Glee s01e21 Episode Script
1ARC20 - Funk
Here's what you missed on Glee.
Regionals is coming up and Jesse's left the Glee Club.
Though he might be a spy, he seems to really like Rachel.
- Which is confusing.
- I think I kinda like her.
I don't want her to get hurt.
Quinn's preggo and feels that she's totally alone and Sue won't leave Will alone as the poor guy's trying to get over divorcing his terrible wife Terri.
I mean, she's not terrible.
- She's just kinda, you know, terrible.
- Sorry.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Mercedes.]
Is it just me or does it feel like we have a real shot at regionals next month? Ohio show choir chat rooms have been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.
The judges know their tricks.
Now that we haveJesse, they've lost their best performer.
You guys have to come to the auditorium.
It's an emergency.
[School Bell Rings.]
Be right back.
Jesse? What are you doing up there with them? I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me.
You never accepted me.
You never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Why are you here in our auditorium? The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished and that you guys are ripe to topple us.
We just wanted to show you a little something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
# [Dance Rock.]
## [Vocalizing.]
# Ooh, let's go # # Steve walks warily down the street # # With his brim pulled way down low # # Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet # # Machine guns ready to go # # Are you ready, hey Are you ready for this # # Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat # # Out of the doorway the bullets rip # # To the sound of the beat Yeah # # Another one bites the dust # # Another one bites the dust # # How do you think I'm gonna get along # # Without you when you're gone # # You took me for everything that I had # # And kicked me out on my own # # Are you happy Are you satisfied # # How long can you stand the heat # # Out of the doorway the bullets rip # # To the sound of the beat Look out # # Another one bites the dust ## Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys.
It's quaint.
[Group Laughing.]
[Exhales.]
- Come on.
- [School Bell Rings.]
It's a Carmel High tradition they psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show.
They call it a "funkification" meaning they show us what they've got and we spiral into a deep, black funk.
Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams.
Try to get inside their head, pull little pranks to intimidate them.
The difference was, our football team sucked.
Those guys are golden.
Keep your heads up, guys.
It's gonna take more than that to get us into a funk.
[Tina.]
I feel so violated.
It's like someone broke into our home.
Look, it was just a lame little prank.
The fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got 'em spooked.
Uh-uh, Mr.
Schue.
They aren't afraid of anything.
That number they did was fantastic.
Which doesn't make any sense.
They had all that equipment.
How did they even get in? I gave 'em all keys.
Helped 'em do a sound check over the weekend.
Hey, this way, fellas.
- Let's punch out this wall here, open up the space a little bit.
- Sue, what are you doing? I can't talk now, William.
Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here.
You see, I have nationals over the weekend and expect to return with a comically large first-place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case.
As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
You know what it has to look like Elvis's gold record room at Graceland.
Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Sue, get out of my room.
Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up.
In a few weeks Glee Club will be finished.
Now, how do I know that? I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie who told me that you're You are going to lose and your dreams will be crushed.
- Sue, can I see your trophy? - Sure, Will.
Hope and dream.
We dropped your trophy, Sue.
You know, for me trophies are like herpes.
You can try to get rid of'em, but they just keep comin'.
You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.
Enjoy your last few days here.
This room is mine.
[School Bell Rings.]
So, you sign here and here.
And you sign here and here.
[Clears Throat.]
Well by the power vested in me by the bar association of the great state of Ohio I now pronounce you no longer husband and wife.
Mazel tov.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
You're still that 16-year-old boy to me.
You always will be.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
[School Bell Rings.]
All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets.
Who has some? Giving my heart toJesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at Stomp.
Thinking "Trust me" was a sensible birth control option.
We all have them.
I just finalized my divorce.
I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.
Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this? Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it.
We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back.
But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
So you want us to T.
P.
Their choir room? Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh maybe maybe we should steal their school statue.
Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup.
- It weighs three tons.
- Okay, well, how about this one? - [Will Continues, Faint.]
- [Puck.]
Everyone knows this is gonna come down to me.
Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain these are my kingdoms.
First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.
Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.
[Air Hissing.]
Yeah, I did it.
And I'm proud.
All I did was step up and be a man.
They got what was coming to them.
A few of my students T.
P.
'd your choir room.
You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers.
Those were gifts for our win at sectionals.
That's 200 times 26 times four equals I don't have a calculator.
You bought your kids Range Rovers? We have a very active booster club.
Look, nobody got hurt.
It was a harmless prank.
That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871 who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs.
O'Leary.
He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William.
That terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Enough.
These students have committed a felony.
They are hereby expelled.
Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled.
I'm not gonna press charges as long as you pay for the damage.
Take it out of the Glee Club budget.
That'll bankrupt the Glee Club.
We don't have that kind of money.
We'll get jobs.
Give us a month.
We'll pay you back, Ms.
Corcoran, I promise.
Fine.
Ms.
Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful.
Thank you.
Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have and you never will.
Are you sure you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William? I'm willing to try anything, Sandy.
I'm just really depressed.
I don't sell to the clinically depressed.
You'll throw yourself off a parking garage, and I can't have that on my conscience.
I used to coach that Glee Club.
I know what you're up against.
You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me? I don't know how we can possibly beat them.
- Glee is hanging by a thread.
- William! The answer is right in front of your face but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk.
Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.
[School Bell Rings.]
Funk.
Use it in a sentence.
Come on! Rachel.
This cheese smells funky.
- That's because it's "fromunda" cheese.
