Suburgatory (2011) s01e21 Episode Script

1 (Western showdown music playing) (Tessa) They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day But ever since Noah's surrogate, A.
K.
A.
, my dad's pregnant girlfriend, moved in (Squish) It was also the most awkward.
Pregnancy cravings? No, I eat this every day.
It's a good source of energy because it's live.
What's live? My chia seed porridge, silly.
(Chuckles) Mm.
You got a little - Mm.
- Chia there.
You know what never gets stuck in your teeth? - Hmm? - White icing.
- Good morning.
- (Singsongy) Morning! Mwah.
- Hi.
- Is it school picture day? - (Laughs) - What? (Chuckles) Very funny.
I don't get it.
George usually comes to breakfast in old sweatpants and a nasal strip.
Thank you, Tessa.
I warmed up your icing for you.
Oh, thank you.
I am starving.
(High-pitched voice) "No! Don't do it, George.
"I'm so much healthier and yummier.
Try me.
I'm on the stove!" (Normal voice) Don't look at me.
It's the chia seed talking.
Did I miss something? (Chuckles) Eden's food is alive.
Her comic timing O-okay.
Hey, you cooked You cooked this, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
That's nice.
That's, uh, very rich and earthy, uh George! I went to all this trouble.
(High-pitched voice) "Help! "I'm drowning in a pool of fructose!" (Laughing) "I can't feel my own goodness!" How long are you in town for? (Sighs) So (Sighs) How long is she in town for? (Closes drawer) - It's a fair question.
- Great.
What's the answer? I want to mark it down on my calendar with a big smiley face.
Okay.
Well, late June she should deliver, so early July she should be Could be leaving.
It might be the middle of August.
I'm not exactly sure, but whether it's many, many weeks more or only three weeks more or or six months from when she moved in or a year from when she first conceived or three months from the middle of June So you haven't discussed it yet.
No, we haven't talked about that.
(Sighs) Have you discussed how long she spends in the bathroom every morning when I need to get ready for school? Look, I know it's annoying having someone else in your space telling you what to eat and how to live and to not use the Internet.
What? She doesn't want us to use the Internet.
- Because? - Because she read a report saying the wireless signal causes fetal sterility.
She's worried about the baby, having babies? It would seem so, yeah.
But, hey, look, I know it's a lot to put up with, but it's not forever.
Right.
Just three months or Many, many weeks from the midsummer date you refuse to commit to.
Right.
(Alih Jay) last night I had a pleasant nightmare Da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da All right.
Another great scheduled visitation with my unborn baby! (Laughs) See you next visit.
Bells on! And, Noah, you don't have to have your office call to confirm.
I'll be here.
Good stuff! That's good stuff! You are screwed.
Beg pardon? She's got that baby wrapped around her uterus.
She's got the uterus wrapped around the baby.
That's how it's supposed to be.
You're missing the point, dum-dum.
She's in that baby's head all day, every day.
She's got his ear, and the male voice he hears the most belongs to George.
George.
He swears that he only let Eden move in to keep her from going back to Montana, but a small part of me wonders if it wasn't self-motivated.
A big part.
Almost all of me.
There is not one part of me that does not feel that! Then you need to keep your baby close and the people who carry your baby closer.
If I were you, I would double the length of those scheduled visits.
Let that baby know who his daddy is.
Oh, he'll know who his daddy is.
Will he? Oh, yeah.
He'll know.
- Who's his daddy? - I am.
- Who's his daddy? - I'm his daddy! - Who's his daddy? - I'm his daddy! - Who's his daddy?! - I'm his daddy! - Who's his daddy?! - Who's your daddy?! You've never met! He lives in Oregon! (Both panting) (Sniffles) (Car door opens) (Jangle) Dalia, I've been looking for my keys for 20 minutes, and once again, they were in the pouch of penuche, your kangaroo.
He likes shiny things.
I'm well aware.
Your kangaroo is a klepto, and yesterday, he kicked Carmen in the gut.
She provoked him.
(Sighs) Dalia, face it.
Kangaroos weren't meant to live in spacious mediterranean revivals.
So we'll move.
We are not movin'! Kangaroo Jack is the one who's movin' To the guesthouse.
But penuche isn't a guest.
He's family.
Can't we just lock up the silver like we do when the service people are here and make Carmen wear a medieval suit of armor? (Chuckles) Well, it would be funny to make Carmen wear a medieval suit of armor (Door opens) But no! No, we can't.
(Door closes, crash, glass shatters) Oh, Lord.
(Sighs) I suspect that's the China cabinet.
