Kickin' It (2011) s01e21 Episode Script

Hey, hey, stop! - What was that? - The atomic claw.
Whoo! That is not a martial arts move.
It's an appetizer at the lobster barn.
It's a pro wrestling move, dude.
You know who uses it? I'm gonna take a wild guess and go with the wrestler Called the atomic claw.
You know wrestling's fake, right? Whoa whoa whoa.
There is nothing fake about the claw's claw, okay? It's 100% bionic With robotic titanium fingers that can crush a man's skull.
It's a catcher's mitt wrapped in aluminum foil.
So I guess you guys aren't going to the wrestle frenzy this weekend.
- Of course we're going.
- We wouldn't miss it.
Can we get back to sparring? - Let's go.
- All right, you ready? Go! Nice.
Whoa! What are you doing? Stop! That is crossing the line, dude.
You do not touch another man's ears.
Ever.
What are you guys doing? He gave me the atomic claw so I gave him the Russian lobe lock.
So I go into my office for 10 minutes, and you guys just goof off? Sorry, Rudy.
We're just pumped about wrestle frenzy coming to town.
What is it with you kids and this wrestling stuff? If I wanted to see giant sweaty freaks pounding on each other, I'd go home for thanksgiving.
I don't need this today.
- What happened? - I don't know.
Let me see.
My cat needs feline braces, And I had to help my mother's man friend Because his nose was stuck in a bowling ball.
How do you get-- By playing a game called "I bet I can fit my nose in that.
" Don't you get all tough with me That's just how we do And no matter how much I chop and punch It's not as cool as kickin' it with you Here we go, let's start the party Chop it up like it's karate Everybody Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall That's just how we do And no matter how much I chop and punch It's not as cool as kickin' it with you I loved the museum.
But the prehistoric display was lame.
You could tell the cavemen were just department store mannequins.
That explains why the Neanderthals were wearing high heels.
Holding hands with you at the museum is nice.
About that, I was thinking it's time for us To go to the next level.
I think we're doing good.
And my friend Annie told me the next level is scary at first, But then it's really fun.
Yeah, that's-- oh, boy.
Am I late for my dentist thing.
I got-- bye.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Milton? Milton! Excuse me.
I was here before you.
Now you're after me, pipsqueak.
Hey, buddy, I'm kind of having a tough day.
I just wanna get my food, Go home, put my cat in his headgear And keep an eye on my mom's boyfriend's nose.
- It's a life.
- Hey, you know what-- You just made a big mistake, man.
Rudy, what happened? I don't know.
I just lost it.
He shoved me and called me a pipsqueak.
Don't worry, Rudy.
You're not alone.
My pip squeaks, too.
I'm not talking about my pip with you.
Dude, the next level.
She's talking about kissing, bro.
I can't.
I'm not ready.
It's not that big a deal.
You just have to relax and let nature take over.
How do you know? The only thing you ever planted one on was the punching dummy at the dojo.
And I relaxed and let nature take over.
Milton, dude.
Your first one's important, man.
Well, it's not technically my first one.
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Cindy.
So I guess I'll see you around.
Aunt Gerty.
Happy birthday, darling.
See you next year.
Oh, he kissed me right on the mouth! No, it wasn't like that.
You turned into it, and I missed.
You're a twisted little boy! The whole thing was horrible.
I tasted her lipstick and cough drops for three weeks.
Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
That wrestler Mondo Mountain is in town.
He was in Falafel Phil's and apparently, he met Rudy.
Get out of here! Whoa! Rudy says martial arts is for confidence, discipline and honor.
But as it turns out, It's also good for beating down fools.
What's a guy gotta do to get some up top around here? Rudy Rudy Rudy, you have well over three million hits.
I can't believe it.
That's more than "Man kisses goat.
" Hey, I didn't kiss her.
She needed mouth-to-mouth.
Rudy, why didn't you tell us you took down the Mountain? Your video's all over the internet.
Yeah, Rudy, you're famous.
I know.
Today, a woman asked me to sign her baby.
Do you know how much that thing is worth now? That's me.
Hello.
Rudy, I wasn't there, But you've always taught us not to use martial arts unless you absolutely have to.
No, I had to.
That giant jerk cut in front of me.
So what you're saying is sometimes you have to take a stand? Yes, but I just didn't take a stand for myself.