- Shut it, Puckerman! Okay, okay, I was thinking more along the lines of "Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
" I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk.
We are gonna get funked up.
The only way to do that is to beat them at regionals.
Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number.
They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat.
Funk is soul meets anger.
Its passion is in its emotion.
And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any.
So you have your assignment.
I want you guys to turn McKinley High into # Funkytown # - [Laughing, Chattering.]
- You guys can relax.
I got this one covered.
- Cool.
- Hold on a second.
L I want a chance to get funky too.
[All Laughing.]
Good one, Quinn.
It even sounds funny when you say it.
You said funk was about soul and anger.
I have plenty of both.
Look at me.
Look at my life.
I'm furious! Let's be honest.
When white people try to be funky, you end up with K.
C.
And the Sunshine Band.
I love "Boogie Shoes.
" Mercedes's racism aside I will have something prepared tomorrow.
All right.
Quinn goes first.
[School Bell Rings.]
Rachel? Can I see you in my office? You seem to be taking this Jesse thing hard.
I want him to be eaten by a lion.
Jesse cared about you.
No, he didn't.
Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan.
They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition that I'd lose my will to live and then New Directions would have no chance at winning regionals.
It's textbook.
You destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Look, if you want to destroy [Will, Thinking.]
Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis.
Suddenly I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
William, gonna have to ask you to clear out.
Received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to discuss an illegal hot Cheetos ring.
Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids and I can't have that.
Yeah, no worries, Sue.
I'll just find someplace else to - Oh, wow.
- What? [Chuckles.]
L-It's nothing.
It's just It's just the way the light hit you just now.
You look stunning.
[Stammering.]
No, you're radiant.
Well, the week before nationals every year I have a placenta mask right after a rigorous session of microdermabrasion.
Wow.
Whatever you're doing keep it up, because you have never looked better.
- Well, if you'll excuse me I got stuff to do, so - [Stammering.]
[Exhales.]
Look, Sue, I gotta ask your advice about something.
L-I know I make it seem like I know what I'm doing but everyone knows you're the kingmaker around here.
- You're this school's arbiter of taste.
- Continue.
We're doing this funk number for regionals, and I wanted to pick your brain about it.
L-I just wanted to know if, uh, it's too suggestive.
A-And I only need two minutes of your time.
Okay? ## [Funk.]
# You ain't got no kind of feelin' # # Insi-i-ide # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # And I've got somethin' that will sho nuff set your stuff # # On fi-i-ire # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # You refuse # # To put anything # # Before your pri-i-i-ide # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # But what I've got # # Will knock all your pride aside # # Tell me something good # # Tell me that you love me Yeah # # Tell me something good # # Tell me, tell me, tell me # # That you like it Yeah # # "I got no time" # # Is what you're known # # To sa-a-a-ay, yeah # [Backup Singers.]
# Tell me something good # # Oh, tell me # # Oh, tell me Yeah-eah-eah # [Backup Singers.]
# Tell me that you love me # # I like it I like it, yeah, yeah # # Tell me something good ## So? [Panting.]
You feel anything there? No.
Was I [Exhales.]
Too dirty? I didn't notice.
I was bored.
Okay.
Right, left and flip.
- Okay? - Can I go shirtless under this apron? I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants.
As I'm sure you know, Mr.
Schuester and I are now officially divorced.
I'm sure he talks about it all the time.
Anyway, I'm on my own now and I need to make manager by the end of the year so that I can maintain my lifestyle Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's Palsy is back again today.
So? Help him! He's our best customer.
- You need to go help him.
- But she just told you to do it.
I have seniority over you two losers, which means you have to do what I say.
- Then I need to kick your ass.
- [Sandy.]
Saml [Hooting.]
You two.
Apron boys.
You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr.
Ryerson? I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield.
Pink.
It's all pink.
This is amaranth pink.
I need rose pink.
This is all the pink that we have.
Wrong answer.
Did they change the name of this place to Losers and Things? Did everyone in the whole world die, so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak? How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G? [Clapping.]
Let's go! Crank it! [Rapping.]
# In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey # # Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie # # With the plastic eyeballs spray-paint the vegetables # # Dog food stalls with the beefcake panty hose # # Kill the headlights and put it in neutral # # Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control # # Baby's in Reno with the vitamin D # # Got a couple of couches Sleep on the love-seat # # Someone came sayin' I'm insane to complain # # About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt # # Don't believe everything that you breathe # # You got a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve # # So shave your face with some mace in the dark # # Savin' all your food stamps # # And burnin' down the trailer park # Yo.
Cut it.
# Soy un perdedor # # I'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # # Why don't you kill me ## ## [Muzak: Volume Down.]
## [Muzak: Volume Down.]
[Sighs.]
I thoughtJews were supposed to be smart.
[Sighs.]
Go restack the space heaters.
Mrs.
Schuester? Can you show me how to fold this cham again? - Mrs.
Schuester? - Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yes.
Sure.
Of course.
How old are you? Sixteen.
Oh.
[Sue's Voice.]
DearJournal Something strange happened yesterday.
I felt something below the neck.
Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester.
Sexy, non-murdering feelings.
Oh, it all makes sense now, Journal.
True love always springs from true hate.
I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me except now I picture it attached to the rest ofhis body.
- [Knocks.]
- Sue? - You got a sec? - Yes, William.
How can I help you? I, uh I wanted to bring you these.
I snuck a peek at your track suit this morning and I got these to match.
Those are cheap, gas-station flowers.
I have no interest.
