The War at Home s01e20 Episode Script

Come on, you guys, let's go! I don't want to be late.
If we're late,my mom's brisket gonna be dryand overcooked.
Yeah, and if make the flight the brisket's gonna be dry and overcooked.
Come on, sweetie--what's with you? I'm sorry, but going to Florida to visit your parents for a week not exactly a dream vacation.
Now if you and the kids went,and I stayed home by myself, that would be a dream vacation.
Come on.
This is gonna be fun.
What's the fun part, eating your mother's disgusting food stuffed with other disgusting food? Or watching your father humiliate you and second-guess every decision you've ever made in your entire life? Yeah-- that.
And the beach.
Honey, I know exactly what's going to happen.
Your father's gonna pick on you and you're gonna keep it all bottled up inside and then you're gonna pick on me.
That's not a vacation.
We do that all year long.
But not on the beach.
Come on,sweetie, this time it's going to be great.
This time I have a plan.
Honey, you can't hide that in your sock.
They have dogs at the airport.
I know that, sweetie.
I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice.
My point is, is this trip, I'm bulletproof.
Okay, my father gets on my case about my "dead-end career"? I'm gonna tell him about the raise I just had.
He teases me about my golf game? I'm gonna tell him about the hole-in-one I got.
He asks me when was the last time I "got some"? I'm gonna say on the plane,in the bathroom.
By the way That means,"It's go-time.
" By the way means, "It's never gonna happen time.
" Come on, honey, I really want this trip to go well.
Please tell me you're not gonna have a bad attitude all week.
No.
I promise, I won't.
Because I'll be drunk.
As of right now, I'm officially on vacation.
Don't expect me to do anything.
For the next week, just think of me as you.
All right.
Check out the ass on me.
Mike! Mike, where's your bags? I don't want to go.
Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go.
Two million Cubans can't be wrong.
Look, Dad, you know I'm afraid of flying.
Are you on that?What are you really afraid of? Uh terrorists? The Gold family doesn't get attacked by terrorists.
We get attacked by heart disease and kidney stones.
Now go get ready.
I hate stupid Florida.
What are you talking about? Florida's great.
They have, uh, Parrot Land and Disneyworld, plus it's the home of dozens and dozens of bad community colleges and if you study incredibly hard, you might be able to get into one.
You don't understand, Dad.
Spencer flirted with me for the first time yesterday, and if I leave now,he'll forget all about me.
Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? Trip's cancelled.
Come on, isn't there one normal person who wants to go on a vacation in this house? Florida sunshine, here I come.
What the hell is in there? Oh.
Delicious, nutritious Quick Thin shakes.
The last time I went to Florida I was too embarrassed to fit into my bathing suit and I got picked on, remember? Right.
I already apologized about that.
Well, this time I've planned ahead.
I've already lost three pounds and if I lose two more, I can fit into my bathing suit.
Please don't tell me it's a thong.
Why do you always do that? Why do you always have to give me a hard time? You know what, I don't even want to go on this trip anymore.
All right, relax.
Come on.
All right, everybody come down here.
Everyone.
Come on, let's go.
We're gonna have a little chat.
Listen to me.
I am only going to say this one time.
I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay, and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific and beautiful family I have.
Oh, my God,you have another family? Oh, my I can't believe this.
We're in the back of the plane, Dad.
What if there are fat people onboard and we crash and burn? I could lose valuable time climbing over the humongous, smoking corpses.
Would you say something to your son, please? Oh, hello.
I'm Vicky Gold.
I'm single and I have no children, and I'm on vacation.
Just relax, okay? You have nothing to worry about.
What happened to the old days when the only people you were scared of at airports were the Hari Krishnas? I actually feel bad for this guy.
Security's going to be all over him.
Sir, you've been randomly selected for a second security screening.
Please come with me.
You're kidding me, right? Ali Baba just waltzes through but you want to frisk the guy with the wife and three kids? Sir, not everyone who's from the Middle East is a terrorist.
Right, right.
Some of them are cabdrivers.
Either way, it's not our policy to racially profile.
Come with me.
Are you wearing a belt? With this outfit?I don't think so.
Hold your arms out to the sides.
By any chance do you have a nipple ring? Oh, of course she doesn't.
It's the under wire from my bra.
