Everybody Loves Raymond s01e21 Episode Script

- There you go.
- Thanks.
- Ray Barone.
- Desmond Howard.
Hi.
- Thanks for the interview.
- Well.
Congratulations on that Super BowI MVP thing.
Thanks.
I saw your article about it.
Thought it was great.
- I wish you were my boss.
- What? He didn't like it? - Yeah.
- How did you hand it in? - I gave it to him.
- That's it? When you do a good job you've got to let them know.
When I do my job well I let everybody know.
I slow down at the 5-yard line I start doing a little robot spike the ball.
Everybody's in the crowd feeling it.
- That's showboating.
- No man that's sharing the moment.
That's letting people know you've got something speciaI.
Now I'm your boss.
Give me your article.
Mean it this time.
- What do you mean? - I mean show me what you've got.
- I didn't come with much really.
- Ray show me something.
Maybe you should just hand it in with a smile.
Hi I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Miss me? I'm not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you either.
It's just that sometimes I feeI like there's not enough time.
Yeah you're right as always.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Okay bye.
Who was that? It'sjust that sometimes I feel like there's not enough time.
You're on the radio? Your husband's not a mind-reader, Debra.
- Husband? - Tell him what you need.
- Need? - Thank you for being so understanding.
Thank you forjoining me today on It's Your Problem.
I'm Dr.
Nora Sarasin.
Good night.
And remember, you've got no one to blame but yourself Hi honey.
You're talking about me to some radio shrink? She's one of the most respected psychotherapists in the country.
I was lucky to get through.
- What did you say to her? - I called because some other caller was saying how she didn't feeI appreciated.
Some hooker from Dallas.
Wait a minute.
So you don't feeI appreciated? It's just that we don't get to spend a lot of time together and Dr.
Nora says that can lead to feeling unappreciated.
What the hell is she talking about? I appreciate you.
- By the way thanks for everything.
- Yeah.
Hello? - Yeah she's right here.
It's Dr.
Nora.
- Shut up.
Hello? Ray it's Dr.
Nora.
Hi there.
You have to do that now? Stop that.
Oh really? Wow£¡That would be terrific.
Oh my God.
I am so flattered.
When would that be? Yeah.
I think that would be fine.
No listen.
It's great talking to you 'cause I've been listening to you for years.
And yes.
Okay well thank you so much.
Okay take care.
Bye.
Stop it.
Do you know what that was? A magicaI illusion.
Dr.
Nora is coming here.
She's coming here.
What? Get out of here.
Why here? She wants to interview me for a book she's doing on the American family.
- Why you? - Because she says I'm part of a vanishing breed£º the housewife.
I called you that and you made me sit in the garage.
God I can't believe she's coming here.
Now listen.
She means a lot to me so you can't be doing all this stuff okay? You got to look like someone I would be with.
I'm not going to be with you tomorrow 'cause I'm going golfing.
You have to be here Ray.
The book's about families.
She loves to ask really tough questions so we got to get our story straight.
Story straight? What'd we do knock over a 7-Eleven? Okay that's exactly the kind of thing that is going to kill us£º your sense of ¡°humor.
¡± In sports, the International Basketball League was busy last night - What are you doing? - Turning off the TV.
In fact we should move the TV.
I don't want Dr.
Nora to think this is the focaI point of our living room.
It's the focaI point of our lives.
Ray just move this into the den okay? Oh my God that's her.
- I'll get it.
- No I'll get it.
- Ray please.
All right? - Please what? Just please.
- Hello.
Debra? - Hi.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Come on in.
This is unbelievable.
Ray this is Dr.
Sarasin.
There's no reason to be so formaI.
Call me Dr.
Nora.
Dr.
Nora.
You have a lovely home.
Thanks.
Well we're going to repaint this room.
Too many bad memories here.
These are our two boys Geoffrey and MichaeI.
- What adorable twins.
- Thank you.
It is good you dress them differently.
Of course because they're two different people with different personalities.
And this is my daughter Ally.
Hello£¡What are you drawing there Ally? Naked Barbie.
Honey why don't we draw Barbie building something? She could still be naked.