Okay.
But I also got you these.
A tub of Extreme Challenge Lifestyle Carbo-gels.
Had to drive down to Dayton to get your favorite flavor.
- Appletini.
- Appletini.
I don't get it either, Sue.
But you can't deny that we have chemistry.
My divorce opened my eyes to a world of possibilities.
I thought I'd finally have the chance to have all the things I'd ever wanted and then I realized the only thing I want is Sue.
- You have nationals this Saturday, right? - Why do you ask? Because I'd like to take you to dinner this week.
How's Wednesday night, Breadstix? [Whispers.]
Yeah.
Good.
Oh.
You know what Wednesday is, right? Hump Day.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Schuester.
My heart's not in this.
This whole Vocal Adrenaline thing's really getting me down and we have to come up with this funk number for Glee and I have less than zero ideas Glee? God! This club, it's like a toxic mold on my life! I'm sorry.
[Exhales.]
What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage.
I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.
Yeah, that's what Mr.
Schue said.
I mean, l I think you're awesome though.
I mean, look how hard you've been working trying to help me fold a cham.
You'd be a total MI LF if it weren't for the whole faking the mother thing.
You're very sweet.
You could be my second chance.
I'm gonna change.
I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right? Yeah.
Yeah, right, I guess.
Well, then I am going to help you with your Glee assignment.
Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So we'll type "funk" into the iTunes and we'll see what comes up.
I never thought of that.
Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager.
You'll report to him from now on.
- Do you have a problem with that? - [Sighs.]
Wow! Thanks! I believe in you, Finn.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side.
So, take it away.
For some of us just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer.
When you're pregnant you're responsible for two lives and you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man.
- Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.
- Hearing people call you fat.
Sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say "No.
" This is offensive.
Who are these girls? We're the Unwed Mothership Connection and that's what we're here to sing about.
And that's what we're here to sing about.
# [Cascading Strings.]
# This is a man's world # # This is a man's world # # But it wouldn't be nothin' # # Nothin' # # Without a woman or a girl # # [Backup Singers Vocalizing.]
# You see # # Man made the cars # # To take us over the road # # Man made the train # # To carry the heavy load # # Man made the boat for the water # # Like Noah made the ark # # This is a man's # # Man's, man's world # # But it wouldn't be nothin' # # Nothin' without a woman # # Or a girl # # Without a woman # # Or a girl # [Rhythmic Exhaling.]
# Man thinks about a little baby girls # # And baby boys # # And after man make everything # # Everything he can # # Do you know the man make money # - # He make money # - #To buy # # From other men # - # To buy from other men # - # This is a man's world # # But it wouldn't have been nothin' # # Nothin'# - # Not one little thing # - # Nothin' # # Without a woman or a girl # # He's lost # # In bitterness # - # Ooh-ooh # - # He's lost # # Lost somewhere out there # # In loneliness ## [Applauding.]
You're gonna have to order something.
My date will be here any minute.
Your date's not coming.
You got stood up.
- [TVPlaying, Indistinct.]
- [Knocking.]
- Right on time.
[Sighs.]
- [Knocking.]
How dare you! You led me on! You told me you had feelings for me.
Then you ask me out.
You don't show up, humiliating me, in public.
Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that.
You meddled around in my marriage.
You terrorize the Glee Club.
You continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma.
I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you.
Cruelty was the only way to get your attention.
I have no interest in dating you, Sue.
- You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
- I'm mean to everyone! Yeah, well, fine.
Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out.
Now, if you'll excuse me This is uncalled for, William.
[Sighs.]
Good night, Sue.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Sobbing.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Sobbing Continues.]
- Daddy.
Daddy.
- Santana, are you all right? - [Sobbing.]
- What Kurt, what is going on around here? Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed.
We haven't had practice in days.
I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it.
No nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships and the rest are just depressed and confused.
Please help me.
Please? It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester.
She doesn't need another trophy, but some of these girls, they really do.
Mr.
Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk with a little help from our special guest, Mercedes.
- Whoo! - Yeah.
Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a funky ride.
## ["Good Vibrations" Plays.]
# Yeah Can you feel it, baby # # Come on, swing it # # C -Come on, swing it # # Come on, swing it # # C-Come on, swing it # # Yo, it's about that time # # To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme # # I'm gonna get mine So get yours # # I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores # # On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this # # Strictly hip-hop, boy I ain't singin' this # # Bringin' this to the entire nation # # Black, white, red, brown Feel the vibration # - # Vibration # - # Come on, feel the vibration # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # # The vibration's good like Sunkist # # Many wanna know who done this # # Pucky Puck and I'm here to move you # # Rhymes will groove you And I'm here to prove to you # # That we can party on the positive side # # And pump positive vibes So come along for the ride # # Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation # - # So feel the vibration # - #Vibration # - # Come on, feel the vibration # - #Vibration # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # - # Vinnie D, break it down # - # Down # # Vinnie D's on the back up # # Drug free So put the crack up # # No need for speed I'm anti D-R-U-G-G-l-E, My # # Body is healthy My rhymes make me wealthy # # And the Funky Bunch helps me # # To bring you a show with no intoxication # - # Come on, feel the vibration # - # Vibration # # Yeah # # Can you feel it, baby # # I can too # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # # It's such a good vibration ## - Whool - [Applauding.]
All right.
Good job, guys, but that's not funk.
I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch but that is a rap song.
A kick-butt, old-school rap song.
Does it really matter, Mr.
