The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e20 Episode Script

Throw out the lifeline across the dark wave There is a brother whom someone should save Somebody's brother, oh, who then will dare To throw out the lifeline, his perils to share? Throw out the lifeline, throw out the lifeline Someone is drifting away Throw out the lifeline, throw out the lifeline Someone is sinking today Throw out the lifeline, with hand quick and strong Why do you tarry Why linger so long? Someone is sinking, oh, hasten today Wait a minute.
Since when have you been interested in, uh toys? Toys, no.
Dolls, yes.
Someone is sinking today.
Buy a toy for charity, sir? Oh, sure.
Will this buy one a piece? Oh, yes, thank you.
That's more than enough for all the toys.
Have a toy, boys.
No shoving.
You're very generous, sir.
Well, I expect something in return.
Another smile.
Another chorus.
All right, boys, now Throw out the lifeline, throw out the lifeline Someone is drifting away Throw out the lifeline, throw out the lifeline Someone is sinking today.
Throw out the lifeline, to danger-fraught men Sinking in anguish where you've never been We'd like to see Mr.
Ratch.
He's gone to the bakery.
It's Thursday, you know.
Thursday? Every Thursday at this time the bakery gives away week-old bread.
Oh, what a tussle Mr.
Ratch has sometimes.
But he's always first in line.
Here he is now.
Get out of here! You young whippersnappers.
Get away from Get away from me.
Children, children, stop this immediately.
Go home.
Get away from me.
Go home, go home.
We're supposed to collect $5 million from him? That's what the governor said.
I know he's got it, but can you see him parting with it? Children, stop it.
Get out of here! Your behavior's disgraceful.
Stop it.
Please forgive them, sir.
They're not bad boys, really.
They just don't know any better.
A likely story.
Oh, I wish I had a toy to give you for one of your grandchildren, but a gentleman just bought them all.
Take mine, mister.
I have no money for toys.
Get away from me.
But it's mine.
See, I'm giving it to you for nothing.
For nothing? Hush, hush, hush.
Oh, how sweet.
You see, sir? You're giving it to me? Yes.
Very kind, very generous of you.
Would you open the door for me, please? In return, let me give you a word of advice.
Giving things away is the road to ruination.
All right, boys, come on.
Come on, let's go.
What do you think of that? Mm, it's very pretty.
Pretty? It's 100% clear profit.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Mr.
Ratch.
Oh, forgive me, gentlemen.
What sort of a loan would you like? We're not here for a loan.
We're here to collect.
What?! Collect? I'll have the police on you.
$5 million, Mr.
Ratch.
My name is James West and this is my partner, Mr.
Artemus Gordon.
Sir.
You from the governor? That's right.
How do I know that? How do I know you're not just here to rob me? How do I know this is real? How do I know it's not just a trick for you to get my money? Mr.
Ratch, we don't have the time to argue with you.
Now are you going to give us the money or aren't you? This is terrible.
This is blackmail.
Do you realize that I have spent my entire life making $5 million? Well, that's strange.
We heard it was something over 20 million.
Lies, all lies from people who hate me because I'm successful.
Like those rotten kids out there.
Did you hear what they were calling me? We heard.
Well, they won't be calling me names much longer, because from now on it's going to be Mr.
Ratch this, Mr.
Ratch that.
I'll show them.
With the governor's help, I'll have a bank.
A real bank.
With my name above the door, Jeremiah Ratch.
And a bronze plaque with my likeness inside.
I'll be respectable.
I'll be loved.
Mr.
Ratch, did it ever occur to you you could accomplish the same thing by being a little more generous to the people in your own neighborhood? I wouldn't give them a nickel.
Scum, that's what they are.
They'll cheat you out of your eyes teeth if you give them half a chance.
Dirty, dirty rotten loafers.
Like this one, here.
You think he works for the money I give him? He dawdles behind my back.
Get with it! Uh, we understand, Mr.
Ratch.
Now, uh, what about the money, sir? Turn around.
Close your eyes.
There.
How do we know it's all there? 'Cause I counted it.
I'll bet you have.
I'll check the street outside, Jim.
Mind you, I want you to work every minute I'm gone.
Do you hear? Yes, sir.
Are you sure that you can protect me and the money? I'm sure.
Well I'm not so sure.
If anything happens to this money, I will hold you personally responsible.
Personally responsible, do you hear? Beautiful.
Now, Voltaire, put me down and wait for me in the alley.