Can you go soon? - Sweetie it's nap time now.
- You want me to get them up? No I'll get them.
I love caring for the children.
So fulfilling.
Okay come on Ally let's go.
I'll read you a story okay? I'll be just a minute all right? And Ray don't - Don't what? - Just don't.
So Ray what's it like having three children under the age of five? Well I like to tell people it's kind of like a frat house.
Nobody sleeps everything's broken and there's a lot of throwing up.
Can I quote you? - You like that? - Yeah I do.
Get back in that crib now.
Said the mama bear to the three little bears.
She tells great stories Debra.
Ray there's a big black car parked in your driveway.
Yeah Deb's got some company all right? You know who drives big black cars? The Feds.
It's my car.
I'm here to see Debra.
Wait a minute.
Say something else.
Hello I'm Dr.
Nora.
That voice.
Are you Dr.
Nora? That's me.
I can't tell you what a huge fan I am of yours£¡ You taught me to express myself.
Thanks a bunch lady.
These are the kind of parents that keep you in business.
- We live right across the street.
- Really? How are you fixed for pie Ray? - I take it the boundaries are rather informaI.
- They're rather invisible.
You and I have a lot in common.
Ma Dr.
Nora's got time to write you one prescription and then you got to go.
I am so glad that Debra's seeing someone.
Just between us what's wrong with her? So you're a radio doctor? You wouldn't think you'd have to be on the radio with that figure.
Frank£¡ It's a compliment.
Yeah he used to write for Hallmark.
You still don't know how to behave do you? - Leave me alone.
I'm talking.
- You're not talking you're embarrassing.
You always do that to me like with Lee and Stan in the restaurant.
I'm not listening anymore Now you're gonna start singing.
He does that to try to drown me out.
How'd you like it if I sing? Frank Barone, will you shut up? - You can talk all night, you can talk all day - Frank Barone, will you shut up? Okay guys.
Dad stop it.
Mom£¡ Look company.
Ray come here.
Dr.
Nora is here to talk to me not to Peaches & Herb.
- I'm going to get rid of them.
- Please.
Don't call my mother ¡°Herb.
¡± Robert I want you to meet Dr.
Nora the famous psychologist from the radio.
Hello.
Is this about me? Actually it's not about any of you.
Dr.
Nora is here to talk to me.
- So thanks for visiting- - Debra I would love if they stay.
I think they'd add an interesting dimension to the piece.
Hey chips.
You hear that? We're interesting.
And your husband is very funny.
She's going to quote me.
Well you know that's why I married him Dr.
Nora for his sense of humor.
You see we met when I was doing PR for a hockey team and I know what you're going to say ¡°Oh a woman in hockey.
¡± But actually it wasn't as Well but I am not sure if that's the kind of information you're looking for.
Would you like me to get right to our sex life? Excuse me are you very nervous right now or do you do that all the time? Do what? All right I am no expert in body language but stop yelling.
Dr.
Nora was supposed to be here for me not your family and by the end she didn't even know I was in the room.
I am sure she did.
Who do you think was bringing her all that pie? Of course she was interested in them.
Some shrinks got to go to 40 institutions to find all the action she found in that room.
Yeah she was pretty interested in you too.
Even me.
Little bit.
I think she was very impressed with my weekly underwear schedule.
Yeah eight years.
Eight years you made fun of me.
Come on.
Dr.
Nora thought I was boring.
You're not boring you're normaI.
That's good.
Growing up in my family I prayed for normaI every night.
Then I'd fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes.
There was Fat Tony Jimmy the WeaseI Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad.
Ray I was so excited that Dr.
Nora was coming here but there's no way I could follow the dysfunctionaI family circus.
You should have went on before them.
Maybe if you'd been yourself Dr.
Nora would've been more interested.
- What did you go put on a big act for? - Because I am boring.
There's you know nothing about me that's you know like quirky or funny or interesting.
What are you doing? There's a little left in there.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
See that's exactly my problem.
I don't do that.
- Do what? - Lick the bowI£¡ I mean that's the kind of great weird stuff you freaking guys do all the time.