Schue? We're so clinically depressed we're doing the wrong songs? We're in a deeper funk than ever.
Mercedes, I'm so sorry.
You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how I feel sometimes.
For nine months.
You've had to deal with this your whole life.
People making assumptions, calling you names.
I seriously can't understand why you don't feel like yelling at people - all the time.
- What's the point in getting angry? Because it's infuriating.
I hate all the looks at school.
Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.
You're not angry.
You're hurt.
You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage get to the pain beneath it So it's decided.
Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me.
I already talked to my mom about it.
My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.
Mercedes.
It's cool.
Us sisters gotta stick together, right? [Chuckles.]
[Both Laughing.]
[Doorbell Rings.]
- Mr.
Schuester? - Yes.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
Um, i-is she doing okay? Never seen her like this.
She won't leave her room and refuses her protein shakes.
Bad.
- Very bad.
- Well, please tell her I'd love to speak with her.
- Let me ask.
- Thank you.
Careful.
That Regionals '85 very precious to Miss Sue.
Sorry.
Mija, Mr.
Schuester is here.
- [Sue.]
Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah, she agreed to see you.
- [Speaking Spanish.]
- [Speaking Spanish.]
[Knocking.]
So have you come to gloat? I, uh I hear you're pulling out of nationals, Sue.
You know, for some of your girls that's gonna have some really big consequences.
Oh, I'm tired of those kids.
I devoted my life to them.
And what have I got to show for it? [Chuckles.]
Five consecutive national championships.
Oh, big deal.
I'm alone, William.
I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you.
And you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something.
I pictured myselfliving a normal life.
Having someone to come home to every night.
And though I completely loathe you you'd make a great trophy husband.
And as you can see by my decor, I love me some trophies.
Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger.
I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk.
But just made things worse.
So, is that an apology? Yes, it is.
And you're not alone, Sue.
Your kids need you.
So you do have love in your life.
My kids don't love me, they fear me.
But you love them, Sue.
Hand me my bullhorn, William.
[Feedback.]
Imelda, make me a shake! To go! - [Imelda.]
All rightl - Make it two! [Feedback.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
[Rings.]
- Hello? - [Jesse.]
Meet me out in the parking lot.
- [All Laughing.]
- I hear you're a vegan, Berry.
The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now.
[Laughing.]
Do it, Jesse.
Are you with us or not? - [Man.]
Come on, Jesse.
- [Woman.]
Do it.
[Man.]
Come on.
Do it.
Break it like you broke my heart.
I loved you.
[Sighs.]
[All Chuckling.]
[Car Doors Opening, Closing.]
[Engines Starting.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Oh, this is bull.
Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Right on.
It's time for less talking and more punching.
- Hey, what's going on? - We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Guys, violence is never the answer.
It is when the question is what's the best way to mess up thatJesse kid's face! Mr.
Schue, Rachel's one of us.
We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Now, guys, stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away.
You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does.
We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
We're not.
Rachel, dialJesse's number on your phone.
You haven't deleted his number yet? Jesse St.
James, Will Schuester here.
You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.
Let's hear from the internationally ranked Cheerios's coach, Sue Sylvester.
Coach, six consecutive national titles.
- You're the MichaelJordan of cheerleading.
- Thanks, Brett.
I am.
Sue, let us know about the decision you made to have Kurt Hummel here do a 141/2-minute CĂ©line Dion medley entirely in French.
Well, I'll tell you what, Brett, I'm all about finding a freakish, depressed kid and showing him what winning is all about.
Viva la différencel Whoo! Well, Sue, congratulations.
But I have to ask you where are you going to put that mammoth, skyscraping trophy? I know just the place.
[Doorbell Rings.]
Get out.
[Whispering.]
Sorry, Mr.
Schue.
Wow.
You did it, Sue I'll do the talking, thank you very much.
Let me break it down for you, William.
You're standing at a crossroads.
You have two choices: Number one this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built, bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
And what's choice number two? You can kiss me right here, on the lips with tongue.
This is payback, isn't it? No one will know? Fine.
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Even your breath stinks of mediocrity.
It's making me sick.
[Door Closes.]
[Wheels Squeaking.]
# Cut it # # Soy un perdedor # # I 'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # - # Double-barrel buckshot # - # Soy un perdedor # # I 'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # # Drive-by body-pierce # [Rachel.]
Thanks for coming.
After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest we decided the only way to truly "funkify" you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do So enjoy.
# [Funk.]
# Roof off We're gonna tear the roof off # # The mother sucker Tear the roof off the sucker # # Tear the roof off, We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker # # Tear the roof off the sucker # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # We gotta have that funk # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # We gotta have that funk # # Na-na-na-na-na # # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # Na-na-na-na-na # # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Give up the funk # # We're gonna turn this mother out # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Oh, yeah # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Give up the funk # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Na-na-na-na-na # - # Hey # - # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # A lotta rhythm goin' round # # You've got a real type of thing goin'down, gettin'down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # Yeah! # Yeah # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Funky # - # We want the funk # - # Yeah # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # Gotta have that funk # - # We want the funk # - # Funky, funky # # Give up the funk # - # We need the funk # - # Get down, baby # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Hey # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # - # Gotta have that funk # - #Yeah ## Whoo! See you punks at regionals.
They did a funk number.
We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
I'm so depressed.
# [Vocalizing.]
# [Harmonic Vocalizing.]
# [Ends.]
Regionals is coming up and Jesse's left the Glee Club.
