Remington Steele (1982) s01e21 Episode Script

Someone at the table is cheating.
Customers don't cheat us.
We cheat them.
- [Chuckling.]
- How long will you be here? - Just until I'm dead.
- Tucker runs an international sports book.
He takes bets on any sporting event anywhere in the world.
- Show me how it works.
- That I know the winner when I make the bet.
If this is anything more or less than you say it is your brain will be the first thing to leave your body.
He's an old friend in trouble.
- I'm merely trying to keep him alive.
- [Gunshot.]
[Laura.]
Try this for a deep, dark secret The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Follow I always loved excitement.
So I studied and apprenticed and put my name on an office.
But absolutely nobody knocked down my door.
A female private investigator seemed so feminine.
So I invented a superior.
A decidedly masculine superior.
Suddenly, there were cases around the block.
It was working like a charm.
Until the day he walked in with his blue eyes and mysterious past.
And before I knew it he assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Now I do the work, and he takes the bows.
It's a dangerous way to live but as long as people buy it I can get thejob done.
We never mix business with pleasure.
Well, almost never.
I don't even know his real name.
- [Speaking French.]
- Eh? Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.
- [Speaking French.]
- Eh? Confounded batteries again.
Bloody well teach me to buy American, eh? [Speaks French.]
- [Chuckles.]
- [Speaks French.]
Black, 22.
[Speaks French.]
I think I'll stand fast where I am.
- Certain, sir? - [Chuckles.]
It's only plastic.
I say, what's he laughing at? [Speaks French.]
[Knock On Door.]
Excuse me, Mr.
Hoskins.
But someone at the roulette table is cheating.
How can that be? Customers don't cheat us.
We cheat them.
Some blokes have all the luck.
Well, I think I'll chuck it in too.
Good evening, would you cash these please? Thank you.
Mr.
Hoskins would like to compliment you on your extraordinary luck.
He should have - Who's your partner, mate? - L-I don't have one.
Sure, you do.
Needed one to pull the switch and work the wheel.
No.
You give me his name and you can walk out of here with no more than my admiration for a piece of work well-done.
- You gonna let him go? - He's just the shill.
I want the little darling that thought up this gem.
On the count of three.
One, two Chalmers, Daniel Chalmers.
You know, the chap with the silver hair and the hearing aid.
Of course.
He kept fiddling with it.
And every time he did, the ball seemed to jump into this bloke's number.
Thank you, Mr.
Hoskins.
L Thank you.
L-I promise you.
- You won't catch me around here anymore.
- [Gunshot.]
I ain't come 7,000 miles to be palmed off on some secretary.
I am Mr.
Steele's associate.
He was called away unexpectedly on another case and asked me to handle this preliminary interview.
Now if that isn't satisfactory, I'd be delighted to recommend another agency.
You Americans can be very gruff.
Here I am, a stranger in your country Remington Steele's the only name I know - and all you seem to want to do is turn me away.
- [Sighs.]
What brought you to Mr.
Steele in the first place? He was touted by a London solicitor.
They told me he was a man what always got his man.
Are you looking for someone, Mr.
Hoskins? A fellow named Daniel Chalmers.
You see, I run a private gaming club in London.
This fellow Chalmers had a big win.
Only I didn't have enough cash on hand to cover it.
Now he's going around telling everyone I'm a welsher.
Well, I can't have anyone walking around calling me a welsher.
So, I've gotta see he gets what's coming to him.
What makes you think he's in Los Angeles? In my kind of business, you have to have contacts.
These contacts tell me he's headed this way.
- Can you give me a description? - Early 60s, silver hair.
Wears a hearing aid.
Likes to live high off the hog, he does.
You know, fine frog restaurants, best hotels.
- [Intercom Buzzes.]
- Turf club at the track.
Excuse me.
- Yes, Bernice? - I have some good news, and some bad news.
- Which do you want first? - The former.
The venerable Mr.
