Dan Vs. (2010) s01e21 Episode Script

Can we please pick up the pace? Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.
You said you needed a ride and you only had one thing to do.
Yeah, run errands.
Plus, you got something too.
One thing at one place.
I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday.
- Nice, huh? - The box is okay, I guess.
It's an heirloom.
It was the only thing of value my great-great-grandmother brought with her to this country.
I got it engraved, see? - Who's Elsie? - What? Oh, no.
What's going on here? Ta-da! Oh, magic.
Never mind.
We're going.
Cool! Magic.
Seriously? How old are you? Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand, Dan.
No.
They have gimmicky decks of cards and thinly-veiled distractions.
"You will feel a punch.
Watch this hand.
" Ow! How did you do that? For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
How about you? Behold! A necklace.
Transportatum necloranicum.
It's gone.
Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.
I'm sorry, but that would be impossible.
I banished it to the fourth dimension of the universe.
What? Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Your necklace is now in another realm.
A small price to pay for magic! Hey, buddy.
You might fool children and Chris here.
But we both know that magic is a scam.
Now give my friend his necklace back.
Abracadabra.
Wait.
Those look like-- Abracadabra! Hey! I know you're in there! It's no use, Dan.
You can't fight a magician.
For the last time, magic is not real.
So this isn't your underwear? MAGICIAN!!! That magician just made the necklace just poof.
It's your fault.
You let that crook run free.
- So did you.
- And now I'll stop at nothing to get even.
Hence my plan.
Walking around until you run into that magician is not a plan.
It is if I have a bat with me.
That's not so much a plan as it is aggravated assault.
I guess we can mangle his reputation instead.
How do we do that? Come on! I have an idea.
Yeah, Mom.
I'm opening it right now.
No, l Iove it.
It's What kind of snacks do you have? I mean happy birthday, Elise.
Hey, Mom.
I got to go.
Where have you been? I was ah just preparing for your birthday.
With Dan? For your information, we got you an amazing birthday gift.
And it sounds like it's here.
Ta-da.
No, no, no! What is a magician doing here? Making your birthday special.
What is your problem? Get him out of here! I hate magicians! You do? Why? God, talk about ungrateful.
All right, you're up.
Okay.
Just point me to the children.
- Children? - lsn't this a kids' birthday party? I brought Sprinkles.
Oh, yeah.
Uh I said that children thing so you wouldn't be suspicious.
Suspicious about what? All I need you to do is show me how you con artists make necklaces disappear.
I can't do that.
Why not? We paid you for an hour.
Look, I can't break the magician's code.
The rules of The Magic Manor clearly state I can't reveal magic secrets to any non-magicians.
So, The Magic Manor is where magicians keep all their secrets.
Yes.
I mean, no.
I've said too much! I always do that.
It's nothing.
Or maybe one of you wants to pick a card? No, that won't be necessary.
Why do I get so nervous? - Leave us.
- Okay.
Come on.
Let's follow him.
Hey, Elise.
We're going out.
I'll be back soon.
Is the magician gone? Chris? Chris, he's gone, right? Chris? Talk about gaudy.
Yeesh.
This is perfect.
We penetrate their sanctum sanctorum and expose magic for the fraud that it is.
- Two, please.
- Two what? Tickets, passes, whatever.
You have to say the magic words.
Ha-ha.
Are you kidding me? Clearly, you are not magicians.
Please get off our property.
Listen, meathead.
We need to see "The Amazing Peter.
" It's important.
I promised I'd return his baseball bat.
Look, buddy.
Either disappear or I will make you disappear.
Fine.
Come on, Chris.
We'll just have to-- attack! Run! Come on.
It's not that far to the roof.
I don't know.
This doesn't seem safe.
Nothing worth doing is safe.
- Was marrying Elise safe? - Yes.
- Well, there you have it.
- Hey.
What do you think you're doing? Wow, that guy's really-- Next time Still think magic's not real? - Hello, Peter.
- Ah! You! What are you doing in my room? Or should I say, The Amazing Peter? How did you find me? You're asking the wrong question.
The right question is "How do I get my rabbit back?" Sprinkles! You monster.
What did you do to my best friend? He's safe.
Chris.
Note the newspaper is from today.
Sprinkles is alive and well, but that can change easily.
What do you want? Tell us how every single magic trick is done.
I can't.
I'm just a junior magician.
Useless! Come on, Chris.
Guess we'll just have to see how long Sprinkles can hold her breath.
Wait, maybe I can get you into The Magic Manor.
I guess that's worth the life of one rabbit.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going to put you on the list as my guests for the next show.
We can't go back as ourselves, there's been too much - ugliness.
- Well, then what? I want you to help us pass as magicians.
Now open your closet.
We need outfits.
Will you please hurry up? You just like to be included, don't you, Mr.
Mumbles? Hi, honey.
Chris, what are you doing dressed as a magician? I'll tell you if you tell me why you're so scared of magicians.