Though he might be a spy, he seems to really like Rachel.
- Which is confusing.
- I think I kinda like her.
I don't want her to get hurt.
Quinn's preggo and feels that she's totally alone and Sue won't leave Will alone as the poor guy's trying to get over divorcing his terrible wife Terri.
I mean, she's not terrible.
- She's just kinda, you know, terrible.
- Sorry.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Mercedes.]
Is it just me or does it feel like we have a real shot at regionals next month? Ohio show choir chat rooms have been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.
The judges know their tricks.
Now that we haveJesse, they've lost their best performer.
You guys have to come to the auditorium.
It's an emergency.
[School Bell Rings.]
Be right back.
Jesse? What are you doing up there with them? I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me.
You never accepted me.
You never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Why are you here in our auditorium? The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished and that you guys are ripe to topple us.
We just wanted to show you a little something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
# [Dance Rock.]
## [Vocalizing.]
# Ooh, let's go # # Steve walks warily down the street # # With his brim pulled way down low # # Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet # # Machine guns ready to go # # Are you ready, hey Are you ready for this # # Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat # # Out of the doorway the bullets rip # # To the sound of the beat Yeah # # Another one bites the dust # # Another one bites the dust # # How do you think I'm gonna get along # # Without you when you're gone # # You took me for everything that I had # # And kicked me out on my own # # Are you happy Are you satisfied # # How long can you stand the heat # # Out of the doorway the bullets rip # # To the sound of the beat Look out # # Another one bites the dust ## Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys.
It's quaint.
[Group Laughing.]
[Exhales.]
- Come on.
- [School Bell Rings.]
It's a Carmel High tradition they psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show.
They call it a "funkification" meaning they show us what they've got and we spiral into a deep, black funk.
Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams.
Try to get inside their head, pull little pranks to intimidate them.
The difference was, our football team sucked.
Those guys are golden.
Keep your heads up, guys.
It's gonna take more than that to get us into a funk.
[Tina.]
I feel so violated.
It's like someone broke into our home.
Look, it was just a lame little prank.
The fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got 'em spooked.
Uh-uh, Mr.
Schue.
They aren't afraid of anything.
That number they did was fantastic.
Which doesn't make any sense.
They had all that equipment.
How did they even get in? I gave 'em all keys.
Helped 'em do a sound check over the weekend.
Hey, this way, fellas.
- Let's punch out this wall here, open up the space a little bit.
- Sue, what are you doing? I can't talk now, William.
Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here.
You see, I have nationals over the weekend and expect to return with a comically large first-place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case.
As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
You know what it has to look like Elvis's gold record room at Graceland.
Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Sue, get out of my room.
Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up.
In a few weeks Glee Club will be finished.
Now, how do I know that? I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie who told me that you're You are going to lose and your dreams will be crushed.
- Sue, can I see your trophy? - Sure, Will.
Hope and dream.
We dropped your trophy, Sue.
You know, for me trophies are like herpes.
You can try to get rid of'em, but they just keep comin'.
You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.
Enjoy your last few days here.
This room is mine.
[School Bell Rings.]
So, you sign here and here.
And you sign here and here.
[Clears Throat.]
Well by the power vested in me by the bar association of the great state of Ohio I now pronounce you no longer husband and wife.
Mazel tov.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
You're still that 16-year-old boy to me.
You always will be.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
[School Bell Rings.]
All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets.
Who has some? Giving my heart toJesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at Stomp.
Thinking "Trust me" was a sensible birth control option.
We all have them.
I just finalized my divorce.
I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.
Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this? Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it.
We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back.
But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
So you want us to T.
P.
Their choir room? Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh maybe maybe we should steal their school statue.
Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup.
- It weighs three tons.
- Okay, well, how about this one? - [Will Continues, Faint.]
- [Puck.]
Everyone knows this is gonna come down to me.
Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain these are my kingdoms.
First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.
Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.
[Air Hissing.]
Yeah, I did it.
And I'm proud.
All I did was step up and be a man.
They got what was coming to them.
A few of my students T.
P.
'd your choir room.
You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers.
Those were gifts for our win at sectionals.
That's 200 times 26 times four equals I don't have a calculator.
You bought your kids Range Rovers? We have a very active booster club.
Look, nobody got hurt.
It was a harmless prank.
That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871 who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs.
O'Leary.
He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William.
That terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Enough.
These students have committed a felony.
They are hereby expelled.
Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled.
I'm not gonna press charges as long as you pay for the damage.
Take it out of the Glee Club budget.
That'll bankrupt the Glee Club.
We don't have that kind of money.
We'll get jobs.
Give us a month.
We'll pay you back, Ms.
Corcoran, I promise.
Fine.
Ms.
Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful.
Thank you.
Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have and you never will.
Are you sure you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William? I'm willing to try anything, Sandy.
I'm just really depressed.
I don't sell to the clinically depressed.
You'll throw yourself off a parking garage, and I can't have that on my conscience.
I used to coach that Glee Club.
I know what you're up against.
You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me? I don't know how we can possibly beat them.
- Glee is hanging by a thread.
- William! The answer is right in front of your face but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk.
Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.
[School Bell Rings.]
Funk.
Use it in a sentence.
Come on! Rachel.
This cheese smells funky.
- That's because it's "fromunda" cheese.
- Shut it, Puckerman! Okay, okay, I was thinking more along the lines of "Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
" I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk.
We are gonna get funked up.
The only way to do that is to beat them at regionals.
Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number.
They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat.
