The Addams Family (1964) s01e21 Episode Script
The Addams Family in Court
They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Querida.
Thank you, Gate.
- Oh, it's so good to be home.
- Place looks as warm and inviting as ever.
Bat-hunting is fun, but it's nice to be back among our own surroundings.
- What do I do with the bats? - Just turn them loose in the attic.
Oh, and Lurch, you may have a few of them for your room.
Wait till the children see them.
They'll have a ball.
Bats and ball! Rather clever, eh, Lurch? I knew you'd appreciate it.
Dear Mama.
I'm so glad we're home, really.
If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
I don't know why.
She has her lizards and her comfy nail bed.
And if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.
Dear Uncle Fester, he's so sweet that way.
And he makes such a lovely big target.
Mama! Uncle Fester! The hunters are home from the hill.
- Gomez, do you smell something? - Your perfume.
Cara mia, it sets my blood aflame.
- Darling, it's not me.
It's that.
- Oh? MORTICIA: Mama's been burning incense again.
She knows I can't stand it.
- You know what that means, don't you? - I'm gonna have a sinus attack? She's been telling fortunes while we were gone.
Oh, I thought she kicked that habit years ago.
Oh, dear.
The worst? "Sit down and be quiet.
Madame Bovary will be with you in a jiffy.
" Mama does have style.
The last time she went on a fortune-telling spree, she was Madame De Pompadour.
Oh, darling, lead me in.
I don't think I can look.
Courage, my dear.
It's probably just a practical joke of Mama's.
- Well? - I think we'd better go back to the hunt.
Well, my dear, Mama hasn't lost any of the old carnival spirit.
Masquerading as a gypsy.
It's so unbecoming.
She does have occult powers, though.
She predicted that I would run every business I ever had right into the ground.
And, by George, she was right.
Pure coincidence.
Darling, how are we going to get her to stop this without hurting her feelings? I could set the tent on fire.
Dear Gomez, you still have traces of Mamoud Khali Pasha Addams.
The firebug of the Bosporus.
Breeding will tell.
We'd better have a look.
Isn't this exciting? Tell me everything.
- It's all in the ball.
- Oh, yes.
Here's a little gratuity for you, Madame Bovary.
Madame Bovary thanks you.
Must be the excitement.
Why, that naughty Thing.
- He's in this with her.
- Working hand in hand.
What do you see? - I see a jail.
- A jail? - And you are in it.
- Oh, that's impossible.
Lady, kindly don't argue with me.
Argue with the ball.
- I'm sorry.
Tell me more.
- Time's up.
- See? - Incredible.
Well, if you get any more messages from up there, just call me.
Of course, of course.
Next please! She's fabulous.
GRANDMAMA: Next.
Keep moving.
"Lizard tails and rattlesnakes, In the cauldron boil and bake "Eye of newt and toe of frog, "Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Spirits high and spirits low "Tell us what we want to" Oh, oh.
Well, I guess it's time to be getting lunch.
- Mama, aren't you ashamed? - I don't see why.
I love reciting Shakespeare.
Besides, I made $84 in tips.
Not bad.
I don't care about the money.
I like telling fortunes.
Out of the question.
Oh, please, just a few more? - Not another one, Mama.
- Querida, be lenient.
Look at the anguish in that soulful face.
Well, just one more.
And then that goes back where it belongs.
On the chandelier.
I do wish Mama would come out of that tent.
She's hoping to go into a trance.
It seems to do things for her personality.
- Peerless Lead just went up to $209.
- And you sold it at $4? - $3.
- How thoughtful.
Whatever would we have done with a houseful of lead? This is the place, sergeant.
I'll go inside.
You wait out here.
You see anybody come running out, arrest 'em.
FESTER: Howdy! - Are you Madame Bovary? - Do I look like Madame Bovary? - Sorry.
- Where did you hear about the Madame? Well, somebody recommended her.
She really that good? Well, if you like that looking-into-the-future stuff.
Me, I'm a practical man.
Now, electricity.
That's something you can believe in.
See what I mean? Please, would you just take me inside? Well, if you prefer mumbo-jumbo to science.
Come on.
It's up.
It's down.
It's up.
It's down.
It's gone.
Come on.