Somebody give me a hand in here! All right, all right, clear the way! Get those children back.
Children, stay back.
Don't come near here.
Go on, stay back.
Out of the way, out of the way.
Give the man a chance to breath, will you? Step back, he'll be all right.
Is it bad? No, no, no, he'll be fine.
He's just shaken up a bit.
Now, please, stand back.
Are you sure? He'll be fine.
He just needs a little rest and attention.
He's right, lady.
Working in this neighborhood, I see enough of them to know.
Well, why don't you bring him to my place? It's just down the street over the toy shop.
Is that all right, sir? Yeah, that'll be fine.
Thank you very much, Miss.
Come on, men, bring him over this way.
Hey, watch it, will you?! Stop that boy! All right come on out.
I won't hurt you.
No, I hurt you.
Voltaire, I do believe he needs to be thrown a lifeline.
Hit him again? No, no.
Not yet, Voltaire.
You know better than to kill a man when he's not looking.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Loveless.
Besides, this gentleman's lesson is not finished.
He has a partner, remember, and he needs to be taught a lesson.
Just like that Mr.
Ratch and all those dolts in this state.
They even have the temerity to think it belongs to them.
But they'll learn.
Are we going to teach them? Yes, Voltaire.
We're going to teach them.
My satchel, please.
Shall we go? Angel of Oh, now I remember.
Where am I? In my room.
Wouldn't Saint Peter mind? Saint Peter? Never mind.
What happened? Well, I don't know.
But there was a terrible explosion in the shop.
The shop! Jeremiah Ratch, where is he? I wish I could tell you, but after they brought you here, they couldn't find him.
He disappeared.
And the money, I suppose, the money disappeared, too.
Well, now don't get excited, now.
You're very lucky to be alive.
I'm beginning to believe it.
You can let go now I think.
Oh you, you shouldn't have done that.
Why? I don't know.
It's just, uh Well, it makes me feel strange.
Do you feel strange, too? I'm beginning to.
Well, I suppose for you it's perfectly natural, after what you've been through.
But for me Do you mean that you've never been kissed before? Oh, yes, lots of times.
You're an Angel of Charity, you mustn't lie.
Of course not.
My mother always kissed me good night.
Your mother? Mm-hmm.
And my grandfather.
He raised me.
But this was different.
I'm going to tell you something, Miss, uh Miss Ames.
Ames.
Priscilla.
Priscilla.
It's supposed to be different.
Why? Well, uh your mother must have told you.
Well if she did, I don't remember.
Your grandfather? All he did was make toys.
That's all he ever talked about.
Why don't you tell me? Well, I'd like to, but I really don't think there's time.
Is it complicated? Come in.
West! Oh, thank heaven you're still alive.
Miss Ames, Governor Lewis.
How do you do, sir? Lovely, my dear, just lovely.
My dear Miss Ames, for whatever assistance you have given this invaluable but impulsive young reprobate, the State of California will always be in your debt.
That wasn't at all different.
Uh, what did she mean by that? Oh, that's a little difficult to explain, sir.
I see.
Any word on recovering the money? Not a trace.
Excuse me, Priscilla.
Oh, but you need your rest.
I'm sorry, but I have to leave.
Good-bye.
Lovely, my dear, just lovely.
Why don't you wait near the coach? My boy, we have suffered a shocking loss.
Jeremiah Ratch and $5 million.
Is it really that critical, Governor? If we don't raise $10 million at least in the next few days, the whole state of California will be on the point of anarchy.
Our treasury is empty.
We don't have enough money to pay the police, the courts, the militia.
The President's advisors believe someone may have set out deliberately to bankrupt the state.
And that's a threat to the entire nation.
The President's advisors are a gaggle of idiots.
But I must admit, for the first time in my life I agree with them.
Are you going to solve the problem by selling respectability to people of dubious reputations? Dubious? There is nothing dubious about Jeremiah Ratch, John Crane, or Bessie Bowen.
They are Grade A, gilt-edged, number-one rascals, every one of them.
That's my point, Governor.
But they are willing to buy respectability at $5 million each, and that's my point.
By allowing them to invest in legitimate enterprises, isn't that an open invitation for them to steal you blind? Until you find out who the man is behind all this, we need time, and I'll buy it any way I can, at any rate.
Once I get them on my side of the fence, then I'll teach them how the big boys really play.
There's just one question that I have, Governor.
Yes? Are you sure, sir, that this whole thing is legal? Legal? Of course it's legal.
