Animaniacs (1993) s01e207 Episode Script

Valuable Lesson / Our Final Space Cartoon, We Promise / Wakko's 2-note Song / Panama Canal / Hello Nurse / The Ballad of Magellan / The Return of the Great Wakkorotti / The Big Wrap Party Tonight

NARRATOR: And now another useless fact.
Termites can live to be 50 years old.
Why, when I was a young termite we used to have to walk 50 miles in the snow with no shoes for a good piece of wood.
Not like you kids today.
This has been another useless fact.
[.]
ALL: It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks 'em With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Shirley MacLaine-y Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
NARRATOR: And now the Warners presentthe senses.
[.]
The sense of sight Is what guides us right When we go out on walks The sense of smell's The way you tell That you need To change your socks The sense of touch Is what hurts so much When you bang your toe On the bed The sense of hearing Is something good 'Cause if a tree Falls in the wood Would there be sound? You bet there would If it landed On top of your head ALL: Your head If a tree lands On top of your head The sense of taste Affects your waist Which makes five senses In all There's a sixth sense too It's hard to explain It's a psychic connection Inside of your brain So you can understand people Like Shirley MacLaine Who wear crystals They bought in the mall ALL: The mall, who wear crystals They bought in the mall And now the other senses: Scents you can smell Like cologne from Chanel Or the scents Of expensive perfume Scents of flowers We hope overpowers The kitty box Next to your room, P-yew Sense of pride Deep down inside When you practice A sense of fair play There are cents That you pay at a toll Or the census man Who is taking a poll And a sense of confusion We're out of control ALL: And they really should Take us away, away They really should Take us away There's a sense of humor A sense of doom Or a sense of awe Sense of timing The sense of a word A sense of absurd Like trying to do All this rhyming There's incense And horse sense And common sense It's true Sense of wonder Sense of beauty Sense of honor Sense of duty YAKKO: A sense of doubt A sense of danger DOT: A sense of fear When you meet a stranger A sense of style A sense of worth Sense of direction For knowing the earth ALL: A sense of dread As we're singing this song That it's starting To turn out all wrong It's time that we end it Because it's too long [ALL INHALE DEEPLY.]
'Cause it just doesn't Make any sense, nonsense This song doesn't Make any sense YAKKO: And now another useless fact.
Eskimos have more than 100 words for "ice" and no words for "hello.
" Oh, hello.
This has been another useless fact.
[.]
NARRATOR: And now: Dot's Poetry Corner.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Humpty Dumpty.
" Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer And settled out of court For a lot of money And ownership of the wall Thank you.
NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.
[.]
Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world.
They're Pinky And the Brain They're Pinky And the Brain One is a genius The other's insane To prove their mousy worth They'll overthrow the Earth They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain PINKY: How are we going to take over the world tonight, Brain, eh? Get people stuck in super-sticky chewing gum? Narf! No, Pinky.
Ooh! How about we wrestle the president? Zort! No, Pinky.
But, gee, Brain.
We are gonna take over the world, aren't we? Not tonight, Pinky.
The world can wait.
Egad, Brain.
Are you feeling all right? Pinky, I'm feeling more than all right.
I'm in love.
Narf.
You? What? [LAUGHING.]
I met her today in the maze.
Her name is Billie.
She is of simple folk, fair and true.
You mean she's stupid? A bit.
Heh-heh.
She called me Egghead.
Egghead? Ha, ha, ha! Narf! Ah, ha, ha! [LAUGHING.]
Do not mock a love-smitten mouse.
Oh, right.
Sorry, Brain.
And so I shall woo her, Pinky.
And win her heart.
Do you know how I plan to do that? Umm With a big wooden mallet? Normally, Pinky, I would be compelled to hurt you, but today I'm feeling forgiving.
I will profess my love and give her my heart.
Ew, Brain, that sounds painful.
Narf.
Let us go to meet this fair damsel.
BRAIN: Billie.
Oh, Billie.
Who's that? I, my lady, am the Brain.
We met today in the maze.
Oh, yeah, I remember you.
Egghead.
[LAUGHING.]
