The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e21 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Hey, Ma, what you want me to do with the sign? Oh, I don't care, Jethro, you might as well burn it.
Okay, Ma.
Not in here, take it on outside.
Okay.
What's going on, Pearl? How come you brung in your sign? Oh, Jed, I give up.
How can I give music lessons when every time I open my mouth to sing or yodel 15 dogs jump on me? That's right, Uncle Jed.
Last night when I come in, they had Ma treed on top of the plan-y.
That wasn't funny, Jethro.
Well, it made Granny and me laugh.
Elly May give me her word that she'd keep them dogs outside, especially while you was performin'.
How they gettin' in here? I don't know, but we'll find out.
Jethro, you stay here and watch the front door, I'll go watch the cellar door.
We know they can't get in the back because Granny's in the kitchen.
Pearl, you go on in the drawing room and cut loose.
Go get her, gang.
There's a bone in it for every one of you.
Sounds like they got your ma treed again.
They come through here? - No, sir! Nor through the cellar neither.
All right, you dogs, quiet down, now quiet down.
Jethro, get your ma down off her perch.
Jed.
Get off.
I've taken all I can stand for.
Either you get rid of them dogs or I'm leavin'.
Yeah Pearl, yeah, now calm down.
Pa, you ain't goin' to get rid of my dogs.
Elly May, you let me handle these.
Your Aunt Pearl's been set upon by these dogs and we got to weed out the vicious ones.
Jethro, you commence to handing them to me.
Yes sir, Uncle Jed.
Pa, please! I'm going to handle this, Elly May.
Here's a mean lookin' one, Pearl.
Well, I don't reckon he's one of the mean ones, Jed.
You can keep that one, Elly.
Uh oh, look what we got here.
The ringleader.
You ever see such a vicious-lookin' face? He ain't exactly a ringleader, he just kind of went along with the mob.
Look at this ornery one here, don't get to close to this one.
Look at him.
Guilty as sin.
He's praying for mercy.
I don't even remember seeing this one before.
Give me the next killer.
How about this mean-lookin' varmint here, Pearl? Oh, let them all stay.
Just keep them out of the house whilst I'm singin' and yodelin'.
How'd they get in, Ma? Well, they seemed to come from that direction over there.
Oh, I Wish I was in Dixie Hooray, hooray In Dixie Land, I'll take my stand, to live and Well, what's everybody staring at me for? I didn't let them dogs in.
Nobody said you did, Granny.
My own kin has turn against me.
Givin' me the evil eye.
You want to get shed of me 'cause I'm old and ailin', and all crippled up with the rheumatism and the lumbago.
Worn out in the service of my kin.
Well, you don't have to put up with old Granny anymore.
I'm going to throw myself in the cement pond and drown.
And I won't be no more trouble to you.
Don't nobody try and stop me.
Don't nobody try to stop me! It's better this way.
Then Pearl can have everything to herself.
Well Pearl, you heard her.
Reckon you better take over the kitchen.
All right, Jed, I'll get right out there.
You keep out of my kitchen! Granny, put me down.
Don't throw her, Granny, don't throw her.
You don't stay out of my kitchen I'm going to hit you so hard on the top of your head, you'll be able to ride half fare.
If that poor, old, wore-out, sick, crippled little woman ever gets her strength back, we better all look out.
Go get her, gang! There's the usual reward.
Granny, close that door.
Oh, Jed.
I only opened the door to let in a little fresh air.
And a lot of dogs.
Well, I just can't take Pearl screechin' any longer.
Sounds like a pine knot in a saw mill.
Mrs.
Drysdale's been complaining, too.
Calls the police most every day.
That ain't a bit neighborly, is it? Mr.
Drysdale promised she wouldn't call no more.
Now Granny, you leave them dogs outside.
Give me the police.
Man, I thought that complaint would never come through.
How could anyone complain about a thing as beautiful as Pearl's yodeling? Sarge, you're not well.
Jed, you let them in.
I just know it's that nice policeman who's crazy about my yodeling.
