Ed (2000) s01e21 Episode Script
Mixed Signals
1 Las Vegas is a fickle mistress.
You may hold her, but you may not own her, for she is Vegas.
-You ever been to Vegas, Kenny? That's cute.
-What's that mean? I was banned from Caesar's in 1987.
-Banned from Caesar's.
Why, what were you doing, card counting? -Not the casino, the buffet.
128 shrimp, $2.
99.
Suddenly the house didn't have such an advantage if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
Hey, there she is.
-I finished the sign.
-Oh, wow, that's great, Shirley.
I like how you made the "S" into a dollar sign.
It's very nice.
Please don't condescend to me.
I'm I'm not condescending to you, I'm Okay.
Hey, Shirley.
-Hey, Ed, I found these in the attic.
Ah, more chips.
Excellent.
Hey, Mike, I got one.
Ten bucks if when Kenny comes back you kiss him on the cheek.
Come on, Ed, I don't want to kiss Kenny on the cheek.
Do the words ten bucks, Mike" mean anything to you? Here he comes.
-Hey, Mikey, Mikey, how you doin'? Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Kenny.
( giggling ) You went European.
-Yeah, I thought it might help.
( rhythm guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ed, do you have a minute? Hey, Warren, what's doing? -My junior prom is coming up in a couple weeks and I just kind of need to earn a little extra cash to help with some of the necessary ( French pronunciation ): accoutrements.
Yeah, the prom.
I remember that well.
Tuxedo rental, the flowers.
What's that flower called? The corsage.
Yeah, sure.
Well, so anyway, I was wondering I got it.
Okay, um, I was wondering if you need any extra help, uh you know, I could around the bowling alley.
-What do you have in mind? I could pass out shoes or breathe some much-needed life into the snack bar.
Just bowling alley stuff.
Snack bar's fine, but I tell you what you could do.
You can give us a hand setting up Vegas Night.
Oh, right, Vegas Night.
That's a great idea.
( to himself ): That's never been done before.
Hi.
Hey, Carol, hi.
Warren.
Oh, Miss Vessey, what are you doing here? I don't know about you two crazy kids.
( silly laugh ) Ed, I left a bag a blue-pink bag.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Carol Vessey leaves a bag in Ed Stevens's house.
Interesting.
Hmm.
Actually, Warren, not that it's any of your business but I left this at the bowling alley the other night.
Carol don't mislead him.
She left it at my house.
-Ed.
-What? No, she did.
Well, okay, this is, uh this is getting all too adorable for me So I'm going to ship out.
so so I start tomorrow, or? Yeah.
Cool.
Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Bye, Miss Vessey.
Good-bye, Warren.
What is that? Warren needs extra money for his prom so I told him he could help around the bowling alley.
-Ah, yes, the prom.
You went to our prom, didn't you? Yes, Ed, I went to our prom.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I can't remember Right, I remember seeing you there now.
You were the one with the big fancy shiny crown on top of her head.
I was, indeed, the prom queen.
And I have endured years of ribbing over it but if you really feel a need to pile on, be my guest.
Great, 'cause I was wondering Now how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have, like, say, bombed Belgium? Could and did.
Good, they had it coming.
( giggling ) I had a really, really good time the other night.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm going to go.
I'll see ya.
Okay.
Okay, well, that's great news, Henry.
Yeah, no, I'm sure he'll be really excited to hear that.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Nance, what are you doing here? ( southern accent ): Oh, Dr.
Burton, my back is so sore.
I guess I should take off my clothes so you can examine me with your big, strong hands.
That's funny, ma'am I've had that same fantasy myself.
With me? Uh, yeah, you were there.
I'm there? Who else is there? The Rockettes.
You're a weirdo.
You forgot your lunch.
Oh, thanks, hon.
I better get back to work.
I don't want Dr.
Jerome to see me.
( imitating ): You enjoy your nice, long break, Dr.
Burton.
Don't worry about your patients.
Always a pleasure, Mrs.
Burton.
Hey, you're going to like this one.
Get this Henry Dauria just called Mm-hmm.
told me they've selected Dr.
Jerome to be honored as Doctor of the Year.
You're kidding me.
No.
Mike, I swear, sometimes I don't know why you don't just quit.
Ah, he's going to retire any day now.
He's been saying that for two years.
I know, but he can't keep on like this.
He can't.
It's going to be so great when I take over this practice.
I can make my own rules.
Be my own boss.
Really take care of you and Sarah.
What? Nothing, I just figured that Dr.
Jerome would come barging in right at this moment.
I got to go out of town this weekend for a bris.
You bring a gift to that sort of thing? Cotton swabs and mecuracrome.
( machine whirs loudly ) Phil! Phil, what are you doing? This thing's going to make Las Vegas Night a huge success.
What is it? We're going to pump pure oxygen into the bowling What?! Oxygen, like the casinos do.
100% O2, baby! People'll be bowling their brains out till 4:00 a.
m.
Really clears the head, doesn't it? Phil! Ed, you have a client.
What?! You have a client.
What?! ( same volume ): You have a client.
Phil -What?! ( loud whirring stops ) You have a client.
Thank you, Shirley.
( loud whirring starts ) ( whirring stops ) Hi, I'm Ed Stevens.
-Jerry Foley.
-Hi, Jerry.
We'll talk in my office.
( loud whirring starts ) ( whirring stops ) Excuse him.
How can I help you, sir? -You know the Stuckeyville Open? The golf tournament? Yeah.
They just played last week, right? Right.
-I won it.
-You won it? Well, kind of.
You kind of won it? I lost it.
You lost it.
May I tell you the story? Please.
I'm leading by one stroke going into the final hole.
All I need is a par to win.
So I bang the tee-shot 250 right down the center.
Beautiful.
Leaves me 140 from the pin.
So I feather an 8-iron, boom.
I'm sitting on the dance floor 14 feet from the cup.
So you're on the green in two.
You hole out in two, you win.
Exactly.
So, I lay-up a very nice commercial putt the ball stops two feet from the hole.
I got a tap-in for the $10.
000 first prize money.
Right.
I bend over the putt and right in the middle of my back swing some idiot fan screams out at the top of his lungs.
I flinch.
The ball shoots eight feet past the cup and down the hill.
I miss the comeback putt, I end up third.
Gus McGraw wins the tournament.
Wow.
It's just not right.
This is not the way people should behave.
Well, what did you have in mind, Jerry? I don't know, can I sue the guy who yelled out? Yes, you can.
But there's not much chance you're going to win.
Ed, I'm not Tiger Woods.
I don't have a lot of money.
And I never finished first in a golf tournament before.
This was my day.
This guy took my day away.
I feel for you, I'd love to help you.
I just don't think this case is winnable.
They engrave your name on the trophy.
They hand out a giant cardboard check like the kind that Ed McMahon hands out.
This should've been my day.
What about this? What if I go talk to the guy who won see if I can't convince him to let you take the putt over? Can you legally force him to do that? Legally, I don't know, but I could appeal to his sense of fair play.
( sighs ) Let me try.
Well, if you can't convince Gus McGraw can we sue the guy who yelled out? You got it.
By the way, what did the guy yell out? You da man.
Course.
WARREN: Hey, Mark Gavin, how you boys doin' today, huh? My life is perfection.
Oh, hey, I was thinking we should go to the prom in style, you know? We should get a limo.
But not just like a regular limo we should get one of those really huge ones with the jacuzzi in it.
Have you seen these things? How cool would that be we're sitting in a jacuzzi riding around in a big car? I mean, come on.
-You're just happy 'cause you lucked into a date.
Have you officially asked Donna yet? No, I'm waiting for the perfect moment.
How about you guys, who you going to ask? We're going stag.
See, that's the cool way to go to your prom.
That way you have all the ladies to choose from.
Uh, yeah, but, all the ladies at the prom are going to have dates, Einstein.
And inevitably somebody will do somebody wrong and Gavin and I will be right there to help heartbroken fair maidens pick up the pieces.
Oh-kay.
Hey, guys.
Ah, Donna.
Hello.
