Sledge Hammer! s01e21 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Daley, I'll give you one guess as to why I'm in such a good mood.
Um Inspector Hammer has been kidnapped by aliens for use in laboratory experiments.
Close.
Hammer is going to triaI today for murder.
Captain, you don't believe he shot Hugo Victor in cold blood, do you? What I can't believe is that Hammer shot him only once.
Restraint is not one of his strong points.
Victor is a big racketeer.
He had many other enemies besides Hammer.
But none as psychotic as Hammer.
Victor beat every rap that Hammer brought against him, so Hammer finally snapped.
I just don't believe he did it.
- I don't believe he did it either.
- I don't either.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you think Inspector Hammer is guilty? Yes, I do.
- Who is that? - Hammer's attorney.
What? - Here he comes! - Inspector Hammer Inspector! Suzi Shallow for ChanneI Six News.
How does it feeI to be charged with the murder of Hugo Victor? I'm mad.
Somebody else got the fun of killing the cheeseball and I get the blame.
Go cover a bake-off.
Pardon me Oh! The death of Hugo Victor.
Tragic accident or public service? Suzi Shallow, ChanneI 6 News.
Sledge.
I know things are looking pretty grim, but we're behind you 100%.
I'm not worried.
I'm gonna get off.
I'm a cop.
Judges are our friends.
- We're on the same team.
- All rise.
There isn't a judge in the country who'd convict me Except her! Court Judge Grim presiding.
I would like to say, Your Honour, that is a particularly becoming shade of black.
This court will not be influenced by flattery.
- Would you rather have cash? - Sit down! You're charged with murder in the first degree.
How do you plead? I never plead.
Usually I don't even ask.
- Just tell her guilty.
- What? You'll get off on appeaI.
It'll be a better ending for the movie of the week.
You egg-sucking leech.
- How about a book? - Get out.
How about a musicaI based on a book? - Get out! Go chase an ambulance! - A book based on a musicaI? How about a rock video? Inspector, what do you propose to do for counseI? Er Clarence Darrow.
Your Honour, we can hire an attorney from the Save Sledge Fund we started at the precinct - Doreau, no.
- How much did you collect? A dollar 99.
Inspector Hammer? The court needs an answer.
What are you going to do? Your Honour I've decided to represent myself.
Hammer! Don't do that.
I will lend you the money.
Thanks, but no thanks.
And I plead not guilty.
See? I got 'em in the palm of my hand.
The prosecution may call its witness.
Your Honour, the prosecution calls RC Victor.
Your relationship to the deceased? Surviving son and professionaI playboy.
Can you describe now, in your own words, the events of the night of January 24th? I'd arrived at the precinct to baiI my father.
He'd been arrested for jaywalking by that gibbering maniac Hammer.
I'm sorry, Your Honour.
That slipped.
Whoa! See? Try it.
Anyway, that turkey had the audacity to confront my father with a gun.
What's going on here? Who let this lungfish out of his cage? He paid his baiI.
We had to let him go.
- Why? - Because that's the law.
- You're kidding? - Hammer.
All right, Victor.
We'll release you.
Nobody says we have to release you alive.
You wanna try something? I've got a black belt.
Yeah? I got a silver gun.
Yeah.
I heard about that little thing.
Wait! Hammer! Are you out of your mind? Hammer, what the hell is going on out here? I was demonstrating some low-impact aerobics with Officer Smith.
Hammer! I'll see that you're busted down to Cub Scout for this! You just wanna see me in short pants.
You miserable can of tuna.
I'll get you if it's the last thing I do.
The next day Hammer shot my father.
- No further questions, Your Honour.
- Inspector Hammer? Yes, could I take the witness into a dark room with some rubber hose? - I object, Your Honour.
- OK.
I'll use a lead pipe.
The witness may step down.
The prosecution calls Mrs Rebecca Manderley.
Mrs Manderley, would you tell the court the events of the 25th? Certainly.
Inspector Hammer came to see Mr Victor that morning.
I showed him into the study.
A few minutes later I heard all sorts of cursing and shouting and crashing.
Suddenly there was a gunshot.
I ran into the study and Oh! Oh Oh, faith and begorrah.
Father? Mrs Manderley, canceI my father's golf appointment.
It was Inspector Hammer I saw driving away that morning.
No further questions.
Inspector? Mrs Manderley, how long did you work for Victor? - 32 years.
- 32 years? That's a very long time.
- You must have liked him.
- He was all right.
All right? I'd say you thought he was more than just all right.
- I'd say you loved him.
- What? Loved him enough to lie about who killed him.
