Ally Mcbeal s01e21 Episode Script

Can you see it take me over? No.
I'm hearing the bells.
When I walk, I feel the bells.
My trial march.
New York.
- Did Tracy give you this? - You try it.
What do you feel? You don't want to know.
This is my roommate, somebody I love.
Her career is on the line here.
I know, that's why mentally we have to be ready.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Focus.
- Focus.
- No distractions.
- None.
- Deep focus.
- I'm there.
Let's go.
Thanks.
Focus.
Focus.
I've been down this road Being There Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah - Are we ready? - Let's go.
What's the plan? What will we do? I'll open with a moment, be frugal with testimony.
Close with my "please" summation.
What's that? A slight, dismissive regurgitation of the facts, followed by a "please.
" - This will keep me out of jail? - You won't get jail.
I'll lose my job, then I'll kill him, then go to jail.
Please.
I know you get results with your methods, but are you up to this? I am.
- How did the test go? - What test? You know everything.
Now's not the time to be out of the loop! Do you know why Georgia's in the bathroom? - Do you only snoop for what you need? - Hey.
Georgia's pregnancy test? Ally wants me in the loop to snoop the scoop.
- Are we expecting? - I haven't taken it yet.
I was only wondering.
It's not like I was I'm late for court.
- She invited you? - She didn't just invite me she oozed sex.
She asked lasciviously.
When we go out she eats shellfish, saying it affects her libido.
- After dinner? - After, we went dancing.
While dancing she oozes sex again.
I apologize.
I have a throat irritation.
Could be a polyp.
With the court's permission, I'd like to click my objections.
Are you serious? I can whistle, but the click's less intrusive.
Okay.
He's famous for his distraction tactics.
That's what he's doing.
Sustained.
Jury will disregard Mr.
Kepler's remark.
Continue.
Back to the dancing.
She grabbed my buttocks.
- During the dance? - She grabbed them and squeezed them.
- She asked if I'm easily stimulated.
- Then? She invites me back to her place for coffee.
She's dropping sexual entendres like bread crumbs.
We kiss, a hand goes here, a hand goes there.
Suddenly she slaps me.
Then what? Well, I slapped her back.
Which I'm not proud of doing.
But it hurt.
In a reflex, I just slapped back.
- Then? - She goes into kickbox overdrive.
Then I fell down.
That's all I remember.
When I woke up a paramedic was standing over me.
- I have nothing further.
- She asked you to stop? - No, to take it slower.
- And you wouldn't? - I was going more slow than she was.
But at some point she said, "No," and "get out.
" - What's that noise? - Sorry, Your Honor.
Arch problems.
Orthopedic shoes.
Your Honor? Let's get on with it.
You didn't leave when she asked.
My hands weren't going anywhere hers weren't.
She sent mixed messages.
- Mixed? As in "no, don't, get out"? - Objection.
Withdrawn, Your Honor.
I'm troubled.
You call yourself lawyers? - That was ridiculous - He knows what he's doing.
He's the only one.
His shoes squeak.
And this damn clicker! We told you that we're undermining the severity of the whole thing.
Trust us.
We're trying to set a tone here.
Glenn.
- Hi, Ally.
- How's it going? - Not bad.
Got arrested, huh? - How did you know? I got subpoenaed.
The D.
A.
Called me to testify against you.
Lucky thing I'm in the country.
- What? You haven't done it yet? - Ally saw the box.
- So? - So it made me not have to go.
She'll come back and not ask because she'll be too embarrassed.
She'll just shoot her little looks.
I don't like the little looks.
It's easier to not take it.
If I'm pregnant, I'll find out.
I can't hide it.
You get fat! - Take it.
- You take it! They're not 100 percent accurate.
Why bother? You're irrational.
Think of something growing inside you! See how irrational you are! Sometimes you remind me of Ally.
Baby? Excellent! - This is not a good sign.
- What's wrong? Ally's concubine was called as a witness.
- My what?! - What relevance is that? He's probably gonna Great.
My stomach gurgles when anxious.
I'm not ashamed of it.
- Surprised you don't use it in court.
- Sometimes I do.
I throw it.
You throw it? Like a ventriloquist.
I can throw my gurgle.
We went over this strategy.
It was to undermine the seriousness, not to turn this thing into a joke.
Understand that If the jury thinks we're laughing, they'll punish me for it.
I agree.
With any other lawyer, I'd say you're right.
With John, it's not winning a moment, it's winning the day.
What's that mean? That he does everything for a reason, so calm down.
Understand, any conviction, my career as a D.
