According To Jim s01e21 Episode Script

KYLE! KYLE! KYLE! KYLE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T CHEW ON THAT.
DON'T CHEW ON THAT, KYLE.
GIVE IT TO DADDY.
GIVE IT TO DADDY.
KYLE, KYLE, KYLE.
COME HERE, BABY.
I LOVE YOU.
GIVE ME THE CARD.
GIVE IT.
GIVE IT TO ME.
LET GO.
LET -- UNNGH! [ SIGHS .]
KYLE.
THIS IS MY ERNIE BANKS ROOKIE CARD.
ERNIE BANKS, NUMBER 14, MR.
CUB.
STOP.
DON'T CRY.
DON'T CRY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
HERE.
HERE.
HERE.
HERE.
HERE.
RUBE WALKER.
SEE? LIFETIME -- 227.
EAT HIM! HAH! OH, BABY.
[ GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS .]
[ MAN SCREAMS .]
WHOA, YOU DON'T GET UP FROM THAT ONE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS LEG? HE'S LIKE A STARFISH.
IT'LL GROW BACK.
ALL RIGHT, JIM.
DA-- WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?! OH, MY GOD! JIM! THIS IS "SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.
" THE GIRLS CAN'T WATCH THIS.
ARE YOU KIDDING? THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR EYES OFF IT.
MOMMY, FINGERS GROW ON BOATS! [ CHERYL SCOFFS .]
OKAY YOU'RE HANDLING THE NIGHTMARES ON THIS ONE.
HEY, DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR "HELLRAISER.
" IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT.
"HELLRAISER"! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO THE PODIATRIST TO GET DANA'S CREEPY, WEIRD TOENAIL REMOVED.
OH, GOOD MOVE, DANA.
I THINK THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STILL SINGLE.
HMM.
NO, WAIT.
IT'S YOUR PERSONALITY.
I WAS WRONG.
ONE LAST CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE.
OH, COME ON.
COME ON.
ITS NAME IS JIM.
GET -- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE STUFF FOR THE PARK.
I PACKED TOYS, DIAPERS, AND WIPES.
YEAH, AND THERE'S STUFF IN THERE FOR THE KIDS, TOO.
[ MOCKING LAUGH .]
THAT'S GREAT, FREAK TOE.
HAVE FUN AT THE PARK.
WE WILL.
WE LOVE THE PARK.
WE HAVE FUN AT THE PARK.
WHERE'S THE PARK? OUTSIDE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.
OH, BOY.
THIS IS THE KIND OF DAY THAT MAKES A FELLOW WANT TO KICK OFF HIS SHOES AND RUN BAREFOOT THROUGH THE GRASS.
WHY DON'T YOU DO IT OVER THERE WHERE THAT GUY JUST LET HIS DOG PEE? HEY, GIRLS.
PUSH US ON THE SWING.
OH, WE COULD DO THAT.
OR YOU COULD RUN AROUND, AND I'LL SIT HERE AND THROW GRAPES AT YOU.
SWING! SWING! ALL RIGHT, DARLINGS.
YAY! YAY! JIM, THE ICE-CREAM GUY'S HERE.
WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE? YOU KNOW, I GOT A TASTE FOR CALAMARI.
IT'S AN ICE-CREAM TRUCK.
THEY DON'T HAVE CALAMARI.
I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GET IT.
ALL RIGHT, MY LITTLE GIRLS.
I'LL PUSH.
WANT ME TO SING? SING "SILLY SALLY.
" "SING 'SILLY SALLY.
'" ALL RIGHT.
* SILLY SALLY, WHAT'D YA DO TODAY? * * SILLY SALLY, WHAT'D YA DO TODAY? * * DID YOU COMB YOUR HAIR WITH A * * PINEAPPLE! * * COMB YOUR HAIR WITH A PINEAPPLE, OH, BOY * OH, BOY.
* SILLY SALLY -- * HI, HANNAH.
HI, EMILY.
CAN WE GO PLAY WITH THEM? UHYEAH, OKAY, JUST DON'T GO TOO FAR AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU.
YAY! YAY! OH, GIRLS, YOU CAN GO FARTHER THAN THAT.
WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! PERFECT! HEY, JIM.
I'M SANDY, HANNAH'S MOTHER.
AND THIS IS LESLIE, EMILY'S MOM.
YOU MET HER AT CHUCK E.
CHEESE AT THE TRIPLETS PARTY.
REMEMBER? SUKEY, KERRY, AND CHLOE.
THIS IS CAROL.
SHE'S CAITLIN'S MOM.
SHE'S ALSO GOT LINDA AND KELLY WITH HER TODAY-- YOU KNOW, DEBBIE'S KIDS WHO YOU MET AT THE OTHER HANNAH'S MOM'S HOUSE.
I'M NOT GONNA BE TESTED ON THIS, AM I? [ LAUGHING .]
OH, IF YOU WERE MINE, I'D NEVER LET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE.
OH, I'D FIND A WAY.
[ Thinking .]
HMM.
I BET THESE FOOT DOCTORS MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
WHAT A RACKET.
OH, MY GOD, I'M STARTING TO SOUND LIKE JIM.
I WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT GUY'S FOOT? A PLANTAR'S WART, I BET.
UGH! OH, NO.
I WONDER IF THESE PEOPLE THINK I HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FEET.
I'LL JUST KICK MY SHOES OFF SO THEY'LL SEE THAT I'M NORMAL.
OH, NO! THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SOCK.
ABORT! ABORT! THAT WAS QUICK.
WHAT HAPPENED? HE DIDN'T EVEN DO THE PROCEDURE.
RIGHT AFTER HE ANESTHETIZED MY TOE, HE GOT CALLED AWAY ON AN EMERGENCY.
CHECK THIS OUT.
[ GASPS .]
SEE? WHOLE LEG -- NUMB.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CALLING JIM.
TELL HIM WE'RE ON OUR WAY HOME.
ARE YOU KIDDING? WE HAVE THE WHOLE AFTERNOON.
DANA, IT'S LAUNDRY DAY.
JIM'S DOWN TO HIS CHRISTMAS BOXERS.
OH, COME ON.
YOU NEED A BREAK.
WE COULD GO SEE A MOVIE.
[ GASPS .]
A MOVIE ON LAUNDRY DAY? I'D FEEL SO NAUGHTY.
HEY, CAN WE GET POPCORN? OH, YEAH.
A-HAH! AND NO SHARING! OH, YEAH! AND SNEAK IN WITHOUT PAYING! CHERYL, WE'RE GONNA PAY.
OKAY.
BUT WE'RE STILL BAD, RIGHT? OH, YEAH.
AAH! AND THAT'S WHY I'M NO LONGER WELCOME IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HEY WHERE ARE MY GIRLS? OH, THEY'RE OVER BY THE SLIDE WITH PENELOPE AND NANCY AND BRIDGET AND SUZANNE.
HEY, GIRLS! COME ON, LET'S GO! TIME TO GO! OH, NOT SO SOON.
AW! AW! AW! AW, LADIES.
COME ON, THE FUN IS OVER.
I PROMISED CHERYL I'D DO SOME WORK AROUND THE HOUSE.
BUT YOU WORK HARD ALL WEEK.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WORK A LITTLE HARDER AT HOME THAN YOU DO ON YOUR JOB.
YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT? MICHAEL LANDON.
Women: AWWW! HEY, GIRLS.
DO WE HAVE TO GO, DADDY? YES, WE HAVE TO GO.
COME ON, GIRLS, GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER.
ANDY, YOU WANT TO PICK UP AND PUT TOGETHER THAT BUGGY? WE WANNA STAY.
PLEASE! YOU WANT SOME CHEESE WITH THAT WHINE? COME ON, GIRLS.
WE GOT TO GO HOME.
WHY DON'T YOU LET US TAKE THEM FOR THE AFTERNOON? WE CAN GO TO LUNCH AND THEN THE GIRLS CAN PLAY TOGETHER.
I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR DAY TOGETHER.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BUT WHAT THE HECK! OH, OKAY.
YAY! YAY! I'LL HAVE THEM HOME BY DINNER.
OR JULY.