Then why is just the left one beeping? Yeah.
Why is just the left one beeping? Uh All right.
Fine.
I have a nipple ring.
What?! Are you crazy? How could you do that to yourself? Because I am a nonconformist.
Besides, all my friends have one.
If all your other friends had herpes, does that mean you want 'em? Just promise me you won't tell Daddy.
I don't know.
I'll try not to tell your father, but sometimes when I'm stressed, I blurt things out.
I have to carry my luggage.
That's so stressful.
No, I-I'll get them for you.
That's right,you'll get them.
And everything else I want you to do this week, you'll do.
You got it? Yes, ma'am.
Go on.
I may actually enjoy this vacation after all.
Whose bag is this? Uh, that's mine.
You on the Quick Thin? Oh! I'm on Jenny Craig.
How you doing? I'm two pounds from my goal.
No kidding.
Hey, Shirley.
Wanda.
He's on Quick Thin only two pounds from his goal.
You should try the butterscotch.
It's delicious.
They have butterscotch? Hey, Shirley, Wanda, Quick Thin has butterscotch flavor.
Huh-huh! Miss Jenny Craig does not have butterscotch.
You go, girl.
You're free to join your family.
Do I have to? Why can't I have the aisle? Because,I'm six-three,200 pounds.
You're five-five, 110.
All right, I'm already sucking knee as it is.
Oh, excuse me.
I believe I'm on the end.
What did he say? All I heard was "the end.
" Hey, Hillary,do me a favor.
Would you rub my neck a little? Getting a little stiff.
Can't you do it yourself?I'm sleepy.
Sure.
Hey.
Maybe I should tell your dad you need a blanket.
It's getting a little nippy in here isn't it? What was that noise? Oh, my God, Dad, I think it's the engines.
What noise? I don't hear anything.
You're right,you're right.
There's no noise.
Wait, why is there no noise? Oh, my God, it is the engines.
Oh, my God, Dad,I can't breathe.
I need to get off this plane right now.
You know what?Drink some of this;it'll calm your nerves.
You can't give him vodka.
We got to do something;he's freaking out.
I already gave him half a Xanax.
Oh, well, in thatGive me this.
You know what? Think I'm starting to feel a little better.
Look on the bright side,all right? At least his first experience with drugs and alcohol, we're there to hold his hand.
What the hell are you doing? They're called tush-ups.
The only time you should be doing that is if you have a woman on your lap.
I want to look good in my new bathing suit.
Can I give you some advice, Larry? Girls don't care about a few extra pounds.
It's all about attitude.
You got to strut down that beach like a man.
And if you see a shell, don't stop and go, "Ooh, this will look so good in my pretty seashell collection.
" You crush it with your foot and you keep walking while you're bleeding and you catch an infection.
Would you please stop it, Dad?You're embarrassing me.
I'm embarrassing you? You're the one who's doing tushy-ups on a plane.
They're not called tushy-ups, okay? You do this all the time.
You try to make everything I do sound stupid.
They're tush-ups!Tush-ups! Fine, fine.
But if you had joined the soccer team like I told you, your tushy wouldn't be so mushy.
That's it, I'm leaving.
Where you gonna go?Jump out of a window? I'm gonna go work out in the bathroom.
It's small, but at least it's not judgmental.
Go ahead.
Honey, is Mike still sleeping? I'm starting to worry about him.
What are you worried about? Oh, I don't know, Dave, the fact that he took pills and liquor.
Half a Xanax and a little vodka will not do him any harm.
It'll just make him sleepy.
Oh, yeah?How do you know? Because I'm a doctor, and I've had two Xanax and a lot of vodka.
You know what it's like being a Middle Eastern man on an airplane? It's very stressful.
You know, I could have sworn I heard somebody at the security call me Ali Baba.
Really? Ugh.
Americans can be very insensitive sometimes.
I'm Canadian, by the way.
Jerry! Jerry! Oh! They're here! I can hear you,I'm not deaf.
Though I pray for it every day.
Oh, hello, hello, hello! Welcome! Ah, the joys of my life.
-Hi, Dave.
-Hi, Jerry.
Oh, Hillary,you look gorgeous.
It's like looking in the mirror.
Come here, baby.
Ow! Ow! Grandma.
Not only is she beautiful, her grades are up this semester.
I've been helping her study.