A.
Is over.
Of course we understand that.
And Glenn.
What do they want with him? I thought I was going on a date, but I was set up.
By the defendant? I'd slept with her roommate.
That woman.
Co-counsel? - Yes.
This woman here? - You slept with her? - Twice.
You had sexual relations with her twice? All right! Twice! One, two, buckle my shoe.
Two.
Twice as in two.
All right? What did that relationship have to do with the defendant? Let's stipulate.
He promised me he'd leave the country.
I slept with him.
He dumped me because I can't snowboard.
And Renee gave him the Penguin.
The "Penguin"? By pretense of a sexual advance, she pulled my pants down on the street.
Co-counsel and a member of their firm came in a getaway car.
The defendant jumped in.
They left me on the street with my pants down.
When the defendant asked you out, did she say anything? - Sustained.
- How did she ask you out? She said she liked one-night stands even more than Ms.
McBeal.
It's been three minutes.
We can look.
- Look.
- You.
- Me? - I'm terrible at tests.
- I didn't study for this one.
- The box says the woman should look.
Let's both look.
That's a - A pink.
- Line.
- Line.
Yeah.
Pink.
- Line.
We're pregnant.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
- Boy, oh, boy.
- Or a girl.
- No cross? - He's not relevant.
He made a statement! He made it look like it was.
You Penguined him, that's all.
- What happens now? - First, Ally, you're off the case.
- What? - We have enough problems.
What did I do? The jury may have concern for your credibility.
- You have had sex with witnesses.
- Only one.
Well, even so.
You don't have the right to make unilateral decisions.
The client should be the one to Hey! Unacceptable! We may have to bring Georgia in for your direct.
- Why can't you do it? - It will upset my closing.
Closing arguments succeed on a lawyer's relationship with the jury.
If you don't question, no relationship.
You'll be "the nut with the clicker.
" Renee, I am a specialist.
- Well, well, well.
- I got a summons.
You did your civic duty and announced we slept together? I told the truth.
Since when do you care about the truth, Mr.
I'm Leaving the Country? You were glad.
You wanted to go to bed with me.
You didn't know I wanted a lie.
Like your interest had nothing to do with the art class? - Right.
- I know why you went out with me.
- I don't date guys for giant schlongs.
- You just sleep with them.
I've smoked bigger cigarettes.
- Why not say that in court? - You go up in court and hurt people.
Who pulled down my pants in the road and gave me a Penguin? - Renee Penguined you! - But you were part of it.
Hello.
It could be false, like you said.
Those stupid tests aren't foolproof.
Let's get the blood test and not waste our time thinking about this.
We do have choices here.
Absolutely.
What's up? They're reviewing their choices.
Whatever you want to do, I'll support you.
Whatever I want to do? What I want to do about it? We.
We.
What do we want to do? I can't stop working.
This is the time in my career.
Billy, I'm pro-choice, obviously but when it comes to a baby in my stomach your baby in my stomach I can't even bring myself to say the "A" word much less consider it.
I just can't wait to tell Ally.
Mr.
Cage.
The defense is ready to proceed? We are, Your Honor.
Defense calls Renee Radick to the stand.
Raise your hand.
Do you swear to tell nothing but the truth, so help you God? You may be seated.
Ms.
Radick, would you please? I've decided not to call Ms.
Radick.
I apologize.
You're not? Not necessary.
The state failed to put on much of a case.
- Objection! - Sustained.
Mr.
Cage I apologize, Your Honor.
The witness is withdrawn.
You may step down, Ms.
Radick.
Please call your next witness then.
The defense rests.
- We rest putting on nothing! - I can explain.
This is weird, even for you.
How can a defense lawyer not call witnesses, not put on any defense? Renee, you're upsetting him.
Look at his smile.
I want an explanation.
You'd be a lousy, hostile witness.
Then why put me up there? Juries suspect defendants who don't take the stand.
They saw you were prepared to testify, but I stopped you.
I needed to announce they have a terrible case.
- Why? - Because they have a wonderful case.
If we put on a defense, we'd reveal we don't have one.
- Even if you did - Enough.
I must plan my closing.
I just need you to sign this.
- Right here.
- Here you go.
- Bye, guys.
- Good night.
- Hey! - Hey.
It's none of my business but since I saw the box It's none of my business.
I'm pregnant.
Really? That's wonderful.
Are we happy? Well, we're still in a little shock.
- But, yeah.
- We're happy.
Congratulations! - Thank you.
- You too.
Thanks.
It's fabulous.
