The Cleveland Show s01e21 Episode Script
1APS22 - You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown!
Oh, Donna, I'm so excited.
I thought this day would never come.
Cleveland, it's the reading of your ex-wife's will.
I know.
- How are you holding up, big man? - Well, I'm okay.
But a part of me wishes Mom would come back so I could say a proper goodbye.
Well, she's been gone for three months.
I mean, if she came back now, her skin would be all gray and rotten and she'd need to feast on the living to survive.
But you remember what to do if she does come back, right? - Destroy the head and remove the brain.
- Mm-hm.
Well, I've looked over Loretta's will and it's pretty straightforward.
"I, Loretta Marie Callender Brown, blah, blah, blah do hereby leave my entire estate to my son Cleveland Orenthal Brown Jr.
, blah, blah, blah.
He is to have unfettered access to all assets in the amount of" - Hey, hey, hey.
- Let me see that.
I'm sorry, but the will stipulates that you are to have no knowledge of its details.
- Look at these juicy details.
- Oh.
Cleveland, I know how difficult this must be for you.
Your ex-wife got everything in the divorce and gave it all to your dimwitted or possibly brilliant son.
- Dang.
Now, you could contest the will and sue Junior for the money.
In the law profession, we call that a dick move.
It's okay, Daddy.
I'll lend you all the money you need.
I'm rich.
Eee.
Unfortunately, Junior, the will also states that if you give a penny to your father Loretta's entire estate will go to a Mr.
Glenn Quagmire of Quahog, Rhode Island.
- What? Or you can risk it all for whatever's behind Door Number 2.
- The door! The door! - Take the money! Man, I'm gonna keep the contents of the will.
Then let's take a look at what you didn't choose.
One day my prince will come.
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
So your husky son's got more money than you now, huh? Yeah.
This must be what it feels like to be the father of that kid on Two and a Half Men.
That kid's gotten so big, Jon Cryer's now the half-man.
[GUS PLAYS DRUMS.]
- Thanks, Gus.
- You got it, kid.
It must be especially difficult considering all that money used to be yours.
I mean, what a nad punch.
I am very glad she's dead.
[GUS PLAYS DRUMS.]
Hmm.
These times.
Morning, Dad.
Check out my new Eddie Bauer limited edition Boba Fett costume.
It comes with a safari vest and a contrived sense of adventure.
I also got a shawarma machine so I can have succulent lamb meat 24/7.
Mm.
If I ever did switch to the dark side, I'd call myself Darth Shawarma.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hmm.
Had to pay my cell-phone bill with nickels.
How was your shopping spree, Miss Donna? It was great, Junior.
And thank you for letting me use your new Amex card.
Cleveland only has a pre-paid debit card from Magic Johnson's bank.
Yeah, everyone thought they'd be gone years ago, but they're still kicking.
Doing well too.
God bless you, Magic.
- Hey, Junior.
Do you have my check? - Here you go.
What are you giving her money for? So I can buy another new hat.
That's my thing.
I wear hats now.
Beep, beep! Move it or lose it.
Hey, Donald Plump, is my barbershop chair here yet? Not yet.
But I'll let you know as soon as it arrives.
Cool.
Hey, old man.
You got change for a hundred? Ha, ha.
I'm just joshing.
I know you don't.
Okay, enough of this bull crap.
How much money did your mother leave you? Well, I'm not allowed to tell you.
But suffice it to say, it was substantial.
With the sale of your deli, Mom's life-insurance policy and the reckless-homicide settlement I got from Peter Griffin, I did just fine.
Apparently, to pay for it, Mr.
Griffin had to get a series of new jobs.
I didn't see it, but I heard it was hilarious.
Not as hilarious as it would have been two or three years ago but there were still some solid laughs there.
Daddy, if this money's gonna come between us, I'll give it all back.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Better not make him give it all back.
Kill you for taking my money.
No, Junior.
I don't want you to give back the money.
Good call, old man.
Hakeem Olajuwon.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mom, what are you doing in town? Hello, dear.
I wanted to come by and thank Junior in person for the beautiful gift he sent me.
[WHISTLES.]
CLEVELAND: That is sweet.
Oh, Cookie, it's you.
I thought I felt the joy being sucked out of my life.
- Grandma.
- There's my little Chamillionaire.
Well, well, well, look at you.
Your kid's rich and you're still a broke-ass little chump.
And good morrow to you, Father.
