Raising Hope s01e21 Episode Script

Burt, it's been 15 minutes.
I don't think the boomerang's coming back.
They're supposed to always come back.
This isn't what I signed up for! This wasn't supposed to be like this.
What the hell is that? Somebody in Hope's room? Relax.
I saw this on Modern Family and countless other sitcoms.
We're just picking up a signal from someone else's baby monitor.
I swear to God, it's all I can do not to smack you.
There are toys all over the floor and somebody's been teething on my shoe.
There she is.
Do I seem like I'm kidding to you? Does it say something bad about me that I assumed she'd be fat? Yeah, you got to work on that.
I do.
This place is a disaster.
I am sick and tired of being your mother.
I'm sorry.
I was having bathroom distress, and I didn't know the dogs got out.
That is why we have the puppy monitor, you idiot.
You're supposed to take it to the bathroom with you.
I forgot.
Oh, I really wish I hadn't seen that.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Here at Howdy's, we're not like the big, fancy chains.
We don't have 10 different types of apples.
We just have apples.
They're cheap and round and red, the way God intended.
Howdy's.
'Cause life is confusing enough.
As you all know, last year, for the fifth year in a row the store owners chose to go with a commercial that was submitted by Howdy's West instead of the one submitted by me.
Which is crazy because mine was awesome.
I'm Barney Hughes, head manager of Howdy's Market.
Lettuce save you money on groceries.
Orange you glad our prices are bananas? Anyone who says they have better prices is full of baloney.
Anyway, this year I thought, why keep hogging all this potential glory? Why not involve all of you to make a commercial to defeat Howdy's West and as an opportunity to do some teamwork? And how did they build the pyramids? With slaves.
A team of slaves.
Anyway, the point is, when we finish our commercial, we can look at it as something we accomplished together, as a team.
Okay? - Yeah, that sounds awesome.
- I'm in.
Great.
So, let's brainstorm, and remember, don't be afraid to think outside the box.
Nobody's done blackface on TV for a while.
Maybe Frank should think inside the box.
Burt! What the heck are Shh! This is the best place in the house to get reception.
Just once, I would love to come home and find you doing something.
Anything! Five minutes ago, she called him a jackass, and then either threw him through a window or emptied the dishwasher very angrily, but either way, it made for very compelling radio.
Get down from there before you knock over the chicken.
And stop meddling in other peoples' lives.
This poor guy, I'm worried about him.
He's being abused.
I don't care.
We mind our own business.
I am not gonna be one of those judgmental busybody snoops, because I've seen what it's like from the other side.
"Your baby needs sunscreen on.
" "Your husband shouldn't pee off the side of the porch.
" "You need to replace that dead, ugly bush by the side of your porch.
" I don't want to be like that.
Please, Virginia! They're about to go to bed.
If I don't hear the last scene, I'll have no idea what's going on tomorrow.
Plus, I'll be restless all night.
If I get home from work tomorrow and you haven't pulled that tree stump out of the front lawn, I'm gonna do it myself.
And bury you in the hole.
The plot thickens.
Okay, well, here's something everybody should be happy with.
A list of low-priced items, a slow jazz song, panic and a rhinoceros.
Guys, I just don't get the rhinoceros.
It has absolutely nothing to do with groceries.
Come on.
The store needs a mascot.
Howdy, the friendly rhino.
He doesn't charge much.
Barney, it shouldn't say panic.
It should say widespread panic.
'Cause nothing sells groceries like fear of an impending disaster.
Frank, it seems wrong to scare people for no reason.
How many more dead birds got to fall from the sky before you people wake up? This is pointless.
I quit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no quitting.
How about this? What if you three each make your own commercial? And then share them with the group, and then together, as a team, we'll make decisions collectively? It'll be individuals working within a larger framework.
Like al-Qaeda.
I was thinking the Smurfs, but yes.
No, no, no, no.
Whoa! Yes? Hi.
