Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e21 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( knocking ) Hello? Are you dressed, honey? MORK: Just my shorts, jockey.
Hi.
Oh, hello, dear.
Are you ready? Well, I want you to know that I am not looking forward to this weekend.
Oh, I'm with you.
I'd rather have my nose pierced.
I agree, but it's an obligation.
Yeah, well, I haven't even told Mork yet.
I feel so bad about running off and leaving him stranded for the whole weekend.
It's a long way to Alpha Centauri ( loud beep ) Yep.
It's me, the Doug Henning of the skycaps.
Let's go.
Let's take off.
Let's move it.
Come on now.
Hit the road, Jack Don't come back no more, no more.
Yeah, Mork, uh, Durango is a long, unpleasant drive from here.
Now you don't want to go there, do you? My kind of town Durango is my No, no, Mork, no, it's a windy, twisty, carsicky trip.
You wouldn't like it.
Are you kidding? I'll love it.
It's my first car trip here on Earth.
Please, you know, I stayed up all last night and look, I have my instamatic glove and I have a whole thumb load full of film.
Since I heard you were taking a trip to Durango last night I'm sorry I eavesdropped, but since Watergate, anything's free.
Look, I made plans.
I bought these silly clothes.
I even made a map.
See this.
Wait.
It's topographical and scratch-and-smell.
There's L.
A.
Whoo, bad news.
Over here look at this.
We'll start out from Boulder then we'll go a little bit out of the way to the Grand Canyon, ( echoes ): canyon, canyon We'll go over here to New York.
We'll spend autumn in New York.
Then we'll drive over to Paris, spend spring in Paris, watch the leaves change, then we'll go to Iran and watch the governments change.
Mork.
Shah, shah, Ayatollah you so.
Shah-shah Mork you can't go.
Do my eyes deceive my ears? Wait, you must be pulling my krebits.
Mork, it's a family problem.
Uncle Jack is sick.
A drunken mime? No, believe me, you don't want to go.
Uncle Jack is a little strange.
I've never liked him since he spit on me.
Why did he do that? Well, it was years ago.
I had his tie.
What were you doing with his tie? Well, I was pulling it, tighter and tighter.
I had him a lovely shade of purple.
FRED: He had it coming.
He was drunk.
Yeah.
See, it's a sickness and he wants to get better, so he checked himself into a hospital.
His wife asked us to come down and give him a little moral support.
Yeah, so now that we've explained, do you understand? Hey, listen, you're talking to Mork the Compassionate.
I was almost a saint.
Tell you what, we'll leave out the Grand Canyon.
That way, we can be with Uncle Jack by Happy Hour.
Mork, you can't go.
Really, it's just a family matter.
Anyway, he'd be embarrassed to have a perfect stranger see him like this.
That's all right.
I'm a sensitive life-form.
I'm not some Venusian paramecium that was evolved yesterday, you know.
( fake chuckle ) You'll be all right here alone for the weekend, won't you? Sure, sure, why wouldn't I? Well, you haven't been alone for any period of time since you've been here.
Hey, Mindy, let me lay out some hard, cold facts.
I'm the type of guy who's my own best friend.
I'm interesting, I'm amazing.
I can hold interesting conversations even with Tom Snyder.
Are you ever bored when you're alone with me? No, but Neither am I.
Same guy, same amazing personality.
I think what Mindy's trying to say is, when you get used to being around somebody, it's kind of difficult when they're gone.
Hey, we're not talking a lifetime, we're talking a weekend.
Two days.
Come on now, 48 hours.
Couple of thousand minutes, some seconds there.
Hey, you know, I know some Alpha Centurians that spend that much time just taking a coffee break.
Of course, they drink out of hundred-gallon mugs, but You know, I think we really should be going.
Good-bye, Mork.
Yeah, you kids get outta here.
Come on, before I kick you out.
Take a hike.
Come on, get out.
Well, then I'll see you Sunday night.
Ciao.
Have a fantastic time.
And, hey, don't worry about me, because I've got thousands of things to do.
I'm going to build that nuclear reactor for the hot tub you've been wanting for a long time.
Okay.
Take care.
All right, bye.
Bye.
( sighs ) I'm so stinking bored! MORK ( sings ): One more bottle of beer on the wall One more bottle of beer If one of those bottles should happen to fall One more time! A million bottles of beer on the wall A million bottles of beer If one of those I can't sing that song anymore.
Ten times is enough.
I almost know it by heart.
Let's see how many points.
Ah, only two points against me.
Er She's only been gone 24 hours, and I'm going crazy.
What do you think? Hey, don't look at me like that.
At least, you can do yoga.
What can I do? Bickley's out of town.
Susan Taylor's visiting the Broncos.
Shazbot! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! They can't fool me.
