Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e21 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
You're late.
I didn't invest in Lop-E.Z.
Movers to lose money.
Didn't you put this client
meeting in your calendar?
I don't have a calendar.
On the day of a move, I get
a call from the client saying,
"Where the hell are you?"
Then I tell 'em, "Around the corner."
And I jump in the shower.
Landing this commercial
move would be big for us.
There's the client.
Remember the number
one rule in business.
Shut up. Let me do the talking.
Hi, there, I'm George Lopez,
founder of Lop-E.Z. Movers.
As you can see, I only have the
strongest members on my crew.
Momo here can do 50 push-ups.
He's right.
I pushed up 50 of my cousins
over the fence at the border.
And I've hired them all.
Lop-E.Z. Movers, a sanctuary business.
You're literally lifting
up your community.
90% of our profits goes to
a Latina businesswoman
me.
I reviewed your bid.
I just need to talk to one
more Latino-run moving company.
- Maybe you know the owner.
- Oh, so why is that?
Because I'm Latino, we have
to know every other Latino?
- Jorge, hey, George!
- [LAUGHS]
Danny Martinez.
- So you do know each other.
- Mm.
Thank goodness. I was
sweating there for a second.
George used to work for Danny.
He was kind of his mentor.
Oh, I'll give you two
a moment to catch up.
This is the part where I quiet
my own voice to amplify yours.
You seem to have a lot
of bankable white guilt.
Why don't we discuss
your insurance needs?
I'm excited to meet your mentor,
you know, since you're my mentor.
I'm not your mentor.
What you trying to do? Turn
this into "The Momo Show"?
"The George Lopez Show" is on right now.
We don't have any room for guest stars.
This guy been trying to pull
me down my entire career.
George, I know we've had
our differences in the past,
- but I'm a changed man now.
- You've changed?
You've had that same ponytail
for the last 30 years.
And let me tell you something.
It's not as cool as you think it looks.
I think it's badass.
George, I'm a new man,
ever since I started
practicing the art of tai chi.
It's helped my rage and my "siratica."
I don't care about your
"siratica" or your chai tea.
Once I named my
business Lop-E.Z. Movers,
he named his business
Martin-E.Z. Movers to steal customers.
I was E.Z. first.
It's pronounced "Martin-eez,"
because white people love martinis,
like they love donuts, tacos,
and the "Spy Kids" trilogy.
Oh, yeah.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
There you are. Mommy
meeting is about to start.
I have been stalling
for as long as I can,
but we have already discussed
the entire "Vanderpump" saga.
Oh, thanks.
You know, this rabbit was in labor,
and it just kept going
and going and going.
Hey. It's okay.
I'm just glad you can make it
now that your night classes are done.
Yeah, you know, hopefully,
I can take it over from here
and you can join the daddy group.
There is no daddy group.
I tried to start one, but the dads,
they just kept forwarding
all the messages to the moms.
Okay. Well, who do I talk to
about getting on the mommy group text?
Don't rush it.
Natalia will let you
in when she's ready.
Is Natalia that super mom
who runs every committee?
Yes. And she controls who
gets invited to play dates.
So if she doesn't like us,
Chance will end up being the lonely boy
playing with worms under the bleachers.
Don't worry, babe.
We're two Latina moms.
She's probably going to
be happy I'm there now,
because we speak the same language.
Unless she speaks Spanish.
In that case, we don't.
And that's when I said,
"Hard-boiled eggs for lunch?
What is this, Guantánamo?" [LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Natalia, you are a hoot and a half.
Guantána-yes to that joke.
[LAUGHS] Oh, you must be Mayan.
It is so great to finally meet you.
We missed you at the last
every meeting we've ever had.
Yeah, sorry, I've just been
so busy working at the vet,
and I was taking night classes.
I try to do it all
bring home the bacon and wrap
it around a little smokie.
Bacon-wrapped little smokie?
I never eat meat wrapped in meat.
Anyway, we were just discussing
what our next school event should be.
Oh, what about Career Day?
You know, the kids can
learn about different jobs,
and I can bring in some
animals from my work.
ALL: Aww.
That is adorable.
- I'm allergic.
- I will turn it into a stew.
What about Culture Day?
- ALL: Ooh.
- Yeah.
Families can bring in foods and items
from their unique cultural backgrounds.
Yeah, and maybe the kids
can come dressed in costumes
that represent their culture.
Mayan, we can't have kids showing up
in problematic headdresses.
This isn't Coachella.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, but don't worry.
We'll figure it out in the group text.
Oh, about that, I'd love to be added.
Oh, no need.
Quinten can just fill you in.
He keeps us very entertained.
He's like the Andy
Cohen of our mom squad.
You ladies are incorrigible.
[LAUGHTER]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
No one would even touch
these after Natalia said,
"I don't eat meat wrapped in meat."
That's crazy.
The outside meat enhances
the flavor of the inside meat.
Look, everyone just goes
along with what Natalia says.
Once she assumed I was from Florida.
So now I'm from Florida.
I bought jorts.
She won't even let me contribute.
I mean, what does she have against me?
- Is she Latina?