How are you this lovely lunch period? I'm good, how you doing, Warren? Aces.
Care to join us? No, thanks, I got to go.
I just wanted to return your notes.
No problem-o.
Have you guys got your dates lined up yet for the prom? It's less than two weeks away.
We're still assessing our options.
Well, don't take too long.
It's coming up real soon.
Well, um, I guess I'll see you later in Science.
Science it is.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Kid's crazy about me.
-Warren.
Yeah? -You're an.
Then what are you saying? -I'm saying that I love you.
I just don't know if I'm in love with you right now.
And because of that, I don't know if it's fair to you that we continue on.
You're breaking up with me? Baby, it's not about you.
I need a little "me time" right now.
Okay.
-I got to go.
Wow.
This is like when Puff Daddy and J.
Lo went splitsville.
Brainstorm Forget about Donna.
You should ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
You've worshipped her since you were 11.
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I'm going to ask Donna.
Besides, there's not a chance in hell Jessica Martell would go to the prom with Warren Cheswick.
I know that but I still want to see what happens if you ask.
I don't know Raging Bull? ( knocking ) I've got to go.
Yeah.
Yes! Hello, Dr.
Jerome.
Oh, Dr.
Burton, what have you got? Well, I've got some, uh I've got some pretty exciting news.
Uh-huh, this'll be good.
Yeah.
You know that Tri-State Doctor of the Year Award? Of course.
Well, yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine, Henry Dauria and he told me that this year the award is going to be presented to none other than one Dr.
Walter Jerome.
Congratulations.
Uh, you don't, you don't seem uh happy.
Did you have anything to do with this you putty-brained goat? No.
Like I told you, I just heard about it from a friend.
Well, tell your friends I've seen their little dog-and-pony show.
It's tacky, unprofessional, and I'm not interested.
Yeah, okay, I'll tell them that.
No, no.
Then it'll get out that I turned down the award and everybody'll be pissed off at me.
Well, I'm going to go.
Sit down! You got me into this you're going to get me out.
I didn't get you into this.
-Here, start writing.
Tell your friend the following.
There'll be no dancers no singers, no publicity photos for the local paper, and I want to approve the guest list, the menu and all entertainment.
Are you writing this down, sonny? You do have opposable thumbs, don't you? up, up, up.
L1, L2, up, up, down, down, up, up, up, up and then you get the magic ring.
You are so full of it.
Fine, don't believe me.
Hey, Jess.
Oh, hey, Warren.
Hey, Jess, I really like your sweater the one tied around your waist, I mean.
Oh, thanks.
So how's beans I mean, tricks? How's tricks? Tim broke up with me.
What? Are you serious? Just two weeks before our prom.
WARREN: Wow, that that sucks.
Well, see you later.
All right, Jess.
You keep on keeping on.
Something like that.
I don't believe it.
Jessica Martell wants you to ask her to the prom.
( chuckles ) Well, that's not true.
Wake up, Cheswick! Why do you think she's telling you that? No way.
That's not what that was about.
Hey, how many times do I have to tell you? Girls like Jessica Martell do not go to the prom with guys like Warren Cheswick.
It's a law of nature.
Gavin, will you knock some sense into this manook? Manook? Mark is right.
Okay, have you lost your mind? And "manook", what is that? Why do you keep saying that? -I heard it on The Sopranos.
Gus McGraw? Yes.
Congratulations on winning the Stuckeyville Open.
I'm Ed Stevens, Jerry Foley's attorney.
Attorney? That's right.
-Jerry Foley doesn't need an attorney.
He needs lessons.
Know what I'm saying, Four-Eyes? Man has a gimme putt for $10.
000 and he missed it.
Well, because a fan yelled out.
That is crap on a stick, my friend.
Why don't you let him take that putt over again? You know, I like Jerry Foley, I really do.
He's a nice guy but he chokes.
There's nothing I can do about that.
You know what really happened.
Give him another chance.
If he makes it, he wins, but if he misses you know you really won.
Personally, I think it'll be good for golf.
You know what? What's that? You got it.
Have him meet me here tomorrow at noon.
Seriously? It's the only fair thing to do.
If I don't give him another chance the win will be forever tainted.
Gus McGraw, you're one heck of a guy.
Hey, Ed.
Yeah.
There's one thing I need if I'm going to agree to this.
What's that? About six years ago I'm in a Frenchman's Brook invitational.
I'm on 17, I'm just teeing off when a caddy drops a bag.
The noise makes me hook my shot into the rough and I end up losing by one stroke.
Now, without that bag falling I win that tournament going away.
So I'm going to need you to get in touch with the guy I lost to and get him to give me another tee shot on 17.
Is that right? Yeah.
Actually, that reminds me.
Two months ago, Braidburn Classic, I'm hitting a six iron and this plane goes directly overhead.
Okay, I think you've made your point, Mr.
McGraw.
Have I? -I think so.
I think we're done talking.
-Okay, then.
Cocktail in one hand, a showgirl in the other the casino staff catering to my every whim.
To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments.
What did you play? I hear baccarat has the best odds.
I heard it was blackjack.
-The giant wheel was my poison.
Hey, can I ask you guys a question? ED: Sure.
This girl Jessica Martell comes up to me today, right? The girl from the Christmas party? -Yeah, that's the one.
What happened to that girl on the mountain? Right now we're focusing on Jessica, okay? -Okay.
Anyway, she comes up to me and she tells me that her boyfriend just broke up with her, right? And then she adds "Oh, and two weeks before the prom.
" So my question to you is -Up top, bird dog you are in like Flynn.
What are you? -Up top.
-You want me to? -Yeah, boy.
( grunts ) ( groans ) Anyway, so what what do you think? What should I do? -Well, I don't think Jessica would say something like that to you unless she were trying to give you a sign.
I think you should ask her to the prom.
-All right.
Oh, my God.
Somebody mark down the date and the time.
It's never happened before but I do believe I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs.
-Say Yay-uh.
I don't think so.
Ugh.
I asked for a splash of chrysanthemum.
This is an ocean.
This is a tidal wave.
You have to be so careful with chryssies.
Hi.
Excuse me.
You can stand anywhere but there, hon.
You're blocking the light.
Oh, sorry, I'm looking for a Mr.
Scott Hayes.
"Mister.
" Huh.
How continental.
Will you take a gander at the caboose on her.
Hmm.
I'd like to get my mitts on that some day.
I'm Scott Hayes.
Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Mike Burton Dr.
Burton.
I work with Dr.
Jerome.
You're just the man I've been looking for.
Sit yourself down here.
Okay.
Are you with me? Yeah.
What is Dr.
Jerome's hat size? Uh I have no idea.
Why, why do you need Dr.
Jerome's hat size? Well, I'm working on a little something I call the Sombrero of Glory.
It's got pictures of his patients taped to the side.
It's going to be wonderful.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Um, I think, uh I think Dr.
Jerome's going to want to know about some of these things you're planning.
Abso-posi-lutley.
It's his party, after all.
Take this down.
We're going to start with a production dance number that's going to make the Oscars look like a kid's birthday party, and then the Fantastic Fun Players are going to come running out, screaming "Is there a doctor in the house? "Is there a doctor in the house? Yes, there's a doctor in the house.
" It's going to be hysterical.
Unbelievable.
They will be cracking up.
They'll be dying from laughter.
He's going to have to perform CPR on the whole bunch.
You're not writing anything down.
Uh, so, som-sombrero Hey.
Ho.
-Huh? -Ho.
I'm trying out "ho" for a while instead of "hi.
" It's going to be my thing.
Oh.
How many sugars? -Five.
-Thank you.
I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with Warren Cheswick.
-Go on.
He told me that you told him to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
That's right, I did.
-But Jessica Martell is the prettiest most popular girl in school.
-Yeah, I know.
I know.
That's why I told him to ask her out.
Ask her.
Seize the day.
Carpe diem.
See, that's really my thing.
The "ho" thing's going to take a while.
Ed, you see there's this other girl, Donna Tozzi who's eagerly awaiting being asked to the prom by Warren.