Come on.
Mama, I got a live one.
Oh, Morticia, Gomez.
When did you get back? - Short while ago.
- Did you bag me any buzzards? Oh, yes, we got you some beauties.
We caught them right at molting time.
Oh, isn't that wonderful? Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friend? Oh, he's no friend.
He just wants to get his fortune told.
GRANDMAMA: "Lizard tail and rattlesnake, In the cauldron boil and bake" - What was that? - Mama warming up.
Madame Bovary during office hours.
Can I go in? You'd better, before she goes into a trance.
- Trance? - Good luck.
Oh, I do hope Mama conducts herself with poise and dignity.
Can't be more dignified than that.
- You naughty little man.
- What are you talking about? Lulu May Lou from Louisville.
- Lulu May Lou from Louisville? - Kansas City? I don't know Lulu May Lou from Kansas City either.
Sally May Lou? - Lulu May Sally? - Let's forget it.
You were gonna tell me about the future.
Oh, yes.
Your future is coming through.
I can see it clearly.
Yeah, well, I can see yours even more clearly.
- Oh, you a gypsy, too? - No, I'm a police officer.
Lady, you're going to jail.
I better get a new ball.
Everybody seems to be going to jail.
Well, I don't know about everybody.
But lady, you're under arrest.
Come on, Madame Bovary.
Back to the chandelier for you.
Couldn't even tell me he was a police officer.
- Is something wrong? - This big boor is arresting me.
What's the meaning of this, Mr.
Boor? This woman is under arrest for violation of the municipal code, Section 4-3-3-0.
And she's going down to the station with me.
Sorry, old man, we can't permit Mama to go out with strangers.
He's right.
We've never been properly introduced.
Really? Well, allow me to introduce myself.
Police Lieutenant James Poston.
- How do you do? - How do You're pinched.
- Fine beginning.
- Don't fret, Mama.
You'll have the greatest legal brains defending you since Clarence Darrow.
- But, darling, I haven't practiced in years.
- This will be excellent practice for you.
You're right.
First thing we'll do is obtain an injunction.
An injunction for what? Oh, I'll think of something.
Doesn't hurt to have one handy.
Are you ready, Madame Bovary? From now on, I'll thank you to call me Madame X.
Courage, Mama.
We'll have you out of jail by sundown.
- How, darling, how? - Conceal a hacksaw in a pie.
Hacksaw in a pie.
But isn't that dangerous? Remember when we did that for Cousin Cringe? - Cousin Cringe? - Yes, he ate the hacksaw.
In fact, he developed a taste for them.
Yes.
Well, forget the hacksaw.
- We'll claim insanity.
- Mama's? - The Lieutenant's.
- Very clever.
- I'm not sure it'll work.
- Why not? - Politics.
- Oh, that's true.
I'll have the law declared unconstitutional.
Lieutenant Poston's 3-3-4-0 will be erased from the statutes.
Brilliant, darling, absolutely brilliant.
But didn't Lieutenant Poston say that law was 4-3-3-0? Or was it 3-3-4-0? Maybe it was 3-0-0-0-0-0.
I'll have them all declared unconstitutional.
Can't be too careful, you know.
Darling, it's so reassuring to have Mama's defense in your hands.
Well, they didn't call me "the Loophole" for nothing.
No, the name fits you perfectly.
- I'm worried about one thing.
- Worried? Cara mia.
- About what? - I don't know what to wear to court.
Hey, let me out of here! Let me out of here! Mama, you poor darling, what are they doing to you? Nothing.
I saw this cup-banging scene in a prison picture once.
- You were very convincing.
- Thank you.
- Where's Gomez? - He's working on your release.
- Never lost a case, you know.
- Never won one, either.
Perfect record.
- Get your hands off of me.
Release me! - Now keep moving, keep moving.
Madame Bovary.
Welcome, dear.
You made it just as I predicted.
- I told you she's fabulous.
- What happened? Well, I was crossing a street in the middle of the block and an officer had the nerve to give me a ticket.
So naturally I kicked him.
Just bear with it.
My husband will take your case as soon as he frees Mama.
- Oh, is your husband a lawyer? - He's the great Loophole.
Look, mister, I don't make the laws.
