Clarence US (2014) s01e21 Episode Script

1 [remote clicks.]
[upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [school bell rings.]
I'm gonna go shopping.
All right, everyone.
Have a great weekend! Next week, we'll start learning about the state birds.
- Quack, quack! - Yep, those are bird sounds, great.
Ms.
Baker! Ms.
Baker! Did you see the hat that I made?! Yes, Dustin, I saw it.
You were wearing it all day.
Very nice.
[laughs.]
Clarence: Hmm.
That is a very nice hat.
Oh, Dustin, a word, please! [sighs heavily.]
[country music playing.]
[indistinct conversations.]
Hmm.
Ahh.
All set to order, or do we still need a minute? Oh, um, I'm I'm waiting for someone a friend.
A-A date, I mean.
A blind date, really.
My friend set us up.
I don't even know what he looks like.
I mean, I know nothing about this guy absolutely nothing.
He could be an ex-convict for all I know.
What am I doing? Do you think I should just leave? I'll just check back in a few minutes.
[music, conversations continue.]
Mom: So, Clarence, what did you learn in school today? Clarence: Nothing.
We just watched a video about a frog that has babies out its back.
[gasps.]
Oh, babies out its back? - That's gross, man.
- Welcome to Chuckleton's, where everything tastes funny.
Ha ha ha.
How is everyone this evening? May I start you off - with some drinks? - Uh, I'll do an iced tea.
I'll just have a water.
Clarence, can you please just focus on the menu for a minute and decide what you want? [whip!.]
[gasps.]
[horn honks.]
Clarence: # The stars at night # Jeff: No, no, no! [all screaming.]
[Clarence farts.]
- Yeah, can I get a milkshake? - Mom: Clarence.
Clarence: I mean, I'll just have a regular milk, I guess.
Uh, I, uh I'll be right back with your drinks.
- Aah! - Can we get some cheese toggles? Mom: Okay, but you got to get something with veggies, too, all right? Clarence: What's that? [gasps.]
- T-T-T-T-T-T - Mom: Wh-What? What is it? - Is there something on my face? - Tapenade? Mom: Timpani? Clarence, are you trying - to say, "timpani"? - Clarence: Teacher! Mom: Oh.
That's Ms.
Baker, isn't it? Clarence: What is she doing here? It doesn't make any sense.
Why is she here? - Why?! What does it mean?! - Mom: Clarence.
Clarence: What does that mean? What does this mean? What does this mean? What does anything mean? [grunts.]
- Mom: Okay, Clarence.
- Clarence: I've got to figure this out.
Mom: No.
No! Just pretend you didn't see her, okay? - Please? - Clarence: Mm, okay.
I'll try.
[grunting.]
[beep.]
[groans.]
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
Huh? [mid-tempo jazz music playing.]
[gasps.]
[music continues.]
Ohh.
[chuckles nervously.]
Hey.
[music distorts, stops.]
Love is love [sighs.]
Oh.
Well, tha well, that's good.
[gasps.]
Oh, no.
[dramatic music playing.]
[grunting.]
- You Melanie? - Oh, hi.
Yes.
- You must be Brenda's friend.
- Yep.
That's me.
Call me "Larry.
" So, how old are you? - Uh [clears throat.]
I'm 32.
- 32.
32.
70.
- Are you a homeowner? - Um, no.
I-I rent a condo.
Con do.
So, what do you like - to eat here? - Oh, I've I've never been - here before.
- Well, have you tried the crab legs? No.
I've never been here.
Oh.
I didn't get that.
[chuckles.]
Clarence, how you like your cinnamon rangers? Clarence: They're yeah, they're great.
- I-I got to go do a-a thing.
- A thing? - Clarence: Yeah, a poop thing.
- Mom: Clarence, don't say, - "poop" at the table.
- Clarence: I'm sorry.
I mean, excuse me.
I mean, may I be excused? Mom: Hmm.
[suspenseful music playing.]
Ohh.
- You got any kids? - Uh, no, none yet.
- Ah.
No kids.
- Oh, wait.
Uh [munching.]
- Ohh.
- Are you sure you don't want - anything from the salad bar? - They have some great pickles.
No.
I think I'm good.
Don't let me stop you, though.
[chuckles nervously.]
I won't.
Oh, why did I ever trust Brenda? [sighs.]
Aaah! Clarence! - Wha What are you doing here? - Clarence: I think I'll do the questioning here, Ms.
Baker.
What are you doing here? - Shouldn't you be at school? - W Why would I be at school? Clarence: Because you're always at school? Is that what you think that I never leave the school? - Clarence: Uh - Okay, everyone.
Have a great weekend! [motor powers down.]
[whirring and clicking.]
[animal howls in distance.]
[vacuum cleaner whirring.]
Clarence: [imitating vacuum cleaner whirring.]
Clarence, stop! No one vacuums me, and I don't - live at the school.
- Clarence: That doesn't make sense.
Where do you go, then? - I go home.
