ALF s01e21 Episode Script

[ Raquel .]
don't walk away when i'm talking.
[ Trevor .]
so stop talking! [ Trevor .]
i don't want to talk about it, raquel.
[ Raquel .]
well, we're going to talk about it! [ Trevor .]
you want to talk about it, talk about it! [ Trevor .]
i'll be in the can! [ Raquel .]
don't go in that bathroom when i'm fighting with you! [ Door slams .]
[ Raquel .]
okay, then i'm going in the bedroom! [ Door slams .]
I'll give her half a point.
Hey, pull up a chair, willie.
You're missing a good one.
What are you doing? Watching the ochmoneks fight.
Trevor's ahead on points.
You're not to watch people through their windows.
Find something else to do.
Willie, there's a power blackout.
There's no tv; No video games.
I can't play blink the lights.
We're all suffering, alf.
Why don't you Go out in the backyard and play? In this heat? You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.
Well, i could.
Say, why are you wearing my t-Shirt? This is what people wear when they swelter.
I saw it in "streetcar.
" I don't like you taking my clothes.
And i don't like you using my opera glasses To spy on the neighbors.
Boy, you get irritable when it's hot.
Remind me to never take you to mercury.
Deal! [ Sax playing in background .]
Hey, would you knock off the sax! ** Lynnie, i've got alf's plate.
Will you carry everything else? Nice, solid portion, alf.
[ Kate .]
it's his new diet.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can eat as much as you want Of whatever you want.
And you lose weight that way? You do? [ Willie .]
oh, not another blackout.
[ Lynn .]
we'll have to reset the clocks.
[ Kate .]
let's not.
Let's just live a few minutes Behind everyone else.
[ Burrrppp .]
So, what's for dessert? You're finished, already? What do you do? Inhale it? He, he ate mine, too.
[ Doorbell .]
Get that, will you, brian? No way! I'll get it.
Pass me the corn.
Alf, go in the kitchen.
I just got comfortable.
Tell whoever it is to go into the kitchen.
Just go.
Carry me.
Alf.
All right, all right.
Don't anyone eat my corn.
Go! - Hi, mr.
Ochmonek.
- Hi, trevor.
What is it with women, anyway? Beats me.
You're a woman.
Maybe you'd know.
Well, uh, let's see-- You can't please them.
I bring raquel flowers.
I talk to her once in a while.
You think that makes her happy? Apparently not.
You're a good kid.
Take my advice.
Don't get involved with women.
Take up swimming.
I get ear infections.
Where was i? You were putting down all women everywhere.
Right, thanks.
Nothing i do is good enough for raquel.
So i'm not gary "mr.
Perfect" collins.
Hey, she's no mary ann mobley.
Anybody eating this corn? I guess you are.
[ Doorbell .]
If that's raquel, i'm not here.
Hi, mrs.
Ochmonek.
There you are.
Leave me alone, i'm eating.
I want you to come home with me now, please.
Why, so you can yell at me some more? I don't think we should be airing our dirty laundry In front of the neighbors.
Hey, they know we fight.
They watch us through the windows.
No, no, we don't.
No one in this room Watches you through your windows.
Really? I always feel someone's watching from this place.
Oh, it's probably our Poltergeist.
Trevor, are you coming home or not? Not.
Trevor, maybe it would be better If you did go home and Talked this thing out.
Yeah, you're right.
She's going to yell at me, anyway.
I might as well be somewhere i can take my pants off.
I'm sorry about this.
'Night, alf.
'Night.
What are you doing? Speed-Reading this book.
Really? What's it about? I have no idea, But the fur on my finger's gone.
[ Raquel .]
you're like a kid with money.
You need an allowance.
[ Trevor .]
i'm the one that earns the money.
[ Raquel .]
no, you're not.
The ochmoneks are at it again.
Lynn, it's not polite to listen in on Other people's conversations.
Right.
What was i thinking? Enjoy your book.
Thanks.
'Night.
'Night.
[ Raquel .]
my mother warned me.
