Evening Shade s01e21 Episode Script

Well, I've been giving some thought to next year's team.
You know, about how we're gonna be losing a lot of seniors, and we're going to have to break in a whole lot of new freshmen.
I think it's not gonna be a problem, though, because I think I've come up with a secret weapon.
Did you break your glasses again? I was wondering how long it was gonna take you to notice.
No, I didn't break them.
I finally took the plunge and got me some contact lenses.
Yeah.
Well, yeah! It still feels like I got plate glass windows installed in my eyes.
It was kind of Margaret's idea.
She thought it would give me a more robust look.
Yeah.
Well, it certainly wouldn't hurt.
Yeah.
Got enough of that in there? Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's sunk.
You know something, though? It's amazing.
It's amazing what a man will do for love.
Yeah.
It's amazing, too, what you can see when you ain't got glasses on.
Like this cheap, shoddy weight-lifting equipment we got, for one thing.
I mean, where'd they ever find this stuff? It must be 100 years old.
It's mine.
See, I I bought it when I was playing for the Steelers.
I didn't realize it was that old.
I'm surprised it works at all.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, check this out.
I'm in pretty good shape since last fall, aren't I? Yeah.
I'm still a lean, mean, assistant coaching machine.
Oh, yeah! Would you like me to put some weight on that? Sure.
Go ahead.
Rack up a few pounds.
See how she can handle it.
What do you want? About 25 pounds? Oh! You're mocking me now.
Come on, now.
I'm your assistant coach.
Throw anything on there you want to.
Okay.
Pumping.
It feels good.
Okay, you ready? Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh, I'm impressed.
You know something, Herman? I I didn't stay that good a shape myself I sort of let myself go, you know? The thing the thing I worry about the most is my stomach.
I could probably have a little a little liposuction or something, you know? And I could be as trim and lean as a Uh Coach? What? Uh Coach, uh you think you could give me a hand here? A little too much weight on her, I think.
Just Just let go.
Oh, yeah, I got you.
Oh, I got ya, I gotcha! Just just take a seat, guys, anywhere.
Oh, hey, guys.
How y'all doing? Yeah, y'all listen up.
Just take a seat over here.
We're gonna We're waiting on the other guys.
Herman, don't lock your legs around my neck.
We'll get started just as soon as they get here.
What we're gonna do today is we just got a few things we need to talk Take a seat anywhere, son.
Be right with you.
Yeah.
So just, you know, kind of kind of take just kind of take yourself a seat.
Pull on in here! This is a team! You can't be afraid of bodily contact! Cheeks to wood! Cheeks to wood! Fronts to back! Pull on in here, I said! Come on! All right.
Coach Newton's got a few words he wants to say to you.
Coach, take it away.
Sorry we're late, Dad.
That's all right.
We'll just wait until the other guys get here.
Okeydoke.
Uh, Dad? Hmm? I don't think anybody else is coming.
There's only four freshmen here.
Yeah, I know.
Uh A lot of the guys said they didn't want to come out for football next year.
Why? Because they're they're getting kind of tired of losing.
You mean they're quitting on us? Yeah.
I guess.
Coach, they're tired of being laughed at all the time.
It's no fun anymore.
It's not supposed to be fun! Football's a game that builds character.
It's not supposed to be fun.
Oh, it's supposed to be fun sometimes.
Well, sometimes, it's a lot of fun.
Yeah.
You see, uh, the thing is, guys, just because you lose a few games, you can't have that kind of attitude.
Yeah.
Or a whole lot of games.
Or a whole lot of games.
The thing is that this is a brand-new season.
You know, we're undefeated.
Yeah.
We haven't played any games yet.
Right.
Uh, I know.
but they still say it's depressing.
Well, they're a bunch of wimps.
Who needs them? No.
We need them.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow, you guys come here at the same time, 9:00.
We'll have a meeting again, and you find anybody you can on campus that's even thought about coming out for football even if they haven't thought about coming out if they like football you know, if they just walk by the football field bring them here! I I want some bodies here tomorrow morning, 9:00.