Steele just called.
He's home sick with the flu.
- And the latter? - Your mother's here.
I'll be right out.
- Mother? - You're angry with me, aren't you? You're wondering why the old battle-ax didn't call first warn me she was coming.
Mother, it's always wonderful to see you, no matter how unexpected.
Oh, Laura.
You make me the happiest mother in the world.
[Sobbing.]
Mother, please.
Maybe you can collect yourself in here.
[Continues Sobbing.]
Right through here.
I'll be right in.
- What's that? - Uh, a client.
Here to thank Mr.
Steele for his help.
- Happy, is she? - Overjoyed.
We'll begin with the better hotels in town give you a progress report as soon as we can.
One thing, don't tell Danny boy I'm here.
I wanna see the look on his face when I pay him off.
Oh.
[Sobbing Continues.]
Any idea what's wrong with Mom? No, but I'm sure I'll find out in copious detail.
Stop it, Laura.
She's your mother.
I'll admit.
There are times when she sets my teeth on edge.
Still, she's obviously in great emotional pain and I should devote all my time and energy to seeing her through this difficult period.
I mean, nothing's pressing.
The workload's fairly light.
Skeezicks is out with a cold, which should lighten it even more.
- Maybe I should call him.
- You're just trying to postpone going in there.
Bernice, how can you say that? She's my mother, for heaven's sake.
Get him on the phone.
- Steele here.
- You sound awful.
- Beastly cold, beastly.
- [Jet Engines Idling.]
- What is that noise? - Noise? - It sounds like an airplane.
- I'm watching a movie.
Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo.
Heroic stuff.
Makes me proud to be in your brave country.
Well, I have to go now, Laura.
Time for my medication.
And please, Laura, don't, under any circumstances, come to my apartment.
One of us has to stay healthy.
Wonderful invention, that call forwarding.
- How was the flight, sir? - Bumpy.
Yes, we ran into some gale-force winds over Utah.
- Noisy.
- Mr.
Sinclair, now, that plane takes off at only 78 decibels.
Mr.
Sinclair's a very quiet man.
He can't abide a raucous plane.
Benton, do you think the board of directors would approve my buying a private jet? - Mr.
Sinclair, you are the board.
- That's true, I am.
Give your card to Benton here.
I'll firm up my decision by the end of the week.
Uh, you don't think that he's kidding, do you? About buying a plane? I mean, we've been flying for five days.
The fuel costs alone are astronomical.
Would Mr.
Sinclair have spent all this time talking with you if he wasn't serious? - I don't know.
- I do.
Good day.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
- There we go.
- Thank you.
- The chairman of the board.
- And his faithful aide.
[Chuckles.]
- How long will you be here? - Just until I'm dead.
Mother, won't you please tell me what's wrong? I don't want to burden you.
It's more of a burden not knowing.
[Sighs.]
Well.
If you insist.
You know, I haven't really been involved with anyone since your father took off like that.
Until Harvey came into my life.
- Harvey? - Dr.
Harvey Fennerman.
A doctor? That's wonderful! Actually, he's a dentist, children's orthodontia.
Oh.
Such meaningful work straightening all those crooked little teeth.
We met at a seminar on plaque.
You know how I like to keep current.
We saw a great deal of each other.
I, uh, I don't want this to shock you, dear.
But Harvey and I were planning a weekend together.
Oh, I felt so daring.
I even bought a whole new wardrobe in Harvey's favorite color.
And then he made his proposal.
He felt it was wrong of us to go off together if we didn't Get married? - He proposed marriage? - [Sobbing.]
He didn't propose marriage.
[Sobbing.]
Mother, I'm on the edge of my seat.
What in God's name did Harvey Fennerman propose? That he bring his wife along.
That the three of us get to know one another.
His wife! You mean he's married? I just couldn't be a good sport about it.
Now they're at the Ramada Inn, and I'm here.
[Sobbing.]
