Better With You s01e21 Episode Script

You will come into a great fortune.
Now I don't feel guilty about buying those earrings.
Well, now you have to eat it.
The cookie? No, the fortune.
Y-you have to eat the fortune if you want it to come true.
Two years ago, I got one that says, "you will meet the woman of your dreams.
" I ate it, bam.
What's up, Mia? I've never heard of that.
Yeah.
"Eat it after you read it.
" Where do you think that saying comes from? Wait.
No, you're right, it is just eat the cookie.
(Gasps) Aw.
"Love is just around the corner.
" Oh, that's a good one-- Wait.
What? That is not right.
Love's not around the corner.
Love is right here.
I am love.
Here.
Open another one.
Ooh.
"You will meet a dashing stranger.
" W-- (Sighs) All right, well, you know, clearly, these are all wrong.
(Cookie crunches) Here.
"Do not cage a songbird.
" All right.
All right, fine.
Just go.
Just Go if you want to.
It's blank? Oh, my God.
I saw this in a movie once.
It means I'm gonna die in two weeks.
Oh, no, Joel.
Fortune's on the other side, honey.
Oh.
"You will live to a very old age.
" Ugh, that doesn't sound great, either.
(Man) I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through I am such a mess even at my best I'm better with you Uou know what? Heh.
I could just give you a ring when Maddie gets home, if that's No, no, no.
We're-- We're fine waiting.
But I would love a chardonnay if you get a chance.
Oh, God.
Of course.
Hey, guys.
(Joel) Hi! (Vicky) Oh, hi.
Oh, good.
More people who don't live here.
So where is it? I thought you were getting that fancy stroller.
Oh, yeah, we were all set to buy the McKenzie, but it was just too expensive.
What's the McKenzie? Oh, it is a beautiful high-end stroller.
The best one money can buy.
It has not one, not two, but three cup holders.
One is technically an ashtray, but that's just 'cause it's made in Europe.
I think you should buy an American stroller.
In my experience, European things-- They just-- They smell funny.
Ooh.
How much are they? $1,000.
Uh, I did not ask for the sucker price.
No, the retail number is just a jumping-off point in these places.
You don't pay that price.
Listen.
I'll get you that stroller by the end of the week for half-price or less.
I will talk them down, no problem.
No, dad, really, it's okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's--It's--It's no problem.
I love it.
Oh, I'll get in there, and I'll haggle.
I'll bargain.
I'll lowball.
Mrs.
Putney, doesn't it drive you crazy when he does this? No, no.
Actually, I like to watch him work.
It gets me going, if you-- If you know what I mean.
It just, it-- It-- It revs up my engine, if you get my drift.
It sends tingles-- Yeah, I got it.
Got it.
Hell, I'll go beyond lowball.
I'll joel-ball them.
Tingles, man, tingles.
(Door opens) Hey, everyone.
Hey.
Hey, mad.
Hey! How's the new job going? Great.
Everything's great.
You sure? 'Cause you're still pouring wine.
Yeah, well, it's a big glass.
They wouldn't make it this big if they didn't want me to fill it.
That's my girl.
(Sighs) You okay? Of course.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm employed.
I'm fine.
(Laughs) In fact, my new job is way better than the old one.
That firm was so pretentious.
I mean, we all wore suits and waited for clients to come to us.
We barely ever gathered around the police scanner, waiting to hear about accidents.
You know what this wine needs? Vodka! Where's Mia? I need to talk to her.
Uh, she's with your parents.
Oh, okay.
I'll come back.
Do you want to talk to me? Uh I-I don't know if you can help.
Th-this is about my job, which is an office job, and no offense, but your office is a mascot suit.
Well, before that, my offices were an ice cream truck and a salmon boat, so I know more than you think.
Okay.
Oh.
(Sighs) I don't know what to do.
Freeman and Gant was the only job I could find, and I just quit.
You quit? Why? Oh, I couldn't take it anymore.
That place was so insane.
They sue everyone.
Mr.
Gant, this really isn't working out for me.
I think I should probably quit.
I feel like we're just filing one frivolous lawsuit after another.