I'm Burt Chance.
Live around the block.
I am also the president and CEO and owner and proprietor of Better Lawn Service and Pool Cleaning.
And I'm one stump away from getting my advanced certificate in stump removal.
It would mean a lot to me if you would let me remove that stump there and achieve my dream.
We're a store.
We have food, if that's your thing.
I'm Frank.
I'm an open-minded, single white male.
I'm a Pisces, who was born in the year of the rat.
You could go to other stores, spend more money, and get higher quality stuff that tastes a lot better, but what's the point? 'Cause it all eventually ends up in your toilet.
So come by if you want.
Or don't.
Whatever.
I don't care.
I don't own the place.
If I did, it'd be called Frank's.
But it's not.
Okay.
Who has some positive, constructive, team-building comments about Frank's video? Okay.
Good stuff, team.
We'll watch the next one tomorrow.
You sure I can't thank you with a puppy or two? Not all of them have had their toes chewed on.
They just like picking on the runt.
I feel bad for you, bro.
Little fella stuck in the house, getting chewed out all day.
You probably need to talk to somebody, don't you, fella? You could talk to me.
He won't talk.
He's a puppy.
Hey, lovey-dove.
Notice anything different about the yard, like something's gone that was weighing on your mind? Something that's shaped like a stump, 'cause it's a stump.
Yeah.
I see it's gone.
Thank you.
This is Burt.
He lives down the street, and he also owns a landscaping company.
He did it for free.
Andrew did half the work.
More than half.
Three times that much.
Plus, he got me an iced tea.
He's good.
I see there's a lot of mud.
When you went to go get him his iced tea, please tell me you wiped your feet before you walked on my white carpet.
I might have forgotten to do that.
Oh.
Oh, did you forget you had feet? Did you forget we had a floor? I mean, how many times have we practiced wiping your feet on the mat? Burt, I am so sorry that he put you in a position to have to see this.
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable you make people when they witness the way you disappoint me? She's under a lot of career stress.
What does she do? No! My carpet! Thirty-five dollars a square yard, and you got mud on it? God, you idiot! She makes relaxation candles.
Burt, why are you infusiating yourself into other peoples' lives? I like the guy.
He reminds me of me.
We both have brown hair and hate museums.
Not on the eyeballs, Maw Maw.
Okay.
What's crazy up to? Oh, homemade facelift.
She saw it in an old people magazine.
Is that an old copy of People Magazine , or a magazine called Old People? What does it matter, Burt? She's putting tape on her face.
Look, you need to stay out of these peoples' lives.
You know how much I despise nosey neighbors.
But we could make a sad home as happy as ours.
His wife could learn to not be so mean.
She'd just need to see how you do things.
How is she gonna see that? I invited them for dinner.
What? No.
No.
See, now we're those people who butt in and fix and judge and We're not better than a lot of people, but we are better than those people.
Why would you want to take that from us? Because you're the cool wife.
All she knows how to be is a bitch wife.
So to see you be all mellow and not yelling about stuff.
It's like this right now.
You're annoyed, but you're mellow, and not freaking out at me.
She needs to see stuff just like this you're doing now.
So terrifically.
Hmm? Because you're cool.
Well.
I am a cool wife.
That's what she needs to see.
How do I look? Needs a little more work.
In the land of Natesvillia, food shopping was dangerously expensive until a hero rose up and said, "No more!" I'm Sir Barnalot, the price protector.
He who strikes down the grocery goblin who jacks up prices.
They want to charge four dollars for a gallon of milk, but I say no! Forsooth.
That's more like it.
You are ruining my world! And I'm just getting started.
My prices! My prices! That's not fair.
You used the boss in your commercial.
- No, not, not boss.
Team captain.
- See? Okay, but that's got to be against the rules.
There aren't any rules.
Jimmy, you are a brown-nosing weasel.
But, team captain, you were really terrific.
Oh, you.
Thanks.