With a suitcase full of purple clothes.
[Sobbing.]
Mother, I have to take care of some business.
We'll talk more later.
No! You're not going to leave me here alone.
Now, Mother, remember.
I'm on a case, and I'm undercover.
Don't worry.
I won't faint.
Hello, I'm Myrtle Groggins, Society for the Preservation ofTrain Travel.
I believe I spoke with you earlier - about one of your guests, Daniel Chalmers.
- Yes? He's been selected international traveler of the month.
- Quite an honor.
- Well, it entitles him to a free train trip to any city west of Chicago.
Will you be good enough to announce me? - He isn't in.
- How do you know that? His key is still in the box.
Who's she? - Female traveler of the month.
- I'm supposed to be at the Ramada Inn in Oxnard.
Will you tell me do you know if he received my message? - Hasn't picked it up yet.
- Have him call me at this number.
We're really anxious to have him ride our rails.
Come along, Miss Foxe.
You know, Mother.
I'm really very flattered that you came to me instead of Frances.
Oh, I could never tell your sister any of this.
She and Donald are so incredibly happy together.
- She could never relate to a loser in love.
- But I could? Well, darling, you're not exactly besieged with suitors.
- There, Mother, you see we do have something in common.
- Yeah, emptiness.
Well, it's a start.
- What are we looking for? - Shh! A sign that someone's actually staying here.
What's this? [Chuckles.]
Mother, you're doing very well.
I would've done better in Oxnard.
You've come a long way, my boy.
Thanks in no small measure to your excellent tutelage.
No, I think this is another instance of the student surpassing the teacher.
You, a renowned private investigator.
It's mind-boggling.
Actually, I find it rather novel helping people.
I'm glad you're in practice.
- How bad is it? - Remember the major? - Oh, yes, of course.
How is he? - Dead, very dead.
I felt I was getting a bit long in the tooth to be bouncing around the continent relieving greedy people of their ill-gotten gains so I decided to finance my retirement.
I selected a particularly loathsome character by the name of Hoskins.
He runs probably the crookedest casino in London.
The major and I took him for 200,000 pounds.
The fox gets wiser, but he also gets slower.
The major missed getting out the door by a step.
Not that I blame him, but he gave Hoskins my name.
Oh, and now he's after you.
And with your help, he'll find me.
Well, I've engaged a suite at the Bonaventure in your name.
I left a slew of phone numbers to be traced.
- Then the rest is up to your associate.
- Miss Holt? Uh, a lawyer in London owed me a favor or two.
I called them in by having him recommend the Remington Steele Agency to Hoskins.
- We must keep this in the family.
- Why not have Remington Steele locate you? Oh, I need you for a far more demanding role.
Just make sure Hoskins never sees you as Remington Steele.
- [Doorbell Buzzes.]
- Who is it? - Laura.
- And Abigail.
Oh, quick, quick.
Get this, get this.
Yes.
[Coughing.]
Yes, I'm coming.
I'm just getting dressed.
Quick.
- [Doorbell Buzzes.]
- [Steele.]
Coming.
! [Continues Coughing.]
- Where do I go? - Yes, quick.
Through here.
Yes, go on.
[Clears Throat.]
Coming.
[Coughing.]
Oh, Mr.
Steele, you look pretty damn good for someone with the flu.
Wonder drugs.
Should be up in a matter of weeks or two.
- This wasn't my idea, but - Laura spent all day making you this chicken soup.
Abigail, please don't go in the kitchen! - [Abigail Shouts.]
- [Pots Clattering.]
There's a man lurking behind the refrigerator.
So sorry to have startled you, my dear.
I was just brewing a spot of tea for my sick friend.
Colonel Reginald Frobish, - Oh.
- The lieutenant and I were reliving former campaigns.
You were in the Royal Hussars? Ah, yes.
The shining 10th.
- How romantic.
- Once we washed down the dust of the Punjab it had its moments.