It changes your lives.
That it's going to do.
So congratulations again.
This is great.
We're closing tomorrow in Renee's trial so I gotta You two should go celebrate.
No drinking, though.
Okay.
Hey.
You okay? I didn't hurt that door.
I kick it all the time.
- I feel I should apologize.
- For what? I don't know.
- If things were the other way around - Why do you keep saying that? I don't want things to be the other way around! I'm happy with my happiness ahead of me.
I live life as one big Christmas Eve.
It makes me happy.
I just find you rude.
- Rude? - Yes.
Rude.
You marry somebody else while we work in the same firm? Fine.
You bring her in here.
Fine.
But to get her pregnant? Rude.
I'm concerned for your child.
It's tough to be in this world with any manners.
What chance for your child with two rude parents? I'm sorry.
Why do you say sorry? I don't even care.
I've fallen in the toilet.
Poughkeepsie.
Let's go.
I should console myself, I know I got an appeal.
Inadequate counsel John's right.
You'd make a lousy witness.
You told the police you only meant to crack his head? - Plus - Puts on no defense.
I'm all for originality but that man is too different for his own good.
I feel a little freaky that we're not more excited.
It's a baby! We always wanted a baby.
In time.
We're still absorbing it, Georgia.
The catcher's mitt's a little premature.
It's just a prop to get me more excited.
- Richard? - I only heard from the beginning.
Permit me to be avuncular since I'm likely not the father.
Having a child is a selfish thing.
Couples don't want to give life.
They say "We want a child.
" "We want.
" It's selfish.
A good selfish, but it's selfish.
Don't punish yourselves.
You're entitled to melancholy.
Your body will swell, distort.
Treadmills aside, it won't be the same.
The infant will see way more breast.
When you finally visit, droop.
Sleep deprivation.
Your face, add 10 years the first year.
Education! The kid can't learn at public schools.
Private school? You've already missed the application deadline.
Don't beat yourselves up for not being excited.
You're having a child! Thank you for the pick-me-up.
Sure.
Bran.
Be gone.
Hey.
It's one thing to bring a child into the world, but our world? Never mind the damn theme song.
I'm tired of theme songs.
What? No, no Pips! Tracy I have to go to trial.
Bye.
Bye.
- Ready? - Yes.
She's a quack.
Do you know what she told me? To pick a silly theme song about my pain that she's pregnant with what's-his-name's baby.
It works.
Excuse me? A silly song helps trivialize the pain.
Something peppy that identifies with the hurt Maybe I'll put on squeaky shoes.
Everything's not solved by turning things into big jokes.
That's not how I solve my problems.
I'll say it again: My best friend's on trial.
If she loses her career due to your clicking and calling witnesses you don't question I won't just not forgive you, I will hate you.
I'm sorry.
See, I've had quite a week.
And I'm sorry.
"She's a girl.
" That's the defense here.
"Come on, she's a girl.
" Here's what happened: A trained kickboxer broke somebody's neck.
There's no evidence he physically threatened her.
None.
She started the sexual assault.
She started the violent assault.
She broke his neck.
If it were the other way around, he'd go to jail now.
No question about it.
None.
Same fact pattern in reverse he's gone.
But, hey she's a girl.
In her very own home, a man, a bigger man, sexually assaults her.
And when he, this bigger man, struck her one could opine it was her place to defend herself.
Please.
Did she encourage him to make a sexual advance? Perhaps.
Did she get him worked up? I bet she did.
Does she then forfeit her right to say "Stop"? Please.
This so-called attack lasted four seconds, tops.
A reflex.
A man violently hits her.
She hits back.
And she's on trial? Please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm an odd man.
I use clickers to spare my throat.
I stand corrected in orthopedic shoes.
And I stand here steeped in absurdity.
But absurdity itself must have its limits.
Her own home, while under assault, she defends herself and she's arrested? Say the word with me.
Please.
- Jury's out? - We got a pretty good instruction - And John was good? - Please! - Tell Renee we're all thinking of her.
- I will.
Thanks.
Do you know any good OB/G YNs? Georgia's looking.
Theme song.
Silly theme song.
Trivialize the pain.
Well.
Take that.
Everything okay? - Georgia being pregnant? - Is there a chance it's not hers? I am happy for you.
It's just that when you left, back then I prayed I'd be married first.
Or that I'd have children first.
Or that I would at least die first.
- I'm nervous I'll go one for three.
- I see.
I am really happy for you.
I know.
Are you happy for you? Yeah.
Scared.
But yeah.
The judge has called us back.