I was taking a stand for every little guy that's ever been pushed around by a fat cat or a bigwig or a big fat cat in a wig or a cat with-- Yes, yes, he'll do it.
Rowdy rudy will fight Mondo Mountain.
Okay, ciao, baby.
- So you guys need more hummus or anything? - Phil! What did you just do? I called the wrestle frenzy people And told them that you wanted to get into the ring with the mondo.
What? I am not a pro wrestler.
Don't worry.
It's just a show.
They want you to win.
They want to see the mighty mouse once again take down the elephant.
Phil, Phil, I don't crave the spotlight.
I'm but a simple man who lives a quiet life.
- I don't seek fame-- - They say that they will pay you $5,000.
Mondo's going down, baby! Julie, you know the other day in Falafel Phil's When you told me you wanted to go to the next level? Yeah, I'm excited.
Okay.
Well, it's obviously very important to you, So I think we should do it.
Just close your eyes as I prepare myself.
Uh Just do it.
It's for the best.
You're a twisted little boy! Gerty, no! Milton, who's Gerty? Step right up.
Who wants to get flipped by Rowdy Rudy, The internet sensation? Ugh! - There you go.
- Rudy, I need to talk to you.
Kim, I'm kind of in the middle of throwing people around for money here.
Fine.
I just thought I'd let you know Jack's gonna miss class today because he's in detention.
What? Why? He got into a fight with a kid at school and flipped him, Just like you did to Mondo.
What? I told you guys to never fight at school.
Yeah, well, the kids are saying he went "all Rudy" On him.
Wait, so now "going all Rudy" Means you beat someone up? Yeah, what did it used to mean? You know, losing your gym shorts during a volleyball match.
Jack, where did you get the idea that I think violence is okay? I don't know, "Rowdy Rudy.
" What? I'm just choosing a costume for Wrestle Frenzy.
Look, I tell you guys all the time It's never okay to fight in school.
I saw a big guy picking on a nerd so I gave him a little shove.
- Did he hit the guy? - No, but he kicked over his tuba case.
So that made it okay for you to shove him? Rudy, I was just taking a stand like you did with Mondo.
No, your situation is completely different.
Yeah, you're right.
I was protecting someone that really needed help.
And you didn't like cutsies.
Nobody likes cutsies.
They're worse than takesies-backsies.
So you say one thing and do another? You're a hypocrite.
How dare you! I am your sensei And I deserve respect.
Great.
Now I got a run in my tights.
What happened with Jack? He's mad because he got in a fight at school, And thinks it's the same as what happened to me in Falafel Phil's.
Well, isn't it? No, it's completely different.
I mean, I was you know-- And he was all, you know-- Do you guys really think I'm being a hypocrite? Oh yeah, totally.
What have I done? Ew! She turned into Gerty? The girl wants my lips, but I can't give them to her.
I have to end it.
No, you're ending nothing.
Julie's your first love.
It's not fair to her.
It's over.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Listen, you, I was responsible for you two getting together, And I'm not letting you break it off over some dumb mental block.
Kim, I appreciate your concern, But you're putting a lot of pressure on a place That my doctor thinks may be a third nipple.
I can help you.
Meet me at the dojo at 3:30.
Yeah, I've got some fruit flies in the lab that'll be livid if I don't show up with a rotten plum.
- Milton-- - 3:30 will work.
Got your text, Rudy.
What's up? Jack, I've made some mistakes in my life.
Sushi flavored toothpaste, pet toupees.
Don't forget mantyhose.
No, no, that was a great idea.
Just a bad name.
I should have called them "Stockings for dudes.
" What do you want, Rudy? I wanted to apologize, Jack.
Look, you were right.
I was being a hypocrite.
Fighting should always be the last resort.
Thanks, Rudy.
Wait, why did I have to come down here for you to tell me that? 'Cause I'm gonna make things right.
Mondo! - What do you want? - I have a proposal.
We both know this match tomorrow is fake and nobody's gonna get hurt.
I'm supposed to win, but I want you to win instead.
Why do you wanna do that? 'Cause I crossed the line the other day.
Phil's food is not worth fighting over.
You know it's a bad sign when you walk in the bathroom and see a cockroach throwing up in the toilet.
You made me look like an idiot on the internet.
My rabbi saw that.
I'm sorry about everything.
I embarrassed you and I sent a bad message to my students.
If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do.
That's pretty cool, Rudy.
Let's not ruin the show for the guys.
We'll just keep this our secret.