Since you met him dancing in the Hula Bar, you've been in love with him.
A whirlwind romance.
Then your beauty faded and you became the dried-up old hag you are today, but your love burned ever brighter.
So you took a job to be near him and you became his housekeeper.
Admit it.
You were addicted to love.
Then he got a new younger, prettier girI than you.
A girI who had a gun tattooed on her Anyway, she was cute.
You couldn't take it any more, so you stood behind the study door, waited untiI I left and then shot him in a fit of jealous rage! That's how it happened, isn't it, Mrs Manderley? Nonsense! Hugo was terrible in the sack, so I dumped him, but he paid well so I stayed on.
That's the end of the story.
Uh-huh.
Well, it was worth a try.
No further questions, Your Honour.
- Read that back to me.
- What's the point? - You don't have a snowball's chance in hell.
- That's what I thought she said.
You may step down.
Mr Burnham? The prosecution would like to call Inspector Sledge Hammer.
Inspector Hammer, give us your version of what happened that morning.
Well, as long as I'm up here.
I drove to Hugo Victor's house - Inspector Hammer to see you.
- State your business and get out! - I've got a tee-off time in half an hour.
- Yeah? Well, I'm already teed off.
Hey! What are you doing? I'll take the penalty.
I'm gonna watch you like a hawk.
Wherever you go, I go, Hugo.
- Water hazard.
- What are you doing, Hammer? You got nothing on me and never will.
Even if you did put me behind bars, I'd be out just like that.
Maybe I should put you away permanently.
Oh! This is a tough course.
Now I'm in a sand trap.
Hammer, I'm warning you, you've gone too far.
I'm warning you! I'm gonna take a Mulligan on this.
If anything does happen to me, my son's gonna take over and he's worse than I am.
I'll send you both on a permanent vacation.
Have a reunion in the place where bad people burn for eternity.
I've been to the Bahamas! Oh, no! Oh, hmm.
One of my better games.
See you on the back nine divot breath.
So when you left, Hugo Victor was still alive? Unfortunately, yes.
Then how do you explain this? I don't know.
Your Honour, I would like to enter as Exhibit A Is it time for People's Court? This videotape is from a surveillance camera at Hugo Victor's house.
'Well, see you on the back nine divot breath.
' 'No ' Can I see that part again? Recess! Inspector Hammer, what do you think of the videotape we just saw? Not enough action, but it had a great finish.
On a Hammer scale, I give it four bullets.
- Do you think? - I never think.
That's what makes me a good cop.
Now get off my back, you prattling parasite.
Hammer, the microphone - The tape.
What's going on? - I don't know.
I know I did not kill Hugo Victor.
I never forget the good times in my life.
It's gonna take a miracle to get you off.
Well, say hello to Saint Hammer.
- I just thought of the witness I can call.
- Who you gonna call? Your Honour, for my next witness I call Inspector Sledge Hammer.
'Testing, testing.
'Inspector, the court is well aware of your distinguished record.
' You're too kind.
'No, no.
I mean it.
But let's move on.
'Hugo Victor was let go on baiI.
Why was that?' Because of namby-pamby judges who insist on little details like search warrants and conclusive proof and stuff like that.
'Yes.
I know exactly how you feeI.
' If he keeps playing this tape, it's gonna kill him.
I hope we get to hear side two.
'Despite your frustration, you had no intention of killing Victor.
- 'Is that true?' - No way.
That's it, Hammer.
Turn that damn thing off! Let me fast-forward to the good part.
- 'Can we just get this over with?' - That's just, er I don't know how that go on there.
- I went too far.
- You're telling me.
That's not right.
Come on.
Get off.
This dang machine! Stop! Have you gone completely mad? - Don't worry.
She's talking to me.
- Who are you talking to? This is just I just - Inspector Hammer.
- What? Surrender your weapon.
Sir? Do it! Your Honour, the defence would like to call Detective Dori Doreau.
This is where we get 'em on the run, Doreau.
Will you kindly tell the court exactly what I said when I heard that Victor was being released? Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The whole truth? I don't think that's a good idea.
They won't und Detective, I'm sure you have nothing to hide.
As soon as we heard that Victor made baiI I'm gonna get you, you miserable can of tuna, if it's the last thing I do.
Gentlemen, this way please.
Hammer maybe Hugo Victor is innocent.
Doreau, the sign said, "Don't walk" and he stepped in the crosswalk.
I'm talking about racketeering.
He's so crooked, he moonlights as a corkscrew.
- We don't have any proof.
- Not yet.