- What are you guys doing here? - We have some very exciting news.
Cleveland, your father and I are moving back into our old house right here in Stoolbend.
- What? - Sweet greens and submarines.
Why are you doing that? Because your mama and I are getting re-married.
Get used to this face, C-cup, because you gonna see it all the damn time.
[BOTH GROANING.]
And that is what we call an "uh-oh moment.
" Any questions? Have you ever had a screenplay produced? Yes, I had a play produced.
- I said screenplay - Class dismissed.
Re-marrying Dad? Excuse me.
What are you doing? I'm looking for your marbles, because apparently you've lost them.
Now, Cleveland, I know your father and I have had our problems but those days are behind us.
So you're just gonna forget about the Waffle House waitresses and the JetBlue stewardesses and Greta Van Susteren? That's all in the past, tubby.
I've changed.
I ain't got no Internet.
Besides, I don't wanna die alone.
Did you know that not a single man in our family has lived past the age of 63? I did not.
And I'm gonna need someone to take care of me.
How romantic.
What the hell do you know about romance, Clarissa? You've been with five women your whole life? I've pleasured over 500 ladies in my time.
And one guy.
I think we all just need to calm down.
Just because you've put on weight doesn't make you Oprah.
I think it's great you two are getting re-married.
It's like recycling except this isn't a complete waste of time and effort.
See? Beanbag Chair gets it.
Oh, I just had a brainstorm.
And not the bad kind I take medication for.
You should have the wedding here in the back yard.
And I'll pay for the whole thing.
Oh, Junior.
We couldn't [STAMMERS.]
Not another word.
It's my gift to you.
I'm doing it.
It's done.
This is gonna be the best wedding ever.
Okay, that was one of the bad brainstorms.
For a second, I thought I was a falcon.
But I'm okay now.
I'm gonna go lie down.
Now we have to host the wedding? I don't know why she'd still wanna be with him.
The man's a grade-A heel.
Mm.
Now, there's a crease.
I don't think it's so surprising.
Every woman loves a bad boy.
They're dangerous, passionate, unpredictable.
Just when you yell at him for punching a cop's horse he does something nice for you, like shave your name in the side of his head.
You try to tame him, but you can't.
He's a wild animal.
But eventually you settle for stable and predictable.
I bet you can't predict what I'm gonna try tonight.
I bet I can.
No, Cleveland.
CLEVELAND: I love you.
DONNA: I love you too.
Cut it out.
CLEVELAND: Why? DONNA: Good night, Cleveland.
- Damn it.
I said good night.
CLEVELAND: I heard you the first time.
Junior, you need my help.
No one knows more about weddings than I do.
I even saw most of Bride Wars until my body shut down to protect itself.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Yeah.
Crème brûlée is a great dessert.
Maybe I'll also order a time machine to take this wedding back to 1998.
Honestly, Roberta.
I don't know how your mother ended up with such an attractive daughter.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told my P.
E.
Teacher, Miss Rayborn: Look at them all you want but if you try to touch them, I will take a bat to your hairy knees.
Mm.
Lord help these children today.
No, I was wondering if you would make my wedding more beautiful by being a bridesmaid.
Oh, Miss Cookie, I would love to.
You can touch one.
You know, Cookie, I know we've had our differences but if there's anything I can do to help you You can try to make me some coffee that doesn't taste like a fart in the face.
So tomorrow's your wedding night, and you know what that means.
- Yes, I do.
- What does it mean? [LAUGHING.]
And what have you boys been up to? Just talking to black Stewie here.
How about being our ring boy on Saturday? Honored.
All right, then.
I'm gonna go practice my strut down the aisle.
Check this.
Oh, yeah.
A little something like that right there.
Mm-hm.
So the only thing left for you to do is ask Cleveland to be your best man.
- Now, why would I do that? - Do it for me, Lavar.
And after all, he is your only son.
Yeah.
He is my only son.
You might just be the blackest fella I ever met.
Freight Train.
Cool name.
How'd you get it? I destroyed your mama on a train track.
Okay, who's up for some beer pong? So, getting married, huh? That's neat.
Yeah, well, you know, usually at a wedding, there's a best man and since you're my son and all, I was wondering Oh, my God.
Are you asking me to be your best man? Not if you're gonna be a crying little piss-pants about it.
I'm crying because I peed my pants.
Oh, and it's on the chair.
[GROANING.]
- My dad asked me to be his BM.