Funk is soul meets anger.
Its passion is in its emotion.
And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any.
So you have your assignment.
I want you guys to turn McKinley High into # Funkytown # - [Laughing, Chattering.]
- You guys can relax.
I got this one covered.
- Cool.
- Hold on a second.
L I want a chance to get funky too.
[All Laughing.]
Good one, Quinn.
It even sounds funny when you say it.
You said funk was about soul and anger.
I have plenty of both.
Look at me.
Look at my life.
I'm furious! Let's be honest.
When white people try to be funky, you end up with K.
C.
And the Sunshine Band.
I love "Boogie Shoes.
" Mercedes's racism aside I will have something prepared tomorrow.
All right.
Quinn goes first.
[School Bell Rings.]
Rachel? Can I see you in my office? You seem to be taking this Jesse thing hard.
I want him to be eaten by a lion.
Jesse cared about you.
No, he didn't.
Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan.
They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition that I'd lose my will to live and then New Directions would have no chance at winning regionals.
It's textbook.
You destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Look, if you want to destroy [Will, Thinking.]
Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis.
Suddenly I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
William, gonna have to ask you to clear out.
Received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to discuss an illegal hot Cheetos ring.
Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids and I can't have that.
Yeah, no worries, Sue.
I'll just find someplace else to - Oh, wow.
- What? [Chuckles.]
L-It's nothing.
It's just It's just the way the light hit you just now.
You look stunning.
[Stammering.]
No, you're radiant.
Well, the week before nationals every year I have a placenta mask right after a rigorous session of microdermabrasion.
Wow.
Whatever you're doing keep it up, because you have never looked better.
- Well, if you'll excuse me I got stuff to do, so - [Stammering.]
[Exhales.]
Look, Sue, I gotta ask your advice about something.
L-I know I make it seem like I know what I'm doing but everyone knows you're the kingmaker around here.
- You're this school's arbiter of taste.
- Continue.
We're doing this funk number for regionals, and I wanted to pick your brain about it.
L-I just wanted to know if, uh, it's too suggestive.
A-And I only need two minutes of your time.
Okay? ## [Funk.]
# You ain't got no kind of feelin' # # Insi-i-ide # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # And I've got somethin' that will sho nuff set your stuff # # On fi-i-ire # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # You refuse # # To put anything # # Before your pri-i-i-ide # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # But what I've got # # Will knock all your pride aside # # Tell me something good # # Tell me that you love me Yeah # # Tell me something good # # Tell me, tell me, tell me # # That you like it Yeah # # "I got no time" # # Is what you're known # # To sa-a-a-ay, yeah # [Backup Singers.]
# Tell me something good # # Oh, tell me # # Oh, tell me Yeah-eah-eah # [Backup Singers.]
# Tell me that you love me # # I like it I like it, yeah, yeah # # Tell me something good ## So? [Panting.]
You feel anything there? No.
Was I [Exhales.]
Too dirty? I didn't notice.
I was bored.
Okay.
Right, left and flip.
- Okay? - Can I go shirtless under this apron? I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants.
As I'm sure you know, Mr.
Schuester and I are now officially divorced.
I'm sure he talks about it all the time.
Anyway, I'm on my own now and I need to make manager by the end of the year so that I can maintain my lifestyle Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's Palsy is back again today.
So? Help him! He's our best customer.
- You need to go help him.
- But she just told you to do it.
I have seniority over you two losers, which means you have to do what I say.
- Then I need to kick your ass.
- [Sandy.]
Saml [Hooting.]
You two.
Apron boys.
You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr.
Ryerson? I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield.
Pink.
It's all pink.
This is amaranth pink.
I need rose pink.
This is all the pink that we have.
Wrong answer.
Did they change the name of this place to Losers and Things? Did everyone in the whole world die, so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak? How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G? [Clapping.]
Let's go! Crank it! [Rapping.]
# In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey # # Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie # # With the plastic eyeballs spray-paint the vegetables # # Dog food stalls with the beefcake panty hose # # Kill the headlights and put it in neutral # # Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control # # Baby's in Reno with the vitamin D # # Got a couple of couches Sleep on the love-seat # # Someone came sayin' I'm insane to complain # # About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt # # Don't believe everything that you breathe # # You got a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve # # So shave your face with some mace in the dark # # Savin' all your food stamps # # And burnin' down the trailer park # Yo.
Cut it.
# Soy un perdedor # # I'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # # Why don't you kill me ## ## [Muzak: Volume Down.]
## [Muzak: Volume Down.]
[Sighs.]
I thoughtJews were supposed to be smart.
[Sighs.]
Go restack the space heaters.
Mrs.
Schuester? Can you show me how to fold this cham again? - Mrs.
Schuester? - Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yes.
Sure.
Of course.
How old are you? Sixteen.
Oh.
[Sue's Voice.]
DearJournal Something strange happened yesterday.
I felt something below the neck.
Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester.
Sexy, non-murdering feelings.
Oh, it all makes sense now, Journal.
True love always springs from true hate.
I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me except now I picture it attached to the rest ofhis body.
- [Knocks.]
- Sue? - You got a sec? - Yes, William.
How can I help you? I, uh I wanted to bring you these.
I snuck a peek at your track suit this morning and I got these to match.
Those are cheap, gas-station flowers.
I have no interest.
Okay.
But I also got you these.
A tub of Extreme Challenge Lifestyle Carbo-gels.
Had to drive down to Dayton to get your favorite flavor.