Okay? All right, you heard the man! Let's go! Let's do some recruiting! All right! Let's go! Remember, they don't have to have played football.
Even if they've seen a movie about football something like The Longest Yard or something like that have them come on in here! What do you think? I think it's the scrawniest-looking bunch of nerds I've ever seen.
Hmm.
Okay, quiet down, guys.
Hey, guys, come on! Pay attention! Come on over! Come on! Pull up here! Uh You know this meeting is about football, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Any questions? What's your name, son? Larry.
Larry, yeah.
What's your question? I just wanted to say that, well, I'm looking forward for the chance to rattle some skulls and and pulverize some intestines.
I'm kind of an animal.
Good.
Because we're not having any success with human beings here.
You sure about this? No.
It's not the size that counts.
You know, they gotta have heart, is what I hope they got a whole lot of heart.
Right.
Okay.
Boys, I I can look out and and see right here that we've got what has made the Evening Shade football program what it is today.
Uh, you know, we have a pretty proud tradition here, a tradition of Coach, don't we always lose? That's not the tradition I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the tradition of pride.
I'm talking about when you line up, and you look across that ball, and you see a guy staring at you, you have got to get an aggressive an aggressive bulldog attitude! You've got to try to punch Hey! Hey! Don't play chess when I'm talking to you, okay? Sorry.
Sorry.
It's all right.
Okay.
Has anybody here, uh Has anybody here played any organized sports, other than the lettermen? Uh, does chess count? Only in Russia.
Anybody here played any organized? Nobody.
Nobody here has ever played any organized sport, but that's good because, you know Oh, it's good.
It's like a whole fresh You know, we don't have to break any bad habits.
They'll be clay in our fingers.
That's right.
Like that.
Any questions? Yes? What's your name? Jeff.
Jeff.
What's your question, Jeff? When practice starts, will we have to be here all the time? Uh Jeff, is it? Jeff, commitment to a daily practice routine is a part of any organized sport.
I'm afraid, if I have to be here all the time, my girlfriend's going to dump me.
You're afraid of your girlfriend? I'll handle this one, Coach.
Boys, come on over.
Gather around for a sec.
Come on.
Gather around over here.
Now, this is not general knowledge, but lately I've been seeing this woman.
Now, for discretion's sake, I can't tell you her name.
But I can tell you she's a major fox.
Yeah! Now, she wouldn't give me two words before I became an assistant coach.
But, now, she can't keep her hands off me.
I'm telling you! There's something about the game of football turns an ordinary little man like me into a chick magnet.
You catch my meaning? All right! Okay, boys, the thing to remember is that this is not an official spring practice.
We're trying to introduce you to the concept of Exercise.
Yes.
It would be very good for you, actually.
Maybe we could find out Whoo! Hi.
Uh, can I help you find somebody? Uh Kind of.
Well, look, if we can help you find somebody, why don't you all just kind of step off over to the side over here? This is a football meeting.
That's why we're here.
I'm Yvette.
I'm Yvonne.
We're sisters.
We're sisters.
We heard you said that if anybody ever thought about coming out for the team, this was their chance.
You want to come out for football? Par pardon me, ladies, but this is this is a boys' football team.
Where the heck y'all think y'all gonna fit in around here? Outside linebacker, especially in a nickel package.
I'd like to play offense, but I don't run quite as fast as Yvonne.
I'd like to play a slot back, or even a wide-out if you put in a pro-set.
Put in a pro-set.
Uh Coach, you want to take this one? Well, Yvonne, Yvette, you see, football is You know, it's mostly a ma How fast do you run the 40? Four-four.
Four-four? Four-four? Good Lord, Coach, we don't have anybody here that could do four-four in a Corvette.
40-yard dash in 4.
4 seconds.
That's unbelievable.
I know.
Our guys run the 40-yard dash, they have to take an overnight bag.
Woodrow! Hmm? Say it isn't true.
Huh? Are you really going to let girls come out for the team? I haven't made up my mind yet, Harlan.
