Melissa & Joey s01e21 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Yes, I've been holding for quite a while, so if you could just tell me Why I'm on hold again.
I hate you! Ooh, Celine Dion.
Aunt Mel, the editor of the school literary blog got expelled for drug possession.
Isn't that, like, the best news ever? Yeah, his parents must be so proud.
Okay, yeah, that's sad.
But the good news is is Mr.
Sahamtoub is going to have to pick someone to replace him.
So who? Roman Maizes, the self-important jerk who calls me tree-huggin' Barbie? Patty who spits when she talks? Pothead 1? Pothead 2? Nuh-uh.
What happened to Pothead 3? Did he graduate? I'm the only qualified editor left.
I'm gonna storm the barricades.
I'm gonna put that blog back into the hands of the people where it belongs.
Plus I am totally getting rid of those stupid horoscopes.
Oh my gosh, you are such a libra! - Hello? - Oh.
Hi.
Hello again, hi.
Okay, so my question is, for $1,500 how many guys do I get? Because I really need, like, two or three.
One guy is not gonna take care of me all night.
Yeah.
Yeah, Friday the 14th.
Okay, great.
I'll get back to you.
Jeez, Burke, I didn't realize your dating life had deteriorated so bad you need to hire an escort service.
Oh, Hardy har har.
No, I'm hiring a caterer.
Yeah, they'll dress up however you want, I hear.
I'm hosting a reception for the grant winners of the Toledo Small Business Association.
Oh well, if you're having it here and you're paying 1,500 bucks, I'll take the job.
And why would I give you the job instead of, oh I don't know, like a real caterer? Several reasons, all right? Number one; As a cost-conscious businessman I can make your $1,500 taste like $5,000.
- Mm-hmm.
- And numbers two, three, four and five; My ziti, my caprese, my pommes frites and my killer squash blossoms.
- I'll start on the menu.
- I didn't offer you the job.
Ah, you're welcome.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
Hey, Ryder, what are you doing with these? Joe hired me as a waiter.
What happened to the pigs in blankets? There are no pigs.
They were delicious.
Oh, so there is one pig.
Nothing in a blanket? I've been out of the financial world for a while.
I needed a little break, but I'd be interested in consulting again if the right opportunity presented itself.
So I can reach you at this number anytime? - Yes.
Yes, you can.
- "Joe Longo.
" Hey, weren't you involved in that big Scanlon Ponzi scheme? My mom took a bath on that.
She lives with me now.
Nice talking to you.
Oh hi.
Uh, no one ordered pizza here.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'd love a slice.
No, I'm one of the business grant winners.
Wow, I should've worn my cocktail helmet.
I had no idea this councilman Mel Burke guy was holding such a formal affair.
Uh, councilman? Yeah, which one of these stuffed shirts is he? Well, can't you tell just by looking? I mean, since the councilman is obviously some old white guy? Well, clearly I'm underdressed for this.
No.
Are you kidding me? You've got those supercool clips on your pants.
Oh yeah.
You think it's safe to take off the flashing lights? Oh, hang on.
Wait till this truck passes.
- Okay, you're good.
- Okay.
You know, I was so focused on getting here on time that I completely forgot to put on a tie.
And by "put on" I mean "buy.
" Well, I think we can get you a loaner.
Come here.
No.
Nope.
Oh, here.
- Yeah, this one'll work.
- Thanks.
Here's a hint; It goes around your neck.
I live a relatively tie-free life.
Could you show me how to do it properly? Oh, a man who likes to be told how to do something? You should be studied by scientists.
I'm hoping you're a scientist.
Well, I experimented in college.
- So show me how to do it.
- Okay.
Here we go.
So you take the fat end-- goes around the skinny end two times.
Then you bring it up and through.
And then you go back down through the rabbit hole.
See? I didn't know there was a rabbit hole.
Ah.
All right, there.
Ah, you look very distinguished.
So we can fool 'em.
Ahem, excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
Burke, do you think it's appropriate for the host to be down here in my room playing dress-up? Burke? You're Councilman Burke? Yep, I'm the old stuffed shirt.
Well, in my case stuffed bra.
Not for real.
I mean, it's just a funny joke.
Oh, Joe Longo, this is, uh-- this is, uh-- he will now tell us.
George Karpelos Jr.
- All right if I call you junior? - Well, nobody does.
Well, junior, you're wearing my favorite tie.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Nope, it's okay.