- Verdict? - No, the jury has questions.
So, you need to find if the defendant intended to cause these injuries? Yes, Your Honor.
Intent goes to whether she intended to commit the battery.
It's if she hit him on purpose, not if she hurt him on purpose.
I'm troubled.
He's troubled? I'm dead.
- It doesn't mean - It means they ruled out self-defense.
- You don't know.
- We do.
I'm dead.
It's been fun.
The clickers, the squeaky shoes.
I'll lose my job! Let's not go there.
Your firm is the big ship of fools.
- You're the one that got arrested.
- Then allowed you to defend me.
- We had no case! - We tried - What about self-defense? - It wasn't self-defense! You hit him out of anger.
You almost killed him.
This wasn't self-defense.
You have a problem.
- I won't listen to you - I'm your friend.
You'll listen! This sex as power thing the jokes about your esteem being in your breasts are true.
You intimidate men with your sexuality.
And you end up with the guys who respond.
They're the guys we both know you don't want.
"Sexy Renee.
Isn't she fun?" It isn't fun.
If I were somebody else, I might enjoy it.
But as your friend, you have a problem.
John didn't put you on the stand because you don't get it.
And you need to get it, Renee! What are you doing? Another case.
My closing.
I'm working on a draft.
In bare feet I get a better feel.
I'm sorry.
I was so I was wrong to vent on you the way I did.
It's okay.
I can pretend to understand.
Pretend? I don't have a friendship on that level.
So it would be presumptuous of me to say I know.
- You have friends.
- Yes.
If I were on trial, I hope somebody'd be so invested that they'd behave as erratically as you.
But win or lose this trial, Renee's a fortunate person.
John, if you were on trial I'd be there for you.
Yes.
Thank you.
Why are you here? I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd catch up on some stuff.
Excellent.
I'm waiting for a pimple to shrink.
I've got my pager on if the jury comes out.
Not going to work? I couldn't concentrate.
I might as well wait here for the verdict.
Win or lose, sleepover tonight.
You need it.
I am sorry for some of the Getting angry.
Everything you said is true.
I do use sex as a Why? When I was 11 years old, I started to develop.
I was the first in my class to get breasts.
Kids.
Boys.
They would grab at me.
Say things.
One day I snuck into the boys' room because I heard things were written about me.
Awful, awful things.
So I ran home and started crying.
And I kept on crying.
My mother told me they liked me.
That's why they tease me.
I clung to that one.
I started using it and it was easy.
Look at me now.
I've gone through law school.
Harvard, even.
And I can't bear it if a guy doesn't grab me a bit.
But then if he does grab me, I'm on that playground again.
This thing that happened with Rivers.
I've been waiting my whole life for it.
I just thank God At least I'm ashamed of it.
- This is ridiculous.
- With a cord, yes.
But I'm working on a power pack.
- What's this? - One of my inventions.
The "Cool Cup.
" Billy and Georgia inspired me.
And what would the point be, other than fashion? Heat kills sperm cells.
With refrigeration, men stay more virile.
Please, turn it down.
Who cares? Ally, jury's back.
Just got the call.
Really? Is that good? If we win, it's excellent.
Ow, ow, ow! Blood test was negative.
- What? - I'm not pregnant.
That home test was wrong.
- You're not pregnant? - Nope.
- Wow.
- Well Negative? It's for the best.
- I want kids, but - The timing.
The timing.
It's a relief, though I was excited.
- Won't lose my income.
- There's time to get them in private school now.
If we have one.
Yeah.
- Relief.
- Yeah.
Get back to work.
- You're okay, right? - Yeah.
Timing.
- It's - Best.
- Have you reached a verdict? - Yes.
Will the defendant please rise? What say you? On the matter of Commonwealth versus Radick we find the defendant not guilty.
This jury's dismissed.
Thanks for your service.
Thank you.
Thank you both.
You dodged one, Renee.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- You will again.
- Thank you.
- I didn't do anything except sleep with witnesses.
Thank you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Isometrics.
Dismount.
- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
Could you excuse us for a second? Sure.
I hadn't gone yet, but sure.
It is so stupid.
I didn't want to be pregnant.
I'm not.
But just thinking - Even for one day, I feel - Loss.
The pregnancy turned out not to be real but the loss? That was real.
I feel so ashamed of worrying about my income.
We can start trying any time you and/or we want.
As scary as it was looking at you as the mother of my child that was everything.
Should we? We should probably tell everybody the test turned out negative.
I'm sure it's taken care of.
I told Elaine.
You stinker!