Relic Hunter s01e21 Episode Script

Suppose someone's sneaking up from behind you.
Claudia, are you listening to me? Sure.
Some creep is sneaking up on me from behind you duck elbow step kick and run.
Gottach.
N ow you try it.
I'm grabbing you from behind be careful.
I just did my nails.
I thought you said you wanted to learn how to defend yourself? It's a french overlay.
Two coats with glitter.
You said you had a close call.
You have no idea.
It was dark and i was walking out to my car in the parking lot.
And then from out of nowhere i see this figure coming towards me.
H e probably thought i was a pushover as i was parked in a handicapped spot.
And what did you do? Well, i got in my car and locked the door.
- And what did he do? - Gave me a ticket anyway.
Claudia, in this day and age every woman should know how to defend herself anyway.
Ooh! Oh, it works.
- Oh god, are you ok? - I'm fine, fine.
This arrived, looked important.
Signed for it.
Just put it over there.
I would if i could, but i can't move.
Who's it from? A er, h eather chandler.
Chandler? I had a professor once named chandler.
When i was studying archaeology.
Professor fo x, i'm sure my father would have wanted you to have this as you know he spent most of his life trying to find the chalice of truth the chalice of truth? You've got to be kidding.
H e believed in the existence of this chalice for whatever reason.
It was supposed to have a hypnotic affect on whoever looked at it.
Force them to tell the truth.
I really could have used that last night.
H er father passed away last week wow.
H e was one of my favourites.
H e was a big influence on me getting into archaeology.
- I mean he was little - a little bit wack o? H e became so obsessed with finding the chalice of truth that he became a laughing stock in the archaeological world.
They even called it chandler's folly.
You don't believe such a thing existed? N o, but he did and i believed in him.
When he died he was getting closer than he'd ever been.
H mm, it looks arabic, berber.
Carpet? I've rarely ever seen berber written before.
For centuries it's only been a spoken language.
There's one person who's seen it written.
Who? While he was teaching at the u niversity of northeasten south africa he said he was forced to learn it at some sort of new professor hazing ritual.
No, not if my life depended on it.
But what if professor chandler's life depended on it? Or at least his life's work? You could finish it for him.
Where is it? Where is it? Arrgh that thieving ingrate! Find omar! Bring him to me! You wanted to see me, captain? The c orsair cross.
Where is it? I don't know.
That's all there was.
You don't know what happened to it? N o, captain.
Let me show you something.
I'm tired of risking my life for you, only to be thrown mere crumbs.
A few more hours and i would have been gone on the first galleon out at sunrise.
You never would have known the difference! So i am heartened you chose the path of truth, omar.
Guards! H ave him beheaded.
No! No! No! No! I can't believe i'm asking stewey for help.
It's not so bad.
Since he's come back, he's led rather a normal, modest life.
Laying low is more like it.
There's nothing normal about stewey.
- You're being too harsh on him.
- Am i? Sweetcheeks.
N ige look, stewey, i'm sorry to bother you you like this.
Listen, i can't talk to you guys right now.
I'm in the middle of something very important.
Get down! Duck! Are you sure we need stewey? Oh, boy, i love paris, huh? I've always loved paris.
The architecture, the art the women.
Oh, boy, did i mention the women? Stewey, burba, remember? That's why you're here.
Listen, sydney.
Burba is very complex, okay? You slept the entire flight.
I've been stressed.
I've had death knocking at my door more than once lately, believe you me.
Listen, driver go a little faster, will you? A little faster.
H ey, andale, andale.
- Stewey.
- What? H e's french.
The term is plus vite, si vous plait.
Plus vite! keep that up, okay? What's our hurry, anyway? There's no hurry.
I just like going fast, that's all.
I like a little bit of speed in paris, you know.
Why were those people shooting at you, stewey? Yeah.
Look it's a long story, sydney.
Do you want me to take a look at this burba or not? What do we have, n igel? The chalice was syrian.
It was stolen by pirates and wound up in tunis.
Somewhere in the 1700's, it fell into the hands of a french diplomat named christopher de la croix.
U gh! H ow am i supposed to read this? H e was recalled back to france for telling the tunisians state secrets.
What, for profit? N o, he, um he couldn't help telling the truth.
Okay, look, i think i got something here.
Now, it seems this chalice was created by a mystic in the thirteenth century for the syrian royal family.
Why? Well, it seems the king thought his queenie was doing the mambo number five behind his back - and he wanted her to tell the truth.
- and did she? Well, the next day, her head was mounted on a stake in front of the palace.
Ooh! There are two items in chandler's research that are curious, some - blueprints.
- Blueprints? Let me take a look at stewey! - nice go, nigel.