WHATEVER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, WHERE DID CHERYL FIND YOU? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
THE PERFECT STORE? OOH, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
MARTIN LAWRENCE IN "MEDIEVAL TIMES" -- HOW CAN YOU LOSE? I HOPE HE'S SASSY IN THIS ONE.
OH! HEY! WHAT? THAT GUY JUST STEPPED ON YOUR FOOT.
REALLY? YEAH.
THAT'S GONNA HURT LATER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M JUST GONNA CHECK IN WITH JIM REAL QUICK.
CHERYL! BAD GIRLS DON'T CHECK IN WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.
AH.
YEAH! [ BABY CRYING .]
OH, MAN! WHO BRINGS A BABY TO A MOVIE? RELAX.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
AAH! OR YOU BETTER DO IT.
EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR BABY QUIET? WHY DON'T YOU BE QUI-- HI, CHERYL.
HA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHERE ARE THE GIRLS? THEY'RE AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE -- SARAH'S.
Dana: CHERYL! MY HAIR IS STUCK TO THE FLOOR! ALL RIGHT.
12 AAH! OH, HEY, JIM.
HEY, DANA, YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING RIGHT HERE.
NO.
UP, UP, UP, UP.
YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOT IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE DOCTOR.
IT GOT RESCHEDULED, SO WE CAME HERE.
OH, YOU THOUGHT YOU GOT AWAY WITH IT, HUH? GOT AWAY WITH WHAT, JIM? I THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE FREE TIME EVERY FEW MONTHS.
CHERYL, YOU HAVE 6 HOURS OF FREE TIME EVERY DAY.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO USE IT SLEEPING -- NOT MY FAULT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE GIRLS DON'T HAVE A FRIEND SARAH.
THERE'S A MOM SARAH WHO HAS A DAUGHTER JULIA.
JULIA, YEAH.
JULIA.
OH, JIM.
I DON'T LIKE THE GIRLS PLAYING WITH JULIA.
SHE'S A SPITTER.
AND SHE TALKS BACK TO HER MOM, THEN THE GIRLS DO IT TO ME.
IT TAKES ME A WEEK TO BREAK THEM OF IT.
HEY, CHERYL.
HEY! I JUST RAN INTO DANA IN THE LOBBY.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT MARTIN LAWRENCE THAT BRINGS FAMILIES TOGETHER? "DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?" WHAT? I'M ANSWERING THE TRIVIA QUESTION.
JIM, LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU GOTTA GO GET THE GIRLS.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO RELAX KNOWING THEY'RE AT JULIA'S.
[ SIGHS .]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU OWE ME ONE.
NO, I DON'T.
WELL, SOMEBODY OWES ME ONE.
ACTUALLY, YOU OWE ME $5 FOR THE POPCORN.
BENICIO DEL TORO! I'M ON FIRE! ALL RIGHT, CHERYL.
I'LL DO IT.
JUST TELL ME WHERE SHE LIVES.
OH, IT'S A LITTLE GRAY HOUSE ON THE CORNER OF PINE AND OAKHURST.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
"DEVIL IN MRS.
JONES"! COME ON, ANDY.
LET'S GO PICK UP THE GIRLS.
WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE? THE PREVIEWS ARE STARTING.
IN A FUTURE WHERE WOMEN ARE FORBIDDEN TO WEAR CLOTHES AND BEER IS MONEY, ONE LONG CAR CHASE WILL CHANGE THE LIVES OF THREE SUPERMODELS AND ONE TOUGH COP.
STEVEN SEAGAL IS BACK! I AM SO THERE! JIM! OKAY, HONEY.
* SILLY SALLY * * WHAT AM I SINGING THIS SONG FOR? * GOOD POPCORN.
AH, IT'S A LITTLE DRY.
I'M THIRSTY.
ME TOO.
CAN I HAVE SOME? YEAH, SURE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
COME ON! I'M SORRY.
YOU WANNA DO IT? COME ON.
I'M SO SORRY.
YOU'RE A JERK.
OH, I'M A JERK, AM I? HEY, COME ON! WHAT IS THAT? IN FRONT OF MY BABY LIKE THAT? A JERK? HI.
HI.
YOU'RE SARAH.
I KNOW THAT.