The complete legality of any move is the first thing that a clever rascal always checks.
Are you referring to yourself as a rascal, Governor? Well, let us just say that Jim! Oh, hello, Governor.
What happened? Who's the biggest man you know? Voltaire.
Ten times taller and 20 times stronger than when we put him away in prison forever.
And what's more, he talks.
Governor, you're in a lot more trouble than we thought.
How do you mean? Dr.
Loveless.
That brilliant, twisted little man.
If you want that $10 million from John Crane and Bessie Bowen, we better get to them before he does.
Oh, how adorable! Just look at you! Oh, Voltaire! Oh, it's just like the one that got burned up! When the bad man exploded it! Yes, will, will you come with me? Of course.
Oh, and parting is grief A false-hearted lover is worse than a thief A thief he will rob you And take what you have But a false-hearted lover Will lead you to the grave And the grave will decay you Dr.
Loveless, thank you! You made me some new toy soldiers! It was nothing, my dear, nothing.
But these are even handsomer than the others.
Tell me the truth did you invent all my grandfather's toys? Only the special ones, my dear, for very special people.
Oh, how happy those people must be! Dr.
Loveless, I think you're the smartest, kindest man in the whole world! Thank you, my dear, thank you.
Why can't everybody be as happy as we are? I met the most disturbing young man this evening.
He reminded me a little of one of these toys.
Never place your affections He was very handsome.
Hush, my dear, hush! The leaves they will wither The roots they will die We'll all be forsaken And never know why.
Voltaire, no! Get off! Now, you know better than that.
You're not supposed to touch that thing! It's delicate! Get, get out! No, Miguelito, please don't scold him.
Of course he won't.
I can't imagine Dr.
Loveless ever scolding anyone.
Or ever being unkind.
Only to meddlers, my dear, and deserters.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's a person who deserts his true calling.
They should all be thrown to the crocodiles.
Especially that most disturbing man you met tonight.
Oh, all he did was kiss me.
Might his name have been James West? How did you guess? He's a most evil man, my dear.
For him, the largest hungriest crocodile of them all.
Oh, no! I enjoyed it.
Although I don't know why.
Never mind, Priscilla.
Someday I'll explain all these things to you myself.
But for now, the reason I asked you to come here is to show you my latest invention.
Come.
Oh, how beautiful! What is it? It's an electrified train, my dear, and it's all worked by this switch.
My switch.
Watch.
It's wonderful! Look! Oh, that's wonderful! That's amazing! Now, watch, watch.
Oh, that's wonderful! I don't think that's such a nice toy.
Oh, nonsense, dear.
Everybody knows that the very nicest toys are the ones that go "bang"! Oh, yes, yes.
Of course, you see, this is not all for myself alone.
I've made a whole set of these trains and switches for a man who just loves trains.
Oh, you're the most wonderful, thoughtful man.
Of course.
I'm so thoughtful that I designed this especially for a very special person- Mr.
John Crane.
There goes Number 36, Mr.
Crane.
Bailey I thought I told you to move that freight onto the main track at six after.
That's what I was fixing to do.
You're late.
Well, the little hand ain't got down to the six yet.
Bailey, it's the big hand that tells the minutes! Oh.
Yeah.
I forgot.
Blackie, whoever it is, throw 'em out.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to see Mr.
Crane, please.
He's busy.
It's a matter of life and death.
Beat it.
You're a hard man to get to see.
I'm waiting on a train.
Get out.
My name's James West.
I was sent by the governor.
Why didn't you say so? Throw this main switch in exactly two minutes.
Hey.
It may be dangerous.
It's just a toy.
I only got it a short while ago.
Jeremiah Ratch was killed by a toy not less than two hours ago.
Your life's in danger until the governor gets the $5 million.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
You know, I was just getting used to the thing.
You know, the governor's going to give me a franchise on a real railroad just as soon as I buy those bonds.
Then I don't have to bow and scrape for those bridge contracts and such.
Well, you seem to be doing all right.
Oh, I've made out.
I hear tell that your bridges have a tendency to collapse.
Oh, I just build them.
I'm not responsible for what happens afterwards.
After all, they can't last forever.
I thought I turned that switch off.
It's a double system.
Please, please, no, you don't understand.
What's it going to take to convince you? Anything we've got down here, you can have, She don't understand.
providing you can pay for it.
Nine kinds of gambling.
I know this.
