Empty Nest (1988) s01e21 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on let's go, dreyf.
Yeah, that's a boy.
All right.
Let's see what's going on in the world today.
Oh, shut up, Barbara.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Nothing? I can't believe how stupid you are.
This is hardly nothing.
They're up.
Get back up there and find it.
Please, what's the matter now? Daddy, she lost my gun.
She was dusting, and she lost my gun.
Well, maybe this will teach you to clean your own room.
Carol, you don't understand.
If you don't find my gun, I can't go to work.
Of course you can.
Just ask them for another one.
It's a police station, for god's sake.
There must be guns all over the place.
Girls, please.
Enough.
I want you back upstairs.
Do not come down here until you find that gun.
All right.
Now, the paper.
Congratulate me, Harry.
This is Amanda Kay.
Won her in a poker game last night.
You played poker for greyhounds? You see, it was late.
and reynaldo, the ship's comic, said, "hey, why play for money when we can play for things?" So anyway Charley, I don't- I don't want to know about this.
Well, I was lucky.
Kolotny won samsonite luggage, and nadler, well, nadler was a big loser.
He lost Mrs.
nadler.
Well, good luck, Charley.
Greyhounds make wonderful pets.
Pet? You crazy? I'm racing Amanda.
Charley, are you sure you want to do that? Oh, yeah.
You can make meggabucks.
You obviously don't know zip about it, Harry.
Anyway, I got to train this dog and get her ready for the track by the way, what do dogs eat? Dog food.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
All right, there we go.
I found it! What is this, my good sweater? What the hell is my good sweater doing in here? Stay out of my closet! I was looking for your gun.
Just a headline, lord.
Is that too much to ask? Why would you put my gun with my scarves and my belts? I don't know.
It seemed like an accessory.
You know I was actually considering taking the two of you with me to the pediatrics convention in Paris next month? Paris? Yeah, I'd have to be out of my mind, with the way you fight all the time.
Did you say Paris, daddy? Paris? No.
No way.
No way.
It'll be embarrassing.
I wouldn't want the French to think we're rude.
Oh, my god, a trip to Paris.
I would love to go to Paris.
Oh, so would I.
Daddy, isn't there anything we can do to change your mind? If you really wanted to come, you'd have to prove to me that you can get along.
For the next month, no fighting.
What does that mean exactly, "no fighting"? I guess it means no yelling at each other.
No, think it probably means we can't argue about anything.
No, it means we can't yell.
Barbara, it means we can't argue.
It means we can't yell.
It means this.
You cannot do this.
Both: Oh.
We can do that.
A letter from home? Yuh-huh.
My best friend lurlene's gettin' married.
Oh, listen to this.
"Dear Laverne.
I'm gettin' married.
Lurlene.
" Boy, she's got the gift of gab.
So are you going? Well, if it's all right, I'm matron of honor.
Oh, I've got to get a gown.
The color scheme for the bridal party is okra.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
How long will you be gone? Leavin' on Friday for a week.
Okay, well, we'd better arrange for a temp.
- Already did.
- You'll have to train her.
Got that set up too.
Don't I have to sign a form or something? You already did.
Boy, I really seem to be on top of this one, don't I? Just think, daddy.
A few weeks from now, I'll be sitting in a sidewalk cafe in Paris, and some gorgeous guy named Jean-Luc or Jean-Pierre will walk by with his great butt.
I think you may be counting your butts before they've hatched.
Let's see if you and your sister can keep on getting along with each other.
We're doing great so far.
I mean, I know it's only the first day, but we haven't had a fight yet.
That's true.
See, daddy? You underestimated us.
Yeah.
Hello, dear.
Where have you been? Oh, I decided to eat in the den.
Did you like the Bordelaise sauce? I made in honor of our trip to Paris.
Possible trip to Paris.
Daddy, you should have more faith in your daughters.
I mean, yes, we've had our disagreements, but that's all in the past because I forgot my magazine.