You quit, and I'll sue you.
Sue me? Well, I never signed my contract, so you can't sue me.
Well, then, I'll sue you for not signing your contract.
Oh, yeah? Then I'll sue you for suing me! I'll probably sue her, too.
Don't get in on my lawsuit.
I'll sue you for suing her for suing me! I'll sue all of you! You know what would be a bummer? If you worked there, and your name was Sue.
Oh, I used to be so proud of being a lawyer.
Now it just kind of disgusts me.
Oh, I wish I could go back to how I used to feel about it, you know? I remember when I was in high school.
I was kind of lost, and I wasn't really sure who I was supposed to be, and then I had a meeting with the guidance counselor-- Oh, Mr.
Milton Straf.
(Chuckles) It was a beautiful moment.
He looked at me, looked at my transcript You should be a lawyer.
Well, maybe you should go see Mr.
Straf again.
He's the one who got you excited about being a lawyer in the first place.
I bet he can help you rediscover your passion.
That's not a bad idea.
You're no Mia, but you're closing in on Ben.
Oh.
(Door closes) How'd the bargaining go? Just give me a little bit, not too much with her here.
It didn't go great, and I was throwing some of my best stuff at him.
Hey.
I was, uh, wondering how much I had to pay to get one of these strollers.
(European accent) Ah, the McKenzie.
They're $1,000.
Oh.
I'll give you $400.
(Chuckles) The strollers are $1,000, sir.
Look, we both know what's going on here, frenchie.
I want that stroller.
You want to sell me that stroller.
So why don't we just skip all the "will they or won't they?" Drama, and, uh, you know, make a deal we can both live with? Sir, this isn't Willy the clown's basement bargain store, where you can get socks We're talking about the McKenzie-- The only stroller ever to be featured in a rap video.
If want a McKenzie, you pay $1,000.
If you don't want to pay $1,000, you don't get the McKenzie.
But I didn't give up.
I went back.
Yeah, you did.
Mom.
But nothing worked.
I tried offering cash.
I tried online price matching.
No, no, no.
Dad, look, it's fine.
Okay, yes, I really want the stroller, but you shouldn't have to go through all this.
We'll just save up or something.
No.
I'm going to get it.
That scotsman will not beat me.
No.
Dad, stop, okay? You did this with my graduation gown.
I ended up graduating in that thing you wear when you get a haircut.
There's a way to get that stroller for less.
I will find it! Oh, my God! Joel, you're killing me! Here.
Mia.
Take $5.
(Panting) Go to the store and buy yourself some candy.
You want me to buy-- Oh, my God.
Is that why you always did that when I was a kid? (Knocks on door) Hello.
Mr.
Straf? I don't know if you remember me.
Maddie Putney? Of course! How could I forget? (Both laugh) You got a concussion from a tuba! Yeah.
It was the first time in state history we had to take an injury time-out for someone in the band.
(Chuckles) Oh.
I also got straight A's, but whatever.
(Chuckles) Uh, I came by because I'm kind of in a career crisis, and I remember how much you helped me out in high school.
So I was just wondering if maybe you could take a second and remind me why you thought I would make such a great lawyer.
Um sure.
Oh.
You know, I think it was a combination of things-- Strengths, weaknesses, traits, qualities, characteristics.
I feel like you're not saying anything.
Okay, look, here's the deal, all right? Parents would bust my chops if I were honest and said their kid should be a bus driver or exterminator or a stripper.
So I just tell every kid that they should be a lawyer or a doctor.
It keeps the parents happy and keeps me in a job I hate.
But I-I based my whole life on what you told me.
I mean, if I'm not a lawyer, what am I? Doctor? So it turns out my old guidance counselor didn't see me as a lawyer.
He-- He didn't see me as anything.
He just told every kid to be either a lawyer or a doctor.
Well, I-I'm sympathetic, but for future reference, texting me, "9-1-1 come home ASAP" kind of triggers the panic response.
I had to leave my inexperienced protégé in charge of the front desk, and I guarantee you, right now he is playing Halo on the big tv in the lobby.
It is an emergency, Ben.