The best wine in town I know this, signorina.
and the best food.
Of course.
But you can't see Bessie! She don't allow nobody upstairs, never.
You don't understand.
I must to see her, but Look, it won't do no good.
She'll raise her little finger, and she'll have six bouncers Silencio! Wait, I show you.
I show you what I mean.
I show you right now.
Maestro, please.
If you please to give me a beat.
Si? "B.
" Si? "B, B.
" Gracie.
It could only be the most beautiful, the most bellissimo flower of all the desert.
La signorina Bessie Bowen! Permit me.
I am Arturo Caruso del'Artimo.
I have just come from the La Scala Opera in Milano to bring culture and opera to your barbaric country.
Well, don't just stand there, honey, come on up.
Show him the way, girls.
I know the way! Oh, ho-ho.
Ah, buon giorno, buon giorno.
Buon giorno.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Signorina, oh You know, when they told me of your love to the opera, I begged, I pleaded for the right to come to see you myself, personally.
Pleaded? Yes.
With who? With the governor, of course.
He didn't want you to see me? Well, he said it would be useless.
That you are truly not interested in music.
Well, he's a liar.
I mean, I am interested.
Aah! Very interested.
Oh I was going to buy $5 million worth of government bonds just to show how interested I was.
Only Only what? Only well, there are certain ladies in this town that don't think I should.
Bah! American snobs.
Snawbs? Yes.
Snobs, snobs.
We will show them.
You and I on opening night.
On that night, before everybody, you will walk into the opera on the arm of the governor.
You will sit in the governor's box.
And I will sing Fidelio for you myself.
I, Caruso del'Artimo, will guarantee it to you personally.
Signorina.
As a matter of fact, this very evening I will escort you to the Governor's Ball, if you will permit me.
Bless your sweet, everlovin' little heart.
Meetin' a man like you sure helps a girl make up her mind.
I'm going to give the governor the money.
Bravo.
Bravo, signorina! Oh! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
And now, should you not get ready to go with me? Oh, it'll only take me a minute.
Of course.
Oh, uh, maybe this will amuse you till I get back.
Eh what, uh, what is that? Well, I don't know, but it came yesterday.
From an unknown admirer.
That I can believe.
It, uh, makes little noises, like there's someone inside.
Beautiful.
Ooh! Beautiful.
Pour him a glass of Madeira, honey.
None of that cheap whiskey.
Hi.
You have such exquisite taste, Signorina Bowen.
You know, until this evening, I had begun to despair of ever meeting such- how you say- feminine charms.
Such, mmm, gentile delicacies in all the state of California.
Grazie, signorina, grazie.
This came, too, with the singing machine.
Eh? You like to see it snow in Donner Pass? Oh! Oh! Oh Get out of here! Huh? Come on, you heard me! Get out! But Bessie, I did not I don't care! Don't touch him, girls.
Hurry up! Get out! It's no good.
Don't you understand? I can't change.
I'm nothing but Bessie Bowen.
That crazy little man will kill me if I change.
But besamia, you must! No.
Tell the governor he can keep his bonds and his spaghetti sauce, but just to leave me alone! Oh, no, not again.
Shh, it's all right.
You know, for a man who's always getting blown up, you have very soft skin.
It's almost Oh, Mr.
West, please.
There are a few things we never did get a chance to discuss.
Well, I know, but I can wait.
But I can't.
Now you're going to have to tell me a few things for a change.
Like how did I get blown up? An how come this angel is always around when bombs are exploding? Mr.
West Oh! release her.
Where is he? It's nothing.
It's just a toy or an invention or something.
Of course that's all.
But how can you ask who I am, Mr.
West? Dr.
Loveless, I've been waiting for you to show up.
Please, he's the nicest man.
Mr.
West.
How very nice of you to drop in.
You win, Dr.
Loveless.
Look out, Voltaire! I don't understand.
Why are you trying to hurt Voltaire? Why are you trying to make trouble for Dr.
Loveless? Did you know he's killed two people tonight? That's lies! Lies! And he was sentenced to prison twice before.
I don't believe it.
Not Dr.
Loveless.
Very discerning girl, my dear.
Now, don't worry your pretty head about any of these sordid details.
Just take this note and deliver it now to the governor.
Go.
You're not a very nice man.
I don't think I want to kiss you anymore.
Now, Mr.
West, I'm going to prove to you just how wrong you are about me.
Up.
Then where is he? Where can we find him? I can't tell ya.