Look, Dr.
Elldridge, it's a real sensitive subject.
It says right here in the manual, "If you don't have a girls' team, you've got to let the girls play with the boys.
" Uh-huh.
Well, you can't do that.
It's unnatural.
Men play football, and women don't.
It's a hallmark of civilization.
It's part of what separates us from those Third World countries.
Well, I'm glad to see you haven't blown it out of proportion.
Now, think about it.
You know how those football players always slap each other on the backside after a good play? Yes.
Well, they won't be able to do that anymore with the girls on the team.
They'll be afraid of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit.
I need to think about it, Harlan.
I'll get back to you, okay? You'd better think fast.
I already heard a couple of school board members saying that, if the girls stay, you go.
Look, they don't need an excuse to fire me.
I haven't won a game in two-and-a-half years.
They can't fire the coach anyway.
Coach Newton's an institution.
So is the Statue of Liberty, but they still slap a new coat of paint on her every once in a while.
Well, I hope they don't expect me to jump in here and take over when they dump the coach.
They don't.
Oh, hey, Ms.
Elldridge.
Hi.
Oh, Wood Uh-huh? Could I show you a couple of sketches? Well, I mean, since you're thinking of having girls on your team, I thought that, well, they'll probably need uniforms.
No.
We we've got uniforms, Merleen.
Oh, but, Wood, girls have, you know, bosoms.
I've heard that.
Well well now, these are just real pr-preliminary, but but, now, see? Look.
This this one has a padded upper torso panel, and a little Peter Pan collar to give it a slightly softer look.
And and this little pleated skirt will just fit right over these little capri pants that the players usually wear.
What do you think? I don't think it's too early to have a beer, do you? Yeah.
Could I have a beer, Virgil? Hey, Huh? um, are you all gonna change the school colors to lavender and mauve? No! Coach, you got to help me out here.
It's been hard enough keeping my chin up through this losing streak, but girls on the football team? It's gonna put me in therapy.
I wouldn't want that to happen, Virgil.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you, Coach.
Hey, Coach.
Hi, Nub.
Is it true you're gonna let girls play on the football team? I haven't decided yet.
Well, I think you should.
You know, sometimes people need to break out of their traditional roles in order to find self-fulfillment.
That's very good.
I-I Thank you, Nub.
Of course, it'll make you the laughingstock of the entire state of Arkansas.
And if CNN picks up on it, they'll be laughing at you in foreign languages you never even heard of.
Push her back.
Push her back.
Way back.
Push her back.
You gotta trust me on this, Woodrow.
There's morally and ethically only one thing you can do here: and that's ridicule those girls till they quit the team.
You're a sick man, Harlan.
What'd I say? Look, Coach, you don't have to listen to anything that these people are telling you.
These are civilians.
You are football in Evening Shade.
You gotta make a decision.
You gotta stick to it.
Bow to no man.
Bow to no man.
Wood Newton? Yeah? I hired you to do one thing and that's to win football games.
Now I've been lenient so far.
But if you put those girls on the team and you still lose, I'm gonna have to find myself a new coach.
Well, better do what she says.
She's the boss.
And don't you go trying to butter me up, Mr.
Stiles.
You're in deep enough as it is.
What'd I do, woman? I thought you were gonna stop by my house.
I am.
Well, you're ten minutes late.
Well, I'm on my way.
What, am I on a meter or something? Next time, I'll bring a tardy slip with me.
Don't you think I got better things to do than to sit around all afternoon waiting hours on you? Hour? I thought you said ten You know something? You're obsessed with the clock.
I refuse to listen to this.
Wood Newton, I expect you to do whatever's necessary to turn the Mules back into a normal football team.
Too late for that, Margaret.
Then tell it to the school board.
What happened to your glasses? What do you mean, what happened to my glasses? I took your advice and I got myself some contact lenses.
Well, it was a good decision.
It makes him look a little bit like Kevin Costner, don't you think? No, I think more like Yosemite Sam.