I'M JIM.
AND THIS IS WATER.
WE WERE A LITTLE THIRSTY.
RUBY AND GRACIE ARE MY KIDS.
I'M ANDY, THE UNCLE.
WE'RE HERE TO PICK THEM UP.
THEY'RE NOT HERE.
WHERE ARE THEY? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I'M GONNA CLOSE THE DOOR NOW.
[ LAUGHS .]
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR KIDS ARE.
[ LAUGHS .]
JIM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST CALL UP CHERYL AND TELL HER YOU LOST THE GIRLS.
AFTER 26 HOURS OF LABOR AND TWO EPISIOTOMIES, I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, HUH? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? CHERYL'S GOTTA HAVE AN ADDRESS BOOK, RIGHT? LOOK IN THAT.
NO, SHE ALWAYS CARRIES IT WITH HER.
RUBY'S GOT AN ADDRESS BOOK.
SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING IN IT.
ALL WE NEED IS ONE LITTLE GIRL'S NAME, AND WE COULD FIND HER.
LOOK AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
EVERYTHING'S A MESS.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
"MOMMY, DADDY, BARNEY ELMO" OH, HERE WE GO.
EMILY.
GREAT! GREAT! GREAT! GREAT! GIVE ME THE NUMBER.
GREAT.
THEN SHE DREW A KITTY.
MY DAUGHTER'S AN IDIOT.
JIM, THINK.
THINK.
CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT WOMAN SAID? ALL I REMEMBER IS, YAMMER, YAMMER, YAMMER, "I'LL TAKE THE KIDS.
" MAYBE WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE PARK.
LET'S GO TO THE PARK.
MAYBE SOMEONE'S STILL THERE.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS .]
OH, OH, I HOPE IT'SWHAT'S-HER-NAME.
YELLO? HEY.
HOW IS EVERYTHING? OKAY.
CHERYL.
EVERYTHING'S FINE, CHERYL.
Is that Cheryl? HEY, I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF THE GIRLS HAD A GOOD TIME.
ARE YOU CHECKING UP ON ME? WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE.
THE GIRLS ARE FINE.
UH, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE PLAYING WITH UNCLE ANDY.
[ GIGGLES .]
PLEASE STOP COPYING ME.
[ IMITATES GIRLS .]
PLEASE STOP COPYING ME.
I MEAN IT.
I MEAN IT.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M TELLING YOU! I'M GONNA GET YOU! HA HA HA HA! SO FUN.
[ LAUGHS .]
WHAT? WHAT? HE JUST SAID, "THE KING'S DAUGHTER'S A FREAK.
" BLACK KNIGHT IS SO BUSTED! I GOTTA GO.
I'M GONNA TICKLE YOU.
I'M GONNA TICKLE YOU.
[ Laughing .]
YOU'RE TICKLING ME! [ LAUGHING .]
YOU'RE SO MUCH COOLER THAN AUNT DANA.
YOU'RE COOLER THAN HARRY POTTER.
WE LOVE YOU! ARE YOU DONE? YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE DONE? HEY, JIM.
I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
WHAT? WHAT IF WHILE WE'RE HERE THAT WOMAN'S DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE HOUSE? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I LEFT A NOTE -- "NO ONE HOME.
LEAVE KIDS IN THE BACKYARD.
" NOW, THERE.
SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.
SHE'S SHORT.
HI.
WELL, AREN'T YOU A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL? CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA TALK.
OH.
I BET SHE WOULD FOR SOMECANDY? AAAAH! WE SHOULD RUN.
WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S 5:32.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE? ANDY, THAT IS NOT FUNNY! YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN HASN'T BROUGHT THOSE KIDS HOME.
SHE'S SO IRRESPONSIBLE! [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
OH, I HOPE THAT'S THE KIDS.
NOPE! NOPE! THAT'S CHERYL.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST REMEMBER THE PLAN.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A PLAN.
RIGHT.
ACT CASUAL.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? JUST, YOU KNOW, CASUALLY READING.
WELL, HE'S READING.
HE'S READING TO ME.
I THINK THAT'S GOOD FOR TODAY.
