Outsourced (2010) s01e21 Episode Script

Todd, Charlie, I want your honest opinion, okay? I'm worried that when Ashlynn comes from America to see me, she might find me too - Scrawny? - No.
- Frail? - No.
Like an Indian version of Woody from Toy Story? - What? - Oh, yeah, I can see it.
If he had the hat and he went like this.
Uh, hello.
I'm worried she'll think my chest is too - Scrawny? - Frail? Like an Indian version of Woody from Toy Story? - Hairy! - Oh.
Saw all these pictures of American men-- Mark Wahlberg, Channing Tatum So smooth, man, like tall, muscular children.
Manmeet, it's not that big of a deal.
I wouldn't worry about it.
A lot of American guys have chest hair.
Whoa! Yeah, you gotta do something about that.
So, what do you think? That is perfect.
That'll definitely put a smile on her face.
Oh, so this is just a big prank to you guys.
Not to me.
I trim my hair in the shape of a heart too.
- No, I don't believe you.
- All right.
- No, no, no, that's okay.
- No, no no.
Thank you very much, please.
Goodbye.
Listen up, donkeys.
If you receive an envelope, you will not be coming to work tomorrow.
You can't fire me! I've had good numbers this month.
Fire Lata.
She's been stealing office supplies, and I'm pretty sure she's never been vaccinated.
No one is getting fired.
These are invitations to my wedding.
- This one's for you.
- Oh, thanks, Rajiv.
You know, I think it's great that you're inviting all the workers to your wedding.
Vimi's father will be impressed that the workers respect me enough to attend my wedding.
And here's the best part-- Tradition dictates that everyone gives me a gift of cash.
So essentially you're charging the workers to go to your wedding to make you look good.
It's so perfect.
I thought about it all night, and I almost cried.
I think you got a typo here.
It says that the wedding starts on Friday and ends on Sunday.
Yes, it lasts all weekend.
Really? What-- what are we gonna be doing for all that time? It starts with the Sangeet, which is where friends and family sing and perform skits.
Okay, got it.
Don't come on the first day.
And then there's the Mendhi, where women get henna on their hands and feet.
And, finally, there's the Baraat procession, where I ride up on a white horse.
And, of course, the ceremony itself, where we walk around a fire seven times.
I had a buddy whose marriage didn't last as long as that description.
Americans.
Um, Rajiv, I don't know if there was a mix-up, but I didn't receive my invitation to your wedding.
Anyway, uh, consider this my verbal RSVP.
Gupta will attend.
Fish.
Wait.
Veggie plate.
Wait, how is the fish being prepared? You know what? Surprise me.
- Here's a surprise.
- Oh.
You did not receive an invitation because you're not invited.
And the reason you weren't invited is because you're too valuable to leave the office.
- We need you here.
- Oh, of course.
You need me in charge of the call center while you are both gone.
Gupta, listen to me.
You're not in charge.
I understand.
I am not in charge! I think they bought it.
Management.
This feels right.
I have a caller who wants to speak to the manager.
I'm busy.
I said "Buff, " dammit! How about I bring Gupta as my plus one? Fine, but he has to sit at the horse's table.
Okay, Ashlynn is meeting me at the hotel.
If I get one room, it will be too forward, but if I get two rooms, it will hurt my chances of making love to her.
Well, why don't you get one room with two beds? - Ah, he is good.
- You know? Then she'll think I'm a gentleman.
Then you can do the "continental divide.
" That's where she has one leg on one bed and one leg on the other.
There's another version-- "London Bridge.
" But you have to get housekeeping to act as tourists.
Sigh.
- Uh, everything okay? - I wish.
I need one more person in my wedding party so I have the same number as the bride.
Well, I'm sure you have another relative.
No, I am out of relatives.
What I need now is a true friend.
Looks like something fat Steven Seagal would wear.
This is the traditional outfit for the procession.
Procession.
Okay, what do I have to do? Just smile and watch your step.
- Why? - Because you're behind the horse.
Man, I am psyched.
This is gonna be a blast! Uh, Charlie, I don't think you're invited to the wedding.
Screw the wedding.
That's not what I'm coming for.
You're practically best man now.