Wait, a cure, a remedy.
Wait, here we go.
Uh ( high-pitched beeps ) Hello, Bob.
Oh, glad I caught you at home.
Hi.
How are you? Great, great, good to hear that.
Bob, how's the little woman? Fantastic, fantastic.
Hey, Bob, the reason I called What? Mork.
No, no, no, you don't know me.
Yeah, I just picked your name out of the book.
Yeah, I thought with a name like Bob Lipschultz you've got to be a fun kind of guy.
Bob, how about you and I getting together? What? Bob? Bad connection.
I guess it just hit me.
I didn't realize it till now that I'm a people junkie.
Need a conversation fix.
Can you spare a word, man? "No, I can't.
" Shut up, give me a chance.
I need a fix real bad.
I got to talk to someone.
I really do.
( chuckles nervously ) Yes, I do! Talk to someone.
Is there anybody? Is anybody out there? Hey, you! Yeah, changing the tire on the semi.
Yeah, with the tattoo on your face.
How are you? Want to be my friend? Hey, wait.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't! Oh, an insurance salesman.
Whoa, nice throw! You can get a job in front of any American Embassy in the world.
MAN: Hey, you two, what's all the noise? Bicky, is that you? Yeah, and I want the both of you to shut up.
No, no, no, wait! Don't! ( glass breaks ) Mork, I want to talk to you.
Be right down.
Hey, big fella, you forgot your rock.
Here you go, catch.
( soft thud ) Whoa, nice stop, right in the middle of tattoo.
Have a nice nap.
( knocking ) Come in.
Bicky.
Look at that.
Wow, parallel universe.
Same thing happened to me.
You pea-brain.
What's the big idea of getting that walking tree trunk mad at you? I didn't mean to make him mad at me.
I just wanted to have a friend.
Mork, you're such a babe in the woods.
There are certain things you never do in this world if you want to stay in this world.
For example, never gargle with crazy glue.
( low ): Never gargle with crazy glue.
Never tap-dance in a minefield.
All right.
No "Tea for Two" or ( imitates explosion ) And never chide a man with a tattoo on his face even if he's dead.
No dead tattoos.
I didn't mean to.
It was just that I was bored and lonely.
Can't you think of a time when you were bored and lonely? I can't think of a time when I wasn't bored.
No, I take that back.
I was once hit by lightning.
I wasn't bored when I was in a coma.
Oh, come on, things can't always be that bad.
Sure they can, kid.
When my wife and I got divorced, part of the settlement was that she got to keep our friends.
We'll make new friends for you.
Tell you what.
We'll go out tonight.
We'll have a swell time.
We'll paint the town pink.
And do what? Well, we Oh, we can go to a movie.
Tell you what, we'll check the listings here and see what's playing.
Let's see.
Oh, here's a great double bill: Born Free and Women in Chains.
A movie? Out of the question.
I never go any place where my feet stick to the floor.
All right.
Here are some self-improvement courses.
Let's see, there's a speed-reading course at the university from 8:00 to 8:05.
Forget it.
Wait! Here's an ESP course.
Strange, it doesn't give the address.
Look, I don't want to go to any crummy movies or scuzzy meetings.
Well, let's see what Wait, wait, here's a wonderful thing.
This is a restaurant.
Let's see.
"Harry's Girls and Grill.
Topless, bottomless, backless, frontless.
" Doesn't sound like they give you very much to eat.
I don't want to meet anybody and I don't want to go out.
Nothing you can say will make me change my mind.
Wait, wait.
Here's a great place.
"Mother Bell's.
Opens at 8:00.
" It's just a bar.
First drink's free.
Meet me here at 7:30.
( indistinct chatter ) ( phone buzzes ) ( phone buzzes ) ( piano playing "Just the Way You Are" ) Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I knew I shouldn't have come out tonight If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have been in the car.
And if you hadn't seen that chipmunk, I never would have swerved to avoid it.
It was exciting, wasn't it? Exciting? You call taking off a parked car's door exciting? It was for the sheriff sitting in the car.
Did you see the look on his face "What the?" The silly fool was still trying to roll up the window and it was on its way to Cheyenne.
What was he doing in that car anyway? He was escorting that big black limousine in front of him.
Oh, the one we crashed into.
Yeah, the same.
Well, it's not your fault.
Listen, you swerved to avoid that squirrel.
You tell that to any judge in the country, and he'll believe you.
( chuckles ): Oh, really? What makes you think the judge would take my word over the governor's? Ah, good point.
There's a yin and yang to everything.
Here's the yin: if that car hadn't been there, we would have gone over the cliff.
The yang was the governor's car went over the cliff.
Boy, was he mad.
Well, not as mad as if he'd been in the car.
Excuse me.