Donna Tozzi? The girl from the top of the mountain? Yeah.
Okay, but he's liked the Jessica girl for a while.
I'm just saying, if he doesn't ask her out doesn't take his shot, he could end up being 30 and buying a bowling alley.
Hey.
Don't you mean, "ho"? That's just for "hi.
" Huh.
What are you doing Friday night? Nothing.
Well, we're having Vegas Night at the bowling alley.
Would you like to come? Yes, I would.
Cool.
We'll have fun.
Mm.
a standup comic in Las Vegas? Yeah.
1979, like, six months at the Aladdin.
I once opened for Goulet.
-Robert Goulet? Yeah.
-Excellent.
Now, before I can hire you I'm going to need you to answer a few questions.
All right.
-Are you funny? -Yeah.
-How funny? Hysterically funny.
Great.
You have 30 seconds to make me laugh starting now.
All right, uh A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The priest orders a beer ( laughing hysterically ) That's great.
( laughing ): A priest and a because they would never be together.
( laughing ) At a bar! You are so hired.
( laughing ) Phil, I'm going to court now.
Everything under control? Tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
( laughing hysterically ) ( laughing harder ) I'll be going now.
( laughing continues ) TIM: You da man! CROWD: Oh ( laughing ) Jerry! ( chanting ): Jerry, Jerry, Jerry Jerry, Jerry, Jerry Mr.
Vecchio, I hardly know where to begin.
Why did you yell, "You da man" as my client was about to make a tournament-winning putt? Because he's da man.
I see.
You're taking this whole thing rather lightly for a guy who's on the hook for $10.
000.
I ain't taking it lightly.
You asked, I answered.
-So am I to understand that you don't think there's anything wrong with what you did? Look.
I'm what you call a superfan.
I love sports and when I'm in the crowd I can't just sit back and watch like a lump.
Now, I come out to have a good time and show my support.
Support.
You're trying to claim that screaming as a guy takes his backswing is a way of showing support? Bingo! -Mr.
Vecchio Now, I go to a baseball game or a football game I scream until my lungs bleed.
People love it.
This wasn't baseball or football though.
This was golf.
So what? I checked the rules of the tournament.
They didn't say anything about making noise.
I'm a superfan.
-Yeah.
Nothing further.
He wants you to wear this sombrero that he No.
Okay.
Uh, can he put on a dance number? No.
Uh, how about a group of singers? -No.
Uh, one singer? -No.
Okay.
Can they serve filet mignon for dinner? Sure.
-Sure.
Okay.
Uh ( clears throat ) He, um well well, he has a a party clown dressed as a doctor, which I think will be fine.
No! No! No! What did I tell you? I want it simple.
I want it classy.
I don't want sombreros.
I don't want clowns.
I don't want singing donkeys.
I'm a doctor.
I heal people so they'll feel better.
I don't do it so that your little party friend can throw a shindig.
Do you understand me? Okay, Molls, I think that Ed may have asked me out, like on a date.
What are you talking about? Come on.
You and Ed do stuff together all the time.
I know, I know, but this seemed somehow different.
Different? Yeah.
Yeah, something about the way that he asked me: "Would you like to come?" Not "Want to come?" Not, you know, "You're thinking of coming?" There was a certain formality to it.
Plus, he stopped right before he asked me.
We were walking along and then he stopped and said, "Would you would you like to come?" He stopped and he said, "Would you like to come?" Yes.
I know, I know.
I'm insane.
I'm insane.
But it's not a date.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Okay, I didn't say you were insane, you know.
A little loopy, maybe.
Yeah.
But here's another thing: Wouldn't he usually invite all of us to something like this? All right, you have a point.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
You know, he didn't invite me because he knew I was going out of town.
Oh.
Okay, okay.
All right, so now we know.
It's it's not a date.
I don't know, I just had it in my head.
Did you want it to be a date? No.
No.
Molls, I just think it's kind of weird not to know what he had in mind.
Wouldn't you want to know? Surely I would.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I just wanted to be sure.
That's all.
That's it.
11 days to prom night and counting.
And I stand here at crossroads.
To my left, Donna Tozzi: sweet, cute, smart, great girl great, great girl.
To my right, Jessica Martell: the hottest girl in school.
Maybe, maybe the hottest in the state.
Well, she's just totally hot.
Her level of hotness is-is ridiculous is-is mind-blowing.
"Oh, but, Warren", you say.
"There's, there's no way she wants you to ask her to the prom.
" Well, that's where you're incorrect because Ed Stevens is positive that she does and how can you argue with a man who's getting it on with Carol Vessey? Well, at least I-I I think they're getting it on.
Everyone's going to say "Oh, Warren, you've got to ask Donna.
She's all down-to-earth and sweet.
" And that's the thing.
That's, see, that's the messed-up thing is that she is and we get along and she's great and I, and I really, really, really like her.
I should, I should ask her.
I should.
( groans ) But Jessica Martell, man, she's so awesome! Oh, my God, you are awesome! Jessica Martell wants Warren P.
Cheswick! I'm supposed to ignore that? Am I supposed to just let that go? Not do anything about it? Not capitalize on it at all? I don't think so.
How long is it going to take the judge to reach a verdict? We ought to have it soon.
Doesn't look good, does it? Not really.
Just don't understand a world that lets a guy get away with that kind of behavior.
I know what you mean.
Hey, Jerry! Check this out.
Did you see that? Two feet, no problem.
How anyone can miss something from just two feet away is beyond me.
You know what, Vecchio? What's that, Jerry? Hey, Jerry, just ignore him.
You make me sick.
Oh, do I? I've met a lot of jerks in my life but you deserve the Nobel Jerk Prize.
Wow, thanks, Jerry.
Hey, while we're on the subject, why don't you let me tell you a story about a jerk.
What? No, it's a good one.
See, about five years ago I spent a summer caddying at the Stuckeyville Golf Club, right? One day, a guy comes in to play 18 holes and everybody's saying he's, you know, he's about to go pro so I figure I got to be on my best behavior.
So we're out on the links, this guy and me and I'm caddying my little heart out.
And he shoots a great game, but when it comes time to say good-bye, he stiffs me on the tip.
Zilch.
Nada.
The old goose egg.
What a jerk, huh? He probably doesn't remember me.
Hey, you da man, Jerry! ( humming ) No.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
No.
Wh-what is the matter? These are not the same cheese puffs I feel in love with last November.
Yes, they are.
This is the exact same recipe.
Are you trying to play me out? What? Don't even! Good-bye, Joel.
Dr.
Burton! I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, Scott.
I have questions, questions, questions.
Would you happen to know if Dr.
Jerome is allergic to lead-based paint? Uh, Wh-why? It's this body-art idea I'm playing with.
Not to worry.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Scott, I don't think Dr.
Jerome will like that kind of thing whatever it is and I should tell you he sort of he sort of, uh he sort of rejected some of your ideas.
Which ones? Well, all of them.
All of them? Yeah.
Yeah, you see Dr.
Jerome is very very particular about this sort of thing.
He just wants to make sure everything is very very simplified, very very classy.
Say no more.
I understand.
Simple, classy.
Simple, classy.
Right.
Look, I completely hear that.
I can make it work.
I can do simple, classy like you won't believe.
JUDGE: The rules of golf make the game of golf possible.
Without the rules, all you've got is a bunch of guys whacking balls with sticks.
Likewise, the rules of life make civil society possible.
Now, some of those rules are written into law.
Unfortunately, the rule broken by Mr.
Vecchio is not.
There's simply no law against acting like a jerk.
So, as much as it pains me to do so I must find for the defendant, Tim Vecchio.
Yes! Ha-ha! ( chanting ): Tim man, Tim man Tim man, Tim man, Tim man.
MARK: Who is that? That's Ayn Rand.
Oh.
She play Miss Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies? No.
She wrote Atlas Shrugged.
WARREN: Gavin! Kiss my ring.
You aren't wearing a ring.
Oh, kiss my hand, then for I'm your king your future Prom King.
What are you talking about? I'm going to do it.