I don't think so this morning, Pearl.
Oh, sure it is.
Comes by purt near every morning about now.
Him and that young policeman.
Oh, it is you, come in.
Thank you, Mr.
Clampett.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
Well, look who's here.
Officer Dean.
You can just call me Eddie, ma'am.
Well if you'll call me Pearl, Eddie.
It'd be my pleasure, Pearl.
I got a brand-new yodel to show you.
Wonderful.
Just so we won't disturb the peace.
Looking for Elly May? Who? My daughter.
Oh, no, sir.
Where is she? Out by the cement pond.
Pond? Oh, you mean the swimming pool.
Yeah, I reckon you could call it that.
Elly and Jethro swims in it.
I better get out there right away, Mr.
Clampett.
We've had a lot of reports about people stealing swimming pool water.
I mean pool furniture.
Oh, yeah, you better get right out there and keep your eye on that furniture.
You'll find her working with her dogs, and cats, and birds.
Thank you.
Did you say dogs and cats and birds? Yeah, she's got her dogs and cats to be friends, and now she's working on the cats and birds.
Everybody can be friends if they just try.
And you two is friends now.
Just remember, Rusty, folks don't eat their friends.
You two have a good ride, and go show Granny how y'all made up.
Mm! That's the best batch of rheumatiz medicine I ever did cook up.
Yes siree, that's first rate.
I commence to seein' birds riding horseback on cats.
That's enough tastin'.
Hi, Granny.
Oh, Elly, here, keep the fire going under my still.
I'm going up and rest a while.
Granny, you promised Pa you wouldn't run your still no more.
Mm, just to make a little rheumatiz medicine, in case I wake up one of these bitter cold nights and get a seizure.
Granny, it don't get bitter cold out here.
Jethro read in the newspaper where it's going to get 20 below tonight.
Course, that's in Alaska.
But if I wake up and think about it I might get a seizure.
Elly May? Down here by the fire.
Elly May, what are you doing? Now this is illegal, you can get arrested for this.
I can? Well, absolutely! Open fires aren't allowed in this area.
Here, I'll help you put it out.
How am I doing? Just fine.
You got the makings of a first-rate yodeler.
Thank you.
Oh, say, I got to get back to the car and check in.
Check in? On the radio.
Come on, I'll show you.
Oh, is it all right? Sure, come on.
Well, I reckon I hadn't better resist an officer of the law.
That's right, just come along quietly.
Remember, I've got a gun.
Uncle Jed, Granny, come quick.
What is it, Jethro? That policeman arrested Ma.
Arrested her? Yes sir, he had her by the arm a-draggin' her out to his police car.
I'll go see if he's gone yet.
I wouldn't have called the police if I thought Granny.
You mean you set the police on Pearl, your own kin? I reckon I did, Jed.
I don't recollect it quite clear.
I guess it's because I'm so old and sick, and ailing' and puny and frail, and all crippled up with the rheuma All right, now don't start that again.
Granny I just can't understand you turnin' on your own kin.
Well it, it was just, it it was the hot Californy sun that done it.
That's what done it.
It softened my poor old brain.
You ain't going to throw me out of the clan, are you, Jed? Uncle Jed! He ain't took Ma away yet.
They's still out front.
Maybe there's time to right the wrong you done.
Oh, I Will, I Will! I'll do anything.
Pearl, Pearl! I'm comin', Pearl! I'm comin'! I sure wish I could invite you into the kitchen for some coffee and vittles, but Granny's so mean and cantankerous when it comes to Pearl! Forgive me.
I'm the one that set the law on you.
Please forgive me, Pearl, I'm so ashamed.
Forgive me, Pearl! Don't let Jed throw me out of the clan! You set the law on me? Oh, I'm low, Pearl.
Awful low and mean.
Step on me, Pearl.
Step on me.
Step on me like you would a worm.
Tromp on me! Grind your feet on me.
Granny, get up out of there.
Oh, Pearl.
Mr.
Policeman, run over me.
I don't deserve to live.