Good for you.
Your brains come from my side of the family.
Skipped a generation,didn't it? Yeah, kind of like losing your hair.
Good, good.
Hey, Larry, growing up to be a man.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Um, is there any room in the fridge for my Quick Thin shakes? Your what? He drinks 'em for extra protein.
All the linebackers on the team do.
Well, hey, so who would like a drink? I would like a glass of Pinot Grigio.
Big "surprisio.
" None for me, Jerry.
I'll just have vodka.
So who's hungry? I have a chicken,a brisket and stuffed cabbage.
Oh, I'm not hungry, Ma.
I'm still trying to digest what I ate the last time I was here.
Who cares if you're hungry? I cooked it,you'll eat it.
I'd forgotten what a Jewish woman was like.
Speaking of that, how are you, Vicky? Still Catholic, Barbara.
Hey, the place looks fantastic.
If you want your house to look like the gift shop in an Asian museum.
I hate it.
It's like being stationed in Korea again.
Not as peaceful.
Excuse me.
I'm going to go watch my show.
He's having an affair with the television.
If it's not a documentary about The Holocaust, it's a show about animals.
If they ever do a documentary on Hitler's pets, he's going to be in seventh heaven.
I was watching the ticker.
Hey, Davey, come on over here.
Let me ask you something.
How's the market treating you? It's good.
It's good.
Terrific.
Not only do they give me double coupons, they bring my bags right out to the car for me.
I'm talking about the stock market.
You don't know what it's doing, do you? No, I know.
Oh, yeah? What's the Dow at right now--don't look.
Oh, you know,it's up, it's down,it's all around.
Right.
I know that.
Everybody knows that.
Aha!It's 11,062.
I was testing you,and you failed miserably.
Just like college.
Know what he majored in at Stoneybrook? Disappointing me.
That's my favorite joke of yours, Dad.
That one never gets old.
Jerry, here's your plate.
So what's with Mike? Oh, he's just a little sleepy from the flight.
When do we land? Poor thing,he looks wiped out.
Hello, sweetheart.
Do I smell alcohol on his breath? Yeah, Ma, he was a little nervous on the plane.
Roberta's grandson started drinking at his age.
The next thing you know,he's on heroin.
But I got to tell you I got a little raise at work.
-Really.
-Yeah.
-That's wonderful, Dave.
-Thanks, Dad.
Then maybe you can start returning some of the money you borrowed from me.
I don't know if it's the Florida sunshine or I'm just dehydrated from the flight, but I just weighed myself on Grandma's scale and I lost my last two pounds.
I'm exactly 140.
Actually, I keep my scale five pounds lighter so when I wake up in the morning I have a reason to live.
But why burst his little bubble? Oh, that's wonderful,sweetheart! I better get down to the beach before I put any weight back on.
Oh, I was down there this morning for my walk.
There's a lot of beautiful shells.
Really? Don't pick up any shells.
Hey, Larry, wait up.
You can keep me company until I meet normal people.
So, the kids will be going off to college pretty soon, huh? Yeah, don't I know it.
Just out of curiosity, what'd you do with all that money I gave you for their education? Did you invest it? Yeah, yeah, I invested it.
You opened up a savings account,didn't you? You know what I should have done with that money? I should have burned it right there in the street.
It would have generated more interest than your savings account will.
So, Ma, did I tell you? You look great.
Doesn't she look great, Dad? She ought to.
What it cost to suck all that waddle out of her neck.
So, Dave, tell me, did you buy that pharmaceutical stock I asked you to? You know,I don't remember, Dad.
Nobody forgets quadrupling their money.
So my guess is you didn't do it, huh? All right, Dad, listen, I'm not kidding, all right? One more word about money or stocks or investing, and I'm walking out the door.
Okay, so, Dad, how's your golf game doing? Good, good.
Played golf the other day with Mark Fenig.
Oh, yeah? He bought the pharmaceutical stock and it tripled his money.
That's it! We're going! We're leaving! Get your stuff! We're going.
Larry, Hillary, get up here!We're going home! Come on, Dave,you're being crazy.
Vicky, pack your bags.
Pack? We didn't even unpack.
We're not leaving.
We just got here.
What's going on? We're leaving.
Come on, what's wrong with you? Apparently, everything.