- What? His best man.
Get it? Ha, ha.
Yes, I do, Cleveland.
And I'm very happy for you.
I wish I could get a little respect from your mother.
I've done everything I can to get her to like me but she just won't give me a chance.
I'll be honest.
It's hurtful, Cleveland.
Ha! Women and their problems.
Speaking of women with problems, I gotta call that strip club about the bachelor party.
Mm.
[MEN WHISTLING.]
[EROTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
- Yeah.
Whoo! - Yeah, that's right.
Great seeing you, sis.
Call Mom.
She worries.
Hey, Dad, what do you say we take a break from borderline cheating on our ladies and hit the gross nacho bar? - Sounds like a plan.
- We're bonding.
Hey, doughboy.
What are you doing here? They don't got men dancing here.
Ha-ha-ha.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GROANS.]
Dad, this is Donna's ex-husband, Robert.
Robert, my dad, Freight Train.
Damn, that's a good grip.
See, Cleveland? That's how you shake a man's hand.
And that's how you shake a loose can.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Where you been hiding this one at? He's hilarious.
Hey, I got two-for-one coupons for the champagne room.
Say we pick one of these ladies and make her regret coming to work tonight? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I like how you think.
Catch you later, doughboy.
Why are you sitting all by yourself? Yeah, strip clubs aren't, uh, ideal for a guy like me who doesn't, um, wear pants.
Where's your dad? With Robert, disrespecting some poor girl who's probably just a struggling college student who works here for the tuition money and not at all because she was molested.
Oh, I guess I should just be grateful we're finally getting along.
Yeah, the father-son relationship is tricky.
My dad and I didn't talk for years after I stole Arianna away from him.
What? You did? Ugh.
I've told you that story like six times.
You know, you don't listen too good.
You really should Hey, look.
My dad's back.
- Oh, man.
- Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Why are we laughing? What's the joke? You're the joke.
- I'm out.
- See you tomorrow.
One o'clock.
You invited Robert to the wedding? He did one more than that.
Your dad asked me to be his best man.
What? But I'm your best man.
How could he do this to me? If it's any consolation, you're the best man I know.
- Tim, uh - No.
No, it's okay.
No, it's okay.
Cleveland, come here, buddy.
Ah, ah, ah, oh.
A bunch of people here think I'm a dentist.
- So if it comes up, play it cool.
- Ha, ha.
Stupid, dumb wedding.
Where's Grandpa? The wedding's supposed to start any minute and no one's seen him.
I don't know where he is.
Why don't you ask his best man? Well, he's not here either.
They'd better show up soon.
That Mickey Rourke ice sculpture can't take much more of this heat.
That's not an ice sculpture.
[COOKIE CRYING.]
He's not coming, is he? No, Cleveland.
I don't think he is.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Dad always treated you so terribly.
He never deserved you.
He's a son of a bitch.
Oh, Cleveland, you don't know your father as well as I do.
Whenever I needed something fixed around the house, he'd be there.
And when I was feeling low, he'd fry some fish for me.
And, well, I know you're my son, but my word that man can tag it, bag it and sell it to the butcher.
Mm.
Okay.
We've been having booty calls for years.
So I finally said: "Lavar, if you wanna keep hitting this, you better put a ring on it.
" Please stop talking.
I love your father, Cleveland but I guess he just doesn't feel the same way about me.
- Where are you going? - I'm taking the 4:15 back to Petersburg.
There's too many painful memories here.
I'm so sick of this.
We've been taking crap from Dad our whole lives and I've never said a word.
I'm gonna find him and give him a piece of my mind.
Stay away from his grits, Cleveland.
A woman needs what a woman needs.
[GROANS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Showtime.
- Wake up.
- What the hell you think you're doing? You left Mom at the altar and I'm gonna make you regret it.
- You think you're ready? - Damn right.
Then let's dance, chubby.
[SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, I hate that.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Fine.
You know, Dad, you might be bigger than me and stronger than me, but I'm more of a man than you'll ever be.
- How you figure? - Because you're a coward.
You're afraid to go all in with Mom because if you ever let your guard down and show her who you really are, she might not like what she sees.
And then you'd be the one getting hurt.
You're right, Cleveland.
I am afraid.
Your mama's a good woman.
What if I'm a worse husband to her than I was the last time? Isn't possible.
Ha, ha.
All right, but if she don't take me back I'm gonna make you my wife.