Just pay the $10 fine and you can have her out in five minutes.
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
It wouldn't give Mama time enough to do her famous mess hall scene.
She just loves prison pictures.
Look, I might even get the judge to reduce the fine.
Oh, it's not a matter of money, it's a question of principle.
Just what do you want? I demand an immediate trial, complete acquittal, and a full apology.
Well, chum, you sure picked the right judge for that.
First case.
"The People v.
Addams.
" Bailiff, which one is the defendant? The odd-Iooking one.
I repeat, which one is the defendant? The old bat on the end.
Trolling on skid row? Fortune-telling.
The others are her family.
Figured.
- Who's the complainant? - I am, Your Honor.
This woman is in violation of the municipal code, Section 4-3-3-0.
Is the defendant represented by counsel? - You are counsel for the defendant? - That honor belongs to my dear husband.
Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light, Gomez "Loophole" Addams.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What goes on here? Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
- I warn you, I'll stand for no nonsense.
- I object.
- You object? - Just testing.
- Bailiff? - Yes, Your Honor? - Is this some sort of a joke? - No, Your Honor.
- And that Addams is really a lawyer.
- I don't believe it.
- I checked.
- I still don't believe it.
But we'll proceed.
This is getting interesting.
JUDGE: Proceed.
And Mr.
Addams, you'd better watch your step.
Darling, I don't think he likes us.
Maybe you'd better pay him the $10.
- For a trumped-up charge? - Offer him $5.
Nonsense, we've got him on the run.
The first witness for the defense will be the victim of this outrageous miscarriage of justice, the defendant herself.
- Swear her in.
- I object.
You object to your own witness taking the oath? I certainly do.
It cramps her style.
You avoided that trap very neatly, darling.
Gracias, cara mia, gracias.
Will you proceed? Yes, Your Honor.
I shall ignore the prejudice, intimidation, and irregularities of this entire farce and caution you that no matter what the verdict is, I shall appeal.
Order in this court.
Order! - I object.
- You object? Well, you don't expect me to sit here like a dummy, do you? - I hold you in contempt.
- Well, that makes us even.
That will cost you $50.
Sounds reasonable.
Now will you be quiet? Or would you like to try for $100? $100? Forget it.
Sorehead.
Sir, I warn you, you better shut your clack up and get on with this case.
Yes, darling, I wish you would.
That silly hammer is giving me a headache.
Thank you, Thing.
Makes a wonderful law clerk.
- You need some more light? - Yes, please.
That's better.
- Thank you, Fester.
- Pleasure.
Your Honor, the simple rule of law involved here is amply demonstrated in the celebrated case of "Vauglin v.
Broar" which reversed the decision of Shepherd against Flug which upheld the decision of ex parte Drake.
Reaffirming the dictum Hold it, hold it.
I wish you wouldn't interrupt my husband.
Go on, darling, I'm fascinated.
Would you mind telling me what all that's got to do with this case? - "Does Macy tell Gimbel?" - Maybe not.
But let me tell you something.
I'm beginning to doubt your credentials as a lawyer.
- I resent that.
- I think you're a fraud! That's different.
Olé, olé.
Listen, all of you, this is my final warning.
Your Honor, please, that hammer.
You run the noisiest court.
- Perhaps you'd like to take over? - May I? - Be my guest.
- Thank you.
I think we may have misjudged the poor dear.
That hammering does throw you.
Come, cara.
Perhaps you can penetrate the wall of bias and ignorance surrounding this travesty of justice.
I can only try.
Thank you, darling.
Your Honor, one look at the accused should convince you that she is as innocent as a newborn babe.
Madam, I've seen more innocent looks on Murder Incorporated.
Must be this light.
True, a crime had been committed, but not by this saintly old lady.
Hear, hear.
The real criminal is right here in this courtroom, hiding behind a shield of respectability.
- There's the culprit.
- Me? - Might as well confess, old boy.
- Thought you'd beat the rap, huh? Wait till Lulu May Lou hears about this.
- May I say a word? - Please do.
- This is insanity.
- Exactly what we claim.
Your Honor, please.
Did you or did you not enter our peaceful home, pretending to be a lover of the zodiac, and caused this entire mishmash? - Well, I - Answer the question.