You're-- You're right, Brain.
Narf! "Egghead.
" [LAUGHING.]
I hope you don't think me too forward, but I've brought you something.
A precious, simple gift.
Oh, flowers? Oh, no.
It's an actual working mockup of the bevatron particle accelerator.
Oh.
It kind of looks like a-- Big metal doughnut.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, like a big metal doughnut.
Yeah.
Say, who's your friend, Egghead? He's funny.
This is my associate, Pinky.
Oh, what a pleasure to meet you.
Narf.
I am so pleased, all pleased, all-over pleased, yes, I am.
[GIGGLES.]
I like him.
Pinky? But he's He's barely verbal.
Oh, well, pardon me, Mr.
Egghead.
I happen to like him.
Good night.
Wait, Billie, please, I-- Oof! Whoa! [CRASH.]
Whoa! [CLATTERING.]
PINKY: La, la, la La-la, la, la [PINKY SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Quiet, Pinky.
What's the matter, Brain? I think She likes you Narf! [GIGGLES.]
No, Pinky.
The fact is she likes you.
But, Brain, I've already got a girlfriend.
Pinky, you are a mouse.
This is a horse.
Oh, don't start that again, Brain.
But Billie, she responds to you.
You know how to talk to her.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Ah.
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Uh-- I think so, Brain, but this time you wear the tutu.
Follow me.
I have a plan.
[.]
Pinky, you stay here in the shadows.
Right-o, Brain.
I'm helping the Brain I'm helping the-- Shh! Billie.
Oh, Billie.
Who's there? Pinky? Is that you, Pinky? No.
It is I, the Brain.
[DISAPPOINTEDLY.]
Oh.
Egghead.
[WHISPERING.]
Now, what would you say, Pinky? Oh, um-- Uh, uh-- I know: Please, call me Eggy.
Narf.
"Please, call me Eggy.
Narf.
" Oh, okay, Eggy.
Yeah, that's cute.
Now tell her, um Poit, I like your toenails.
"Poit, I like your toenails.
" Oh, thank you.
PINKY [WHISPERING.]
: And, egad, your head looks like a really clean carrot.
[GROANING.]
Ooh.
"And, egad, your head looks like a really clean carrot.
" That's funny, Eggy.
You sure know how to talk to a girl.
A clean carrot, yeah.
I guess I had you pegged all wrong.
Why don't you come on up here? I like you.
Oh.
Pinky, she likes me.
Oh, my heart.
I'm going up.
MAN 1: Come on, we're gonna be late for bowling.
MAN 2: Be right with ya.
I just have to run one final experiment.
I need the results in the morning.
Oh, no.
Just as love comes my way.
Pinky, we must save her.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING.]
Oh, no, we're too late.
Narf.
MAN 2: That oughta do it.
We can check back tomorrow.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Billie, Billie, are you all right? Eggy? Is that you, Eggy? Yes.
Oh, Eggy.
I thought the electro-polarity had altered the reticular formation in my medulla oblongata.
Pinky, she's become incredibly intelligent.
Egad, Brain.
She's probably even smarter than you.
What's the solution to Carpoleum's black hole equation? The square root of 16,922.
I've been pondering that problem for five months.
She is smarter than I.
How annoying.
I must go.
PINKY: But, Brain! You mean you don't love her just 'cause she's smarter than you? Oh, I do love her, Pinky.
I do.
But I must quickly go develop a plan so we can take over the world.
But why, Brain? If I don't, she may beat us to it.
They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain YAKKO: And now another useless fact.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
What's wrong? Headache? No, heartburn.
[STING PLAYS.]
This has been another useless fact.
Like Abbott and Costello Like Sonny and Cher Like Martin and Lewis They're a perfect pair Like Laurel and Hardy Like Fontanne and Lunt They're perfectly mismatched They're Rita and Runt Dr.
Baboo, so kind of you to come.
Thank you for asking me, Dr.
Himp.
I only hope that I may be of help to you in your primatial researchings.
As you can see, these are our gorillas in the mist.
Perfectly harmless.
Completely at peace.