Excuse me, daddy.
Anyway, daddy wait a minute wait a minute.
Wait a minute wait a minute.
What's what's what's What's going on? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm talking about she comes down, you go out.
She goes up, you come in.
What is that? Coincidence? Barbara, come down here, please.
Excuse me, da no, dear.
You stay with me, please.
But I left the TV on in the den.
I'm a doctor.
I'll cover the cost.
Please.
Now, who's gonna tell me what's going on? You tell him, Carol.
It was your dumb idea.
It was not a dumb idea.
I merely suggested to Barbara that the best way for us to get along was to never be in the same room at the same time.
But that's defeating the whole purpose of the challenge.
The point was to see if you two guys could get along, not avoid each other.
Well, that's not fair.
You can't expect us to be around each other and get along.
It's not possible.
I agree.
What about Paris? Send us a postcard.
No, I'll send you two.
Otherwise, you'll be fighting over who reads it first.
Sit, Amanda.
Sit.
Women, never listen.
Go on, Charley.
Help yourself.
I just came by to tell you the good news about Amanda.
I decided not to race her after all.
I'm gonna breed her.
Definitely more fun for the dog.
Oh, yeah.
This lady's got great bloodlines.
Look at these pedigree papers.
You know, her sire was sir Malcolm of boca raton, and her dam was lady Abigail of palm beach.
Do you realize this dog could be invited to places you can't get into? Right.
Well, I want to be ready as soon as Amanda's in heat.
So I'm off to find a champion blueblood worthy of her hindquarters.
Hi.
What are you doing up? I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about Paris and the louvre and that insane asylum where Van Gogh did so much of his work.
I want to go, Barbara.
I want to go too, but you know we can't get along.
Maybe we can.
What are you saying, the last 26 years were a fluke? No, but there have been times during those years that we've gotten along.
We always seem to come together in a crisis.
Well, this isn't exactly a crisis.
Well, you know, it really is, because if I don't get to Paris, I'm gonna kill you.
Look, all we have to do is just not fight for one measly month.
We can do that.
I don't think so.
If we start to get mad at each other, we'll think about Paris, pleasant thoughts about Paris.
It'll work.
I know it will, and it's just for a month.
What do you say? - Okay.
Deal.
- Deal.
And after the trip, we can go back to hating each other? Of course.
Now, your patient histories are filed here in alphabetical order, and doctors' referrals are programmed into the computer.
My goodness, Laverne.
You've got everything set up so efficiently.
Are there any problems at all? Laverne? Just one.
Doctor, this is miss Clark she'll be fillin' for me next week.
Very nice to meet you, miss Clark.
Nice to meet you, doctor.
I'm sure we'll have a very pleasant week together.
I'll do my best, doctor, sir.
Just where do you think you're goin'? Back to my patient.
He only needed a penicillin shot.
You been in there What's taking so long? Medical things.
Thanks for making me the plane, doctor.
You see, you got to keep an eye on him.
He loves these kids so much, he'd dillydally with 'em all day long if you let him.
Room two, Lucy steiner.
Now, you best get a move on if you want to take lunch off.
Now, move it.
I'll talk to you later, Laverne.
He will if I remind him.
Hi, Laverne.
We came to take daddy to lunch.
Oh, sure.
Come on in.
His daughters: Neurotic and lonely, shallow and broke.
Your daddy told me you decided to give this gettin' along thing another try.
Good luck.
Not a prayer.
So far, we're doing pretty well.
There was one tense moment on the way over here, but I thought about Paris and drove right back around the block to pick her up.
All right, sweetheart.
I'll see you next week, yes? Ah, my two gorgeous daughters.
All right, what do you want to eat for lunch? - Chinese.
- Italian.
I hate Chinese.
Not Italian.
If you won't think of me, at least think of my thighs.
Like Chinese isn't fattening? No, it's not.
Then how do you figure Buddha? Barbara.
Carol, you always pick the restaurant.