What do you mean? This? You could do this.
Come on.
Come to the dark side.
Lick the bowI.
¡°I won't hurt you.
I'm just a bowI that's all.
¡± All right we'll work on it.
Look Ray just tell me something okay.
Do you think that I'm boring? Thank you very much for your answer Ray.
Come on I didn't say anything.
Come on Deb.
Ally want some chocolate milk? Ally how did you think of that? It's easy.
Guess you just have to be a blood relative.
- Hello dear.
- Hi.
- What's for dinner? - It's turkey dogs.
Turkey dogs? What an interesting choice.
I have them every week.
That's totally insane.
What? What he means is you've got some imagination there Debra.
- Where are you going honey? - Can I be excused? - Well you didn't finish your hot dog.
- It tastes like chocolate milk.
Okay.
Isn't she marvelous with the kids? So offbeat? - So Debra hi.
- Hi.
Oh look you're wearing slippers and socks at the same time.
That is so unique and different.
Okay.
All right you can all stop now.
I get it.
Stop what? Trying to make me feeI like I'm interesting.
It's a very nice effort but it's a little transparent.
What's she talking about? - See? That's that imagination again.
- All right already.
- Hey honey.
What's up? - Guess what Ray? Your family came over to convince me that I am fascinating.
What do you mean? All at once? Not one at a time which would be the smart subtle way? You know when you're feeling really bad about yourself there's nothing to make you feeI better than being patronized.
Thank you Ray.
You're welcome.
What did you do? We tried to do what you said but she didn't give us much to work with.
Socks and slippers.
Okay I'm very boring.
Yes I know.
I'm very boring okay? We can all agree.
Oh honey I would never call you boring.
- You just lack a certain - Flair£¡ Flair? Like all of you have? Well your Dr.
Nora seems to think so.
Yeah she's sending a photographer over to take our picture.
All right stop helping now.
Thanks.
No that's okay.
They're right.
I'm not interesting.
I don't have ¡°flair.
¡± I mean maybe I would have flair if I barged into people's houses What's that dear? Frosting in a can? ¡°So much easier than homemade.
¡± Yeah or what about£º ¡°I saw something questionable in the refrigerator.
It's gotten worse.
¡± She's doing you.
Maybe this is more interesting.
¡°How are you fixed for pie sweetheart?¡± Take it easy huh? Stop it.
I'm not listening anymore She's very good.
She's good.
She's very good.
Very interesting too that's all.
How about this for some fascinating behavior? Never ends for Raymond.
- ¡°You're a lucky man Raymond.
¡± - All right stop it.
¡°No.
Everybody loves Raymond.
¡± Do me now.
- Got the aspirin.
- Thanks.
- Feeling better? - Like I popped something.
Don't worry though.
I'll go over in the morning and apologize.
You can go over there but don't apologize just do the act again.
They loved you.
You were afraid you were boring.
Yeah but I mean that wasn't me Ray that was them.
Nothing funny about me to imitate you know? What are you talking about? Here I'll do you£º ¡°Ray get off of me.
It's not your birthday.
¡± I'm kidding all right? You don't say that exactly.
You don't know what it's like to go through your whole life just normaI.
You don't get it.
You've got to be normaI.
I mean look at all of us.
We need a normaI one.
God that's true.
That's why I married you.
You know what? You are weird.
- You're just saying that to be nice.
- No.
Listen.
Why would any normaI person put up with us for as long as you have? - I don't know.
- That's right.
I was born into this family.
I'm stuck with them.
But what kind of weirdo would choose to be one of us? There's something wrong with you.
You really think so? You think something's wrong with me? Of course look at you.
How could you explain this? Yeah I think you're right.
I'm really weird.
You're weird.
You're a sick twisted individuaI.
Really twisted yeah.
- Give yourself some credit.
- Yeah.
You know you imitated everybody today except me.
- I can't do you.
- Come on.
- No I can't.
- Go ahead.
Give it a try.
Oh no£¡ There's something wrong with the shower.
Get out of here.
¡°My rash is back.
¡± You know it isn't funny if it hurts the other person.