- This was all my idea.
- That goes without saying.
I told you before, Burke-- keep your hands out of my drawers.
All right, thanks for the image, Longo.
Hey, you don't fold a Pancaldi.
You roll it, starting with the narrow end.
Why do I even bother? You put sweaters on hangers.
You're not supposed to put sweaters on hangers? Beats me.
No puke on the floor.
No alcohol poisoning.
No broken glass in my hair.
I mean, nothing like high school, but somehow it was still a fun party.
Did you enjoy yourself? It wasn't about enjoyment tonight, Burke.
It was about business.
I made $1,500 and some very important contacts.
Oh really? Miss blue dress was an important contact? Look who's talking.
I wasn't the one downstairs in the basement playing spin the baby bottle with junior.
Are you accusing me of being some sort of cradle robber? Burke, he's still got that little soft spot on the back of his head.
- And you're, what, 33? - Uh, not for 275 days.
What? I have a birthday app on my phone.
Doesn't matter anyway.
He left without asking for my number, so he must not be interested.
Nah, junior just probably had to race home before his curfew.
Hey.
Sorry, I know it's really really late, but I got halfway home and realized that I had forgotten something here.
- Oh, what did you forget? - To get your phone number.
Oh, what do you know? - It turns out I've got it right here.
- Great.
So I'll call you and, um, we can talk.
Well, it looks to me like we're talking right now.
Oh yeah.
You know how I can tell? - Your lips are moving.
- And so are yours.
We may yet have puke on the carpet.
So were you in India as part of your ski-bum-around- the-world phase? No, that was actually during my Rhodes-scholarship phase.
Seriously? What, a guy can't be a Rhodes scholar and a ski instructor and a recycling enthusiast? No, he totally can be.
It's just he's usually not the guy talking to me.
So to answer your question, - I was in Thailand-- - Ah, drug holiday? - Peace Corps.
- Of course.
And I was just so upset by the trash in the street-- you know, the plastic bags, the bottles.
It just ate away at me.
Ooh, could have been parasites.
You know, once I drank this Thai cocktail and I thought, you know, you're supposed to eat the worm.
Turns out, no.
So I educated myself on the recycling process and-- boom.
- Ecofleece was born.
- Wow, that's amazing.
I mean, you've had so many adventures all over the world at such a young age.
You know, the age that you are.
Whatever age that is.
Yeah, I guess.
But you-- you're an elected government official.
You must be the youngest councilwoman ever.
How old are you? Like 27, 28? - 20-- - Stop.
No, seriously, stop.
Yeah, I'm 28.
- Good morning, Mr.
Sahamtoub.
- That is a matter of opinion.
Did you wake up this morning with a throbbing migraine - that made you want to run into traffic? - Um, no.
But I'm ready and eager to get going on the blog, seeing as you need a new editor and all.
You are not the only one who wants the editor position, miss Scanlon.
Yeah, but I'm the only one anyone likes.
I don't like you.
Frankly, I don't like any of you.
Ah, here is the other candidate.
Roman Maizes? My little radical pony, you look extra angry today.
Because I'm looking at you.
Enough.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty.
Maizes, why should you be the new editor? Because I'm gonna bring standards back to "The Grant Rant"-- - And ram them down everyone's throat.
- That's the plan.
"The Grant Rant" should be a public forum where anyone can say anything about anyone.
Then you should be editor of the bathroom wall.
Zip it.
I want each of you to show me what you've got blogwise.
You have 24 hours to create a sample.
That's not fair.
Only 24 hours? I did not hear Jack Bauer whimpering about it.
Clock's running.
Tick tick.
Jack Bauer would have already killed three people.
Hey.
Well, let's see.
Um, it's the girl scouts who sell the cookies, so you must be selling tickets for the scouts' annual pancake breakfast.
Yeah.
If I sell 100 more tickets, I win a cap gun.
- Okay if I come in? - Yeah sure, come on in.
Mel's not here though, you know? Because this is the time of day when grown-ups are at work.
I'm actually here to see you.
Mel spoke so highly of your business acumen when we had dinner the other night.
She spoke highly of me? What, was she drinking? - Oh yeah-- tequila.
- I see.
Anyway, I was just hoping I can get your input on my recycled fabric business-- just finding investors and stuff.
Let's take a look at your business plan.
Clearly you've put a lot of time into presentation.