I can't walk right,I don't talk right, I can't invest right,nothing I do is right.
Finally, he's saying something I can agree with.
Jerry, shut up.
Dave, don't listen to him! Your father doesn't know what he's talking about.
I know the Dow is 11,062.
If you haven't noticed,I'm a grown man! You know,I have a nice,successful career.
I have a few friends, I have some money in the bank.
And for your information, I had sex in the bathroom of an airplane today.
Don't worry,kids,your mother was there.
But more important than that, I have a family that loves me and adores me, and would do anything in the world for me.
All right?Now let's go! I'm not going! Look at me--I look great.
Me, either.
I just saw some cute guys on the beach and this might be fun.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I said I have a family that loves me and cares about me, and right now they're going to support me on this.
Let's go.
We're going home.
So go already.
You can't even leave good.
Come on,you're making a mistake.
You're going to regret this.
Fine.
Then stay here at my parent's all by yourself.
Be my guest.
Got to go.
Oh!What a mess! Oh, we're taking off now? I didn't even fasten my seatbelt.
Why do we have to leave Florida? Because I told my father we were going home so we're going home.
If we don't, he wins.
I'm making a point.
Oh, my God.
Uh, Mom? I need another Xanax.
Sorry, honey, there's only one left and you ain't getting it.
Actually there's three left, but you met my husband.
I hope you're happy.
You completely ruined my vacation.
Look at me,I'm eating candy.
I just hope Shirley and Wanda aren't working when we get back to LaGuardia.
Why are we going home,anyway? Because my father's annoying, all right? And he's impossible to be around.
Yeah, I wonder what that's like.
What? I'm not like that.
I'm a delight.
All right?For your information, you have no idea what my father puts me though, all right? He's on my case about everything.
Oh, really? Does he want you to stop drinking Quick Thin shakes? Does he want you to quit the school musical? Does he want you to stop dating a girl just 'cause she's a little chunky? Does he spank you even though you're 15 years old? Does he want you to join the soccer team for your mushy tushy?! Stop me if any of this rings a bell, Dad.
All right, fine, fine.
I'm just like my father.
You know,when you get older, don't come to visit me in Florida.
I wouldn't blame you.
What are you talking about? Why wouldn't I visit you? You're my dad.
I mean, yeah, you're a pain in the ass and you get on my nerves sometimes.
But that's what dad's do, isn't it? It's-it's because you care so much about me, right? I mean, if it's not, you should really let me know so I don't get overly invested in this relationship.
How do you like that? My son's a better son than I am.
Wait a minute.
Then that means I'm a better father than my father.
Ha! In your face, old man.
Wha What? We'll be back at 8:00 tonight, so we can still go out.
Isn't that great news, Spencer? Bad news, Spence.
Hillary's staying in Florida.
What are you doing? We're going back to my parents' house.
What? Honey, what happened? I don't want to leave things this way, you know? Just because he's a jerk doesn't mean I have to be a jerk and ruin my family's vacation.
Oh, sweetie.
Plus I just found out it's going to cost a small fortune to change our tickets at the last minute.
Damn it.
I should have bought that pharmaceutical stock.
Hey, Hillary,let's go.
Grab my bags.
Chop-chop! Uh, Mom, I'm not your slave.
Uh, yes, you are.
You know what?I don't care anymore.
I can't take it! Dad, I have a nipple ring.
No, you don't.
Uh, yep.
Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.
I'll go take it out.
Come on, Larry, let's go.
I can't go back to Nana's and Papa's, I just had two Kit Katsand an Almond Joy.
I'm not going to fitinto my Speedo now.
Guess what?I can live with that.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? You missed your plane, huh? Typical! No.
No, for your information, I've decided to stay so I could apologize to you and be the bigger man.
But we're flying to New York so he can apologizeto you.
That's right.
I'm the bigger man.
Barbara, come on.
We're going to miss our plane.
Vicky, we're going.
We're going backto my parents' house.
-Jerry, this is crazy.
-Dave, this is crazy.
-I'm not going! -I'm not going! Barbara?First class? All the wine you can drink? You're not the only one who can have sex on a plane, you know.
You're going to let 'em leave?! No, no, let 'em go.
What, are you crazy? They're going to New York, we're going to be in Florida for a week without my parents.
This is going to be the best vacation ever.