M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e21 Episode Script

Okay, sports fans, you ready for the next hand? My last hand was more like a foot.
[ Laughing .]
- I thought that was funny.
- When you're winning, rigor mortis is funny.
- How about UglyJohn? - He's been playing the same hand for the last hour.
-[ Trapper .]
Winning or losing? -[ Hawkeye .]
A little of each.
- Well, wake him up.
- No.
Forget it.
This is the first I've enjoyed him.
Open for five.
- Call.
- I'm in, Shorty.
Stop making fun of my height.
What height? You have no height to make fun of.
Go get some height.
We'll make fun of it.
Hold it.
Oh, he hears them again.
- Choppers! - Come on.
The war's back in the game.
Hey, mateys, look.
Ace-high flush.
That was two hours ago.
Those cats in the north really know how to break up a poker game.
They saved me money, but I hate their methods.
[ Trapper.]
Why don't we have a war sometime with blank ammunition? [ Hawkeye .]
We tried it.
No casualties, no fun.
There's too much chatter.
It's distracting.
- Especially if you don't know what you're doing.
- Pierce, do you mind? - We've got five more cases.
- Tell them there'll be an hour wait for a table.
Yeah, put them in the bar, sell them a drink.
Clamp.
Clamp.
I said clamp.
Clamp! Come on.
Move it! Here you go, Frank.
Clamp.
- Colonel Blake, did you see that? - Yeah.
He's a great hitter.
- But he's got a lousy arm.
- I don't need your help, Pierce.
Better check with your patient on that.
Psychologically, that kind of eating indicates hostility, - aggression.
- Destructiveness.
Why don't we get him to eat North Korea? What he doesn't finish, he can take home in a doggy bag.
- Do you mind? - Give it some thought.
Pierce, I want to ask you a question.
No, you may not borrow my fork.
Why do you find it necessary to make my life miserable in the O.
R.
? Mainly because you're so consistent.
Well, I'm just trying to do my job.
You screwed up today like you do every other day.
That's what I call consistent.
Well, would you mind telling me how I did? Frank, you're only dignifying him.
- Which is more than I would do for you.
- Well? You think you're the only one who's busy.
You asked for help three times today.
Three.
Give me some salt.
I can still taste this.
Then when you make a mistake, you're not smart enough to admit it and start over.
- We're not here to compensate for you.
- I'll buy that.
- Me too.
- Well, I don't buy it.
- Neither do I.
It's a tie.
Two against fifty.
You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting and dumb.
Wow.
And those are your good points.
You're also surgically incompetent.
- I- - I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff.
- Oh, this is outrageous.
- You keep out of this.
Where was I? - Surgically incompetent.
- Surgically incompetent.
Right.
And finally, you are a total and definitive pain in the gluteus maximus.
- Frank, did you hear that? - Would you like me to translate? You can't talk to me like that.
Not and get away with it.
What are you gonna do, eat me? Knock, knock, sir.
This better be important, Radar.
Uh, it's Major Houlihan, sir.
She's throwing a fit.
Then give her a distemper shot.
I've gotta get some sleep.
But she says if you don't come, she's gonna inform General Clayton.
Twenty thousand miles from home and I'm still aggravated by a woman.
Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control.
Well, what should I tell her, sir? You go right to Major Houlihan, you set your jaw firmly and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers and you tell her I'll be right there.
Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye? - Go away.
Colonel Blake wants to see you in his office right away.
Tell him I died and didn't leave a forwarding address.
- Hawkeye.
- Would you- So typical.
Colonel Blake calls you into his office and you chew him out.
You woke me out of one of the sexiest dreams of all time to discuss morale? Pierce, morale is important.
Absolutely.
But how can we discuss something we don't have? We don't have any because of your disruptive influence.
- I deny that.
- It's true.
In that case, I admit it.
The idea of reporting to your commanding officer wearing nothing but a robe.
Would you like me to take it off? Pierce, that ruckus you had with Frank has already spread through the whole outfit.