I'm going to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
You're really going to do it? I'm really going to do it! I thought about it, and I figured just go for it, go for the gusto! That's it, man.
Give me that sweet, sweet gusto! Aw, that's what I'm talking about! All right! Yeah! Hey, guys.
Oh, hey-y-y, Donna, what's up? Nothing.
What's all the excitement? Uh they're making Superman into a movie.
Didn't they already do that? No.
Okay.
Well, um, talk to you later, Warren.
Bye, guys.
Later, Donna.
Nice one, moron.
Shut up, you little rodent.
to my speech so far? Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Okay, well, it's a little rough so don't be too critical.
No, I won't.
Okay.
All right.
Ready? Imagine taking a ferocious Doberman Pinscher and starving it for a week.
Now imagine rubbing yourself with bacon grease and locking yourself in a closet with that angry, famished, half-crazed hellhound.
Now you know what it's like to work for Dr.
Walter Jerome.
( laughing ) The scary thing is I'm not 100% certain that that isn't your real speech.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
I-I hate that man's guts.
How am I supposed to write some lovey-dovey speech about him? Have you ever tried out-and-out lying? No.
Well, thanks, honey.
Any time.
Jessica.
-Hi, Warren.
What's up? Jessica Prom.
( clearing throat ) Uh, prom -What? Will you go to the prom with me, Jessica? I'm sorry, Warren, I can't.
Oh, that's cool.
What, did you get back together with Tim, or? No.
-No, really? So, who you going with? Tommy or Jakey? Foz-Cat? It's Foz-Cat, right? -Actually, no one's really asked me yet.
Oh, right, right.
No, that's totally cool.
Awesome.
Well I should go.
I'll catch you later, Jess.
-Okay.
Bye, Warren.
Oh, uh, bye.
-Watch the chair.
I'm sorry.
-What? I'm sorry.
-Oh, oh.
It's cool.
Hey, Donna.
-Hey, Warren.
Hey, do you want to go to the prom with me? Oh, uh, I can't.
What? Well, David Mirsky asked me at lunch and I said yes.
David Mirsky? That-that kid with the weird shoes? They're not that weird.
Oh, man.
Well Wait, wait, hang on.
Um, I got a good idea.
Can you, like, get out of it? Warren.
What if we just went as friends? We'll go as friends.
Let's just go as friends.
I'll buy you a dress.
I'm sorry, Warren.
Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas Good evening, miss.
Oh.
I'm former heavyweight champ Leon Spinks.
Welcome to the Stuckey Bowl Hotel and Casino.
-Thank you Leon.
PHIL: Carol Vessey.
You look about as tasty as a 99-cent shrimp cocktail.
Are you ready to spin for shoes? Round and round and round she goes.
Phil, is that really Leon Spinks? Well, that was as close as I could get for five bucks an hour.
Where she stops, nobody knows.
12 and a half.
ED: Hey, Siegfried and Roy coming, Kenny? Oh, it's all taken care of, chief.
-Excellent.
Oh, Laura, looking good.
Hey, Carol.
Welcome to Vegas Night.
-Hi.
Let's go get you a Vegas Viper.
-What's that? -Hi-C and vodka.
-Mmm, yummy.
So far, so good.
-Yeah, yeah, I think he's he's actually enjoying himself.
Last time I saw him this happy he had his foot up my.
Then how could you see him? -I craned my neck around.
( tapping on glass ) Hello.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, before we begin our ceremony, Dr.
Burton has asked to say a few words.
Dr.
Burton.
( applause ) Good evening.
Like every physician, I took the Hippocratic Oath which reads in part, "With purity "and with holiness I will pass my life and practice my art.
" I never truly understood those words until I'd spent some time with Dr.
Walter Jerome the finest man I know.
( applause ) ED: Good morning, Mr.
Lucky.
Ah, come on.
Come to papa.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo, my friend.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
What's an orange going to give me? Chief.
Chief.
Yeah.
We got a problem.
What's that? They sent us two Roys.
I don't think that'll be a problem, Kenny.
We'll fix it in post.
-What does that mean? I don't know.
Oh! -Come on, you punk.
-I'm winning right here.
Look at this.
Look at me, I'm winning.
I am rich! Ha! Settle down, there, Sparky.
Those are just prize tokens, remember.
What can I get with that? -That many? I think you're looking at the Underdog Pinata, my friend.
-Oh, Ed Stevens.
I got to hand it to you.
You do know how to throw the wacky theme shindig.
Thank you, Carol Vessey.
Are, uh, Mike and Nancy on their way, or are they? Oh, they're not going to be here.
Oh, really? I invited them.
They had to do this thing with Dr.
Jerome.
Yeah Oh.
No Molly, no Mike, no Nancy.
It's just going to be you and me, baby.
Mm-hmm.
Feeling lucky.
Hit me, sergeant.
What's your name, little lady? Shirley.
My heart says Danke Schoen to present the Tri-State Doctor of the Year Award to Dr.
Walter Jerome.
( applause ) Thank you, Dr.
Busis and thank you to the Tri-State Physicians Association for this great honor.
Well, it's Good old reliable Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor Jerome If you're looking for health care He'll furnish the spot Even when your fever's up, it's never too hot Not for good old reliable Doctor Doctor, Doctor, Doctor Jerome He's the oldest established Permanent Tri-State Doctor of the Year.
I'm a dead man.
-Oh, sweetie.
But it is so, so worth it.
She's there watching for me If I could fly like birds on high ( imitating gunfire ) You want to go again? What do you say double or nothing? Actually, I'm thinking about taking off.
What? What are you talking about? It's Vegas Night.
We got to Vegas it up, baby.
-I'm feeling a little Vegas'd out.
How's that possible? Catch a bad shrimp? -No.
No, I'm fine.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I, you know, I've got a little bit of a headache so I think I'm just going to head on home.
Let's go for a walk, get you some fresh air.
No, I'm fine, really.
Come on.
Okay.
-Okay.
-Okay.
'Tis a beautiful night.
'Tis indeed.
Yeah, way to pick up on the "'tis", man.
Thanks, man.
You know, I read in the paper the other day Pluto isn't really a planet after all.
Really? -Yeah.
-What is it? -It's just a comet.
Huh.
-Mm-hmm.
Earth's still a planet, though, right? -We're totally cool.
-Okay.
We're totally cool.
Although, if I were Neptune, I'd be watching my back.
Hmm.
Do you remember the first time we came here? When I first came back to town? Yeah.
Yeah, I remember.
Things were different then.
Oh, gosh, I'll say.
I had just found Liz with the mailman.
You were still with Nick.
If Nick and I hadn't been arguing there is no way you could have charmed me into the moonlight stroll by the pond.
Ah, but charm you I did, and, if I'm not mistaken this is exactly where it happened, isn't it? This bench, right here, is where it happened.
What? The kiss that made a man move back home and buy a bowling alley.
That was just a good-bye kiss.
Just? There is no "just" about it.
Aha.
Yeah, they told me I'd find you here.
Warren? Carol, I'm going to have to ask you to cover your eyes.
I don't want you to have to see this.
See what? I'm taking you down, Stevens.
Right now! You and me, let's go.
What did I do? You told me to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
Uh-huh.
Well, guess what? She shot me down.
Big surprise.
God, you understand women about as well as Steve Kmetko.
Who? -The guy from the E! Channel.
-Oh.
-He's gay.
-Really? -Yeah.
So that's it.
It's my junior prom and I got no date.
No Jessica Martell, no Donna Nothing.
I'm screwed.
Warren, I'm sorry.
Really.
I-I had no idea.
Oh, Warren, I'm sorry, I had no idea.
Warren.
-Warren.
Shut up.
-I feel guilty.
Don't.
Don't.
That kid always lands on his feet.
-Yeah.
Shooting star.
-Where? Right there.
-I missed it.
( groans ) Yeah.
I'll get the next one.
Did you know that shooting stars are actually the size of appleds? Really? -Oh, yeah.
-Wait, whoa.
First, Pluto is not a planet, and now this.
I-I think you're just messing with my head.
No, I'm simply trying to unlock the secrets of the universe for you, Carol.