Do you know what that means? I get to throw the bachelor party! Yeah! Bachelor party! I'm gonna call all my buddies.
- Hello? - Bachelor party! Yeah! Yeah! All right, I'll talk to you later.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.
Too bad this bachelor party isn't in Michigan, 'cause I could call Little Laura and Mini Mary.
They're dwarf wrestler-strippers.
What is that smell? Wanna play "what's that smell" on an Indian train, - we're gonna be here all day.
- No, it's a good smell.
It's like, uh, pumpkin pie? That might be my pumpkin pie candle.
Whoa! Dude, what are you doing with all these candles? They're for Ashlynn.
They say your sense of smell can trigger memories from childhood.
I want her to feel comfortable in India, like she's at home.
Oh, they even have A Christmas candle.
If it smells like Miller Lite, a greyhound bus station, and my dad's excuses, that'd be my Christmas candle.
Oh, that reminds me Uh, what was your most memorable meal? What are you doing? I'm trying out conversation starters.
It was Christmas morning in a greyhound bus station.
I found a hair in a vending machine sandwich.
Charlie.
My dad said it was probably Santa's.
Well, why is it black, dad, huh? Why is it black? Look, man, you don't need these.
Todd, me and Ashlynn have only talked on the Internet.
This is the first time we'll be face to face.
I wanna be prepared for any awkward moments.
Why is it black? Excuse me! Oh, excuse me.
Hold on, coming through.
This train is taking forever.
We're gonna have to rehearse our dance for the Sangeet here.
- Wait, our what for the what? - The Bhangra dance! We're gonna surprise Rajiv.
- Ah.
- Don't worry.
Your part is simple.
I do this.
All right.
What do I do? Oh, you are the pole.
If you can be the pole, I can cross something else off my bachelor party list.
I wish Sunil would just hurry up and get here.
I feel like such a loser being by myself at a wedding.
Not as though there's anything wrong with being alone at a wedding.
Or in life.
No, sometimes it's better to be alone.
Like right now.
- You look very nice.
- Thank you.
But only women wear the scarf this way.
I'll do it quick.
I don't wanna get you in trouble with Tonya again.
Uh, don't worry about that.
We broke up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, it's hard to believe the girl you had sex with on the break room table on your first date didn't turn into a lasting relationship.
Yeah, that's why I like what we have-- All the judgment without any of that physical stuff getting in the way.
Excuse me.
Your friends are very talented.
I know.
I can't wait to see what your friends have planned.
I told them not to do anything.
I want this night to be about you.
Aw, that's sweet, but I don't think they listened.
Gupta.
Silence! Pay attention, donkeys! I am Rajiv.
People say I am mean.
When Shiva the Destroyer is out sick, they give me a ring.
Everyone calls me a brown-noser.
I guess it must be true.
Before I started working at the call center, I was white.
Rajiv, we love you! You're a great guy.
But seriously, Vimi and you pick this guy? Todd, we got a problem.
I'm having a hard time finding a stripper for the bachelor party.
For a country with so much unintentional third-world nudity, you'd think it'd be easy.
Yeah, I haven't had any luck either.
No one even knows what a bachelor party is.
Tell me about it.
There's no place to buy offensive crap around here.
If someone opened a Spencer's gifts, they'd make a killing.
Vimi! Another million-dollar idea-- Spencer's gifts, Mumbai.
Uh, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm gonna call the office.
It's like watching beauty and the beast.
Mid America Novelties, how may I help you? - Hey, Pinky, it's Todd.
- Hello, Todd.
How may I assist you with your order? It's Todd your boss.
Oh, very good, Mr.
Yerboss.
How may I assist you with your order? No, Pinky, Todd Dempsy, the guy who runs the call center.
Your boss.
Look, I need you to do me a favor.
I'm at Rajiv's wedding.
I need you to go in the back of the supply closet and bring me all the novelties on the top shelf.
But you told us never to go in there.
That is the dirty shelf.
I know, and I'm sorry to ask you to do this, but this is for Rajiv.
It is okay.
I go in there when everyone's at lunch.
I don't need to know that.
Todd, I've learned things.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
I'm Gupta.
Is that Ajeet? "Love is like a bird.