- Appletini.
- Appletini.
I don't get it either, Sue.
But you can't deny that we have chemistry.
My divorce opened my eyes to a world of possibilities.
I thought I'd finally have the chance to have all the things I'd ever wanted and then I realized the only thing I want is Sue.
- You have nationals this Saturday, right? - Why do you ask? Because I'd like to take you to dinner this week.
How's Wednesday night, Breadstix? [Whispers.]
Yeah.
Good.
Oh.
You know what Wednesday is, right? Hump Day.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Schuester.
My heart's not in this.
This whole Vocal Adrenaline thing's really getting me down and we have to come up with this funk number for Glee and I have less than zero ideas Glee? God! This club, it's like a toxic mold on my life! I'm sorry.
[Exhales.]
What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage.
I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.
Yeah, that's what Mr.
Schue said.
I mean, l I think you're awesome though.
I mean, look how hard you've been working trying to help me fold a cham.
You'd be a total MI LF if it weren't for the whole faking the mother thing.
You're very sweet.
You could be my second chance.
I'm gonna change.
I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right? Yeah.
Yeah, right, I guess.
Well, then I am going to help you with your Glee assignment.
Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So we'll type "funk" into the iTunes and we'll see what comes up.
I never thought of that.
Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager.
You'll report to him from now on.
- Do you have a problem with that? - [Sighs.]
Wow! Thanks! I believe in you, Finn.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side.
So, take it away.
For some of us just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer.
When you're pregnant you're responsible for two lives and you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man.
- Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.
- Hearing people call you fat.
Sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say "No.
" This is offensive.
Who are these girls? We're the Unwed Mothership Connection and that's what we're here to sing about.
And that's what we're here to sing about.
# [Cascading Strings.]
# This is a man's world # # This is a man's world # # But it wouldn't be nothin' # # Nothin' # # Without a woman or a girl # # [Backup Singers Vocalizing.]
# You see # # Man made the cars # # To take us over the road # # Man made the train # # To carry the heavy load # # Man made the boat for the water # # Like Noah made the ark # # This is a man's # # Man's, man's world # # But it wouldn't be nothin' # # Nothin' without a woman # # Or a girl # # Without a woman # # Or a girl # [Rhythmic Exhaling.]
# Man thinks about a little baby girls # # And baby boys # # And after man make everything # # Everything he can # # Do you know the man make money # - # He make money # - #To buy # # From other men # - # To buy from other men # - # This is a man's world # # But it wouldn't have been nothin' # # Nothin'# - # Not one little thing # - # Nothin' # # Without a woman or a girl # # He's lost # # In bitterness # - # Ooh-ooh # - # He's lost # # Lost somewhere out there # # In loneliness ## [Applauding.]
You're gonna have to order something.
My date will be here any minute.
Your date's not coming.
You got stood up.
- [TVPlaying, Indistinct.]
- [Knocking.]
- Right on time.
[Sighs.]
- [Knocking.]
How dare you! You led me on! You told me you had feelings for me.
Then you ask me out.
You don't show up, humiliating me, in public.
Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that.
You meddled around in my marriage.
You terrorize the Glee Club.
You continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma.
I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you.
Cruelty was the only way to get your attention.
I have no interest in dating you, Sue.
- You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
- I'm mean to everyone! Yeah, well, fine.
Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out.
Now, if you'll excuse me This is uncalled for, William.
[Sighs.]
Good night, Sue.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Sobbing.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Sobbing Continues.]
- Daddy.
Daddy.
- Santana, are you all right? - [Sobbing.]
- What Kurt, what is going on around here? Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed.
We haven't had practice in days.
I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it.
No nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships and the rest are just depressed and confused.
Please help me.
Please? It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester.
She doesn't need another trophy, but some of these girls, they really do.
Mr.
Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk with a little help from our special guest, Mercedes.
- Whoo! - Yeah.
Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a funky ride.
## ["Good Vibrations" Plays.]
# Yeah Can you feel it, baby # # Come on, swing it # # C -Come on, swing it # # Come on, swing it # # C-Come on, swing it # # Yo, it's about that time # # To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme # # I'm gonna get mine So get yours # # I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores # # On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this # # Strictly hip-hop, boy I ain't singin' this # # Bringin' this to the entire nation # # Black, white, red, brown Feel the vibration # - # Vibration # - # Come on, feel the vibration # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # # The vibration's good like Sunkist # # Many wanna know who done this # # Pucky Puck and I'm here to move you # # Rhymes will groove you And I'm here to prove to you # # That we can party on the positive side # # And pump positive vibes So come along for the ride # # Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation # - # So feel the vibration # - #Vibration # - # Come on, feel the vibration # - #Vibration # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # - # Vinnie D, break it down # - # Down # # Vinnie D's on the back up # # Drug free So put the crack up # # No need for speed I'm anti D-R-U-G-G-l-E, My # # Body is healthy My rhymes make me wealthy # # And the Funky Bunch helps me # # To bring you a show with no intoxication # - # Come on, feel the vibration # - # Vibration # # Yeah # # Can you feel it, baby # # I can too # # It's such a good vibration # # It's such a sweet sensation # # It's such a good vibration ## - Whool - [Applauding.]
All right.
Good job, guys, but that's not funk.
I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch but that is a rap song.
A kick-butt, old-school rap song.
Does it really matter, Mr.
Schue? We're so clinically depressed we're doing the wrong songs? We're in a deeper funk than ever.
Mercedes, I'm so sorry.