- Okay, I did.
- The defense rests.
Brava! Brava! Olé, olé, olé.
Wonderful, Tish! You tore them to shreds, Morticia.
- May I have another word? - Please, speak right up.
Thank you.
Well, in all my 30 years on the bench, I have never seen a more preposterous, idiotic, reprehensible display of court conduct.
Well, it did start that way, but you redeemed yourself.
There is only one verdict possible in this case.
- Guilty.
Guilty! - Thank you.
But we beg you, be lenient with the poor lieutenant.
Well, sorry we can't stay around for the sentencing.
We're double-parked.
JUDGE: You're not going anywhere.
I'm declaring all of you guilty of the worst contempt I've ever been subjected to.
If I have my way they'll reopen Alcatraz just for you.
Isn't that sweet? Just a minute, Harvey.
I'll have something to say about this.
- Arlene, what are you doing here? - We'll get to that later.
Right now, I demand that you set aside your stupid verdict.
I'd rather be disbarred.
Why, that old crow's not only guilty of fraud, she's Fraud? Why, she's positively psychic.
She predicted I'd end up in jail, and I did.
- In jail? - That's right, Your Honor.
Your wife was picked up on a 412.
- Well, you heard my decision.
- Harvey.
Case dismissed.
- I'm free! - I told you we'd spring you.
Right was on our side.
Right and the judge's wife.
This Zen-Yogi is wonderful for reading.
So I see.
What is it, Thing? We would like some more tea, yes.
Thank you, Thing.
- Darling, would you like your tea now? - Later, my dear.
It's so good to see you with your law books again.
Say something legal for me, dear.
Non compos mentis.
Very appropriate.
My dear! Did you know that armed robbery was illegal? I'm glad.
But doesn't that make for unemployment? Well, no law is perfect.
That's true.
Speaking of law, I wonder whatever happened to old Judge Saunders.
I can find out, if you promise not to tell Mama.
I promise.
Thing? You can bring it out of hiding now.
You're a sly one.
Keeping the temptation from Mama.
There he is.
I can see him now.
- And he's still a judge.
- Supreme court? County fair.
He deserved the promotion.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Querida.
Thank you, Gate.
- Oh, it's so good to be home.
- Place looks as warm and inviting as ever.
Bat-hunting is fun, but it's nice to be back among our own surroundings.
- What do I do with the bats? - Just turn them loose in the attic.
Oh, and Lurch, you may have a few of them for your room.
Wait till the children see them.
They'll have a ball.
Bats and ball! Rather clever, eh, Lurch? I knew you'd appreciate it.
Dear Mama.
I'm so glad we're home, really.
If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
I don't know why.
She has her lizards and her comfy nail bed.
And if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.
Dear Uncle Fester, he's so sweet that way.
And he makes such a lovely big target.
Mama! Uncle Fester! The hunters are home from the hill.
- Gomez, do you smell something? - Your perfume.
Cara mia, it sets my blood aflame.
- Darling, it's not me.
It's that.
- Oh? MORTICIA: Mama's been burning incense again.
She knows I can't stand it.
- You know what that means, don't you? - I'm gonna have a sinus attack? She's been telling fortunes while we were gone.
Oh, I thought she kicked that habit years ago.
Oh, dear.
The worst? "Sit down and be quiet.
Madame Bovary will be with you in a jiffy.
" Mama does have style.
The last time she went on a fortune-telling spree, she was Madame De Pompadour.
Oh, darling, lead me in.
I don't think I can look.
Courage, my dear.
It's probably just a practical joke of Mama's.
- Well? - I think we'd better go back to the hunt.
Well, my dear, Mama hasn't lost any of the old carnival spirit.
Masquerading as a gypsy.
It's so unbecoming.
She does have occult powers, though.
She predicted that I would run every business I ever had right into the ground.
And, by George, she was right.
Pure coincidence.
Darling, how are we going to get her to stop this without hurting her feelings? I could set the tent on fire.
Dear Gomez, you still have traces of Mamoud Khali Pasha Addams.
The firebug of the Bosporus.
Breeding will tell.
We'd better have a look.
Isn't this exciting? Tell me everything.
- It's all in the ball.
- Oh, yes.