And you shall be my husband.
Mom's gonna catch a bus in 15 minutes.
Aw, hell, no.
She's gonna be riding on the Freight Train.
I'm gonna tear your mama up.
What's up with you and Mom talking to your child that way? Both of you.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Why is everyone still here? The wedding was supposed to be hours ago.
You're right.
We're invited to lots of weddings with an open bar and no one shooing us away from the free shrimp.
We're gonna leave just because the groom don't show up.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Yeah, that's who we are.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Cookie, listen.
- No, Lavar, you listen.
If you don't care to be on time for our wedding then you don't deserve to be my husband.
Mom, wait.
We all know Freight Train sucks, but he loves you and he wants to grow old with you.
And there's something very important he wants to say to you.
Cookie, I'm sorry.
Lavar, in 41 years, you've never apologized to me for anything.
I never did anything wrong up till now.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Looks like we're getting married.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
But I don't need this big fancy wedding.
Let's just go down to city hall.
JUNIOR: The hell you will.
You are getting married here, today.
Now, everybody get your ass in the back yard before I turn this into a funeral.
[SCOOTER BEEPING.]
Nice work, tubby.
I was wondering, how'd you like to be my best man again? I appreciate you asking but I've been asked to play a more important role in this wedding.
[BAND PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS".]
[GROANS.]
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm not gonna make it.
[CROWD GASPING.]
[GROANS.]
[SINGING.]
Hey Get on up Get up Get on up Stay on the scene Get on up Like a sex machine Get on up Get up Get on up Get up Get on up Oh, Cookie up there My man Freight Train Tonight's the night You're gonna get down All right Mr.
And Mrs.
Brown, going to town That's what I'm talking about Now, who gives this here woman to be married to this here man? Her baby boy does.
By the power vested in me by the commonwealth of Virginia and almighty Thor, god of thunder, I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
They made it through the whole season.
Now can I have my own show, Peter? Quagmire, you're a rapist.
[GROANING.]
To the new Mr.
And Mrs.
Lavar and Evelyn "Cookie" Brown.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Earth, Wind & Fire.
[SINGING.]
Do you remember The 21st night of September Love was changing the minds Of pretenders While chasing the clouds away Ba-de-ya Say do you remember Ba-de-ya Dancin' in September Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day
I thought this day would never come.
Cleveland, it's the reading of your ex-wife's will.
I know.
- How are you holding up, big man? - Well, I'm okay.
But a part of me wishes Mom would come back so I could say a proper goodbye.
Well, she's been gone for three months.
I mean, if she came back now, her skin would be all gray and rotten and she'd need to feast on the living to survive.
But you remember what to do if she does come back, right? - Destroy the head and remove the brain.
- Mm-hm.
Well, I've looked over Loretta's will and it's pretty straightforward.
"I, Loretta Marie Callender Brown, blah, blah, blah do hereby leave my entire estate to my son Cleveland Orenthal Brown Jr.
, blah, blah, blah.
He is to have unfettered access to all assets in the amount of" - Hey, hey, hey.
- Let me see that.
I'm sorry, but the will stipulates that you are to have no knowledge of its details.
- Look at these juicy details.
- Oh.
Cleveland, I know how difficult this must be for you.
Your ex-wife got everything in the divorce and gave it all to your dimwitted or possibly brilliant son.
- Dang.
Now, you could contest the will and sue Junior for the money.
In the law profession, we call that a dick move.
It's okay, Daddy.
I'll lend you all the money you need.
I'm rich.
Eee.
Unfortunately, Junior, the will also states that if you give a penny to your father Loretta's entire estate will go to a Mr.
Glenn Quagmire of Quahog, Rhode Island.
- What? Or you can risk it all for whatever's behind Door Number 2.
- The door! The door! - Take the money! Man, I'm gonna keep the contents of the will.
Then let's take a look at what you didn't choose.
One day my prince will come.
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
So your husky son's got more money than you now, huh? Yeah.
This must be what it feels like to be the father of that kid on Two and a Half Men.
That kid's gotten so big, Jon Cryer's now the half-man.
[GUS PLAYS DRUMS.]
- Thanks, Gus.
- You got it, kid.
It must be especially difficult considering all that money used to be yours.
I mean, what a nad punch.
I am very glad she's dead.
[GUS PLAYS DRUMS.]
Hmm.
These times.
Morning, Dad.
Check out my new Eddie Bauer limited edition Boba Fett costume.