Why are you people babbling about clocks and contact lenses and cartoon characters? The world's coming apart at the seams here.
The very fabric of our society is being threatened, and you two are playing footsie! Hey I don't play footsie, Dr.
Elldridge.
And if I wanted to, it'd be none of your business.
I just love it when she gets her blood up like that.
She looks like Princess Di.
Are you coming?! What are you yelling at me for?! Well, you're the one that started all this by being late.
Look, I'm telling you, this time thing is gonna be a problem.
It makes you look younger.
You think so? Mm-hmm.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, are you okay? Oh, sure.
You sounded a little down on the phone.
No, no.
It was just, you know, a couple girls came out for football, and we haven't worked it out yet.
Really? Oh, that's so exciting.
My! I mean it's different, but it's exciting, don't you think? Oh, it's exciting.
They may fire me.
Oh, come on.
They're not gonna do that.
Wait a minute.
You don't want them to be on the team? No, I didn't say that.
I just, I don't want them to get hurt, you know.
Come on.
Boys can get hurt, too, right? No, no.
Boys grow up understanding about football, you know.
Part of the game is, you know, getting hurt.
A girl would have to be pretty stupid not to know that she could get hurt, too.
Are you saying that are you saying that girls aren't as smart as guys? Isn't that illegal for-for lawyers to argue with regular people? You know, if I didn't know you any better, I'd say that you sound like a male chauvinist.
See, that's the trouble with this country.
People are afraid to be chauvinists anymore.
They don't want to stand up for what's right.
If our forefathers hadn't been a little chauvinistic, we'd all be British.
No, I can't sell you the movie rights.
I don't own the movie rights.
"Fullbacks in Push-Up Bras" is a stupid title.
If this guy calls back, I'm gonna throw this through the window.
Sugar Othello says that when she gets to high school, she wants to play football, too.
Good, honey.
I can hardly wait.
How come you never let girls play before? They never ask.
But it's okay with you if they do? Hey, it's a free country.
Can I have a pet rat? No.
It doesn't seem like a very free country to me.
I don't think you want the girls to play.
No, that's not true, honey.
I, I don't want the girls to get hurt.
That doesn't matter! Women have a higher threshold for pain than men do! Now wait a minute.
Wait.
Let's just talk about that, okay? Because Honey, let's Honey, don't Let's come back and talk to me about that.
You know, those girls didn't realize what they'd stirred up here, you know? The only reason you're all stirred up is because your collective male ego is threatened.
Oh, that's right.
Make sex the issue here.
All right.
So, then what is the issue? Well, it's very simple.
I mean the issue is, I mean, if you had a If there was a tall guy here and a short guy here, and you had to get something off the shelf Wait, wait.
Wait, uh why do they have to be guys? What? I'm making a point.
Oh, okay.
There's a tall orangutan here and a short orangutan, okay? You gotta get something off the top shelf.
You tell the tall orangutan to go and get it 'cause the short orangutan can't reach it.
Or you tell the short orangutan to pull up a chair and stand on it.
You could do that.
What is your point? My point is that you you male ego types, you know, you all get so upset anytime a woman tries to do what you do.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
When you say "male," when you say "male," are you saying "Wood," like Wood, me, or are you saying "male" like in, like in, you know like a male, like the man? I'm talking about you, as a male named Wood.
I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? I'm really confused.
Honey, there's a much bigger issue at stake here than just taking a little good-natured teasing.
Remember that speech you made at Ponder's, you know? You said that I could do the job that any man could do for prosecuting attorney? Mm-hmm.
Well, you weren't just standing up for me.
You were standing up for all women.
You gonna remember that stupid speech forever? Yes, I am.
Because I don't think the guy who made that speech could possibly keep someone from playing football just because she happens to be a woman, especially if she happens to be a woman who can run a 4.
4, and your record is 0 and 23.
When he gets here now, fellas, don't crowd him, okay? Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Coach, over here.