You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how I feel sometimes.
For nine months.
You've had to deal with this your whole life.
People making assumptions, calling you names.
I seriously can't understand why you don't feel like yelling at people - all the time.
- What's the point in getting angry? Because it's infuriating.
I hate all the looks at school.
Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.
You're not angry.
You're hurt.
You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage get to the pain beneath it So it's decided.
Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me.
I already talked to my mom about it.
My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.
Mercedes.
It's cool.
Us sisters gotta stick together, right? [Chuckles.]
[Both Laughing.]
[Doorbell Rings.]
- Mr.
Schuester? - Yes.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
Um, i-is she doing okay? Never seen her like this.
She won't leave her room and refuses her protein shakes.
Bad.
- Very bad.
- Well, please tell her I'd love to speak with her.
- Let me ask.
- Thank you.
Careful.
That Regionals '85 very precious to Miss Sue.
Sorry.
Mija, Mr.
Schuester is here.
- [Sue.]
Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah, she agreed to see you.
- [Speaking Spanish.]
- [Speaking Spanish.]
[Knocking.]
So have you come to gloat? I, uh I hear you're pulling out of nationals, Sue.
You know, for some of your girls that's gonna have some really big consequences.
Oh, I'm tired of those kids.
I devoted my life to them.
And what have I got to show for it? [Chuckles.]
Five consecutive national championships.
Oh, big deal.
I'm alone, William.
I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you.
And you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something.
I pictured myselfliving a normal life.
Having someone to come home to every night.
And though I completely loathe you you'd make a great trophy husband.
And as you can see by my decor, I love me some trophies.
Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger.
I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk.
But just made things worse.
So, is that an apology? Yes, it is.
And you're not alone, Sue.
Your kids need you.
So you do have love in your life.
My kids don't love me, they fear me.
But you love them, Sue.
Hand me my bullhorn, William.
[Feedback.]
Imelda, make me a shake! To go! - [Imelda.]
All rightl - Make it two! [Feedback.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
[Rings.]
- Hello? - [Jesse.]
Meet me out in the parking lot.
- [All Laughing.]
- I hear you're a vegan, Berry.
The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now.
[Laughing.]
Do it, Jesse.
Are you with us or not? - [Man.]
Come on, Jesse.
- [Woman.]
Do it.
[Man.]
Come on.
Do it.
Break it like you broke my heart.
I loved you.
[Sighs.]
[All Chuckling.]
[Car Doors Opening, Closing.]
[Engines Starting.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Oh, this is bull.
Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Right on.
It's time for less talking and more punching.
- Hey, what's going on? - We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Guys, violence is never the answer.
It is when the question is what's the best way to mess up thatJesse kid's face! Mr.
Schue, Rachel's one of us.
We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Now, guys, stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away.
You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does.
We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
We're not.
Rachel, dialJesse's number on your phone.
You haven't deleted his number yet? Jesse St.
James, Will Schuester here.
You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.
Let's hear from the internationally ranked Cheerios's coach, Sue Sylvester.
Coach, six consecutive national titles.
- You're the MichaelJordan of cheerleading.
- Thanks, Brett.
I am.
Sue, let us know about the decision you made to have Kurt Hummel here do a 141/2-minute CĂ©line Dion medley entirely in French.
Well, I'll tell you what, Brett, I'm all about finding a freakish, depressed kid and showing him what winning is all about.
Viva la différencel Whoo! Well, Sue, congratulations.
But I have to ask you where are you going to put that mammoth, skyscraping trophy? I know just the place.
[Doorbell Rings.]
Get out.
[Whispering.]
Sorry, Mr.
Schue.
Wow.
You did it, Sue I'll do the talking, thank you very much.
Let me break it down for you, William.
You're standing at a crossroads.
You have two choices: Number one this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built, bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
And what's choice number two? You can kiss me right here, on the lips with tongue.
This is payback, isn't it? No one will know? Fine.
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Even your breath stinks of mediocrity.
It's making me sick.
[Door Closes.]
[Wheels Squeaking.]
# Cut it # # Soy un perdedor # # I 'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # - # Double-barrel buckshot # - # Soy un perdedor # # I 'm a loser, baby # # So why don't you kill me # # Drive-by body-pierce # [Rachel.]
Thanks for coming.
After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest we decided the only way to truly "funkify" you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do So enjoy.
# [Funk.]
# Roof off We're gonna tear the roof off # # The mother sucker Tear the roof off the sucker # # Tear the roof off, We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker # # Tear the roof off the sucker # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # We gotta have that funk # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # We gotta have that funk # # Na-na-na-na-na # # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # Na-na-na-na-na # # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Give up the funk # # We're gonna turn this mother out # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Oh, yeah # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Give up the funk # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # We're gonna turn this mother out # # Na-na-na-na-na # - # Hey # - # Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow # # You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # # A lotta rhythm goin' round # # You've got a real type of thing goin'down, gettin'down # # There's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round # Yeah! # Yeah # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Funky # - # We want the funk # - # Yeah # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # # Gotta have that funk # - # We want the funk # - # Funky, funky # # Give up the funk # - # We need the funk # - # Get down, baby # - # Gotta have that funk # - # Hey # # We want the funk # # Give up the funk # # We need the funk # - # Gotta have that funk # - #Yeah ## Whoo! See you punks at regionals.
They did a funk number.
We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
I'm so depressed.
# [Vocalizing.]
# [Harmonic Vocalizing.]
# [Ends.]