[ Raquel .]
"don't marry a man who doesn't have a job, and who gambles.
" [ Trevor .]
put a cork in it.
[ Raquel .]
don't tell me what to do! [ Trevor .]
i'm warning you, raquel.
[ Trevor .]
i've had it up to here with your nagging.
[ Trevor .]
now shut up! [ Trevor .]
you're waking the whole neighborhood! [ Raquel .]
no.
I want everyone to know the kind of man i married.
[ Trevor .]
well, i don't.
I'm shutting the window.
How can i read with all this quiet? Ahhhhhhh! [ Alf .]
call the police.
Call the police.
Horrible! Horrible! Worse than "friday the 13th, part ii"! Worse than "friday the 13th, part iii"! Alf, what's going on? Don't ask.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about murder.
I'm talking about mayhem.
I'm talking about foul play.
Alf, get to the point Or go back to sleep.
All right.
I just saw mr.
Ochmonek kill mrs.
Ochmonek.
Oh, come on.
I'm serious! I heard them fight.
Then i saw mr.
Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Maybe you misinterpreted things.
Oh, right.
Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
Alf, you're always doing-- Do you remember when you thought mr.
Litwak Was building an atomic bomb in his basement? It was an atomic bomb.
It was a pool heater.
Ha! They don't even own a pool.
Yes, they do.
They do? Can we go over? Look, it's hot tonight.
You're tired.
You're having a hard time Distinguishing fantasy from reality.
So you're saying i'm crazy? I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
Fine, don't believe me.
They didn't believe the "boy who cried wolf.
" The "boy who cried wolf" lied.
He did? I've got to stop speed-Reading books.
[ Snoring .]
Ahhhhhhhh! Oh, it was only a dream.
I've got to stop eating styrofoam Before i go to bed.
Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Alf, Alf, are you all right? What happened? Alf! Hey, watch the shoulders.
I've got bursitis.
Alf, what were you screaming about? It was horrible! Trevor was after me.
I don't see mr.
Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago.
Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, alf was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people Who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful.
The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while? Yes, please.
Forever.
Come on, brian.
Alf, try to get some sleep.
I can't.
I'm too wound up.
I've been through a trauma.
Come on, lynnie.
Let's go to bed.
Good night, alf.
'Night, alf.
[ Willie .]
good night, alf.
Okay, don't fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.
[ Clunk .]
Ignore that.
Ignore that.
[ Clunk .]
Oh, heck, Why must i be so darn curious? Alas, poor mrs.
Ochmonek, i knew her well.
Oh, hello.
Is this mr.
Ochmonek i'm speaking to? Jolly good.
I'm doing a survey for the bbc And i wonder if you'd like to answer some questions? Super.
Ah, first off, what would you say is the difference between American and british television? Uh-Huh, Mm-Hmm.
Fine.
Thank you, mr.
Ochmonek.
Question no.
2, did you kill your wife? Alf! Gotta go.
The queen just dropped by.
What were you doing? Just some impressions.
You were harassing trevor.
Kate, i saw the man bury his wife In the backyard last night.
Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.
No, this was real! Look, i took these pictures.
These are all black.
You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.
Alf, please give your imagination a rest.
Justice never rests.
What if i gave justice a cookie? Justice will think about it.
Oh, no.
Alf.
Alf! Oh, no! Trevor, don't go into the den.
[ Phone ringing .]
[ Willie .]
trevor, pick up the phone! [ Ringing stops .]
Ochmonek residence.
Alf, why are you answering? It was ringing! You've got to get out of there! Who is this? It's me! Willie! Oh, hi, willie.
Hey, i can see you through the window.
Alf, trevor is in the next room.
Get out! Right.
Bye.
Oh, trevor.
Pick up the phone, please.
[ Rrrringggg .]
[ Rrrringggg .]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Tanner? [ Willie .]
yeah.
Hi.
Hey, did you call just a minute ago? Nooooooooooo! I mean, no.
Oh, that must have been the bbc.