Barbara I love Paris in the springtime okay, Chinese.
Unless you want Italian.
No, Chinese is fine.
That's pretty impressive, what just happened here.
See, daddy? I told you, no more bickering.
We're not big buddies yet, but we're working on it.
And as long as there's a Paris, nothing Nothing is going to change that.
- Hi.
- Oh, Dr.
Mitchell.
Uh, Harry, you know, I'm in kind of a bind here.
I've got two tickets for swan lake tonight, and my date canceled.
Would you happen to know anyone who'd like to go? Frere Jacques, frere Jacques dormez-vous? - Frere Jacques - dormez-vous? - frere Jacques - sonnez les matines.
- dormez-vous? - Sonnez les matines.
- dormez-vous? Ding dang dong ding dang dong Todd.
Todd Mitchell.
Pleased to meet you.
Very pleased.
More pleased than she is.
Uh, well, would one of you be free tonight? Daddy, would you occupy Dr.
Mitchell while Barbara and I go check our schedules? Uh, yeah.
Well, sure, yeah.
Um, have I shown you my new otoscope? Uh, no.
Well? Well, maybe we can work this out without fighting.
How? I don't know.
Maybe he could choose.
Or maybe one of us has a better reason to go out with him.
Okay.
What's your reason? He looks neat.
I think we'd have fun.
What's your reason? I love him.
Carol, you don't love him.
I didn't argue with your "looks neat" thing.
He's not worth Paris.
Okay, okay.
We can do this.
And the nostril thing just snaps right on there.
Really.
Uh, well, did I luck out? I'm sorry.
I'm busy tonight.
And you? Barbara.
I'm busy too.
Very busy.
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
I'll see you later, Harry.
Bye, ladies.
Look, is there anything I can say that might make you change your minds? You see, it's my birthday tonight, and, well, you know how it is when you're single and you're still looking for that one special relationship.
The nights get very long.
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, come on.
I'll walk you to the elevator.
I'm very impressed.
Very.
We did it! He wants to have children.
I could see it in his eyes.
Carol, you were right.
You said we could do it, and we did it.
Yes, but I never really believed it.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if, out of this, we not only got a trip to Paris but we actually became friends? Oh, yes, that would be wonderful, Barbara, because after giving up what I just gave up, I'm gonna need a friend.
It's father knows best.
I'm gonna have to start calling you kitten and Princess.
And clean towels are in the storage closet.
And third-floor ladies' room has the best gossip, uh-huh.
Girls, come on.
Let's go to lunch.
Laverne, would you call over and make a reservation at au petit cafe? - Bye.
- Bye, Laverne.
Now I'm gonna show you how to get him back to the office for his afternoon appointments.
Hello, Henri.
Laverne.
Yeah, he's on his way over.
I need him back to the office by 2:00, so just give him the usual excuse.
You know, you're out of dessert and coffee.
Uh-huh.
Merci.
- Carol, let's do your name! - Okay.
Both: Carol, Carol, Bo-barol Banana-fana, fo-farol Me, mi, mo-marol Carol these last few days have been great.
It's been like a nonstop slumber party since you two guys got chummy.
Oh, daddy.
Both: daddy, daddy, Bo-baddy Banana-fana, fo-faddy me, mi, mo-maddy daddy Let's do dreyfuss! Dreyfuss, dreyfuss I think we've taken this about as far as we can go, Barb.
Bo-feyfuss oh, this is so good.
Yeah, this is so delicious I got to get a picture.
There.
So what do you two guys got on tap for today? - Museum.
- And the waterslide.
How do you dress for that? By stopping at the shopping mall on the way over.
Great! - Bye, daddy.
- Bye.
Oh, look at us.
Us, us, Bo-bus Barbara, honey.
Dreyfuss, that was Barbara and Carol.
I guess you didn't recognize them.
Good news, Harry.
The bitch is in heat.
I'll shop for a hallmark card.
I mean it, Harry.