You mean like how you wax your chest every Wednesday night? Wait.
How'd you know about that? It's a combination of the screams and the way the toilet backs up 'cause it's full of wax and hair.
We'll see you tomorrow, Mondo.
Let's give 'em a good show.
Okay.
Oh, it's gonna be a good show.
I'm gonna rip off his face and show it to his butt.
That doesn't make any sense.
Shut it! I can't do it.
- You can do it.
- I can't.
- It's just a picture.
- Every time I pucker, I see Gerty.
- It's hopeless.
- It's not hopeless.
We'll just take it slowly, like getting into a hot tub.
I don't get into hot tubs.
They're bubbling cauldrons of bacteria.
For the love of-- it's just a stupid Oh, wow, what did we just do? Milton David Krupnick, you and kim? No, julie, I think you have the wrong-- Julie, no, Kim was just kissing me to see if I'd like it.
And I did.
No, no, no, Julie, it's not what you think, okay? Milton was nervous because he knew you wanted to kiss him, And he wanted your first kiss to be perfect.
Yes, and I didn't wanna ruin things by vomiting on your shoes.
This was never about me, Julie.
This was all about you.
Milton, where did you get the idea that I wanted you to kiss me? You said you wanted to go to the next level.
I was talking about the upper level of the museum.
What? But you said it would be scary at first, and then it would be fun.
Yeah, because after you get off the elevator, The first thing you see is the mummy exhibit.
But if you keep going, There's a simulator that let's you travel through the human digestive tract.
I heard about that.
It's a magical journey from mastication to evacuation.
That's one wild ride I wanna take with you.
Oh, Milton.
And about the other thing-- we don't need to rush.
When we're ready, it'll happen.
Thanks, Julie.
Let's go get a smoothie.
Just a second.
Kim, thanks for helping Milton.
I know you're a black belt, But if your lips get anywhere near my man ever again, I will end you, sister.
- Got it.
- Bye-bye.
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the Seaford Rec Center where Wrestle Frenzy is well underway.
Oh, this is disgusting.
These guys are sweating all over us.
I know.
Rudy got us the greatest seats ever.
Check it out.
I caught one of his teeth in my snow cone.
Hello, everybody, I'm Jason Sehorn.
And I used to play in the N.
F.
L.
And now I'm here as your celebrity wrestling announcer in Seafood.
- Seaford! - Don't care.
And now into the ring, He's mad, he's mean, he's Mondo Mountain! The internet phenomenon, the mighty mouse that roared, the sensei sensation, Rowdy Rudy! That's right.
Rowdy rudy is here to bring the pain, baby.
- Oh! - My bad.
My bad.
Walk it off.
Walk it off.
Hey, so I've seen these things.
I think we should do a little smack talk.
I'm gonna say something about your mama that I in no way mean.
Your mama is so big-- Mondo, buddy.
I kind of felt that one.
Maybe we can lighten it up a little bit.
I'm sorry.
- How was that? - Not good.
I think I just peed into my lungs.
Oh! - I knew I shouldn't have kept my car keys in my pocket.
And that can opener, that was just stupid.
Come on, Mondo, rip his leg off and kick him with it.
- I heard that, Jerry.
- Sorry, Rudy.
Ow! I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop that.
I really don't bend that way! No! Oh! But, mommy, I don't wanna go to school today.
Guys, something's not right.
This is what you get for embarrassing me.
Oh, Mongo, now! Mondo's brother Mongo is coming from the locker room.
All right, Rudy, we got this.
Huh? Thanks, Jack.
You saved me.
Sometimes you do have to take a stand, Rudy.
And the winner is Rowdy Rudy! People, people, I have something to say, all right? If you have a disagreement with someone, Try to work it out without resorting to violence.
Violence is never the answer.
- Yeah! - Violence rocks! No, no, no, no, violence is bad.
- It only leads to more violence.
- Yeah! Good.
We love violence! No, no.
Peace is the answer.
That's it! I saw who threw that.
I'm going all Rudy on you! Oh this internet dating has been so good to us.
Today's the day that we have been together for three months.
And I was thinking it's time for the kiss.
Oh, Phil.
I didn't see this coming.
All right, just close your eyes while I get ready.
Okay.
All right.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
Ahem-- Milton! That twisted little boy has ruined me.
I thought we were having moment of good times.
Come back, Gerty.
Gerty, come back! Why?