I appreciate that.
-It's cool.
You may hold her, but you may not own her, for she is Vegas.
-You ever been to Vegas, Kenny? That's cute.
-What's that mean? I was banned from Caesar's in 1987.
-Banned from Caesar's.
Why, what were you doing, card counting? -Not the casino, the buffet.
128 shrimp, $2.
99.
Suddenly the house didn't have such an advantage if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
Hey, there she is.
-I finished the sign.
-Oh, wow, that's great, Shirley.
I like how you made the "S" into a dollar sign.
It's very nice.
Please don't condescend to me.
I'm I'm not condescending to you, I'm Okay.
Hey, Shirley.
-Hey, Ed, I found these in the attic.
Ah, more chips.
Excellent.
Hey, Mike, I got one.
Ten bucks if when Kenny comes back you kiss him on the cheek.
Come on, Ed, I don't want to kiss Kenny on the cheek.
Do the words ten bucks, Mike" mean anything to you? Here he comes.
-Hey, Mikey, Mikey, how you doin'? Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Kenny.
( giggling ) You went European.
-Yeah, I thought it might help.
( rhythm guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ed, do you have a minute? Hey, Warren, what's doing? -My junior prom is coming up in a couple weeks and I just kind of need to earn a little extra cash to help with some of the necessary ( French pronunciation ): accoutrements.
Yeah, the prom.
I remember that well.
Tuxedo rental, the flowers.
What's that flower called? The corsage.
Yeah, sure.
Well, so anyway, I was wondering I got it.
Okay, um, I was wondering if you need any extra help, uh you know, I could around the bowling alley.
-What do you have in mind? I could pass out shoes or breathe some much-needed life into the snack bar.
Just bowling alley stuff.
Snack bar's fine, but I tell you what you could do.
You can give us a hand setting up Vegas Night.
Oh, right, Vegas Night.
That's a great idea.
( to himself ): That's never been done before.
Hi.
Hey, Carol, hi.
Warren.
Oh, Miss Vessey, what are you doing here? I don't know about you two crazy kids.
( silly laugh ) Ed, I left a bag a blue-pink bag.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Carol Vessey leaves a bag in Ed Stevens's house.
Interesting.
Hmm.
Actually, Warren, not that it's any of your business but I left this at the bowling alley the other night.
Carol don't mislead him.
She left it at my house.
-Ed.
-What? No, she did.
Well, okay, this is, uh this is getting all too adorable for me So I'm going to ship out.
so so I start tomorrow, or? Yeah.
Cool.
Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Bye, Miss Vessey.
Good-bye, Warren.
What is that? Warren needs extra money for his prom so I told him he could help around the bowling alley.
-Ah, yes, the prom.
You went to our prom, didn't you? Yes, Ed, I went to our prom.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I can't remember Right, I remember seeing you there now.
You were the one with the big fancy shiny crown on top of her head.
I was, indeed, the prom queen.
And I have endured years of ribbing over it but if you really feel a need to pile on, be my guest.
Great, 'cause I was wondering Now how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have, like, say, bombed Belgium? Could and did.
Good, they had it coming.
( giggling ) I had a really, really good time the other night.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm going to go.
I'll see ya.
Okay.
Okay, well, that's great news, Henry.
Yeah, no, I'm sure he'll be really excited to hear that.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Nance, what are you doing here? ( southern accent ): Oh, Dr.
Burton, my back is so sore.
I guess I should take off my clothes so you can examine me with your big, strong hands.
That's funny, ma'am I've had that same fantasy myself.
With me? Uh, yeah, you were there.
I'm there? Who else is there? The Rockettes.
You're a weirdo.
You forgot your lunch.
Oh, thanks, hon.
I better get back to work.
I don't want Dr.
Jerome to see me.
( imitating ): You enjoy your nice, long break, Dr.
Burton.
Don't worry about your patients.
Always a pleasure, Mrs.
Burton.
Hey, you're going to like this one.
Get this Henry Dauria just called Mm-hmm.
told me they've selected Dr.
Jerome to be honored as Doctor of the Year.
You're kidding me.
No.
Mike, I swear, sometimes I don't know why you don't just quit.
Ah, he's going to retire any day now.
He's been saying that for two years.
I know, but he can't keep on like this.
He can't.
It's going to be so great when I take over this practice.
I can make my own rules.
Be my own boss.
Really take care of you and Sarah.
What? Nothing, I just figured that Dr.
Jerome would come barging in right at this moment.
I got to go out of town this weekend for a bris.
You bring a gift to that sort of thing? Cotton swabs and mecuracrome.
( machine whirs loudly ) Phil! Phil, what are you doing? This thing's going to make Las Vegas Night a huge success.
What is it? We're going to pump pure oxygen into the bowling What?! Oxygen, like the casinos do.
100% O2, baby! People'll be bowling their brains out till 4:00 a.
m.
Really clears the head, doesn't it? Phil! Ed, you have a client.
What?! You have a client.
What?! ( same volume ): You have a client.
Phil -What?! ( loud whirring stops ) You have a client.
Thank you, Shirley.
( loud whirring starts ) ( whirring stops ) Hi, I'm Ed Stevens.
-Jerry Foley.
-Hi, Jerry.
We'll talk in my office.
( loud whirring starts ) ( whirring stops ) Excuse him.
How can I help you, sir? -You know the Stuckeyville Open? The golf tournament? Yeah.
They just played last week, right? Right.
-I won it.
-You won it? Well, kind of.
You kind of won it? I lost it.
You lost it.
May I tell you the story? Please.
I'm leading by one stroke going into the final hole.
All I need is a par to win.
So I bang the tee-shot 250 right down the center.
Beautiful.
Leaves me 140 from the pin.
So I feather an 8-iron, boom.
I'm sitting on the dance floor 14 feet from the cup.
So you're on the green in two.
You hole out in two, you win.
Exactly.
So, I lay-up a very nice commercial putt the ball stops two feet from the hole.
I got a tap-in for the $10.
000 first prize money.
Right.
I bend over the putt and right in the middle of my back swing some idiot fan screams out at the top of his lungs.
I flinch.
The ball shoots eight feet past the cup and down the hill.
I miss the comeback putt, I end up third.
Gus McGraw wins the tournament.
Wow.
It's just not right.
This is not the way people should behave.
Well, what did you have in mind, Jerry? I don't know, can I sue the guy who yelled out? Yes, you can.
But there's not much chance you're going to win.
Ed, I'm not Tiger Woods.
I don't have a lot of money.
And I never finished first in a golf tournament before.
This was my day.
This guy took my day away.
I feel for you, I'd love to help you.
I just don't think this case is winnable.
They engrave your name on the trophy.
They hand out a giant cardboard check like the kind that Ed McMahon hands out.
This should've been my day.
What about this? What if I go talk to the guy who won see if I can't convince him to let you take the putt over? Can you legally force him to do that? Legally, I don't know, but I could appeal to his sense of fair play.
( sighs ) Let me try.
Well, if you can't convince Gus McGraw can we sue the guy who yelled out? You got it.
By the way, what did the guy yell out? You da man.
Course.
WARREN: Hey, Mark Gavin, how you boys doin' today, huh? My life is perfection.
Oh, hey, I was thinking we should go to the prom in style, you know? We should get a limo.
But not just like a regular limo we should get one of those really huge ones with the jacuzzi in it.
Have you seen these things? How cool would that be we're sitting in a jacuzzi riding around in a big car? I mean, come on.
-You're just happy 'cause you lucked into a date.
Have you officially asked Donna yet? No, I'm waiting for the perfect moment.
How about you guys, who you going to ask? We're going stag.
See, that's the cool way to go to your prom.
That way you have all the ladies to choose from.
Uh, yeah, but, all the ladies at the prom are going to have dates, Einstein.
And inevitably somebody will do somebody wrong and Gavin and I will be right there to help heartbroken fair maidens pick up the pieces.
Oh-kay.
Hey, guys.
Ah, Donna.
Hello.
How are you this lovely lunch period? I'm good, how you doing, Warren? Aces.