(Gasps) Oh, he learned how to open doors! This is it, Dalia! This is how the monkeys rose! It's nice to have someone cooking for us, right? Are you kidding, George? It smells like Sugar-coated yum-yum.
Sweet sugar yum-yum.
Our tummies are growling.
(Chuckles) Nice save, George.
Ta-da (George) Mmm.
Introducing wheat meat.
I was worried the extra corn would make the loaf too loose, but it didn't.
(Solid thudding) Yep.
She's a firm one.
Come on, Tessa.
Let's dig in.
The wheat meat loaf won't eat itself.
I don't blame it.
So how was school today? They made texting a language, so I can officially drop Spanish.
Okay, Tessa, now listen to me.
I hated French I mean,hated it But I stuck with it, and now, if we were in Paris and I had a sore throat, I could tell someone.
So? Tessa, your dad is right.
As Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run" "Which run" "And out of which" "Out of which" They grow.
" "They grow," so That Doesn't resonate with me.
All right.
Let's take a vote.
Whoever thinks Tessa should continue to feed her soul with, uh, the language blood, raise your hand.
Ohh! Is she even registered to vote here? She is now.
(Chuckles) The food sucks, there's no wi-fi, and the two of them are ganging up on me.
I have to get out of this house, Lisa.
I'm counting down the days until macrame camp.
I can't stand being under the same roof with the woman formerly known as "mother.
" Still harping on the adoption stuff, huh? Yeah, and as soon as I get my D.
N.
A.
results back, I can prove once and for all that I am not a Shay.
Well, I have to figure out an exit strategy of my own, or you're gonna have to box-weave me a noose this summer.
Oh, they don't let us do that any more, but what if you came to macrame camp with me? I mean, I, for one, can't wait to weave my troubles behind me.
Just picture it, Tess.
Cool wind in your hair (Wind chime tinkling) The feeling of bristly yarn against your fingertips, the sound of the interstate muted by a thin line of balding trees.
(Truck horn blares and passes) I don't know if macrame camp is for me.
I'm more of a city girl.
Camp in New York? The cost of thread alone What about an internship, like, at a newspaper? I have experience on "the Chatswin chatterer.
" I could live in Manhattan.
Do you actually think your dad would allow that? I don't know, Lisa.
It's complicated.
Something's gotta give.
The thing I love most about her movies is how sexually active the older women are.
You guys were talking Nancy meyers, right? No one who still gets their period is ever talking about Nancy meyers.
We were talking about camp.
Sports camp? Can't wait.
Sports camp? Who's going to sports camp? We're going to macrame camp.
I'm not going to macrame camp.
We said we were spending the summer together.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm going to macrame camp, so unless you're gonna box-weave me a noose They don't do that any more.
(Bell rings) Picture it, Malik.
Cool wind in your hair (Whispers) I've gotta go.
The feeling of bristly yarn but I had the last laugh.
That summer, I grew body hair, and after that, no one could call me "lady-pits.
" (Sighs) Noah, I can't feel my legs, and I have to pee.
You're leaning on my bladder.
So we take a bathroom break.
I'm not completely unreasonable.
Empty out, and then we'll travel to junior prom, which I almost didn't attend! (Laughs) (Grunts) The theme of my prom was "cats.
" (Eden) Noah! (Toilet flushes) (High-pitched voice) Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
Enough.
I'm sorry! I just want the baby to know who I am and to know which cat I dressed up as to the prom rum tum tugger! I'm sorry, Noah, but time's up.
You've been here for three hours, and, frankly, I've had enough! Okay? Off you go.
"Off you go"? Don't talk like that to me in front of the baby.
Look, I get that you don't like me.
Frankly, I got it a couple weeks ago - when you moved out.
- I moved out because you have no ability to respect other people's boundaries.
You are the one with no respect for me.
You think that I'm going to be a bad father, but I'll tell you something.
If you have seen me take care of my sports car, if you have seen me lint-brush my cashmere cardigan, then you have seen me care for beautiful things, and that baby is going to be my most beautiful thing We hope.
I mean, you know, my mother-in-law Textbook grotesque Rest her soul.
(Clicks teeth) You're a piece of work.
Okay, the only fair way to decide which camp Malisa attends is for each of you to sample the other's passion.
(Gasps) Not that passion! You can sample that passion on your own time.
So if we're good at the other person's passion, we do have to go to their camp or we don't? Knot up, Malik, and find your weave.
Sorry if that sounds racist.
Okay, so what should I make, a key ring? Yawn.
A friendship bracelet? Overdone.
How am I supposed to Beweave in yourself.
(Whispers) Just beweave.
Oh, yeah.