Are you boys new? No, actually he's about 45, 46; I'm kind of ageless.
She means is this our first time here.
The answer is yes.
Well, it's Mother Bell's policy to buy new customers their first drink.
Paper parasols? I didn't know we were in Little Tokyo.
There's no theater like an old theater I don't want any fruity drinks.
Bring me a bourbon and water, and hold the water.
Well, bring me a Shirley Temple, and hold the curls; I don't want a hair ball.
Excuse me, miss, uh, tell me, what are these telephones for? They're all over the place.
To call people.
You can call anyone in this room.
This is a very friendly place.
See? I told you.
Don't I pick good places, huh? Didn't I do well, right? You bubblehead! This isn't just a bar; it's a pickup joint.
( phone buzzes ) A what? Oh.
Pick up the phone.
( honking bark ) Hello.
Well, I don't think I have one of those.
Maybe my friend does.
Well, if that was true, I'd have to be eight feet tall.
Give me that.
Don't you realize this is a swinging singles bar? And that kicks it, I'm going home.
No, wait! Come on, Bick.
It's time to flick.
Let's go! Listen, come on, Bickley, you said you wanted to come here because you were lonely and bored, and look at all these people.
They must've come here 'cause they were lonely and bored.
Mork, you don't understand.
I've never felt comfortable meeting people.
I never could do it.
I always felt as though I was in over my head, and right now, I feel very uncomfortable, and I'd like to go home.
Hi.
Would you boys mind if we joined you? You know, I never did get my bourbon.
I'm Lisa, and this is Penny.
Hi.
Oh, a Penny for my thoughts.
Heads or tails.
( honking bark ) Just watch those thoughts because this is my daughter.
Mother and da-da- daw-daw-daw-daw a little kid.
Yeah.
Well, the family that plays together stays together.
Oh.
It's not like that at all.
Look, Mom just got into town, and I wanted to take her out, so we came here.
I had no idea this was a a swinger's bar.
No.
And, you see, what's happened is that there are two fellas over there, and they've been, um, well, you know, looking at us.
Oh, you mean those two guys that look like the history of leather.
( both laughing ) Well put.
Look, we figured I mean, if you fellas wouldn't mind that we'd pretend that you were our dates so they'd leave us alone.
Is that okay? Well, sure, um, I guess so.
My name is Mork.
Nana-nanu.
And this is Bickley.
Bickley, would you like them to be our dates? ( stammering ): Absowubely.
Ahb dowms Uh, uh, uh, bourbon! Uh well, uh, do you fellas come here very often? No, this is our first time.
We're just kind of bored and lonely guys looking for meaningful life in this existence.
But now you've given us some meaning, and Bickley, is this what Earth's all about? No.
No.
This is our first time here.
PENNY: Uh what's your sign? Ah, Nefarious, with egg rising.
( laughing ) And, uh, where do you live? Oh, right here in Boulder.
Libra.
I'm a Libra.
Libra.
I can't believe this is happening.
Neither can I.
If the fruity drink lady comes by again, would you like us to get you something? Oh, thanks, but we've imposed enough.
BICKLEY: Boulder.
I live in Boulder.
This is great! Just great! LISA: Listen, um you know those two fellas um, they're staring at us again.
Whoa.
Bang-bang.
Uh, those guys give me the creeps.
Look, why don't we go somewhere else, and we'll buy you guys a drink.
Good idea.
Hey, that sounds fantastic.
Anything not to be bored and lonely again.
Whoa, thank you.
Hey, why don't we buy you two girls a drink? Waitress, could we have those two freebie drinks back again? You know, the fruit- and-umbrella numbers? Boy, you can't believe what we fell into here.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Uh Scratch that.
My greedy neighbor just ran off with my mother and daughter.
( phone buzzes ) Keep it.
Bick, Bick, what's keeping you? Come on, you got to get going.
The girls are ready to go, and you'll never guess what happened.
They want to take us to a house.
You'll never guess whose house.
Not theirs? Close.
Yours! Oh! Let's go.
( talking and laughing ) Oh! Will you look at this.
Now, isn't this nice.
Yes, it's darling.
See? Isn't it nice to have friends over? It's wonderful! See, Mr.
Bickley's not used to having people over.
Well, he's kind of a grouch, but we're trying to help him through it.
Yeah, last February I almost grinned.
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.
( laughing ) Whoa Well, now that we're here, let's get down to a really good game of Parcheesi.
Would you mind if we powder our nose first? Oh, gladly, but just don't use gunpowder or you'll visit your head in Utah.
Thanks for the advice.
( honking bark ) Where is it? It's right through there, just across from the bedroom.
Fine.
Thank you.
Come on, honey.
Yeah, that yeah, right Oh, Mork, this is impossible to believe.
Never in my entire life have I ever picked up a girl before.