Well, the fat camp I went to through high school did some terrific diet-based theater.
Oh! I really like that skinny sunset picture.
I'm not usually into art, but that one caught my eye.
Oops! Clumsy me.
Oh, God.
Your wife's going to kill you.
We've got to hide the glasses and find something to cover that.
Whoa.
It's cool.
No, no, no! It's on the rug! That's red wine on the rug.
That's a class two stain.
Are you kidding me? Burt did it.
It was Burt.
Burt.
Sorry, Burt.
Oh! Do you need us to step out, so you can tear him a new one? Uh Well, first of all, I can't see why I'd want him to have two of those.
And second of all, it's no big deal.
Mistakes happen.
You're such a cool wife.
No biggie.
I'll just get you a towel and a refill.
Burt is so clumsy.
At this point, we might as well just drink the rug.
That is some good-natured ribbing.
Andrew, where are the crackers we brought? You brought saltines? You don't bring saltines to someone's house.
You bring cracked pepper water crackers, you idiot.
- It's fine.
We like saltines.
- Love 'em.
I can eat six of them in a minute with no beverage.
Nine if there's butter on 'em.
Really, it's no big deal.
I'm gonna run home and get the good crackers I forgot.
Come on down to Howdy's Market where prices are like the 1960s.
Where do hip kids like to shop? Howdy's, Howdy's Low, low prices that just won't stop Howdy's, Howdy's Butcher shop And bakery T- bone steak and cake for me Soaps and drugs Plus we got yummy yum milk jugs - Oh, baby - Meet me at Howdy's Our hams won some awards Come on now.
Meet me at Howdy's - We have a bulletin board - Oh, you go Northerly on South Street Come in and peek And you know Howdy's is open seven days a week Oh, yeah That commercial was terrible.
Didn't mention me once.
That's not fair.
You used my daughter without my permission.
Why don't you make your own baby? Yeah.
Come on, Sabrina.
Let's go make our own baby.
Jimmy, you said there were no rules.
I mean, and besides, none of this matters anyway.
Because, you know, obviously, you're going to send mine in, right? I mean, come on.
Everybody loves old people and babies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mine had I mean, ours, team captain, had awesome special effects and your great acting.
They both sucked.
Mine had sex appeal and sex sells.
How do you think I pick my brand of shampoo? Three words.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
We all know you don't use shampoo, Frank.
- I am sexy.
- Do you remember the smoke effects? There's no denying how sexy I am.
Do you remember when you first used your elf sword on me? Shut up for a second! Let the world see how good you are! I guess I'll just send all three to corporate and let somebody else make the tough decision.
And shame on you for making me use my rape whistle in a non-rape situation.
Where the hell is Andrew with the crackers? It's been seven minutes.
Well, he was with Burt.
He gets sidetracked.
You know, like, if there's cool stars out, or lightning bugs.
I used to get mad at him for it.
But then one night, he was outside, staring up at the sky, at O'Brian's belt, happy as a clam.
Meanwhile, I was getting all worked up.
Ruining a perfectly good wine cooler buzz, and I just thought to myself, "Who is the dummy here?" It was you, wasn't it? I think it's a lot of us.
Who the hell are you? Maw Maw, this is Donna, our neighbor.
Is that your baby? It looks like the one that hangs out around here sometimes.
No.
No.
It's yours.
I don't I don't have a baby.
Apparently, my husband's sperm shares his fear of success so we're trying to adopt.
Adoption's good.
Pregnancy will ruin your figure.
It killed mine.
I mean, I look fantastic now, but look how much tape it took to keep my ass off the ground.
- No, Maw Maw! - Oh, God.
That is a lot of tape.
Oh! I can't believe this was in your bathroom.
Lucky your window was open.
Okay.
Crackers.
Multi-grain.
Whole grain.
All these damn grains.
There's no water crackers! Here's some.
But they don't have pepper.
Burt, let's just go to Mexico.