Run over me and throw my poor old mean body to the buzzards! All right Granny, now that's enough.
But Pearl hasn't forgive me yet.
Mr.
Policeman, give your gun to Pearl and let her shoot me.
Oh, Granny, stop that.
Put a curse on me, Pearl.
I forgive you, I forgive you.
Bu“ deserve to be punished, and punished bad.
Sing to me, Pearl.
Granny, Pearl done said she forgives you.
Am I taken back to the clan? Am I welcome to the bosom of my family? I reckon.
Pearl, you are an angel! You can have anything I got, any time.
You can have any part of my kitchen.
Throw me out of it.
Set the dogs on me.
Jethro, take your granny into the house, please.
Sure, Ma.
Did you whomp her? No, I didn't whomp her.
Whomp me, Pearl! Oh, Jethro, take her in the house.
Come on in the house and whomp me, Pearl! I'm sorry, Mr.
Policeman, but Granny, you know, she gets worked up every now and then.
I understand.
Now I can invite you in the kitchen to have some vittles and coffee.
Oh, no thanks, I see my partner coming.
We'd better get moving.
Well, young feller, find anything missin'? Oh, no sir, she's got everything.
I mean, everything was there.
That is, around the pool.
Well, you come back and see us, hear? We will, just keep yodeling.
Bye now.
Bye.
See you when the roads get better.
Bye-bye.
That's quite a family, isn't it Sarge? As you young fellas would say, like wild, man.
You know, here they are with all these millions in this big, beautiful mansion, and guess how they heat the water for their swimming pool.
How? Well, they got this, big round kind of copper boiler, see, and coming out of the top is this kind of spout.
And attached to that is a corkscrew tubing that goes down and leads into a big jar.
Brian.
And they keep this fire going under this big boiler.
Officer Kelly.
But imagine how long it would take to heat all the City boy.
Yes, Sarge? You have just described a still.
A what? A still.
No wonder they got so much money.
These people are moonshiners.
Pearl, is this bowl big enough? 'Cause if it ain't, you just say the word and I'll fetch you another one.
Granny, you don't have to fetch and carry for me.
It's my pleasure.
It's an honor to be in the same kitchen with such a good cook as you are.
What you makin'? My special sweet potato pie.
Did you hear that, Jed? Did you hear what this beautiful cousin of yours is makin'? Yeah, I heard, Granny.
Pearl, before I go on to my reward, would you give me the recipe for that pie? I want to make it for the angels up yonder.
That is, if they'll take me in after the shameful thing I done today.
Like settin' the law on my own kin.
A devil got into me, Pearl.
Granny, don't go to bawlin', 'twas no harm done.
But kinfolk should stick together.
That's the truth.
Blood's thicker than water.
Did you hear what he said, Pearl? Did you hear what Jed said? That's the wisest thing I ever heard in all my life.
Blood is thicker than water.
Granny, I didn't make it up.
But nobody ever said it like you said it, Jed.
It makes me proud to belong to your clan.
I do belong, don't I, Jed? Yes, Granny.
Oh, bless you.
Bless you both! I don't deserve such good kin.
It's pure pleasure to see you all gettin' along at last.
Reckon it takes a storm to bring out the rainbow.
Did you hear what he said? Pearl! Don't strain yourself reaching for anything like that.
Here, stand on me.
Oh, Granny, get up.
You don't have to wait on me.
But I've got to make up for what I done to you, Pearl.
Order me! Command me.
Well, all right, let me have a couple of pie tins.
What else, Pearl? Well, hand me the flour.
What else, Pearl? Well, Granny, maybe you could help me later.
Right now I just would kind of like to be in the kitchen by myself.
I understand.
I got some things outside I can tend to.
It's just I want this, potato pie to be special good for Eddie.
Who? Officer Dean, good-lookin' policeman.
Oh, I wouldn't get too thick with the law, Pearl.
They can be awful nosy.
Oh, Eddie and me is just yodeling acquaintances.
So far.
Remember, Pearl, where there's the law, there's trouble.
