Family Matters s01e21 Episode Script

I hate my school picture this year.
My hair looks funny, my dress is ugly and I'm smiling like a goon.
Yeah, that's you.
Hi, Laura, my little photogenic fox.
It's that time of year again.
The day everybody exchanges their school pictures.
Sorry, I don't think I can spare one, Steve.
I only have 144.
Oh, I understand.
I'll just stick around and stare at the real thing.
Here, take two.
And don't bother me next year.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've got yours outside.
Is it just me or do I get better looking every year? It's just you.
Here you go, my sweet.
It's gonna be hard getting that into my wallet.
Hi, Carl.
Oh, no.
There's two of them.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
How was your day? Rough.
I just spent two hours talking a guy off a ledge then found out he was a window washer.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Why are you so upset? It's just a stupid video game.
Stupid video game? Now, what's the problem here? I don't have a problem.
I just got the highest score ever at "Space Invaders.
" Oh, sure, rub it in.
Well, I guess we know now who used to have the highest score.
I don't think girls should be allowed to play video games, period.
They should stick to cheerleading, where they belong.
Eddie, that is the most chauvinistic thing I've ever heard you say.
I'll straighten him out, honey.
Come on, son, we need to have a little talk.
Step into my office, please.
What's wrong? Well, son, I don't think you're upset because you were beaten.
I think you're upset because you were beaten by a girl.
Well, yeah.
Son, this is the '90s, the age of the enlightened man.
We're no longer threatened by women who are smarter or make more money or who beat us at sports.
- We're not? - No.
Son, today's man is compassionate and sensitive and only wants to live in peace and harmony with today's female.
A real man is a man who is able to admit defeat.
I want you to go back in there and you tell your sister that you're happy for her.
All right.
Go ahead, son.
Laura.
Um I'm sorry I was such a sore loser.
You beat me fair and square and you deserve to be the champ.
Thanks.
And, Eddie, I didn't beat you, I crushed you.
Edward.
You're right.
Laura, it's the '90s and I'm an enlightened man and I only wanna live in peace and harmony with you.
Congratulations on your victory.
Wow, you left here with Eddie Winslow and returned with Alan Alda.
Bye, Ted.
Bye, Lowell.
You guys have great form.
Rachel, will you forget about picking up those two guys and pick up that spare? I can do both, you know.
- Yes! Yes.
- Whoo! Yes, yes, yes.
Snack time.
Did you guys want something? Well, you know, bowling was a great idea.
I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week.
Hi, everybody.
I just thought of a reason.
- Steve, what are you doing here? - I come here three or four times a week.
- Oh, sort of like a second home.
- Oh, no, Carl.
That would be your place.
Dad, it's your turn.
Go get them.
- Go ahead, Carl.
- No, after you.
- No, I insist.
- No, please.
Oh, no, really, I couldn't.
Etiquette demands deference to the bowler on the left unless, of course, it's a league situation - Just bowl.
Thank you.
Would you throw the ball! Surely.
A little high in the pocket.
Fortunately, I got good pin action.
I'll give you some pin action.
Darn, I was robbed.
That should have been a strike.
Well, not really, Carl.
Your push off was late and you short-armed that follow-through.
Of course, nine out of 10 is very good.
Listen, Carl, this is an easy spare to pick up.
No problem.
Can't miss.
Oops.
Guess you can.
Well, not a great finish.
But we still win.
Not yet, Carl.
If Harriette throws three strikes in a row, she beats you by one pin.
You hear that, Mom? You can still win.
Are you kidding? Mom could never beat Dad.
Eddie, never say never.
That's right.
Never.
Get up there, honey.
Show them.
My sister, she can bowl.
- Go ahead, show them.
- Time out, sister.
You can - Whoo! - She's good, Carl.
Two more of those and you're history.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Whoa, that's two, Carl.
Hanging by a thread.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
She did it, Carl.
She beat you.
You took the gas.
You went belly up.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with second place.
Harriette, I want a rematch.
Mm-hm.
So does Mike Tyson.
Come on, let's go home.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! We're not going anywhere.
I'm serious.
I want a rematch.
You just got lucky.
I want a rematch and I want it now.
The winner and still champion, Carl Otis Winslow.
I can't believe that man.
Harriette, just be glad Carl won the rematch or we'd still be at the bowling alley.
I hate bowling.
It's a stupid sport.
You got that right.
Throwing an ugly 10-pound ball at a bunch of ugly sticks while you're wearing ugly shoes.
It's an ugly sport.
It's a great sport.
And do you know why? Because it's a man's sport.
They make the ball heavy so women will know to leave it alone.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Excuse me, mister.
- I think you don't know Hey, hey, hey.
It's late and I don't wanna hear any more fighting.
Go upstairs and go to bed.
- He started it.
- How did I start it? By being born first.
You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.
Boy, five hours at a bowling alley.
That's the most time I ever spent in rented shoes.
I hope Carl got all that gloating out of his system.
Ladies and gentlemen, as the winner of the bowling rematch I hereby declare this an official Carl Winslow holiday.
Looks like there's still a couple of gloats left.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go check on Richie.
What's wrong with her? I thought we all had fun tonight.
Carl, no one had fun tonight but you.
Now, Harriette.
I am surprised at you.
I thought you were a better loser than this.
You won the rematch, okay? Case closed.
Now, come on, Harriette.
I think we need to talk about this now because I don't want you to feel bad just because I'm the better bowler.
- Okay, I don't feel bad.
- Good.
Because I'd really feel bad about being the better bowler if it made you feel bad.
Give me a break.
Harriette, come on.
I think you'll feel a lot better if you just came right out and said it.