My whole identity was based on being a lawyer.
Now I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
What? You're still a lawyer.
You're just an unemployed lawyer.
You can find another job.
No, it's bigger than that.
I became a lawyer because Mr.
Straf told me to.
If he hadn't said lawyer, who knows what I'd be doing? Well sounds like you'd be a doctor.
Look, you know, m-maybe this is good.
You know, it's a chance for you to find that thing you've always wanted to be since you were a kid.
You know, I mean, look at me.
I've always wanted to be a hotel manager.
I've known that since I was little.
You know, I used to play hotel with my Teddy bears.
How do you play hotel? (Chuckles) Well, I'd pretend they-- They flew in from Florida, and even though they show up at 11:00, I make them wait until 3:00 to check in.
How is that fun? Well, it wasn't fun, but Rules are rules.
So, uh, what did you dream of being when you were a kid? Well, I always dreamed of being an adult.
Oh, come on, Maddie.
That is so sad.
Is it, Teddy bear concierge? I just want you to be as excited about what you do as I am about what I do.
For example, this morning (Laughs) This is hilarious.
Okay This family comes into the lobby-- Oh, come on, man! Not today! (Telephone ringing) Okay, but you're missing out.
The ending involves two very similar-looking suitcases.
Hello? Of course, Neil.
Okay.
Sure, 3:00 P.
M.
, I'll be there.
My old firm wants to see me.
Hey.
Maybe they want to give you your job back.
Oh, my God.
That would be amazing.
(Telephone clatters) Good.
All right.
Crisis averted.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the hotel.
My protégé just texted me, "what is the hotel's policy on upgrading hotties?" (Door closes) And this is crazy.
Turns out they had mixed up their similar-looking suitcases! (Laughs) Well, sorry that you didn't get it, but that is a very funny story.
That was no good, dude.
Okay, I have figured out the perfect way to not pay full price for that stroller.
No, dad, let it go.
Okay? I found another stroller.
It's cheaper, it's more practical It doesn't have a cup holder, but-- What? What am I gonna do with my drink? Um, hold it in your hand? Oh, yeah, that could work.
Or I could get one of those drink caps.
The Hmm.
Okay, well, don't get in the way of your father on this.
He met with his little group this morning, and they got him all fired up, which got me all fired up, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.
(Laughs) Got my under-- I got it! It's just a group of frugal folks who meet every few weeks to trade money-saving tips and tricks.
No big deal.
And they have the sexiest name in the world.
Ah.
(Chuckles) Tell 'em what it's called.
It's called (All) Thrifty bitches! For a while, it was "thrifty bitches and Joel," but then they discovered I was the thriftiest bitch of them all.
Now I have got a real problem, and I need your help.
I've promised to buy my daughter a McKenzie stroller.
(Groans) Ooh, Joel.
There's only one store in the city that carries those, and they never offer discounts or rebates or deals.
Well, I know that now, patrice.
Maybe you need a coupon offering 20% off the obvious.
Mm-hmm.
But if you're going to get that stroller, you're going to have to do something big.
Now with your help, I'm going to attempt to pull off "the shrewd man and the idiot," one of the greatest bargaining ploys there is.
And let me guess who you want to play the idiot.
No, Ben, for once, it is not you.
Oh, then I'm in! Dad, I don't know.
No, Mia, you're going to play a pregnant ex-supermodel who's really rich.
Could I have dated seal? Sure.
Okay, then I'm in.
All right, now I can't be there because the store manager already knows me.
I'll just watch through the window.
You two are there to distract.
Vicky, you're Mia's sister.
Sister? I'm in, too.
(Clears throat) Now, Casey, I'm also going to need your help.
Have you ever done any acting? In college, I played mark twain in a 12-man show.
That's just called a play.
Yeah, this stroller is fantastic.
It is exactly what I'm looking to buy.
Right, sis? Well, you're the older sister.
You should know.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Let me get the paperwork started.
Credit card or-- (Southern accent) Pardon me, I seem to have broken this here baby car.
I am such an idiot.
What are you doing? (Normal voice) Mark twain.
It's all I know.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's, uh-- It's, uh, broken, for sure.