Here's a little gratuity for you, Madame Bovary.
Madame Bovary thanks you.
Must be the excitement.
Why, that naughty Thing.
- He's in this with her.
- Working hand in hand.
What do you see? - I see a jail.
- A jail? - And you are in it.
- Oh, that's impossible.
Lady, kindly don't argue with me.
Argue with the ball.
- I'm sorry.
Tell me more.
- Time's up.
- See? - Incredible.
Well, if you get any more messages from up there, just call me.
Of course, of course.
Next please! She's fabulous.
GRANDMAMA: Next.
Keep moving.
"Lizard tails and rattlesnakes, In the cauldron boil and bake "Eye of newt and toe of frog, "Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Spirits high and spirits low "Tell us what we want to" Oh, oh.
Well, I guess it's time to be getting lunch.
- Mama, aren't you ashamed? - I don't see why.
I love reciting Shakespeare.
Besides, I made $84 in tips.
Not bad.
I don't care about the money.
I like telling fortunes.
Out of the question.
Oh, please, just a few more? - Not another one, Mama.
- Querida, be lenient.
Look at the anguish in that soulful face.
Well, just one more.
And then that goes back where it belongs.
On the chandelier.
I do wish Mama would come out of that tent.
She's hoping to go into a trance.
It seems to do things for her personality.
- Peerless Lead just went up to $209.
- And you sold it at $4? - $3.
- How thoughtful.
Whatever would we have done with a houseful of lead? This is the place, sergeant.
I'll go inside.
You wait out here.
You see anybody come running out, arrest 'em.
FESTER: Howdy! - Are you Madame Bovary? - Do I look like Madame Bovary? - Sorry.
- Where did you hear about the Madame? Well, somebody recommended her.
She really that good? Well, if you like that looking-into-the-future stuff.
Me, I'm a practical man.
Now, electricity.
That's something you can believe in.
See what I mean? Please, would you just take me inside? Well, if you prefer mumbo-jumbo to science.
Come on.
It's up.
It's down.
It's up.
It's down.
It's gone.
Come on.
Come on.
Mama, I got a live one.
Oh, Morticia, Gomez.
When did you get back? - Short while ago.
- Did you bag me any buzzards? Oh, yes, we got you some beauties.
We caught them right at molting time.
Oh, isn't that wonderful? Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friend? Oh, he's no friend.
He just wants to get his fortune told.
GRANDMAMA: "Lizard tail and rattlesnake, In the cauldron boil and bake" - What was that? - Mama warming up.
Madame Bovary during office hours.
Can I go in? You'd better, before she goes into a trance.
- Trance? - Good luck.
Oh, I do hope Mama conducts herself with poise and dignity.
Can't be more dignified than that.
- You naughty little man.
- What are you talking about? Lulu May Lou from Louisville.
- Lulu May Lou from Louisville? - Kansas City? I don't know Lulu May Lou from Kansas City either.
Sally May Lou? - Lulu May Sally? - Let's forget it.
You were gonna tell me about the future.
Oh, yes.
Your future is coming through.
I can see it clearly.
Yeah, well, I can see yours even more clearly.
- Oh, you a gypsy, too? - No, I'm a police officer.
Lady, you're going to jail.
I better get a new ball.
Everybody seems to be going to jail.
Well, I don't know about everybody.
But lady, you're under arrest.
Come on, Madame Bovary.
Back to the chandelier for you.
Couldn't even tell me he was a police officer.
- Is something wrong? - This big boor is arresting me.
What's the meaning of this, Mr.
Boor? This woman is under arrest for violation of the municipal code, Section 4-3-3-0.
And she's going down to the station with me.
Sorry, old man, we can't permit Mama to go out with strangers.
He's right.
We've never been properly introduced.
Really? Well, allow me to introduce myself.
Police Lieutenant James Poston.
- How do you do? - How do You're pinched.
- Fine beginning.
- Don't fret, Mama.
You'll have the greatest legal brains defending you since Clarence Darrow.
- But, darling, I haven't practiced in years.
- This will be excellent practice for you.
You're right.
First thing we'll do is obtain an injunction.
An injunction for what? Oh, I'll think of something.
Doesn't hurt to have one handy.