I can't wait to hear all about your days in the Punjab with Mr.
Steele.
[Sneezes.]
Laura, I beseeched you not to come here.
I'm still terribly infectious.
When do you think you'll be back in the office? Medical coverage run out, has it? We have a new client who insists on meeting you.
- Oh? - A man by the name of Albert Hoskins.
[Coughing.]
Hoskins is the one throwing the darts.
Hates Americans.
Fanatic about soccer, especially Manchester.
Never gambles, except an occasional bet on darts.
- And the other fella? - He's one of ours, Bailey.
- Do your stuff, kid.
- [Clears Throat.]
[Accent Thickens.]
Hello, Bailey, my son.
- It's collection day.
- Uh, hello, mate.
Look, I'm a bit light on this week.
No wonder.
I mean, anyone who'd take Leeds over Man United deserves to be bust, eh? - You a Manchester man? - Yeah, runs in the family.
My uncle used to play for them.
- What's your uncle's name? - Jack Todd.
Jack Todd.
Good Lord, he was the greatest goalkeeper in the first division.
Let's move it, Johnny.
You know how these limeys give me the creeps.
- Hold your bite, mate.
We're discussing the Manchester team.
- [Bailey.]
Mr.
Tucker - I'll bring the money round in the morning, first thing.
- I'll be waiting.
I got a theory about why you limeys are so batty about soccer.
Gives you a chance to watch all those young boys run around in short pants.
Who the hell is that? My boss, Jake Tucker.
You've got an ugly mouth, Mr.
Tucker.
No wonder you lost your empire.
You limeys are born losers.
Let me know when you get bored, yank.
A thousand says you can't make it four in a row.
Gambling's for silly sods like Bailey.
That's the English for you.
The minute they gotta back up their bluster they hide under the sheets.
A thousand it is.
- Get the darts, Johnny.
- Yes, sir.
Here you go, Mr.
Hoskins.
- Sorry about that, limey.
- I ain't got enough scratch on me.
I'll send Johnny around in the morning to get it.
Only be sure it's in good old American green.
[Laughing.]
See you, Mr.
Hoskins.
Daniel Chalmers is a very elusive fellow.
His hotel room hasn't been lived in even though he registered a week ago.
Nobody has seen him come or go, yet he's placed a dozen calls, eight to yacht brokers three to gambling equipment houses and one to an upholsterer in Torrance.
That don't mean nothing to me.
- What I want is Chalmers.
- Well, that's gonna take a bit longer than I anticipated.
Listen, lady.
You've got nice legs and a pretty face but that ain't why I hired you.
And I ain't spending any more time in this wretched city than I have to.
So why don't you get that high-powered boss of yours on this thing? Mr.
Steele is finalizing a case, and just as soon as Now! The next person I expect to see in this room is Remington Steele.
- Who's there? - Johnny Todd.
- A thousand green.
- Uh-uh-uh There's something you ought to know about last night, Mr.
Hoskins.
- Yeah? - Tucker cheated you.
- Why tell me that? - Because I think you'd like to take him down a peg or two.
- And so would I.
- Yeah? Why? It's a long story, but the short of it is I made the mistake of placing a bet with him, a bet I couldn't afford to lose.
So now I'm working it off being his collector.
Only now, it's time to wipe the debt clean and walk away with a few bob in my own pocket.
I can't stand people who try to make their problems mine.
Tucker runs an international sports book.
He takes bets on any sporting event anywhere in the world.
I mean, tennis matches in France, auto races in Germany soccer games in England.
I've found a way to get the results before he does.
That means that I know the winner when I make the bet.
Only, I need someone to place the bet for me.
- How much are you putting in? - Two thousand dollars.
- [Chuckles.]
- Two thousand dollars, at 20-to-1.
That's $40,000, enough to make a fresh start.
- Show me how it works.
- Then you're in? No, mate.
Just curious as to what your game is.
- Oh.