Care to join us? No, thanks, I got to go.
I just wanted to return your notes.
No problem-o.
Have you guys got your dates lined up yet for the prom? It's less than two weeks away.
We're still assessing our options.
Well, don't take too long.
It's coming up real soon.
Well, um, I guess I'll see you later in Science.
Science it is.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Kid's crazy about me.
-Warren.
Yeah? -You're an.
Then what are you saying? -I'm saying that I love you.
I just don't know if I'm in love with you right now.
And because of that, I don't know if it's fair to you that we continue on.
You're breaking up with me? Baby, it's not about you.
I need a little "me time" right now.
Okay.
-I got to go.
Wow.
This is like when Puff Daddy and J.
Lo went splitsville.
Brainstorm Forget about Donna.
You should ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
You've worshipped her since you were 11.
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I'm going to ask Donna.
Besides, there's not a chance in hell Jessica Martell would go to the prom with Warren Cheswick.
I know that but I still want to see what happens if you ask.
I don't know Raging Bull? ( knocking ) I've got to go.
Yeah.
Yes! Hello, Dr.
Jerome.
Oh, Dr.
Burton, what have you got? Well, I've got some, uh I've got some pretty exciting news.
Uh-huh, this'll be good.
Yeah.
You know that Tri-State Doctor of the Year Award? Of course.
Well, yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine, Henry Dauria and he told me that this year the award is going to be presented to none other than one Dr.
Walter Jerome.
Congratulations.
Uh, you don't, you don't seem uh happy.
Did you have anything to do with this you putty-brained goat? No.
Like I told you, I just heard about it from a friend.
Well, tell your friends I've seen their little dog-and-pony show.
It's tacky, unprofessional, and I'm not interested.
Yeah, okay, I'll tell them that.
No, no.
Then it'll get out that I turned down the award and everybody'll be pissed off at me.
Well, I'm going to go.
Sit down! You got me into this you're going to get me out.
I didn't get you into this.
-Here, start writing.
Tell your friend the following.
There'll be no dancers no singers, no publicity photos for the local paper, and I want to approve the guest list, the menu and all entertainment.
Are you writing this down, sonny? You do have opposable thumbs, don't you? up, up, up.
L1, L2, up, up, down, down, up, up, up, up and then you get the magic ring.
You are so full of it.
Fine, don't believe me.
Hey, Jess.
Oh, hey, Warren.
Hey, Jess, I really like your sweater the one tied around your waist, I mean.
Oh, thanks.
So how's beans I mean, tricks? How's tricks? Tim broke up with me.
What? Are you serious? Just two weeks before our prom.
WARREN: Wow, that that sucks.
Well, see you later.
All right, Jess.
You keep on keeping on.
Something like that.
I don't believe it.
Jessica Martell wants you to ask her to the prom.
( chuckles ) Well, that's not true.
Wake up, Cheswick! Why do you think she's telling you that? No way.
That's not what that was about.
Hey, how many times do I have to tell you? Girls like Jessica Martell do not go to the prom with guys like Warren Cheswick.
It's a law of nature.
Gavin, will you knock some sense into this manook? Manook? Mark is right.
Okay, have you lost your mind? And "manook", what is that? Why do you keep saying that? -I heard it on The Sopranos.
Gus McGraw? Yes.
Congratulations on winning the Stuckeyville Open.
I'm Ed Stevens, Jerry Foley's attorney.
Attorney? That's right.
-Jerry Foley doesn't need an attorney.
He needs lessons.
Know what I'm saying, Four-Eyes? Man has a gimme putt for $10.
000 and he missed it.
Well, because a fan yelled out.
That is crap on a stick, my friend.
Why don't you let him take that putt over again? You know, I like Jerry Foley, I really do.
He's a nice guy but he chokes.
There's nothing I can do about that.
You know what really happened.
Give him another chance.
If he makes it, he wins, but if he misses you know you really won.
Personally, I think it'll be good for golf.
You know what? What's that? You got it.
Have him meet me here tomorrow at noon.
Seriously? It's the only fair thing to do.
If I don't give him another chance the win will be forever tainted.
Gus McGraw, you're one heck of a guy.
Hey, Ed.
Yeah.
There's one thing I need if I'm going to agree to this.
What's that? About six years ago I'm in a Frenchman's Brook invitational.
I'm on 17, I'm just teeing off when a caddy drops a bag.
The noise makes me hook my shot into the rough and I end up losing by one stroke.
Now, without that bag falling I win that tournament going away.
So I'm going to need you to get in touch with the guy I lost to and get him to give me another tee shot on 17.
Is that right? Yeah.
Actually, that reminds me.
Two months ago, Braidburn Classic, I'm hitting a six iron and this plane goes directly overhead.
Okay, I think you've made your point, Mr.
McGraw.
Have I? -I think so.
I think we're done talking.
-Okay, then.
Cocktail in one hand, a showgirl in the other the casino staff catering to my every whim.
To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments.
What did you play? I hear baccarat has the best odds.
I heard it was blackjack.
-The giant wheel was my poison.
Hey, can I ask you guys a question? ED: Sure.
This girl Jessica Martell comes up to me today, right? The girl from the Christmas party? -Yeah, that's the one.
What happened to that girl on the mountain? Right now we're focusing on Jessica, okay? -Okay.
Anyway, she comes up to me and she tells me that her boyfriend just broke up with her, right? And then she adds "Oh, and two weeks before the prom.
" So my question to you is -Up top, bird dog you are in like Flynn.
What are you? -Up top.
-You want me to? -Yeah, boy.
( grunts ) ( groans ) Anyway, so what what do you think? What should I do? -Well, I don't think Jessica would say something like that to you unless she were trying to give you a sign.
I think you should ask her to the prom.
-All right.
Oh, my God.
Somebody mark down the date and the time.
It's never happened before but I do believe I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs.
-Say Yay-uh.
I don't think so.
Ugh.
I asked for a splash of chrysanthemum.
This is an ocean.
This is a tidal wave.
You have to be so careful with chryssies.
Hi.
Excuse me.
You can stand anywhere but there, hon.
You're blocking the light.
Oh, sorry, I'm looking for a Mr.
Scott Hayes.
"Mister.
" Huh.
How continental.
Will you take a gander at the caboose on her.
Hmm.
I'd like to get my mitts on that some day.
I'm Scott Hayes.
Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Mike Burton Dr.
Burton.
I work with Dr.
Jerome.
You're just the man I've been looking for.
Sit yourself down here.
Okay.
Are you with me? Yeah.
What is Dr.
Jerome's hat size? Uh I have no idea.
Why, why do you need Dr.
Jerome's hat size? Well, I'm working on a little something I call the Sombrero of Glory.
It's got pictures of his patients taped to the side.
It's going to be wonderful.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Um, I think, uh I think Dr.
Jerome's going to want to know about some of these things you're planning.
Abso-posi-lutley.
It's his party, after all.
Take this down.
We're going to start with a production dance number that's going to make the Oscars look like a kid's birthday party, and then the Fantastic Fun Players are going to come running out, screaming "Is there a doctor in the house? "Is there a doctor in the house? Yes, there's a doctor in the house.
" It's going to be hysterical.
Unbelievable.
They will be cracking up.
They'll be dying from laughter.
He's going to have to perform CPR on the whole bunch.
You're not writing anything down.
Uh, so, som-sombrero Hey.
Ho.
-Huh? -Ho.
I'm trying out "ho" for a while instead of "hi.
" It's going to be my thing.
Oh.
How many sugars? -Five.
-Thank you.
I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with Warren Cheswick.
-Go on.
He told me that you told him to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
That's right, I did.
-But Jessica Martell is the prettiest most popular girl in school.
-Yeah, I know.
I know.
That's why I told him to ask her out.
Ask her.
Seize the day.
Carpe diem.
See, that's really my thing.
The "ho" thing's going to take a while.
Ed, you see there's this other girl, Donna Tozzi who's eagerly awaiting being asked to the prom by Warren.
Donna Tozzi? The girl from the top of the mountain? Yeah.
Okay, but he's liked the Jessica girl for a while.