Are you ready, Madame Bovary? From now on, I'll thank you to call me Madame X.
Courage, Mama.
We'll have you out of jail by sundown.
- How, darling, how? - Conceal a hacksaw in a pie.
Hacksaw in a pie.
But isn't that dangerous? Remember when we did that for Cousin Cringe? - Cousin Cringe? - Yes, he ate the hacksaw.
In fact, he developed a taste for them.
Yes.
Well, forget the hacksaw.
- We'll claim insanity.
- Mama's? - The Lieutenant's.
- Very clever.
- I'm not sure it'll work.
- Why not? - Politics.
- Oh, that's true.
I'll have the law declared unconstitutional.
Lieutenant Poston's 3-3-4-0 will be erased from the statutes.
Brilliant, darling, absolutely brilliant.
But didn't Lieutenant Poston say that law was 4-3-3-0? Or was it 3-3-4-0? Maybe it was 3-0-0-0-0-0.
I'll have them all declared unconstitutional.
Can't be too careful, you know.
Darling, it's so reassuring to have Mama's defense in your hands.
Well, they didn't call me "the Loophole" for nothing.
No, the name fits you perfectly.
- I'm worried about one thing.
- Worried? Cara mia.
- About what? - I don't know what to wear to court.
Hey, let me out of here! Let me out of here! Mama, you poor darling, what are they doing to you? Nothing.
I saw this cup-banging scene in a prison picture once.
- You were very convincing.
- Thank you.
- Where's Gomez? - He's working on your release.
- Never lost a case, you know.
- Never won one, either.
Perfect record.
- Get your hands off of me.
Release me! - Now keep moving, keep moving.
Madame Bovary.
Welcome, dear.
You made it just as I predicted.
- I told you she's fabulous.
- What happened? Well, I was crossing a street in the middle of the block and an officer had the nerve to give me a ticket.
So naturally I kicked him.
Just bear with it.
My husband will take your case as soon as he frees Mama.
- Oh, is your husband a lawyer? - He's the great Loophole.
Look, mister, I don't make the laws.
Just pay the $10 fine and you can have her out in five minutes.
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
It wouldn't give Mama time enough to do her famous mess hall scene.
She just loves prison pictures.
Look, I might even get the judge to reduce the fine.
Oh, it's not a matter of money, it's a question of principle.
Just what do you want? I demand an immediate trial, complete acquittal, and a full apology.
Well, chum, you sure picked the right judge for that.
First case.
"The People v.
Addams.
" Bailiff, which one is the defendant? The odd-Iooking one.
I repeat, which one is the defendant? The old bat on the end.
Trolling on skid row? Fortune-telling.
The others are her family.
Figured.
- Who's the complainant? - I am, Your Honor.
This woman is in violation of the municipal code, Section 4-3-3-0.
Is the defendant represented by counsel? - You are counsel for the defendant? - That honor belongs to my dear husband.
Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light, Gomez "Loophole" Addams.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What goes on here? Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
- I warn you, I'll stand for no nonsense.
- I object.
- You object? - Just testing.
- Bailiff? - Yes, Your Honor? - Is this some sort of a joke? - No, Your Honor.
- And that Addams is really a lawyer.
- I don't believe it.
- I checked.
- I still don't believe it.
But we'll proceed.
This is getting interesting.
JUDGE: Proceed.
And Mr.
Addams, you'd better watch your step.
Darling, I don't think he likes us.
Maybe you'd better pay him the $10.
- For a trumped-up charge? - Offer him $5.
Nonsense, we've got him on the run.
The first witness for the defense will be the victim of this outrageous miscarriage of justice, the defendant herself.
- Swear her in.
- I object.
You object to your own witness taking the oath? I certainly do.
It cramps her style.
You avoided that trap very neatly, darling.
Gracias, cara mia, gracias.
Will you proceed? Yes, Your Honor.
I shall ignore the prejudice, intimidation, and irregularities of this entire farce and caution you that no matter what the verdict is, I shall appeal.
Order in this court.
Order! - I object.
- You object? Well, you don't expect me to sit here like a dummy, do you? - I hold you in contempt.
- Well, that makes us even.
That will cost you $50.
Sounds reasonable.