It comes with a safari vest and a contrived sense of adventure.
I also got a shawarma machine so I can have succulent lamb meat 24/7.
Mm.
If I ever did switch to the dark side, I'd call myself Darth Shawarma.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hmm.
Had to pay my cell-phone bill with nickels.
How was your shopping spree, Miss Donna? It was great, Junior.
And thank you for letting me use your new Amex card.
Cleveland only has a pre-paid debit card from Magic Johnson's bank.
Yeah, everyone thought they'd be gone years ago, but they're still kicking.
Doing well too.
God bless you, Magic.
- Hey, Junior.
Do you have my check? - Here you go.
What are you giving her money for? So I can buy another new hat.
That's my thing.
I wear hats now.
Beep, beep! Move it or lose it.
Hey, Donald Plump, is my barbershop chair here yet? Not yet.
But I'll let you know as soon as it arrives.
Cool.
Hey, old man.
You got change for a hundred? Ha, ha.
I'm just joshing.
I know you don't.
Okay, enough of this bull crap.
How much money did your mother leave you? Well, I'm not allowed to tell you.
But suffice it to say, it was substantial.
With the sale of your deli, Mom's life-insurance policy and the reckless-homicide settlement I got from Peter Griffin, I did just fine.
Apparently, to pay for it, Mr.
Griffin had to get a series of new jobs.
I didn't see it, but I heard it was hilarious.
Not as hilarious as it would have been two or three years ago but there were still some solid laughs there.
Daddy, if this money's gonna come between us, I'll give it all back.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Better not make him give it all back.
Kill you for taking my money.
No, Junior.
I don't want you to give back the money.
Good call, old man.
Hakeem Olajuwon.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mom, what are you doing in town? Hello, dear.
I wanted to come by and thank Junior in person for the beautiful gift he sent me.
[WHISTLES.]
CLEVELAND: That is sweet.
Oh, Cookie, it's you.
I thought I felt the joy being sucked out of my life.
- Grandma.
- There's my little Chamillionaire.
Well, well, well, look at you.
Your kid's rich and you're still a broke-ass little chump.
And good morrow to you, Father.
- What are you guys doing here? - We have some very exciting news.
Cleveland, your father and I are moving back into our old house right here in Stoolbend.
- What? - Sweet greens and submarines.
Why are you doing that? Because your mama and I are getting re-married.
Get used to this face, C-cup, because you gonna see it all the damn time.
[BOTH GROANING.]
And that is what we call an "uh-oh moment.
" Any questions? Have you ever had a screenplay produced? Yes, I had a play produced.
- I said screenplay - Class dismissed.
Re-marrying Dad? Excuse me.
What are you doing? I'm looking for your marbles, because apparently you've lost them.
Now, Cleveland, I know your father and I have had our problems but those days are behind us.
So you're just gonna forget about the Waffle House waitresses and the JetBlue stewardesses and Greta Van Susteren? That's all in the past, tubby.
I've changed.
I ain't got no Internet.
Besides, I don't wanna die alone.
Did you know that not a single man in our family has lived past the age of 63? I did not.
And I'm gonna need someone to take care of me.
How romantic.
What the hell do you know about romance, Clarissa? You've been with five women your whole life? I've pleasured over 500 ladies in my time.
And one guy.
I think we all just need to calm down.
Just because you've put on weight doesn't make you Oprah.
I think it's great you two are getting re-married.
It's like recycling except this isn't a complete waste of time and effort.
See? Beanbag Chair gets it.
Oh, I just had a brainstorm.
And not the bad kind I take medication for.
You should have the wedding here in the back yard.
And I'll pay for the whole thing.
Oh, Junior.
We couldn't [STAMMERS.]
Not another word.
It's my gift to you.
I'm doing it.
It's done.
This is gonna be the best wedding ever.
Okay, that was one of the bad brainstorms.
For a second, I thought I was a falcon.
But I'm okay now.
I'm gonna go lie down.
Now we have to host the wedding? I don't know why she'd still wanna be with him.
The man's a grade-A heel.
Mm.
Now, there's a crease.
I don't think it's so surprising.
Every woman loves a bad boy.
They're dangerous, passionate, unpredictable.
Just when you yell at him for punching a cop's horse he does something nice for you, like shave your name in the side of his head.
You try to tame him, but you can't.
He's a wild animal.
But eventually you settle for stable and predictable.