I like this stick.
It makes me feel powerful, like a warrior! Aah! (Sighs) Damn, girl! Told you we should have explored our passions outside.
My own escape plan was ready to go.
My ink-jet, however Print, you stupid page.
Print! (Knock on door) Tessa? Did you turn on the wireless router? No.
(Whirs) Look, I was just temporarily on the Internet for an important academic endeavor.
"'Village voice' internship"? That's not mine.
Okay, it's mine.
Please don't freak out.
- Why not? - I love alternative weeklies.
I'm a huge slut for them.
You are? My first internship was on a sustainable farm in Santa Cruz.
It was my job to pee on the compost.
Someone's got to.
Or do they? Before me, it was a job that had only been done by men.
It took some real persistence on my part, but I proved that the nitrogen in my urine was just as good as any man's.
Of course, they paid me less.
But, hey, you got the job.
So do you have any advice for me? Apply in person.
Let them put a face to the name.
Okay.
That's a good idea.
But the major obstacle here is gonna be George.
Anytime I mention anything about the city, he freaks out.
Well, let me talk to him for you.
You just concentrate on getting the gig.
Really? Yeah.
Thanks, Eden.
That would be a big help, and can I ask you one more favor? No more chia seed voices? Bingo.
So what's up? Visit with Noah didn't go very well today.
(Sighs) I kinda threw him out.
Well, I'm not surprised.
This pregnancy has made him nuts.
(Sighs) He flared his nostrils at me.
For the record, he's been throwing a lot of nostril around these days.
I got an eyeful myself the last time I saw him.
(Indistinct conversations) I think I was too blunt with him.
No.
Hey, that's what I like about you.
You're a straight shooter.
I'm glad (lnhales deeply) 'Cause I shot super straight with Tessa today when she told me she wanted to apply for an internship at "The Village Voice.
" An internship? I dropped her at the train so she could walk her application in.
She's there right now.
She's there right now? Are you mad? Mad? What makes you think I'm mad? You keep answering me in questions.
Do I? I'm not mad.
I'm confused.
- Confused? - Yeah.
I'm confused as to who in their right mind would give someone else's kid permission to do something like that? Oh.
Sorry.
I just got an urgent text, so I'm gonna Leave abruptly and Not discuss this any further.
(Door opens and closes) (Indistinct conversations) (Knocks on desk) Knock, knock.
You're not supposed to be here.
I'm here to drop off my application for the summer internship in person.
Oh, we don't take those in person, so you gotta go submit that online.
Well, I was gonna submit it online, and then I thought, "this is 'The Village Voice.
' Show some respect, Tessa.
" I'm Tessa.
Troy.
Editorial assistant.
Wow.
Awesome.
(Chuckles) Awesome.
That's really awesome.
You went to humanities? Before we moved to the suburbs, yeah.
You moved to the suburbs? Major culture shock.
Well, that'd make a great piece for "The Village Voice," right? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Troy, I-I'd love to.
Well, creative decisions aren't up to me, but thanks for stopping by.
(Telephone ringing) Troy? I know you are a snide, holier-than-thou urbanite.
That's what I love about you, and that's what I miss about myself.
I really, really want this internship.
I'll scrape gum off your desk.
I will scrub your toilets.
I will trap rodents in your sixth floor walk-up.
I live in an elevator building, but, um, we'll be in touch.
Okay.
Now just turn and walk away.
If he picks up your application and looks at it, he's interested.
He's interested.
Ohh.
George, thanks for coming right over.
Actually, I was glad to get out of my house for a minute.
What's going on? (Sighs) That rude 'roo ruined my rooms.
I rue the day I agreed to a kangaroo.
He mangled my ming, and he wiped his feet on my best persian Gardener, not rug.
You know, you invite someone into your home, you expect them to treat it with respect.
Exactly.
(Chuckles) My my roommate situation isn't any better.
Eden totally overstepped her boundaries with Tessa today.
(Gasps) Did she beat her? N did she No, she didn't beat her, Dallas.
She just she gave her permission to do something I never would have said "yes" to.
Oh.
So Tessa's not upset.
You are.
Well, trust me, George.
That's way better.
An angry teenager is worse than a locust plague.
- (Chuckles) - Dalia won't come out of her room since I said her pet has to live in the guesthouse.
Haven't seen her this upset since she saw the opening weekend numbers for "Madea goes to jail.
" Well, maybe Dalia's emotional about having her pet sent away because she recently lost something else that was important to her.
Oh.
Her online access to box office mojo? I had to, George.
She's better off ignorant like her dad.
Oh.
You meant her dad.