That crazy little man will kill both of us.
Signorina, there may not be much time.
Help us, and the governor will protect you.
I, del'Artimo, will guard you with my life.
Sure.
Sure.
I can be a lady, live on Nob Hill and be killed in style.
And all I try to be is just a little bit good, and where does it get me? Blown up with a lousy Italian tenor.
Baritone.
Oh, stop that sweet talk.
Oh, signorina, you must realize Dr.
Loveless will try to kill even more people.
I know he will.
We must to stop him.
Oh, I'm afraid, Caruso.
Oh We lose our time, eh? Now tell me where he is.
Quickly, huh? And then you go up and you change.
Will you say some more of that sweet talk? Oh, yes, Voltaire, that's perfect.
Oh, that's exactly what I wanted.
Oh, I think this should fit Mr.
West very nicely.
You're about to have a ringside seat, Mr.
West.
For what? A spectacle.
A most unusual spectacle.
A meddling, villainous politician named Lewis is about to become a very, very, dead porcupine.
Why? Because he's upsetting my plans for taking over California, that's why.
You know he actually had Ratch and Crane ready to give him $5 million apiece? So you killed them? No! Why do you keep saying that?! I've got them tied up in another room, that's all.
Trying to teach them that bad boys must stay bad.
As soon as they've learned their lesson, I'll set them free.
Provided, of course, that they promise to vote for me when I run for governor.
Are you serious? I've never been more serious in my life.
In a very few moments, that rascal, Governor Lewis, will come through this door in response to a note from you, which Priscilla is delivering at this very moment.
A note? I forged it.
And devilish difficult handwriting you have, too, Mr.
West.
At any rate, when the governor comes through that door, he will be met with a most charming surprise, Mr.
West.
A cannon.
But the ammunition, in this case, darts.
The firing mechanism, quite primitive, a simple lanyard.
Thus.
You've seen enough, Mr.
West.
I've a thousand and one things to do and no time to do them.
Voltaire.
Nightie night.
Ah, now, that wasn't very nice.
I don't see anybody.
You stay here.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not going to leave me out here all alone.
All right, come on.
You feet first.
Oh, Caruso.
Shh, shh, shh.
Not now.
There's nobody home, maybe, huh? Good, let's go.
We look downstairs.
No, no, no.
I've told you enough already.
Shh.
Nobody here either.
Everybody freeze where you are! Holy smoke! Is that you, Bessie? How's tricks? Look at that thing.
It knows me.
Bessie, there's some bowie knives out there on the counter.
Bring me one.
Hey, what happened to your accent? Never mind, just get the knife.
Fantastic.
All right, gentlemen, I'll get you out.
Huh.
Incredible There's a thing out there.
It whistled at me.
Only one thing I know would do a thing like that, sugar.
It's over there, see? Jim? Is that you, buddy? Hang on.
I'll get you out.
Hey, it's got locks.
Want me to shoot them off? Hey! Bessie Sweetheart, why don't you take that gun and stand watch at the door, huh? I'll handle this.
Thank you.
All right, hang on, buddy.
This won't take a minute.
Hey, there's somebody coming.
Ah, Mr.
Gordon! Behave yourself or this gentleman will blow this lady's brains out and that gentleman will blow your brains out.
Understood? Gentlemen.
While you're disposing of the governor, get rid of this thing, too.
But don't you dare drop them overboard until you're at least five miles past the Golden Gate.
Out, get her out.
Push him back.
Get him back.
Hide him, now.
Turn it.
Why don't you wait near the coach? Artemus, get the governor! Voltaire! Good timing, Voltaire.
The carriage is over here.
Governor, I've notified the militia.
They're sending a troop of cavalry after them.
Good.
Both Voltaire and Loveless will be in custody by breakfast tomorrow morning.
I wouldn't set my clock by it, Governor.
Merciful heavens.
I still can't get used to it.
He seemed like such a nice man.
Governor.
Governor, I want you to know that the money was lost by sheer incompetence.
I will not be held personally responsible.
Never mind, Governor.
We'll make the whole Barbary Coast kick in, if we have to.
Isn't it wonderful? Everyone's on our side now.
And you did it, Mr.
West.
You saved the glorious state of California.
Thank him, Priscilla.
Thank him.
Oh, Mr.
West, I was so wrong about Dr.
Loveless and things.
I was wondering what kind of a doll you really were.
Oh, me, too.
So, would you mind just winding me up again to see?