I bet you can't predict what I'm gonna try tonight.
I bet I can.
No, Cleveland.
CLEVELAND: I love you.
DONNA: I love you too.
Cut it out.
CLEVELAND: Why? DONNA: Good night, Cleveland.
- Damn it.
I said good night.
CLEVELAND: I heard you the first time.
Junior, you need my help.
No one knows more about weddings than I do.
I even saw most of Bride Wars until my body shut down to protect itself.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Yeah.
Crème brûlée is a great dessert.
Maybe I'll also order a time machine to take this wedding back to 1998.
Honestly, Roberta.
I don't know how your mother ended up with such an attractive daughter.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told my P.
E.
Teacher, Miss Rayborn: Look at them all you want but if you try to touch them, I will take a bat to your hairy knees.
Mm.
Lord help these children today.
No, I was wondering if you would make my wedding more beautiful by being a bridesmaid.
Oh, Miss Cookie, I would love to.
You can touch one.
You know, Cookie, I know we've had our differences but if there's anything I can do to help you You can try to make me some coffee that doesn't taste like a fart in the face.
So tomorrow's your wedding night, and you know what that means.
- Yes, I do.
- What does it mean? [LAUGHING.]
And what have you boys been up to? Just talking to black Stewie here.
How about being our ring boy on Saturday? Honored.
All right, then.
I'm gonna go practice my strut down the aisle.
Check this.
Oh, yeah.
A little something like that right there.
Mm-hm.
So the only thing left for you to do is ask Cleveland to be your best man.
- Now, why would I do that? - Do it for me, Lavar.
And after all, he is your only son.
Yeah.
He is my only son.
You might just be the blackest fella I ever met.
Freight Train.
Cool name.
How'd you get it? I destroyed your mama on a train track.
Okay, who's up for some beer pong? So, getting married, huh? That's neat.
Yeah, well, you know, usually at a wedding, there's a best man and since you're my son and all, I was wondering Oh, my God.
Are you asking me to be your best man? Not if you're gonna be a crying little piss-pants about it.
I'm crying because I peed my pants.
Oh, and it's on the chair.
[GROANING.]
- My dad asked me to be his BM.
- What? His best man.
Get it? Ha, ha.
Yes, I do, Cleveland.
And I'm very happy for you.
I wish I could get a little respect from your mother.
I've done everything I can to get her to like me but she just won't give me a chance.
I'll be honest.
It's hurtful, Cleveland.
Ha! Women and their problems.
Speaking of women with problems, I gotta call that strip club about the bachelor party.
Mm.
[MEN WHISTLING.]
[EROTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
- Yeah.
Whoo! - Yeah, that's right.
Great seeing you, sis.
Call Mom.
She worries.
Hey, Dad, what do you say we take a break from borderline cheating on our ladies and hit the gross nacho bar? - Sounds like a plan.
- We're bonding.
Hey, doughboy.
What are you doing here? They don't got men dancing here.
Ha-ha-ha.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GROANS.]
Dad, this is Donna's ex-husband, Robert.
Robert, my dad, Freight Train.
Damn, that's a good grip.
See, Cleveland? That's how you shake a man's hand.
And that's how you shake a loose can.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Where you been hiding this one at? He's hilarious.
Hey, I got two-for-one coupons for the champagne room.
Say we pick one of these ladies and make her regret coming to work tonight? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I like how you think.
Catch you later, doughboy.
Why are you sitting all by yourself? Yeah, strip clubs aren't, uh, ideal for a guy like me who doesn't, um, wear pants.
Where's your dad? With Robert, disrespecting some poor girl who's probably just a struggling college student who works here for the tuition money and not at all because she was molested.
Oh, I guess I should just be grateful we're finally getting along.
Yeah, the father-son relationship is tricky.
My dad and I didn't talk for years after I stole Arianna away from him.
What? You did? Ugh.
I've told you that story like six times.
You know, you don't listen too good.
You really should Hey, look.
My dad's back.
- Oh, man.
- Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Why are we laughing? What's the joke? You're the joke.
- I'm out.
- See you tomorrow.
One o'clock.
You invited Robert to the wedding? He did one more than that.
Your dad asked me to be his best man.
What? But I'm your best man.
How could he do this to me? If it's any consolation, you're the best man I know.
- Tim, uh - No.
No, it's okay.
No, it's okay.
Cleveland, come here, buddy.
Ah, ah, ah, oh.