Now will you be quiet? Or would you like to try for $100? $100? Forget it.
Sorehead.
Sir, I warn you, you better shut your clack up and get on with this case.
Yes, darling, I wish you would.
That silly hammer is giving me a headache.
Thank you, Thing.
Makes a wonderful law clerk.
- You need some more light? - Yes, please.
That's better.
- Thank you, Fester.
- Pleasure.
Your Honor, the simple rule of law involved here is amply demonstrated in the celebrated case of "Vauglin v.
Broar" which reversed the decision of Shepherd against Flug which upheld the decision of ex parte Drake.
Reaffirming the dictum Hold it, hold it.
I wish you wouldn't interrupt my husband.
Go on, darling, I'm fascinated.
Would you mind telling me what all that's got to do with this case? - "Does Macy tell Gimbel?" - Maybe not.
But let me tell you something.
I'm beginning to doubt your credentials as a lawyer.
- I resent that.
- I think you're a fraud! That's different.
Olé, olé.
Listen, all of you, this is my final warning.
Your Honor, please, that hammer.
You run the noisiest court.
- Perhaps you'd like to take over? - May I? - Be my guest.
- Thank you.
I think we may have misjudged the poor dear.
That hammering does throw you.
Come, cara.
Perhaps you can penetrate the wall of bias and ignorance surrounding this travesty of justice.
I can only try.
Thank you, darling.
Your Honor, one look at the accused should convince you that she is as innocent as a newborn babe.
Madam, I've seen more innocent looks on Murder Incorporated.
Must be this light.
True, a crime had been committed, but not by this saintly old lady.
Hear, hear.
The real criminal is right here in this courtroom, hiding behind a shield of respectability.
- There's the culprit.
- Me? - Might as well confess, old boy.
- Thought you'd beat the rap, huh? Wait till Lulu May Lou hears about this.
- May I say a word? - Please do.
- This is insanity.
- Exactly what we claim.
Your Honor, please.
Did you or did you not enter our peaceful home, pretending to be a lover of the zodiac, and caused this entire mishmash? - Well, I - Answer the question.
- Okay, I did.
- The defense rests.
Brava! Brava! Olé, olé, olé.
Wonderful, Tish! You tore them to shreds, Morticia.
- May I have another word? - Please, speak right up.
Thank you.
Well, in all my 30 years on the bench, I have never seen a more preposterous, idiotic, reprehensible display of court conduct.
Well, it did start that way, but you redeemed yourself.
There is only one verdict possible in this case.
- Guilty.
Guilty! - Thank you.
But we beg you, be lenient with the poor lieutenant.
Well, sorry we can't stay around for the sentencing.
We're double-parked.
JUDGE: You're not going anywhere.
I'm declaring all of you guilty of the worst contempt I've ever been subjected to.
If I have my way they'll reopen Alcatraz just for you.
Isn't that sweet? Just a minute, Harvey.
I'll have something to say about this.
- Arlene, what are you doing here? - We'll get to that later.
Right now, I demand that you set aside your stupid verdict.
I'd rather be disbarred.
Why, that old crow's not only guilty of fraud, she's Fraud? Why, she's positively psychic.
She predicted I'd end up in jail, and I did.
- In jail? - That's right, Your Honor.
Your wife was picked up on a 412.
- Well, you heard my decision.
- Harvey.
Case dismissed.
- I'm free! - I told you we'd spring you.
Right was on our side.
Right and the judge's wife.
This Zen-Yogi is wonderful for reading.
So I see.
What is it, Thing? We would like some more tea, yes.
Thank you, Thing.
- Darling, would you like your tea now? - Later, my dear.
It's so good to see you with your law books again.
Say something legal for me, dear.
Non compos mentis.
Very appropriate.
My dear! Did you know that armed robbery was illegal? I'm glad.
But doesn't that make for unemployment? Well, no law is perfect.
That's true.
Speaking of law, I wonder whatever happened to old Judge Saunders.
I can find out, if you promise not to tell Mama.
I promise.
Thing? You can bring it out of hiding now.
You're a sly one.
Keeping the temptation from Mama.
There he is.
I can see him now.
- And he's still a judge.
- Supreme court? County fair.
He deserved the promotion.