- Mother, what are you doing? Oh, don't you think it looks better this way? Much roomier.
Well, I had no idea that rearranging furniture had this effect on you.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
Come on.
What do you think of the roses? Well, it's a nice touch, but it really doesn't fit Mr.
Steele's image.
Oh, they're not his.
They're mine.
Somebody sent you two dozen roses? - Laura, you look so shocked.
- [Intercom Buzzes.]
Yes, Bernice? - It's for you.
- Oh.
Hello? [Chuckles.]
Don't be so wicked.
[Laughing.]
Laura, would you mind? No, no, of course not.
[Sighs.]
Yes? Who's on the phone with my mother? Uh, Colonel Reginald something or other, Murphy! - Leon Pinsky, say hello to Mr.
Hoskins.
- Never mind the formalities.
- Get on with it.
- There it is.
The key to untold riches.
- A video dish? - That's not just any video dish.
That's a Pinsky original.
I can punch into any broadcast satellite in the world with it.
Which means we can monitor any sporting event in the world, live.
And the minute it's over, Leon can call us up with the outcome.
Leon, my son, give us a guided tour.
Mr.
Hoskins.
- Pick a city, any city.
- Liverpool.
That's Liverpool and Newcastle.
The sports books gets its results from the U.
P.
I.
Out of Paris.
There's a two-minute, 16-second delay before it reaches here.
- [Hoskins.]
Corner, corner.
! - Plenty of time for Leon to deliver the information we need to make a sure bet.
I'll take half your winnings for my time and trouble.
Half? Leon's already in for a third.
That's your headache, not mine.
He's hooked.
All you gotta do is reel him in.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Leon, beautiful.
All right, mate.
Half it is.
If this is anything more or less than you say it is your brain will be the first thing to leave your body.
[Chuckles.]
Relax, mate.
There's not a thing that can go wrong.
Laura, wait a minute.
Now, you know I want this guy out of our lives more than anything but I feel a little slimy breaking into his apartment.
We're not breaking in.
We're merely saving him the bother of answering the door.
- Then why are we whispering? - In case he's napping.
He isn't napping.
In fact, he isn't even here.
Laura, Laura, Laura, I've never seen you this obsessed.
I wanna know everything I can about anyone who comes on to my mother.
She's just been through a very unhappy romantic experience.
And I don't want to see her hurt again.
"Leighton Sinclair, Britain.
" "Eric Gunnar, Sweden.
" [Scoffs.]
"Colonel Reginald Frobish, Hong Kong.
" "Daniel Chalmers, Canada.
" Isn't that the guy Hoskins is looking for? What do you want to do about it, Laura? Blow the lid off whatever scam Mr.
Steele and his friend are pulling.
Ah, wonderful.
Should make quite an impression on our Mr.
Hoskins.
- How is our fish doing? - Well, he's not only swallowed the bait - he's practically trying to throw himself into the boat.
- [Chuckles.]
[Inhales.]
Nothing titillates the senses more than a first-rate sting.
- You ever miss it? - Oh, I have the occasional wistful longing a pang or two of regret.
- What do you do about it? - Cheat at solitaire until the feeling passes.
That Miss Holt is quite a bundle, isn't she? - Hmm, yes, yes.
- Intelligent, independent, scrupulously honest.
In short, everything you ordinarily loathe in a woman.
- Yes, but she does have a certain - Allure? Uniqueness.
You know, for someone who could never stay tied down to one place or one of anything for very long - you sound almost domesticated.
- Does that sadden you, Daniel? It intrigues me.
- Will that be necessary? - I'm afraid so.
- Will that be necessary? - I'm afraid so.
Dreadful things.
[Coughing.]
Laura, I sincerely hope you didn't drag a man in my condition all the way down here simply to show me your new floor plan.
- Still under the weather, are we? - Oh, raging fever.
Rampant chills.
[Coughing.]
Wretched cough.