Dude, dude.
It's okay.
My wife is going to teach her how to be cool.
Stop beating yourself up.
It's not your fault.
Donna 's the one who's broken.
Don't worry.
We can help you fix her.
That's why we had you guys over.
This wasn't just a dinner party.
It's "wife school.
" Even Virginia thinks your wife's a bitch.
Whoa.
It wasn't my idea.
I did not want to do this.
Yes, you did.
Because you're a meddling busybody, "stick your nose in other people's business" snoop.
Stop.
I despise those people.
Andrew, we're leaving.
Crackers.
Remember that web site.
PainFreeTweezer.
com.
I'm okay.
Just taking off my tape for the night.
I am so glad you finally came around to the snooping.
It's like a good TV show without all the bad words bleeped out.
That woman is a.
See? You're not gonna hear that on TV.
I am not snooping.
I'm trying to fix this mess before she tells the whole neighborhood I'm a busybody.
I dropped off a basket of muffins as a peace offering.
There is no problem that a muffin cannot solve.
From neighborhood conflict to constipation.
No, no, no.
No good.
Why not? I went over there this morning to apologize.
Andrew said her hating you is great.
Donna is so mad at Virginia, all the heat is off me.
Last night, I got to watch SportsCenter for the first time in years.
Did you know there's a basketball team in Oklahoma City now? They're happy.
We've got to get those muffins back before she stops hating you and it ruins everything.
Wow! What is this? Andrew, did you see we had muffins on the porch? Oh, crap! Too late! Oh! There's a card.
"Dear Crazy Dragon Lady" I didn't write that.
"Here are some banana nut muffins "because you're bananas and you drive me nuts.
"Love, Virginia.
" What? Crafty devil.
He must have changed the card.
Virginia, please come back.
Don't go over there.
Whoa.
I don't know where she gets the nerve.
She's atrocious.
I don't even like the muffins.
Come back.
They're better off as long as they think you're a snoop.
Oh, my God, it came, it came, it came.
It's the letter from the adoption agency.
Open it, open it.
We're approved.
We're getting a baby! We're getting a baby! Who cares if the neighbors think you're nosy? I think you're the coolest chick I've ever met.
And I know deep down in your heart, you'd do anything to help other people, even if it means being known as the neighborhood busybody.
We're gonna be parents.
Our baby's gonna have such a happy home! I know! Your relaxation candles smell like ass! And your husband looks like a skinny version of that fat guy from Mallrats.
Okay, okay.
Quiet down, everybody.
They said the commercial the store owners picked is gonna run right after the city council votes on raising the amount of chromium allowed in our drinking water.
in favor of raising the legal chromium level, say, "Aye.
" - Just pass it already.
Aye.
Oh! Here it is.
Howdy's.
Now selling two kinds of apples.
You spoke, and we listened.
They picked Howdy's West again? So lame.
They wonder why people riot in Tunisia.
Look no more.
It's okay, team.
We can, we can try again next year.
Or maybe we can beat them at something else.
- Like what? - Well, I don't know.
Let's brainstorm again.
How about the amount of medicine we take? Yes.
But not that.
Again, let's think more inside the box.
How about sales? Whoa! Yeah.
If we really work together, get our sales numbers up there will be no denying which store is better.
That's the spirit, team.
You guys, go get 'em.
Sell, sell, sell.
Howdy's East.
Don't you mean, "Howdy's Least?" Hello, Lamar.
So, did I hear right? This year, you were too afraid to submit an entry? Afraid? Yes.
But not of you.
Afraid the competition was ripping my team apart.
For some of us, the real glory isn't about personal achievement.
It's about the unity of the team.
That's just loser talk, loser.
I'd rather be that loser than a cold-hearted weasel turd whose employees hate him, like you.
See you Saturday at mini-golf? Wouldn't miss it.
When I say, "Howdy's," you say "East.
" - Howdy's! East! Nosy bitch! English - US - SDH