As sure as a goose goes barefoot.
It's a still, all right, there's no question about it.
Well, that doesn't mean they're making moonshine.
Maybe it's something harmless.
I'll show you how harmless it is.
Come on.
Strike a match.
Now, toss the match in there.
In the water? Toss it.
Hey, Sarge, we're not going to arrest Elly May for this, are we? I'm sure she's not responsible for it.
I don't think Pearl is, either.
Mr.
Clampett seemed like such a wonderful man.
It's probably Granny.
Anybody who would lie down in front of a police car and say run over me has got to be gassed.
Well maybe, maybe Granny doesn't know it's wrong to make that stuff.
That's possible.
Pearl says she refuses to give up the customs of the hills.
Well, looks like Pearl was right.
Yeah, and there's Granny's old still to prove it.
Be it ever so humble There's no place like home Say Pearl, you seen a thing of them two policeman? Not since they left.
Well, that's just it.
They didn't.
Their police car is still out front.
Oh, that Eddie.
Oh, I hope he's not so gone on me that he's neglectin' his duties.
Oh, here's Granny back to help you, Pearl.
Good.
Granny, I need your rendering skillet.
I'll see that you get it, Pearl.
Hey, I was just tellin' Pearl, Granny, that police car is still out front.
I can't figure it myself, but Pearl seems to understand.
Uh-huh.
Granny, did you find the skillet? Yeah, Pearl.
Well, let me have it.
Sure is heart-warming to see you two Granny! What was that loud ringing noise? Granny! Granny, why in the world did you I heard the meal gong, is vittles ready? Ma! Don't touch her, she's tainted! Tainted? That sure is a fancy new meal gong, me and Skippy just What happened to Aunt Pearl? Granny whomped her and I reckon she better tell me how come right now.
Younguns, you know the code of the hills.
What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing a friend can do to his neighbor? Tell the revenuers he's got a still.
Here sits the traitor that done it.
She's the one that ain't fit to belong to the clan.
Granny, you promised me you wouldn't make no more moonshine.
I'm making medicine.
You want me all gnarled up and twisted in the grip of my rheumatiz? Is that the thanks I get for workin' my poor old fingers to the bone? Yonder comes the law! Two policeman.
Barricade the door! Upend the table! Lay Pearl's body across it and we'll shoot from behind her! Whoa, Granny.
Elly, you get the flag.
Jethro, you get the guns.
And I'll throw knives at them till you get back.
Granny.
Nobody do nothin'.
We ain't gonna fight the law.
We ain't gonna fight? What are we, a clan or a nest of mice? You heard me.
Jethro, you and Elly take some of that cold water and bring your Ma to.
I'll take care of the law.
Mr.
Clampett, we'd like to talk to you about that still down by the swimming pool.
Yes sir, I feared you'd catch me sooner or later.
Well, I'm ready to go with you, I'll make no trouble.
Are you the one who's running it? Me and me only.
Pa ain't runnin' it.
It's me.
That's my still, ain't it, Jethro? No, sir, that's my still! Don't listen to these younguns, it's my still.
Now, come on, arrest me.
Let's get it over with.
Well, that ain't true.
If you want to know who that still belongs to, I'll tell you.
It's me.
Pearl! Put the handcuffs on me.
Now just a darn minute.
Ain't nobody going to take credit for my work except me.
And if it's against the law to make a little rheumatiz medicine, then take me to the chain gang.
- No, take me! - That's my still! Hold it! Appears like we's all going to the chain gang.
Nobody will go anywhere.
If Granny will promise to stop making rheumatiz medicine.
Well, I reckon what I made today will hold me through the winter.
Well, I wouldn't count on that.
You see, we accidentally spilled all the evidence into the swimming pool.
Swimming pool? Oh, poor Charlie.
Who's Charlie? My pet duck.
Best get some coffee to go, Granny, looks like we got a drunk duck on our hands.
One thing, he ain't never going to be bothered with rheumatiz.
Well, now it's time to say goodbye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.