" Love is like a bird.
Like a bird.
Soaring, rising, free.
Not caged, not bound, not hidden.
Like a bird.
Let it soar.
Let it land in your heart.
Like a bird.
Like a bird.
Like a bird.
What the hell was that? Way to kill the mood.
Beautiful.
Truly moving.
Goosebumps.
Oh, my.
Not today! Manmeet! Ashlynn! All right, let's go to the room.
Rajiv.
Yes, my precious flower? Go to bed, donkey! Gupta said I could keep the moustache.
Oh, I'm so glad this is a thing now.
I like you.
Good night, sir.
Rajiv, if you'd asked me six months ago for my daughter's hand in marriage, I would've said no.
Yes, I know, because I asked you six months ago, and you said no.
Right, I did.
I forgot my point.
Anyway, welcome to the family.
Don't embarrass us.
You're a Mehta now.
Actually, Vimi's going to take my name.
I'd hold off on the monogrammed towels.
I noticed there were lots of single men here tonight, and one of them even had his eye on you.
He wasn't just looking at me.
Who are you talking about? Who are you talking about? - The busboy.
- Ajee--the busboy.
- See you.
- Bye.
Surprise! What is the meaning of this? It's your bachelor party, buddy! Oh, how wonderful.
I cannot wait to enjoy this American tradition.
Just give me one minute.
Please, sir! Please, please help me! I beg you! Let me go! No! No! Let me go! Oh! It's his first time.
So here we are.
Yeah, here we are.
Would you rather eat soup every day for the rest of your life or never eat soup again? Never eat soup again.
Keep in mind stews count.
Still never.
Good to know.
Maybe you could put some music on.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Okay, I've got jazz, slow jazz, smooth jams, and world music, or as we call it here, music.
I don't care what it is as long as it's loud.
But then we won't be able to talk.
Stop it! Hey! Stop it! No! All right, gentlemen, it's time for the evening's entertainment.
- Yes! - All right! What the hell? I couldn't get a dancer, so I asked my buddy back in Kansas City if he'd bring his phone into a strip club.
All right, Rajiv, we are streaming live nude girls! Yeah! All I see is a dirty floor.
Oh.
Well, he has to hide his phone every time he sees a bouncer.
Oh, oh.
Okay, here we go.
What the hell is that? What fresh hell do you have in store for me now?! Uh, look It's probably your first bachelor party.
We're gonna be drinking and doing things we regret, but we should keep it within our own species.
I don't know, Todd.
Groom won't drink, stripper's buffering, I say we put the bird thing up for a vote.
- Why not? - That is three for the bird.
What are you thinking? I'm just happy to be in India.
I was thinking I want to roll up this moment, tie it with a tiny bow, and put it in my back pocket.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Are you ready to go again? To the sex bed.
Now, untie me and give me back my pants! That's gotta be the stripper, or my club sandwich is here.
Either way, I'm undoing my belt.
You got a stripper too? Yeah, I thought your cyber thing would be a bust, so I took matters into my own hands.
Gentlemen, and Pinky, please welcome to the main stage the woman I met outside the hotel who's willing to take off her clothes for a reasonable price.
Kami Sutra.
She's a Hijra! What's a Hijra? I think you refer to them as transgender.
That explains how I got her for a reasonable price.
Or, wait, should she cost double? Half? Deal's a deal.
Show time! Ajeet? Love is like a bird.
Let it soar.
Let it land in your heart.
So that's a man and a lady? Yeah, Hijras are common at Indian weddings.
Sometimes they dance, and sometimes they even expose themselves and won't leave unless you pay them.
So they threaten to whip it out until you give 'em the money? - Yeah.
- My uncle Carl would make a killing over here.
It's your last night of being single, man.
Enjoy yourself! I'm warning you, sir or madam, if you don't stop, I will call the authorities and have them take you away at once! Please don't take my giggling as consent.
I command you to stop! - Stop! - Whoo-hoo! Stop! Yes! This is the best wedding gift, papa.
I can't believe you got us our own apartment! Anything for you, Behti.
I can't wait to see the look on Rajiv's face.
Rajiv! Vimi? Please, let me explain.