I'm just saying, if he doesn't ask her out doesn't take his shot, he could end up being 30 and buying a bowling alley.
Hey.
Don't you mean, "ho"? That's just for "hi.
" Huh.
What are you doing Friday night? Nothing.
Well, we're having Vegas Night at the bowling alley.
Would you like to come? Yes, I would.
Cool.
We'll have fun.
Mm.
a standup comic in Las Vegas? Yeah.
1979, like, six months at the Aladdin.
I once opened for Goulet.
-Robert Goulet? Yeah.
-Excellent.
Now, before I can hire you I'm going to need you to answer a few questions.
All right.
-Are you funny? -Yeah.
-How funny? Hysterically funny.
Great.
You have 30 seconds to make me laugh starting now.
All right, uh A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The priest orders a beer ( laughing hysterically ) That's great.
( laughing ): A priest and a because they would never be together.
( laughing ) At a bar! You are so hired.
( laughing ) Phil, I'm going to court now.
Everything under control? Tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
( laughing hysterically ) ( laughing harder ) I'll be going now.
( laughing continues ) TIM: You da man! CROWD: Oh ( laughing ) Jerry! ( chanting ): Jerry, Jerry, Jerry Jerry, Jerry, Jerry Mr.
Vecchio, I hardly know where to begin.
Why did you yell, "You da man" as my client was about to make a tournament-winning putt? Because he's da man.
I see.
You're taking this whole thing rather lightly for a guy who's on the hook for $10.
000.
I ain't taking it lightly.
You asked, I answered.
-So am I to understand that you don't think there's anything wrong with what you did? Look.
I'm what you call a superfan.
I love sports and when I'm in the crowd I can't just sit back and watch like a lump.
Now, I come out to have a good time and show my support.
Support.
You're trying to claim that screaming as a guy takes his backswing is a way of showing support? Bingo! -Mr.
Vecchio Now, I go to a baseball game or a football game I scream until my lungs bleed.
People love it.
This wasn't baseball or football though.
This was golf.
So what? I checked the rules of the tournament.
They didn't say anything about making noise.
I'm a superfan.
-Yeah.
Nothing further.
He wants you to wear this sombrero that he No.
Okay.
Uh, can he put on a dance number? No.
Uh, how about a group of singers? -No.
Uh, one singer? -No.
Okay.
Can they serve filet mignon for dinner? Sure.
-Sure.
Okay.
Uh ( clears throat ) He, um well well, he has a a party clown dressed as a doctor, which I think will be fine.
No! No! No! What did I tell you? I want it simple.
I want it classy.
I don't want sombreros.
I don't want clowns.
I don't want singing donkeys.
I'm a doctor.
I heal people so they'll feel better.
I don't do it so that your little party friend can throw a shindig.
Do you understand me? Okay, Molls, I think that Ed may have asked me out, like on a date.
What are you talking about? Come on.
You and Ed do stuff together all the time.
I know, I know, but this seemed somehow different.
Different? Yeah.
Yeah, something about the way that he asked me: "Would you like to come?" Not "Want to come?" Not, you know, "You're thinking of coming?" There was a certain formality to it.
Plus, he stopped right before he asked me.
We were walking along and then he stopped and said, "Would you would you like to come?" He stopped and he said, "Would you like to come?" Yes.
I know, I know.
I'm insane.
I'm insane.
But it's not a date.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Okay, I didn't say you were insane, you know.
A little loopy, maybe.
Yeah.
But here's another thing: Wouldn't he usually invite all of us to something like this? All right, you have a point.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
You know, he didn't invite me because he knew I was going out of town.
Oh.
Okay, okay.
All right, so now we know.
It's it's not a date.
I don't know, I just had it in my head.
Did you want it to be a date? No.
No.
Molls, I just think it's kind of weird not to know what he had in mind.
Wouldn't you want to know? Surely I would.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I just wanted to be sure.
That's all.
That's it.
11 days to prom night and counting.
And I stand here at crossroads.
To my left, Donna Tozzi: sweet, cute, smart, great girl great, great girl.
To my right, Jessica Martell: the hottest girl in school.
Maybe, maybe the hottest in the state.
Well, she's just totally hot.
Her level of hotness is-is ridiculous is-is mind-blowing.
"Oh, but, Warren", you say.
"There's, there's no way she wants you to ask her to the prom.
" Well, that's where you're incorrect because Ed Stevens is positive that she does and how can you argue with a man who's getting it on with Carol Vessey? Well, at least I-I I think they're getting it on.
Everyone's going to say "Oh, Warren, you've got to ask Donna.
She's all down-to-earth and sweet.
" And that's the thing.
That's, see, that's the messed-up thing is that she is and we get along and she's great and I, and I really, really, really like her.
I should, I should ask her.
I should.
( groans ) But Jessica Martell, man, she's so awesome! Oh, my God, you are awesome! Jessica Martell wants Warren P.
Cheswick! I'm supposed to ignore that? Am I supposed to just let that go? Not do anything about it? Not capitalize on it at all? I don't think so.
How long is it going to take the judge to reach a verdict? We ought to have it soon.
Doesn't look good, does it? Not really.
Just don't understand a world that lets a guy get away with that kind of behavior.
I know what you mean.
Hey, Jerry! Check this out.
Did you see that? Two feet, no problem.
How anyone can miss something from just two feet away is beyond me.
You know what, Vecchio? What's that, Jerry? Hey, Jerry, just ignore him.
You make me sick.
Oh, do I? I've met a lot of jerks in my life but you deserve the Nobel Jerk Prize.
Wow, thanks, Jerry.
Hey, while we're on the subject, why don't you let me tell you a story about a jerk.
What? No, it's a good one.
See, about five years ago I spent a summer caddying at the Stuckeyville Golf Club, right? One day, a guy comes in to play 18 holes and everybody's saying he's, you know, he's about to go pro so I figure I got to be on my best behavior.
So we're out on the links, this guy and me and I'm caddying my little heart out.
And he shoots a great game, but when it comes time to say good-bye, he stiffs me on the tip.
Zilch.
Nada.
The old goose egg.
What a jerk, huh? He probably doesn't remember me.
Hey, you da man, Jerry! ( humming ) No.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
No.
Wh-what is the matter? These are not the same cheese puffs I feel in love with last November.
Yes, they are.
This is the exact same recipe.
Are you trying to play me out? What? Don't even! Good-bye, Joel.
Dr.
Burton! I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, Scott.
I have questions, questions, questions.
Would you happen to know if Dr.
Jerome is allergic to lead-based paint? Uh, Wh-why? It's this body-art idea I'm playing with.
Not to worry.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Scott, I don't think Dr.
Jerome will like that kind of thing whatever it is and I should tell you he sort of he sort of, uh he sort of rejected some of your ideas.
Which ones? Well, all of them.
All of them? Yeah.
Yeah, you see Dr.
Jerome is very very particular about this sort of thing.
He just wants to make sure everything is very very simplified, very very classy.
Say no more.
I understand.
Simple, classy.
Simple, classy.
Right.
Look, I completely hear that.
I can make it work.
I can do simple, classy like you won't believe.
JUDGE: The rules of golf make the game of golf possible.
Without the rules, all you've got is a bunch of guys whacking balls with sticks.
Likewise, the rules of life make civil society possible.
Now, some of those rules are written into law.
Unfortunately, the rule broken by Mr.
Vecchio is not.
There's simply no law against acting like a jerk.
So, as much as it pains me to do so I must find for the defendant, Tim Vecchio.
Yes! Ha-ha! ( chanting ): Tim man, Tim man Tim man, Tim man, Tim man.
MARK: Who is that? That's Ayn Rand.
Oh.
She play Miss Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies? No.
She wrote Atlas Shrugged.
WARREN: Gavin! Kiss my ring.
You aren't wearing a ring.
Oh, kiss my hand, then for I'm your king your future Prom King.
What are you talking about? I'm going to do it.
I'm going to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
You're really going to do it? I'm really going to do it! I thought about it, and I figured just go for it, go for the gusto! That's it, man.