Mm-hm.
Very misty.
And here are our gorillas at the Ritz.
[IRVING BERLIN'S "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ" PLAYING.]
[GORILLAS GRUNTING TO MUSIC.]
Mm-hm.
Very dancy.
This one's the problem.
Kiki, the angriest ape in the world.
[ROARING.]
[SNARLING AND SNORTING.]
[ROARING.]
Aah! In all my years studying gorillas in the Kahuzi-Biega, I have never seen such aggressionality.
That is why she's kept separate from the other social groupings.
Has she not responded to mist? No, no, not at all.
And she refuses to learn choreography.
We need your help, Dr.
Baboo, to find a way to pacify her.
[.]
Meow DR.
BABOO: Something outside has pacificated her.
Quick, let us see what it might be.
Meow-ow Stomach's empty And I need to find food This trash can Belongs to me Some stray cats can be So awfully rude Trash is public property Don't mess with me I am in a bad mood BOTH: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow-ow-ow-ow Bye-bye, kitten Hope someday ya find food Huh.
Hey! [GIGGLING DEVIOUSLY.]
[SNORING SOFTLY.]
RITA: Runt! Oh, that's not a duck.
Yeah, it is a duck.
Oh, that's a good duck.
That's a very bad, bad duck.
Oh, that's a good duck.
Oh-ho.
Oh, big duck.
[SNORING.]
Something tells me I'm gonna hate this episode.
Ooh.
[SCREAMS.]
[BABBLING.]
Put me down, ape face.
The kitten has placated her.
Now, either Kiki's maternal instincts will overcome her aggressionality or she will tear the kitten's head off.
Let's watch.
[.]
[GIBBERING SOFTLY.]
[GROANS.]
Cut that out! Hair by Lyle Lovett.
Blech! No, thanks.
Call me weird, but monkey saliva takes all the fun out of eating.
Uh-uh-uh.
[GROWLING.]
[GULPS.]
[YELLS.]
[SPITTING LOUDLY.]
[CHAINSAW HUMS, BELL RINGS, BUZZER SOUNDS, CAR HORN HONKS.]
[YELLS.]
I think I'll pass on dessert.
Yeow-ow! [SIGHING SHAKILY.]
[GIBBERING.]
Ooh.
Oh, brother.
Yeah, yeah, like this, right? [GIBBERING.]
Oof! Mwah! Ape slobber, yum.
Ooh, ooh.
Oh, I get it.
Monkey see, monkey do.
No.
Ooh, ooh.
Look, I speak Cat, not Gorilla, okay? [GROANING.]
Ooh, ooh! She couldn't possibly bop me again.
Ooh, ooh.
I'm "ooh-ooh"-ing.
[GIBBERING EXCITEDLY.]
Astounding.
Kiki's happy.
And the kitten is exhibiting gorilla-like behavioralisms as well.
[.]
Ooh, ooh.
[GIBBERING.]
Send in the organ grinder.
[GRUNTING.]
[GIGGLING.]
You dated King Kong? No.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, right, and I'm Fay Wray.
Give me a break.
[CRIES OUT.]
Now what? Oh, no.
No way.
[GIBBERING CONFUSEDLY.]
[KIKI ROARING, SNARLING.]
[YELPING.]
[ROARS.]
[ROARS, SNARLS.]
[ROARS.]
[GROWLS.]
Mad ape! [BOTH SCREAM.]
I told ya, this is my trash.
Beat it or I'll claw your nose.
Aaagh! [.]
Enjoy.
Aah! Aah! [SNORING.]
[YAWNS.]
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY.]
RUNT: Gah! Get away from me, you evil duck.
Na-ah-ah-ah-ah! [SNORTS.]
Huh? Huh? Oh? Huh? I had a bad dream, Rita.
Definitely, definitely had a very bad dream.
Me too, Runt.
Me too.
YAKKO: And now another useless fact.
Starfish have no brain.
Uh, excuse me? Yup.
Could you tell me where the beach is? Mmm.
Nope.
This has been another useless fact.
[.]
It's over.
It's definitely over.

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