That I'm the better bowler.
That I'm a better bowler than you.
Don't push me, Carl.
Harriette, the foundation of a good marriage is truth.
And as husband and wife, I think that you and I need to just face that truth together.
So come on, let's just face that truth, Harriette.
Here we go now.
Just say: "My husband, Carl, is a better bowler.
" Okay, that did it.
You wanna face some truth, Carl? How about this truth? The only reason you won that rematch tonight was because I let you win.
You don't really expect me to believe that.
Yeah, and it's not the first time I did it either.
I've been letting you win at bowling ever since before we were married.
Well, Richie's fine.
- Hey, Rachel, you want a good laugh? - Sure.
Your sister claims that she let me win the rematch.
I knew it.
I knew you were holding back.
See? What did I tell you? Oh, sure.
She's your sister.
Of course she's gonna support this silly notion that you're a better bowler than me.
Carl, I'm warning you.
I mean, it's a simple fact of nature.
Men are better bowlers than women.
What kind of male chauvinist garbage is that? Now, Rachel, I'm not saying that men are better at everything.
But, hey, we're talking bowling here.
And bowling is primarily a man thing.
Okay.
That did it.
We're going bowling.
Men against the women.
Tonight.
Right now.
One game.
- Now you're gonna be sorry.
- Come on.
- She's decided - Hey.
- She's dangerous.
She's dangerous.
- Good night, guys.
What are you doing with your pajamas on? You told me to go to bed.
Well, get dressed, get your brother.
We're going bowling.
That's right.
We're gonna whoop their You two tell me, I don't Okay.
A strike, ladies.
I guess that puts the men in the lead again.
Enjoy it while you can.
- Mm-hm.
- Go ahead, honey.
You won't be leading for long.
Eddie, you did that on purpose.
Did what? - I'm gonna get you for this, Eddie.
- Oh, really? I'm shaking.
You better be.
Because it won't be today and it won't be tomorrow.
But someday, when you're least expecting it you're gonna wake up with some hair missing.
It's all right, Laura.
We'll catch up to them.
Uh-oh.
Steve bowls next.
Look, if he makes another strike, we are in real trouble.
Don't worry about a thing.
I'll handle him.
Hi, Steve.
Hi, Laura.
You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Really? Yeah.
And I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Thank you.
My, what strong arms.
Steve? What's the matter? Steve? She touched me, Carl.
I can't breathe.
All the pins look like Laura.
Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
Get ahold of yourself, boy.
Get ahold of yourself.
Here.
Here.
We need a strike, Steve.
Breathe into your bowling bag.
Breathe, bend over, boy, that's it.
Come on.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm okay.
Okay.
Think strike, boy.
Think strike.
There goes your secret weapon.
Well, champ, this is it.
The last ball of the last frame.
It's all up to you.
Yeah, Carl.
If you bowl a strike, you'll be a hero.
But if you don't, you'll be a bum, a loser, a goat, a choke artist Thank you, Steve.
That's enough encouragement.
Good luck.
Let's go, Carl, you're holding up the game.
Yeah.
We just wanna claim our victory and get out of here.
Not so fast.
I feel a strike coming on.
Come on, Carl.
One strike.
Strike, strike, strike.
Strike, strike, strike.
- Strike, strike, strike.
- Choke, choke, choke.
- Strike, strike, strike.
- Choke, choke, choke.
- Hey, what happened? - It was a strike.
I distinctly heard 10 pins fall.
- Ten? No way! - Hey, you know Oh, you should only throw one.
I am telling you it was a strike.
I'm telling you no way.
We'll get a flashlight, go back to the bowling alley and check for ourselves.
- We won.
You lost.
Face it.
Face it like a man.
Your wife beat the pants off you.
- Oh, you face it like a woman.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- You don't know anything about it.
Keep it down.
People are trying to sleep.
I'm sorry, Mama.
But we were discussing who won the bowling match.
The men or the women.
- Well? - We don't know.
The power went off before we could find out.
The whole place went pitch-black before Carl's ball missed the strike they needed.
Missed? That ball was right in the pocket.
- Hey.
- Hush up.
Hush up.
Hush up! All of you.
It wasn't the storm that knocked out the power.
It was the good Lord trying to show you how silly you were being.
Who's better in bowling, men or women? I never heard anything so ridiculous.
You're grown-ups acting like children.
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Now, I want this settled now.
And do it quietly.
I've got a 6 a.
m.
Karate class.
We are acting like children.
Hey, some of us are children.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Now, what happened to us? I mean, this started out as a fun family outing and ended up as war of the Winslows.
Grandma's right.
This competition stuff is stupid.
You're right, Eddie.
I'm going to bed.
Me too.
Race you upstairs.
Boy, what a night, huh? Broke three nails, got a blister on my thumb and I probably caught pneumonia.
But other than that, I had a great time.
Good night.
You know, Harriette it was dark.
Maybe I didn't knock down all the pins.
So you're saying the women won? Well, let's just call it a tie.
I'll accept a tie.
And the next time I'm better than you at something, I'll just keep it to myself.
Fine.
No, it's not fine.
Harriette, why should you have to do less than your best just to protect my male ego? - You mean that? - Yes.
And, sweetheart, I am sorry for acting like a male chauvinist sometimes.
That's all right, honey.
You don't do it very often.
In fact, someday soon, you're gonna be that enlightened man you told Eddie to be.
Well, I promise I'll keep trying.
- That's the spirit.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
My shoulder.
I think I pulled a muscle throwing that last strike.
It wasn't a strike.
Harriette, if you can get this kink out of my shoulder, you can call it anything you like.