Give me that sweet, sweet gusto! Aw, that's what I'm talking about! All right! Yeah! Hey, guys.
Oh, hey-y-y, Donna, what's up? Nothing.
What's all the excitement? Uh they're making Superman into a movie.
Didn't they already do that? No.
Okay.
Well, um, talk to you later, Warren.
Bye, guys.
Later, Donna.
Nice one, moron.
Shut up, you little rodent.
to my speech so far? Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Okay, well, it's a little rough so don't be too critical.
No, I won't.
Okay.
All right.
Ready? Imagine taking a ferocious Doberman Pinscher and starving it for a week.
Now imagine rubbing yourself with bacon grease and locking yourself in a closet with that angry, famished, half-crazed hellhound.
Now you know what it's like to work for Dr.
Walter Jerome.
( laughing ) The scary thing is I'm not 100% certain that that isn't your real speech.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
I-I hate that man's guts.
How am I supposed to write some lovey-dovey speech about him? Have you ever tried out-and-out lying? No.
Well, thanks, honey.
Any time.
Jessica.
-Hi, Warren.
What's up? Jessica Prom.
( clearing throat ) Uh, prom -What? Will you go to the prom with me, Jessica? I'm sorry, Warren, I can't.
Oh, that's cool.
What, did you get back together with Tim, or? No.
-No, really? So, who you going with? Tommy or Jakey? Foz-Cat? It's Foz-Cat, right? -Actually, no one's really asked me yet.
Oh, right, right.
No, that's totally cool.
Awesome.
Well I should go.
I'll catch you later, Jess.
-Okay.
Bye, Warren.
Oh, uh, bye.
-Watch the chair.
I'm sorry.
-What? I'm sorry.
-Oh, oh.
It's cool.
Hey, Donna.
-Hey, Warren.
Hey, do you want to go to the prom with me? Oh, uh, I can't.
What? Well, David Mirsky asked me at lunch and I said yes.
David Mirsky? That-that kid with the weird shoes? They're not that weird.
Oh, man.
Well Wait, wait, hang on.
Um, I got a good idea.
Can you, like, get out of it? Warren.
What if we just went as friends? We'll go as friends.
Let's just go as friends.
I'll buy you a dress.
I'm sorry, Warren.
Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas Good evening, miss.
Oh.
I'm former heavyweight champ Leon Spinks.
Welcome to the Stuckey Bowl Hotel and Casino.
-Thank you Leon.
PHIL: Carol Vessey.
You look about as tasty as a 99-cent shrimp cocktail.
Are you ready to spin for shoes? Round and round and round she goes.
Phil, is that really Leon Spinks? Well, that was as close as I could get for five bucks an hour.
Where she stops, nobody knows.
12 and a half.
ED: Hey, Siegfried and Roy coming, Kenny? Oh, it's all taken care of, chief.
-Excellent.
Oh, Laura, looking good.
Hey, Carol.
Welcome to Vegas Night.
-Hi.
Let's go get you a Vegas Viper.
-What's that? -Hi-C and vodka.
-Mmm, yummy.
So far, so good.
-Yeah, yeah, I think he's he's actually enjoying himself.
Last time I saw him this happy he had his foot up my.
Then how could you see him? -I craned my neck around.
( tapping on glass ) Hello.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, before we begin our ceremony, Dr.
Burton has asked to say a few words.
Dr.
Burton.
( applause ) Good evening.
Like every physician, I took the Hippocratic Oath which reads in part, "With purity "and with holiness I will pass my life and practice my art.
" I never truly understood those words until I'd spent some time with Dr.
Walter Jerome the finest man I know.
( applause ) ED: Good morning, Mr.
Lucky.
Ah, come on.
Come to papa.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo, my friend.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
What's an orange going to give me? Chief.
Chief.
Yeah.
We got a problem.
What's that? They sent us two Roys.
I don't think that'll be a problem, Kenny.
We'll fix it in post.
-What does that mean? I don't know.
Oh! -Come on, you punk.
-I'm winning right here.
Look at this.
Look at me, I'm winning.
I am rich! Ha! Settle down, there, Sparky.
Those are just prize tokens, remember.
What can I get with that? -That many? I think you're looking at the Underdog Pinata, my friend.
-Oh, Ed Stevens.
I got to hand it to you.
You do know how to throw the wacky theme shindig.
Thank you, Carol Vessey.
Are, uh, Mike and Nancy on their way, or are they? Oh, they're not going to be here.
Oh, really? I invited them.
They had to do this thing with Dr.
Jerome.
Yeah Oh.
No Molly, no Mike, no Nancy.
It's just going to be you and me, baby.
Mm-hmm.
Feeling lucky.
Hit me, sergeant.
What's your name, little lady? Shirley.
My heart says Danke Schoen to present the Tri-State Doctor of the Year Award to Dr.
Walter Jerome.
( applause ) Thank you, Dr.
Busis and thank you to the Tri-State Physicians Association for this great honor.
Well, it's Good old reliable Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor Jerome If you're looking for health care He'll furnish the spot Even when your fever's up, it's never too hot Not for good old reliable Doctor Doctor, Doctor, Doctor Jerome He's the oldest established Permanent Tri-State Doctor of the Year.
I'm a dead man.
-Oh, sweetie.
But it is so, so worth it.
She's there watching for me If I could fly like birds on high ( imitating gunfire ) You want to go again? What do you say double or nothing? Actually, I'm thinking about taking off.
What? What are you talking about? It's Vegas Night.
We got to Vegas it up, baby.
-I'm feeling a little Vegas'd out.
How's that possible? Catch a bad shrimp? -No.
No, I'm fine.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I, you know, I've got a little bit of a headache so I think I'm just going to head on home.
Let's go for a walk, get you some fresh air.
No, I'm fine, really.
Come on.
Okay.
-Okay.
-Okay.
'Tis a beautiful night.
'Tis indeed.
Yeah, way to pick up on the "'tis", man.
Thanks, man.
You know, I read in the paper the other day Pluto isn't really a planet after all.
Really? -Yeah.
-What is it? -It's just a comet.
Huh.
-Mm-hmm.
Earth's still a planet, though, right? -We're totally cool.
-Okay.
We're totally cool.
Although, if I were Neptune, I'd be watching my back.
Hmm.
Do you remember the first time we came here? When I first came back to town? Yeah.
Yeah, I remember.
Things were different then.
Oh, gosh, I'll say.
I had just found Liz with the mailman.
You were still with Nick.
If Nick and I hadn't been arguing there is no way you could have charmed me into the moonlight stroll by the pond.
Ah, but charm you I did, and, if I'm not mistaken this is exactly where it happened, isn't it? This bench, right here, is where it happened.
What? The kiss that made a man move back home and buy a bowling alley.
That was just a good-bye kiss.
Just? There is no "just" about it.
Aha.
Yeah, they told me I'd find you here.
Warren? Carol, I'm going to have to ask you to cover your eyes.
I don't want you to have to see this.
See what? I'm taking you down, Stevens.
Right now! You and me, let's go.
What did I do? You told me to ask Jessica Martell to the prom.
Uh-huh.
Well, guess what? She shot me down.
Big surprise.
God, you understand women about as well as Steve Kmetko.
Who? -The guy from the E! Channel.
-Oh.
-He's gay.
-Really? -Yeah.
So that's it.
It's my junior prom and I got no date.
No Jessica Martell, no Donna Nothing.
I'm screwed.
Warren, I'm sorry.
Really.
I-I had no idea.
Oh, Warren, I'm sorry, I had no idea.
Warren.
-Warren.
Shut up.
-I feel guilty.
Don't.
Don't.
That kid always lands on his feet.
-Yeah.
Shooting star.
-Where? Right there.
-I missed it.
( groans ) Yeah.
I'll get the next one.
Did you know that shooting stars are actually the size of appleds? Really? -Oh, yeah.
-Wait, whoa.
First, Pluto is not a planet, and now this.
I-I think you're just messing with my head.
No, I'm simply trying to unlock the secrets of the universe for you, Carol.
I appreciate that.
-It's cool.