- Clarence: What?! Home?! - Where?! - Look, that's not important.
Can we just talk about this monday in class? Clarence: But how did you get here and where are your glasses and why are you dressed like that and where - is this a parent-teacher conference? - No, Clarence.
It's not.
I'm just [sighs.]
I'm here with a friend.
Clarence: Who that guy? Is he your grandpa? No, he's not.
So, hey, it's probably time - for you to head back now.
- Clarence: But how do you know him, though? He's not in our class.
[munching.]
I just do.
Now, I really think you should - go back to your table now.
- [grunting.]
Is this your son? Oh, no.
He's He's one of my students.
- Hmm.
Stu dent.
- Clarence: Hi, Ms.
Baker's friend.
I'm Clarence.
Clarence?! I'm Clarence! [bozh gasp.]
What? I thought your name was Larry.
All right.
Are we all ready to orde Aaaah! - I'll be back later.
- Yep.
- "Larry" is short for "Clarence.
" - Clarence: That's so cool.
I've never met anyone with ny name before.
We're like twin brothers or something.
- Hmm.
No, I don't think so.
- Uh, excuse me.
Uh, I need to use the ladies' room, so I'm just gonna get Ahh.
[munching.]
Where's my kid? Is he still in the bathroom? Yeah.
What'd he do fall in?! [laughs.]
That one never gets old.
I'll go check on him.
Clarence: And then Jeff is my other friend.
He's really cool.
He knows all this stuff about rocks and fish and stuff like that.
And so one time at school I brought in a chicken 'cause oh, yeah 'cause my family raises chickens.
I brought in my chicken, Lucine.
She's named after my garbage lady.
- Slow down.
Slow down! - Clarence: But Ms.
Baker said I couldn't have it at school, so I had to get picked up, but Ms.
Baker wasn't mad, though.
She thought it was funny.
But my mom was kind of mad.
- Are you gonna marry Ms.
Baker? - [grunts.]
Couldn't tell you yet.
Just met her.
Got to have a second date first.
[laughing.]
[coughing.]
Clarence: Wait.
Is Ms.
Baker still in the bathroom? - Why didn't she come back? - Don't know.
Maybe she fell in.
Clarence: Mm, that joke's kind of old.
It's not a joke.
We'd better check on her.
Clarence: Okay.
- Are we supposed to be in here? - It ain't nothin' - I haven't seen before.
- Yeah, but he's not even close to my type, Brenda.
No! I don't know why you - Clarence: Ms.
Baker? - Melanie.
Melanie? - Is that you in there? - You have got to be kidding me! Clarence: Ms.
Baker, it's us the Clarence brothers! We're just making sure you're all right.
Flush twice if you can hear us.
Hello?! Hey, buddy! You realize this is the women's room, right? Clarence: Oh, hey, Chad.
Clarence and I were just talking to Ms.
Baker.
Come on in.
Uh, Chad.
How do you spell that? - Hi.
Um What? - All right! So, actually, this isn't Ms.
Baker or Melanie in the stall.
It's someone else, so you guys can go away! Melanie, I brought you some of those crab legs - I was talking about.
- What? N-No.
I don't oof! Aah! Did you catch any of those? It's real good.
Clarence: Ms.
Baker, is it okay if we have food in the bathroom? You said I couldn't at school.
We're not in school, Clarence! I'm not your teacher now.
I'm just a regular person.
Ow! [clunk! Squish!.]
[gasps.]
Wait a minute! Ms.
Baker, you are a regular person! Does that mean that you're just in there because you're lonely, because you're all alone in the world and like the last person on Earth after a zombie apocalypse or the last piece of popcorn in the bottom of the bag or the last puppy in the litter - that nobody wants to take home? - # this day's not like any day # - Mom: Where are those guys? - Excuse me! Young man, you need to do something.
There are a bunch of men - in the women's bathroom.
- Mom: Oh, no.
Clarence: I just wanted to say hi to you and so you'd have a fun time and for you to get married.
Look, Clarence, I know you're trying to help, but I'm fine.
- You can leave now.
- Clarence: Just Just come out of the stall and sit at our table.
You can be part of our family.
I'm just gonna come - in there and give you a hug.
- Wait.
Ohh! Clarence: Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
- Hug me.
Hug me.
Hug me.
- Clarence, that is not - Clarence, that's not necessary! - I want to give you a hu - Ohhhh! - Mom: Okay! Everyone out! Oh, you poor thing.
I'm so sorry.
[indistinct conversation.]
That's how I got my Bachelor's degree.
They just, like, print it.
Mom: Oh, I'm telling you! A-After one, I think I'm done.
"One and done," I think, is what I said, actually - one and done.
- Decoupage I cut out pieces - of cardboard.
- Hey, Clarence, do you have any - more crab legs I could try? - Yeah.
[grunting.]
I always get stuck bussing tables Whoa! Ohh! Huh? [squish!.]
My eye! [screams.]
[chuckles.]
Chuckleton's where everything tastes funny.
[laughs.]