Dallas, this is a sentence I never thought I'd say, but let the kangaroo live in the main house.
Better you wreck your China than your relationship with your kid.
Well (Sighs) Maybe you've got a point there, George.
Oh, boy.
I'll tell ya, it isn't easy doing this whole parenting thing on your own.
Yeah? I'm so used to doing it on my own, I have the opposite problem.
It's tough to let somebody else in.
I can't stress this enough Hmm? Communication is key.
Lord knows that's one thing that Steven and I never got right.
Don't run away.
Go talk to her.
You're right.
You have that option.
Unlike our kangaroo, Eden speaks English, and she doesn't try to kick you in the gut.
(Chuckles) All right.
You sure you don't need help with the rest of this? Oh, Carmen will get it.
That woman loves to clean up after us, I swear.
(Chuckles) Did you ever notice how the two of us seem to solve things when we get in a room together? Now that you mention it, we do make a pretty good team.
Yeah.
We're like Mulder and Scully.
(Chuckles) We certainly are.
It's a TV show.
(Chuckles) I know, silly! You're so funny.
Guess you'd better get home to your girl Scully? Nope.
(Chuckles) But I am terrible at lacrosse, and you're a macrame superstar.
I'm good at everything.
I shouldn't be penalized for that.
I want to go to sports camp.
Who's thirsty? Thanks, "mother.
" You're welcome, "Lisa.
" (Chuckles) Now I can't help but have overheard your entire conversation and taken a side.
Lisa, stand by your man.
Malik, that outfit is fly.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Fine.
I give up.
Let's go to stupid sports camp.
No.
I'll go to macrame camp.
You need this more than me.
I really do, Malik.
I really do.
I'm gonna weave you a macrame bikini, girl.
You're gonna look good.
George, I feel terrible.
I stuck my nose in where it didn't belong.
Eden, your nose belongs.
Mine just got a little out of joint for a minute.
I'm sorry I walked out on you, but I gotta admit, I am not used to having someone else make decisions for Tessa other than me.
Oh, I totally understand.
It's just You said I got a vote, so I thought I got a vote.
Right.
Okay.
Well, the, uh, the polls have to be open (Chuckles) And I really just don't think they are on this one.
It's fine.
It's not my district.
I can totally just mind my own business where Tessa is concerned, if that's what you want.
That's not what I want.
Oh.
Hello.
Welcome home.
Oh, s-so now you're You're perfectly happy to have Eden chime in, as as long as she agrees with you.
I could say the same thing about you, George.
You were happy to give her a vote when it served your agenda.
Parenting is not an agenda, Tessa, and I'm sorry, but you are not spending the summer in Manhattan.
- There.
- You dictator.
You are such a dictator! Guys, I-I know we're still technically trying to determine if I'm allowed to weigh in on this, but I have an idea.
You can tell me to shut up if you want to, but what if Tessa commutes Shut up.
(Chuckles) Just trying to lighten the mood.
Continue.
Well, so what if Tessa commutes Shut up! Sorry.
Shut up, please.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I guess I just have a problem with those two words "Tessa commutes" When they're together.
Are you finished? So what if your daughter travels to the city to do her internship, but she comes home at night to Chatswin - Shut up! - Shut up.
And he gets you a train pass.
That actually doesn't sound like a bad compromise.
But then I won't be able to hang out with my friends after work or go out at night or do anything at all in the city.
All I'll see is the inside of an office building.
Yes, but a New York City office building.
Hey, it could be a lot worse.
It could be a flat-out "no.
" (Door slams) You should hear the slam when it's a flat-out "no.
" (Sighs) (Doorbell rings) So what's up? I wanted you to know that I've decided to eighty-six the scheduled visitations with Eden.
She doesn't enjoy them.
Frankly, they've become uncomfortable.
Look, man, I'm sorry if this is all my fault.
I-I really thought having Eden move in was the right decision, but it seems like it just pissed everyone off.
It'll be fine.
I'll give Eden some space.
I'll see my baby when it climbs out of her doughnut hole.
(Chuckles) "Her doughnut hole"? I think you mean her doughnut.
No, I don't.
A doughnut hole is the actual hole in the doughnut.
Oh, yeah? Then how is it that I can buy a dozen of them, glazed or unglazed? What you have been purchasing, my friend, are doughnut balls (Chuckles) Deemed "doughnut holes" by morons.
A-a hole is a negative space.
Well, I think we can all agree we're in a negative space.
("Main theme" from "the X-files" playing) What the hell is wrong with this man? Kiss her, Mulder.
Kiss her! Why the hell won't he kiss her?!