Nice go.
- Give me that! Ah, it was his fault.
The other item is a rejection from a cooking school.
H e applied two days before his death.
C ooking school? U gh! Listen, driver, you can slow down now, all right? H ey! Slow down, all right? What are you trying to do? Well we're definitely back in paris.
Let's go find that cooking school.
This was once the home of christopher de la croix.
Ah, so these must be the blueprints.
The chalice is somewhere in there, isn't it? I think so.
- let's be careful, gentlemen.
- yeah, no problem.
All right, admission to the school is based solely on the interview with chef gerard, so let me do all the talking, okay? Voltaire.
i didn't know you spoke french, stewey.
I don't, but the french chicks love it.
I am gerard la grange.
You realise this is an advanced course? - Yes, absolutely.
- Of course.
I usually do not admit students this late.
H owever as you've come so highly recommend i understand you're opening a new restaurant in america? Yes, my partners and i are very ex cited about it.
And what is it called? Oh, ahem err le cadavre qui pourrit.
The rotting c orpse? We haven't yet decided.
- Yeah, we're still tossing things around.
- We're tossing.
I see.
Monsieur la grange, i'm sorry.
We're so terribly nervous.
I mean, to be in the presence of one of the greatest chefs in the world.
U nderstandable, of course.
To study under you would be a dream come true.
Of course it would.
Very well.
Don't be late for orientation.
Oh, we love chinese food.
Sydney fo x will be able to do what chandler couldn't- find the chalice.
We need to place a contact inside.
H mm, grapes.
Oi.
I couldn't help hearing the accent.
Johnny they call me johnny the jackhammer.
That's a very colourful name.
N igel bailey.
So, johnny, what brings you to cooking school? What's that supposed to mean? N othing.
N othing.
Ot-ot-ot-other than i was just wondering what got you interested in cooking.
Oh.
Me therapist recommended it.
Well, he's not actually a therapist, he's a he's he's more of a parole officer.
See, i have this little problem with violence.
Ah.
U h-huh.
My fourth year with gerard.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
What he can do with a guinea fowl, my god.
My sisters and i own a little restaurant in san francisco.
Oh, san francisco.
Oh boy, i love san francisco.
- Both of them will be coming in tonight.
- Really? Both of them? Oh, boy.
We're all so different.
Sometimes i find it's hard to believe we're sisters.
I can hardly wait to meet them.
In the joint, i used to take these classes, you know, to help control the anger.
Pottery, cooking you know get in touch with me feminine side.
I learned the most amazing thing.
I discovered that as a child, i was touch-deprived eh? And that's where all the trouble started.
All i ever needed was just someone to hold me.
So what do you reck on, n igel? - Give us a hug.
- Well ah, it's going to be great cooking with you, mate.
Grape? From lupin aux prunaux to durade au muscadet, my understanding of cuisine classique has taken on new meaning with gerard.
U h-huh.
Ooh, 'scuse me.
Some interesting people here.
Yes, very.
You here for the cooking class? Well well, of course you are, why else would you be here? This is the cooking school, after all.
- I'm n igel.
- Amanda.
We're just a cable show really.
But in a sense, it's more free not having to cater to the masses.
Who did you train with? - Oh, that would be mrs.
Roberstein.
- Of what school? Franklin h igh.
Amazing home ec' class.
Mesdames et messieurs.
I'm sure you are delighted to have the honour to have been accepted into one of the most prestigious cooking schools in the world.
You're late, monsieur.
I'm sorry.
Is that what you will tell your customers when you have ruined their meal because you missed the essential first instructions of the dish i teach you to prepare? I welcome you with my heart open.
For the next two days, we will live and learn as a family.
Being one with the ingredients of life.
So bon appetite and let's get cooking! I met this really sweet guy today.
There are no nice guys, amanda.
They just trick you into thinking that so they can get what they want.
There's plenty that men are good for.
You ought to know, you're doing it with another one every five minutes.
C ould we please not fight? Amanda, listen to me, men are jerks if you keep being so nice and sweet, they're going to take advantage of you.
Yeah, well, i think it's time to find someone to take advantage of me.
This is the area chandler circled on the blueprints.
It's off-limits.
Yeah, so why don't you stay and keep watch? As much as it kills me, i might need stewey for more burba.
Listen, sydney, thanks for bringing me along, huh? This isn't a date, stewey.
There's got to be something here.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hi yourself.
- That's a great outfit.
- That's a great accent.
Clothes look amazing when you i think they'd look a lot better on you.
Well l-i've always thought clothes have been overrated myself.
I mean, i wear them from from time to time.
Bit of a necessary evil, if you know what i mean, - unless you're, um - in bed with someone? E exactly.