So what? Everybody already knows about old butterfingers.
That's not news.
Colonel, if he continues, I'm going to file a formal complaint.
And I'll file a countercomplaint against Burns' impersonating a surgeon and masquerading as a human being.
- He's impossible.
- See? Even she agrees.
Pierce, I want you to patch it up.
There's nothing to patch up, unless Frank's been operating again.
He wants you to apologize.
In public- the way you insulted him.
Apologize? Like, "I'm sorry, Frank.
You're a great guy and a fine surgeon"? If I tried to say that, my tongue would snap off its roller.
- Pierce- - People have to be warned that Frank Burns is dangerous with sharp instruments, like scalpels and probes.
Pierce, listen.
There is a war on.
Nothing gets by you, Henry.
See you in the funny papers.
Oh, boy.
This kid needs more than a new set of plugs.
Look at that.
- Iliac artery? - Yeah.
The lace curtain effect is done by a fragmentation grenade.
Give me some suction here.
Suction.
What's the score,John? Well, he's doing pretty well, considering what you're doing to him.
The bleeding seems to have stopped.
Let me have that bone-cutter.
Right.
Bone-cutter.
Anterior vertebral body is fractured.
- I'm gonna go in after that big fragment.
Forceps.
- Forceps.
Do you think he'll be paralyzed? Not if these ten fingers haven't lost their magic.
There we are, folks.
- "Made in U.
S.
A.
" - You're joking.
Just wanted to see if you were awake.
- Private Thompson? - You did him yesterday.
- Multiple fragment wounds, lacerated iliac artery.
- So what's his problem? Outside of the fact he ought to be back home with his girlfriend at the movies? Oh, he has a fever, abdominal pain, urinary output Pulse rate, 112.
Blood pressure, 110 over 70.
I've heard better news in my time.
- Hey.
- This is Dr.
Pierce.
He operated on you.
- Hi, Doc.
- How's it going? - Lousy.
- Well, that figures.
You were on the table a long time.
People were beginning to think we were going steady.
My gut hurts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
Don't run off and reenlist.
- What's his temperature? - Hundred and one.
- Oh, terrific.
- Hey, how about a little golf this afternoon? After the mortar barrage last night, we got a 19th and 20th hole.
No, I can't.
Start him on I.
V.
penicillin.
-He may be developing a wound infection.
-Right.
And I, uh, wanna get a blood count, so bring me the tubes right away, okay? - Yes, sir.
- Somebody double-cross you? Yeah, that kid over there.
Yesterday I repaired a hole in his iliac artery.
I removed a large fragment near his spinal cord.
Hmm.
Penetrate the dura? No, no.
And no sign of paralysis.
Hmm.
So what's the problem? Well, he's got a temperature of a hundred and one.
Well, that could be just a normal postoperative reaction.
Penicillin might bring him around.
Yeah, but "might" isn't good enough.
I wanna be sure of it.
- See you at the movies later? - What's playing? Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo Goes to College.
- I think I'll wait for the books to come out.
- Okay, it's your loss.
Hey.
Good luck with the kid.
[ Trapper .]
How's the chicken, Radar? It's beautiful.
Is that what it is? I think the same people who make the camouflage make the gravy.
Hey, how's Thompson? Still downhill.
White blood count 18,000.
Temperature up to 102.
- Hmm.
- He may be developing an abscess.
Isn't Thompson the boy we worked on together? - He's falling apart on me.
- I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
- Keep out of this, Frank.
- Well, what went wrong, Super Surgeon? Operating with one hand tied behind your back again? Hmm? Hey, Frank, why don't you let that cut under your nose heal? Just play kneesies with Big Mama.
Forget I'm here.
Why not give us the whole story? You shot your mouth off with no trouble here last night.
- Put a lid on it, Frank.
- Was it something you did or something you didn't do or something you forgot to do or, uh- - Get off me! - Last night I was Mr.
Screwup, remember? Dr.
Screwup.
And it still goes.
