes asks you to wait.
Why don't you go for your walk? I'll wait for Felix.
Didn't you say it was freezing out? Meow.
I'm sorry, sir.
Mr Meadowes won't be long.
Maybe he got lost.
What with the east wing, west wing - it's a big house.
You could get confused.
- Yes, I'd better look for him.
- Yeah, good idea, Brett.
Chivers, I'll hold that.
You must have a lot of things to do, so you go ahead.
- Thank you, sir.
Extremely kind.
- Think nothing of it, sir.
Yes, Chivers, thank you.
- Meadowes here.
- Felix, I thought I'd lost you.
- Who's this, please? - Benson, of course.
- Oh, how are you, Benson? - We want the manuscript tomorrow.
- I don't think so.
- You said you were ready.
- Well, I'm going to reconsider it.
- Look, we've got signed contracts.
Berkshire 701, this is the overseas operator.
I have a call Mr Meadowes placed with the Acme Publishing Company.
I have him on the line.
Acme Publishing Company?! Felix, what are you up to? - Oh, dear.
- You sold those rights to me! Felix! - Toodle-oo.
- What? Felix! Felix! Felix? Felix? - Last duty, sir.
Hot-water bottles.
- Oh, I see.
The central heating isn't what it used to be.
- Did Mr Felix get his call? - Yes, thanks.
Very quiet here now, sir.
Years ago, the house parties! You never knew what would happen next.
What's that? Somebody hasn't left.
- Hey! - Oh! - What's up? Who was that guy? Huh? - I don't know.
- Have you seen a parcel this size? - He had it with him.
- We've got to get him.
- Why? Would you believe for Queen and country? You're not making much sense.
Help! Well done, Daniel.
I'll take that.
I'll take that, comrades.
You can tell the British and the Americans they've lost this game.
- The British AND the Americans?! - I was going to ask you the same.
M'lord, would you care to take this? My aim isn't what it used to be.
Good chap, Chivers.
I think he's Russian about 40 with fairish hair well-built - Fat! - I'm not fat.
- Fat! - Oh, what's his name? Ivan Alexis Ivanov.
Right, I'll hold on to him until you get down in the morning.
Now, about the memoirs I think we may have to share them with the Americans.
Well, they are on our side, aren't they? Uh, Mr Cavendish isn't happy about you.
Pfeiffer isn't crazy about you either, kid.
Ahem Where's Felix? - You rang, m'lord? - Yes, Chivers, where's Mr Meadowes? After I untied him, I think he went to lie down.
Thank you, Chivers.
- Thank you, Chivers, good night.
- Thank you, sir, m'lord.
- What are you doing with that? - Why? - Pfeiffer says you can't have it.
- Cavendish said the same about you.
So, you decadent countries don't trust each other.
- Butt out! - Thank you, Daniel.
- WE trust each other.
- We do? Yes, let's open it.
Excuse me, why would you want to open it? To prove that we trust each other and see what all the fuss is about.
OK, go.
Ivan Ivanov.
- Go away.
- We've been trying to contact you.
- You have the memoirs? - We know where Felix keeps them.
Felix.
Try not to mention that name to me, please.
I shall tell the Comrade General there are some things that are beyond even a hero of the Soviet Socialist Republic.
We couldn't arrest him.
We sat up with this guy all night long, Your Lordship.
That was a waste of time.
We take one of theirs, they take one of ours.
- Or one of yours.
- Or one of ours AND one of yours.
You'd have been better employed seeing Felix didn't vanish like that.
Excuse me, but why would we? After all we thought this was the real manuscript.
Exactly, how were we to know he'd set up a snare? You've been outsmarted, Sinclair.
Nothing more we can do here.
In that case, Daniel? We'll be glad to show you out.
Come along, Pfeffer.
Pfeiffer, I'm sorry.
I'll just have a word with those two, Cavendish.
You, ah run along.
I'll have a word with them myself, thank you.
Who are they? Your friend Felix was known by different names.
One was Meadowes, the other Schümann.
That lady is Mrs Meadowes, the other one is Madame Schümann.
- Oh, that Felix.
- He always was a character.
With all that spying, you wonder when he had the time.
There goes America.
Do you ever get the feeling your country is in trouble? Yes, every time I look at Cavendish.
So, Felix has done it again.
If it wouldn't make him so happy, I'd divorce him.
I'll kill him.
You know, you and your friend have been very charming.
- Our pleasure.
- But you're wasting your time.
- We won't tell you anything.
- Well, does it matter now? We've retired.
This spy business is not really us.
- You can't trust anybody.
- You're right.
Besides, Felix has flown the coop.
But he'll be back.
Six passports, two bank books.
You don't think he'd leave that behind, do you? - No, not really.
- So if you don't mind, we'll wait.
Mind?! The one thing I have always said about Felix is he has exceptional taste.
Oh, it's a lovely room.
So many beautiful things.
Oh! They are so expensive.
Money can be so useful.
Don't you agree? - Yup, I agree.
- So frustrating, you know.
Everything was set up, everybody was bidding for the memoirs.
You should've had Photostats made, then sell one to everybody.
- You are a nice man.
- You think so? You think just like we do.
I think we're going to be good friends.
- No, I don't trust you.
- Why not? You might want the memoirs yourself, they're very valuable.
- They tried to kill Felix yesterday.
- Again? - It's happened before? - Oh, yes.
- Who is it? - Someone who knows where they are.
Well, where does he keep them? Uh-uh, that's our little secret.
- Oh, His Lordship is here.
- Hello, Daniel.
Tea! How splendid! Excuse me, m'lord.
Will the young ladies be staying this evening? Anything is possible, Chivers.
Very good, m'lord, I'll air extra beds just in case.
- Well, now, isn't this cosy? - Some tea? Thank you, Daniel.
And quite unique - I don't think I have ever taken tea with two ladies who are married to the same man before.
It does sound complicated, I must say.
Not at all.
You see, I lived in Heidelberg, so when Felix was spying in Germany, he stayed with me.
- Ingrid lives in Paris, so - So when he spied in France, he No jealousy? Oh, no.
We didn't know until he was imprisoned.
- What drew you together? - Money.
Money.
He wants two wives - he should provide for two widows.
- It seems fair.
- Yes, I agree.
Especially if somebody's bound to kill him eventually.
- Oh, look who's here.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Yes, isn't it - Like some tea? That would be lovely.
You don't mind if I join you? Of course not.
In fact, I insist.
Why don't you three settle this? I hate to come between a wife and husband and wife.
You figure out the way you want to, OK? You've got to tell me, where do you keep your memoirs, Felix? I'll tell you, Danny dear, in his head.
Take it off, Felix.
Fantastic.
It even fooled the East Germans in prison.
Not bad, is it? A hundred and two pages reduced to that size.
Only one person realised it and he tried to kill me twice.
No, no, my darlings.
Nobody's going to sell or buy.
My story will be published by a man not bound by the Official Secrets Act - he'll print in Switzerland.
He was the highest bidder? No, all I'll get will be author's royalties but I'm vain enough to want to see my name in print and I've got enough to scratch by on.
Besides, my other wife who lives in Southend hasn't got such expensive tastes.
You cheat.
Get it, Heidi.
Drop the gun.
Don't move, any of you.
- Who's moving? - Certainly not I.
Get after him.
- Go on.
- I