Do you really believe women are inferior to men and shouldn't be allowed to play football? Hey, look, what did I tell you about touching him? Now look, he gets crazy when people invade his space.
This is a press conference.
It's not a feeding frenzy.
A press conference? What, what are you talking about? Well, I had to do something.
When I got here they were circling around outside like vultures over a road kill.
Get 'em out of here.
Coach, do I have to remind you what happened the last time you tried to duck out of a press conference? Phyllis George came after you with a champagne bottle.
Look, I can't do this now, Herman.
Look, it's easy.
Just follow my lead, okay? Just step over here to the podium.
No, I don't What podium? Where's my desk? The podium right here.
Fellas, Coach Newton's gonna say just a couple of words to you here.
But remember now, we got a few ground rules that we want to establish and we want you to follow.
First of all, we believe in freedom of the press, but there are certain areas of a man's life that just cannot be delved into.
Therefore, we will not be taking any questions about the strain this has caused on his marriage or the fact that he maybe gonna lose his job over the whole incident.
And also, whenever a man breaks out in hives, it's no indication that he's nervous.
I happen to know for a fact that every time President Jimmy Carter went into a press conference, he blew up big as a balloon.
It's best to start out with a joke.
Coach Newton, Bill Downey from Channel Two.
Uh, we don't want to give you a hard time.
We'd just like to get your reaction on having girls on your team.
Ok Okay, Bill, I'll take a couple of questions.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
You ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Is it true you said the Prewitt sisters had better stick to Home Ec where they belong? No, I never said that.
Then is it true you recruited these girls as a publicity stunt? No, I don't need publicity here.
We haven't won a game in two-and-a-half years.
We don't need publicity.
We have reports that you told your players to harass the girls until they quit.
Oh, come on, Bill.
You come over here from Little Rock.
You don't even know me.
You're trying to get some flashy headlines.
This is a small town.
Nice Hey, is that Neil Hecht back there? Neil Hecht, you went, you went to school here.
He's a He's a fine young man.
I, I coached him in football, and he's now a journalist, isn't he? Oh, a fine journalist.
Okay, I'll take a question from Neil Hecht, that's all.
One question.
Yes, sir.
Coach Newton, you enjoyed a lot of success as a professional player.
I think I know where you're going with this, Neil.
Do you often feel like a has-been whose best years are behind him? You always were a snot-nosed little kid, you I'm out of here.
Fellas, fellas! All right, knock it off.
Take a seat.
Come on over, fellas.
Come on! Let's move your butts! Let's get over here quick.
The coach has got a few things he wants to say to you.
You fellas take a knee over here.
All right, Coach Newton, it's all yours.
All right, listen up.
From now on, Yvonne and Yvette are on the football team.
What? Come on, Dad! What are you thinking? I know I didn't like it any more than you do, but, uh you know I, I thought we were being the laughingstock of the state, but we already are the laughingstock of the state, so we might as well do it for a good cause.
This is not about women and men.
This is about change, about people getting a chance to do what they do best.
These two deserve a chance like that.
So if they beat you guys out and, uh you find yourself sitting on the bench, you just watch 'em run.
If you don't like it, then work that much harder and you can take your position back.
We may not win any games this this fall, but this spring we're gonna do the right thing.
Now listen to me.
If one of you guys wants to quit, just remember something.
We're not quitters.
We're losers, but we're not quitters.
So, uh, take a look at these two, Yvonne and Yvette.
And, uh these are not girls.
These are Mules.
I'm sorry.
You know what I mean.
We're all Mules here, right? And, uh We're Mules, right?! Mules! Just, just remember this, guys we're, we're gonna We're gonna take a lot of abuse for this, but that's okay, because we're number one in the world at taking it.
Right? We're number one! We're number one! We're number one! We're number one! We're number one! We're number one You really know how to fire 'em up, Coach.
Yeah.
You really think we can win a game next season? Not a chance.
Wood Newton had many opportunities to show his courage on a football field, but he thought they ended with his playing days.
It just goes to show that the more things change, the more they stay the same in a place called Evening Shade.