YEAH, WE CAN PICK UP TOMORROW, HUH? SO, CHERYL, HOW WAS YOUR DAY OFF? OH, HONEY, IT WAS GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS JUST THE BEST GIFT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY, THE FEELING IN MY FOOT'S COMING BACK.
OW! Cheryl: GIRLS, I'M HOME! NO! CHERYL! THE GIRLS ARE BEING PUNISHED.
YOU WERE SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT JULIA.
SHE IS A BAD ONE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE GIRLS CALLED ME WHEN THEY CAME HOME? FATTYPOOPY PANTS.
OH, HONEY.
THEN THEY BROKE THE LAMP.
YOU SEE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
I'M GONNA GO TALK TO THEM RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, YOU GO ON UP THERE, BUT YOU'RE JUST GONNA UNDERMINE ALL MY GOOD WORK.
AND I AM NOT GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY WHEN THEY GROW UP AND BECOME STRIPPERS.
HEY, I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GIRLS CONTINUE YOUR RELAXING DAY AT A NICE DINNER? I'M BUYING.
WOW.
WHAT? YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY DINNER? YEAH.
I LOVE YOU.
OHH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHERE ARE MY KIDS? CHERYL, I RESENT THAT.
THEY'RE NOT JUST YOUR KIDS.
THEY'RE MY KIDS, TOO.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? HAVE YOU LOST MY KIDS? NO, OF COURSE NOT.
THEY ARE BEING CARED FOR BY A RESPONSIBLE ADULT, A FRIEND OF YOURS.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HER NAME OR WHERE SHE LIVES.
BUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO DETERMINE IS SHE'S NOT ASIAN.
RIGHT.
WELL -- AUGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
IF THEY WERE A BOX OF SNACK CAKES, HE'D KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY WERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M GONNA CALL AND CALL UNTIL I FIND THEM.
MOMMY! MOMMY! CHERYL, GOOD WORK.
OH, HELLO.
I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
OH, SANDY THANK YOU.
I HOPE THE GIRLS HAD FUN PLAYING WITH HANNAH.
SANDY AND HANNAH! DOESN'T RING A BELL.
NOPE.
COME HERE, MY GIRLS.
[ SMOOCHES .]
THANKS, DADDY.
WE HAD THE BESTEST TIME EVER.
WE HAVE FUN, DON'T WE? GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU RUN UP AND WASH UP FOR DINNER? OH, COME ON, I'LL TAKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, SO, JIM, THEY'RE GONNA BE WITH ME, YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW DANA.
UPSTAIRS.
OH, GRACIE'S JACKET'S IN THE CAR.
I'LL GET IT.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANKS SO MUCH, SANDY.
WHAT? WHAT? WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
COME ON.
DON'T BE UPSET WITH ME.
I HAD A VERY ROUGH DAY.
YOU KNOW THAT "SILLY SALLY" SONG? OKAY! SO -- SO, THE ONE DAY I TAKE OFF IN 6 MONTHS, AND YOU LOSE THE GIRLS? IF YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT, OF COURSE IT'S GONNA SOUND BAD.
JIM! WHAT? HONEY, YOU KNOW ME.
I DO.
YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO TAKE TIME OFF.
I SUPPOSE THAT NOW I CAN JUST NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS WITH YOU AGAIN.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? WELL, CHERYL, THAT'D BE YOUR CALL.
NO.
NO, JIM.
YOU ARE NOT GETTING OFF THAT EASY.
NO, NO, NO.
I AM GOING TO GO TO A MOVIE AGAIN.
AND YOU ARE GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS AGAIN.
AND IF YOU HAVE TO LOSE THEM TO GET IT RIGHT, SO BE IT.
I CAN DO THAT.
HERE YOU GO.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HEY, DO YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE? OH, I'D LOVE ONE.
OH, GREAT.
OH! DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PARK TODAY? TWO STRANGE MEN WERE OFFERING CANDY TO A LITTLE GIRL.
NO! YES, YES.
BUT DON'T WORRY BECAUSE THE PARENTS GOT A PRETTY GOOD DESCRIPTION OF THE VEHICLE.
I SHOULD PROBABLY SELL MY CAR.
YEP.