I'll simply take one or two aspirins and ring you in the morning.
Oh, yes.
On your way out if you could ask Bernice to get Albert Hoskins on the phone for me.
I want to tell him I've located Daniel Chalmers.
He's masquerading as a colonel in the Royal Hussars.
I realize trust is not something bestowed, but earned.
And on the face of it, I've done nothing to earn yours.
Notice how I'm not jumping in to argue with you? The truth is that Daniel relieved Hoskins of? 200,000 beating him at his own crooked game.
A valued associate lost his life in the process.
Now Hoskins is using you as a Judas goat to lead Daniel to the slaughter.
Hoskins isn't the only one who's using me.
Daniel arranged your involvement without my knowledge.
And what does this counterfeit colonel have in mind for my mother? Sending her roses, making her giggle like a schoolgirl.
- Perhaps he likes her.
- [Scoffs.]
Laura, simply because a man earns his living on the shady side of the street doesn't mean that he's beyond human emotions that he can't care very deeply and very passionately for someone.
And he even might attempt to make a change.
He's an old friend in trouble.
I'm merely trying to keep him alive until he can retire.
Will you help me? - [Doorbell Buzzing.]
- ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Classical Waltz On Stereo.]
Ah, Miss Holt.
What an unexpected, yet delightful intrusion.
- [Abigail.]
Who is it, Reggie? - Mother! - Laura? - I thought you were going to a Garbo retrospective.
- I'd seen it already.
- I took the liberty of asking your mother to have dinner with me.
The colonel is teaching me how to make his souffle rise.
Don't take your coat off, dear.
I know you can't stay.
Uh, my daughter's a private eye.
Uh, she works around the clock and is probably on her way to a stakeout right now.
I'm sure your daughter and I can find something to chat about while you're basting the rabbit.
Oh, well, uh I guess it would be a good idea if you got to know one another.
[Chuckles.]
I'll baste the rabbit.
A pity to waste the music, isn't it? I think I've been waltzed around enough.
I'm aware of your predicament, Mr.
Chalmers.
I see.
Are you going to join the fray? First, I want to know everything about the man I euphemistically call Remington Steele.
- And I don't mean the Punjab.
- Well, let's see.
When I found him, he was an uneducated unsophisticated, unwanted young man filled with hostility and violence.
I know it's difficult to believe we're talking about the same person.
But there he was, on the streets of London, hustling for a quid.
So you took him under your wing? Perhaps as the son I never had.
And like any good father, you taught him how to be a consummate con man a charming cheat.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
The rabbit's basting, and the souffle is rising and I don't think we ought to detain Laura any longer.
- I'll be leaving in a minute, Mother.
- Oh.
Well, don't rush off on my account.
Go on.
The years were good to us.
But then Harry - Harry.
His name's Harry? - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Resumes.]
That's what I finally wound up calling him in self-defense.
He had a bag full of names.
I doubt if even he knew which was the real and which were the product of his fertile imagination.
But eventually, he became gripped with wanderlust and moved on.
We kept in touch as best we could.
Our paths crossed occasionally.
And I marveled at the elan he'd acquired along the way.
Would you like to sample the souffle, dear? Uh, if I'm not intruding.
Oh, how could you say that? - Have I met your requirements? - One more thing.
I want you to say good-bye to my mother, gently, but firmly.
But she's such a charming woman.
No offense, but you're not exactly Mr.
Stability and she's on the emotional edge as it is.
Another disastrous encounter and there's no telling what might happen to her.
[Sighs.]
If I must.
Here's the souffle, dear.
Now, I've put a little plastic spoon in here so that you can eat it before it gets cold.
- Mother.
- There.
Ta-ta.
Oh.
Children, they can be such a burden.
[Chuckles.]
[All Chattering, Indistinct.]
All right, everyone.
Showtime.
[Man On Intercom.]
France, Tennis.
French Open.
Davis over Martinez.