I was always afraid to try.
But, you know, it's not so hard once you give it a try.
All it takes is a little self-assertion.
( laughs ) 'Cause, if you got it, you got it.
You got it, and we want it.
What was it? What is it? A stickup.
LISA: All right, Oh come on, everybody up, up, up.
Hands up in the air.
I don't want to have to scatter you all around the room.
Can't you point that thing the other way? No.
It wouldn't have the same impact.
Now, come on, empty your pockets on the table.
Come on.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Matchmaker! Well, at least we're not bored anymore.
Miss, I hope you don't think I'm rude, but I think your mother's teaching you some bad habits.
Yeah, well, just think of it as charity.
I'd hardly ever donate my watch to charity.
( car horn honks ) Okay, come on, that's Mark with the car.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Okay.
Well, that should slow you down for a little while.
Uh, thank you.
It's been nice robbing you.
Yeah, thanks for the date.
It's been fun.
( both laughing ) Shouldn't we have kissed them good night? MORK: They were so cute.
MAN: Well Thanks a lot, Officer.
I know you'll find them.
Ciao.
Oh, come on, Bick.
We'll get our stuff back.
Those girls robbed three other guys in the same bar, and the police are gonna have a cookout.
Stakeout.
Oh.
I don't mind talking to a policeman for an hour this time of night, but I resent his shaking his head and giggling the whole time.
Come on, it's a new wave silly cops.
Haven't you watched CHiPs? Hi.
How's Uncle Jack? Oh, I think he'll be all right.
He just had a cork stuck in his throat.
How was your weekend? Why do you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I thought that since I was gone you'd run out of things to do and be bored.
Oh, me? Good-time Morky bored? We had a fantastic time.
Bicky, tell her if you've got any strength left after our wild and wonderful weekend.
He didn't let up all weekend.
Oh, we had a wonderful time.
In fact, our company just left.
What company? BICKLEY: Um, uh, Mork and I met a couple of girls.
Yeah, we went to a gymnastics bar.
It was incredible.
And we met these wonderful friends.
We'll take you there, and you can make friends, too.
How friendly were these friends? Do we look like the kind of guys who would kiss and tell? Mindy, you should've seen the mother.
So beautiful.
MINDY: Mother?! I don't think I want to hear about this.
Then I can tell you about the daughter.
You wanna hear about that, huh, maybe? I know I don't want to hear this.
I'm a little tired.
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
I'll talk to you about this tomorrow.
Good night, Mr.
Bickley.
Good night, Mr.
Goodbar.
But wait! Mindy! You'll never guess who we ran into the governor.
Whew! Wow.
You know something, Bicky? When we were going through it tonight, it was it was kind of terrifying, but telling Mindy right now, it sounded really good to me.
Yeah, I agree.
Maybe from a distance, we can appreciate what we've experienced better rather than when we were actually going through the trauma of having No, that's bull.
Yeah, I guess people forget the fun things and only remember the exciting things.
We weren't bored, so we must've accomplished what we wanted to do.
Yeah.
Wish they hadn't robbed us, though.
We sure have a heck of a story to tell our grandkids.
Well, good night, Mork.
Good night, Bick.
Mork, I was thinking Saturday night? Be there or be square! There are millions of stories on this planet.
This has just been one of them.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, the Incredible Bulk.
Mork calling Orson.
ORSON: Did you have an interesting week, Mork? Oh, yes, sir, I met some people called "thieves.
" Thieves? What are thieves? Well, thieves are people who steal things.
First of all, there are jewel thieves, who steal precious gems and stones, there are cat burglars, who steal pets, and then the Pittsburgh Steelers, who steal entire cities.
Don't tell me Boulder, Colorado, got taken.
Oh, no, sir, just me and Mr.
Bickley.
We were robbed by some lady friends that Bickley said we never should've trusted to begin with.
I thought earthlings believed in trust.
Even that dollar bill you sent me had "In God We Trust" written on it.
Orson, you can't believe everything you read.
It also said that it's worth a dollar.
Let me understand.
You were robbed by two friends? Yes, sir.
Ooh, they were pretty and soft.
Well soft on the outside, and kind of hard on the inside.
You mean, on Earth, your friends will rob you? Well, if they do, they're not really friends, then.
Well, Mindy's your friend.
How do you know that someday she won't rob you? Well, sir, I don't think she's that kind of friend, and even if she were, she'd have to rob me thousands of times just to get back half of what she's given me.
So until next week.
Give me an "N"! "N.
" Give me an "A"! "A.
" Give me another "N"! "N.
" Give me a big "O"! "O.
" What's that spell? Nanu.
Wrong.
Nano.
See you next week, Orsoon.
Nanu! Ha-ha-ha-ha! What a chump!