Hammer, you're not thinking of doing something illegaI? Manufacturing evidence is a police tradition.
Come on, Captain.
Just this once let's go over the edge.
Huh? Just a little piece of evidence.
Just something small like a body.
All right.
That will be all.
Thanks for nothing.
Your Honour, are your shoes too tight? I just was checking.
For my next witness, I call Captain Trunk.
For my next witness, I call Captain Trunk.
Captain, please Captain Trunk.
Captain Trunk, have you ever known me to be violent or irrationaI? I'll rephrase that.
Have I ever been violent or irrationaI without a reason? Your Honour, do I have to answer that? Why don't we just skip to the multiple choice? Please describe the events that took place after I returned from visiting Victor.
- Hammer, you don't - Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
OK.
Well It was like this.
Hi, there.
Oops.
I just thought I'd come by and say hello.
It's a beautifuI day, isn't it? - That's a very natty tie, Captain.
- Hammer? Have you been whiffing gunpowder again? No, no.
I just returned from a very successfuI meeting with Hugo Victor.
And I think our problems are over.
Hello.
- That call informed you of the murder? - Yes.
Describe to us your thoughts when you found that out.
I knew you'd do it! It's finally happened and you've gone and done it! I oughta! Silence! I'm sorry, Your Honour.
I lost controI for a second.
Yes, he did.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
Then what did I say? That for two cents you'd blow Victor to fish food and give back change.
- Then what happened? - Before you bit Mr Victor in the hand? Or after you kicked him in the shins? - In layman's terms.
- It was a heart shot.
- Direct centre.
Like you always do.
- OK.
No more questions.
The bullet was from a.
44 Magnum, like you always carry.
- No further questions.
- And we found prints like yours.
That's enough! Don't you understand English? Thank you.
For my next witness, the defence would like to, um call RC Victor.
- Did you get along with your father? - Sure.
He'd slap me around, but what are dads for? Like he got you in a choke hold when you were sleeping? - Something on the front, boomf? - No.
Inspector Hammer! Objection overruled! Enough chitchat.
Is it true that you had a serious falling-out with your father about when you'd take over the family business? Yes.
And if anything happened to your father, you would inherit everything? - Yes, but - But me no buts! Ladies and gentlemen, I submit that he had the opportunity, the motivation and the means with which to kill his father, and he did! - I was out pruning the roses.
- You're Iying! - I'm not.
- You're Iying! - I'm not! - You're Iying! On my father's grave.
- Your Honour the defence rests.
- It's about time.
You may step down.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may retire to ponder your verdict.
In the meantime, this court is in recess.
Anybody need help with parking tickets? I can do that.
Hammer? Hammer! Where's your dignity? I know where it's gonna be if I get no takers.
I'm doing ten to 20 for murder.
- Get a hold of yourself! - You got a hold of me already.
Any violations? - Listen, I'm behind you all the way.
- That's nice of you, Doreau.
They don't have co-ed jails.
I tell you what, we'll split the time.
- Hammer! - What? She offered.
Inspector Hammer, any predictions for the future? Scientists will perform the first brain transplant.
You'll be the recipient.
The jury has reached a decision.
Oh, finally.
How long were they out? - 30 seconds.
- Ooh.
Will the defendant please rise? Of the charge of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant, Inspector Sledge Hammer, guilty.
- How about three out of five? - Inspector do you have any thing to say before I render my extremely harsh sentence? I want a cell with a western exposure.
I don't like the sun waking me up.
Enough! We're not talking about a slap on the wrist.
- What? Did you say wrist? - Wrist.
I just thought of something.
Anybody could have impersonated me.
You can't even see my face.
All they would have needed was somebody with my build.
Somebody like RC Victor! It's impossible.
I was in the garden.
No, you weren't.
You waited behind the study door and when I left you shot your own father.
A world-class sprinter couldn't have got from the roses to the study between the time you heard the shot and you appeared on that video.
- That's a lie! It was easy.
- Yeah? And what about that? And what about that? - I cut myself shaving.
- No, you didn't.
You're going to jaiI.
For the murder of your own father.
Stand back! - Thanks for taking away my gun.
- Nag, nag, nag.
Out of my way! As you can see, a gunfight has broken out behind me in the courtroom.
Nuts! Ah! - This is amazing.
- What do you mean? For once the press came in handy.
What would you have done if you had been found guilty? I could have done that time standing on my head.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
When you go to prison they take your gun away.
- You're pulling my leg, right? - No.
- You could see it on visitors' day? - No.
That's crueI and unusuaI punishment.
Yes.