Ah, there's nothing to talk about? Well, Dan and I really have to go to The Magic Manor.
And done.
Cuter than any rabbit I've ever seen.
Hello, fellow magician.
I am "Dan the Great," and this is my assistant "The Enchanted Chris.
" How are you this evening? Magic words.
My, your blue eyes are striking in the moonlight.
Right this way.
Come on.
Top hats.
Wands.
Doves.
Enjoy, Mr.
Mumbles.
You've earned it.
Have fun.
This is ridiculous.
Where is the room with all the secrets? Every castle has a room where they keep the secrets.
Okay.
It's not going to be that bad.
You can do this, Elise.
Hi, my name is Eliza.
I'm here about the lovely-assistant job.
Are you coming? Could you please try not to get kill-- What the-- They seem to be letters, English in origin.
Watch your step.
Seriously? Wow.
How did you do that? Just spell out "MAGlC" with your feet.
Man, these guys are nerds.
M A J! Hello? Aha.
Here's your so-called "fourth dimension.
" I told you this hocus-pocus was mumbo jumbo.
You! Stop polishing watches.
I need you to go to Pasadena and work a jewelry convention.
Should be a gold mine, if you know what I mean.
Yes, sir.
I'm impressed.
There is some serious crime happening here.
No.
No.
Come on, where is it? Wait, I think I found it.
Wait! Got it! Smooth as always, genius.
Alright, magician.
Game's over.
- We know the truth.
- It's Magnifico the Magnificent.
And for your information, I found all these watches and I bought all this jewelry.
I don't care about that.
Steal away! I just want you to admit that you don't have any magical powers.
Oh, I have powers! Observe.
- Eh, that didn't even look real.
- Felt real.
Sleep.
I'll take that.
Dan? Dan? Dan! Wha-- where am l? Magnifico did magic on you.
- He did not! - He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks.
It was magic, real magic.
Stop struggling.
You're only making it worse.
This should cool you off.
- Elise?! - Hi, guys.
What are you doing here? Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story.
It all started on my eighth birthday.
Good afternoon, boys and girls.
I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic! Oh, oh, me, me! Everyone, give a big hand for Elise.
All right,just sit down.
All right, on three.
Three! Help me! Please, stop! Ta-da! Please Ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.
Wow, that's awful.
I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.
Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic.
So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it.
What? He'll live.
Ahh, much better.
Wait.
How did you get free? Well, I got really bored during Elise's story.
Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.
How did you get your other hand free? Pulled really hard.
Well, help us.
Do you believe in magic? You bet do.
There's no time.
I'll have to come back for you guys.
Don't move.
- What are you doing? - I stepped in something.
Hey where's the third guy? Ahh bathroom? All right.
Just pick a card, any card.
You again.
Go to your room, Bobby.
Look, I helped you already.
Just leave us alone.
It's not that simple.
Magnifico is more stalwart than I thought.
The only way to stop him is if we work together to figure out how he does his so-called "magic.
" I don't know.
Magnifico said everyone we steal from deserves it.
He was pretty convincing too.
Fine.
Don't do it for yourself, don't even do it for me, but do it for your little brother.
And maybe a little bit for me and for yourself too, actually.
You know what, when you think about it, it's mostly for you.
Do it for yourself.
Okay.
I just have to tell my parents where I'm going.
Magic words.
My, your blue eyes are striking in the moonlight.
I need to check your box.
Of course.
Spin the panel.
All right.
Go ahead.
Go to the dungeon.
You'll find my friends there.
Save them.
Then go to the dove room and get Mr.
Mumbles.
- She's a cat.
- What about you? I need to prepare.
It's time to make some magic.
When we get out of here, I promise you the most decadently relaxing birthday ever.
We'll have monkeys as waiters.
- I'll-- - Shh.
Someone's coming.
Ahh! Magician! - No! Get away! - It's okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Where's Dan? Behold the power of magic.
And witness the Chest of Wonders.
You, sir, are baloney.
You're no more magical than my big toe.
Can your big toe do this? What the-- Aw, I wish I had a wand like that.
No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic.
It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.
- Who taught you my magic trick? - No one.
I figured them out with plain old common sense.
I'll admit levitating was the hardest one.
Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.
Aha! Sleep! Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness.
Chloroform vapor.
Magnifico! No! Wow.
Mr.
Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.
Stay right here.
Time to show you a trick or two.
Happy birthday.
- Seriously? - You don't understand.
The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother-- and then Dan-- - We'll talk later.
- Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight.
I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash.
- I hope that you've all learned-- - Hey, Dan.
Abra-- I've never seen Mr.
Mumbles attack anyone like that before.
See? Everything has an explanation.
Hey, Dan, I was thinking.
You totally proved magic wrong.
Right.
And you completely embarrassed Magnifico by explaining away every trick perfectly with logic.
Where are you going with this? I just don't get how Magnifico was able to get your underwear.
I have no idea.
So, maybe it was real magic.
Who's Elsie?