Shaving it a bit close, aren't you? I mean, Pinsky's already called with the results.
Manchester: 5.
Arsenal: 4.
Down there.
[Laura.]
I'm going in there, and you can't stop me.
Steady.
I'm sorry, miss.
Admittance only by invitation.
- It's okay, Rog.
- Step aside, buster, or I'll blow the whistle on this barge.
In case the news hasn't reached you yet, gambling is illegal in this state.
Let the lady in.
I'm Jake Tucker.
I own this barge.
What can I do for you? I'm looking for someone, an Englishman by the name of Daniel Chalmers.
I've heard he likes to frequent places like this.
- What do you want with this Chalmers? - Client owes him some money.
- That's a switch.
- Hired me to find him.
Be my guest.
- Did you make the bet? - There's a fella here who I don't want to see me before I see him.
You brute! You sent me a note, a lousy note.
After all we've meant to one another.
But we've only known each other a few hours.
Well, it is not the quantity, it's the quality.
- Hey, where are you going? - To stop her before she spills everything.
We can't have Hoskins know that she's your mother.
He'll smell a setup.
- Then you do something.
- I'm Johnny Todd, remember? I mean, she catches one glimpse of me as Remington Steele and she'll be shouting all over the place.
To everything there's a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
What? You didn't even spell my name right! - It's Abigail with an "I.
" - [Man On P.
A.
.]
English soccer final.
- Manchester: :5.
Arsenal: :4.
- Nice going, mate.
Very nice.
There's always tomorrow, mate.
Whatever happened to "firm but gentle"? I'm afraid your mother just doesn't take rejection well.
I only hope she doesn't go off the deep end.
- Hey, where are you going? - Something came up.
- What about my bet? - Sorry, mate.
It ain't gonna happen.
Sorry? You flub it last night, and now you're leavin', and all you can say is sorry? The fella I've been looking for with a vengeance has just been found.
- I've gotta pay him my last respects.
- Hang on a second.
What about my chance to cut loose ofTucker? Why don't you just put a bullet in his ear? Come in.
Albert Hoskins, may I present Remington Steele? - Hey, Hoskins, how are you? - Mr.
Steele.
- You want a belt? - Oh, it's a little early for me.
All right.
Fill me a bourbon, sweetie.
The lady tells me you've found Chalmers.
Well, he was right under her nose, only she was too dumb to see it.
These broads, they make me laugh, thinking they can compete with a man especially in a business as tough as this one.
I had my doubts about her right along, Mr.
Steele.
She's all right in the traditional stuff.
You know, running errands making coffee, looking beautiful.
- Oh.
- Thank you, baby.
Now park it and listen to a pro operate.
These phone calls Chalmers made from the hotel yacht brokers, gambling equipment houses, an upholsterer in Torrance.
They led me right to him.
He leased a yacht in the marina ordered dice tables, a roulette wheel, had the entire main salon redone.
So I busted into thejoint.
Tell me what Chalmers is supposed to look like.
Early 60s, silver hair, wears a hearing aid.
Albert Hoskins, meet Daniel Chalmers.
- Apparently, Chalmers was wearing a disguise when - Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart.
I told you to park it.
I can run Mr.
Hoskins through this, thank you very much.
Apparently Chalmers was wearing a disguise when you first met him.
- For what reason, I don't know.
- But you know what name he goes by now.
He runs an illegal sports book under the name ofJake Tucker.
- It's a danger signal.
- What? - You're cheating at solitaire.
- [Winces.]
Well, it'll soon be over, and I'll be on my way.
Care to join me? One final romp across the continent, hmm? A last hurrah, as it were.
Yes, well, there's part of me that's tempted.
Which part, the one that acts or the one that dreams? [Phone Ringing.]
- Yes? - Hello, Johnny? - I thought you blasted off.
- Can you get me a score on the Manchester-Burnley match? I'll lay an extra thousand on for you.
Be here by 8:00 tonight.