A bunch of people here think I'm a dentist.
- So if it comes up, play it cool.
- Ha, ha.
Stupid, dumb wedding.
Where's Grandpa? The wedding's supposed to start any minute and no one's seen him.
I don't know where he is.
Why don't you ask his best man? Well, he's not here either.
They'd better show up soon.
That Mickey Rourke ice sculpture can't take much more of this heat.
That's not an ice sculpture.
[COOKIE CRYING.]
He's not coming, is he? No, Cleveland.
I don't think he is.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Dad always treated you so terribly.
He never deserved you.
He's a son of a bitch.
Oh, Cleveland, you don't know your father as well as I do.
Whenever I needed something fixed around the house, he'd be there.
And when I was feeling low, he'd fry some fish for me.
And, well, I know you're my son, but my word that man can tag it, bag it and sell it to the butcher.
Mm.
Okay.
We've been having booty calls for years.
So I finally said: "Lavar, if you wanna keep hitting this, you better put a ring on it.
" Please stop talking.
I love your father, Cleveland but I guess he just doesn't feel the same way about me.
- Where are you going? - I'm taking the 4:15 back to Petersburg.
There's too many painful memories here.
I'm so sick of this.
We've been taking crap from Dad our whole lives and I've never said a word.
I'm gonna find him and give him a piece of my mind.
Stay away from his grits, Cleveland.
A woman needs what a woman needs.
[GROANS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Showtime.
- Wake up.
- What the hell you think you're doing? You left Mom at the altar and I'm gonna make you regret it.
- You think you're ready? - Damn right.
Then let's dance, chubby.
[SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, I hate that.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Fine.
You know, Dad, you might be bigger than me and stronger than me, but I'm more of a man than you'll ever be.
- How you figure? - Because you're a coward.
You're afraid to go all in with Mom because if you ever let your guard down and show her who you really are, she might not like what she sees.
And then you'd be the one getting hurt.
You're right, Cleveland.
I am afraid.
Your mama's a good woman.
What if I'm a worse husband to her than I was the last time? Isn't possible.
Ha, ha.
All right, but if she don't take me back I'm gonna make you my wife.
And you shall be my husband.
Mom's gonna catch a bus in 15 minutes.
Aw, hell, no.
She's gonna be riding on the Freight Train.
I'm gonna tear your mama up.
What's up with you and Mom talking to your child that way? Both of you.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Why is everyone still here? The wedding was supposed to be hours ago.
You're right.
We're invited to lots of weddings with an open bar and no one shooing us away from the free shrimp.
We're gonna leave just because the groom don't show up.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Yeah, that's who we are.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Cookie, listen.
- No, Lavar, you listen.
If you don't care to be on time for our wedding then you don't deserve to be my husband.
Mom, wait.
We all know Freight Train sucks, but he loves you and he wants to grow old with you.
And there's something very important he wants to say to you.
Cookie, I'm sorry.
Lavar, in 41 years, you've never apologized to me for anything.
I never did anything wrong up till now.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Looks like we're getting married.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
But I don't need this big fancy wedding.
Let's just go down to city hall.
JUNIOR: The hell you will.
You are getting married here, today.
Now, everybody get your ass in the back yard before I turn this into a funeral.
[SCOOTER BEEPING.]
Nice work, tubby.
I was wondering, how'd you like to be my best man again? I appreciate you asking but I've been asked to play a more important role in this wedding.
[BAND PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS".]
[GROANS.]
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm not gonna make it.
[CROWD GASPING.]
[GROANS.]
[SINGING.]
Hey Get on up Get up Get on up Stay on the scene Get on up Like a sex machine Get on up Get up Get on up Get up Get on up Oh, Cookie up there My man Freight Train Tonight's the night You're gonna get down All right Mr.
And Mrs.
Brown, going to town That's what I'm talking about Now, who gives this here woman to be married to this here man? Her baby boy does.
By the power vested in me by the commonwealth of Virginia and almighty Thor, god of thunder, I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
They made it through the whole season.
Now can I have my own show, Peter? Quagmire, you're a rapist.
[GROANING.]
To the new Mr.
And Mrs.
Lavar and Evelyn "Cookie" Brown.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Earth, Wind & Fire.
[SINGING.]
Do you remember The 21st night of September Love was changing the minds Of pretenders While chasing the clouds away Ba-de-ya Say do you remember Ba-de-ya Dancin' in September Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day