The time is now.
My purebred is ready to be sired.
So what happens now? It's all arranged.
It's all arranged.
Amanda's out there, looking her best.
This champion blueblood is on his way over, sir big Jack of coral gables.
Sounds like royalty.
Yeah, in a little while, there'll be a canine coupling of two purebloods that will make me rich.
Oh, my god.
Wait a minute! Hey, dreyfuss! Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it! Quick, Harry! Where's your garden hose? Too late.
It's over.
Well, don't blame me.
I only taught dreyfuss to play roll over and dead.
No warning, no foreplay, just wham, bam, thank you, Amanda.
I hate you for what you did.
I understand it, but I hate you for it.
Hi.
Got a minute? Oh, we're not gonna play charades again, are we? No.
No, I just have to talk to you.
I was thinking If it's okay with you Is it all right if I back out on going to muppets on ice with you tomorrow? Yeah.
It's just, I read where somebody else is going to be playing Kermit, and I just don't think it'll be the same.
Carol, that's no problem.
That's fine.
But listen, since we're not doing that, would you mind if I skipped that seminar on kafka's love letters? No, no.
Not at all.
I know a manic-depressive at the gym who might enjoy it.
Does that mean the rest of the week is off? No, no, not at all.
Unless you want it to be.
No.
Hello.
Hi.
This isn't a very good time to talk.
Um, can you call me back tomorrow? Okay.
Bye.
Anyway Barbara, who was that on the phone? Nobody.
It was Dr.
Mitchell.
Dr.
Todd Mitchell, the man we gave up to save our friendship, Todd Mitchell? Carol, it's not what you think.
I called him the other day, and I told him that if by some chance, you and I stopped being as close as we are now that maybe he and I could get together.
I am sick.
Carol! That is the most despicable, disloyal, underhanded thing that you have - Your phone is ringing.
- Forget it.
Let it ring.
Carol, hi.
Todd Mitchell returning your call.
Get back to me when you have a chance.
And you have the nerve to call me despicable? Barbara, I can explain that, but I'd really feel better if you'd put the gun away.
If he hadn't have called, you would have gone on and on, because you're a hypocrite.
I am not a hypocrite.
I never made a date with him.
Just did the same thing you did, only probably with a little more finesse.
Then why did he call me first I imagine to explain why he was going to call me.
You wish.
You stupid-head.
I know you are.
But what am I? - You make me sick.
- You make me sicker.
- Child.
- Old maid.
- Barbara.
- What? This is the best I've felt in five days.
Me too.
God, it's a relief to be able to fight again.
And at least we have something good to fight about.
I'm gonna call Dr.
Mitchell.
Kitten? Daddy, no more pictures.
Carol and I have to talk to you.
Last night, we had a big fight, and we're not friends anymore.
And Paris is off.
Let me guess.
Is this about a man? Yes, daddy.
A certain doctor.
Uh-huh, all right.
You want to talk about it? Oh, it's the usual story.
He used us for his own pleasure.
That is the lowest.
He didn't think about our feelings at all.
He just decided what he wanted, and that was it.
Miserable s.
O.
B.
No, he was just being a father.
That's no excuse.
That's Oh, who Uh, what doctor is this conversation circling around? Daddy, you have to understand that Carol and I are two different people, and if we argue, we argue.
As much as we both wanted to go to Paris, daddy, what you asked us to do was unnatural.
It's more important to us to have an honest relationship than to stroll along the champs-elysees, and although we love each other dearly as sisters, the notion of us as close friends is at best antithetical to our individual natures.
Yeah, what she said.
Dreyfuss, for your sake, if Amanda has puppies, I hope they're not girls.
Good morning, miss Clark.
You look all set and ready to go.
Good.
All right, I've had a rather odd week, so I am hoping, with Laverne away, that things around here will be a little more relaxed.
No way.
You got flu in room one, asthma in room two, and a checkup in room three.
Now, hit it.
I said move.
Now!