[Tapping Phone Keys.]
- Hoskins bought it.
- I knew he would.
Murphy and I were nothing short of brilliant.
The next part's the tricky one.
Don't worry.
I can handle that.
I just wish I could tell my mother what's going on.
We'll explain everything after this evening, okay? We're on.
Next stop: A modest villa in the south of France where I can spend my declining years watching bikini bottoms frolic about the Mediterranean.
Things, uh, may get a little swift tonight.
So I'd better say something I've always wanted to say, but never had the courage.
- What's that? - Thank you.
Oh.
All right, then.
We're having a sociable drink.
What's on your mind? Mr.
Steele didn't tell you everything that was discovered about Daniel Chalmers.
- Why not? - Because Mr.
Steele didn't find him, I did.
I do the work.
He takes the bows.
Why, he wouldn't exist without me.
I practically invented the guy.
So you don't like your boss.
What's it to me? I need every cent I can get my hands on to start my own agency.
So if you want to make a contribution I'll be happy to tell you what else I found.
How much? Five thousand.
Let's hear it.
Let's see it.
Chalmers has a complete dossier on you.
What? He thinks you killed a friend of his in London, somebody called the major.
He's waiting for you to walk on that ship.
When you do, he's gonna even the score.
You're lying.
How did he know I was coming back? Don't you think he's missed the wig and hearing aid by now? You'll never get past the front door carrying that piece.
And he'll know you're onto him.
It don't bother you I may have killed somebody? I don't care what happened in London.
I only care what happens to me.
You ain't very principled, are you? Can't afford to be on what Steele pays me.
Then you hold it for me.
- That'll cost extra.
- Come on.
- I can't go in there.
- Listen, lady.
You're packing the only protection I got.
I ain't letting you out of my sight.
- Do the honors, Johnny.
- Sorry, Mr.
Hoskins.
He's clean.
Bad news.
Burnley trounced Manchester, 6-nothing.
It's only a game, Johnny.
This is life.
- How much are you betting? - $50,000.
That's too much to bet against Manchester.
He'll smell something.
- He might sniff it right back to me.
- Listen, bucko.
Your boss took me for 200,000 quid.
Then set himself up in business with my money.
I figure the only way I'm gonna get it back is through that window.
English soccer.
First my husband, then Harvey Fennerman, and now you! - Well, I'm sick of it! - Mo [Sirens Wailing.]
- [Gunshots.]
- Coppers! - Back.
Leave the money.
- [Woman Screams.]
- [Gunshots Continue.]
[Sirens Wailing.]
- Mother! - Oh, hello, dear.
- He's got my money in there.
- You wanna go back in there, do you? Nah, it was almost worth 50,000 to see Chalmers dead and gone.
- Airport.
- Thanks, Johnny.
You know, mate.
You're the only honest person I met in this bum country.
[Engine Starts.]
[Steele.]
He's on his way to the airport.
Rise and shine, dear.
[Laughter, Applause.]
Yes.
[Abigail.]
Oh, wonderful.
Bravo, bravo.
Well, Hoskins's gun is on its way to England and it should prove to be the one that killed the major.
And with Hoskins thinking I'm dead, I won't have to spend the rest of my life - looking over my shoulder.
- Why didn't you tell me? Would you have allowed your mother to participate in our little drama? - Of course not.
- Oh, honey, I am no stranger to theatrics.
After all, I had the lead in our high school production of The Corn is Green.
Mother, Mother, those were real bullets that were flying across the room.
Well, not the ones I directed to Daniel.
You gave my mother live ammunition? - Well, we had to make it appear to be as realistic as possible.
- Mm-hmm.
To all of you, in affection and gratitude I extend an open invitation to visit me in the south of France.
[Sighs.]
Well, as a matter of fact - I was thinking of going to Europe this summer.
- [Chuckles.]
To Harvey Fennerman.
Eat your heart out.
[Mews.]