- Yeah, so?
- She's a bucket crab.
- What's that?
It's when Latinos try
to pull each other down
like crabs in a bucket.
It's what Danny Martinez
has been doing to me.
Dad, we're talking about my thing.
See, when I first opened my business,
Danny wanted to be the only
successful Latino mover in town.
So what'd he do? He stole my name,
tore up my flyers, and
tried to poach my employees
by offering them minimum wage.
My generation of
Latinés doesn't do that.
We support each other.
Natalia's not a bucket crab.
She just doesn't like me.
Sounds to me like
she's knocking you down
so that she can be the only
Latina mom in the group that shines.
No, I'm sure there's other Latina moms
in the group who shine, right, Quinten?
There's two others.
But I do not know their names
because Natalia calls them
number two and number three.
You see, number four?
I know what I'm talking
about, Mayan. Trust me.
I've been dealing with
crabs since my early 20s.
Good news. We got the job.
The client loved you, even
after meeting you in person.
Because I'm irresistible to white women.
They like me, because I
smell like a coconut drink
they can drink on Rosarito Beach
while they're getting
their hair braided.
Well, she also loved Danny,
so she suggested that
you do it together.
No way. Absolutely not.
I'm not working with
that Mexican Rapunzel.
You have no choice.
This client loves
supporting Latino businesses.
I don't know what
skeletons are in her closet,
but they're probably
named Paco and Chuy.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
It's nice you came to
pick up Chance with me.
Yeah, well, I realized as a mom,
I really should spend
more time with Natalia.
I am getting on that mommy group text.
Mayan?
I've never seen you on
school grounds before.
Did security give you a hassle?
It's okay! She's actually a parent!
A working parent.
But I pick up Chance all the time.
Mommy? What are you doing here?
It's okay! She's actually my mommy!
Okay, so for Culture Day,
I was thinking you could bring
one of your traditional Florida dishes.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] I got a whole mess
of gator nuggets fixin' to fry.
Oh, I'll be coming too,
so what can I bring?
Oh, okay.
How about spanakopita?
Ooh, or tzatziki?
Why?
Because you're Greek. Right?
I mean [CHUCKLES]
The eyebrows.
No. I'm Mexican and Cuban.
No way. Me too.
Well, whatever booth you want is yours.
- Oh, then I'll take Mexico.
- Oh, that one's mine.
Okay, well, what about Cuba?
- Oh, also mine.
- [CHUCKLES]
I'm a quarter Dominican.
I'm covering all of Latin America.
So what's available?
Greece.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I can't believe I'm stuck working
with someone I can't stand.
You get used to it.
You don't get it. Danny's going to
sabotage me like he always does.
That guy's only out for himself.
Hey, I brought donuts.
Oh, so thoughtful,
and thank you again for
being open to collaborating.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Teamwork makes the dream work.
George, we packed all these boxes.
You guys can move them.
- All right.
- Let's go, guys.
- You see?
- Danny's not trying to hurt you.
Augh!
You see that? He rigged this on purpose!
All right, the crab has
come out of the cocoon.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I think your spanakopita
might be ready
[SNIFFS]
20 minutes ago.
Ooh.
Oh, come on.
Augh. [SIGHS]
Natalia knows I'm not Greek.
She just doesn't want me to outshine her
with my delicious
Mexican or Cuban dishes.
You don't know how to
cook those foods either.
But my mom does, and I
could have taken the credit.
[LINE TRILLING]
Oh, it's Natalia.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Hola, hermana.
Oh, hi, hermana.
I just wanted to let you know
that you don't have to
stress about the Greek booth.
What? [CHUCKLES]
No, I haven't burned anything.
We found someone else.
Kendra just got back from Santorini,
so she's a little closer to the culture.
Good news.
You don't have to do
anything or even show up.
I got to run. Besitos.
Dad, you were right.
Natalia is a bucket crab.
Then do to her what I'ma
do to Danny tomorrow.
Crab his ass.
Oh, I will.
I'm going to show up loud and proud,
and I'm going to boil that crab
right out of her Jessica
Simpson ballet flats.
You know what?
Group text be damned.
I've got your back.
Let's go crabbing.
Take it easy, all right?
When we crab, it's courageous.
When you crab, it's racist.
Then I will quiet my
claw to amplify yours.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Hey.
Have you seen my guys? They
seem to have disappeared.
Huh, you can't find your guys?
How unprofessional.
I gave his employees some
of Mayan's spana-caca.
They'll be in the porta
potties all afternoon,
squeezing out a big fat Greek rrrt!
Bucket crabbing is so old-school.
- Shouldn't we break the cycle?
- You're right.
We'll cut the brakes
on his motorcycle next.
Hey, Danny, you know,
the elevator's broken.
Man, do you mind taking
these boxes marked "fragile"
- downstairs for me?
- Got it. I got it.
I got it.
- [OBJECTS SHATTERING]
- I still got it!
You messed with the dolly,
George, to make me look bad.
Or did I mess with it
to make myself look good?
Big mistake, Lopez.
What you gonna do? You gonna
try some of that "tai cheese" on me?