Oh, really? Well, I haven't killed anybody this week.
What about you, big shot? - [ Women Screaming .]
- Get him, Pierce! -[ Hot Lips .]
Stop it! Stop it! -[ Crashing .]
Stop it! - I'll kill him! - You'll have to kill me first.
That's the best offer I've had today.
We didn't need the bed, so I didn't disturb him.
Well, he didn't get back to the Swamp last night, so I figured he got a better offer.
- No such luck.
- You fell asleep.
No kidding.
I figured that when I woke up.
You often make house calls like this? Only for some patients.
Oh, patients.
Well, how he's doing? Last night's box score.
Oh, damn it.
He's not getting anywhere.
He's falling back in some ways.
All right, same orders, Lieutenant.
- Mm-hmm.
- No change.
- Keep a close watch on him.
I'll be back in a little while.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How's Thompson? - Is that the only question anyone can ask me? Well, what's wrong with that? It reminds me that I'm nowhere with that case, and it's driving me buggy.
- So please don't ask.
- Okay, I won't.
He's about the same.
How about some poker tonight? I got the missus to send me a check, made out to you, just to make things easier.
- I don't think so.
- You're no fun at all.
Go shower with the nurses! Ace-king, possible straight.
Pair of twos and a paregoric.
- I'll check to the ace-king.
- Likewise.
Five dollars.
I'm out.
I call.
- Last card.
- Down and dirty.
How much can I bet? Last card.
Twenty bucks.
Well, if I can only bet 20 bucks- Take it.
- What did you have? - I don't have to tell.
How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose? I didn't have anything, just ace-high, that's all.
- You didn't have a pair or a straight or anything? - No.
I threw away two tens! Who taught you to play poker? You did! Don't think you're going home when the war's over, 'cause you and I are staying right here in Korea until I get even.
Can't you guys do that somewhere else? Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else? I'm not doing anything.
Well, you can do that anywhere, can't ya? For crying out loud.
- Come on.
Deal.
- Okay, five-card draw,jacks or better.
- [ Radar.]
Sir? - Hmm? - Sir! - Oh, please, Mildred.
I've had a tough day.
No, it's Radar, sir.
- What's the matter? Have we got casualties? - Uh, no, sir.
I was wondering if you could look after this for me.
I just won 800 bucks in a poker game.
You woke me for that, Private O'Reilly? - Corporal, sir.
- Nothing is forever, Radar.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that I'm worried.
I'm afraid someone will rob me or the mice'll eat it.
You trying to tell me that you beat Captain Pierce playing poker? No, sir.
He moved out of the Swamp.
He didn't.
He's worried about this case of his not getting better.
Yeah.
Will you look after my money for me, sir? Yeah, only on the condition that you never wake me again.
Oh, it's a deal.
[ Whispering .]
I promise.
He really moved out of the Swamp? Yes, sir.
Yeah? [ Whispering .]
It's eight hundred and three dollars, exactly.
Right.
- [ Knocking .]
- Go away.
I gave at the office.
I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.
It's me, you rat.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
- What are you doing here? - Trying to think.
Well, why didn't you stay in the Swamp? I can't think in that place.
That place is an upholstered cesspool.
Between the bubbling of the still and the clicking of the poker chips, I'm losing what's left of the little mind I came here with.
- Lose your whistle? - It's Thursday.
-Well, it certainly seems like Thursday.
-We have a date.
I'm sorry.
Not this Thursday.
I got a case I just can't get out of my mind.
I'm not interested in your mind at all.
-[ Hawkeye .]
Honestly- - Knock, knock.
I, uh, whipped up a little lubricating oil for the old brain box.
- Trapper- - Is the, uh- Finding a new approach to the problem? - She was just leaving.
- Not on my account? No.
On mine.
Trap, thanks for the booze, but I really do wanna be alone.
[ Door Opens .]
What's going on here? Just because I want some privacy, there's everything in here but the kitchen sink.
- What's in there? - A kitchen sink, sir.