I mean, that would be an ex cellent time not to wear any clothes.
That and bathing.
I suppose.
There's a wood-panelled library downstairs.
Meet me there in fifteen minutes.
Ooo, ha! Still got it.
Stewey, look.
Burba? Oh, yeah, that's burba, all right.
Heritage is the key to truth.
N ew outfit? Look, i'd really love to come to the library with you, i really would, but ooh! I really have to stay here.
N igel, what's wrong? Gas.
It's all that french food.
Let's go over de la croix's notebook one more time.
Are you sure that's the translation of the inscription on the chamber wall? I'm positive.
Heritage is the key to the truth, no question.
N igel, professor chandler's papers have been tampered with.
Somebody else is after the chalice.
Let's get cooking! Let's get cooking! - H i, n igel.
- Ah! - N igel! My matey.
H ahaha - u gh! U gh! We will begin with a simple menu.
We will start with sautéed oyster mushrooms, in a filo nest garnished with snails and served with a tomato-basil butter sauce.
This will be followed by roasted sweetbreads, accompanied by julienned belgian endive in a truffle cream sauce.
And then for dessert, a basic macaroon mocha buttercream gateaux.
Don't worry, it'll get more challenging.
H e likes to take it easy on us the first day.
Okay, let's get cooking! Oww! I don't understand why we had to do all the cleaning up.
Well, it might have something to do with you making a smiley face with your scallops.
I was trying to be creative, all right? I wasn't the one who put in a half-pound bag of salt in the soup.
Anyone could've made that mistake.
I thought it said a pouch, not a pinch i'm not perfect.
Oh, sure, you hear that all the time.
Add a pouch of salt.
I've been thinking about the inscription from the wall last night.
Take a look at this.
It's from chandler's things.
It's a de la croix family crest.
So? The inscription read, - heritage is the key to the truth.
- Right.
N ow, you remember that indentation above it? Yeah, right in the shape of a cross.
A cross exactly the same shape as this one.
So what does it mean? I think this cross is the key to opening the door where the chalice is.
We're going to fit this into the indentation in the wall? N o, we've got to find the real family crest with a cross exactly the same size as that indentation.
I think you've got something, syd.
Okay, you guys finish up here.
We'll meet up in a little while.
- C ome on.
- We're just going to leave this? C ome on, we're relic hunters, not dishwashers.
Sydney fo x is getting closer to the chalice.
Our agent will stay with them until they find it.
And then, do whatever is necessary to take it from them.
Oh, chef.
Emeril.
H ahaha.
Yeah, i love that show.
Bam! H ahaha.
Listen, i had a question about french cruisine.
Yes? French fries.
What's the best cut do you think? The crinkle or the shoestring? It's a culinary mystery to me.
Let's get cooking! H ahaha! Johnny.
Johnny, you you startled me.
H ug? N o hug.
N o hug.
I really got to run, johnny.
De la croix.
H i.
We're not supposed to go into the rooms on this floor.
Yeah, i was just looking for a bathroom.
Were you? That's right.
Of course.
Don't you have some peaches to can, marilyn? This has got to be it.
This has got chalice of truth written all over it.
- It's magnificent.
- yeah.
H ere, let me have a look at it.
There might be an inscription on it.
The big question is: Does it really hold the power to compel people to tell the truth? Who knows? But one thing i do know for sure is that i love you, sydney.
So stewey, who's after you? Who's trying to kill you? I was supposed to marry an african princess, but i left her standing at the alter.
That's why they're trying to kill me.
And now that they think that you're helping me, they're going to try and kill you, too.
Great.
Listen, syd, i really do love you.
I think we'd be great together.
I know i'm not the smartest guy or the best-iooking guy or the tallest guy, but - you could argue a little here.
- About what? Listen, i know i'm a jerk.
I'm the biggest jerk in the world.
There was that time in berlin with the dominatrix and the barbecued chicken, but i was drunk.
I was smoking the wacky tabacky!! Enough truth for one day.
Shh.
Did you hear that? Let's get out of here.
We should be able to get a taxi at the market place.
Hey, what time is it? One o'clock.
N o, it's not, it's a quarter past three.
Just wanted to see if i could still lie.
I don't think there's a chalice big enough to keep you from lying, stewey.
I don't like the looks of that.
- neither do i.
- Run! Find them.
Stop them.
I must have the chalice.
So find them, whatever it takes.
- They're not after stewey.
- Just our luck.
Let's split up, find stewey and get out of here.
- Arrgh! - Aah! Oh! You've caused enough problems.
The chalice.
I don't have it.
I don't believe you.
If i had it, i couldn't tell a lie, now could i? Good work, n igel.