Hey.
I could kill a man four
ways with one finger.
You brought a finger to a crab fight?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Huh? Shouldn't I have
been dead six pokes ago?
Oh, it's like that, huh? Come on, then!
[GRUNTS] Oh.
Wow!
My little pony.
What the hell is going on here,
and why is George holding a weave?
- He sabotaged me.
- His ponytail's a clip-on.
Okay, that's it.
Group meeting right now.
That's a good idea, 'cause
I got a lot of questions.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Surprise, babosos, I lied.
There's no meeting.
I'm locking you two in
here until you figure out
how to stop pinching
and fingering each other.
Hey, take this.
You look weird without it.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
- Hello, Natalia.
- Oh.
- Gator nugget?
- Mmm.
Those are going to pair
nicely with my mole verde,
featured in "Latina"
magazine March 2016.
I bet Mayan was pretty relieved
she didn't have to come, huh?
Oh, no, she's coming.
And she is actually very
excited to share her heritage.
[DELINQUENT HABITS' "TRES DELINQUENTES]
♪
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
♪
I flex my brasos hard-core
down for the clicka' ♪
Who's that emanating
funk through the speaka' ♪
Bass gets to thumpin'
ruckas get to pumpin' ♪
Who's that rockin' got
the party start jumpin' ♪
[ENGINE REVVING]
Orale.
What's up, fools?
This Mexicana, Cubana, y Dominicana
is here to celebrate Culture Day.
[HIGH-PITCHED HOLLERING]
Mayan, you are mocking our
culture by being a stereotype.
Or am I celebrating it by being dope?
You're the stereotype, bucket crab.
You're the bucket crab.
You're blocking my booth
so no one can get to my mole
that America Ferrera
once called "not bad."
Take your mole off of my lowrider.
Take your lowrider
out of my culture fair.
I'm not moving my mole.
Fine.
I'll do it for you.
Holy mole!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
We wouldn't be trapped in here
if you didn't try to
sabotage me with that box.
That desk lamp almost
claimed my last toenail.
Hey, I-I didn't do that.
If I did, I would've
stayed to watch and laugh.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, there's a hatch.
We could stack these
boxes and climb out.
You know, I was going to say that.
Man, you steal everything.
You would steal my hair
from my head if you could.
Why can't you just let this go?
You don't understand.
I looked up to you.
Why couldn't you support another Latino
just trying to do something for himself?
Growing up, I thought the only way
to make it in the white man's
world is to keep our own down.
I can relate.
We all felt that there wasn't
enough opportunities for us,
so we all had to fight for that one.
But what has it led to?
We're just too old
crabs locked in a truck.
Let's start fresh.
Let me lift you up first.
No, no, no, no. You know what?
Let me lift you up. I insist.
- Okay.
- [GRUNTING]
Yeah, yeah. [GRUNTING]
I got you.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
Okay, great. Now help me up.
Once a bucket crab,
always a bucket crab!
I curse you, Danny Martinez!
I will dedicate my
life to ruining yours!
You will rue the day
[PANTING]
I just needed a minute
to find my machete.
Wow, man. You have changed.
Even your machete's smaller.
Hey, um
think I could try that ponytail on?
Oh, yeah.
It's so silky.
It's from the Ariana Grande Collection.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I'm sorry I ruined Culture Day.
I just licked mole off a lowrider.
This is the best day ever!
At least you got him to eat my mole.
My own son said it
looked like blended Shrek.
That's why I like Chance.
He appreciates what I do.
Thanks.
I like your kid, too.
He's really, um
I don't know who your kid is. I'm sorry.
Don't be. He's a biter.
I shouldn't have called
you a bucket crab.
When you called me Greek,
you hit my biggest insecurity
not feeling Latina enough.
I thought your biggest insecurity
was being a working mom
and not going to a lot of school events.
I have a lot of insecurities, okay?
Being a Latina is hard.
Add mom to that, and it can
just feel impossible sometimes.
You sure make it look easy, though.
[SCOFFS] I wish.
When you brought up Career Day,
it brought out my biggest insecurity
not having a career.
People think that stay-at-home moms
have no personality
outside of being a mom,
but I have a personality.
It's grating, but I have one.
Well, now that we
know what it feels like
to be on a Nickelodeon show,
can you finally add
me to the group text?
Are you sure?
It's mostly just Quinten bombarding
us with Andy Cohen GIFs.
Girl, he gave himself that title.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Oh, look, you two scuttled
out of your bucket.
I'm glad I locked you
both in that truck.
Why? Because we resolved all our issues?
No, because without you tontos,
we finished this move in record time.
Maybe the reason why you
two aren't more successful
isn't bucket crabbing.
It's that you're terrible at your jobs.
You know, maybe I should just
give up and sell tacos for a living.
I know I said you weren't
my mentee, but if you want,
I could show you the ropes.
Maybe one day, you can start
your own moving company.
Thanks.
I already know what
I'm going to call it.
MoMo-MovingCo.
It's too bad your name's not Stuart.
You could call it Stu-Stu-Stupido.
I'm getting so much
out of this mentorship.
Come on.