- Out! Out! Excuse me.
- If you say so.
Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo Goes to College? - No.
- Why don't we both miss 'em together? You young people just run along.
I'll bring you some coffee later.
- [ Knocking .]
- There is absolutely no one here! Um, Pierce, I wanna talk to you.
Just take a number and sit down, Henry.
Although I rather you didn't.
I keep telling everybody I wanna be alone.
I don't mind talking to you, Henry, but wherever you are, Radar's sure to follow.
Well, he's at the movies.
We won't be interrupted.
What you don't seem to understand is that you are already interrupting.
- Then I'll say it fast.
- Start.
Look, you're losing your perspective.
You've got your guts in a knot because one patient has gone sour.
In an outfit like this, that's bad.
- I don't buy that.
- You don't buy it because you're dedicated.
- Well, shouldn't I be? - Depends.
On whether you're dedicated to your patient or your ego.
Henry, don't try to practice psychiatry.
It always gives you a headache.
Colonel Blake? Did I tell you? The sun came up and your three-foot shadow appeared.
- Sir? - Radar, whatever it is, it can wait.
- Sir, could you just sign these, please? - Can't these wait? Henry, sign it.
It's so next week we can get Love Life of a Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo.
- What would you take to desert? - I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
But not before I tell you to give up the luxury of trying to be Dr.
Perfect in this G.
I.
butcher shop.
You know, you can save that luxury for when you go back home to your private practice where you can pick the kind of patients that won't go sour on you.
- Do you know something, Henry? - What? You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Thanks.
- You know something, Pierce? - What? You're disgusting when you try to be nice.
See you around.
[ Sighs .]
Captain Pierce.
Taking to cruising the compound, Major? Can't you put your hostility aside for one minute? Oh, all right.
I'll stack it on top of my anger.
- I've been thinking about Thompson.
- Welcome to the club.
Sort of going over it in my mind, and- Well, is it possible you missed something? I'm not trying to be a wise guy.
That I missed something is not exactly a new thought.
But what? There were an awful lot of fragments.
You couldn't account for every one of them.
I thought I did.
Look, there could've been more damage, but where? Could it have nicked the small intestine? Impossible.
I couldn't have missed that.
I ran the- I ran the bowel before I closed him up.
- What about- What about the- - No.
Come on.
Look.
You were just assisting.
I ran the controls.
I ought to know.
Well, you obviously don't.
Well, I'll just hang a diploma in the latrine and open a hot dog stand.
Good night, Major.
Good night.
Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey, wake up! Come on! Wake up! Let's go! Open the door! - What's the matter? - I'm opening him up again.
- What? - You're going to assist me.
- Wait till I get some clothes on.
- Later.
Wake up UglyJohn.
Get somebody to prep Thompson.
Come on.
Move.
- Can't it wait till morning? - I said now.
Move! - [ Gasps .]
- Sorry, Frank.
- Let me have some suction here.
- Suction.
- Give me a lap sponge.
- Lap sponge.
- Anything? - Not yet.
Pick up some scissors.
- These okay? - Yeah, fine.
- How's he doing? - Pretty good.
But don't muck about.
He's got a high fever.
Right, Doctor.
Lap sponge.
Sponge.
Bingo.
The shrapnel tore the back of his sigmoid colon.
- That has to be it.
- Anybody could've missed that.
Thanks, Frank.
Okay, let's close him up.
I'm so glad, Hawkeye.
- You know something, Major? - What's that? You're beautiful when you sweat.
What do you mean, this is no longer my bunk? Now, wait a minute, pal.
You spent two nights away, and this Captain Phillips moved in.
- That's it.
- Hey, Trap.
You're talking to one of the founding fathers.
I named this dump.
I threw the first load of garbage on the floor.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, my butt.
Lafayette, I am here.
Hey, you know something? When I see you sitting there like that in your favorite chair, with a glass of raw spirits in your hand, thinking evil thoughts, I can't throw you out.
If you kiss me, I'll throw up.