What? I hid the chalice in a basket of lettuce.
It's not here anymore.
We've got to find it.
- Lettuce.
- Endive.
N o!!! Where is that truck headed? Er l'ecole lagrange.
Back to the cooking school? The chalice is back at the school.
Find it.
What do you think happened to stewey? It probably wasn't pretty, but he can usually take care of himself.
Where do you think you're going? Err the graduation dinner.
You missed the entire sauce class.
There's no graduation for you.
- And no dinner.
- N o? - N o.
- N o? - Aah.
Oh.
H uh? - You missed sauce, too.
N o graduation, no dinner.
Well please forgive us, your greatness, we wanted to come to the sauce class, we really did.
But we were so appreciative of your inspired teachings that we felt compelled to run around the marketplace iooking to buy you a gift.
The vendor i took those from, bought those from, said they were very good.
In fact, i almost kept them myself.
Truffles.
Second-rate.
But i do accept your apology.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Enjoy.
What happed to the guys that were following you? I had to cut a deal, a very expensive deal.
One of the other students has to be in on it, otherwise how could they have known we had the chalice at the market? Yes, but who? I bet it's that butt-kissing goodie-goodie.
I can smell a liar, a cheat and a thief a mile away.
I can smell one six inches away.
When's the last time you had a bath, stewey? Whoever it was, we've got to get to the basket before they do.
Let's split up again.
I'll meet you in the dining room.
The bathroom is that way, stewey.
There's only fifty of them! The time has come to stop fooling around.
Kill them.
The basket's there, but the chalice is missing.
Anyone could've taken it, sydney, there's no way of telling where.
You're early.
De la croix must have had several made to protect the real one.
H ow do you plan on telling the real one from the fakes? Whoever has the real one has to tell the truth.
Oh no, wait a minute, i'm not going through that again.
Oh! Asseyez-vous.
You know something, sydney, you could throw yourself across this table naked right now and i would just walk out.
Stewey! N ow we know it isn't this one.
Stewey, you're one of the most literate and intelligent professors i've ever met and i look up to you with the utmost regard.
I guess it's not this one.
It is good you are trying to reform yourself after having paid your debt to society.
Yeah, well, that's not exactly true, mate.
Well there are four corpses out in my backyard no one knows about.
The coppers find out, i'm back inside for life.
Okay, let's keep our eye on the chalice.
Let's not lose it again.
And then there's all the bank robberies they never got me on.
You should just go in and spray the place with a machine gun.
Calm down, stop this at once.
Class, please.
Let's have a little decorum here.
Let's make a toast.
What is he, nuts? There's nothing in here.
Must be symbolic.
You are, without question, the most pathetic group i have ever had.
Which is why i don't mind overcharging you.
- That's the one.
- That's the one.
Look at you, you three.
Or should i say you six? The only reason the men will come to your restaurant is for the melon specials.
I'm going to get the chalice.
Whoops.
Oh oh, my god.
And you, you tattooed ape, here's a tip save some money on cooking oil squeeze your hair over the pan before cooking.
Get your hands off me! Let's just do it.
Come here and say that.
Great big 'scuse me.
Ow! Where's the chalice? C ome here.
Take it back.
- Where's amanda? - Where'd she go? Amanda.
She must have taken it.
Whoops, watch my head, coming through.
- Oh.
- Ooh! H ug? - Oww.
- Creep.
- Aah! - U gh! U gh! U gh! Aah! Thanks, n igel, couldn't have done it without you.
That's got to be true.
Saturday? I'm so sorry, richard, i can't.
My brother-in-law's coming into town for the weekend and i've got to show him around, you know? Tuesday? N o can do, i've got to do charity work at the children's hospital.
Acutally, i'm not doing charity work at all.
In fact, i don't even like children.
Charity is such a total joke.
In fact, the only reason i keep stringing you along is so you'll keep doing half of my english assignments for me.
You've got about as much chance for a date with me as pam anderson drowning.
H i, claudia.
U m, you two should leave now.
- Are you okay? - N o.
The worst possible thing in the world is happening to me.
- What? - I'm being honest.
Did you sort those essays from sydney's thursday class like she asked you to? Of course not.
I just randomly shoved them into some file folders and stacked them neatly so it looked like i did.
Two can play at this game.
Did you teach sydney's wednesday's intro class until four o'clock? Yes.
N o! I mean, no, all right? N o.
Sydney, maybe we should go to the office now.
Oh, i don't think so.
I've got a few questions for both of you.
- Lunch? - Please.
N ow? Where do you want to go? - I don't care.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, i do, you're right.
I hate those soggy sandwiches you're always ordering.
- But you said you liked them.
- I lied.
En glish