[ Willie .]
the bbc? Noooooooo! Yeah.
You want to know why their shows are better than ours? Because they respect their audiences.
I'll give you an example.
Last week, on the "benny hill show," [ Trevor .]
benny meets this guy wearing high heels-- Alf, didn't i tell you not to bother trevor? Yeah.
How does this sound? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-- That's all i've got so far.
This is the last straw! Oh, you say that all the time.
This time is-- Look, willie, you're upset, I understand that, But before you pop a blood vessel, Let me show you something.
Exhibit a.
Chattering teeth? These don't chatter.
They belong to mrs.
Ochmonek.
This was her laugh.
We know you didn't break in there for nothing.
Now we know you're a thief.
This proves she was murdered.
People don't pull their teeth and gums out While they're alive.
Alf, uh, Those are false teeth.
No kidding? Well, let me try them.
Give me the teeth! I'm returning these And if you ever, ever-- Do you understand? See the look he gave me? Alf, why do you do these things? I'm a concerned citizen.
First they came for the communists, But i didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the jesuits-- We get the point.
Maybe we shouldn't have let dad go over there.
Yeah.
Trevor might decide to become A serial killer.
They get a lot more publicity.
Mom, what if alf is right? Alf, you're making everybody crazy! Honey, trevor can't be a murderer.
We have known that man for years.
Oh, no! What? What? Oh, he's got his ice pick.
He's walking towards willie! I knew it! Call the police! Honey, go into brian's room.
You stay with him.
I'm going over there.
Okay, i'll call the police.
Where's the phone? Oh, here it is.
Ow! That's the coffee pot! Willie, are you all right? Willie! What's the matter? Hi.
What's that all about? Well, well The lights went out and Willie's afraid of the dark.
You're afraid of the dark? It's not really something i like to talk about.
Trevor, um, could i ask you What are you doing With that ice pick? Chopping ice.
I see.
I didn't know how to bring this up, But are these yours? No, They look like raquel's.
Where did you find them? Outside.
Oh, i wonder how they got there? Well, they probably fell out of Her mouth.
Thanks for being honest enough to bring them back.
No problem.
Well, you know, we really should be going now.
Willie, lynn is probably worried about us.
I've got to get back to cleaning the bathroom.
There's blood all over the place.
Willie, let's go.
Excuse me, is one of you-- That's him.
He killed her.
What? What's she talking about? She's just joking.
I don't think we should be making these accusations.
Look, some guy named willie tanner called.
Said you buried your wife in the backyard.
Why does alf always use my name? Hey, tanner, why did you say that? You know why.
You were seen digging a hole last night.
Ah, that wasn't raquel i buried.
That was a side of beef.
You expect us to believe that? Yeah.
I paid a guy It was heisted off the back of a-- I won it in a raffle; A meat raffle.
All right.
All right.
Then, why is there blood in the bathroom? From the side of beef.
I cut it up so i could fit it in the fridge.
Any more questions? I don't think so.
Can i ask you where your wife is? She's at her sister's.
The meat went bad and stunk up the house.
She wouldn't come back until i dumped it.
Trevor, trevor, i'm so sorry.
How could you think i'd do something like that? Sometimes our imaginations get the best of us.
Trevor, we're really sorry.
Ah, forget it.
Raquel and i used to think you two were moonies, So we're no better.
[ Willie .]
not again.
[ Officer .]
nobody panic.
[ Trevor .]
tanner, don't freak out.
[ Trevor .]
officer, while you're in the neighborhood, [ Trevor .]
there's a guy named litwak down the block.
[ Trevor .]
i think he's building an a-Bomb in his basement.
Alf.
Oh, hi, lynn.
What are you doing? This isn't what it looks like.
You mean, you're not watching the ochmoneks? All right, it is what it looks like.
You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
I know, but i have a good reason.
I'm waiting for them to go to sleep So i can dig up the meat in their yard.
I'm going to bed.
Do we have any beaujolais? Good night, alf.
Sweet dreams.
Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
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