It's not just about the razzle-dazzle though, you know? Sorry.
Organization isn't my strong suit, but the idea is solid.
See, look.
Recycle the plastic bottles into a lightweight thread.
That's not bad.
Original product.
It's clean and green.
That should attract a lot of buyers.
But nothing sells anything better than a face-to-face meeting, not even this napkin from Chili's.
Had the wings, did you? Okay, face to face-- I can do that.
Yeah? You sure you got the passion to do that? Rent a car, drive around the country, shake some hands? - Well, uh, I can't do that.
- Can't shake hands? What, you got a germ thing? No no, I can't rent a car.
I'm only 24.
That is really really young.
Did I just say wow? I meant holy crap.
All right, I'll figure out the transportation thing.
How do I weed out the bad leads from the right contacts? you're still growing.
It's-- I'm sorry.
I just need a minute for that to sink in.
Okay, I'm good.
Can I get you a drink? - Okay.
Got milk? - Ah, all right, you got me.
No, I'd really like some milk.
Wow! Okay.
Milk coming right up.
You want that in a sippy cup or a big boy cup? - Hey.
- Hey.
So, um, interesting news today.
Oh, look, that whole thing was overblown, okay? The mayor was just giving that hitchhiker a ride when she-- well, technically he-- passed out in his lap.
- I meant news about your friend junior.
- George? No, junior, as in several years your junior.
Okay, look, I know he's a little young for me.
He's 24, Burke.
He told me.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- That's a pretty big age gap.
- Well, it's only four years.
- How do you figure that? - I told him I was 28.
- You're not 28.
- Age is just a number.
Yeah when you lie about it.
Why do you care so much anyway? Because I just don't wanna see you get hurt, that's all.
I mean, you guys are at totally different points in your lives, you know? I mean, you're raising kids, he is a kid.
He's got two roommates, you've got two frown lines.
Hey! I'm just saying he probably still gets carded at bars.
Well, I get carded sometimes.
Yeah, but that's like a pity card.
I hope that karaoke bowling wasn't too silly for you.
No.
Are you kidding? I love the bowlioke.
I mean, I got two strikes and I hit the high note in "My heart will go on.
" Almost hit it.
You were dangerously close.
I gotta be honest-- I'm falling pretty hard for you, Mel Burke.
- George, listen-- - Uh-oh, was that too aggressive? - Was it too much tongue? - No no no no no.
Don't change the tongue.
Maybe we should have this conversation inside.
If this is about my body spray, I can change it.
I got a free sample in the mail.
I'm not attached to it at all.
No no no no no, you're fine, but you're probably gonna bolt when you hear this.
Um I'm not exactly 28.
- Oh? - Yep.
All right, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm 30.
- Do I hear 33? - No no no, that's it.
I'm-- I'm 32.
- So what do you think? - I think you're awesome.
- I'm eight years older than you.
- Also good at math.
- So the age difference doesn't bother you? - Are you kidding? If this is you at 32, I can't wait to see you at 40.
I can wait.
I can wait.
Oh hey, this is great.
A friend of mine owns a ski lodge and he's willing to let us in a couple of hours before opening.
Saturday morning we can have the entire mountain to ourselves.
It'll be romantic.
I wish I could, but I gotta take Ryder to a soccer game.
I promise you'll have fun.
I'm sure I would, George, but I have responsibilities.
You know, it's the end of the season and coach thinks Ryder may actually get off the bench.
I understand.
No pressure.
Why don't you just sleep on it and I'll be back here first thing Saturday morning, suited up, ready to do some boarding with my snow bunny? I wanna be a bunny.
- What the hell is that? - Music-- a little sitar.
Okay, this is a literary blog.
There is no music.
Uh, a blog can be whatever it wants to be.
Well, then let's just make a little slumber party chat room.
- What is that music? - Oh, it's a native Punjabi folk song.
Ah, the music of my childhood.
I was beaten.
Turn it off.
What brazen and slightly racist ass-kissing.
I have read both of your sample blogs.
And congratulations, Lennox.
You are the new editor.
Ha! I mean nice try.
And congratulations, Roman.
You are the new editor.
Ha! And I mean ha! Wait, what? Which one of us is the editor? Yes.
You're both co-editors.
- But I can't work with him.
- Yeah, and she's impossible.
As I was hoping.
I expect literary violence.
Let the blog beatdown begin.