Look, uh-- Look, buddy.
I'll help you out and buy it at half price, if you want, but only because I like helping people, plus I'm shrewd.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to pull "the shrewd man and the idiot" on me? Do you think I just started in the high-end luxury stroller business yesterday? Oh, no, no, no.
You don't-- No, no, no.
We're not pulling a scam on you.
No, no, no.
We're just customers.
You know, an ex-supermodel who could still easily get work, my weird sister.
(Chuckles) This guy, and, uh, I don't even know what's going on over there.
(Southern accent) I'm from the South, or whatever.
Please leave right now.
What the hell happened? You! The haggler.
I should have known you were behind this.
This is all Casey's fault.
He was doing some crazy accent.
Casey, what the nuts? (Normal voice) I'll be honest.
I didn't totally understand the plan.
I just went full twain.
I'm summoning the authorities.
Okay.
Okay.
You win.
I tried bargaining, I tried paying cash, and I tried a ruse.
But for once in his life, Joel Putney is going to pay retail (Card whooshes) Because I love my daughter.
Now give me the stroller.
I can't believe I lost to a spaniard.
Excellent.
I am going to enjoy this.
Mm.
Is this the stroller you want-- Ow.
Ahh! (Vicky) Oh, my God, Joel.
Are you all right? Sir.
Sir.
Please tell me you're all right.
(Breathes heavily) Oh, I'm all right.
If I'm not mistaken, you just caused me to be injured in your store.
That's bodily harm, my friend.
Well, it was not my fault.
It damn well was.
(Ben and Mia) It was.
(Southern accent) It sure was.
I think you may be out of a job, mi amigo.
Okay, let's not get this all out of control.
If I give you a 30% discount, maybe we can forget this whole thing.
Mm, we're way beyond discounts.
(Chuckles) I think I'll be taking this (Imitates European accent) Stroller (Normal voice) And pretty much everything else.
Joel, you did it! (Laughs) (Laughs) Everybody, just--Just go buy yourself some candy.
(Joel and Vicky moan) Hey.
How'd it go? They offered me my job back.
Oh! That's great news.
Mmm.
We should celebrate.
Your-- Uour parents drank all our alcohol, so I'll crack open the milk.
I turned the job down.
What? (Sets keys down) I was gonna say yes.
I really was.
They offered me everything-- Full partner, a bigger office, and apparently, I'm allowed to steal all the pens I want.
But then I remembered what you said earlier.
Oh.
Of course, it's my fault.
It's always my fault.
Ben.
(Chuckles) No, this is a good thing.
You were right.
You talk about your work endlessly.
You annoy everyone.
But I never did talk about my work, never.
I think, somewhere along the way, I lost my passion.
So obviously, it's not the right career for me.
Oh.
You know what you want to do instead? I have no idea.
(Giggles) But I know it's not lawyer, and I'm excited to find out what it is.
Oh, well, that's actually really brave of you, Maddie.
I just want a job I love so much that I'm as annoying as you.
Aw.
I want that for you, too.
(Giggles) Mm.
Just so you know, if you try hotel manager, I will crush you.
(Laughs) Hey.
Notice anything different? You're wearing new underwear.
I was showing you my new shirt, but I am wearing new underwear.
How did you know? 'Cause there's no way you still fit into the old ones.
Oops.
(Singsongy) Love you.
Hey, Ben.
Notice anything different? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not playing this game with you, where I have to try and guess what's different, and when I guess wrong, which I always do, you're gonna get really mad at me, and you're not gonna talk to me for two days, so after nine years, I have learned my lesson.
Benny don't play that.
Come on.
I won't get mad.
There's just something new, and I want to know if people will notice it or not.
It's not a big deal.
Please? All right.
I've never seen that necklace before.
You, uh, you got a new necklace.
(Voice breaking) I got my hair cut, Ben.
It took two hours.
And you got me this necklace for Christmas! What is the matter with you?! (Tv playing indistinctly) Notice anything different? Oh, God.
That hat is awful.
I know, but I got it for 98% off.
Keep the hat on.
Take everything else off.