Who's winning-- the blue guys or the red guys? Oh, the you-couldn't- care-less guys.
- What is it? - It's about George.
I've been wrestling with this for hours and it's like, you know, we're just at different points in our lives.
Wait a minute.
What? Do you have a hearing problem? Like, when I say those exact same words, are your ears unable to pick up the frequency of my voice? If only.
No, it just struck me.
Well, I've been striking you for days, yes! I'm raising two kids and furthering my career, and he's still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
Are you-- are you kidding me right now? This is exactly what I've been saying to you.
He wants me to be a snow bunny, but I have to be a responsible guardian and city official, you know? We just-- we don't have the same goals right now.
There's like a big blonde echo in here.
Yes yes.
You're at totally different points in your lives.
It's just not a good idea to date somebody that much younger than you.
It never works out, and besides that, honestly it just looks weird.
- Hey, Joe! - Hey! How are you doing? How are you? Mm, it's good to see you.
Joe, who is your delightful young lady friend? - Miss Teen Toledo? - Oh, this is Mandy.
She was at the small business entrepreneurs night.
Oh yes, I remember you.
- Blue dress-- baby blue dress.
- Yeah.
- I'm a little early.
- Eight years early.
Oh-- You are so funny.
Hey, Joe, have you seen my funny hat with the pom-poms? Yeah.
I burned it for your own good.
Wow, a little overdressed for Ryder's soccer game, aren't you? What is it, an away game in Antarctica? Ryder is carpooling to soccer with Julio's mother and I am going out for a romantic day on the slopes with George.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
What happened to the conversation we had last night? Let me just recap it for you.
I said, "Mel, you really need to dump George.
" And you said, "Joe, you make a lot of sense.
You are absolutely right.
" That doesn't sound like anything I'd ever say.
Are you doing this because I went out with Mandy last night? Believe it or not, Joe, every decision I make does not revolve around who you babysit.
Look, do you know what this is? - Your face? - No.
This is my fake smile, okay? I spend hours and hours every day making this big fake smile while I close deals for the city, raise money for the booster club or convince principals not to kick kids out of school.
Now look.
Do you know what this is? I was just gonna go with your face again.
So why don't you tell me? This is my real smile-- a genuine smile.
This is what I get when I think of George.
Last night I realized I had nearly forgotten what that was like.
But now that I've got it again, I don't wanna lose it.
Sometimes I have to be a responsible city councilwoman and sometimes I can be a snow bunny.
- So today's bunny day? - Hell yeah! What do you know, your paperboy's here.
- Hey there.
- Hello.
- Hey, you're not dressed for the slopes.
- I know.
I thought about what you said yesterday about your responsibilities.
And you know what? If you have to take Ryder to his soccer game, then I'm gonna go with you because I just wanna be with you, wherever that is.
- You'd do that for me? - Of course.
And you'd do this for me? Okay.
Sorry about that.
- You look awfully hot.
- Oh yeah, I've got a few layers on.
No, I mean you look hot, as in amazing.
Oh.
Well, then I should go take this off - before I overheat.
- And I'd better help you do that.
Oh.
What about Ryder's soccer game? Twenty minutes.
Make some sandwiches.
And that's when Mike Ferdy charged the goal and I wound up with his cleats in my cup.
Mm, sorry about that, buddy.
What was the final score? I don't know.
I was in and out of consciousness until the pizza.
Ah, look who's home.
- How was skiing? - Oh, it was fantastic, exhilarating! I felt like I was 24, which I'm not - and I'm okay with that.
- She even did the black diamond run.
Oh, I wouldn't say I did the black diamond run as much as I fell down the black diamond run.
Do we have any ice packs? - Oh yeah, cleats.
- I'll get you some.
See ya, buddy.
Look at you.
You're glowing.
Yeah.
I think I got a little windburn.
No, I mean you look really happy.
Yeah? Well, I am.
I really really am.
You know, there's nothing else I need in my life right now.
- I made soup.
You want-- - Oh, I would love some soup.
- And crackers.
- Okay.
George, you take my advice seriously, right? - Oh, absolutely.
- Good.
Look, you gotta be all in on this deal, okay? You gotta be committed.
People who invest in you are expecting a return.
Are we talking about the business or Mel? All of it.
Well, I'm in it 100%, Joe.
All right.
- Ah, thanks.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna head upstairs and take a hot bath.
Race ya.
- She meant you, buddy.
- Yeah.